...Saturday Comes...

Okay-- I'm a total asshole! Wanna know why?

Here's how Hyde has spent her day so far:

• Woke up super-early, drank a red bull and spent over an hour navigating the commute from "midtown-East" to "midtown-West" via New York City Public Transit. (Fucking ridiculous!)
• Taught that awful class in which I realized that the New York City Public School System teaches nothing about world religions, and therefore very little about tolerating or understanding different systems of belief.
• Taught a second class on Italian and German Unifications
• Picked up my paycheck (yay!)
• Took the cross-town bus back to the East Side (letting me off one block from Manchester Pub). (Oh-- and by the way, I was sitting surrounded by a bunch of super-hot "working class" guys on the bus.)

Now, normally on Thursdays, I wouldn't have come home. Instead, I would have gone to take my own class on "Modern Italy." But the class has been cancelled this week, as my professor is away at a conference. As such, I have a few hours to myself before heading back to the West Side to teach again this evening.

So I got off the bus, saw the sign for Manchester, was enticed, knew I had papers to grade, and went in with the mind to drink one whiskey.

When I got in there, I realized I was the only woman in the joint. I was also the only person under 40. All of these stuffy-looking older men were drinking beer and either reading the paper or watching the soccer game. I sat down at the bar and ordered a Jack on the Rocks. Everyone in there stared at me. Why were they staring at me? I downed the first Jack fast and pulled out a pile of papers to grade. Then I ordered another. I noticed a few raised eyebrows.

Now you have to understand something about Hyde... She was awakened by this situation. The Jekyll in me bows to authority. She is the sweetest, most deferential and conscientious thing you'll ever meet. But the Hyde in me rose to the occasion. I wanted to make everyone look at me. I wanted to make a spectacle without saying a word.

So I did.

Now, nevermind the fact that I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch or anything in the past 21 hours. I proceeded to drink five glasses of whiskey while appearing to remain stone cold sober. (In reality, I started to feel slightly tipsy. My tolerance is just about at that line, but no one would be able to tell from the outside).

With each new glass, another set of eyebrows was raised. I loved it! I fucking loved it!

So that's why I'm an asshole! Now I'm tipsy at 3:30 in the afternoon, knowing I have to go teach a class in 4 hours. And I did it just to alarm some stuffy over-40 assholes!

Okay... Enough about that. I'm sure I'll be sober but with a headache and cranky by the time 6:30 rolls around... That said, I have a lot more to post about, continuing where I left off about Saturday...

As I mentioned, Saturday was the first time I had the chance to see my stepbrother in quite some time. When he saw me coming into the hospital room, his face lit up. It was so sweet. He has been moved to a new room, and his new roomate's father was lurking about in the common area. My mom stopped to say "hi" to him. I'm sure she regret it almost as soon as he started talking. I've never met anyone more abrasive or more of a "know-it-all" in my entire life. He was clearly being hostile to my mom, which can only mean that he's spent too many hours talking to my stepbrother's biological mother, Peachy. (She's a witch. I don't care to elaborate beyond that right now...)

Anyway, my mom was super sweet to this guy and not at all combative. It was unlike her, so when he walked away, I asked her what was up with that.

"He's been through a lot of tragedy," she said. "I don't blame him for losing it a little."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Well, his son is here, and is suffering massive brain damage from an accident a few years ago. Then, just last year, his wife and 17-year-old daughter were killed by a drunk driver. This son is all he has left. And he's barely there!

It put things in perspective for me, to say the least.

That afternoon, there was a little carnival for the kids at the hospital playground. We took my stepbrother out there in his wheelchair. They had all sorts of events, like tossing foam balls into a basket, or trying to knock down bowling pins, etc. My step-brother didn't really want to participate, but he watched me and mom and LilSis play the games and laughed and gave us "high-fives" when we won. It was a really nice afternoon. My mom was being silly and "putting on a show," as we like to say, trying to make him laugh some more.

All in all, though, it's just really hard for me to be there. I have a low tolerance for that kind of emotional pain and I'm overwhelmed by heartbreak every time I see him. LilSis is so good with him--at ease and able to joke and talk to him freely. I, on the other hand, clam up, and get a little uncomfortable, and am not always sure what to say. I wish I were better at it, but it's hard for me to let the reality of what happened to him into my mind, and when I'm there, I'm confronted with it all at once. I had already been in a strange mood for much of the week, and spending the afternoon trying to repress that king of sadness caught up with me on the train ride home.

On my way home, I felt a cloud coming over me. I was just slipping into a darker and darker mood. I felt bitter and sad and tired and I just wanted to go home and vegetate in front of the television. I had some work to do though, and I needed to get myself psyched for NDN's birthday party, but I couldn't help how I was feeling.

I had agreed to meet NDN and a few of his friends at around 8:30 before heading over to the sushi restaurant for dinner. I got dressed for the evening, but still felt morose and anti-social. I had been chain-smoking all afternoon. It's a habit I've largely given up since college, as it's awful for my voice, but in that kind of black mood, I can't help it. I know the exact remedy for that kind of mood, though-- even though I should avoid using it for medicinal purposes. Whatever... I figured there was nothing like Jack Daniels to set me straight!

I left my building to head over to Cheers. Before getting there, I paused to sit on the steps of the Nigerian building to finish my cigarette. I stared at the traffic rushing down Second Avenue, trying to make my eyes blur to get a sort of hallucinatory effect. It only half worked. PumpedUp and his friend Duff walked by. He looked at me strangely, surprised to see me just sitting there just blankly staring at the street.

"Hey, what's up?" I said, half-heartedly.

"Hey, Hyde! Will we see you later tonight?"

"Maybe; maybe not..."

After my cigarette, I wandered into Cheers which was pathetically empty, except for the Colombian behind the bar. I ordered my Jack on the rocks and drank it down. NDN called my cell phone.

"Where are you? Because we're here at the apartment," he said.

He told me that he and his friend John (who had driven up for the party all the way from North Carolina) and John's friend Jim were already assembled and hanging out at his apartment.

"I would come up there, but I'm in a bad mood," I said. "I don't want to be a downer on your party, so I'm having a few drinks first."

(I tossed back another).

"Come on up here, Hyde," he insisted. "There's plenty to drink here."

"Like what?"

He gave me the list.

"Can I smoke?"

"Sure."

"Okay. I'll be up in a few."

Hammer called me in the meanwhile (from her weekend in Phoenix), so we caught up on the phone as I walked back home.

When I got to NDN's, he, John and Jim were just hanging out. We listened to Janis Joplin and I sat in his "special chair" drinking rum and diet coke and smoking out the window. At around 8:45 we took off for the restaurant.

NDN had quite a group of friends assembled--probably about 15 people or so. He chose a rowdy "all you can eat"/"all you can drink" sushi restaurant. (I opted out on the "all you can drink" to save space for later, although I downed my share of sake). I'm glad because NDN seemed to be having a great time. He loved it when the waitress brought out a desert and we all sang. People at the neighborhing table stood up and encouraged us all to do sake/beer car-bombs. Honestly, though--sake and beer? Doesn't that sound kind of gross?

At the end of the meal, I somehow ended up with the job of counting the money and managing the bill. (Those of you who know me from my college days will laugh-- as business manager of the choir my junior year, I was in charge of handling massive amounts of money while drunk at post-concert celebrations. The job seems to have stuck!) There was a slight problem with the waitress losing $20, but we got over it soon enough.

Anyway, after dinner, the plan was to head down to the East Village to a bar called Identity. NDN's boss' boyfriend owns the place. We split up into three cabs. I rode with Oc and NDN's friend Liz. We had a great conversation in the car ride down.

The bar was set up with a regular bar on the ground floor and a dance space in the room below. It was a nice size--small and not the regular kind of crazy club atmosphere, but I was reminded of my college days and popped a tab of E that I had brought with me. I hadn't planned on taking it, and only brought it in case my mood continued to spiral downwards, but when I saw that it was dancing, I couldn't resist. It reminded me of my "youth" with Liu!

I had a lot of fun, as I haven't been out dancing in a while. But the small space, combined with the dancing and the E started to make me feel like I was going to overheat. I went outside to sit on the curb and have a smoke. After a while, Oc joined me and we caught up a little bit. Then it was back inside for some more dancing. Then back upstairs for another drink or two.

NDN's boss asked me if I wanted to help her arrange to sing "Happy Birthday" to him again. She took me back into the kitchen where we stuck a candle into a cupcake and headed downstairs. Her boyfriend had gone on ahead to tell the D.J. to turn down the music.

At that very moment, I saw NDN heading to the upstairs area of the bar. I encouraged him to stay where he was. He obliged. Later, he tried to go back upstairs again. As we still hadn't worked out the logistics of shutting up the D.J. and getting the plan rolling, I had to find another reason to keep him downstairs.

Finally, it worked out. We sang "Happy Birthday" again, and it was all good. When I went back upstairs, his boss introduced me to her boyfriend's partner--the other owner of the bar. I was majorly feeling the effects of the drugs and alcohol and started to feel a sadness sweeping over me that I missed Narc. If you guys recall, I had been going back and forth in my head about whether or not to accept the offer of a dinner-date from that cab driver. Well, I decided that I wasn't going to fight myself on my love for Narc; but rather, I would focus on not seeing him, while doing other things that are positive for my own self-worth.

Since I was starting to feel fucked up, I wanted to be closer to home. I left the bar and took a cab back up to Cheers I texted NDN about it and left messages with him, Liz, Oc and another of his friends, Karen, hoping that someone would figure out where I had gone.

I barely remember my time at Cheers. I drank a lot more, saw FightingMensch there, zoned out for a while, and I think, excused myself by 3:30 am or so.

And that was that.

Again, I have more I want to update you guys on about this past week, but that's about all I can muster for now. If I'm going to get this whiskey out of my system in the next three hours, I have to eat something, so I'm off to make some popcorn.

:)

-h-

PS: Dan--I promise I haven't forgotten you!