What Just Happened...

Narc texted me this morning that Point Break was on TV.

A few minutes ago he called me on the phone. He said he misses me. We talked for over an hour. My stomach is flipping over. We didn't mention PopStarChick. He said he's leaving on Sunday for Miami for 5 days but that he'll call me to hang out when he's back. Maybe we can be just friends after all.

A few minutes ago, NDN rang my doorbell. When I answered the door, he was a sight to see! He is in rare form. He is standing behind me as I type this. He is dressed in a brown shaggy Beatles-style wig, A thin white button down shirt with a lace paisely pattern, Brown and khaki striped pants and brown shoes. Oh-- and he has a killer ass. Better than Oc's, I might add.

Anyway, we're headed to Chinatown for dinner.

I hung out at Cheers last night with Double-T and Brick.

I am feeling a little better than yesterday.

I miss Narc. And he misses me.

-h-

Afraid

I'm feeling really fucked up. Like I can't do this anymore. And I feel completely alone. That voice in my head is really strong... the one that says "fuck it." And I can't get it to shut up.

:(

h

I Favor a Punishing Kiss.

"If you need something to feel
Then favour a punishing kiss
It helps chase the wasted afternoons"

**********************************************
This week has been hard. Well, all of the past few weeks have been hard. But this past weekend, I am feeling yet another transition. Thursday was my last day of the intensive outpatient program. This week I have to get used to only going to groups twice a week. Then, on Friday, I had a really rough night. Let me try to catch you up a little...

On Friday I was depressed. I came home in the late afternoon and laid in bed and put layers of shimmering charcoal colored makeup around my eyes until I stared back at myself, hollow in the mirror. Then I painted my cheeks with a peach flush. I thought of Mimi and Violetta and all of those tubercular heroines (as I often do). Then I put a pale pink eye shadow on my lips and painted over it with a gold gloss. And then I just lay on my bed and stared at myself in the mirror. And I took some pictures of myself (and my cat) with my cell phone.

Brick arrived at around 7:00 pm with two cans of Red Line. It's an "energy drink" that he has taken a few times to help fuel his workouts. I was wary of it and told him so, as there is a huge warning label on the bottle saying "not to take if under 18, pregnant or nursing, on CNS stimulants," etc. It also says to start with a 1/4 of a bottle "to gauge tolerance." It has some weird non-FDA approved ingredient that quickly raises and lowers your body temperature alternately giving you the chills and the sweats. Anyway, I was so tired and depressed and so wanting a "Friday night" that I drank half a bottle. It was NOT sober behavior, and I knew it. And I felt like shit about it.

Fuck it, I thought. (More addict-thinking. Ugh!)

We left my place and headed uptown, settling in at an Italian restaurant I hadn't been to since a date with SeattleGuy back in November, 2004! It was the start to a very strange evening. It felt like we had left NY once through the door of that place. The women there had big hair... permed hair... 80's hair, and lots of it!

"I didn't know so many women still used Dep," Brick laughed.

The place had a pianist and red and white checkered tableclothes. Brick went up to the pianist and asked if I could sing something. We were told we had to wait for a little while, but before heading out, I sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and then "Can't Help Loving that Man of Mine." An old man and woman were sitting at the piano. They started to talk to me and asked me about my "career." I told them that I study and teach European history. The old woman told me that she is always trying to remember the date of the French Revolution.

After that, it was off to the Townhouse. If you remember, I first discovered that place after meeting a waiter that works there at Marie's Crisis back over Memorial Day weekend. (I dubbed him PonytailBoy at the time.) That night back in May, he was staring at me at the bar. And at the time, when he gave me his number, I swore he was hitting on me. But when I got to the Townhouse and saw him the following month, I found out that he's gay.

I must have been confused or misreading things, I thought.

This Friday he was once again strangely flirtatious. I don't get it. Even Brick noticed that his behavior was strange. I sang a few numbers there, including a duet with PonytailBoy. When I was leaving he grabbed onto my arm and wanted to exchange numbers again. He told me that he might be getting a job at Brandy's.

Anyway, Brick and I decided we had enough of that, and headed across the street to Oscar Wilde's for a round of pool. I was sweating and shivering and had definitely peaked from the Red Line. We asked to reserve the pool table, but unfortunately, while we were having a smoke out back, three other guys snagged it. So we played some songs on the jukebox (including Dolly and the Divynls) and downed a few diet cokes.

Then the night started to get interesting. Brick bumped into an aggressively flirty guy he had met there the previous week. Flirty was there with a friend and they wanted to play us doubles in pool. Flirty demanded a kiss if we lost. Well... we lost. Brick and I each gave him a peck on the lips. Then all four of us went out back for a smoke. Flirty declared that he wanted an open-lipped kiss with a tongue. His friend added that I should have to kiss him if we lost. (Does anyone else find that odd, given that we were in a gay bar? Again... I'm failing to understand gay men). Well, guess what? We lost again. (None of you would be surprised at that if you saw my pathetic pool game). So, Brick kissed Flirty and I kissed his friend. It was strange. I haven't kissed anyone except Narc in a really, really long time.

"Your kiss is so soft," the friend said to me. "So different from a man. You're a good kisser."

"Um, thanks..."

After that, I think the guy had a mini-crush on me or something. Brick agreed.

Anyway, we all went back out to the garden for another cigarette. Brick told the guys that I sing and they all insisted that I sing something. So I did. I was nervous, and quickly went to take a sip of my soda after the song. It wasn't long before I realized I had picked up the wrong drink. That was unmistakably whiskey gliding down my throat. That was unmistakably whiskey warming my throat, spreading in my chest, warming my stomach with its golden rays. That was whiskey on my breath, in my blood. The taste of Narc's kisses. The syrupy sweetness it lends to diet soda. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey! The lips of an old lover. One that I'm trying to forget... regret... I flipped out. I felt a sob in my throat and a tear in my chest. Was I breathing?

"Don't worry about it!" Flirty said. "It's all cool. I don't mind that you drank from my glass. There's not germs there or anything..."

"No, it's not that!"

I felt my face flushing.

"It's just that I can't drink. I can't!"

Brick looked concerned. So did the other two guys. I had to explain my panic, and so it came out that Brick and I are both addicts. It was all a little strange, the way that all unfolded.

"Sing us something else, Hyde!" Brick smiled.

I think he thought it would help calm me down. It did.

After that, we were approached by another group of people. Some girl came up to Brick and asked if he were from Texas. (He was wearing his standard Longhorns cap and the cowboy boots we got in TN).

"No. From Chelsea," he laughed.

It opened up a conversation though. They all applauded my singing, and one among them, a young guy with an innocent face, MMJr, told me that he's a singer too. He sang a few bars of "I'll Cover You" from Rent. Then he introduced me to his boyfriend. In the meanwhile, a man with a Spanish accent in a white shirt and a cap sitting in the corner came up to me and asked if I would sing a song for him and his friend. (Brick later said that he thought the guy was a prostitute). So, I did. I sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" for them. At the end, the guy stood up and put his arms around me.

"Your voice is beautiful! Beautiful! You are beautiful!" he declared. He kissed my cheek and then kissed my ear, sticking his tongue in my ear. I squirmed away.

"Thanks," I weakly smiled.

"Isn't it beautiful?" he asked his mate. "She has a sexual voice! She is passionate. I think she is an amazing lover. A goddess in the bedroom."

This was getting too weird for me. I still managed to stand there politely, though.

He came up to me and hugged me again.

"I want to make love to you," he said.

"Um, thanks, but..."

I disentangled again and moved back over to talk to Brick and MMJr. MMJr and his friend were telling Brick that their other friend was in need of Brick's services as a stylist. MMJr was definitely flirting with Brick. At some point during that conversation, it also came up that Brick and I don't drink because we are alcoholics and MMJr was absolutely fascinated by that. It was weird. It was like we were the stars. It was kind of nice to command that kind of attention sober.

The night wore on like that for a while, but at nearly 2:00 am, Brick and I headed out. We walked back to my place, still hyped up from the Red Line, planning to stay up for a while and talk. Brick said that he like MMJr, but I told him that he had a boyfriend.

"Really? He didn't mention a boyfriend to me!"

"Brick! His boyfriend was there! I met him!"

Brick called MMJr to clear it up. MMJr wanted to come over. Brick asked me if it were all right. I didn't really feel like hosting this strange guy, but I decided to say "okay" for Brick's sake.

"Yeah, it's fine," I said. "But there are two rules... First of all, he has to be out by 3:15. Second of all, no making out at my house."

Brick agreed.

"But what if I want to go home with him, Hyde? Would you be mad?"

"Um..."

I didn't want to answer that. I didn't want Brick to leave. I have trouble sleeping alone and at that point, I had no time to mentally prepare or to carry out a night time routine. I was shaken up by having had the sip of whiskey; I was feeling rejected by Narc; I was wanting to drink; I didn't want to be alone without preparation. But on the other hand, I didn't want to tell Brick what he could and couldn't do. He's an adult. He could weigh the situation and make his own choice about his priorities.

"I wouldn't be mad, per say," I said. "But I would feel weird..."

I was about to go on and explain when the buzzer rang. MMJr had arrived. And soon enough, he had come up from the lobby and was at my door.

I invited him in and offered him a soda. He and Brick and I sat up talking for a while. Brick showed him some pictures from our trip. MMJr told us about pilot school and about his conservative Christian upbringing. He said that he wants to audition for American Idol in August and he wanted me to come with him. At around 3:15, I started to watch the clock. At 3:30, MMJr yawned.

"I'm kind of tired too," I said. "I think I need to turn in."

"Okay, let me just run to the bathroom before leaving," he said.

While he was in there, Brick stood up.

"What do you think, Hyde? Should I walk him down to get a cab?"

"That would be the polite thing to do..."

"Want anything from the deli while I'm out?"

"Yeah. Can you get me a Red Bull for the morning?"

"Sure."

I hugged MMJr good night and they were off. The next thing I knew, my cell phone was ringing. It was Brick.

"Hey, Hyde. I'm gonna go home with MMJr after all. So... I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

What?!?!? I felt like I was free-falling. I was suddenly extremely anxious. I felt rejected and angry.

"Fine," I said, tightly, hanging up the phone.

It wasn't fine though. I couldn't sleep at all that night. And the longer I laid there, the more the toxic anger built up in my brain. I sent Brick a text. It was nearly 4:00 am.

I have to be honest. I'm pretty upset. But I guess I'll talk to you about it tomorrow.

I fell asleep after 5:00 am.

The next morning, I had to wake up at 9:00 am, but I overslept. My mom called me just before 10:00.

"I'm almost here, sweetie!" she called out.

I jumped up out of bed and threw on the previous night's clothes. My mom was driving into the city to pick me up along with the boxes of books I packed up to keep in storage at her house. We had plans to go to a museum on Long Island with BigSis.

I was incredibly cranky in the car, not helped by the fact that it was raining, nor the fact that I had to single-handedly load and unload six tremendously heavy boxes of books.

From there, we drove to my sister's apartment in Forest Hills. We went up to see the new paint job in her kitchen and she fed us cake and coffee. Then it was off to the museum. While in the car, Brick texted me and called me a few times. We argued for a little while, but ultimately he apologized.

"I knew you were upset at me leaving," he said. "But I did it anyway. I've been sitting here thinking about it and I'm really sorry. I love you, Hyde!"

It was a felt apology and so I honestly tried to let it go. I think it was only partially Brick's behavior that had me so upset. It was made worse by the massive feelings of rejection floating around in me at all times. Something got triggered when he left. I felt like he ditched me as soon as a better activity/ person came along and I feel similary rejected by Narc. Whether or not it's rational or fair to lump the two together, they got lumped in my heart. And of course, underlying it all, I feel the very same rejection from B, who loves me but rejected me and is now with Drippy. And B is gone now... off in the Philippines, so that makes it even worse.

Anyway, back to my mom and sister...

We ate lunch at the kabob place in Port Washington and then saw an exhibit on "Fashion and Painting: From Marie Antoinette to Jacqueline Kennedy." Afterwards we went back to my mom's place where my sister and I consulted with her on which tablecloth she should put out in her dining room (a very important matter)!

At around 6:00, Bro-in-Law came to pick up BigSis and my mom and I went to go look at furniture. She has volunteered to get me a new dining table and chairs for my 90 days, and I think I found a set that fits my apartment perfectly! (I really shouldn't get ahead of myself, though. I only have 77 days as of today).

When we got home, my mom ordered in Italian food, and I ate dinner with her, my stepfather, LilSis and JBC (who had to leave shortly for work). While I was eating, Brick called me and said that he was on a date with MMJr and that they were going to spend the night together again.

I was feeling depressed. I didn't want to stay at my parents place, but I didn't want to go home and be alone either. I ended up staying out on Long Island.

In the morning, I was glad for my decision. I had gotten a good night's sleep, and my mom had hot bagels waiting. LilSis and I hung out, laughing over some photos and a clothing catalogue. After that, my mom dropped me off at the train at around noon. Even though I was feeling stabilized when I waved goodbye, the depression got worse and worse as we chugged towards the city.

Once back at my apartment, I was oppressed by it. I crawled into bed and didn't want to get up. I felt angry at my cat when he cuddled up next to me, twisting his head into my hand, hoping for a stroke or a scratch. I didn't want to pet my cat. I could do nothing but lay there. At the same time, all I wanted to do was to get up and out! UP and OUT! I wanted to do something wild. I wanted to fuck a stranger. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to drink more than anything. More than ever before!

Cheers isn't open, I thought. But Manchester is...

Stop it, Hyde! What are you thinking??? You CAN'T! You CAN'T! You CAN'T!!!

I wanted to, though.

Brick had left a can of Red Line in my refrigerator. I thought about cutting on my arm. I didn't. I went into the kitchen and downed the whole thing of Red Line. It made me feel strange, but didn't help with the depression. I felt guilty. Guilty and scared. What the fuck was I doing???

I took a shower. Then I crawled back into bed, my skin raised with chills, my forehead soaked with sweat. I ran my thumb over the phone clutched in my hand. I opened the phone. I thought about Narc. I closed the phone. I opened the phone. My stomach hurt. It was cramping with nausea. Narc. I wanted Narc. I wanted things back the way they WERE. What the fuck happened to my life? Where was I? Where was HYDE?????

("You were meant for me, even though it's plain you don't agree. I will be here for you. Yes, I will wait here for you. Til these dark days are through. Til my dreams all come true. My darling, you were meant for me. And I'm sure that someday soon, you'll see. We can not be apart. No. We must not be apart. Or the nightmares will start! And you might break my heart! Don't break my heart.")

Fuck these feelings, I thought. I want back what I had... what I know. I want things to not be this way. Why did I do what I've done? Why can't I count on people? You are alone, alone, ALONE. Fuck those people. Fuck all of this.

I couldn't get rid of that sick feeling. It was 4:00 pm. I texted Narc.

So...? What did you think of the movie? I wrote.

(As you may recall, last Thursday Narc wrote me a text telling me that he was about to watch "Downfall" and that it better be good after all the hype).

He wrote back to me right away:

Movie was good, though needlessly long I thought, as really we're all just waiting for the inevitable, non? Still, was very impressed.

I didn't write back. Instead, I called Brick, who had also just written a text.

Love you... he said.

Brick invited me to come over to his place. I warned him that I was depressed. He said that he wanted to see me anyway. So I went.

Brick was up on the roof, sunbathing. I sat there with him, my head against the wall, unable to eat the sandwich in my hand. I was wearing fuschia lipstick.

"Pretty in pink!" Brick said.

He forgot that he had a date at 8:00 pm. I told him I would leave with him. In the meanwhile, we went down to his apartment. I sulked on the bed while he got dressed. I clutched my amethyst in my hand. I fought back the tears. I wrote back to Narc. It was 6:18 pm.

I knew you would like it! Next historical pic to wait for is Marie Antoinette...

He didn't answer right away. I walked Brick down to the street. I still wanted to do something crazy. I wanted to drink, but I couldn't. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to hurt myself. I went home.

("My darling, you were meant for me.")

Narc wrote to me again. It was 7:21.

"Marie" was horribly received at Cannes, but then, what can one expect from the French...

I answered quickly:

Oh no! A disappointing mermaid movie & now a disappointing Marie?!? You better hurry up and make your movie fast. I'm losing faith!

I got into bed and put on The Threepenny Opera. I sang "Mackie Messer" over and over in German, the lyrics in hand. I tried to inflect my voice to sound like Lotte Lenya. I tried to bark as if I were in a Weimar Cabaret. I tried to imagine the blood on the streets. There was a picture in the CD booklet of Nazi flags and Communist flags hanging side by side. I thought of George Grosz. I took out my sketch book and started to draw. I couldn't find a pencil sharpener, so I sharpened my pencil with a razor blade laying nearby. I drew a woman. She looked strong. Then I scarred her throat. I drew circles over her breasts and tears in her eyes. I was mad at my drawing. One eye was bigger than the other. It had character, but it wasn't good enough. In my mind, I tried to liken it to Picasso's portrait of Gertrude Stein. It didn't work. I was frustrated. I kicked my sketch book over and flipped onto my back. I grabbed onto the metal bars of my headboard. They were cold. I pretended that my hands were tied there. I stretched my arms until they hurt.

I should draw every day... keep a visual journal, I thought.

I miss drawing.

I crawled under the covers and listened to the The Threepenny Opera.

Love will not endure, I thought.

Stop it, Hyde!

That "love will not endure" goes against every Romantic sensibility that I have. I tried to imagine the moon and the sea. I tried to forget about the street. About politics. About history. About money. About masks.

It helped a little.

Narc wrote to me again. It was 9:24.

"Indeed, though my playing "Call of Duty II" around the clock certainly can't help the process!!

"Call of Duty II?" That's the WWII game he had me play over at his place. I had trouble with it. I'm not used to video games. I didn't answer the text. I talked to Hammer on the phone. I talked to B online. I started to feel better. I went to the deli to get a bite to eat. I went to NDN's new place to look at his furniture and to pick up the case of Red Bull he bought for me on his way back from Vermont.

Narc wrote to me again. It was 11:18.

Just got to the "Saving Private Ryan" part! Storming the beaches!

This time I answered:

Awesome. Although I still have to see that movie! One of the many on my film education list...

Narc likes to pick out movies for me to watch. He likes to control the television. I like when he can check them off his list. I like when I watch what he wants. (What are you TALKING about, Hyde?!?! It's OVER with you and Narc!) But I had another question. Should I risk it and send a second text? How should I play my hand?

Fuck it. I wrote again:

Forgot to ask you-- What do you know about the movie "Bent?"

He didn't answer.

Shit.

I listened to Ute Lemper singing "Little Water Song" and "Tango Ballad" over and over.

...That time's long past but what would I not give
To see that whore house where we used to live...

...That was the time now very far away
He was so sweet and bashed me where it hurt...

...That was a time now very far away
Not that the bloody times seem to have looked up...

...That time's long past but what would we not give
To see that whore house where we used to live

...That time's long past but what would we not give
To see that whore house where we used to live

Finally, I got into bed. I took three sleeping pills. (And tiny little fishes enter me).

The next morning, Monday morning, things felt a little better. I had something else to focus on-- meeting with my department chair, to discuss my incompletes, my status in the program and how to get back on track. But as this post is growing dreadfully long, I'll leave all that for next time.

It's after 2:00 am and I should try to get to bed.

love,
h

PS: B said something smart about Narc...

All I do is try to analyze him and ask "what does he want?"

"He doesn't know what he wants, Hyde," he said. "So stop trying to figure it out."

Yeah... right... That's what I should do...

**********************************************
"'We will be back in a minute or two'
And he will punish that girl
Oh forget the reason
Just look at me I'm lost in a social whirl"

Little Water Song

Little Water Song

Under here, you just take my breath away
Under here, the water flows over my head
I can hear the little fishes

Under here whispering your most terrible name
Under here, they've given me starfish for eyes
And your head is a big red balloon

Under here, your huge hand is heavy on my chest
Ah, and under here, Sir, your lovely voice retreats
And yes, you take my breath away

Look at my hair, as it waves and waves
Sir, under here, I have such pretty hair
Silver, it is, and filled with silver bubbles

Ah, and under here, my blood will be a cloud
And under here my dreams are made of water
And, Sir, you just take my breath away

For under here, my pretty breasts are piled high
With stones and I cannot breathe
And tiny little fishes enter me

Under here, I am made ready
And under here, I am washed clean
And I glow with the greatness of my hate for you

(Nick Cave/Ute Lemper)

Clouds

I am very tired today. I remember things, yet feel like I've lost my reality. There is thunder outside. Clouds are gathering. So much of me misses what was. I miss him. My first reaction is always to think that he's selfish. But maybe he's not. Maybe he's not being glib, but rather, it's just an awkward situation. Maybe he wants to stay "friends" with me because he cares about me. Maybe I should write him back and accept things the way they are. After all, he did tell me time and again that we are "not in a relationship." Maybe we never were. Maybe I made the whole thing up. Maybe I'm really crazy.

I am very tired today.

Narc Strikes Again! (& other random bits...)

Ok... I really, REALLY don't know what's going on here or what these communications mean! I was having dinner with the ever lovely Hammer tonight for Salmon Night when the following text from Narc arrived on my cell phone:

Finally watching "Downfall"... Better be amazing after all the hype!!!

Granted, I told him it was an amazing movie (I saw it last March with Hammer and the Wizard, and then again with B), but what is this about? Two Narc contacts in one day? After he told me he was dating PopStarChick? Is he still dating her? What the fuck does he want from me?

I made a commitment to Brick that I would NOT respond to Narc tonight, and so I won't. But God knows, it's tough.

B left for the Philippines yesterday. I always feel more anxious when he's not here. But we've been chatting a little online, so it's okay.

Hammer just got back from a week in Portland. The week before that, she had a guest from Portland. This is all about a very special suitor, of course. Hammer is very happy right now. But I'll leave it to her to tell her story. I was just happy to see her. With everything that's been going on, we haven't had as much time together in the past few months. But every time I see her, I'm reminded of why we are so close and what an amazing person she is.

Today was my last day of intensive outpatient and our counselor's last day at the rehab place where I go. As such, it was a very intense and sad session. To make matters worse for Brick, during the break, he got the news that his grandmother passed away. Even though he's not going to go down to Florida for the funeral, he's out at his sister's place in New Jersey tonight. I love Brick to pieces! Only one night apart and I miss him!

I sang for the group today and everyone was moved, and one girl even cried... a lot. It was really rewarding for me to move people through my singing. There are so many strange characters in group that I will miss. Religrope is moving to another treatment center for dual diagnosis. I'm kind of glad because he makes me nervous. Brick said that Religrope thinks I'm his girlfriend. Did I tell you guys he won me prizes at Coney Island and brought them into group to give them to me? Today he told me that he hopes the Lord's face shines upon me. He didn't single out anyone else for the Lord's face though... Oh, and as a side note, DBE-- the girl that Brick and I drove up to the inpatient place in Westchester-- made a return appearance. She still appears to be a mess and had bruises on her arm that she attributed to her brother. I have really been thinking about her over the past month or so, and I feel really helpless to do anything about her situation. It's very emotionally difficult for me to care about someone and not have it be my place or in my power to do anything about it.

Hmm.... What else? On Saturday I made a dinner party at my place. It went smashingly well. The theme was "Thanksgiving in July." I made three chickens (couldn't find a big turkey on short notice), stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes and a string bean salad. My guests brought appetizers, desserts and sodas. It was a really fun night. NDN was there, along with Brick, B and Drippy, BigSis, LilSis, Bro-in-Law and JBC. Everyone was talking and laughing and getting along. (I didn't particularly want Drippy there, but inviting her was the right thing and the only thing for me to do.)

I was exhausted by the time the meal was served. I slavishly cooked and cleaned my house the entire day. And having been "dumped" by Narc via text the previous afternoon, I was under considerable psychic stress. After dinner, we all sang for a while. I did duets with everyone and BigSis and Bro-in-Law revived an old favorite-- "A Dangerous Game" from non other than Jekyll & Hyde! Brick got over his shyness and sang with me for the crowd. He has a beautiful voice. And B and I sang and BigSis and I sang. (NDN volunteered to sing, but he's not much of a singer. He should stick to entertaining the crowd with his "awkward" humor and by showing his beautiful nipples!)

After that, the plan was to go to a karaoke bar in Little Korea-- one of the ones with private rooms. We brought in our own sodas and didn't have to be hassled with alcohol around. Again, it was a lot of fun. At the end of the night there, it was just me, Brick, B and Drippy. B and I had a little tiff, which was awkward, but we resolved it soon enough. Brick and I proved to be the only true late night people, so we went out to play pool after that.

I feel like this post is jumping from subject to subject, event to event. But, a lot has been going on for me lately. So much so that it's impossible to blog every minute of it anymore. I feel guilty about that, but I suppose I shouldn't. I need to stop feeling so guilty about things in general.

Entering "phase two" of my program, and with 73 days sober, I'm getting the itch to start moving forward a little in terms of work. I contacted my department chair and my professors that I owe work to. So far, I've gotten positive responses, but I have to go in and meet with the department chair on Monday and I'm really nervous about it. I'm trying to get life back on track in a professional way. It's hard. Brick is busy writing cover letters and applying for jobs. I'm really proud of him, too.

So many things have been changing. I miss NDN living next door to me. My new neighbors are a young couple. They seem really nice, but I haven't gotten to know them that well yet. And as for my therapist? I told her that I want a break from everything. We have some strange transference issues going on, and I feel like I hurt her feelings. Even though I'm trying to learn that other people's feelings are not my responsibility, I feel bad.

And then there's Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc! As usual, I don't know what to make of him. I just ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and I feel sick. Did I think it would help with the pain and panic in me that is Narc? I don't know... It didn't. But at least I didn't drink. I could betray myself and call him if I would drink. But I won't.

I just wish that things were different and that I could love him and be okay.

I wish... I wish...

This just in...

I'm speechless. And sad. Sad and speechless...

*************************************

Sent: Thursday, July 20, 2006 11:28 AM
To: Hyde
Subject: "Oooohhh, that's gotta hurt!!"

The most brutal review ever:

http://www.aintitcoolnews.com/tb_display.cgi?id=23916#1224535

Still want to go see it?

Narc

Goodbye, Addiction.

Today I read this letter in my group. I am fucking exhausted. I am still feeling numb about the Narc situation. I can't eat much, but other than that I guess I'm okay.

Anyway, this letter was hard to read. Here it goes...

Dear Addiction,

I hate goodbye's. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. But I know that this is what I have to do. I never thought I would be strong enough to say goodbye to you. And I'm scared. For a long time, I loved you. Sometimes, for brief moments, I think I still do. You are deceitful that way. It doesn't make any sense to me why I should love something so harmful to me. You sneak up on me now and remind me of the "good times." But I have to remember how you hurt me. Even though I thought I had things under control, my life was falling apart. I was scared then too-- scared of failure, scared of dying, scared of disappointing-- that people would find out our secret. So, now all I know is that this has to be goodbye. I can not have you in my life anymore. You are just too dangerous.

I've known you for my whole life. I watched you work your magic from afar when I was very young. I looked up to my dad. He was powerful. But you were even stronger than he was! You held him like a puppet on a string, transforming him from happy to angry, bringing him down from health to sickness. And I wondered about you-- dangerous and forbidden. I never understood why my dad became so frightening. You knew things about him that I couldn't. You took my dad away from me. And you took my faith in God. When I was a child, you were stronger than God. I was angry and scared and in awe of you. You were in control of my family. I was out of control. And I retreated in defeat, trusting no one, locked inside.

After that, I stayed away from you as much as I could. But you were always in my thoughts. I never drank in high school. I didn't want to go to parties to see you or even smell you. I held out for a long time. I felt different from everybody else. I tried so hard to be a "good girl." I wanted people to like me. I wanted to please my teachers. I wanted someone to see me. But I felt so trapped. I needed something to happen. I often thought about dying. And I started to hurt myself. I hated myself. And I was alone.

And then, one night, I decided I was tired of fending you off. I finally got up the nerve to invite you into my own life and into my body. I remember that first night as clear as day... how warm you were. You seemed, to me, a miracle. And somehow, I thought I might finally understand why my dad loved you more than he loved me... Why he was willing to die for you... Why he never said his own goodbye. You unlocked a door for me that night. You took what I had been-- trapped, unseen, unrecognized, muted-- and you set me free. I knew you were dangerous, but I didn't care. I was sick of playing it safe. And you made good on your word. You let me be all of the things that I never dared to be before. I finally felt natural and free. I thought you showed me how to be me.

I made you an integral part of my life immediately. Within a month I was binge drinking and blacking out on a regular basis. But you did so much for me. It was easy to make friends with you around. I thought people liked me better with you. I could say whatever was on my mind and for once stop worrying about everyone else's feelings. I knew that my freedom came at a price. I knew you were hurting me from the start. But I didn't care. You told me that it was okay to hurt myself-- to be an alcoholic. I hated myself and I romanticized you. Often times, you and I would stay up late hours, pacing the cold city streets, furiously scribbling in my journal. With you by my side, I felt like a poet.

And for me, you became inextricably linked to sex, drama, pain and passion. Where were those things in my life before you? "Nowhere," you told me. I had been numb. You convinced me that you gave my life motion and connection. You became my obsession. Only now do I realize that it was you who made me numb.

I've always felt so vulnerable, so scared. But not so with you. With you I felt strong. With you I felt worldly. You tricked me into believing that I was in control. And I never questioned the fact that in spite of your company, underneath it all, I still felt desperately alone.

For a long time, I ignored your flaws... or I glorified them and reveled in them. You were eroding me, but somehow I still managed to get things done, so you convinced me that I was okay. Even with you by my side, I graduated from college, got a great first job, moved in with a boyfriend, taught high school at age 22, got a full scholarship and did my MA in a year, started my PhD and was teaching college at age 25. Yes, you had me convinced I was in control. We had a rocky start, but I learned to keep you in line, didn't I?

You tricked me into forgetting how powerful you are. I knew you were a killer, but I forgot what that meant. Or you told me not to care. As time went on, you got worse. You seized me, starting to destroy my life in more concrete ways. You were with me at every moment, whispering in my ear. I trusted you, but you gave me the worst advice. You drove me to promiscuity, danger and shame. You made me believe I was not good enough without you. You introduced me to men who drank and drugged-- violent, witholding or rejecting men. You took away my pride in my education. You made me lie and manipulate my friends and family. You made me betray my friends, family and myself. You made me disappoint everyone. I started to think I needed you in order to sleep. Other nights, you wouldn't let me let me sleep. You took my energy, my passion for life, for school. You drove me to forget about history, art and music and neglect my responsibilities. You wanted me all to yourself. You convinced me I had no options. "Stick with me," You said. "It's either that or going back to feeling trapped, to cutting, to suicidal thoughts. Stick with me or you'll be too shy to meet men, too insecure to trust or to have sex." I believed you. I had two options-- you or going back to feeling trapped.

Even so, I always tried to remember my dad and what happened to him. But whenever I felt guilty for being an alcoholic, you were there in my ear. "He loved me too," you said. "Now you are closer to him. Now you can understand him. It was impossible for him to leave me. It will be impossible for you." I listened to you and really believed you brought me closer to him.

For me, you mixed love, passion, and drama with pain, fear and damage. You put me on a roller coaster in destructive relationships. I lost myself. The blackouts were always there. I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. You have spun me around so many times that I can honestly say I have no fucking clue who I am or how to be. Love became confused with pain. Pleasure came at the price of a loss of self respect.

You've been with me for all of my life, addiction. But it's time for you to go. I am terrified of life without you. I am afraid of the loneliness that you promise me will come. So I need to be strong now and have faith-- faith in that sense of God that so long ago you convinced me to abandon.

I feel a life inside of me-- a future waiting to be born. You have no place in that life and I refuse to let you take that future.

Yes, I will miss you. And yes, I am terrified of life without you. But I am ready to say good bye. I want to grow up and I want to be me. With you around, I'll never know who that is.

So, farewell addiction. I'll never forget you. But I never, ever want to see you again.

Love,

Hyde

Amarantine

I called Narc this afternoon:

Hey Narc, it's Hyde. Just calling to see how you are and what's up. You haven't really been around this week. I mean, I texted you on Tuesday to see if you wanted to meet up some time, and I never heard back from you. It's Friday now. If you're busy, that's okay, but at least tell me that you're busy. I'm kind of worried about you. Anyway, hope you're surviving the heat and that all is well with you. Give me a call when you get a chance. Alright. Bye.

Shortly thereafter, I received the following text:

Still here. Dating PopStarChick as of about a week ago. Still want to see you of course, but obviously we need to re-think how we spend our time together. Call soon.

So... that's it.

-h-

The end.

I am numb.

The end.

A Quickie

So much, so much is going on! And here I am-- Hyde, the prolific blogger with no time or energy to tell you all!

I just got back from a mini-date with Double-T. (No making out. But some insinuation and hands on my thigh). Brick is crashed out in my bed. I sang "You're So Vain," tonight in his honor. (Not because he's vain, but because he loves that song).

I'm throwing a dinner party on Saturday night. My sisters are coming with their men, and B and NDN and Brick. (Hammer can't make it b/c she's in Portland, and I had to do it this weekend b/c B is leaving for the Philippines on the 19th). I'm working so hard in my recovery to start to integrate all of my worlds, and this dinner is really important to me. I'm nervous (although I don't know why), but I think that this is overall a really good thing in terms of my progress.

That said, I'm having Narc-withdrawal. BIG TIME. I could explain why and what's been going on, but as you all know, my Narc stories must be told in obsessive detail, so I won't try to say more than that now. You'll have to wait for that one. But TT's reemergence? Interesting... That guy is nothing if not persistant. And he's very kind. And very non-judgemental. He shaved his head and grew a goatee. He still looks like a softee in his glasses, but when he takes them off, he looks very menacing. Of course, I like that. (He's super tall and a big guy. Maybe 6'5"?)

Hmm... What else? Religrope won me a stuffed SpiderMan and a lizard at Coney Island and gave them to me and made me feel very awkward. He has a weird obsession with me and Brick and talks all the time about how he wants to hang out with us. What else about group? I now think I have a little crush on Senegal. Some other guy at the center--MI-- has been flirting with me. Today Senegal got protective/possessive and brought up that he saw that other guy talking to me. There's no better combination than "protective/possessive" in my book. (Perhaps that will change as I get better). Oh-- and speaking of getting better, I may have a new therapist. And my mom came with me for counseling with my regular group counselor a few times, and I feel like things are improving in terms of how open I can be with my family. My mom and I actually talked about my dad a little over dinner--walls are crumbling. It's the stuff that never gets mentioned. And it all felt okay.

That said, I'm not really feeling better. At least not consistently. Not yet. My moods are more up and down. And I feel incredibly vulnerable. Oh yeah-- and anxious. But I am just starting to feel life again. And even "on life's terms," it's pretty amazing.

Today? 67 days.

love,
h

PS: Mr. Mystic-- don't know how often you're reading here, but I wanted to tell you this-- All of a sudden, all of your comments that I misunderstood are suddenly starting to make sense. :)

Travel Diaries: Front Royal to Pigeon Forge

Anniversaries are all around me. Today would have been my seven year anniversary with B. Weird... So, seven years ago, I got drunk and high and jumped my best friend...

Anyway, I'm still in the midst of the giant overhaul of my life. Today's activity? Continuing on the cleaning and reorganization of my apartment. I just haven't been as up to blogging lately, but the blog is important to me, so I'm trying my best to stay steady. And I do want to tell you all about my trip with Brick. So, here's the next leg of it...

Where was I? Ah, yes! I left you all just as Brick and I were about to hit the road. The drive from NJ to VA was a nice one. We did pass through one absolutely tremendous thunderstorm near the Delaware River.

Giant cracks of lightning split the earth so near to us that I was genuinely afraid. We were also waved through the toll booth there. Later, when we heard about all of the flooding to the region, we realized we were passed through the toll due to the massive evacuations.

As we drove South, the landscape changed-- from towns to farms, and then from one type of farm to another. It's hard to describe the subtle shifts, but the sense of leaving "New York" was palpable. As we hadn't really gotten on the road until around 4:00 pm, it was after 11:00 when we finally arrived at our first destination-- Front Royal, Virginia.

We checked in to the motel and asked the guy at the desk if there was anywhere we could still get a meal around there at that hour.

"Do you like steak?" he asked.

"Um, yeah..."

"Well, there's a steak house just next door."

Perfect!

Brick and I set off on foot. There was, however, no steak house. When we got there, we saw a hot dog cart/sausage stand. And it was closed. We turned to walk back in the other direction, ducking the low tree branches along the side of the road. Passing our motel again, we found a bar on the other side that also seemed to be a restaurant. We decided to try it.

What we found was really most bizarre. The bouncer checked our ID's and we asked if they were still serving food. While he went to ask the proprietor, a very drunk blonde girl approached us to see what we were looking for. She seemed to know everyone in the place. She offered us some advice about where to go for food, but it all seemed dreadfully complicated at that late hour in that foreign town. Just then, the bouncer returned and told us that bar food was available. We went up to the bar to order. (They were only serving beer and soda-- no hard liquor). And as luck would have it, our diet cokes were free refills! Behind the counter was a giant mural of the World Trade Center.

When we sat at the table and began to take in our surroundings, we started to realize the truly strange nature of the establishment we had stumbled into. First of all, it was karaoke-night. The karaoke host was behind a DJ booth on the other side of the room. In front of him was a sparsely populated dance floor under a cheesy disco ball with rotating colored lights. The customers were another issue all together. There was one table of middle aged/senior couples. And there were women everywhere. A lot of women. Half of them were dressed like men-- in wife beaters, baggy shorts, with cropped hair and tattoos on their biceps. All of the girls seemed to know each other and they seemed to be swapping partners on the dance floor, all sitting on each other's laps. Had we walked into a lesbian bar?

Brick decided to ask our very friendly waitress (a proud tattooed grandma who took our numbers for when she comes to visit New York). She explained that it wasn't a lesbian bar, per say, but that the only other joint in town was riddled with drugs, gangs and chains, and that this place was a better option "for the ladies." I guess her explanation made sense, but the whole thing was just so odd. (We took a few pictures with Brick's cell phone, but he hasn't emailed them to me yet, so I can't post them!)

I sang a few numbers, and then Brick and I sang "Summer Nights." We did a great job, I must say (despite my scratchy throat) and it was the first time I got Brick to sing with me in public. The best part of the night? We could smoke in the bar! Ah, how it reminded me of my youth! So, we basically just sat there chain smoking, drinking diet cokes and taking in the crowd. At one point, the drunk blonde girl who had greeted us took a friend behind a curtain and they disappeared. It's as if she lived upstairs above the bar. We finally decided to take off at around 1:00 am.

That night, I was feeling anxious. I wanted to read "the Big Book" in bed. Brick didn't really want to. (For me, that was the last moment of me really working the program with AA. I MUST get back to it this week. I've been lazy and awful and can't stay this way!)


The next morning, Brick loaded up the Jeep and we set off on our way. Our first stop? A crumbling diner with an interesting message for it's patrons.

Our waitress was very slow and very snippy and barked at Brick when he asked for cheese on his eggs. As we pulled out of the diner and turned towards Shenandoah, Brick realized he had rolled right over some freshly paved cement, leaving tire tracks. Oops!

In any case, we made our way into the park, the weather immaculate, the top down on the Jeep. And the views? Absolutely breathtaking. I was filled with an absolute resolution-- a peace that can only come when one contextualizes human foibles within the majesty of nature.

We snaked our way South down the Blue Ridge Mountains along Skyline Drive, pausing at overlook points along the way, taking amusing pictures. It was a fabulous time. And the whole way, we were blasting our music-- the same three CD's I had compiled right before we left, with as many country tracks as my tired eyes found among my iTunes collection.

At about 40 miles in, we stopped to go horseback riding. Unfortunately the only stable we found would only allow walking trail rides. I asked them if I could use their bathroom, but there were so many flies around that I really didn't want to. Brick was upset because he got an "ugly" horse.

Mine, however, had a beautiful red mane-- the color I would love my hair to be! I tried to take pictures from the horse, but got yelled at by our guide. Also, at one point, Brick wanted to take off his hat and didn't want to hold it. I volunteered to hold it for him, but we couldn't get our horses to walk next to each other to do the trade off. I guess they're just super-trained to stay in a straight line. It was frustrating.

Brick wanted me to sing while on the horse. I didn't go that far, but when we were back in the Jeep, I had a magical musical moment. We were speeding through the mountains, the air smelling sweet, the sky a perfect blue, and Brick singing to me "If I Loved You." It was a dream come true! Really!

So, I thought Skyline Drive was amazing. We had only one difficulty. At one point, a park ranger was driving behind us and Brick got anxious, as he was sure he would be pulled over for speeding. But it all turned out to be nothing.

Anyway, at the bottom of the park, we reached the town of Waynesboro. We drove into town a bit to look for a place for lunch. The place we settled on was a real culture shock. The building was entirely run down, a flimsy screen door on the outside, and the inside covered in wood paneled walls, country music on the juke box and paper "Budweiser" decorations hanging from the ceiling. There were about five people there, and everyone turned to look at us when we came in, interested in where we were coming from and where we were headed to. One large old man at the counter suggested that we stop off in Marion, VA before pressing on to TN. He said that the ride to Pigeon Forge was too much for one afternoon. Then he limped out to the bathroom which was located outside of the restaurant. Our waitress was very friendly. We asked her what hush puppies are (they're balls of fried dough, usually made of cornmeal) and she told us that she had been to Dollywood on her honeymoon. (Brick and I tried to imagine that once in Pigeon Forge. It was hard.)

So, we relaxed, re-read the map, finished our barbecue sandwiches and were on our way.

We continued on the road for about five to six hours. Finally, at around 11:30, we reached Pigeon Forge.

To be continued...

Oh, and PS: Narc has been ignoring my texts since Saturday. Ugh! When will I EVER learn? I've been feeling nauseated ever since yesterday afternoon. PLEASE write back, Narc! Please!

Echoes

Today weighs heavily in my mind. Everything echoes... the past is here in my present. Ghosts. Deep prints. But also change. I'm digging my way out of that downward spiral, that "eternal recurrence" that I used to talk about so much...

Seven years of speech in a circle, I once wrote.

The bruises lifted from my mind
To my face.

Today is the two year anniversary for me and Narc. ("It's your anniversary. Not his," Brick pointed out.) I just got off the phone with him. We talked for half and hour. That's a long time for me and Narc and to be on the phone. He had texted me earlier this evening:

Narc: The Patriot beckons... So long. I can't resist.

Hyde: Toss one back in honor of me and the good old days! :)

Narc: God, this place is depressing... Leaving in 5... What are you up to tonight?

Hyde: Now? Organizing book shelves. At least trying to... No real plans but meeting NDN at 9:30 am tomorrow. Promised to help him furniture shop. Why? Wanna hang?

Narc: Heading home now, but if you have early plans no worries. Organize, cleanse the space, etc.! Call later.

Hyde: K. Will probably be sick of this by 11. Will call then. Btw-- as a historian, I must point out-- today is 2 yrs since we met. Weird, right? Anyway, talk later...

I ended up on the phone with B at around 10:45. I found an old journal with poems that B had written me as far back as 1997. He was trying to be TS Eliot or Allen Ginsberg in those days. He winced at the mention of those poems and didn't want to hear them. He insulted them. Insulted the him that he was. That made me angry. I loved the boy that wrote those poems. I didn't want anyone to insult him. Or his heart. Or his efforts. B wrote those poems for me long before we were ever "together." But I still loved him then.

I was suicidal back then... Well, if not actively suicidal, at the very least I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. My journals reeked of them-- a sweet, putrid scent. It didn't scare me to read all of that. But it fascinated me-- the kind of peculiar fascination reserved for the bizarre and the horrid. I was a Romantic... a very interesting writer. The world moved for me then. It was mysterious and flexing and full of symbols. What a creepy voice I had.

It echoes.

Anyway, today brought another visitor from the past-- VJ returned! She is back from Miami for six weeks. I haven't seen her in about a year!

Today, we met in the late afternoon and had dinner together at a sushi place on 3rd Avenue. Then we walked back to my apartment and just hung out and talked. I showed her a lot of pictures and we listened to music. After that, we relocated to my bedroom where she entertained me while I reshelved and reorganized books. VJ is like family-- entirely comfortable and someone that I know will be in my life forever. It was good to see her.

I went to see a psychiatrist this afternoon. He wrote me two prescriptions-- one to help with anxiety/depression and the other to help me sleep. I'm a little nervous about taking them, but I guess it's worth a try.

I still haven't resolved the issues I've been having with my usual therapist. The most recent communication I got from her was the following email:

Dear Hyde,

I think you are either angry with me or avoiding me. Please get in touch so we can straighten out whatever we need to. Shrinks are human and therefore not perfect. I think the issue is that I disappointed you.

Dr. ------------

I haven't written back yet.

My counselor (at the rehab) asked me if I love Narc. I said "no," and I thought it was true at the time that she asked, but I think that the answer is really "yes." I love him, with no explanation. I can't tell you why. But I don't love him in the way that I used to say I do. I don't love him because it hurts. I just love him. Just because...

(She asked me what I love about him. I couldn't answer. I hate her for that.)

When I spoke to him on the phone tonight, it was him being him. I was tired and he wanted to hang up at around 12:15. But I still sort of wanted to see him. (Maybe I just didn't want to sleep alone.)

"Are you gonna be up late?" I asked. "Do you want to maybe hang out later? Wanna give me a call?"

"You have to get up early," he said. "You want to stay home tonight."

(I do?)

He likes to do that-- tell me what I want to do. That way he never has to say that he needs me or anything like that. I'm okay with it. He didn't want to see me. I'm not sad. I'm kind of glad to be staying home. It's where I should be. Maybe he knew better for tonight. Unlike me, he doesn't have to push it. I'm not used to going to bed alone. I always need a boy or a bottle. And Brick and I are always together now, except tonight he has his mom staying over at his place.

This morning, Brick and I started our day by sunbathing on my roof and having breakfast at the diner. Then I helped him draft a cover letter. Then we parted ways. Last night, he came over here late after having watched The Devil Wears Prada. The movie brought up a lot of different emotions for him. He said that I was a good friend. That made me really happy. I want to see Brick work it all out and succeed. I'm going to be so proud of him. I know it. I was able to stay up late with him because I napped for three hours that afternoon. I think I'm still a little sick from last weekend.

So, today is my two year anniversary with Narc. And guess what else? It's my 60th day sober. Holy shit, that scares me. I don't like numbers sometimes. They make me afraid of what I've lost. But that's just nerves. I know I'm better off going forward.

I know that my last post was really depressing, but what can I say? I was in a really bad state. I can't stand fighting with Brick. I'm also afraid of something in my own head... an awful premonition I have, like the rumbling before a storm. Something bad is coming. (Isn't there a song about this in "West Side Story?") I'm trying to calm myself down though. Brick and I may have squabbled "like a married couple" (as the people in group put it) but we didn't go to bed angry. In fact, we were together again that very night. And as for my premonition, no matter what may or may not be coming, things are okay "right now," and I try to remind myself of that.

As for group, it's getting a little surreal. Senegal called me at home the other night and we spoke for about 20 minutes. He called me "little girl" and was flirty with me. He is an okay guy, though. I think he's cool, and I don't mind it, as long as it doesn't start to make me uncomfortable being open in group. Today, on my way out of the psychiatrist's office, I bumped into another guy that I had met in the reception area yesterday. He shook my hand and gave me his phone number and his meeting book. He circled his home meetings and a bunch of others and urged me to hang out with him. I have more days than he does. How did that happen? He has a lot of tattoos.

Anyway, the strangest part of group? Religrope! And Religrope is growing stranger by the day. He's become fixated on the idea of winning me a stuffed animal. First he was going to win it at Great Adventure, and then at Coney Island. The other day, he brought it up in group a dozen times.

"I'm gonna win one for Hyde," he kept saying. "It's gonna be so big, she won't be able to carry it! It's gonna knock her right down! You'd like that, Hyde, eh?" he asked, jabbing me in the arm. "I bet that would put a smile on your face!"

He said it over and over again.

During group, while someone else was talking, he took out some money and showed it to Brick and told him that he was going to use it to win me a stuffed animal. Brick couldn't stop laughing.

Later, Religrope asked me what my favorite color was. (Brick told me that Religrope is planning to buy me a handbag in my favorite color).

"Blue," I said.

"What shade of blue? Light blue? Navy blue?"

"I don't know... ocean blue?" I shrugged.

Religrope makes me very uncomfortable.

To make matters worse, Religrope called Brick yesterday and told him that he won me a SpiderMan doll at Coney Island. That means on Monday I'll have to be confronted with him presenting it to me. Ugh!

Well, I guess that's it for now. I still have a lot to write about our trip, but I better get to bed if I'm going to be up in time to help NDN with a smile on my face. By the way, I think you should all be informed-- NDN is no longer my "Next Door" Neighbor. He has moved five floors down, but instead of renting, he actually bought an apartment, and is now a homeowner! So, congratulations, NDN, even though I miss you already!

As I write this, I feel a prolonged sadness. A longing. A delicate impression. Time, time, time. Two years ago, I met Narc. One year ago, we were hardly speaking.

(In fact, one year ago, I sent him the following text:

Wasn't ignoring you Tuesday night. Just think it's best this way. You asked in your text if I thought we could be friends. The honest answer? No. That's all. Goodbye, Narc.

His relpy?

You're right. I suppose I just didn't want to end us on a low note, as we did. Good luck with everything.)

I'm thinking of Narc tonight, but in a more sober way. He's lingering on my mind like a bitter aftertaste. But I want him there.

I'm sad tonight, I think. I feel resigned to something, but I don't know what.

Being an adult is a little depressing. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just all the responsibility that I taste, and not Narc at all.

I don't know. But I'll leave you with that.

Good night.

love,
hyde

Sobriety Sucks.

I'm not just depressed. I'm depressed and overwhelmed. I'm depressed and overwhelmed and anxious. I really want to isolate. I don't want to see another person's face. I just want to be in my house. I want to spit at people and kick them if I have to look at them. I hate everyone.

I have SO much blogging to do-- our trip, and last weekend's Gay Pride events, and now the 4th of July festivities... But I don't feel like writing about that right now. And I don't want to stop blogging just because I'm behind in what I told myself I would write about.

Brick and I had a great time on our trip, but we fought a lot too. And I also had a lot of strange anxieties. I felt afraid of being attacked... like I didn't want to stay in certain motels. And at one point, on a roller coaster we were completely in the dark-- so dark that I couldn't see my hands in front of me. And I panicked. I feel like a little girl and I feel like I'm going to be attacked if I don't stay vigilant. I hate those feelings. I don't understand them and they make me feel stupid. I mean, really... I'm a 27 year old woman!

It's hard to explain what Brick and I are fighting about. I know that anything I say here is going to make him feel "misrepresented." And besides, we've hashed it out several times now and still can't seem to come to a consensus, so what's the point? But the whole thing has left me feeling very alone, very misunderstood and very vulnerable. Brick brought up our fighting in group today and I argued with him about it there. I said what I had to say, I guess. But it left me feeling worse, not better. He left group quickly-- without saying anything to me. I think I made him mad at me.

I feel really dizzy today... dizzy, anxious, and like it's hard for me to think straight or see straight. My head hurts and things seem to be flashing in front of me. I feel like I have water in my nose. My ears are pounding. It won't stop and the world is far away.

My mom is coming back into the city tonight for another one-on-one session. That was making me anxious too, but I just spoke to her, and she made me feel a little better.

"Your still my baby," she said. "And even if I can't fix things, I can listen for an eternity."

I love my mom.

I'm also anxious about everything going on with my therapist. I feel like there is very little solid ground to stand on right now... very little for me to lean on. Sometimes I feel like I am free-falling. And sometimes I feel so trapped and constricted that I am going to implode. But in both cases, I am pummeled from one overwhelming and anxious moment to the next.

For God's sake-- my hangout with Narc on Monday night and Tuesday morning seems to have been the calmest, most familiar and most "stable" moment of the week. That's fucked up.

The only good news of the day? VJ is coming back to town until the second week of August. I haven't seen her in so long and I'm really looking forward to it. I could use a tried and true friend about now...

Sobriety sucks.
I wish I were still drinking.
But I know that I can't.

-h-

Depressed

I'm really depressed.
Depressed and overwhelmed.
I feel far away from everyone.
And I want to be left alone.

-h-

Travel Diaries: The Prologue

Road trip!

What can I say? It was a blast, as road trips should be. We left on Thursday after group, and a rather stressful morning. Well... to put Thursday in it's right context, I should probably first say a word or two about Wednesday night... or maybe Tuesday afternoon. Okay, okay... Well, I swore I wouldn't backtrack an entire week here, but I guess I'll begin on Tuesday afternoon.

Brick and left group early on Tuesday. We hate the "relaxation" exercises that occupy the second half of our session. It's a waste, and I think that the "therapist" is pompous. So, instead we headed to Williamsburg to a thrift store called "Beacon's Closet." Brick happens to be "in the know" when it comes to fashion, and he swore it was a better place to stock up on summer T-shirts than Old Navy, as had been my plan. He was right. I ended up with three shirts (one quoting Zarathustra in Italian and one with the image of Dolly) and I also got a head scarf. Brick snagged a couple of great shirts himself. The only caveat? I forgot I had a telephone appointment with my therapist (who's in Switzerland for the summer) at 2:00 pm. It had completely slipped my mind, and when I got home, there was a rather disturbing message from her waiting for me on my machine.

I don't feel like transcribing her message, but it basically said something approximating the following:

Hyde, I've been waiting here for an hour for you to call. There isn't any excuse I can accept at this point. And I'm not even angry or frustrated. I'm just very disappointed. And I don't know if I can do this anymore. That's all. Bye.

Well, needless to say, I was upset. But I decided not to deal with it just then. Instead, I just wrote her an email apologizing for the mixup and saying "sorry that I disappointed her."

Later in the day, we went back to Brick's place and I stopped in at Barnes & Noble in Chelsea to get a guide book to Shenandoah and the Smoky Mountains and a road map of the Southeast.

Oh yeah, and on Tuesday night, I sent Narc a text:

Driving to TN this weekend! Leaving Thurs. I wanna get a cowboy hat to go with my Reds. Will miss you though. Is your TV in yet? How's the work coming?

I was sure I wouldn't hear back from him.

Wednesday:

On Wednesday, Brick and I went back to group. Then we parted ways. I had lunch plans with B. B and I met in the park near group and Brick came with me so that I could finally give the two of them a proper introduction. Both of them confided in me that they were nervous about meeting the other. After that, B and I had Indian food for lunch and then headed back into Midtown. We took a walk over to the Catholic Church in Dag Hammarskjold Plaza and sat inside for a while. Then we came back to my place and sang. I was in an emotionally strange place because my mom was coming into the city to visit the rehab with me. We were meeting with our group counselor in a one-on-one. My mom and I also had a lot to discuss regarding my finances-- something I was not really looking forward to.

At around 4:00, she pulled up to my building. I said goodbye to B and headed to the meeting with her. I really don't want to go into what came up, or what was discussed, as I don't think I'm ready to sort through all of that, and I don't want to dip into it here without giving it the attention it deserves, but the bottom line is that I was left with a million and one new feelings. I was quite unsettled. We had dinner after the meeting and then my mom drove me home. I found myself angry and scared and overwhelmed and crying a lot.

As I was on my way in, I called Narc. He had been texting me earlier in the evening while I was with my mom.

N: Am playing greatest WWII game ever!!

H: Am meeting with my mom on money matters. Yuck. Will call later...

N: Ugh indeed! Call later...

Later that night, I got another text from him: Ooh la la! "So You Think You Can Dance" in Hi Def!!

When I called him, he didn't pick up, so I left a message. I told him that I was shaken up from everything with my mom. I basically just left a real message-- an honest message... no posturing. And afterwards, I felt strange.

Brick met me at my place at around 10:00 pm. We still had a lot to get together for our trip. I started to pack. The plan was for me to pack and then to go sleep at his place. I couldn't get my stuff together quick enough though, and I was stressed. We decided to sleep apart for only the second time in over a month. I knew it wasn't going to be easy for me to get to sleep, and it wasn't. But that's okay-- it gave me time to make three mix-CD's for the road!

The next morning, I had to rush. I wanted to bring my bags over to Brick's place and to head to group from there. But I had to stop in Duane Reade first to pick up a prescription. I was ready to KILL them when I was there by 8:30, and the pharmacy was still closed "because the pharmacist was late," as some dull-eyed cashier explained it to me. I rushed over to Brick's anyway. I would have to make another trip back to my neighborhood after group for my medication.

Group was pretty standard, except for the fact that Religrope told me and Brick that he's jealous of our friendship and that he wants to be close to us too. He asked if we wanted to go to Great Adventure with him.

"Brick and I could win you a stuffed monkey!" he exclaimed, jabbing me in the leg. "You know-- the kind that velcro's around your neck!"'

"Yeah, that would be nice," I awkwardly smiled.

After group, I went on my mad rush to get my medicine and get back to Brick at Penn Station by 2:00. Thankfully, this time the pharmacy was open. I also stocked up on some Red Bull and Haribo cherries for the road. Brick is a Red Bull junkie, just like me!

While I was in the cab on the way to Penn Station, I called Narc. I asked him what he was doing for the holiday. I told him that Brick and I were going over to Hammer's roof to watch the fireworks, and that he was welcome to come.

"No, I think I'm going up to some friends in Dobb's Ferry," he said.

I started to tell him a little bit about the meeting the previous day with my mom. I also told him about the issue that I'm having with my therapist. He was really supportive about it and told me about a similar issue he was having with his therapist. It was a really good conversation. I felt like for once I was being entirely myself, and he was being normal! And we were talking for real. I was elated when we hung up the phone. I felt really good. Good at my core. I liked it. I like it again now thinking about it. Yay!

In the meanwhile, Brick was frantically calling me and I was stuck in traffic in a cab. I got out of the cab and jogged the remaining block to Penn Station. Brick quickly ushered me into the train station and onto the train. His mom had agreed to pick us up in NJ and take us to his sister's place where Brick keeps his Jeep Wrangler.

Once we met his mom, there were some road closures and she was a little distressed about how to get home. Finally, she found it though. Brick and I loaded up the car and headed for our first pit stop-- getting the oil changed. While we waited for the car, we ate some Burger King. Spicy chicken, to be exact. And then we were off!

To be continued...

I'm Back!

Hey everyone!

Just writing to say hi and that I'm back from my adventures through the Southeast. I'm at Brick's right now-- in the gym in his apartment building to be exact. Only while he is breaking a sweat on the stairmaster next to me, I'm sitting on an exercise bike and blogging from his roommate's laptop. On TV? A weather warning-- there are thunderstorms coming. Hopefully they'll clear out in time for tonight's fireworks.

Our trip was a lot of fun. I'm working on a longer post with details and photos, and I promise to get that done as soon as I can. As for last night? I spent it with Narc. I also spent the morning there. I couldn't help but think about last year when he went to Coney Island with the Exhibitionist for the 4th of July, but that's okay. This year isn't last year. Things are different. And that's good.

In other news, Hammer has a new love in her life, and I'm probably going to meet him today!

Sehr dramatisch!

Hope you are all well and enjoying summer!

Lots of love,

h