The Meeting

Okay, okay... I'm blogging again and it's just one day later. Don't get me wrong, I'm renewing my resolve, but there's gotta be some room for fucking up, right? Don't worry...I didn't see Narc last night and didn't call him. I'm really trying to stick to that one.

That said, I did get drunk last night though. (Shit, shit, shit!). The only reason that the evening was blog-worthy at all is because a very strange thing happened. Now, I was going to wait for our "anniversary" to tell you the story of how I met Narc, but as this strange coincidence happened last night, I think I'll tell it to you now. Plus, I'm obsessing now, but hopefully by next week, I won't want to be thinking of Narc anymore. (Some of you who have known me for a while have already heard this story time and again, so in that case, you can just scroll past it. Also, if you're sick of obsessing about Narc, this post will probably bore you, but I'm just not done yet...).

Anyway, here's the story:

It was July 7th, 2004. It was a humid, pensive afternoon and I sat in Riverside Park journaling before my voice lesson. The whole world was dragging. B had his first girlfriend since our breakup and it was really hard for me to deal with. I remember that I was wearing a chunk of green calcite around my neck hoping that it would help soothe me. It didn't really work. Something strange was in the air, though. I remember staring at the peeling bark of the trees in the park and becoming almost hypnotized.

That afternoon I was hanging out with VJ. We had lunch and then while I was taking my voice lesson, she went to get her hair cut. I met her at the salon and bought an Aveda lipstick (which I happen to have worn two days ago.) Later that afternoon we went to see Dodgeball on 84th street. After that I ran across the street to pick up a bottle of wine. I was going up for a dinner party in Washington Heights. My friend NiS had just moved back into the city. (I hardly ever see him, but strangely I have dinner plans with him again tonight!) Anyway, it was a fun little dinner party, but I got drunk. Marlon Brando had died that week, and I kept going on about him. I took a car service home because it was late (after 11:00) and that neighborhood is shady. The driver flirted with me and gave me his card.

As I was slightly revved up from the alcohol, I wasn't ready to turn in for the night, so I went to Cheers instead. I wasn't yet in the habit of hanging out at Cheers by myself. When I went in IrishBird gave me kisses and a lot of attention. We weren't really "friends" yet so I was flattered. I remember being self-conscious. Was it strange to be drinking alone on a Wednesday night? I noted in my journal that I hadn't done anything like that since the night that Tampa Bay won the Stanley Cup the previous month...

I was, indeed, in a strange mood. Being up in Washington Heights near Columbia's Med School made me think of AIR7 and flooded me with the feeling of ghosts. I was depressed and just felt "off" and desperately alone. What a strange mood! I sat in Cheers writing in my journal, but when my handwriting began to get sloppy from the alcohol, I put down my pen and moved over to the bar.

While I was sitting at the bar, a blonde woman in her 40s came into the bar, pulling up the stool next to me. She looked like she had at one point been beautiful, but had since grown haggard-- fucked up and weary from life. We started talking. Her name was JFig. A man seated nearby, Peter Allan bought us drinks. (It's strange how I remember everything about that night). JFig was drunk already. I was well on my way. JFig was restless and after an hour or so of talk suggested that we go dancing.

"Dancing? It's a Wednesday night, and I'm not dressed for it!"

"Who cares! Let's just go!" she said.

I agreed. We marched over to my building and I left all of my stuff with the doorman except for my cash and credit cards. Then we set off. We walked up Second Avenue to 52nd street, but couldn't agree on where to go or what to do. She suggested that we head down to Webster Hall.

"All right. Fine with me..."

We got in a cab together and were off.

As the cab driver pulled past Webster Hall we saw that it was closed. JFig told me that she knew some other places in the Village, so we stayed in the cab and pressed on. She told me that she had dated "Dmitri" from the soap opera All My Children. I used to watch that show, so I was a little excited about that.

"Do you remember when he left the show because he had a problem with drugs?" she asked.

"Sure... Of course! That was around 1996 or so, right?"

"Right. That's when I was with him."

"Cool."

We drove past Tompkins Square Park and I told her about when I had to do community service there.

"What did you do to get that?" she asked.

"Oh, I used to have a coke thing in college," I explained.

"Do you still use?"

"No. I haven't touched the stuff in three years or so now."

"Oh. Well, that's too bad, because I have some on me," she smiled.

"You're fucking kidding me!" I exclaimed. "You have it with you?"

"Sure! We can do some at the club."

I was psyched, but nervous. This whole night was becoming surreal. Who was this woman I was with? She seemed like some kind of crazy angel of sin.

Anyway, we went to a club where she knew the owner. She knew a lot of people there, explaining that when she had moved to the city years before she had been part of some "in" crowd and still had some contacts. She led me into the bathroom and cut some lines on the edge of the sink. We snorted them up and then headed onto the dance floor. I danced with a few guys that night, but there weren't too many to choose from as it was only a Wednesday night. After a while, we got bored and left.

We walked over to another bar that she knew in the neighborhood. I'll never remember the name of that one though. (Probably for the best). On the way there we passed "Off the Wagon" and again I thought of AIR7 and that night on Long Island Iced Teas. The bartender in the next place was cute. JFig and I headed to the ladies room together, but as it was a single stall, the bartender told us that we couldn't go in together. JFig told me that she would go first and leave me a few lines on the back of the toilet tank, and that I should go in immediately following her exit. We did that a few times.

Two guys sitting next to us noticed our little act. One was an actor and the other told me that he was a "director." (Guess who that was?) We hung out there for a long time chatting it up with them. JFig was getting really fucked up from the drugs and alcohol. She was really loud and wasn't making much sense. I was kind of embarassed to be with her as she just seemed really far gone from life in general. She was flirting with them so brazenly. Not my style.

I don't remember the details of all that conversation. What I do remember-- a group of different guys came in and sat on our other side. They were all hipster-music types. I thought they were drunk, but couldn't tell, as I was pretty fucked up myself at that point. One of them started talking to me about his recording studio. It was then that JFig turned to me to say that she had run out of blow and that she was going to buy some more.

"You know where to get it around here?" I asked.

"Sure. I have a few numbers. One of them is a car delivery."

She left me there in the bar with the actor, the director and those music guys. The actor and director introduced themselves as James and Narc. They were excited at the prospect of JFig buying more drugs and asked me if we wanted to go back to their place. I said "okay," but that I wanted to wait for her and ask her first. James was especially into the whole coke thing.

JFig disappeared for a really long time, and the boys were getting antsy. They went outside to look for her leaving me in the bar alone. I continued talking to the hipster musicians to my left. One of them was going on and on about how he wanted to get me into his recording studio and somehow we started kissing. Just about that point, Narc came back in the bar--right when I was making out with that other guy! (Weird, right?) He tapped me on the shoulder and told me that they couldn't find JFig. I excused myself from the musicians and went outside with Narc. Indeed, JFig was nowhere to be seen. Narc and James told me to call her.

"I don't have her number," I told them. "I just met her tonight!"

"What? We thought you guys were like best friends," Narc said.

"No, really," I protested. "She's an absolute stranger, and a little crazy."

We stood there awkwardly on the street corner for a while. I was nervous. I don't remember how the topic came up, but somehow Narc and I started talking about my Master's Thesis. I had written on Schoenberg and Narc was impressed.

Finally JFig came back. She said that her friend was coming to pick her up in a car and sell her some. She wanted me to go with her, but I refused. I didn't want to be any part of a street deal. She suddenly started insisting that she wanted some "Rolling Rock" beer. I told her I would pick some up for her while we waited. Narc and James and I headed over to a nearby deli and JFig set off to meet her "friend." We bought the beer and I used the ATM. Shortly after that, JFig showed up at the deli. The grocer was Korean and she started saying something to him about "all the Chinese people." It was really embarassing. That woman was just fucking crazy.

Anyway, from there, we all got a cab back to Narc's place in Tribeca. James was staying with him because he was fighting with his wife and they were on the verge of divorce. (They've since decided to stay together and in fact had a baby!) JFig had picked up an 8-ball and we stayed up for hours drinking wine and doing lines. Narc and I kept having side converations about Schoenberg, music, spirituality, etc. JFig was mostly talking to James, but she periodically interrupted us.

"You guys are perfect for each other!" she kept interjecting. "Why don't you guys just get married already?"

It was really annoying and so childish, and again, I was embarassed by her. I wasn't sure that Narc was all that interested, so her comments made me feel awkward. He hadn't made any kind of move on me yet.

Anyway, at some point on Thursday morning (I think it was around 8:00 am), the coke ran out and it seemed like it was almost time to go. Things were coming to a natural close. Narc said that he wanted to "show me his room." Well, we all know what that means...

We ended up having sex three times. The third time he ran out of condoms and I told him that he should always keep at least four with him at all times. He laughed. We lay in bed for a while, and he told me that he really liked me from the moment he could tell that I was smart. He said it was from the moment we started talking about my thesis. I smiled but wondered if it were true. After that, he just wanted to kiss for hours. He told me that I'm an amazing kisser. I felt uncomfortable with all of it. I was used to one-night-stands Stallion-style--rough sex and no kissing. What was I supposed to do with this? I think he could tell that I felt strange because he cuddled me even closer. Of course, that made me feel even more confused. How can you be cuddled and "loved" by a an absolute stranger? I didn't feel okay until I was dressed again and back out in the living room. Narc didn't come out with me, but stayed in his bed instead and went to sleep.

I hung out with James and JFig for a while. We were all crashing from the coke, and the two of them were all over each other flirting, but didn't consumate because they're both married. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I started doing the dishes. I wanted to fix myself up, but I didn't have anything with me...no makeup or anything. JFig gave me some of hers, but she's a lot more tan then I am, and her stuff didn't match my skin tone. Whatever... Finally, JFig said it was time to go. She wanted me to go with her back to her place. She was so fucked up and was acting really crazy. Honestly, she freaked me out a little and I wasn't sure that I wanted to go with her. I went back into Narc's room to get my stuff.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Well, she wants me to go home with her, but I don't know..."

Narc told me that I could stay at his place for as long as I wanted. JFig seemed so out of her mind that I seriously thought about it. Was it better to leave with the crazy woman or stay with the boys I had just met? In the end I decided to leave with the JFig (as the boys were strangers), but Narc and I exchanged numbers.

It was awful walking out into the bright sunshine at nearly noon. It was a work day in lower Manhattan and everyone around us walked with such purpose. We weren't far from city hall and JFig was freaking out that one of her husband's "colleagues" would see her.

"Why? Does he work around here?"

She told me that he's a big-time city politician. I felt so strung out. We hailed a cab together and she announced to the cab driver that I had "just had sex." He laughed and I was mortified. She kept insisting that she couldn't go home in her "hooker shoes," she just couldn't walk into her building in those shoes...the doorman "couldn't see her like that!" I didn't get it. She wasn't in "hooker shoes." She was wearing platform sandles with ankle ties. In any event, she insisted on stopping at a shoe store on the way home. She told the cab driver to wait and to leave the meter running. I waited in the cab as she disappeared into the store. I think the driver thought we were both nuts. Well, I guess we were. I looked like absolute hell.

When she came back from the store, JFig kept insisting that I go home with her. I really didn't want to. I just wanted to go home and take a shower and restore my sanity and perspective. She wouldn't let up though. I finally got her to calm down by promising that I would go over to her place after showering and changing at my own place. God knows where I got the energy from, as I hadn't slept a wink!

When I got to her place, JFig was shocked at my "transformation." I guess I just looked a lot better all fresh and cleaned up. There were pictures on the wall of her and her husband with the Clintons, Giuliani, etc. Her husband looked much older than she was. She was drinking can after can of Bud Light and fiddling with her computers. She had about four laptops laying about and couldn't figure out how to use them. She kept going into the "settings" and fiddling with things you're not supposed to touch and fucking things up. She told me that's why she had four of them--she kept buying new ones when she couldn't get the old ones to work. Fucking insane. She asked me to set up an email account for her, and I did. Then she ordered takeout for us from some Middle Eastern restaurant. She got a shitload of food, but neither of us could eat much from all the coke the night before.

I just needed to clean out of my system, but JFig took out some more coke. She had bags of it hidden in odd places all over the apartment. She smashed it up with a credit card and it was getting all over the place. When I have that stuff I always try to conserve it carefully as it's so expensive and hard to come by, but she didn't seem to care. It was flying everywhere. We did some more of it, and then she started smoking weed. I couldn't belive how she was mixing things up--still drinking beer, doing coke AND smoking up! It was beyond belief. We used up almost all of her coke and then she said that we had to buy more.

"Where are you going to get more now?" I asked.

"Oh, I have a guy."

She called "her guy," and she made me go to the door to pay (she gave me the money for it). She bought a little extra and gave me half to take home. Well, that's how I got the contact without which I would still be drug-free. Oh well...

Anyway, I stayed at her place until about 6:00pm. I missed a tutoring appointment. I was supposed to give a lesson, but forgot about it and remembered just in time to call in sick. When I left her place I really felt like I was leaving the fucking twilight zone.

The next morning, JFig called me at about 7:30 am, but "forgot" why she was calling. She still sounded high. I bumped into her once again that summer but never saw her again after that.

So what happened with me and Narc? He called me about a week and half later to ask me out for martinis (I still have the message saved.) In the interim, I had bumped into the Stallion, whom I hadn't seen in four years, and we started our two-week torrid affair. It was fucking awesome. Narc and I played phone tag for a little while, but the martini date never happened. We finally caught up with each other on Sunday, July 25th. I told him on the phone that I hoped he wasn't "just calling me over for sex." When I got there, we hung out watching TV for a while. Then he wanted to do some strange meditation thing. I knew from the moment I arrived that we would end up fucking.

Anyway, that's the story of how I met Narc.

So why am I recounting all this now? Guess who came into Cheers last night? JFig!!! It was the weirdest thing... like some kind of strange omen! She didn't recognize me. She was wasted beyond belief and crying hysterically. BarMan gave her a hug. I tried to overhear what was going on. It seems that her husband was in the hospital and his ex-wife showed up and said that they were still married. I wanted to say something to her, but she was really hysterical and making quite a scene, so it clearly wasn't the right time. She stumbled out in an oblivion and was off into the night.

Last night I had a good time though. I told BarMan that Narc and I split.

"It's for the best," I explained.

"Hyde!!! You're telling me!"

He gave me a huge hug and it was sweet. I guess everyone has seen it except for me. I just miss him though.

Later NV showed up. We had a great time. He just "came out" to his mom, which was a really big deal for him. I wasn't planning on drinking and in fact hung out there for a few hours just drinking diet coke, but when NV arrived with his news, he bought me a shot. It was all downhill from there and I got wasted. ThursdayGirl showed up and was drunk. I asked her if she's "seeing" anyone, and she hinted that she and BarMan are together. Great Cheers gossip, right?

And guess who called me again yesterday? The Stallion! I texted him back:

Definitely need to catch up soon. Out w/friends tonight. What are you up to?

Stallion:
As usual, taking care of mama. Have a great nite-- just kicking it :)

Hyde:
Hope your mom's ok & hope I can see you soon. (btw--u know I love when you say that!) :)

Stallion:
I'll write it in the sky for ya!

He's cute.

Anyway, Cheers closed at around 2:00 am and I had the Hyde-bug in me so I headed to Manchester. I was pretty drunk. When I got there, Sean refused to serve me because I had been so wasted the previous time and he had to cut me off.

"What?" I protested, "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm totally fine!"

"Alright, Hyde. What do you want," he asked, "whiskey?"

"No. I'll have wine. And water."

He agreed, and I had a few. The guy next to me overheard the conversation and started chatting it up with me. I must have talked to him for two hours, although I don't remember a word of it. I ended up kissing him, but thinking all the while that I didn't want to be doing it. I just kissed him to kiss him, but my heart hurt because it was full of Narc. I knew it was time to get out of there before things got any worse. Finally I stumbled home. I slept in this morning and was totally unproductive, so I have to get myself moving now.

Anyway, one more word on Narc... I should have known from the very beginning that it was all bad. I looked back in my journal from last summer (and my pre-blog days) and copied down entries in which there were clear "warning signs." I'm going to type some of them out here, but don't read them if you're sick of this...

July 9th, 2004: I was kind of annoyed because he stayed in his bedroom and went to sleep (which I can totally understand because we were all crashing--coming down from the coke), but I still don't think it was the "right thing" to do.

July 14th: For a while I thought he was blowing me off and I got a little down about it.

July 29th: I hate the way he operates because he was being so tender and kissing and cuddling me, but all those messages are lies because he doesn't give a shit about me. I said that to him too--that he doesn't even care about me and he was like, "Well...it's more complicated than that." Somehow, I don't think so.

...You know what else I have to say about Narc? Fuck him for not asking me on a real date. Fuck him for making this whole ambiguous thing where we are fucking but not dating and not friends, but not strangers. I mean, it takes a certain amount of gall... Did I make him think he could do that because of the way that I behaved? AND futhermore, he didn't walk me to the door on either day that I slept with him... Seriously. He's treating me like some kind of whore. I think that should be the end of him. (Well, maybe I am...)

July 30th: He called me at 4:00 am and eventually asked me to come over, so I did a few more bumps and left, getting to his place around 5:00. I don't know what it is with this guy, but he seems to intentionally play games with my head. I told him I feel weird about the whole "closeness" thing but he keeps wanting to have sex that way--tender and he just wanted to hold me tight and cradle me. At one point he called me "MY Hyde" which really freaked me out. He didn't even want to fuck all that much... I think because he was so tired. But I still felt like such a whore being with two guys in the same night (the other was the Stallion) and in a way, that's what I think I'm trying to make myself feel like. I must be a whore because neither of these guys inteneds to care about me or my life or my feelings at all and I know it's because somehow I'm not good enough to deserve it.

August 17th: I called Narc this morning and left him a message on his machine asking him to go to the concert with me and I told him to call me back today. He never called me back so I just called him again (around 12:30) and he said that he has writing to do. He said that he has to "blow me off" because he's blowing off "all of his friends." Well, I'm pretty sure that not all of his friends are "blowing him," and for the first time, I'm starting to feel bad about this thing. A week and a half ago (the day I went over there naked under my trench coat) and stayed over, I asked him why we don't do anything besides have sex. He was like, "Well, doesn't that mean we're in a relationship then?" and I was like "Well, no. But can't we be friends as well?" I mean, he called us "fuck buddies," but I told him that we're NOT buddies. He told me that he "doesn't want to fall in love with me."

The Moment Hyde Fell in Love:
...On Tuesday I called him and must have been around 4:00 am. He told me to come over, so I did. I brought some coke and some Jack with me and wore my beautiful dress. We had really good sex that night, finally falling asleep around 9:00 am. The next day I woke up around 1:00 pm and did some work waiting for him to wake up...he finally rolled out of bed to walk me to the door and started making out with me so I agreed to stay... (then I give some details on our evening)... I felt so close to him that weekend. It's like I finally let my defenses collapse and took comfort in being near him. I know he sensed the shift. All of a sudden I lost all my power. So I thought maybe something was starting. I even felt safe for a little while...he made me feel safe! I thought he was maybe just scared to take the next step. So I asked him to that concert... Why couldn't Narc have said yes to tomorrow? He said he'd call me in a little while (as in, whenever he feels like it) and once again, I find myself in a relationship completely on someone else's terms... I think I need to end this thing here, but somehow, after this weekend it already seems hard...

August 18th: Once school starts I'm going to forget everything about this summer... I'm going to be totally back on track and do things right this time....

August 22nd: Narc has been totally blowing me off all week and it's making me depressed.

August 30th: When I got to the bar at around 4:00 am, he was totally ignoring me. So this guy at the end of the bar was talking to me and telling me to go home with him. Then Narc started paying more attentin. I confronted him in the street about why he never asks me out on dates. He said it's because "he's been hurt before and he really likes me." I'm not sure whether or not to believe him...

October 5th: Things were going along fine between me and Narc until I started to miss him when I wasn't with him and feel more than a "one night stand" type of feeling. I told him about this a few weeks ago and said we had to try to be friends "outside of bed," but he still treated me very badly. I tried to "break up" with him but we ended up reconciling--going to "Vanity Fair," etc. It was a real date and he was very sweet to me and I feel like we left off okay. After that, I didn't hear from him for a long time. I texted him when I found out that I passed my exam and he told me that he would be in the Dominican for 5 days but that he would call me when he got back. (By the way, that was early September, and he took a strange girl that he met online with him on vacation). The night I was with FourteenthFloorBoy Narc called me after his 5-day Dominican hiatus and wanted me to come over. Of course, I went, but he was shocked that I was hanging out with other guys. It was a little delicious because he never tosses me a crumb!

Then I wrote him two long letters in December pleading for more of a relationship and better treatment. (I already posted them here once before:)http://annalsofmrhyde.blogspot.com/2005/03/saturdy-and-sundays-fireworks-second.html#comments

December 17th: I feel sick with Narc in my throat like this. He texted on Wednesday nght and I didn't respond because I didn't have my new phone. But he said he would email me the next day and he hasn't. And this is maddening. It's the worst punishment of all... I wish I could share something like this concert with him... that Narc weren't the worst kind of bad for me. That this ache would go away and that I would stop wanting to punish myself. I know why he's not writing back to my emails... because there is nothing he can say (except sorry). Because every single word I've said is true and he still can't offer anything remotely acceptable.

...Narc is back only two seconds form my mind although there's no denying at this point that he's an asshole. What I feel can't be love--only some fucked up Freudian compulsion.

...Okay, so I fucking gave in and texted him. And now I'm stuck on the raw end of hell waiting for him to call me back and feeling like I love him and all sorts of shit that I know to not be true and since I can't say it to anyone in any way that approximates comprehension, it will have to remain a "platonic blue," a feeling a death... Where is Narc???

December 22nd: I can't believe what Narc said to me last night. That I have a "tremendous heart and that someone will want it, just not him." He said that I'm just not healthy and that's why he doesn't want to associate with me.

December 26th: I hate Narc. I hate everyone who's ever made me feel like I have to change myself and apologize for who I am. I won't do it.

And that's when this blog started.

So...Narc....the man I love? This has been torture from the beginning!!! What the fuck is wrong with me? I really think I'm just a drama junkie with a thing for emotional absue. But looking back at all of this has been good for me overall. I think I feel the first little spark of starting to get over this...

-An ever so obsessed Hyde-

Time Off

Last night I feel like I hit a low. I fought off depression all day, but didn't know what to do with myself and I ended up at Manchester, drinking from around 5:00 to 9:00 last night. I was just sinking lower and lower and felt like I needed to escape in the most desperate way. I can't believe that Narc has me thinking quasi-suicidal thoughts. He's not worth it, and I need to hold on to that and really make some kind of change. I can't let my emotions and my hyper-romantic fantasies get the best of me. I'm not that foolish underneath it all.

My first order of business--stay off alcohol until the worst of this Narc-mourning has passed. I clearly can't handle a combination of the two. My second order of business--get out of my own head. I'm going to try to be really task oriented and not so self-reflective. As such, I may take a few days off from blogging. Just wanted to let you guys know where I went, so you wouldn't be worried that I last blogged about being all depressed and then disappeared.

I'm going to focus on a few goals:

1.) get my health back in order--take my medications, eat better and exercise 1/2 hour a day
2.) clean my house little by little and throw a lot of things out (1/2 hour a day)
3.) put in at least two hours a day towards my incompletes
4.) put in 1/2 hour to an hour a day towards my job search
5.) when I get the nerve up, erase the thirty somewhat messages I have saved from Narc (along with at least some of the dozens of scraps of paper, bar-napkins, matchbooks, ticket stubs and other junk I have saved for our "relationship archives").

That's it for now...

One day at a time, right?

Obsession: The Curse of the Blog

This blog has become a curse. How so? Well, it allows an obsessive girl with a broken heart to maniacally read back over EVERY DETAIL of every conversation and every encounter that Narc and I have ever had since Christmas. That was his first appearance on this blog--Christmas. We were broken up at the time (kind of a strange concept for two people whom he claims were never "together,") and I texted him "Merry Christmas" because I knew he was alone for the holiday. B called me "hapless," but Hammer commented that communications had improved after the 20th and that the guy was downright sweet to me. (Do you remember that, Hammer?) Then there was that flood of communication and time spent in January, during which we were "reestablished." On January 22nd he told me that he "adores me" and on January 31st he said that he "loves me" (for the first time since we split in December). Of course, you all know that things started to go sour in February. Even still, the only weeks we had absolutely NO contact were the first two weeks in April. Strange, right?

I can't help but think about all this. I wonder what would have happened if I had handled things differently on Thursday night. What would have happened if I had gone to meet him at Cheers when he was there waiting? Or what if I had called him and said that I was having dinner with friends (which I was) but that I would meet him later? Why did I have to attack him and confront him with my anger? What if I had just held it in and then at a more appropriate moment told him that he had hurt my feelings? Or what if I had just accepted him for who he is and not complained about things at all? Then maybe I wouldn't feel like everything were collapsing on me... closing in around me. The whole fucking world is collapsing and I can't breathe.

And what if I were to call him now (or soon) and apologize? Would he still refuse to talk to me? Should I not be thinking this way? Is it better that he told me never to speak to him again? (As an aside, it's kind of interesting-- he didn't say that he wasn't speaking to me, rather he told me not to speak to him. Even til the end, he's still giving me orders, but he's free to contact me as he chooses!) I can't stand this though. It's the last thing I think about as I fall asleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I feel nauseated all the time. I couldn't even go out partying this weekend. I just didn't have it in me to smile or socialize.

So what did I do?

For the rest of Friday (recovering from a hangover, and reeling from his text), I spent the day in misery. I felt like my head was spinning and like I said, the whole world was crashing down. I spoke to Hammer for a little while which helped restore a degree of normalcy. Sometimes I feel like I'm just losing perspective altogether--losing my fucking mind. I was sad, sad, sad. I was also exhausted, as I had only slept three or four hours the night before and the fighting with Narc caused a lot of emotional stress.

I took a nap from around 5:00-7:00, and when I woke up, set about getting something for dinner. I made myself get dressed and went across the street to the market to buy spaghetti and strawberries (for which I had a craving). While over there, I bought Toblerone chocolates for NDN and Oc (he prefers "Oc" to "Tav," so I'm changing the name back), just to thank them for helping me stick it out Thursday night and for being good friends. Also, I feel something strange coming over me. If I don't have Narc to spoil and to do things for, my "nurturing" instincts are going to have to come out in other ways. I need someone to spoil. Last night NDN, Oc and I were having dinner, and NDN commented when I got up to get everyone tea, etc. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's get back to Friday.

I ate my spaghetti dinner and watched Point Break which I had rented on Netflix because back in March, Narc had wanted to watch it with me. (It was the first time I had seen him since our February "breakup." I had sex with him, but refused to sleep over and he was mad at me for it.) I found the film entertaining, but ultimately, not that great. Later, the boys from next door came over to hang out. I was home being morose, chain smoking with the Christmas lights on and listening to my Aria CD. Honestly, I was wiped out from crying and throwing up all afternoon. The food had done a little to fortify me, but I really need to learn how to get my emotions more in check!

NDN had ruined his ex-girlfriend's grandmother's tables (which she left in his apartment) with a little too much partying (mostly cause by the hot coals from the hookah), and had gone to price the repairs. The repair man was a strange Russian who hates liberals. I showed Oc my blog and he enjoyed reading it, laughing that he was "that guy"--the one who strums the guitar and makes "rhyming commentary on life."

NDN and Oc had been discussing the term "Schadenfreude" and it became a conversational key point of the night. Oc took to playing some chords on the piano and wailing out a catchy little chorus about "Schadenfreude." Then, each of us would take a verse, giving an example of when we took "joy" in someone else's pain. I tried to be "Schadenfreude" about Narc, but I couldn't. I really do just want him to be happy. Later, Oc went next door to get my guitar which I had left over there. He showed up at the door as a "wandering minstrel." It got the three of us laughing.
NDN made us mate and Oc and I smoked a lot. He's trying to quit and NDN has been working really hard to get him off the cigarettes, but I told them that my house is a "den of sin," and that anything goes. All vices are celebrated. (That way, I don't have to feel as bad about my own!) NDN invited me to join them on some Latin club/party cruise that they had planned for Saturday night. He texted his friend to ask if they could get me in, but the event was already sold out. Just as well. I wasn't really up for it.

Of course, we talked for a while about me and Narc, as it's virtually the only thing on my mind. The boys went home at around 2:00 am. I had only had one whiskey or so, and decided against drinking more (I desperately need to avoid drunk-dialing). Eventually, I just collapsed into sleep.

On Saturday morning my stepfather arrived at around 10:45 to pick me up for stonecarving. He was cranky about being in the city and about losing a day of work around the house. As we were driving up to the church he kept complaining about the city in general, pointing out how many confusing traffic signs there are and grumbling about how there are just too many people here.

"It's ridiculous!" he exclaimed. "They should make a rule about who can come here and when. It's not natural for there to be this much..."

I didn't bother trying to defend the city, or the concept of "cities" in general. He's a farm boy at heart, and I knew I would never get anywhere with it.

We ended up getting there early, and he was hungry, so we got lunch at a deli across the street. The Cathedral of St. John the Divine is right in the neighborhood where I did my undergraduate work, and my stepfather laughed because he hasn't been there since those torturous days he helped me move from dorm to dorm. After lunch we wandered around the Cathedral for a while, taking it in. Like I said back in May, it's one of my favorite places in the city, but ever since it was damaged in that huge fire back in 2001, it depresses me. There used to be a glorious altar, but now it is covered by a stark sheet or some kind of board. Because the church is dimly lit, and there's no light coming from behind the altar, the board looks black and it creeps me out. It gives off an undeniable message of "anti-meaning," if that makes any sense. It left me feeling empty, and I still couldn't get the Narc-nausea to subside.

Anyway, at around 12:30, the stonecarver came to pick us up and led us to an enormous outdoor tented workspace adjacent to the cathedral. It was filled with the dust of rocks and hundreds of odd figures shaped in stone. He began the class by showing us the three primary tools that we would be using (the point, the claw and the straight chisel). Then he showed us the basics--how to break away at the stone with a hammer and chisel. It's the same techniques that have been used since the Middle Ages, and let me just say this--now I fully understand why it takes around 1000 years to build a Cathedral!

We each were given a chunk of limestone (which is heavy as hell!) and were told to draw some kind of simple design for a relief carving. I chose a fish, as the shape is simple and it reflects my obsession with the sea. (Some of you may not know that I think I used to be a mermaid in my former life, and two of my three tattoos are sea related--one of two fish linked together and another of a mermaid, both on my right ankle.) My stepfather chose a more complicated leaf design. For the next 4-5 hours we stood there swinging our hammers at the stone. It was fucking hard! There were chips of stone flying everywhere--down my shirt, in my hair and everywhere in between. My clothes and hands were covered in white chalky dust. Raising the image out of the stone was hard enough, but what was to come next was even harder. We had to conceptualize its three dimensional shape and sculpt it by cutting away at our original design. When I finished, my arm was aching, one of my fingers had been crushed by the hammer, I was sweating and tired, and I had a carved fish that looked like a third grader could have modeled it out of clay. All in all, though, I was proud of my work. My stepfather had a great time. I've rarely seen him happy and relaxed like that if he's not watching baseball or puttering around his garden. He didn't finish his piece since his was larger and more ambitious, but he seemed to be pleased with himself nonetheless. At around 5:15, we lugged our stones back to where his car was parked and he drove me home.

The stonecarving (and hammering) had been good for getting my mind off Narc. I had hardly thought about him all day (except to be ultra-aware that he was off somewhere white water rafting). Once back home, though, that feeling of sickness returned to tie the pit of my stomach into an enormous knot. I showered, as I was covered in stone-dust and then watched TV for a little while, trying to gear myself up to get out of the house. I applied my makeup carefully and changed my clothes for a night on the town. NDN stopped by and asked if I wanted to go with him and Oc for dinner. I agreed.

Before the dinner, though, I lost momentum. I changed out of my "going out" outfit and back into a t-shirt and jeans. I just had no energy for it. Besides, where would I go? We left for dinner at around 9:00. NDN and I shared the Peking Duck. After dinner we came back to our apartments and NDN and Oc changed for the party. NDN modeled some outfits for us (and momentarily considered accessorizing with my pearls. ;-> ) I took off my makeup, obsessively backread my blog, smoked and contemplated what to do with myself for the night.

Any energy I might have had began to fizzle. I just wanted to get into bed and cry, which I eventually did. I ended up crying myself to sleep during Saturday Night Live.

I wonder if Narc is as miserable as I am. Probably not. He's probably still furious with me. He's probably busy being all self-righteous, constructing some narrative in which I am irrational and hysterical and make unreasonable demands while he's been clear "all along" that we're "not in a relationship," and he just doesn't understand why I don't get that. Well, I've tried to represent things as honestly as possible. Has it been clear to any of you? Certainly not to me!

I don't think he's going to start missing me at least for another week. He'll stay angry for a while and then lose himself in his work (once he gets his computer back), but he still won't feel the loss that badly. Eventually he'll start to feel it, but it will be masked by his anger and he'll call it "depression" and deny that it has anything to do with me. I honestly don't think he's ever going to call me again unless I make contact first and show some sign of remorse. He has to act as if he's the one in control, and unless I break first, he'll never cave. Part of me wants to. Part of me wants to wait a week and then send him a text saying something like:

"I hope you didn't mean what you said, but I'll assume that you did. Sorry for everything, and good luck."

I know him. He wouldn't write back right away. He'd wait another week or two, but it would have been just enough to give him permission. The thought would be back in his head, and then one night when he's drunk, he would cave and call. Part of me wants to do that so badly, but then I stop and think, "What's the point?" I can't handle this "non-relationship" thing anymore, and that's exactly what I'd be getting.

I can't live with the fact that he's disappeared though. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just want to vegetate with the television and pretend that I'm not here anymore. But I can't let myself do that either... C'mon, Hyde! You can't give into that! I have to fight it with everything in me.

Today I'm going to try to clean my house. It has become a pig-sty over the past week or so and I think it'll make me feel better to do it.

God, though... I still love him. It feels even stronger now, like there's some kind of psychic backlash thrashing against the idea of letting him go for good. Something inside me is screaming at me to hold on to it. I'm trying not to listen, but it's such a fucking powerful force that it's nearly impossible. I'm exhausted and sick from fighting myself on this one...

Just now, as I was writing this blog, my grandma called from Jerusalem. I haven't seen her in 7 years. She hardly speaks English. She always cries when she hears my voice and talks about my dad. She just told me that my dad loved all three of his children but told her that "Hyde has a special sensitive heart." I don't know why, but that just made me cry. I feel so guilty that we haven't seen her in so long. She's getting old. She asked me if I was getting married yet and I told her "no." She asked me if my sister was pregnant yet, and I told her "no." She sounded disappointed. She said she wants another one of my dad. I can't imagine what she went through losing her son, and all of a sudden I feel like a bad granddaughter.

Anyway, I need to do something with myself today. Maybe all of this isolation is bad for me. I think I'll try to go call a friend. Just find someone, anyone to get me outside of all this for just a moment or two.

I wonder how much time it's gonna take to heal.

(It's time for all my enemies (if I have any) to have some Schadenfreude.)

The Text

Sent: 1:41 PM
From: Narc
To: Hyde

I am awake now, and we'll keep this simple: do not speak to me ever again.

The Reply:

There was none. But I've been home crying, vomiting, sleeping and smoking cigarettes all day. I hope I can get my shit together tomorrow.

In terms of Narc, I don't care what has happened. I still love him and I know that he loves me, even if it will never work for us to be together.

Tomorrow I'm spending the day with my stepfather. He builds houses and always wanted to learn how to carve stone. I bought him a one-day stonecarving workshop with the master stonecarver at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. I bought myself a place in the workshop too, so all day tomorrow, it will be Hyde, a bunch of sharp instruments and a block of limestone.

It'll probably be good for me. But damn, does this hurt right now... I just feel sick. I hope I can sleep tonight.

The Non-Relationship

Well, here I am insanely hurting again. Crying and such. Just got off the phone with B who called me "pathetic" and told me that he doesn't believe I'm ready for change. I started to cry and he asked me "what I want from him."

"Just to be loved."

"No. You want to be loved only in the way YOU want to be loved," he said.

I cried again. (Doesn't everybody?)

"I can't fucking take this right now," I said.

Is anyone noticing a pattern here? Why am I crying every fucking day?

I'm still drunk and in the most god awful way. I have a pounding headache and it's almost noon. What happened? Here's the story:

Yesterday I spent the day indeed pathetically depressed. I didn't leave my house at all. My computer crashed, as in the entire hardrive is fucked up, and there's probably nothing I can do about it. I tried to get myself into better spirits at around 6:00. I bought two big cans of beer and a pack of cigarettes and went to go sit on the roof. I just hung out up there for a while thinking. When NDN got home from work around 7:30 he came up there to meet me.

We decided to go for a walk and set off up 1st avenue. We ended up walking across the 59th street Bridge (something I haven't done since 9/11!). Then we walked home down 2nd Avenue. NDN invited me over for dinner with him and Oc (whose name shall from here on in will be changed to "Tav,") and so we stopped at the supermarket for some supplies. We picked up some booze and groceries and took off for home.

Back at his place, NDN cooked us dinner and I hung out with him and Tav. Of course, we got on the topic of sex, and I learned some very interesting things from the boys. For example, they told me that most girls "don't swallow," (really?) and about strange acts like "the Bismarck." We had fun. Towards the beginning of our little dinner party I got a phone call from Narc. He said that he was in the East Village reading and drinking martinis and asked if I wanted to join him. I didn't pick up the phone, but rather, let it go to voice mail. The boys encouraged me not to pick up, and I was proud of myself.

We drank a lot and NDN got high off of a cigarette. Tav was strumming the guitar the whole time and making rhyming commentary on our lives. After dinner I sang a few songs--two arias, my masochist song, and "Cry Me a River."

At 11:47 I got a text from Narc:
At Cheers.

I went into a slight panic. Why was he there? BarMan had told me not to come back there with him! I couldn't believe he was just a few feet from my house. I hoped that there wouldn't be any kind of awful confrontation there. The boys encouraged me to stay calm and ignore it, and for the most part, I did.

NDN went to bed at some point and Tav and I stayed up for a while talking. In the middle of all that, Narc texted me again:
Going to do a duet, "One" by U2.

Again, I didn't reply. It was killing me though, you guys. I had to practically sit on my hands. I was strong though, and I have to say I was proud of myself.

Finally, at 1:32, my phone rang again. It was Narc, and again I ignored it. He left me a message basically saying that he had waited for me at Cheers for a few hours, but that he was heading back to Tribeca. Fine.

Tav was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I had consumed just the right amount of alcohol to rev me up, so I didn't think I would be able to sleep, but came back to my house to try. I didn't stay for long though. Instead, at around 2:00, I headed out to Cheers.

Once there, I sat at the end of the bar and downed 4 or 5 whiskeys as fast as I could. (Don't know why.) MarriedGuy was there, and I talked to him for a few seconds. Weird. ThursdayGirl came over and gave me a big hug. It made me feel like there's been gossip about me, and that she had some reason to pity me. Maybe I'm just paranoid. IrishBird told me that Narc had been there.

"He's a real asshole," she said.

"Why? Did he do anything?" I asked, "Did anything happen?"

"No, he's just an asshole."

I was worried. That didn't sound good.

At around 3:45 Cheers was closing, and my phone rang again. Yup. It was Narc. This time, I was drunk enough to pick up.

"Where have you been all night?" he asked.

"I was home," I said. "I just ignored your calls."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I'm pissed off at you!"

"Why are you pissed at me?"

"Because you fucking kicked me out of your house for the Exhibitionist!"

"What? I'm not going to discuss this with you on the phone, Hyde. Just get down here. I'm at the Tavern."

"Fine." (I guess I'm used to doing what he says.)

I came back to my house and drunkenly tried to shave my legs. Not a good idea. Now I have a big gash on the back of my calf to go with all my other injuries! I packed a bag, hopped a cab and was off.

When I got to the Tavern I was drunk beyond belief. I remember having trouble finding it, and having trouble focusing my eyes. It was after 4:30, and they had already done last call, but the bartender served me one anyway. It was the same guy who had been there on Sunday. I didn't waste any time before telling Narc that I was upset. I had no room for nicities... Not after how I'd been feeling. I really don't remember much of our conversation there because I was too drunk.

What DO I remember? When we got up to leave, Narc was walking way too fast for me to keep up.

"I had a really great time waiting for you all fucking night at Cheers," he said. He was angry. Really angry.

"I never said I would meet you there."

"Fuck that, Hyde! I don't even WANT to know what you tell them about me!" he said. (I wondered if anyone had said anything rude to him.)

"What I tell them about you?" I asked. "What would I tell them about you? That I love you?"

"You don't love me."

He rushed on ahead. I couldn't keep up.

"Please don't leave me here out on the street again!" I implored him. "I'm too drunk, and it's late, and I can never find my way around here."

"You can find a cab, if that's what you want," he said.

"It's NOT what I want!"

I had to run to catch up with him. (Not an easy thing to do at my level of intoxication!) When I did catch up with him, I tried to explain what I had done by telling him how bad I felt about the whole Exhibitionist thing again.

"I can't believe you kicked me out!" I said. "You kicked me out! I've never done that to you Narc... not ever!"

"Whatever! I told you that Exhibitionist didn't have a place to stay. I told you that I didn't want her to be homeless."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense," I said. " She could have come over, and you didn't have to kick me out. We could have both been there."

"No," he said. "You don't understand how it is."

"Oh? How is it?"

"It's just a really delicate situation with her."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, she's going through issues," he said. "She had to talk to me about stuff. It's none of your fucking business."

"That's BULLSHIT! And besides, even if that were true, you could have apoligized to me and explained it to me that night."

At that point, we were already back in his apartment. He poured me a glass of wine. (That's all that we needed, right? More alcohol.)

"Hyde, this is fucking insane," he said. "We are not in a relationship. Do you fucking hear me? WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!" He was yelling at me now.

"I don't see how you can say that."

"Like last Friday in the sushi place," he began, "you were being all physical and couple-y with me. But we're NOT together!"

"You're going to say that after what happened on Thursday night that I shouldn't have been physical with you? You told me you loved me over and over and fucked me for two days, but I'm not supposed to touch you in public? What about everything that you've said, then?" I asked. "Come on, Narc! We've been at this for a whole fucking year! What about all of the times you've said that you love me? Since OCTOBER? What about the fact that we've spent 20 of the past 30 days together? You spend time with me, you 'love me' and you're fucking me, but we're 'not in a relationship.' You're fucking CRAZY. What does 'relationship' even MEAN to you?"

"It doesn't matter. I TOLD you I don't want a relationship, so we're not in one. That's the bottom line."

"Whatever..." (He was right, and so there was nothing I could say to that.)

At that point, I remember Narc was standing in the kitchen. I was sitting on his couch.

"Fuck it, Hyde," he said. "At this point, I feel like we're an old married couple."

"Not such a bad thing," I said.

"No, it IS a bad thing. I don't even want to have sex with you right now."

Now I was getting really upset.

"You don't want to have sex with me?"

"No, I don't."

"Then why am I even here?" I demanded. "You're not my friend, we're not in a relationship, and now you don't even want to fuck me. What's the point of all this? Why am I going through this with you? Why the hell am I HERE?"

"So, leave then." He calmly gestured to the door.

"Are you asking me to leave? Now? At 5:30 in the morning, completely drunk?"

"So don't leave, whatever. I just don't want to see you right now." Narc was shutting down.

"Fine. I'll go to sleep on the couch."

And with that, I flopped back onto the pillow right where I was sitting and closed my eyes. Narc stood there looking at me for a moment.

"Don't sleep on the couch. That's ghetto," he said. "Just come in the bedroom with me."

He started to walk into the other room and I stood up to follow him.

"We're not having sex though," he said.

"Believe me, you don't have to tell me that twice," I answered. "I'm not exactly all into you right now either."

I got into his bed, but moved my body as close to the edge as possible, far away from him and fully clothed, of course. Narc followed me, and climbed on top of me. His whole body was over me, and he stared at me for a moment. Then he yanked off my pants.

"What are you doing?"

"I want you naked," he said.

I raised up my arms for him and he took off my shirt. (Again, I guess I'm good at following instructions.)

"I thought we weren't having sex," I said.

"We're not."

He pulled me in close to him and just held me. It felt so good and so bad at the same time. I was asleep within minutes.

This morning, when I opened my eyes, my head was pounding beyond belief. I had no idea what time it was and I was disoriented. It took me a moment to remember where I was. I usually don't get such bad hangovers, but I must have drank more than usual. (I need to take some time off from the booze starting now.) Anyway, I pulled on my clothes and got a glass of water. Then I collapsed back into bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up again, I was flooded with bad feelings. Everything from the night before came back.

I just can't do this on his terms anymore. I mean, if we're together, we have to be in a "realtionship." Anything else would be a joke and a lie. It's clear he doesn't want that, and it's clear that I can't accept anything less at this point. I just can't. And so I felt sick this morning to know that unless he undergoes some radical change (which is not gonna happen), it has to be over.

I got out of bed and washed my face. I didn't even bother brushing my hair or anything. I just wanted to get out of there before I lost my resolve. I felt like it might be the last time I see him, and that is impossibly hard for me. Thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. I went back into the bedroom and stood over him watching him for a moment. I wanted so badly to love him.

"Narc, I'm going," I said.

"Huh?" He rolled over sleepily and opened his eyes.

"I'm going. I'm taking off."

"Okay," he said.

"See you around, Narc."

And with that I left.

On my way out, I talked to NDN on the phone for a few minutes and then to B. Like I said, the conversation with B left me in tears, but in the middle of writing this post he called me back and we talked it through so I feel a little better.

Honestly, you guys, I'm just so fucking exhausted. Part of me wonders if I'll ever hear from Narc again. The other part of me tells me that I shouldn't care. In either case, I can't continue this unless he offers me a lot more, and he made it abundantly clear last night that he doesn't want to.

Point well taken.

-hyde

The Shock

Okay, here's the rest of my story... I've been so totally depressed for the past day or so, because I think I know what I have to do. I think it's time to try to ditch this whole Narc thing (again!) even though I don't entirely want to do it, and even though I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it. I hate hate HATE this, but he really doesn't leave me much of a choice. I mean, I really don't want to end it, but I'm beginning to realize that half the pleasure of the relationship for me is a purely masochistic pleasure, and that sort of thing can only get worse if I continue to indulge it.

So, let's just pick up where we left off:

On Sunday night, I got back from Long Island and was hanging out at home when I received that text from Narc. I called him back at around 10:00 pm to find out what he was doing. He told me that he was "laying around contemplating his naval."

"Do you want to hang out?" I asked, "Or are you in for the night?"

"No, I think I should get out of the house," he said. "How about Yaffas?"

I told him that I'd be there in half an hour, packed my bags and headed out. On the way out, I bumped into NDN in the lobby and we sat and talked for a little while. After that I set off for downtown.

When I got to Yaffas it was a little awkward, as always. There are always strangely long gaps in our conversation and physical tension between us when we first meet. I'm never quite sure how close to him I'm supposed to be. Then again, after we have a few drinks in each of us, all of that disappears. So, once again, we warmed up to each other and began to talk about a million and one things--taking acid, Narc's lemonade fast, the advertising industry and reality TV. Narc said that he had seen a proposal for a "cool" reality show in which some hot guy seduces women, sleeps with them and then horribly dumps them on screen.

"Don't you think that's kind of cruel?" I pointed out. "I mean, what have those women done to deserve that?"

"Oh, c'mon," he said. "They deserve it. It's payback for all of the awful shit that women do to men."

"Like what?" I asked.

"It's obvious. All women just use men," he said. "They're all materialistic and they don't care. They don't want to understand men. They seduce and dump...and enjoy it."

"Not all women are like that," I said. "There are a lot of women who care, you know."

"I don't think so."

"So you're just a misogynist then?" I asked. "You think women are 'evil' and out to get men? All of them? They're all bad?"

"Well, I've never met any who would prove otherwise."

I couldn't believe how this conversation was going. I've never heard anyone openly admit to being a misogynist!

"Well, what about me, Narc?" I raised my eyebrows. "Do you think I'm like that?"

He hesitated.

"Well, you haven't done anything yet, but I'm sure that you will. I mean, I'm sure you're the same as all the rest."

What????

"So, what, Narc? I just haven't shown my 'true colors' yet?"

"Yeah, you could say that..."

Fucking unbelievable. All I've done is be sweet to him.

"Narc, that's ridiculous," I said. "It's obvious why you don't trust people when you just stuff people into flat categories. So, for you women are just symbols? Not real three dimensional people? Damn it... I can't believe that after all this time, and especially Thursday, that you still don't see me!"

"What do you want from me, Hyde?" he asked.

"I don't know..." I felt defeated. "Just for you to see who I am and for you to be happy."

"Yeah, well, I want to be happy too," he said.

At that point, it was about 2:00 am and I'd say we were each at least six or seven drinks in. Narc was drinking doubles, so I don't even know how much he had. We decided to move over to the Tavern where he always hangs out. (I guess it's his Cheers). On the walk over there he held my hand. We talked again about happiness. Narc always wants to direct and control his life. Again, I told him that I think he'd be happier if he could accept some parameters and find happiness within them. He told me that he thinks that's "weakness." (I guess we're just really different like that.)

When we got to the Tavern, I went to take his hand again but he pushed me away and it hurt my feelings. I didn't say anything though. Narc knew the bartender and I introduced myself. He said that we had met before.

"Oh, really? When was that?" I asked.

"The night that you met Narc and CouchSleeper here," he said. "You were sitting there," he gestured to the other end of the bar. (I think that was around May 14th--right after I dyed my hair black).

Narc was over at the jukebox and I went to talk to him. I kind of leaned against him, and he pushed me away again. What the fuck?

"What's going on, Narc? Why are you rejecting me?" I asked him flat out.

"I'm not," he said. "Come here." Then he gave me a huge hug.

I'll never understand that man. I think I should just give up trying.

As it was super late and a Sunday night, I was the only women in the bar. There was a group of Australian men there and a guy from Maine. We were all kind of chatting. It was easy to make conversation and they all seemed to want to talk to me. Narc seemed a little jealous and moody, but there was no reason for that. I never left my seat by his side.

The bartender made us all small pizzas. I was confused. I didn't even know they served food, but it was after 3:00 am and I was drunk at that point, so I just accepted it. Silverado was playing on TV. Narc and I talked about movies for a while. Then he wanted me to sing something. He told the bartender that I sing opera and that was doing my PhD. He seemed proud of me and I thought it was sweet.

We left the bar at around 4:30 or 5:00 am. On the way home, he complained that the Australians had been talking to me too much. He repeated that I was the "same" as all women. I told him not to insult me, that I wasn't interested in them, and that they weren't interested in me. He didn't reply.

"Don't say that about me, anyway," I said. "It makes me feel just awful."

He stopped and stared at me coldly. "You have no fucking idea what awful is!"

It scared me the way he said that, and I didn't know what he meant, so I didn't say anything.

"You know what we need?" he asked.

"What?"

"Champagne."

"Where are we going to get Champagne at 5:00 am on a Sunday night?" I asked.

"There's a 24 hour place near me," he said. "Come on..."

We stopped over at the deli that oddly carries champagne and I went to the back of the store to look for Doriotos. Narc couldn't find me and called my name.

Back at his place we downed the entire bottle of champagne (on top of the 10-12 drinks each we had already polished off). Then we screwed around for a while before finally falling asleep at about 6:30 am. The next day we didn't wake up until 4:00 in the afternoon! He is such an "aristocrat!" I can't afford to get sucked into a lifestyle like that.

The next day we woke up and watched TV. I had had tentative plans to meet B for coffee that morning, but obviously didn't get in touch with him, as I had slept the day away. When I woke up, I had a testy voice mail from B and two texts, so I called him back. He was pissed off.

"This isn't the first time you've done this, Hyde, and it's always when your with Narc!" he said.

"I'm so sorry, B," I said. "I didn't mean to be a bad friend, it's just--"

"Whatever. It was a shitty thing to do, and I am mad at you for it."

I just have no strength these days. I started to cry a little. Narc looked alarmed. B and I hung up the phone and I wiped away my tears.

"What's up?" Narc asked.

"Nothing. It's just B. He's mad that I didn't meet him today."

"Fuck that!" Narc said. "What's his problem? I've been blown off a million times."

"I know, but I'm usually not like that," I said. "It's just me and him, well... Don't worry about it."

A minute or so later, B called back. I picked up the phone and walked into the bathroom. Again, B and I got into it and I started to cry and apologize.

"Just please don't be mad at me," I pleaded. "Just don't be mad at me right now."

Narc came into the bathroom and tried to grab the phone out of my hand.

"Hang up the phone," he demanded.

I gave him a beseeching look, as if to ask him for another minute.

"No. Hang up the fucking phone right now!"

He tried again to take it from my hand. I pulled away.

"Look, B, I really have to go."

"Oh, so you don't want to talk to me all of a sudden?" he demanded.

"It's not that. I just don't want to cry anymore right now."

"Fine. Goodbye."

After we hung up, Narc just went back over to the couch and sat down. I joined him there and we spent the rest of the afternoon having sex and watching TV. We watched School of Rock, and later Hammer called and I talked to her for a few minutes.

At about 7:00, Narc suggested that we get out of the house.

"We should go down to Battery Park and watch the sunset," he said. "Then, I know a good noodle place over there, or we can come back up here to Mocca for dinner and Martinis."

"Sounds good," I said. "Let me just get dressed."

We set off for the river, and the sunset was absolutely amazing. It was strange though, it made both of us pensive, both of us retreating into our inner worlds. I didn't feel like it was something we were sharing with each other. We walked along the water until we got to the Winter Garden, and then we swung around and walked along the other side, closer to the World Trade Center. While we were waiting at the light to cross the highway, his phone rang.

"It's the Exhibitionist," he said. "Hold on a sec."

I totally overheard their conversation since he was having it right in front of me. Basically, here's what transpired:

She must have asked him what he was up to.

"Oh, I'm not doing much," he said. "I'm just taking a walk and watching the sunset."

He didn't mention at ALL that he was with someone. What??? Do I not exist?

Apparently, the Exhibitionist had been on a road trip and had planned to be out of town for two weeks. (Earlier, Narc told me that she had asked him to go along, but that he said no). She came back really early but had given up her apartment so she had to stay with friends. That night, she was planning to stay with a friend up in Harlem.

"Harlem?" he asked. "That can't be the greatest. You can always stay with me. My couch is totally available for as long as you want it."

She must have said that she would stay with her friend anyway.

"No, it's totally not a big deal," he said. "You can come on down now if you like."

What??? Was he inviting her over?

When he hung up the phone, he didn't say anything to me. We crossed the street together. I waited for him to explain.

"So... The Exhibitionist is coming over," he said. "You know... I just didn't want her to be homeless or anything."

I didn't answer. Obviously she wasn't homeless. I had heard the whole bit about her having a place to stay in Harlem. Was he going to kick me out? I felt like I was going to throw up. As we walked back towards his place I was silent. I just waited.

"Do you still have any stuff left at my place?" he asked.

What??? I couldn't fucking believe this was happening. I was being kicked out for another girl!

"Um, yeah. I left everything there," I said.

I was radiating negativity. Even though I was silent, I'm sure he knew I was upset. Plus, he has to know he was being an asshole. No one can be that much of an idiot.

"Well, you don't mind, right?" he asked me. "I mean, you have a lot of work to do anyway."

Again, I didn't answer. I just felt sick and completely numb. I felt myself just slipping further and further into my own head. He seemed a million miles away from me. Everything did. Even the sounds of the traffic seemed to echo as if it were all down at the end of a tremendous hallway. Narc started chattering to me about something, but I have no idea what. He was acting as if everything were completely normal.

When we got back to his place I depressedly began to pack my things. I called NDN and told him that I would give him a call on my way back uptown. Narc started tidying the apartment. Neither of us said a word. Then, a few minutes later, the Exhibitionist called again. Again, I heard their conversation spoken right in front of me.

Basically, she told him that she wasn't going to come down after all, but that she would stay with her friend that night. She told him that they were planning on going to the beach the next morning and asked him if he wanted to come. He agreed. Again, he repeated his offer to let her stay at his place.

"You can come stay for a few days this week," he said. "I'm not doing anything because my computer's still not fixed."

When he hung up the phone he looked at me.

"Well, it looks like the Exhibitionist isn't coming."

"Oh."

I continued to pack my things.

"So... Well.... So, you don't have to go then. I mean, why don't you stay and hang out. We can get dinner," he suggested.

What the fuck? There was a voice screaming inside my head.

"What the hell is wrong with you Narc? Do you really think you can treat me like that and I'll stay? Leave, Hyde! Get the fuck out of here and leave him alone. Let him spend the night alone. Let him be all alone right now."

I really felt like I couldn't breathe.

"I don't know Narc," I said weakly. "I probably should go."

"No, just stay and have dinner. C'mon. Why not?"

"I don't know."

I sat down on the couch. I felt like I was going to cry, but I also felt too numb to cry if that makes any sense.

"I just can't think straight right now," I said.

He gave me a look like I was just being a strange moody woman who didn't make much sense. I took out my journal and started to write.

"What do you want for dinner?" He asked. He spread the take-out menus out on the table in front of me.

"I don't care," I mumbled. I continued to scribble in my journal.

"Okay, I'll pick," he said. "I'll give you a minute to write."

I felt dizzy and flushed and my feet were tingling. I still felt like my chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I KNEW I should leave, but I felt trapped. I felt magnetically attached to the couch, and like I was complete garbage. I didn't even exist. I mean, if he and the Exhibitionist are really "just friends," as he says, then why couldn't I stay and hang out even if she came over? He's met a bunch of my friends... Why didn't he tell her that he was busy that night or that I was with him? It just hurt so badly.

It's then that I realized what I am to him... I'm a time filler. The one thing Narc has an endless supply of is time. And he hasn't had anyone to hang out with lately... CouchSleeper was in Ireland for a month, and his friend James just had a kid. Narc is perfectly happy to spend time with me until a "better" offer comes along. Is that how he feels about me in general? My head was killing me and I kept screaming at myself to leave, but I didn't. I just sat there, and that's how all of this is my fault.

Finally, the food arrived and we ate dinner. I started to block out what had happened and it seemed like things were back to normal. But I never entirely got the knot out of my stomach. Later I gave him two blow jobs and felt like shit about it after. Oh well... We were both tired because of the late night the night before, so we were in bed and asleep by 1:00 am.

The next morning, Narc got out of bed at 11:00. His movement woke me up and I looked at my watch. He rushed into the kitchen and checked his cell phone. The Exhibitionist had said she would call around 8:00 am but we hadn't heard the phone. He was checking his messages in the other room and I heard him call her back.

"You were supposed to call my land-line," he said. "The cell was in the other room."

I guess she hadn't left for the beach, because I heard him tell her it was okay to come down. I was still laying in bed, and he came back into the bedroom.

"So, Exhibitionist is coming over here," he said. "Do you want to shower first, or should I?"

"You go," I said. "I'll just shower when I get home." Again, I started to feel sick.

Narc went into the shower and I closed my eyes. When he came out, I pretended to have fallen back asleep.

"Up! Up! Up!" he said, pulling open the blinds to let the sun in. "You've got a lot of work to do today, remember?"

I didn't say anything, but slowly got out of bed and pulled on my clothes. (Meanwhile, I've NEVER kicked him out of my house, even on days I had to leave to go teach!) I proceeded to take as long as possible to get dressed. Narc ran about tidying the apartment again, still in his bathrobe. I slowly put on my makeup and carefully did my hair. I wanted take a long time so that I would still be there when the Exhibitionist arrived. I wanted to see what would happen. Narc had plenty of time to get dressed, but he didn't. Finally, the doorbell rang. I was packing up the last few things into my bag.

Narc went over to the door, and I heard a female voice.

"Always in your bathrobe," she said.

When she came into the apartment, she was surprised to see me there.

"Oh! Hi."

I introduced myself.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she said.

"Oh, no..." Narc insisted.

"No," I said. "I was just going anyway."

"Do I know you from somewhere?" she asked. "You look so familiar."

"I don't think so."

"No, you don't," Narc said.

"Oh, well maybe it's just from Narc's pictures."

"No," he interjected. "Hyde doesn't like to be photographed."

(That's because I wouldn't let him photograph me naked. Something I still consider to be a rather wise decision!)

"Anyway, I should go," I said, gathering up my things.

"I really hope I'm not interrupting." She put her bags down. She obviously was set to spend a few days there.

Narc walked me to the door. I wondered if he was going to kiss me goodbye. I kind of leaned in for a kiss and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"All right, hon," he said. "I'll talk to you soon."

As I walked out, I heard the Exhibitionist saying that she was going to brush her teeth.

My head was spinning. I got back to my place at around noon and wrote my "Getting Weary" post. I just felt awful for the rest of the day. I didn't know what to think or how I would get through it. I didn't eat anything the entire day but around 5:00 I started to feel dizzy. I figured I should go find some food. I went to Cheers and drank whiskey with my dinner.

Two hours later I had finished about five whiskeys. IrishBird showed up for work at 7:00 and we talked for a few minutes. She commented on my eye which was still looking bruised. (It looks a million times better now, by the way). I needed to get out of there.

A friend of a friend of mine is a composer and was giving a concert in a cafe down in the West Village that night. I thought it might be good for me to get out and go, so I asked Bezoukhoff if he wanted to come along. I met him at my place at around 7:30 and we headed downtown.

The concert was good. I mean, the music was a little flaky, but it was calming and moody and nice because I was depressed. I sent Narc a text during the concert telling him that I thought he would have enjoyed it. Of course, he didn't write back and he still hasn't. He's busy with the Exhibitionist. It just reinforces what I already knew. As miserable as I was, I did enjoy Bezoukhoff's company. He is the sweetest friend--just way too nice. He listened to my troubles all night and paid for everything ion top of that. I don't know how I'll ever convince him that it's not necessary! We finished a bottle of wine and I had another whiskey. Then we headed back uptown to Cheers.

We hung out a Cheers for a few more hours. IrishBird was in a good mood, and it cheered me up a little. She was giving away candy that someone left with her. I couldn't stop thinking about Narc. I just need to get away from him. I feel like I'm addicted to him like a drug. It's good when I get my fix, but it's fucking up everything else. And I forget that there are so many other people...good people who care about me and whom I love to be with. I mean, I haven't even taken a voice lesson in a month! I've been spending all my time with Narc!

Nevertheless, I couldn't rid myself of depression that night and the more I drank, the worse it got. Finally, it was time to come home. I wrote that post "Drunk," and dropped off to sleep at around 3:00 am.

Yesterday I had therapy in the morning, which was difficult. It just stirred up a lot of bad things. Then, B and I met just before noon to see Batman Begins on IMAX. The movie was good and seeing it in that theater was awesome. After that, we strolled around Tower Records and then went to our "10-20-50" spot. I just felt like myself again being with him, and I love how much he loves me...really loves me for who I am. It was like medicine for my soul. It started to rain and we took the M104 all the way home, just talking about life over the long bus ride. Then we stopped at Dunkin' Donuts and indulged in sweets, which I never do, but who cares? With this whole Narc thing, I want what I can't have, so why not have what I'm not supposed to in terms of a dessert. Right? It made me feel shitty after though. We came back to my place and hung out and played piano and talked for a while more. He ended up staying over. We had a cozy night and ended up going to bed early--before midnight for once!

I made a resolve yesterday to end this insanity with Narc. It just hurts me so much. I can' t believe what he did this weekend and I can't believe I was stupid enough to trust him by opening myself up to him like that.

Yesterday with B I felt strong, but today I'm on my own and I don't feel so strong anymore. I still feel like I love Narc, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that that can't be true. It's just my fucking masochism. That's all that this is about!

I don't know, you guys... I don't know where I'm going to go from here or what's going to happen.

All I know is that I need some peace.

Friends and Family

Okay, well I totally reek of whisky and my head is pounding, but that's all my own fault due to last night. At least there was no drunk dialing! (I did get a call and a text from the Stallion last night, so that's something!)

Anyway, let's pick up where we left off...

When I woke up Saturday morning my doorbell was ringing. Yes, it was NDN. I opened my door and a bowl/cup of mate was thrust into my hand. I did my best to drink it down and make myself presentable on virtually no sleep. It was about 8:00 am. As soon as possible, I joined NDN and Oc at the elevators. NDN dubbed us his "summer crew." Cute. His mom pulled the car up to our building and we all set off for Connecticut. Oc pulled the tape out of his camera from the previous night and handed it to me because I was concerned about having done my "medicine" the night before in near proximity to the camera.

I got to know NDN's mom on the car ride up, but felt like I was barely myself for the lack of sleep and the hangover. It was good for the soul to get out to the country though. The sky was blue and the clouds were beautiful. We lay out by a beautiful pool and it was just perfect (except for the dead frog in the water!). I played some piano. It was nice to play an open piano for once. NDN wanted to make some BBQ, so we set off for the supermarket. Once there, NDN was very efficient. He and Oc and I stole a few bites from the salad bar. (We were hungry!) We also ate some stale pretzels. Then, it was back to his house.

NDN's mom showed us how to light the grill. We had to go in the crawl space underneath the deck and the rocks hurt our feet. I felt like the Little Mermaid walking on glass. NDN prepared a shitload of food--grilled beef, ribs, chicken, hot dogs, garlic bread and corn on the cob. He and I were fooling around and he sent a funny text to FourteenthFloorBoy (I'll die if ever it gets connected back to me!)

He wrote:
Heard you have a big load.

FourteenthFloorBoy actually wrote back!:
Don't recognize this number, but yes, I do.

We were rolling in laughter. (And yes, he REALLY does.)

Later, I drank a bottle of wine. It was great getting to know Oc. We talked for a while about what I'm studying at school, and then just about life in general. NDN and I have bonded so quickly over the past few months that I totally trust his friends to be good people too. It was nice.

The two of them were staying overnight, but I couldn't as I had plans to meet B. Instead, I called a cab to take me back to the train station. Sunshine called me just before I got on the train and we talked for a good 40 minutes until my cell phone battery died. Then I crashed and slept. I felt like shit and looked really haggard.

In Grand Central on the way home I stopped over at the Godiva store to buy the Colombian bartender a little birthday present. Then I stopped at Cheers to drop it off on my way home. BarMan was behind the bar.

"Hi, Hyde," he said sympathetically. "Are you okay?" He looked at me with pity in my dark shades.

(Fuck that.)

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just wanted to drop this off," I said.

"You should come back and party with us tonight," he smiled at me.

"Yeah, we'll see... Probably not. I have plans."

"With Narc?" He raised his eyebrows in disapproval.

"No, with B."

"So, B is back? What? Has it been a month already?"

"Just about. Look, I'll see you later..."

I didn't want anyone's pity despite the bruise. I went back to my place and waited for B to call. He did and told me to meet him at the Chinese place across the street.

As I approached the restaurant, I caught a glimpse of him through the window. It was surreal. I feel as if I've changed SO much since he left, and it made me feel guilty for some reason. I know it's not rational, but it's true. I'm not the same girl that he left here. He was shocked at how weary I looked, but there's nothing like that first hug that he gave me. I just felt like I was "home" when he hugged me. I missed him SO.

We had a nice night together...cozy. I still felt strange though--like I had somehow betryayed him in his absence. It makes no sense, but I couldn't shake it. We just sat and talked and listened to beautiful choral music and then went to bed early. I was knocked out only half an hour into SNL!

The next morning B had to take off for church and I had to head to Long Island for Father's Day. On the way to the train station, I texted Narc to find out how his hangliding went. I expected a call or text back, but for the rest of the afternoon, it was not forthcoming. I met BigSis and Bro-in-Law at the train station and we rode out there together. I felt guilty seeing them--guilty seeing all of my family, in fact. We're all supposedly so close, but no one has a fucking clue what is going on with me. It was totally a Jekyll afternoon, and I guess I'm just so used to being Hyde these days.

My stepfather picked us up and took us to the hospital to see my brother. I haven't updated you guys on him in a while. He's making amazing progress. He just got the surgery two days ago to replace that piece of his skull, and he's talking more and more. He can play some simple card games and even poker, and his personality is coming back. He smiles a lot. The doctors were so fucking wrong about him. It scares me to death that they wanted to let him go the night of the accident. It really is a miracle.

We all hung out there for the rest of the afternoon, joined by my mom, LilSis and JBC and my two stepsisters. After a few hours, we had to take off for a different hospital to visit my grandpa who just had some kind of gallblader surgery. For an 87 year old, he looked pretty fucking good coming out of surgery. My aunt and uncle were there, and my aunt kind of suckered me into agreeing to go to my cousin's high school graduation next week, even though it's really inconvenient.

"You know you're her favorite," she said.

Everyone knows that I can't say no.

After that, I asked LilSis and JBC to drop me off at the train early. JBC noticed my face, and I told him that I was just tired--must be dark circles. They left me at the station at 6:00 and I had to wait there until the next train arrived at 6:45. I was feeling so fucking depressed. I just sat there listening to my Eartha Kitt CD and feeling blue. I texted B telling him so. I was miserable that Narc never wrote me back. B called while I was waiting for the train and we got into a Narc-discussion in which he told me to stop hanging my well-being on the whims of a crazy motherfucker. He's right. (Things got even crazier with Narc later, which I still have to post about.) I think I was also depressed because father's day makes me think of my dad and it's always a little bit hard.

When I got home I made some pasta and settled in to watch the Simpsons and Family Guy. I was all set to spend the night at home (I was exhausted and needed it!) when I got a text from Narc.

He said:
Martini and reading at Le Zinc if you want to come down. Duane bw Church and W. Broadway.

I didn't write him back right away, but waited an hour or so. Then I said:
Will be back in the city at 10:00. Will give call then.

Of course, I called. Of course, I went. But as for my evening with Narc, you'll have to wait for the next post. It doesn't end well though (if you couldn't tell from last night's drunken post). I'm so fucking tired and need to go take a shower before therapy. Going to see Batman Begins with B this afternoon. We're going to see it on the IMAX screen. It should be cool...

later....

-h

Drunk

I'm at my house. I drank a lot. I have bruises on my eyes. Bezoukhoff is here. He thinks my cat is the sweetest feline in the world. PumpedUp hates me. Or so I think. Bezoukhoff says it's not entirely true. I think that Narc is fucking someone else tonight. And that makes me want to run in front of a moving car. I'm quoting Bezoukhoff now:

"What? Run in front of a moving car??? Hyde? The fact that that asshole may or may not be sleeping with someone else... The point is, it's your own life Hyde... The point is I'd like to murder the man. Sweet bloody murder. The fact is, I can not. But sending him to a nut house, I'd like to. He'd come out with some help."

So, now what? I'm off to sleep bruised and depressed and (NOT due to Bezoukhoff, but due to Narc). I'm SURE he's sleeping with the Exhibitionist girl tonight and I can't stand it, and I'm only grateful that I'm drunk, and I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes, and I'll update you guys on the rest of the weekend in which Narc fucked me over when I have a chance.

When will I ever learn?

Certainly not tonight....

love you all!

-Hyde

Getting Weary

I feel like a lifetime has passed since I wrote that "In Love with Love" entry. I can't believe how much has gone down. I think I went too long without blogging; After all, I'm woefully unable to remember the play by play drama of Thursday night and Friday. To make matters worse, my sleep schedule is all fucked up, my brain is muddled and I'm racked with exhaustion. That's not going to make it any easier to reconstruct this narrative. So, what to do? I think I'll divide my story into three parts: the first will address Thursday and Friday, in the second I'll cover the weekend, and finally, in the third I'll go from Sunday night through today. Otherwise, I'm telling you--this thing would get crazy long. (I know I'm already infamous for long posts, so I'm going to try to spare you.)

I left you guys off on Wednesday night. I was getting ready to get dinner and meet my friend NV for drinks at Cheers at around 11:00. At about 8:00 I got a call from Narc. I was psyched because I still was afraid he was mad at me for messing up that computer appointment. He said he wasn't mad and asked what I was up to.

"Nothing much right now," I said. "Just eating dinner and then meeting a friend in a few hours. What about you?"

"Well, it's Bloomsday today," he said. "I wanted to meet my friends at Dublin, but they're all flaking out on me."

"That's too bad." (So, what? Am I his last choice? Good for when his other friends are unavailable? Calm down with your insecurities, Hyde...)

"Do you want to get a drink?" he asked.

"Well, like I said, I'm meeting my friend later."

"I'm kind of not far from you now," he said.

"Oh, well, okay... Sure, if you want, just let me know when you're around."

At about 9:00 he texted me:
At Cheers.

He was clingy! I was really happy. It seemed as if our "non-relationship" was finally turning into something more significant, or rather, that he was letting it happen.

I had been watching Will & Grace with NDN, but he had to make some phone calls, so we parted ways and I headed out to meet Narc. It was a karaoke night at Cheers. Narc texted his "friend," PopStarChick that he was at karaoke and was "thinking of her." I thought it was strange, because he told me that he had been on a handful of dates with her, and I know he had just seen her the previous evening for Batman Begins. I tried not to be jealous though. I know I can get that way.

"Whatever..." I told myself.

Narc and I had a good time hanging out until NV arrived, and when NV got there, he and Narc seemed to get along fine. All three of us were getting wasted and having a blast with the karaoke. I tried singing some new songs--faster pop stuff. I was nervous because it's not really my genre.

"What's the big deal?" Narc asked. "Who do you have to impress here?"

"Um....hello? You!" I said.

It was okay. I sang the songs well anyway. When I got back to the bar, Narc looked proud of me.

"I thought you said you couldn't sing pop!" he said.

As the night wore on, the three of us got increasingly drunk. Narc and NV got up and sang the Backstreet Boys, that's how bad it got! Narc was being more and more physically close with me. On the other hand, he continued to send texts to that other girl. It was upsetting me despite myself. I saw in one of them, he said to her "wish you were here."

Did he really wish she were there? What did that mean?

NV took off at around 1:00 am. As Narc and I were drunk and left alone, the conversation turned (of course!) to the topic of our relationship. I asked Narc whether or not we were "together," and if not, why not. I told him that I thought he had been with "New-Girl," (who from here on in I'm going to call the "Exhibitionist" for obvious reasons). Narc just laughed and said that he wasn't ever with the Exhibitionist, but that he had dated PopStarChick in March and April. He thought it was cute that I was jealous. I didn't.

"Isn't that the girl you've been texting tonight?"

"Yeah, I just thought she'd think it's funny we're at karaoke because she's a singer."

"I don't get you, Narc," I said. "I just don't get why you won't let things solidify with us."

"Do you really want to know?" he asked. "Do you really want to know why?"

"Yes!" I insisted. (The way he said that though, I braced myself for what was coming.)

"Just look at you," he said. "How can you not see it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you think I'm acutely aware that your dad died so young?"

What???

"So?"

"So? You're body is full of negative energy, sickness... it's all over you."

"What are you talking about, Narc? You're judging me by my dad?"

"No. I'm judging you by you. You can't hide it, Hyde."

It felt like he was punching me in the stomach. I was drunk and kind of numb and don't remember exactly how the covnersation went after that. I just remember thinking how unfair it was that he was assessing my character by things over which I have no control. Then somehow (and this is not surprising), our talk turned to the issue of parenthood. Narc told me again, that he didn't think I would be a good mother. Why? Because of of that "sickness" he thinks is so evident in me.

"You have no fucking clue what kind of mother I'd be," I told him. "And how dare you judge me by my dad. That's not me."

"But it is."

"Shut up," I said. "Shut up and fuck you! I don't EVER want to hear another word about my dad come out of your mouth. EVER!"

He didn't say anything.

"You think you know me better than I know myself? You think you're so fucking omniscent? You're a condescending asshole is what you are. And you don't know shit about me."

"Of course I do," he said calmly. (He can be so fucking smug and arrogant!)

"How dare you judge me when you've never even taken two seconds to get to know me!" I said.

"I do know you, Hyde."

"Bullshit. This conversation is over. Leave me the fuck alone."

I started to sulk and refused to look at him after that. I just started ordering shots. Narc pretended that everything was okay. IrishBird was looking at us funny, so I passed her a note telling her that I was furious at him. She rolled her eyes at Narc to show me solidarity.

A little while later, Narc and I got called up for karaoke. He had put in for us Voices Carry. There's no way I wanted to sing with him at that point. I signaled ThursdayGirl to skip us and to go to the next song. That happened a few more times. Finally, Narc grabbed my hand and dragged me up to the stage. I was still sulking. I hardly sang. I was too drunk to figure out how the song went anyway. Narc was much more drunk than I was. Maybe he was even too drunk to notice my pouting. He was swaying back and forth and was barely himself at that point.

After the song, the two of us continued to drink, and things were just bad in general. (Again, by the end of the night, our tab was around $160.00). At about 2:30 am, we were the only ones left there. It was clear that BarMan, IrishBird and ThursdayGirl wanted to head home, but Narc just wouldn't finish up and leave. He was talking to ThursdayGirl about something, slurring his words. She looked uncomfortable. I'm not totally sure what was going on because I was a good 10 feet away. But at one point, I saw Narc grab her arm (to emphasize his point or something), and BarMan jumped to his feet.

"Whoa...hold on there!" he said.

"Yeah, don't touch me," ThursdayGirl shook Narc off of her.

Remembering that they all think that Narc is physically violent, I didn't want any kind of a scene. I rushed over there to handle the situation.

"C'mon, Narc, let's just go," I said.

"No!" he insisted. "No! We were having a discussion here. And besides, I have to finish my drink."

"Forget the drinks, let's just go home."

"Not yet."

"C'mon! There's nothing left here, we can have fun at home."

"I want to finish."

"Don't bother... I've got JackDaniels at home," I said. "Seriously--Jack Daniels, cocaine and sex-- what else could you want? C'mon!"

IrishBird, BarMan and ThursdayGirl looked visibly concerned with the mention of coke, but I didn't care. I just wanted to find a way to get Narc out the door before anything bad happened. I managed to convince him; I paid bill, took his hand, and led him to the door.

Once outside the bar, he wanted to smoke a cigarette, complaining that we had been kicked out.

"Oh, they're always like that when it gets late," I said, trying to smooth it over. "They just want to get home...it's the end of the night."

I sent BarMan a text:
Sorry. Tell ThursdayGirl too.

After his cigarette, Narc and I started fighting again. As always, we found ourselves back on the "relationship" issue. I really don't want to go into it, but he was saying mean things to me... I mean, telling me all sorts of things that are wrong with me, and blaming me for why we can't be together. I started to cry and told him to leave me alone.

"Just stop it, Narc. Stop it. I already feel badly enough with what went down last week. I'm still trying to cope with all that, and I just can't deal with this right now. Just stop attacking me."

"Whatever, Hyde. I just don't understand how that is still such a big deal to you. It's over and it doesn't matter."

"It does matter and it is a big deal to me. You have no fucking idea how I feel about it... even right now." I started to cry even harder.

I felt like my brain was unravelling. I felt like I was falling into an enormous black hole, and I could see Narc there, close but far away, just standing there watching me fall. I couldn't calm myself down. I couldn't breathe underneath the weight of all of my guilt and self-hatred. So many things were flooding my head--old and new, from this fight with Narc to my oldest wounds.

We were back in my apartment. I was standing in the doorway to my kitchen. I pushed him aside and ran into the bathroom, falling onto the toilet seat to sob. I couldn't calm myself down. I scratched my arm and leg in four different places until I was bleeding--especially on my thigh. When I came out of the bathroom, Narc saw all of the blood. He was furious with me. He grabbed my arms really hard.

"I thought I told you that you were NEVER to do that again!"

(It's true. Once, last summer, only the second month after we met, Narc saw an old scar or two and pressed me about it. That day he stared me in the eye in his controlling kind of way and said to me, "It's finished. You are never going to do that again, do you understand me?" At the time, I said "okay," and really meant it. It was one of those things.)

But back to Thursday night-- when he grabbed my arms, I tried to wrestle away from him. I was still crying. Honestly, you guys, this whole thing is a blur because I really was drunk, and very upset, but we ended up struggling and getting into some kind of physical fight. I'm not sure how it happened, but in the end, I was collapsed on the floor of my hallway, and my right eye was scratched up and a little bruised. He was on the floor too. We had fought each other to the ground. Even though I had fought pretty hard, I'm not sure if he was hurt or not. I was just crying, and then it's like something switched on in him. He pulled me in so close and hugged me and kissed me.

"I'm so sorry my darling," he said. "I know how hard this has all been for you. I'm so sorry for all of it."

I just cried and then we started kissing for real. I felt so close to him, and like we're both just fucking crazy people who at least can accept each other's craziness. (I wasn't going to blog about all this, because I'm sure you all think I'm REALLY crazy now, but whatever... I have nothing to hide.)

"Let's get up and do some coke," I said.

He agreed. I poured him a glass of whiskey and went to get the stuff from my bedroom. This part of the night, again, is still a blur to me. I know we did coke for a while and then we went and "tried" to have sex for an hour or two, but the drugs made it difficult. In the middle of things, (and while he was on top of me), Narc told me that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, I want you to be mine...all mine. All for me. I just don't want you with anyone else."

"I haven't been," I said, "except in March and April, which I told you about. I've always been completely honest with you."

"I know that you have," he told me, "but I hate that you did that anyway. I hate to think that."

"That's not fair, though, Narc," I said. "You know that I would have committed to you in a second. You're the one who doesn't want a relationship.

"Do you really think that?" he asked.

"Yes."

"But you know that that's not true. How can you really think that? How can you not see all that I've wanted? I do want to be with you Hyde. I just can't say the 'c-word,'"

(I didn't ask him what that meant, but I'm pretty sure it's "committment." Typical.)

Then, for a while longer, he just told me that he loves me over and over again.

After a while, we moved back into the kitchen for some more "medicine." We were up for hours on end. The clock ticked by...5:00 am, 6:00 am, 7:00 am... We talked about anything and everything. It was an intensely personal conversation. I told him things that I've rarely told anyone else. He was so sweet and supportive. He told me that I should never be disappointed with myself and that I'm an amazing girl. He told me a lot of intimate things about himself as well.

"Why don't you trust anyone, Narc?" I asked.

"Because I just can't."

At one point he started crying. I was shocked. I've never seen him cry before. He was sitting at the barstool at my kitchen counter. I walked around to be nearer to him.

"I want to hug you," I said.

I was standing up and he was sitting down. I pulled him in against my breasts. I wanted him to know that he was loved right then. He just clung to me for a few minutes and cried.

"Promise me you're not going to turn out to be a robot," he said.

I wasn't sure what he meant.

"I won't hurt you, Narc," I said. "I can't promise that this will all work out between us, but I can prmoise that I'll never betray you or treat you poorly. I really do want you to be happy."

That moment brought the two of us closer than ever. But it was strange--it was a sort of twilight zone moment, made more surreal by the drugs and the fact that neither of us had any sense of what time it was.

After a while, I started to feel myself coming down. I was worried.

"I fucking hate the come downs," I said. "I seem to get them worse and worse."

"Don't worry," he told me. "I'll stay with you."

We moved into the living room, and Narc noticed my guitar leaning in the corner. He wanted to teach me some guitar chords.

"I don't know Narc," I said. "I'm not really feeling well."

"No, it'll be cool," he insisted.

He told me sit on the piano bench with my back to him. He sat behind me, placing his arms around me with the guitar in front of me. Then he reached around to position my fingers on the different chords. We were both naked, and I felt a little weird. What was going on? Narc kept looking at me with the most intense and loving looks I can imagine. I swear, you guys, I've never seen him like that. It's like, he had only one thought, and that was of me. There was a strange calm and focus, and for one moment, his walls were totally down and he was happy. It was disconcerting and something inside me knew that it couldn't last.

While we were holding the guitar, Narc looked down and noticed the blood all over my leg.

"What the fuck happened?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Your leg!"

"God, Narc! Don't you remember? It was just last night...I mean, this morning!"

"I don't remember that."

"Well, you were there," I said. "But let's just drop it now, okay? It doesn't matter any more at this point."

"But it does..."

"Narc, drop it."

A little while later, I told him that I had to get into bed. I just needed to ride out the drugs. I think it was around noon, and neither of us had slept at all yet. He got into bed with me, and pulled me so tightly underneath him that I couldn't breathe.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said. "I want to know everything that you're thinking.

"Like what?"

"Just talk. I just want to listen to your voice...your thoughts. I'm here for you always," he said.

I got the feeling that he was playing out some sort of romantic script of his own. It was strange and I wasn't sure what to say.

"I don't know, Narc... um... well... Are you ever sorry that you met me?"

(I mean, I've often been sorry that I met him. He's just complicated things so much for me, and for what? I wanted to know if he felt the same way.)

"What?!? That's the most stupid quesiton I've ever heard!" he said. "Hyde! How can you ask that? Of COURSE I'm not sorry that I met you. I love that I met you. Hyde, you make me happy. You do. You make me so very, very happy. You can't know how happy..."

He pulled me closer. I was thrilled, but it was all mixed up with the bad feelings of coming down. I only wished that I could fall asleep and that when I awoke I would feel okay. It was hard to sleep though, all wired up and with the mid-afternoon sun streaming in through the windows.

"Do you remember the day we met?" I asked.

"Of course," he said.

I told him what I had been doing earlier that day before I met him. I think it totally reframed things for him (I'll tell you guys all that story another time).

"I remember EVERYTHING about the first time we had sex," he said.

He really did. He remembered a lot more than I did. It surpirsed me. He remembered so many specific little things that I said and that I did. I thought it was sweet, and I really felt connected to him laying there. It's strange that we already have memories together that are a year old!

Finally, Narc fell asleep. He started to snore, and I lay there unsure of what to do. I felt like shit, but there was no way my body would let me sleep. It was about 1:30. I got out of bed and decided to cross the street to the deli for some water and food. I wasn't hungry, but I thought it might make me feel better.

At the deli, I bought two bottles of gatorade, two bottles of smart-water and two bagels. I left Narc's stuff next to him at the bedside, and went to lay down in the living room with the Daytime Soaps. I watched TV for a few hours, drifting off to sleep around 3:00, but only for a 1/2 hour or so. When I woke up, I showered and dried my hair until around 4:30 when Narc emerged from the bedroom.

Although only a few hours had passed from our "bonding" experience, the spell that was over us had been broken, and things felt a little awkward. Nevertheless, Narc settled in on the living room couch with me, and we screwed around for the rest of the afternoon, watching TV and having sex. At 8:00 I had plans to go to an "all you can eat/all you can drink" sushi-dinner hosted by NDN, so I asked Narc if he wanted to come along. He agreed, and when the time came, we set off for the restaurant.

It was a strange crowd that NDN brought together for this event. He invited me and my neighbor on the other side (I need a code-name for him. Any suggestions, NDN?). NDN's friend Oc was there (he'll be staying with NDN for a little while). And then there was some girl who NDN met in the elevator of our building along with three of her friends. The dinner was a lot of fun, but again, it was strange to be there with Narc socializing with my crowd. I must add that NDN packed away quite an impressive amount of sushi. Neither Narc nor I could eat that much because of all the "medicine" we had taken, but we managed to drink our fair share.

Towards the end of the dinner I leaned over and asked him if he remembered what we had talked about the night before.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "We talked about a lot of things."

"Well, just in general, Narc. Do you remember what we talked about in general?"

At this point, we had gotten up, and everyone was leaving the restaurant.

"Well, you can't just ask me about 'in general,'" he said. "What are you talking about specifically?"

Of course, you guys know that I was talking about how he said he loves me over and over, how he said that he wants a relationship, but was scared about it, how he said he doesn't want me to be with anyone else, how he said I make him happy, etc.

"Don't make me say it, Narc," I said. "You know what I mean."

"Well, like I said," he began, "a lot of things were said last night. We were both drunk and high."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. "Are you saying that I should discount whatever you said because you were drunk and high?"

"Well, yeah..."

"Narc, you have to be joking me."

He stiffened up and looked at me coldly.

"Well, I'm not."

What the fuck?!?!?

This conversation took place on our walk home. NDN, Oc, our other neighbor and I were all going back to NDN's place for some mate and booze. I asked Narc if he wanted to come along, but he said he had to go home and get some sleep because he had to wake up super early the next morning for some hangliding day-trip. We parted ways back at my building. I was upset and still kind of reeling from everything.

Back at NDN's place, we did citron shots, smoked the water pipe and drank mate. I was getting drunk (as was everyone else), and I accidentally tipped the water pipe spilling coals on the floor. We had a lot of fun though. Everyone was laughing, and Oc was making a video of the whole thing. After a while there, our other neighbor wanted to go to McFadden's because a friend of his was bartending there. I went into the bathroom and did two enormous lines. On the way out to McFadden's, everyone stopped at my apartment and I sang two songs for them. Then we were off.

NDN and I set one foot into McFadden's and decided that it was way too crowded to stay. Our other neighbor and Oc had already disappeaered into the crowd, so we turned around and headed halfway up the block, parking ourselves on two of the enormous cement planters outside Dunkin' Donuts. I was wearing dark sunglasses, and NDN took off his shoes. (After all, one of my eyes was scratched up, and both were dialted from the medicine.) We had a great time just hanging out there. NDN and I started to play a game--for everyone that walked by, male or female, we gave a "yes" or a "no" as to whether or not we'd have sex with them. I felt a little guilty judging people like that, but it was a lot of fun and it brought a lot of laughter.

At about 1:30 am or 2:00, we decided to head home. Just then, Oc came out of McFadden's. He was pretty wasted. The three of us walked back towards our building but I said that I wanted to stop in over at Cheers. Oc said that he'd come with me, and NDN made me promise to get his friend home okay (as he was a lot more drunk than I was). Oc and I went into the bar, each ordering a drink, but Oc couldn't drink his. He was too far gone, so I told him that I'd take him home in a few minutes, which I did. Then I headed back out to Cheers.

Once there, I ended up talking to one of the Colombian bartenders. He told me it was his birthday the next night, so I made a mental note to bring him a present. I still had my sunglasses on and everyone wanted to know why. I didn't think the scratch/bruise was that bad, so I took them off, rather than get more attention for it, but IrishBird noticed the mark and got really upset. I think they also saw the scratches on my arm. BarMan came over with concern and informed me that Narc is no longer welcome at Cheers. I was upset. I tried to tell them (again!) that it's not what they thought, and that it's unfair of them to tell me who I can and can't bring there, but it wasn't much use. BarMan brought up the text I sent him the night before.

"Look, Hyde--Don't ever apoligize for somebody else's behavior!" he said. "You don't ever have to do that."

"I just felt embarassed," I said. "I didn't want him to bother you guys."

"You're a great girl, Hyde," he said. "You need to stop putting yourself through this kind of bullshit."

I stayed there until 5:00 am. I felt pretty awful. They all think my life is a fucking mess, and maybe they're right. I mean, there I was there, drunk and alone at 5:00 am with scratches on my arm, looking half beaten up, and for what? Narc had totally taken back everythign good that had come out of the ngiht before!

I am such a loser.

Anyway, I got back to my place just after 5:00 am. NDN, Oc and I had a plan to go to Connecticut early the next day, so I sent NDN a text:

Just getting home. How the fuck r u guys gonna get me up???

(Remember--I hadn't slept at all the night before either.)

Anyway, that's my Thursday and Friday. As for Saturday, Sunday, Monday and today, I'll get to that in the next few posts. This one has taken a lot out of me and besides, I've got to go get some lunch...

-hyde