Catching Up

I feel like I have a lot to catch up on in this blog...

This entire week the weather has been insufferably muggy until today when we finally caught a break from the humidity. Not that it has made a difference to me... I've been home all day reading articles. I also had a very strange urge come over me today--the urge to clean! Those of you who have actually been in my apartment know that housekeeping is not one of my many skills. In fact, I'm pretty much a "homewrecker" in the most literal sense of the word. To put it simply--my apartment is the epitome of chaos. But, as luck would have it, today I got the urge to clean. I moved my bed, pulled out my nightstand and have literally been crawling around on my hands and knees for the past hour sweeping the dust and scrubbing the floor. Getting this house in order is such a monumental task that it will take weeks of consistent work, but you have to start somewhere, right? And somehow it felt symbolic to sweep under the bed.

Anyway, I haven't really posted a nice long post in a few days. It's mostly because I've been running around with a crazy schedule. Thursday was an utterly exhausting day for me. The subway ride to work was a hellish test of my endurance for heat and other people. (I have a low tolerance for both). In between teaching classes I finished up a paper and then went to my own class to hand it in at 4:00. I waited for the crosstown bus back to the West Side to teach my evening class, but as it was rush hour and midtown on the East Side is still jammed up from the UN traffic, it took over half an hour for the right bus to come. I was in a very agitated mood!

While I was on the bus, my phone rang. It was Anxious and she was in tears. That immediately softened me, and I asked her what was wrong., She told me that she had just bumped into "Scotland," the guy she dated for several months last year after ending her 8-year relationship with Buke. She broke up with Scotland in February--the day she met me and Narc at Manchester. (I wrote about that here). Anyway, she just bumped into Scotland on the street and tried to smooth things over with him. She asked him if he wanted to get together for coffee sometime, as "friends," of course. He flat out told her "no."

Now, you have to understand something about Anxious--she is a control freak. She also insists that she is always happy. It's a very strange way to cope with things, in my opinion. For example, she didn't break up with Buke until she already had the next guy in the wings. Once, she made a major life decision to move two hours away, quit her job and take a job at a newspaper, but she didn't mention it to (or discuss it with) a single friend until every detail of the move was set up. She doesn't want to be caught at any moment not in complete control. But Scotland totally rejected her and left her without a boyfriend (which I guess, to her, is an intolerable condition), and there was nothing she could do about it. I think the "control" thing is why she's so insanely sensitive about the issue. I also think it's why she snatched up BulgarianGuy--the first guy she managed to hook up with after Scotland. (I wrote about the night she met BulgarianGuy here). Anyway, I did my best to calm her down.

"Why does it still hurt, Hyde?" she cried. "Why do I still feel pain about this?"

"Because, Anxious! Some things that are left unresolved never stop hurting, and seeing him just reopened that wound. You're just a sensitive girl. It's okay. Pain is a part of life, you know?"

Honestly, it astounds me that she manages to live her life in such massive denial of life's pains. So much so that she hardly ever feels them! Sadness and rejection was an unfamiliar feeling to her! She lives a white-knuckled life. I somehow felt much wiser than she throughout the conversation, even though I had no answers. The only thing I could tell her is that life and pain are inextricably bound together in the same way that life and joy are. We have very little "control" over either. Now, I know that I'm certainly not the model for good coping skills, but at least I acknowledge my feelings!

I had to cut our conversation short, though, because I had to teach class. And, I was still cranky because I hadn't eaten anything all day--I skipped lunch in order to work on that paper that was due at 4:00 and I skipped dinner because I got stuck in traffic on the bus. I made it through the class okay anyway...

When I got home, I sat down to check my e-mail, the blogs, etc. and I saw that Charby was online. She was up being an insomniac! Poor Charby! The two of us IM'd for about an hour, which was really quite nice. It's always a strange feeling when a fellow blogger comes off the page and has a "live" dialogue with you.

At around 10:30, NDN came by. I agreed to go out for drinks, but he wanted someplace quieter than Cheers on a karaoke night. So we headed to FuBar. Thus began our night of "drinking in reverse." Usually it's a Cheers-Manchester-FuBar progression. This time, we did an inversion.

On our way into the bar, some guy grabbed my arm.

"I remember you!" he exclaimed. He was clearly drunk. "I remember that face. I can't forget that face!"

I had no fucking clue who this guy was.

"Don't you remember me?" he went on. "C'mon... Do you remember where you met me?"

At that point, NDN decided to run to the restroom. He thought it was okay to leave me because I was standing near the bouncer, but I later admonished him that it was in fact, a bad move on his part. I told him never to leave a girl-friend alone in a bar with a drunk guy to whom she doesn't wish to speak.

I didn't remember where I had met the guy, but I could make an educated guess. (As I'm sure you all can too, at this point).

"Was it at Cheers?" I ventured.

"Yes! That's right! You do remember me!"

I smiled and kind of pulled away. I took two seats at the bar and NDN returned to order us drinks before going to get some popcorn. (FuBar gives away free popcorn). The guy, Paul, took a seat on the other side of NDN's chair. He kept trying to talk to me. He asked for my phone number.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," I said.

"Why not?" he asked. "Do you have a boyfriend? A girlfriend?"

"Well, no... I don't know. It's sort of complicated," I answered.

Why can't I answer such a simple question? The answer should be "no." But I really do feel like my heart is occupied right now.

"Well, if you give me your number, I promise you-- we'll start as friends," he tried to assure me. "I'll call you in exactly three days. I keep my word. Friends to start, okay?"

This guy was freaking me out.

"I don't think so," I said.

He continued to press me.

"I'll let you know when I finish my drink, okay?" I tried to turn away.

Just then, NDN returned with the popcorn (which I have to say, he made inedible by pouring hot sauce all over it! He went back to get me a fresh batch.)

Paul said he works for the UN. He stuck around for a while longer trying to make small talk by telling us some bullshit about being out with his drunk boss. Whatever... Eventually he took off, and thankfully I didn't even have to give him a fake number.

NDN and I moved to the back of the bar and just had a good long chat about a lot of things including relationships and addiction. Soon enough we headed to Manchester. He was intent on drinking a bloody mary and FuBar wasn't serving them.

At Manchester, Sean Duffy was on duty. I wanted to impress him with my relative sobriety. (I think he has the most awful impression of me.) Anyway, I went up to the bar to order us drinks and a few guys at the end of the bar started talking to me.

"Just bring the drinks back here, honey!" NDN called out.

I went over to him.

"Why are you calling me honey?" I demanded.

"Because! How do those guys know we're not together? It's emasculating!"

"I can't believe you've found a way to cock block me!" I laughed.

(Oc has claimed in the past that NDN is all about the cock block.)

Anyway, we had fun at Manchester, but NDN was wasted by the time we left. Onwards to Cheers! NDN didn't stay long at Cheers, as he was too drunk to have much fun. (He was majorly hurting the next day.) I stayed and drank and drank some more. I still hadn't eaten anything all day, so who the fuck knows what I was running on. Cheers closed around 3:30 am and I went across the street to the deli for a sandwich. Then I came home and passed out.

The next morning it was again, as muggy as hell. I spent the last few dollars in my wallet on red bull, only to realize that my entire bank account is empty until my most recent paycheck clears. Shit! I headed uptown to a voice lesson which I survived okay, given my frazzled state, and then I took the bus back home. The bus took FOREVER and I was in a strange mood. I had my camera in my bag, so I just started taking pictures on the bus, which I think people thought was strange. Whatever. The bus wouldn't' t take me all the way home though. Instead, I had to get off at Lexington. Again--the UN street closures!

After that, I managed to dig up enough loose change in my purse to buy a bottle of water. (I was majorly dehydrated.) On the way back into my building, I bumped into IrishBird outside on the corner.

"Hey! What's up!" I called out to her.

"How you feeling today, Hyde?"

"Okay... Why?"

"You were gone last night, that's all. I saw you in the deli getting your sandwich and you kept asking the guy over and over about how much it cost."

"That's because my bank account is empty," I said. "I was probably just making sure I had enough."

"Why is it empty?" she asked.

I explained that I was waiting to get my check cashed. She took out some money and offered it to me.

"IrishBird! I'm not going to take your money!"

"Just take it, Hyde."

She pushed it into my pocket. She is a good friend. It was really sweet.

After that I headed home, with very little time to make myself presentable for dinner with B's parents. I got all dolled up for the event, but walking to meet them in the intolerable heat, I felt like all my efforts went to waste by the time I arrived. (B assured me that wasn't the case). He wanted to go for Filipino food, although the only nearby Filipino place was a mediocre restaurant. We walked over there anyway. On the way, his parents ended up talking to each other while I talked to B. I tried to explain to him that he was going to have to facilitate conversation between all four of us and make a little effort to ease the awkwardness.

"Remember what it was like when you first met my family?" I asked. "You needed me to help you then, right?"

He agreed, but I have to say, he didn't go on to give me much help.

I was able to break the ice a bit when we got to the restaurant. It was a "turo-turo" style restaurant. (Which is basically a buffet, but someone else serves you). They asked me if I knew what that meant and I told them that I did.

"It means 'point-point,'" I said. "B is a very good teacher!"

Later when they were talking about dessert, his dad asked me if I knew "halo-halo."

"Of course!" I smiled. "It's mix-mix!"

At another point in the meal, his dad asked him in Tagalog to pass the "patis," a common condiment. I heard the word "patis," and knowing what it was, I passed it over. I think it impressed them that I was so interested in learning about their culture.

"All I have to do now, is come visit!" I said.

They laughed and agreed. B was glad I said that because now they'll have a hard time saying no if he ever wants to bring me over there in the future.

Still, it was hard to make conversation. I asked a lot about his brother and how he was settling in at Harvard. His dad said that he heard I was an Elvis fan and tried to make some small talk about that. Soon enough, the meal was over.

B led them to the subway and then he and I went for coffee at Dunkin' Donuts.

"They really liked you! I could tell," he assured me.

I still felt shy, although they had already gone.

B and I talked about all sorts of things--mainly love and relationships, which was kind of strange, given our complicated background. We talked about his commitment issues, and my "devotion" issues--we're at opposite ends of the spectrum, but it's a problem for both of us. He was encouraging me to try casually dating, but I just can't right now. I'm not ready for it yet. I mean, Narc called it a "non-relationship" and all, but my heart is the most slow moving frustrating thing sometimes. I just can't internalize all of that the way I'm supposed to. In any event, it was nice to be out with B on a Friday night. Usually when we hang out, it's just downtime at my place and always the same--Monday nights. This felt different. Like when we used to be "just friends." I mean we are "just friends," but it's been more than that ever since we went through our whole relationship.

(As an aside, I have to note that the formidable Mr. Rochester (my adorable cat) is driving me crazy right now. He keeps jumping up and grabbing at my arm with a wild look in his eye. I know he wants to play, but I'm so not in the mood).

After B and I parted, I took the bus back uptown, but again, ended up having to walk a few extra blocks due to the street closures. Back at home, I watched some TV and called it an early night.

On Saturday morning I got up at a decent hour, read some articles, gossiped with Hammer and watched TV. I got that weird e-mail from E-the-R, so I also ended up on the phone with VJ laughing about that for a while. But I had to get some work done before heading out to Long Island for the evening. My second cousin was being Bar Mitzvah-ed and I asked NDN to come with me as my date.

Now, as you know, LilSis and JBC just got engaged. They were coming to the city with my mom on Saturday afternoon to look at possible wedding venues. Their last stop was planned for South Street Seaport, so NDN and I agreed to meet them there. NDN went down a little early on his own, and I met him there at 3:00. (We didn't have to meet my family until 4:30).

When I got there, he was just chilling out by the water, writing in his journal and drinking Pina Coladas at "happy hour" prices. I joined him with some Malibu and diet (no sugar-crashy frozen drinks for me!) and we hung out for a while, laughing and having an all around good time.
Eventually we met up with my family and drove back to my mom's house where we all got changed for the party. NDN and I picked up BigSis and Bro-in-Law at his parents' house and we were off.

I have to say, I had a great time at the party. NDN was a perfect date. As he put it, he "cleaned up nice" and he was a real mensch--so easily conversant with everyone in my family--even distant cousins I hardly knew! And he was a fun partner on the dance floor. The food was excellent and abundant, so we stuffed ourselves. I drank, but it was so spaced out that I was still sober upon leaving. I think my mom was especially happy to see all of her cousins there (on her father's side) from far and wide. The whole event was tinged with sadness though, because the Bar Mitzvah boy's grandfather was my uncle that just died a few weeks ago.

Bro-in-Law dropped me and NDN off at the train station at around 1:00 am. Oc was hosting a party in Brooklyn that NDN had agreed to go to, but we figured that he wouldn't have gotten to the party until 3:00 am and NDN didn't want to leave me on the train alone at that hour. So we trekked back to our apartment building, making it home by 2:30. We were both wide awake, though, and I wanted to go back out.

Go back out, I did, and I headed to Cheers. It was probably unnecessary, but whatever. I'm a woman of excess. I drank for two more hours there, hanging out with ThursdayGirl and after closing time, with IrishBird for a bit. She told me that she and PumpedUp are taking off for Vegas, so she won't be working again until Thursday. I'm glad because I'm seeing B tomorrow (when BarMan's on shift) and then if IrishBird won't be there, that should keep me on the straight and narrow until Thursday or Friday.

This morning I got up pretty early (considering how late I was out) and had lunch with B. Then I came back home to do school work and to clean.

Anyway, I've got to go get something to eat and get back to work now.

Hope you all had a good weekend!

Hyde