I have so much that I want to say about the fun, the strange, the downright bizarre events of the weekend, but I probably won't get to writing about it for another few days. I spoke to my sponsor last night and she chided me for not having done more work on my fourth step.
"If you don't do the work, you're not going to get better," she said.
I know that she's right. So... this afternoon, instead of blogging, I put in a few hours on my fourth step. I've finally at least made a dent in the thing, although there is SO much more to do!!!
I could try to force myself to do a mega-post right now, but I just got home and I'm exhausted. I really just want to eat dinner, take a shower and collapse into bed with some scintillating, mind-numbing television.
So, forgive me if I fall behind in my blogging this week. I promise that if anything REALLY dramatic happens, I'll report it. I'm hoping I won't have to, though. God knows, I need a week of peace and quiet...
-h-
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Here's to B!
Exactly ten years ago today, I met B. I'm going up to Columbia this afternoon to meet him for our anniversary celebration. Who would have thought it would have been such a changing day in my life?
As for the weekend, it was quite busy...
And here I am on Monday, having just been observed for a teaching evaluation. I think it went well...
In other news, Narc and I have been in text communication, but I haven't seen him. TT texted me yesterday... (not that it matters all that much).
Anyway, this morning LilSis sent me a dozen bridesmaid dresses to look at online. Her wedding (to JBC) is set for August, 2007. Let the insanity of the wedding planning begin! I think I want a dress with a bustle.
That's it for now...I'll write more later with a full update on the weekend's crazy events...
love,
h
As for the weekend, it was quite busy...
- On Friday, I spent the day with Bezoukhoff and the evening with Bezoukhoff, NDN and Brick.
- On Saturday, I spent the afternoon with Brick and the evening at BigSis' birthday/halloween party, accompanied by Brick and NDN. (The evening ended with a trip to a tranny bar and a sighting of SingMan! No... he wasn't at that bar.)
- On Sunday I spent the morning with Brick and the afternoon and evening with Hammer.
And here I am on Monday, having just been observed for a teaching evaluation. I think it went well...
In other news, Narc and I have been in text communication, but I haven't seen him. TT texted me yesterday... (not that it matters all that much).
Anyway, this morning LilSis sent me a dozen bridesmaid dresses to look at online. Her wedding (to JBC) is set for August, 2007. Let the insanity of the wedding planning begin! I think I want a dress with a bustle.
That's it for now...I'll write more later with a full update on the weekend's crazy events...
love,
h
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Swansong: Explained
It's been a very emotional week thus far. And I really don't have time right now to detail it all, as it's gray and rainy day, and I have several wigs to prepare for my friends and family. You see-- my sister is having her annual Halloween party tonight and I am arranging wigs for Brick and my mom. I also have to get my own costume together. I have to set my hair in curlers, as I'm going as little Orphan Annie.
Anyway, on to the Narc stuff... He got back into town on Tuesday night. I knew he was here, but we had no contact. Nevertheless, I woke up with a jolt at 4:00 am, and couldn't go back to sleep for nearly an hour. The next afternoon, I lay in bed, the sun setting outside the window, casting marvelous pinks and reds onto my sheets. I finally decided to read his screenplay. It's the screenplay that changed everything. That screenplay was such a gift to me... my moment of grace.
It's impossible for me to explain in brief what it was about or what it told me. But after reading it, I know this-- Narc loves me. He was present for all of those conversations that he pretended meant nothing. I saw them in the script. Narc loves me. But the script was all about being unable to accept love... control... and being locked away in one's own head with false characters, false ideals, laboring for art projects that never fulfill themselves and ultimately ending alone.
The script was about masks, about truth, reality, God... It was really quite incredible. I underestimated him. It was pretty brilliant. There were a lot of references to Hamlet, Becket and Joyce... Lots of the Joyce stuff was lost on me, as it was primarily Ulysses he was referring to and I never read it...
I'll tell you guys more specifically about the script and about my experience reading it another time.
Anyway, I cried as I read it. I cried and I loved him more and more and more with each page. But also, a strange thing started happening... I began to feel more at peace. I can accept this. I can accept this!
The thing I was having trouble doing was writing Narc off as an asshole and wresting myself from the situation with indignation. I don't think he's an asshole. In fact, I love him wholeheartedly. The thing that I was having trouble doing was walking away from all of this thinking it meant nothing to him... that I had misunderstood the whole time... that I must have been projecting my own emotional issues onto him and playing out my own personal script that had nothing to do with him... How could I accept such a thing?
After reading his script, that all changed. He WAS present with me. He DOES love me. He just CAN'T be with me and it's clear-- he's the one that suffers because of it and he knows it.
I felt loved after reading that script. I felt respected. I felt meaningful. I felt like on those terms, I could accept what he was saying to me-- that he simply can't let himself be loved and as sad as it is, I need to move on.
Can I give him that gift? I certainly need to try.
But I was a little bit of a wreck right when I finished-- a ball of emotions, my heart swinging to and fro inside my chest, perilously hanging from a string, smacking against my tightening lungs... my stomach turning with every breath. I texted him. He wrote back. Here's what was said.
Hyde: Vocatus atque non vocatus-- Deus aderit.
Narc: So you read the script at long last?
Hyde: Yes. And I think I understand. And I cried...
Narc: Do you know what the Latin means?
Hyde: Yes-- called or not called, God is everywhere? Something like that?
Narc: "Bidden or unbidden, the Gods are present." Jung had it carved into stone over the entrance to his house. Hope you liked the script... Somebody has to! (grin)...
Hyde: I really loved it. It had quite an impact. Left me feeling sad but strong, kind of... How was the trip? Married yet?
Narc: Engaged. Tell you about it after class tonight.
That last message left an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. All of my limbs felt shaky. What is there to "tell me about"? Unless it's not a real engagement. Unless it really is just for immigration purposes.
I was running late to choir and couldn't dwell on it much longer. I grabbed my folder, made for the door and ran. Luckily it didn't take me too long to get a cab. I haven't been back to choir since May, and was nervous about making a reappearance. I talked to B on the phone on the way up.
When I was nearly there (with about $12 on the meter), I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I ran out of the house without my purse! I told the driver that he would have to take me home and that I would run up and get some money to pay him. My hands were shaking. I hung up with B and called my therapist. I desperately needed someone to ground me.
I left the cab driver sitting on the street while I raced upstairs for the money. I ended up giving him $25 for absolutely nothing. And I had missed my choir rehearsal at that point! But, I was still on the phone with my therapist trying to work through my feelings.
I remembered that my home group has a Wednesday night meeting that I'd never been to (because I had been going to group on Wednesdays) and that the meeting was only five blocks from my house. Even though I was fifteen minutes late, I ran up there.
I can't even tell you how comforting it was to walk into that room-- it was filled with familiar faces... people who welcome me, who understand how hard this is, who won't judge. It's the first time I really felt "at home" with my home group.
After the meeting, I chatted with a woman I had met on the apple picking trip. I walked her to the bus stop and waited with her until the bus came for her. Then I headed home.
Back at my house, I sat down at my computer, but after ten minutes or so, sitting in my apartment alone in the dark, I started to feel stuck. The walls weren't warm, but ashen. I wanted to drink. I wanted to scream. I wanted to get outside of myself. I wanted to simple move, but I couldn't. I was hungry.
Get up, Hyde. Go get something to eat, I kept telling myself.
But I couldn't.
Get up, Hyde! Get up and go do ANYTHING!
But I couldn't.
I really COULDN'T move out of that chair. I was frozen.
My cell phone lay on the desk nearby. I reached for it, with whatever motivation I could muster and I called my mom.
"Hi, sweetie!" she answered. "What's doing?"
"I can't move, mom," I said. "I need to get up, but I don't feel good and I can't move right now."
I did my best to explain to her what was going on. She stayed on the phone with me until I could get up. She stayed on the phone with me as I walked across the street to the deli to get a bite to eat. She stayed on the phone with me while I ate. And she didn't hang up until I was in a totally different space and ready to go to bed.
I felt incompetent and was beating up on myself for my emotional struggle, but my mom reminded me that I did everything right-- I called my therapist, went to a meeting, connected with an AA woman after the meeting, and called for help when I felt stuck to the chair. When s he said that, I felt better.
I was waiting for things to settle still, though...
That night, Narc never called after his class. I woke up, once again, at 4:00 am in an anxious jolt.
But the next morning, the strangest thing happened. I woke up feeling good. I woke up feeling serene... at peace with myself... with him. I woke up brimming with love for him, but somehow feeling restored. It was incredible. The moment I had been waiting for. I woke up feeling peaceful about "letting go."
I'm not going to get ahead of myself and assume that feeling will last. No... I know it was a rare gift-- one that I have to work to hold on to. But there it was.
I went to check my email shortly after rising, and I had a message from Narc.
Thought this was cute--
http://www.farceofthepenguins.com/
Narc
My translation? I'm thinking of you, but that's all I can say right now.
So, I decided to write back to him honestly.
This thing is taking FOREVER to load. I'm still waiting for it! I know, I know... get a Mac, right?
Anyway, I wanted to tell you again-- I really loved your screenplay. REALLY. It left me pretty shaken up and I was thinking about it all night in my insomnia. You come through so clearly in it and I just wanted to tell you (again!) how much I care about you. Reading it filled me with affection for you. I can't quite put into words the feeling that I have right now, so I don't think I'm going to try. I'll tell you some other time, when the thoughts have formed more coherently. I just love you for you. It gave me a lot to think about.
Anyway, let me know if you want to meet up sometime soon. I still want to go up to the Cloisters if you want to come. And I still want to see Marie Antoinette, despite the bad reviews. So, let me know what's going on with you... please.
that's it for now.
lots of love,
Hyde
I was a little nervous about how forthright I was in my letter, but he responded fairly quickly.
Very, very happy that you liked the piece. Still having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I spent four years of my life on it--but then, if it moves you-- even one person (even just a little bit), then it's all worth it, neh? (Now all I have to do is actually get the thing MADE, and then I'll really be in business...!) (grin)
Going to see "Marie Antoinette" with the D this weekend, but surely we'll hook up at some point soon. Had my first travel essay writing class last night--good stuff, bright students (if not exactly master writers, at least most of them seem to have a fair grasp of narrative voice), very sharp teacher. Looks like I'm slated to be up next Wednesday, which means my Russia essay (probably going for the full 10,000 words, on this one), is due in on Monday (five days hence)! Much writing ahead of me over the next few days, to be sure...
Talk soon, enjoy the penguins (a porcelain penguin--Ptemkin, from Moscow--has been added to the family here in Casa Narc)
--Narc
In my translation of Narc-language, that says: I love you and I'm glad you see me in this script. But I still can't deal with seeing you right now. I need some time.
After that, I headed off to meet Anxious for lunch. We met at the Mac counter at Macy's. That's always dangerous for a makeup junkie like me! I know I looked beautiful that day... I was just feeling it, and I could feel the jealousy radiating from Anxious. I hate that. Sometimes I feel like she preferred when I was hung over and slouchy and I don't know quite what to do with that. Anyway, she thinks BulgarianGuy has a drinking problem, but we only skirted around the issue. She is so defensive.
After lunch, I went to teach. And after teaching, I sat in my office and re-read portions of the screenplay. Incredible. I sent him another email.
Looking at the script again... this time with a copy of Hamlet and what I remember of Stoppard's play. (Words, words, words...) I also googled and got the Becket references in the beginning. I never really read Joyce though. So... although I can venture an academic's patchworked guess, I'd rather hear it from you-- what ABOUT the Molly Bloom Soliloquy?
Narc, you've impressed me. You are such a gift and it's such a rich piece. I'm really enjoying it. But I am hereby declaring that you have to sit down with me and answer my questions at some point. I'll probably have a lot of them, so we'll wait until I get through it a few times.
I haven't gotten to the end this round yet, and I've got to run to a meeting, but I wanted you to know that yes-- it has moved at least one person.
Good luck with your essay. Glad you like the new class. I'm curious to hear your impressions of Moscow... I didn't like it as much as St. Petersburg, but Bezoukhoff loves it.
Give me a ring when you are out of writing mode, I guess. As for me, I am in good spirits today. Yay!
love,
hyde
(Also, not to be obnoxious, but it's the teacher in me and just in case you are sending this copy out to anyone, I noticed a few typos... Let me know if you want me to point them out).
From there, I headed to an AA meeting and then met Brick for dinner.
Brick ended up staying over at my place Thursday night. My good feelings about everything did not fade. But that night, at around 3:30, I got a text from Narc:
You have to read between the lines.
At some point, around 5:00 am, in a blur and half asleep, I wrote back: I know. I'm trying.
There were a few more texts exchanged yesterday, but I don't want to get into all that now, as I have Halloween preparations to begin. I just wanted to give you an explanation of Thursday's burst of contentment.
Have a fabulous weekend everyone!
:)
h
Anyway, on to the Narc stuff... He got back into town on Tuesday night. I knew he was here, but we had no contact. Nevertheless, I woke up with a jolt at 4:00 am, and couldn't go back to sleep for nearly an hour. The next afternoon, I lay in bed, the sun setting outside the window, casting marvelous pinks and reds onto my sheets. I finally decided to read his screenplay. It's the screenplay that changed everything. That screenplay was such a gift to me... my moment of grace.
It's impossible for me to explain in brief what it was about or what it told me. But after reading it, I know this-- Narc loves me. He was present for all of those conversations that he pretended meant nothing. I saw them in the script. Narc loves me. But the script was all about being unable to accept love... control... and being locked away in one's own head with false characters, false ideals, laboring for art projects that never fulfill themselves and ultimately ending alone.
The script was about masks, about truth, reality, God... It was really quite incredible. I underestimated him. It was pretty brilliant. There were a lot of references to Hamlet, Becket and Joyce... Lots of the Joyce stuff was lost on me, as it was primarily Ulysses he was referring to and I never read it...
I'll tell you guys more specifically about the script and about my experience reading it another time.
Anyway, I cried as I read it. I cried and I loved him more and more and more with each page. But also, a strange thing started happening... I began to feel more at peace. I can accept this. I can accept this!
The thing I was having trouble doing was writing Narc off as an asshole and wresting myself from the situation with indignation. I don't think he's an asshole. In fact, I love him wholeheartedly. The thing that I was having trouble doing was walking away from all of this thinking it meant nothing to him... that I had misunderstood the whole time... that I must have been projecting my own emotional issues onto him and playing out my own personal script that had nothing to do with him... How could I accept such a thing?
After reading his script, that all changed. He WAS present with me. He DOES love me. He just CAN'T be with me and it's clear-- he's the one that suffers because of it and he knows it.
I felt loved after reading that script. I felt respected. I felt meaningful. I felt like on those terms, I could accept what he was saying to me-- that he simply can't let himself be loved and as sad as it is, I need to move on.
Can I give him that gift? I certainly need to try.
But I was a little bit of a wreck right when I finished-- a ball of emotions, my heart swinging to and fro inside my chest, perilously hanging from a string, smacking against my tightening lungs... my stomach turning with every breath. I texted him. He wrote back. Here's what was said.
Hyde: Vocatus atque non vocatus-- Deus aderit.
Narc: So you read the script at long last?
Hyde: Yes. And I think I understand. And I cried...
Narc: Do you know what the Latin means?
Hyde: Yes-- called or not called, God is everywhere? Something like that?
Narc: "Bidden or unbidden, the Gods are present." Jung had it carved into stone over the entrance to his house. Hope you liked the script... Somebody has to! (grin)...
Hyde: I really loved it. It had quite an impact. Left me feeling sad but strong, kind of... How was the trip? Married yet?
Narc: Engaged. Tell you about it after class tonight.
That last message left an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. All of my limbs felt shaky. What is there to "tell me about"? Unless it's not a real engagement. Unless it really is just for immigration purposes.
I was running late to choir and couldn't dwell on it much longer. I grabbed my folder, made for the door and ran. Luckily it didn't take me too long to get a cab. I haven't been back to choir since May, and was nervous about making a reappearance. I talked to B on the phone on the way up.
When I was nearly there (with about $12 on the meter), I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I ran out of the house without my purse! I told the driver that he would have to take me home and that I would run up and get some money to pay him. My hands were shaking. I hung up with B and called my therapist. I desperately needed someone to ground me.
I left the cab driver sitting on the street while I raced upstairs for the money. I ended up giving him $25 for absolutely nothing. And I had missed my choir rehearsal at that point! But, I was still on the phone with my therapist trying to work through my feelings.
I remembered that my home group has a Wednesday night meeting that I'd never been to (because I had been going to group on Wednesdays) and that the meeting was only five blocks from my house. Even though I was fifteen minutes late, I ran up there.
I can't even tell you how comforting it was to walk into that room-- it was filled with familiar faces... people who welcome me, who understand how hard this is, who won't judge. It's the first time I really felt "at home" with my home group.
After the meeting, I chatted with a woman I had met on the apple picking trip. I walked her to the bus stop and waited with her until the bus came for her. Then I headed home.
Back at my house, I sat down at my computer, but after ten minutes or so, sitting in my apartment alone in the dark, I started to feel stuck. The walls weren't warm, but ashen. I wanted to drink. I wanted to scream. I wanted to get outside of myself. I wanted to simple move, but I couldn't. I was hungry.
Get up, Hyde. Go get something to eat, I kept telling myself.
But I couldn't.
Get up, Hyde! Get up and go do ANYTHING!
But I couldn't.
I really COULDN'T move out of that chair. I was frozen.
My cell phone lay on the desk nearby. I reached for it, with whatever motivation I could muster and I called my mom.
"Hi, sweetie!" she answered. "What's doing?"
"I can't move, mom," I said. "I need to get up, but I don't feel good and I can't move right now."
I did my best to explain to her what was going on. She stayed on the phone with me until I could get up. She stayed on the phone with me as I walked across the street to the deli to get a bite to eat. She stayed on the phone with me while I ate. And she didn't hang up until I was in a totally different space and ready to go to bed.
I felt incompetent and was beating up on myself for my emotional struggle, but my mom reminded me that I did everything right-- I called my therapist, went to a meeting, connected with an AA woman after the meeting, and called for help when I felt stuck to the chair. When s he said that, I felt better.
I was waiting for things to settle still, though...
That night, Narc never called after his class. I woke up, once again, at 4:00 am in an anxious jolt.
But the next morning, the strangest thing happened. I woke up feeling good. I woke up feeling serene... at peace with myself... with him. I woke up brimming with love for him, but somehow feeling restored. It was incredible. The moment I had been waiting for. I woke up feeling peaceful about "letting go."
I'm not going to get ahead of myself and assume that feeling will last. No... I know it was a rare gift-- one that I have to work to hold on to. But there it was.
I went to check my email shortly after rising, and I had a message from Narc.
Thought this was cute--
http://www.farceofthepenguins.com/
Narc
My translation? I'm thinking of you, but that's all I can say right now.
So, I decided to write back to him honestly.
This thing is taking FOREVER to load. I'm still waiting for it! I know, I know... get a Mac, right?
Anyway, I wanted to tell you again-- I really loved your screenplay. REALLY. It left me pretty shaken up and I was thinking about it all night in my insomnia. You come through so clearly in it and I just wanted to tell you (again!) how much I care about you. Reading it filled me with affection for you. I can't quite put into words the feeling that I have right now, so I don't think I'm going to try. I'll tell you some other time, when the thoughts have formed more coherently. I just love you for you. It gave me a lot to think about.
Anyway, let me know if you want to meet up sometime soon. I still want to go up to the Cloisters if you want to come. And I still want to see Marie Antoinette, despite the bad reviews. So, let me know what's going on with you... please.
that's it for now.
lots of love,
Hyde
I was a little nervous about how forthright I was in my letter, but he responded fairly quickly.
Very, very happy that you liked the piece. Still having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I spent four years of my life on it--but then, if it moves you-- even one person (even just a little bit), then it's all worth it, neh? (Now all I have to do is actually get the thing MADE, and then I'll really be in business...!) (grin)
Going to see "Marie Antoinette" with the D this weekend, but surely we'll hook up at some point soon. Had my first travel essay writing class last night--good stuff, bright students (if not exactly master writers, at least most of them seem to have a fair grasp of narrative voice), very sharp teacher. Looks like I'm slated to be up next Wednesday, which means my Russia essay (probably going for the full 10,000 words, on this one), is due in on Monday (five days hence)! Much writing ahead of me over the next few days, to be sure...
Talk soon, enjoy the penguins (a porcelain penguin--Ptemkin, from Moscow--has been added to the family here in Casa Narc)
--Narc
In my translation of Narc-language, that says: I love you and I'm glad you see me in this script. But I still can't deal with seeing you right now. I need some time.
After that, I headed off to meet Anxious for lunch. We met at the Mac counter at Macy's. That's always dangerous for a makeup junkie like me! I know I looked beautiful that day... I was just feeling it, and I could feel the jealousy radiating from Anxious. I hate that. Sometimes I feel like she preferred when I was hung over and slouchy and I don't know quite what to do with that. Anyway, she thinks BulgarianGuy has a drinking problem, but we only skirted around the issue. She is so defensive.
After lunch, I went to teach. And after teaching, I sat in my office and re-read portions of the screenplay. Incredible. I sent him another email.
Looking at the script again... this time with a copy of Hamlet and what I remember of Stoppard's play. (Words, words, words...) I also googled and got the Becket references in the beginning. I never really read Joyce though. So... although I can venture an academic's patchworked guess, I'd rather hear it from you-- what ABOUT the Molly Bloom Soliloquy?
Narc, you've impressed me. You are such a gift and it's such a rich piece. I'm really enjoying it. But I am hereby declaring that you have to sit down with me and answer my questions at some point. I'll probably have a lot of them, so we'll wait until I get through it a few times.
I haven't gotten to the end this round yet, and I've got to run to a meeting, but I wanted you to know that yes-- it has moved at least one person.
Good luck with your essay. Glad you like the new class. I'm curious to hear your impressions of Moscow... I didn't like it as much as St. Petersburg, but Bezoukhoff loves it.
Give me a ring when you are out of writing mode, I guess. As for me, I am in good spirits today. Yay!
love,
hyde
(Also, not to be obnoxious, but it's the teacher in me and just in case you are sending this copy out to anyone, I noticed a few typos... Let me know if you want me to point them out).
From there, I headed to an AA meeting and then met Brick for dinner.
Brick ended up staying over at my place Thursday night. My good feelings about everything did not fade. But that night, at around 3:30, I got a text from Narc:
You have to read between the lines.
At some point, around 5:00 am, in a blur and half asleep, I wrote back: I know. I'm trying.
There were a few more texts exchanged yesterday, but I don't want to get into all that now, as I have Halloween preparations to begin. I just wanted to give you an explanation of Thursday's burst of contentment.
Have a fabulous weekend everyone!
:)
h
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Schwanegesang
Something amazing is happening. If I'm careful... if I take care of myself now, I might be freed. This might be over. And in a way I'm at peace with.I love Narc so much. I was never wrong about that. And he loves me too.
Even if it's not the ending that I thought it would be, this may all have a happy ending after all. I need to sit tight until these emotional waves subside. Then we'll see what I have to work with...
Narc and I may just be having our swan song.
-h-
VOCATUS ATQUE NON VOCATUS DEUS ADERIT
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Phantasmagoria
So... Where was I? Ah, yes. Narc's announcement of his intention to marry PopStarChick.
I couldn't believe my ears. I smiled at him in spite of the welling pain.
"You're crazy," I laughed. "Absolutely crazy."
I got up out of bed and went into the bathroom to catch my breath and make sure that I stayed composed. I sent a few texts to my confidants...
He's marrying her, I wrote.
Then I went back and got back into bed. Narc was laying in bed again. I had sex with him again. Why? Because I was confused and I obviously have no self esteem.
"Don't marry her," I said. "It's not right. It's not right for you."
"Well, it's not concrete or anything," he answered. "It's not happening this week. We're only scheduling the interview which wouldn't be for another month. I'd have to go back there in another month or so for that."
"Narc, this is crazy! A day ago and you were telling me that you guys weren't even 'exclusive' and that you didn't know if she wanted to date you because she was seeing all of those 'hip-hop executives' before she left town, and now you're engaged?"
"Well, we're kind of boxed in," he laughed.
I could tell he felt really awkward about the whole thing-- as if he suddenly felt stupid once he had bounced the idea off of another person.
"You're not boxed in," I protested.
"I am. If I want to date her, she's gotta be here. And she can't get back in unless I marry her, so..."
"That can't be true!" I insisted. "There has to be another way. What about a student visa? Can't she just enroll somewhere to get back in here?"
"She's not a student; she's a singer," he said, dryly. "I just don't understand why they don't let her come back! I mean, she has a life here-- an apartment, a career... it makes no sense."
"I don't know," I sighed. "But what you're doing doesn't make much sense either. You're going to marry her in order to date her?"
"I kind of promised her that I would... She was really paranoid about going back to Russia, but she hasn't seen her family in two years. So, I told her to go and that if she got stuck, I promised to save her."
"That's ridiculous," I rolled my eyes. "So, you promised to marry her 'just in case,' and then oops! She actually needs you to do it?!?"
I looked at him dubiously.
"Don't look at me like that," he laughed again.
"Like what?"
"Like that! It's not such a bad idea, Hyde..."
"Okay... whatever you say..."
I shot him another look. Then we both lay there in silence.
"So... Is it going to be hard for me to learn Russian?" he asked.
"Why do you have to learn Russian?"
"Because I'm going there this week. Am I going to be able to get around?"
"Russian's not the kind of thing you can learn in a week, Narc. It's a hard language. There are six cases! And especially if you don't know the alphabet."
"What do you mean?"
"Cyrillic..."
I rolled over to the edge of the bed and grabbed my journal up out of my bag.
"I'll show you," I said.
I turned over onto my stomach, writing his name out for him in Cyrillic.
"That's my name?" he raised his eyebrows. "I'm gonna die over there!"
"It's only for a week! And you're going to visit a native. Plus you'll be in Moscow. I'm sure they're used to foreign visitors by now... You'll be fine. Wanna see my name?"
I spelled my name out in Cyrillic as well.
"Let me write your name for you in Japanese," he said.
He took the pen and drew something out.
"I haven't done this stuff in so long... I think that's right, though."
Anyway, the rest of the afternoon kind of went on like that... I felt close to him. Intimate. But with a pulsing nauseated pain in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to freeze time. I could feel myself disappearing... like that scene in Back to the Future when Marty's hand starts to fade. Everything in me was fading...as if I didn't exist without my "Narc-narrative."
I didn't want to leave his side, even though I had to teach in the morning. By the time we migrated into the living room, though, it was dark out. So... we ended up back in bed.
"Don't get married," I said, after we had sex again.
He didn't answer. I sighed.
"So... I guess this is the last time I'm going to come see you like this," I said tentatively. "I mean, if you're married, I can't sleep with you anymore. This is all over..."
"I don't know what's going to happen," he answered. "I really don't. I doubt this is going to be the last time that I see you, Hyde! I mean, who knows how things are going to work out between me and PopStarChick!"
(Inside, I was starting to boil-- so, everything between me and Narc has to hinge on whether or not PopStarChick wants him? ARGHH!!!! On the outside, I smiled at him. Classic Hyde.)
"You know that I love you, right?"
"I love you too," he said, kissing me. "I really do. And I promise I won't get married this week. Like I said-- I don't even know if it's going to work out between us."
"Why would you marry her then?"
"She doesn't have the time for me," he went on, ignoring my question. "When we were in Florida, I asked her about those parties she goes to for 'work'-- where she stays out until 4:00 in the morning with all those rappers... why I wouldn't be invited along, etc. She said that it's important for her career to appear single. I asked her what she's doing with them... She seemed casual about it all."
I just lay there listening to him.
"I asked her if that meant that I could fuck around with the actresses and models I'll be auditioning for my movies, and she said it was fine. 'Fuck whoever you want,' she said. 'Just don't fall in love.' So... I don't know how she feels about things."
This was all very interesting for me. First of all, Narc is a Romantic, like me (even though he insists he's a classicist and that I won't love his screenplay as much as he does because it's 'too classical' for my tastes). And second of all, it is SO FUCKING CLEAR that she is using him for marriage but wants nothing to do with a relationship! Why doesn't he see that? I certainly wasn't going to press the issue. I just snuggled him and listened.
"When she was here," he continued, "I only saw her every ten days or so. She's so hard core about her career. It's like she doesn't really have time. But if we're going to be really serious with each other, I want a real relationship-- someone to spend time with, you know? She would have to put more into it..."
"Don't get married!" I laughed, climbing out of bed and pulling on my clothes. I wanted to end the conversation.
"Going somewhere?" he asked.
"Maybe we should get out of the house? Get some ice cream or something?"
He agreed. It must have been 11:00 pm or so at this point.
My original plan was to pick up some Ben & Jerry's, but Narc decided he wanted to go to the Blaue Gans instead. So, that's where we went. My dessert was truly amazing-- some delightful concoction of homemade hazelnut ice cream, caramel sauce and meringue.
It was the conversation that we had over ice cream that has been sticking with me all week. I can't remember it clearly enough to really approximate it here on the blog. I don't think I want to. Why not? Because it wasn't scripted for once. Narc and I were both being real. We talked about real things. Our personal existential crises, our fear of change. We both acknowledged that we are addicted, in a way, to each other, but that it's not what we want.
"Don't get married," I said.
"Why not?" he smiled.
"Because... And this is really none of my business, Narc... But I love you. And... Well... I see you, Narc. And I know that you have a huge well of stuff inside of you-- an enormous spiritual tangle."
"You could put it that way," he said grimly.
"And... I don't know..." I was starting to flounder. "It's just that... since I've known you there have been points when you've been sad... really sad. And you've known her now for over a year. But you never considered her a support in those times. I remember you saying that if you died, only CouchSleeper and I would miss you... and that you had no one to call. If you couldn't even call her as a friend when you were sad, how can you depend on her?"
"I don't know," he said quietly.
"I mean... can you lean on her? Will she be there for you? That's all..."
"Yes, I can," he said with sudden new strength. "She's great."
"Okay. Well, I just worry about you."
He didn't answer.
"And also, Narc... if I can't see you anymore... I mean, if this all works out in a way in which you and I aren't in touch... I want you to know that if you ever really need me that you can call me. I will always be there for you." I could feel the tears coming up in my eyes, a tight sob in my throat. I could feel my cheeks turning red. "You will always have a place in my heart no matter where I am in the world..."
He looked at me strangely.
"Thanks," he said.
There was a pregnant pause.
"But that's not gonna happen," he laughed, again suddenly. "We're not gonna fall out of touch."
"If you get married, I don't see how we can continue on like this..."
"We can be friends," he smiled, taking a spoonful of ice cream.
"Friends?"
"Friends."
"But Narc! If we're going to be friends, we have to be really friends."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know! Just that, if I'm your friend, it shouldn't be a problem for me to hang out with your other friends! For me to be invited to your events... for us to exist in a world outside of the secret bubble of late night rendezvous in your apartment. I mean, if we're really just friends, at some point, I should be able to hang out with you and your girlfriend! Otherwise, it's not a clean relationship."
"I don't know if that's ever going to happen," he answered. "I don't think I would want the two of you hanging out."
"Well, that's exactly my point. And I can't sit around waiting to see how it's going to turn out for you."
"I just wish you had some fabulous guy, and I were happy with PopStarChick and we could go on in each other's lives," he said.
"Well, some 'fabulous guy' won't be happening for me anytime soon."
"Why not? I thought you were dating and stuff?"
"That was back in February, Narc! I can't... I just can't do it right now. Like I told you a few weeks ago-- I can't have sex with anyone else when I love you. I have no interest in anyone else. TT is still floating around with persistence, and all I can feel is a sort of pity that he doesn't give up."
"That's no good, Hyde. You need to find someone who wants to give you everything you deserve."
"I guess I'm just not so good at accepting love. It's hard for me to let myself be loved."
"I'm the same way," he said.
"Yeah... I know," I laughed.
"I'm not marrying her this week," he insisted again. "I'll email you when I get there. I promise. I'll let you know what's going on."
"And when you're back?"
"I'll call you when I'm back. I promise. I'll keep you posted. Nothing's happening yet. I don't know," he went on. "Either this is something real or she's the most amazing actress I've ever met."
"I wouldn't put it past her, Narc... it's a little convenient."
"No," he said to himself. "It can't be that. She has no guile in her."
He must have known he was lying to himself. Meanwhile, in the middle of all this, my phone rang. It was Brick and so I picked it up.
"Did you leave his place?" he asked.
"No. I'm still there."
Brick was very upset that I had stuck around with Narc. He thought it was really bad for my self-esteem and awful for my sobriety. Not to mention the fact that since I had met up with Narc on Saturday, I hadn't called my sponsor or gone to a meeting. Brick kept insisting that I leave Narc's place.
"We're out for ice cream right now. I'll call you back," I said.
When I hung up with Brick, Narc asked what it was all about.
"He doesn't think I should be here," I told him flat out. "He thinks it's bad for my self esteem and bad for my sobriety."
"Bad for your sobriety? That's ridiculous, Hyde! We're not even drinking!"
"No, but this all makes me sad... And being sad brings me closer to drinking."
"Did you tell Brick about the marriage thing?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, God! He must think I'm a terrible person... the most awful person!"
"It doesn't matter what Brick thinks," I said, trying to soothe him. But I was glad that Narc knows how fucked up this looks from an outside perspective.
Anyway, Brick called me back a few minutes later, even more insistent that I leave.
"Do I have to come down there and get you, Hyde?" he demanded.
"No! I'm fine."
I was starting to get annoyed.
"But this is not putting sobriety first," he said.
"I don't care," I retorted. "I'm doing this anyway."
That scares me, but it was the truth.
Finally, I managed to get Brick to leave me alone by promising to call my sponsor. As it was already around 1:00 am, I decided to spend the night with Narc again and go straight to teaching from there. Luckily, I had left my lecture notes in the office, so there was no need to stop back at my place (except the fact that I was wearing the same clothes from Saturday!).
Back at the apartment, we watched a little TV and then climbed into bed together. I felt so close to him. More sex. But there was a gnawing voice in the back of my head, screaming to be heard, but muffled as if buried in mounds of soft dirt.
Get OUT, Hyde! Get OUT! it said. This isn't good enough for you. This hurts, it hurts, it FUCKING HURTS!!!!! IT HUUUUUUUUURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to keep that voice away. I didn't want to know how much it hurt. That voice made it hard for me to breathe... made me want to cut myself. I didn't like it. I stifled it, snuggling down into Narc's side. I went to sleep.
The next morning, I got up bright and early. I went about getting dressed. While I was drying my hair, Narc came into the bathroom, in a daze. For a moment, I forgot that he expected me to leave. Narc got back into bed. I finished my hair.
I wrote him a note and left it on his wallet before I kissed him goodbye.
Narc,
Have a safe trip. Please be careful with your heart.
Let me know where things are at.
Love you,
Hyde.
I took a picture of myself with my cell phone. I was still afraid that I might disappear.
For the rest of the day (Monday), I did my best to pretend that I was sane and not dying on the insides. I got through teaching two classes and then a visit to the gynecologist (yuck!) where I had some good news, of a nature not to be discussed on this blog. Then I had therapy at 4:00.
My therapist poked at this. She confronted my repression. I didn't like it. I felt strangely cold and cracking at the same time. When the hour was up, I was a wreck.
"I think you need some more time," she said. "Can you come back at 7:00?"
"Yeah."
"You're okay," she reassured me. "You're in survival mode. You'll deal with this when you're ready to."
I left there bewildered. The wind was biting at my cheeks and the hordes of people on 34th street bustled about like an alien species. I felt like I was seeing things... spinning. I couldn't get my mind to focus. And that crushing feeling in my chest was only getting worse. I didn't want to be alone.
I remembered that Bezoukhoff is often at the library these days, and as my therapy is very near to school, I gave him a call. He was, in fact, nearby and agreed to meet me for dinner, as I had two hours to kill. We went for Korean food. Bezoukhoff again insisted on paying for me. I told him that he has a real problem. After all, he had just bought me all that sheet music on the previous Saturday and was refusing to take payment for the books I got at Barnes & Noble that he had put on his card.
"Just consider it practice for letting someone treat you well," he said.
"It makes me uncomfortable," I mumbled. "But thanks. I really do appreciate it."
After that, we went out for bubble tea and red bean buns. While we were eating, my mom called with an update about my prior therapist. I don't know if you recall, but things ended badly between us, and as my mom owes her some money, she filed a law suit. The amount of money is minimal, and she made no attempts to collect it in a normal way, so all of this is clearly for spite. My mom is a lawyer and was so pissed off about all of it that she reacted by trying to make things as difficult for my therapist as possible.
"You won't believe it!" my mom exclaimed on the phone. "She's a fucking bitch! And she was supposed to be there for you?!?! The lawyer just called me... he said that he knows that you are working so they can garnish your wages. I told him that you're on a teaching fellowship. He can't sue me for anything. But can you believe her? She knows you're in recovery! All of this could have been done nicely. This is all her issue!"
I felt like I was going to collapse. That was the last straw.
"Mom, I don't want to hear about this right now!"
"I thought you would find it amusing..."
"Amusing? How is it amusing that a woman that I trusted for nine years is showing no tenderness towards me at all?!?"
"Honey... is something wrong?"
"Yes, something's wrong! Narc is going to marry a Russian whore! And he only told me after I slept with him!"
Well... that left my mom speechless. I don't ever confide in my mom about what's going on with me.
"I don't know if this will help, but--" she began.
"No, mom. It won't help," I interrupted. "You can't fix this. I know you want to, but you can't. And I really don't want to talk about. I just didn't want to lie either. I'm sick of lying and pretending to be okay."
"Where are you now?"
"With Bezoukhoff, going back for another hour of therapy in a few."
"Ok. Well, call me when you get home, sweetie... just to check in, alright? We don't have to talk about anything in particular at all."
So, that was Monday. Tuesday was miserable. I sent Narc a text:
Don't get married, I wrote.
Not committing to anything this trip out, he answered. Saw Lucas on Colbert's green screen challenge. Good stuff.
I couldn't believe my ears. I smiled at him in spite of the welling pain.
"You're crazy," I laughed. "Absolutely crazy."
I got up out of bed and went into the bathroom to catch my breath and make sure that I stayed composed. I sent a few texts to my confidants...
He's marrying her, I wrote.
Then I went back and got back into bed. Narc was laying in bed again. I had sex with him again. Why? Because I was confused and I obviously have no self esteem.
"Don't marry her," I said. "It's not right. It's not right for you."
"Well, it's not concrete or anything," he answered. "It's not happening this week. We're only scheduling the interview which wouldn't be for another month. I'd have to go back there in another month or so for that."
"Narc, this is crazy! A day ago and you were telling me that you guys weren't even 'exclusive' and that you didn't know if she wanted to date you because she was seeing all of those 'hip-hop executives' before she left town, and now you're engaged?"
"Well, we're kind of boxed in," he laughed.
I could tell he felt really awkward about the whole thing-- as if he suddenly felt stupid once he had bounced the idea off of another person.
"You're not boxed in," I protested.
"I am. If I want to date her, she's gotta be here. And she can't get back in unless I marry her, so..."
"That can't be true!" I insisted. "There has to be another way. What about a student visa? Can't she just enroll somewhere to get back in here?"
"She's not a student; she's a singer," he said, dryly. "I just don't understand why they don't let her come back! I mean, she has a life here-- an apartment, a career... it makes no sense."
"I don't know," I sighed. "But what you're doing doesn't make much sense either. You're going to marry her in order to date her?"
"I kind of promised her that I would... She was really paranoid about going back to Russia, but she hasn't seen her family in two years. So, I told her to go and that if she got stuck, I promised to save her."
"That's ridiculous," I rolled my eyes. "So, you promised to marry her 'just in case,' and then oops! She actually needs you to do it?!?"
I looked at him dubiously.
"Don't look at me like that," he laughed again.
"Like what?"
"Like that! It's not such a bad idea, Hyde..."
"Okay... whatever you say..."
I shot him another look. Then we both lay there in silence.
"So... Is it going to be hard for me to learn Russian?" he asked.
"Why do you have to learn Russian?"
"Because I'm going there this week. Am I going to be able to get around?"
"Russian's not the kind of thing you can learn in a week, Narc. It's a hard language. There are six cases! And especially if you don't know the alphabet."
"What do you mean?"
"Cyrillic..."
I rolled over to the edge of the bed and grabbed my journal up out of my bag.
"I'll show you," I said.
I turned over onto my stomach, writing his name out for him in Cyrillic.
"That's my name?" he raised his eyebrows. "I'm gonna die over there!"
"It's only for a week! And you're going to visit a native. Plus you'll be in Moscow. I'm sure they're used to foreign visitors by now... You'll be fine. Wanna see my name?"
I spelled my name out in Cyrillic as well.
"Let me write your name for you in Japanese," he said.
He took the pen and drew something out.
"I haven't done this stuff in so long... I think that's right, though."
Anyway, the rest of the afternoon kind of went on like that... I felt close to him. Intimate. But with a pulsing nauseated pain in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to freeze time. I could feel myself disappearing... like that scene in Back to the Future when Marty's hand starts to fade. Everything in me was fading...as if I didn't exist without my "Narc-narrative."
I didn't want to leave his side, even though I had to teach in the morning. By the time we migrated into the living room, though, it was dark out. So... we ended up back in bed.
"Don't get married," I said, after we had sex again.
He didn't answer. I sighed.
"So... I guess this is the last time I'm going to come see you like this," I said tentatively. "I mean, if you're married, I can't sleep with you anymore. This is all over..."
"I don't know what's going to happen," he answered. "I really don't. I doubt this is going to be the last time that I see you, Hyde! I mean, who knows how things are going to work out between me and PopStarChick!"
(Inside, I was starting to boil-- so, everything between me and Narc has to hinge on whether or not PopStarChick wants him? ARGHH!!!! On the outside, I smiled at him. Classic Hyde.)
"You know that I love you, right?"
"I love you too," he said, kissing me. "I really do. And I promise I won't get married this week. Like I said-- I don't even know if it's going to work out between us."
"Why would you marry her then?"
"She doesn't have the time for me," he went on, ignoring my question. "When we were in Florida, I asked her about those parties she goes to for 'work'-- where she stays out until 4:00 in the morning with all those rappers... why I wouldn't be invited along, etc. She said that it's important for her career to appear single. I asked her what she's doing with them... She seemed casual about it all."
I just lay there listening to him.
"I asked her if that meant that I could fuck around with the actresses and models I'll be auditioning for my movies, and she said it was fine. 'Fuck whoever you want,' she said. 'Just don't fall in love.' So... I don't know how she feels about things."
This was all very interesting for me. First of all, Narc is a Romantic, like me (even though he insists he's a classicist and that I won't love his screenplay as much as he does because it's 'too classical' for my tastes). And second of all, it is SO FUCKING CLEAR that she is using him for marriage but wants nothing to do with a relationship! Why doesn't he see that? I certainly wasn't going to press the issue. I just snuggled him and listened.
"When she was here," he continued, "I only saw her every ten days or so. She's so hard core about her career. It's like she doesn't really have time. But if we're going to be really serious with each other, I want a real relationship-- someone to spend time with, you know? She would have to put more into it..."
"Don't get married!" I laughed, climbing out of bed and pulling on my clothes. I wanted to end the conversation.
"Going somewhere?" he asked.
"Maybe we should get out of the house? Get some ice cream or something?"
He agreed. It must have been 11:00 pm or so at this point.
My original plan was to pick up some Ben & Jerry's, but Narc decided he wanted to go to the Blaue Gans instead. So, that's where we went. My dessert was truly amazing-- some delightful concoction of homemade hazelnut ice cream, caramel sauce and meringue.
It was the conversation that we had over ice cream that has been sticking with me all week. I can't remember it clearly enough to really approximate it here on the blog. I don't think I want to. Why not? Because it wasn't scripted for once. Narc and I were both being real. We talked about real things. Our personal existential crises, our fear of change. We both acknowledged that we are addicted, in a way, to each other, but that it's not what we want.
"Don't get married," I said.
"Why not?" he smiled.
"Because... And this is really none of my business, Narc... But I love you. And... Well... I see you, Narc. And I know that you have a huge well of stuff inside of you-- an enormous spiritual tangle."
"You could put it that way," he said grimly.
"And... I don't know..." I was starting to flounder. "It's just that... since I've known you there have been points when you've been sad... really sad. And you've known her now for over a year. But you never considered her a support in those times. I remember you saying that if you died, only CouchSleeper and I would miss you... and that you had no one to call. If you couldn't even call her as a friend when you were sad, how can you depend on her?"
"I don't know," he said quietly.
"I mean... can you lean on her? Will she be there for you? That's all..."
"Yes, I can," he said with sudden new strength. "She's great."
"Okay. Well, I just worry about you."
He didn't answer.
"And also, Narc... if I can't see you anymore... I mean, if this all works out in a way in which you and I aren't in touch... I want you to know that if you ever really need me that you can call me. I will always be there for you." I could feel the tears coming up in my eyes, a tight sob in my throat. I could feel my cheeks turning red. "You will always have a place in my heart no matter where I am in the world..."
He looked at me strangely.
"Thanks," he said.
There was a pregnant pause.
"But that's not gonna happen," he laughed, again suddenly. "We're not gonna fall out of touch."
"If you get married, I don't see how we can continue on like this..."
"We can be friends," he smiled, taking a spoonful of ice cream.
"Friends?"
"Friends."
"But Narc! If we're going to be friends, we have to be really friends."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know! Just that, if I'm your friend, it shouldn't be a problem for me to hang out with your other friends! For me to be invited to your events... for us to exist in a world outside of the secret bubble of late night rendezvous in your apartment. I mean, if we're really just friends, at some point, I should be able to hang out with you and your girlfriend! Otherwise, it's not a clean relationship."
"I don't know if that's ever going to happen," he answered. "I don't think I would want the two of you hanging out."
"Well, that's exactly my point. And I can't sit around waiting to see how it's going to turn out for you."
"I just wish you had some fabulous guy, and I were happy with PopStarChick and we could go on in each other's lives," he said.
"Well, some 'fabulous guy' won't be happening for me anytime soon."
"Why not? I thought you were dating and stuff?"
"That was back in February, Narc! I can't... I just can't do it right now. Like I told you a few weeks ago-- I can't have sex with anyone else when I love you. I have no interest in anyone else. TT is still floating around with persistence, and all I can feel is a sort of pity that he doesn't give up."
"That's no good, Hyde. You need to find someone who wants to give you everything you deserve."
"I guess I'm just not so good at accepting love. It's hard for me to let myself be loved."
"I'm the same way," he said.
"Yeah... I know," I laughed.
"I'm not marrying her this week," he insisted again. "I'll email you when I get there. I promise. I'll let you know what's going on."
"And when you're back?"
"I'll call you when I'm back. I promise. I'll keep you posted. Nothing's happening yet. I don't know," he went on. "Either this is something real or she's the most amazing actress I've ever met."
"I wouldn't put it past her, Narc... it's a little convenient."
"No," he said to himself. "It can't be that. She has no guile in her."
He must have known he was lying to himself. Meanwhile, in the middle of all this, my phone rang. It was Brick and so I picked it up.
"Did you leave his place?" he asked.
"No. I'm still there."
Brick was very upset that I had stuck around with Narc. He thought it was really bad for my self-esteem and awful for my sobriety. Not to mention the fact that since I had met up with Narc on Saturday, I hadn't called my sponsor or gone to a meeting. Brick kept insisting that I leave Narc's place.
"We're out for ice cream right now. I'll call you back," I said.
When I hung up with Brick, Narc asked what it was all about.
"He doesn't think I should be here," I told him flat out. "He thinks it's bad for my self esteem and bad for my sobriety."
"Bad for your sobriety? That's ridiculous, Hyde! We're not even drinking!"
"No, but this all makes me sad... And being sad brings me closer to drinking."
"Did you tell Brick about the marriage thing?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, God! He must think I'm a terrible person... the most awful person!"
"It doesn't matter what Brick thinks," I said, trying to soothe him. But I was glad that Narc knows how fucked up this looks from an outside perspective.
Anyway, Brick called me back a few minutes later, even more insistent that I leave.
"Do I have to come down there and get you, Hyde?" he demanded.
"No! I'm fine."
I was starting to get annoyed.
"But this is not putting sobriety first," he said.
"I don't care," I retorted. "I'm doing this anyway."
That scares me, but it was the truth.
Finally, I managed to get Brick to leave me alone by promising to call my sponsor. As it was already around 1:00 am, I decided to spend the night with Narc again and go straight to teaching from there. Luckily, I had left my lecture notes in the office, so there was no need to stop back at my place (except the fact that I was wearing the same clothes from Saturday!).
Back at the apartment, we watched a little TV and then climbed into bed together. I felt so close to him. More sex. But there was a gnawing voice in the back of my head, screaming to be heard, but muffled as if buried in mounds of soft dirt.
Get OUT, Hyde! Get OUT! it said. This isn't good enough for you. This hurts, it hurts, it FUCKING HURTS!!!!! IT HUUUUUUUUURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to keep that voice away. I didn't want to know how much it hurt. That voice made it hard for me to breathe... made me want to cut myself. I didn't like it. I stifled it, snuggling down into Narc's side. I went to sleep.
The next morning, I got up bright and early. I went about getting dressed. While I was drying my hair, Narc came into the bathroom, in a daze. For a moment, I forgot that he expected me to leave. Narc got back into bed. I finished my hair.
I wrote him a note and left it on his wallet before I kissed him goodbye.
Narc,
Have a safe trip. Please be careful with your heart.
Let me know where things are at.
Love you,
Hyde.
I took a picture of myself with my cell phone. I was still afraid that I might disappear.
For the rest of the day (Monday), I did my best to pretend that I was sane and not dying on the insides. I got through teaching two classes and then a visit to the gynecologist (yuck!) where I had some good news, of a nature not to be discussed on this blog. Then I had therapy at 4:00.
My therapist poked at this. She confronted my repression. I didn't like it. I felt strangely cold and cracking at the same time. When the hour was up, I was a wreck.
"I think you need some more time," she said. "Can you come back at 7:00?"
"Yeah."
"You're okay," she reassured me. "You're in survival mode. You'll deal with this when you're ready to."
I left there bewildered. The wind was biting at my cheeks and the hordes of people on 34th street bustled about like an alien species. I felt like I was seeing things... spinning. I couldn't get my mind to focus. And that crushing feeling in my chest was only getting worse. I didn't want to be alone.
I remembered that Bezoukhoff is often at the library these days, and as my therapy is very near to school, I gave him a call. He was, in fact, nearby and agreed to meet me for dinner, as I had two hours to kill. We went for Korean food. Bezoukhoff again insisted on paying for me. I told him that he has a real problem. After all, he had just bought me all that sheet music on the previous Saturday and was refusing to take payment for the books I got at Barnes & Noble that he had put on his card.
"Just consider it practice for letting someone treat you well," he said.
"It makes me uncomfortable," I mumbled. "But thanks. I really do appreciate it."
After that, we went out for bubble tea and red bean buns. While we were eating, my mom called with an update about my prior therapist. I don't know if you recall, but things ended badly between us, and as my mom owes her some money, she filed a law suit. The amount of money is minimal, and she made no attempts to collect it in a normal way, so all of this is clearly for spite. My mom is a lawyer and was so pissed off about all of it that she reacted by trying to make things as difficult for my therapist as possible.
"You won't believe it!" my mom exclaimed on the phone. "She's a fucking bitch! And she was supposed to be there for you?!?! The lawyer just called me... he said that he knows that you are working so they can garnish your wages. I told him that you're on a teaching fellowship. He can't sue me for anything. But can you believe her? She knows you're in recovery! All of this could have been done nicely. This is all her issue!"
I felt like I was going to collapse. That was the last straw.
"Mom, I don't want to hear about this right now!"
"I thought you would find it amusing..."
"Amusing? How is it amusing that a woman that I trusted for nine years is showing no tenderness towards me at all?!?"
"Honey... is something wrong?"
"Yes, something's wrong! Narc is going to marry a Russian whore! And he only told me after I slept with him!"
Well... that left my mom speechless. I don't ever confide in my mom about what's going on with me.
"I don't know if this will help, but--" she began.
"No, mom. It won't help," I interrupted. "You can't fix this. I know you want to, but you can't. And I really don't want to talk about. I just didn't want to lie either. I'm sick of lying and pretending to be okay."
"Where are you now?"
"With Bezoukhoff, going back for another hour of therapy in a few."
"Ok. Well, call me when you get home, sweetie... just to check in, alright? We don't have to talk about anything in particular at all."
So, that was Monday. Tuesday was miserable. I sent Narc a text:
Don't get married, I wrote.
Not committing to anything this trip out, he answered. Saw Lucas on Colbert's green screen challenge. Good stuff.
Ok. I am just worried about you. Because I love you, I wrote. Glad you caught the Colbert. :)
And that was that.
At 7:20, when his plane left, I was at an AA meeting. It hurt.
After the meeting, I desperately wanted to go home and isolate, but I pushed myself. I went out with the same group of women I had dined with the Tuesday before. I was glad I did it. It helped.
But, nothing could help completely.
Anyway, that completes my sorely needed catch-up blogging.
As for what's been going on this week? It's been crazy. I feel crazy.
B told me that Tower Records at Lincoln Square is closing because Tower has gone out of business. It made me inexplicably sad. Well... actually, more anxious than sad. B and I used to browse around there all the time, as when we lived together, we were on West 71st Street. I felt like if the store disappeared, so would I. My whole life-- an illusion. I made us pay a visit to Tower for one last browse around the Classical section, playing all of the silly word-games we used to play. I made him take a picture of me next to the faded cardboard cut-out of Maria Callas. (Apparently, I'm not the only one in mourning for their fabulous classical section!)
Later on in the week, he told me that La Caridad was closing down, too-- a restaurant we used to frequent all the time. So, yesterday, we went back there for lunch, induced by the same nostalgic panic in me. Luckily, the restaurant is not closing, but merely downsized.
When B came over to my house the other day with takeout food, I wanted him to say the ritual thing he always used to say while unloading the food from the bag. Why? I don't know.
And then, yesterday, I went ahead and emailed OldChoirMan, dragging up all of that shit from the past into my heart all over again.
I've been thinking about this in therapy, and it's strange... I feel like all I am is narrative. And if you remove the narratives, and peel back the layers, there is nothing there. I don't exist at the core. And that's why I'm so terrified to let go of Narc. He is my narrative right now. It's also why I blog. And yet, as soon as something disappears into the past, I barely believe that it happened. My mind, my memory, my reality, all of it blurs in phantasmagoria. If I don't remember dates, if I don't save things, (ice cream lids, matchbooks, drunken notes), I don't believe it happened. If it's not reinforced for me over and over, I am so easily convinced to discard reality. Reality doesn't matter to me. If Narc says that he has stopped drinking, even though I saw him drink the day before, I congratulate him. It's crazy. Sometimes I think that if B moved away because of a job and we lost touch and he told me that"it's normal" because we were never that close to begin with, I might be fooled into believing him. I don't trust myself at all. Either that, or I don't care. I've always thought of myself as a strong woman, a survivor, with an eccentric character and strong interests. But what I'm finding is that it is all an illusion. If I stop pretending, I'm nothing. And that scares the shit out of me.
Anyway, I'll leave you with a verse from Pierrot's Tanzlied, an aria from the opera I saw last week.
I followed [him], my wonderful sweetheart,
and I learned to kiss from tears
Intoxication and misery,
Ah, this is a clown's destiny.
My yearning, my obsession,
they take me back in dreams.
PS: I know he got back into town last night. Haven't heard from him... Not a word. And he never replied to my email. I'm sitting tight.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Skeletons
I've been feeling strange. I don't know what I'm doing half the time.
Last night I went into Sephora and bought a lipstick and lip-liner for myself. I also bought an eyeshadow for Meema, my sober sister, for her 6-month anniversary. (It was Lorac-- the color? "Serenity." Cute, right?) Anyway, before I knew it, I had spent $60 on makeup! Then I went into Old Navy and spent another $60 and another $30 at H&M. Something is up. I'm getting desperate.
Wanna hear another sign of desperation? (And this surely this can't be healthy... or CAN it?) I sent an email to my old choir director... the one I have all the "issues" with. I don't know how much I've ever said about that on this blog, but it's a long story. That chapter has been closed, and for the best. But here I go, cracking it open again. WHY??? Here's what I wrote:
Hi -------,
I'm just writing to say hello and to see you how you are. It's funny-- one of my close friends lives out near you in NJ and has two older sisters who went to [the school where you teach]. (The Brick's. Do you know them?) I visited their house this summer a few times and passed right by the school. So, I thought of getting in touch once or twice, but never quite got around to it.
I guess I'm getting a little nostalgic these days because believe it or not, this year is the 10 year annviersary of when I started at Columbia. B and I met at the New Member Welcome and I have it recorded in my journal as October 30, 1996. We are going back to S next week to celebrate a "friendship anniversary."
Things are going pretty well for me these days. I am still working on my PhD and teaching at --------. I've been singing with the Russian Chamber Choir and was taking voice lessons up through the spring, but have taken a few months off for a bunch of reasons. (For one thing, I quit drinking completely and have been in AA, etc. It has been a real struggle and has taken a lot of change on my part.)
I am thinking about looking around for a new teacher, or at least singing for some people, so if you have any advice in that regard, I would appreciate it. My voice has opened up a lot. It's pretty sizeable and I have a pretty strong soprano range, but I'm still not sure where it will eventually settle. I think my biggest problems are still techinical issues.
Anyway, I hope that this letter finds you well! I really miss the days of choir. GoldenFinch just had a baby boy (well... five months ago) and I went out to visit her and we sang "Lift Thine Eyes" and a whole lot of the Requiem all for the delight of a very fussy baby who occassionally tried to accompany us by banging on the piano. Perhaps he was moved by the spirit of Mozart.
In any case, all of the music that we did back then is still very much with me... a part of me. It was a real gift. So, thanks for that.
Best wishes,
Hyde
I am a strange, strange girl-- dragging skeletons out of the closet. First I am dreaming about a marriage to a corpse, now I'm making out with an old skeleton. I wanna say "I suck," but I know that can't be good for my mental health either. Ugh! We'll just have to wait and see. I wonder if he'll even reply.
Anyway, on with the rest of my "catch up" blogging...
So, I "backwards blogged" most of the last week, but I think I'll fill in the rest by going in chronological time. Where does that put me? Telling you all the story of what happened from when I got to Narc's house on Saturday night (October 14th) and the following Tuesday (October 17th-- one week ago today).
I'm going to make it brief, as it is still blowing my mind to think about it...
So... I got there. Narc was drunk. He was sitting near an open window, smoking. He was wearing a leather jacket over a crumpled button down shirt that was half open. He stumbled when he came to greet me. And when he stuck his tounge in my mouth, he tasted like whiskey and cigarettes.
"You just missed Michael," he said. His speech was slurred. "He just left."
We sat down on the couch and I curled up into the corner. He pulled me over onto him. I think Conan was on TV. Or South Park or something.
Anyway, it was a pretty amazing night. He kept telling me that he loves me and kissing me very sweetly and passionately. It was strange sex, though. Almost as if we both knew that something was at stake, but that we could do nothing about it. He wanted to be really careful and kept saying so. I wasn't sure what he meant by that.
"I should get a condom. I should get a condom," he kept saying.
I was a little confused, as we weren't really up to that part yet.
"I don't know what you're worried about, Narc," I said. "I haven't slept with anyone else."
"No! It's not that... I don't want to hurt you... to do this to you again."
He was kind of incoherent, but I waited for him to get the condom.
Later, while he was kissing me, he stopped and said that he felt guilty.
"Why?"
"We shouldn't be doing this," he said. "We're being bad... bad."
"Well, it's a little too late now. You might as well finish what you started."
I don't like when one of us falls out of "denial-mode" while the other is still in it!
Anyway, that was Saturday night. We didn't rest until after dawn, and I felt blissfully safe there. I don't know how my mind manages that.
The next morning, I woke up and felt close to him. We had a lot more sex. Then we just layed in bed all afternoon, until 2:00 pm or so. Narc pulled his penguins off the shelf. He gave me Pushkin to play with.
"I always play with Pushkin," he commented. "I wonder if Onegin and the others get jealous."
"Maybe you should show them some more love," I laughed.
He stuck the little one between my breasts. It was strange. It's the kind of casual, comfortable thing I used to do with B. Narc and I don't usually break it down that way. We just lay there talking. He had an '80s mix playing.
"This is my 'must learn on guitar playlist,'" he noted.
I looked at his bookshelf.
"You have two of the exact same books," I commented. "Culture Shock: Japan."
"Japan was a culture shock. I wonder how it'll be when I go to Russia."
"Are you really going to Russia?"
He hopped out of bed and pulled a few forms out from under the passport resting on his desk.
"Check it out," he smiled.
They were visa approval documents.
"Very nice," I answered. My voice was flat. I wanted to change the subject.
"And this one, too!" he grinned, waving another paper at me.
"Yeah, I saw it," I mumbled, repositioning myself.
"No. Not this one! Take a look!"
He pushed the paper over to me. I skimmed it.
What?
Wait-- WHAT?!?!?!
Yup... as you guys all know by now, it was an application for marriage for him and PopStarChick. I couldn't believe my eyes. I suddenly felt dirty and gross and less than a speck of dust and I wished that I weren't lying there naked in his bed, but I didn't make a move. I stayed there.
"You're getting married?!?!"
My chest was tight. I tried not to give too much of myself away. I'm surprised I didn't die.
I'm surprised I'm still not dead.
Anyway, I have to run off to teach now, so I'll finish this in pieces later...
-h-
Last night I went into Sephora and bought a lipstick and lip-liner for myself. I also bought an eyeshadow for Meema, my sober sister, for her 6-month anniversary. (It was Lorac-- the color? "Serenity." Cute, right?) Anyway, before I knew it, I had spent $60 on makeup! Then I went into Old Navy and spent another $60 and another $30 at H&M. Something is up. I'm getting desperate.
Wanna hear another sign of desperation? (And this surely this can't be healthy... or CAN it?) I sent an email to my old choir director... the one I have all the "issues" with. I don't know how much I've ever said about that on this blog, but it's a long story. That chapter has been closed, and for the best. But here I go, cracking it open again. WHY??? Here's what I wrote:
Hi -------,
I'm just writing to say hello and to see you how you are. It's funny-- one of my close friends lives out near you in NJ and has two older sisters who went to [the school where you teach]. (The Brick's. Do you know them?) I visited their house this summer a few times and passed right by the school. So, I thought of getting in touch once or twice, but never quite got around to it.
I guess I'm getting a little nostalgic these days because believe it or not, this year is the 10 year annviersary of when I started at Columbia. B and I met at the New Member Welcome and I have it recorded in my journal as October 30, 1996. We are going back to S next week to celebrate a "friendship anniversary."
Things are going pretty well for me these days. I am still working on my PhD and teaching at --------. I've been singing with the Russian Chamber Choir and was taking voice lessons up through the spring, but have taken a few months off for a bunch of reasons. (For one thing, I quit drinking completely and have been in AA, etc. It has been a real struggle and has taken a lot of change on my part.)
I am thinking about looking around for a new teacher, or at least singing for some people, so if you have any advice in that regard, I would appreciate it. My voice has opened up a lot. It's pretty sizeable and I have a pretty strong soprano range, but I'm still not sure where it will eventually settle. I think my biggest problems are still techinical issues.
Anyway, I hope that this letter finds you well! I really miss the days of choir. GoldenFinch just had a baby boy (well... five months ago) and I went out to visit her and we sang "Lift Thine Eyes" and a whole lot of the Requiem all for the delight of a very fussy baby who occassionally tried to accompany us by banging on the piano. Perhaps he was moved by the spirit of Mozart.
In any case, all of the music that we did back then is still very much with me... a part of me. It was a real gift. So, thanks for that.
Best wishes,
Hyde
I am a strange, strange girl-- dragging skeletons out of the closet. First I am dreaming about a marriage to a corpse, now I'm making out with an old skeleton. I wanna say "I suck," but I know that can't be good for my mental health either. Ugh! We'll just have to wait and see. I wonder if he'll even reply.
Anyway, on with the rest of my "catch up" blogging...
So, I "backwards blogged" most of the last week, but I think I'll fill in the rest by going in chronological time. Where does that put me? Telling you all the story of what happened from when I got to Narc's house on Saturday night (October 14th) and the following Tuesday (October 17th-- one week ago today).
I'm going to make it brief, as it is still blowing my mind to think about it...
So... I got there. Narc was drunk. He was sitting near an open window, smoking. He was wearing a leather jacket over a crumpled button down shirt that was half open. He stumbled when he came to greet me. And when he stuck his tounge in my mouth, he tasted like whiskey and cigarettes.
"You just missed Michael," he said. His speech was slurred. "He just left."
We sat down on the couch and I curled up into the corner. He pulled me over onto him. I think Conan was on TV. Or South Park or something.
Anyway, it was a pretty amazing night. He kept telling me that he loves me and kissing me very sweetly and passionately. It was strange sex, though. Almost as if we both knew that something was at stake, but that we could do nothing about it. He wanted to be really careful and kept saying so. I wasn't sure what he meant by that.
"I should get a condom. I should get a condom," he kept saying.
I was a little confused, as we weren't really up to that part yet.
"I don't know what you're worried about, Narc," I said. "I haven't slept with anyone else."
"No! It's not that... I don't want to hurt you... to do this to you again."
He was kind of incoherent, but I waited for him to get the condom.
Later, while he was kissing me, he stopped and said that he felt guilty.
"Why?"
"We shouldn't be doing this," he said. "We're being bad... bad."
"Well, it's a little too late now. You might as well finish what you started."
I don't like when one of us falls out of "denial-mode" while the other is still in it!
Anyway, that was Saturday night. We didn't rest until after dawn, and I felt blissfully safe there. I don't know how my mind manages that.
The next morning, I woke up and felt close to him. We had a lot more sex. Then we just layed in bed all afternoon, until 2:00 pm or so. Narc pulled his penguins off the shelf. He gave me Pushkin to play with.
"I always play with Pushkin," he commented. "I wonder if Onegin and the others get jealous."
"Maybe you should show them some more love," I laughed.
He stuck the little one between my breasts. It was strange. It's the kind of casual, comfortable thing I used to do with B. Narc and I don't usually break it down that way. We just lay there talking. He had an '80s mix playing.
"This is my 'must learn on guitar playlist,'" he noted.
I looked at his bookshelf.
"You have two of the exact same books," I commented. "Culture Shock: Japan."
"Japan was a culture shock. I wonder how it'll be when I go to Russia."
"Are you really going to Russia?"
He hopped out of bed and pulled a few forms out from under the passport resting on his desk.
"Check it out," he smiled.
They were visa approval documents.
"Very nice," I answered. My voice was flat. I wanted to change the subject.
"And this one, too!" he grinned, waving another paper at me.
"Yeah, I saw it," I mumbled, repositioning myself.
"No. Not this one! Take a look!"
He pushed the paper over to me. I skimmed it.
What?
Wait-- WHAT?!?!?!
Yup... as you guys all know by now, it was an application for marriage for him and PopStarChick. I couldn't believe my eyes. I suddenly felt dirty and gross and less than a speck of dust and I wished that I weren't lying there naked in his bed, but I didn't make a move. I stayed there.
"You're getting married?!?!"
My chest was tight. I tried not to give too much of myself away. I'm surprised I didn't die.
I'm surprised I'm still not dead.
Anyway, I have to run off to teach now, so I'll finish this in pieces later...
-h-
Monday, October 23, 2006
Working Backwards
So, I've decided to blog backwards... in bits... that way I can put off re-telling the Narc weekend for even longer.
Let's start with today...
Today:
Right now, I'm wearing a brown sweater. I'm sitting at my home computer, even though I should be giving an office hour. Why? Because I agreed to meet B for lunch at my place. He just called me. He's stopping off to pick up some sushi for us.
Before I got here, I took a cab from school. The cab driver was Korean. He told me that New Yorkers are "savages" and that his job is insufferable. He told me to go to Asia to see what "respect" is all about. He was an old man who spoke little English. Our conversation started when we passed a Barry Manilow billboard and he asked me whether or not Barry Manilow had plastic surgery to look so young. I told him I thought the poster had been air-brushed. Anyway, he asked if I were married, and when I said "no," he told me not to get married before visiting Korea.
"Find an Asian man," he said. "He'll treat you like a queen!"
Kind of an odd ride home...
Sunday:
Anyway, last night I hardly slept. I'm lucky if I got in three hours... It was a combination of feeling a little bit better after my month-long illness, and Narc-anxiety.
Before that, I hung out with NDN at my place, just "shooting the shit," as he likes to say. I gave him a jar of whipped honey that I had bought for him as a present. I also gave him a cookie.
He arrived at my house as I was eating dinner-- Chinese food that I picked up while on the phone with Dan. I talked to Dan for my entire walk home from the AA meeting that I attended earlier in the evening. I also had a sour apple blow pop while I walked... and talked.
It was a good meeting. I am feeling much more comfortable in my home group and I met another new woman last night who made me feel better about where I'm at in the program right now. I'm starting to know a lot of people, and it feels like I have friends. It's pretty cool.
Before the meeting, I didn't do much. In fact, I spent all of Sunday afternoon indoors cleaning my house. I mostly worked on the bedroom and the kitchen. Earlier in the day, I chatted with Hammer and B on the phone.
Hmmm... What am I up to in my backwards account? Ah, yes! Saturday.
Saturday:
Saturday was an interesting day... I went apple picking upstate with members of my home group! Unfortunately the day began just a tad too early for me with a 7:45 am meeting time on the Upper West Side and a biting chill in the air. We had rented a van that fit about 15 people, and drove about an hour north of the city. There, we arrived at an orchard where we ate hot cinnamon donuts and drank warm cider. We also stood around looking at some roosters and a goat before heading into the orchard for the apples. I was really stuck in my head for most of the afternoon. I have been in so much pain about Narc that it has progressed beyond thought. I just feel sick. I did my best to pull myself out of it, though, opening up to people, being as friendly as I could muster, and trying to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. By late afternoon (and enough caffeine) I was feeling significantly better, although still not great.
When we left the orchard, we headed into town and ate at a sleepy old-school diner. From there, it was back to the city. One guy broke a jar of honey that he bought at the farm, but as I had bought three jars (in Hyde-ian excess!) I gave him one of mine and everyone thought that it was so nice of me. What can I say... (As you know, the second of the three jars went to NDN!)
Later that night I just did my best to relax at home, eating some cereal and going to bed early. My throat was really hurting. Why is it so hard for me to do minimally functional things like open my mail or fill a prescription for antibiotics? The doctor wrote me that prescription a week and a half ago and I didn't fill it until yesterday!
Anyway, that brings us back to Friday...
Friday:
On Friday I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was depressed out of my mind. I woke up late, ate lunch locally with NDN and came back home to take a nap. I slept for most of the afternoon and skipped out on going to a meeting. Not a good move, I know, but that's where I was at. Yuck. Right now, I don't even want to think about how sad and how stuck I felt on Friday.
At around 5:00 pm, Brick called and woke me from my nap.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I have to give up Lucy," he said.
He was nearly in tears.
"What?!? WHY???"
"Because! She cries all day when I'm not home. I've tried everything and my neighbors are still screaming at me! She barks all day and I can't handle it anymore!"
"Are you serious? There's nothing you can do?"
"I've gotten dog walkers, special muzzles, a special collar that sprays citronella... everything short of obedience school and I can't pay for that right now. Yesterday I came home and my neighbor attacked me in the hallway. Today I came home and had a noise complaint from the city! They're involving the city!"
"When are you bringing her?" I asked.
"Today," he said.
"Want me to come?"
"Would you?"
Okay.
So I got up out of bed for Brick. And for Lucy. They picked me up in a cab and we headed to the animal shelter in East Harlem. It was so incredibly sad. Just adding sadness to sadness. It sucked. Afterwards, Brick went to his place and I went to mine. It turns out that he's back together with Sherbie and Sherbie was waiting for him to make it home for dinner.
I went to bed early.
Thursday:
Thursday was a bad day for me too. I woke up that morning on Long Island, having spent the night before at my parent's house. Why did I stay over there mid-week? Because I had to go to the dentist and I went to see my mom's friend who only had early morning weekday hours. I had been in serious pain the previous week due to an incoming wisdom tooth, but by the time I made it to the dentist, I was feeling better.
He checked my teeth out and luckily, the tooth is coming in fine, so although it hurt, I don't even have to have it pulled! Yay! Other than that, my teeth were perfect. No cavities. I'm lucky to always have had really healthy teeth. I've never even had one cavity!
Anyway, after that, my mom took me to the train. When I got back to the city, I was beyond exhausted. I laid down in bed to nap for an hour and then... I don't know what came over me... I was just out like a light. I had set an alarm to wake me up for teaching, but when it did, I didn't think I could function. I was so depressed, it felt like it was sticking to the walls of my stomach and throat like syrup. I called in sick.
And then I went back to sleep.
And I slept for nearly six hours!
I woke up, ate dinner, and went right back to bed that night by 9:30 pm. I was supposed to have gone to an intellectual history seminar or at least to an AA meeting, but I went to neither. Nor did I go to the Mets final playoff game, which my mom had tickets to. She ended going with LilSis, JBC and B!
Oh-- but before I went to sleep, I sent Narc an email. (Yeah... I know!)
Wednesday:
Wednesday was a much busier day. I woke up bright and early and set off to teach that morning. Afterwards I headed home. I didn't have all that much time, though, because I planned to take a late afternoon/ early evening train to Long Island.
I was rushing to Penn Station, running late (as usual!) when I saw hordes of people moving in the opposite direction. For some reason the entrance I normally use was closed. I worked my way around to the other entrance, missing my train in the process, only to find the crowd so thick that it was nearly impossible to move. There was a gate blocking the entrance to the Long Island Rail Road and the security staff was only letting people pass in a single file line. Somehow I managed to catch wind of the fact that there had been an electrical fire in one of the tunnels under the East River. As such, many trains were cancelled and some were pushed back as much as 40 minutes. I had to scramble to figure out a different train I could get on.
I ended up waiting on the platform for around an hour. Some guy standing behind me asked me what the tattoo on the back of my neck says.
"It says 'Jerusalem' in Armenian," I replied.
That sparked a brief conversation. Then, when the train came and the doors opened, that guy shielded me from the shoving crowd and saved me a seat next to him, much to the chagrin of a particularly bitchy woman to my right.
I didn't plan on talking to that guy, instead cracking open Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling, but the gentleman was very chatty and soon enough was blatantly hitting on me, asking me questions like "What does your boyfriend think of your tattoos?"
"I don't have a boyfriend," came the blushing reply.
And so on and so forth.
I wasn't interested in this guy, it's just that I'm not used to such brazen men... at least not in sobriety. I guess when I was drinking I put up with a lot worse (KHill saying he wanted to impregnate me and pissing on my hand and what not... ha ha.)
"Beautiful!" he interrupted, nodding his head.
It amazes me how far he has come.
When it was time for him to shut the lights, I promised to come back and visit him soon. He can't say "thanks," or "I'd like that," or put together some kind of complex expression, but he kissed my hand. That said it all for me. Yay.
After that, my mom heated up some dinner for me and we started to have a really long chat. I told her that Narc may be marrying someone else. She doesn't really know anything about me and Narc, but she knows that there is a Narc and that it's been over two years now. I talked to her honestly for once. I stopped protecting her (at least sort of...). I was honest about how hard I'm working... and about how much I hate myself... about how I can't turn off the negative messages, even when I know that it's sick thinking. She was amazingly supportive.
"You know me as your mother," she said, "but I wasn't all that different from you when I was 27."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know... Before your father, I dated a black man 23 years older than I was. That was a big deal back then. I remember I bought a red princess phone and I wanted him to come over to see it. He wasn't coming and I sat at the window for hours, thinking 'what's the point of the phone if he doesn't see it?' It's like I only existed in the context of him."
"Exactly!"
"With your father, too," she said, "I didn't want to leave. I knew it was bad. I miscarried after you, but I went on and had LilSis not to think about it. I wanted a fourth child, too. I guess I thought if I kept on having babies I wouldn't have to deal with leaving."
It was strange for me to think of my mother that way.
"You know me as a little old lady who's selfless and successful and tends to her flock!" she laughed. "But this is me at 60. I wasn't like this at 27. I was running around on African safaris... and your father! What was that? What was I doing marrying your father?!?"
I laughed. My mom is amazing.
Anyway, after that, I headed down for bed. I was exhausted and felt a little overloaded. The emotional struggle of this all is devastatingly difficult-- not just dealing with the pain of how Narc is treating me, but the struggle over how to end it and why I'm still in it. I know it's wrong to keep engaging with him. I can no longer follow the blind beacon of "love." But nor can I change course. I feel like when the AA's tell me to end it with him, to "turn it over," to "let go and let God," it's like someone telling me to cut off my hand.
"But don't worry... you'll feel better."
How can I believe that? How can I have that kind of faith? I just don't know. I just love him. And I just want to love him. I want to hide in that.
Anyway, that night, I chatted with Brick on the phone, before collapsing into sleep. There was a giant cricket in the bathroom, and as I'm afraid of insects, I didn't go in there all night.
So.... That brings us to Tuesday. I think I'll pick up there in a "Part II," as I have to go...
later...
-h-
Let's start with today...
Today:
Right now, I'm wearing a brown sweater. I'm sitting at my home computer, even though I should be giving an office hour. Why? Because I agreed to meet B for lunch at my place. He just called me. He's stopping off to pick up some sushi for us.
Before I got here, I took a cab from school. The cab driver was Korean. He told me that New Yorkers are "savages" and that his job is insufferable. He told me to go to Asia to see what "respect" is all about. He was an old man who spoke little English. Our conversation started when we passed a Barry Manilow billboard and he asked me whether or not Barry Manilow had plastic surgery to look so young. I told him I thought the poster had been air-brushed. Anyway, he asked if I were married, and when I said "no," he told me not to get married before visiting Korea.
"Find an Asian man," he said. "He'll treat you like a queen!"
Kind of an odd ride home...
Sunday:
Anyway, last night I hardly slept. I'm lucky if I got in three hours... It was a combination of feeling a little bit better after my month-long illness, and Narc-anxiety.
Before that, I hung out with NDN at my place, just "shooting the shit," as he likes to say. I gave him a jar of whipped honey that I had bought for him as a present. I also gave him a cookie.
He arrived at my house as I was eating dinner-- Chinese food that I picked up while on the phone with Dan. I talked to Dan for my entire walk home from the AA meeting that I attended earlier in the evening. I also had a sour apple blow pop while I walked... and talked.
It was a good meeting. I am feeling much more comfortable in my home group and I met another new woman last night who made me feel better about where I'm at in the program right now. I'm starting to know a lot of people, and it feels like I have friends. It's pretty cool.
Before the meeting, I didn't do much. In fact, I spent all of Sunday afternoon indoors cleaning my house. I mostly worked on the bedroom and the kitchen. Earlier in the day, I chatted with Hammer and B on the phone.
Hmmm... What am I up to in my backwards account? Ah, yes! Saturday.
Saturday:
Saturday was an interesting day... I went apple picking upstate with members of my home group! Unfortunately the day began just a tad too early for me with a 7:45 am meeting time on the Upper West Side and a biting chill in the air. We had rented a van that fit about 15 people, and drove about an hour north of the city. There, we arrived at an orchard where we ate hot cinnamon donuts and drank warm cider. We also stood around looking at some roosters and a goat before heading into the orchard for the apples. I was really stuck in my head for most of the afternoon. I have been in so much pain about Narc that it has progressed beyond thought. I just feel sick. I did my best to pull myself out of it, though, opening up to people, being as friendly as I could muster, and trying to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. By late afternoon (and enough caffeine) I was feeling significantly better, although still not great.
When we left the orchard, we headed into town and ate at a sleepy old-school diner. From there, it was back to the city. One guy broke a jar of honey that he bought at the farm, but as I had bought three jars (in Hyde-ian excess!) I gave him one of mine and everyone thought that it was so nice of me. What can I say... (As you know, the second of the three jars went to NDN!)
Later that night I just did my best to relax at home, eating some cereal and going to bed early. My throat was really hurting. Why is it so hard for me to do minimally functional things like open my mail or fill a prescription for antibiotics? The doctor wrote me that prescription a week and a half ago and I didn't fill it until yesterday!
Anyway, that brings us back to Friday...
Friday:
On Friday I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was depressed out of my mind. I woke up late, ate lunch locally with NDN and came back home to take a nap. I slept for most of the afternoon and skipped out on going to a meeting. Not a good move, I know, but that's where I was at. Yuck. Right now, I don't even want to think about how sad and how stuck I felt on Friday.
At around 5:00 pm, Brick called and woke me from my nap.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I have to give up Lucy," he said.
He was nearly in tears.
"What?!? WHY???"
"Because! She cries all day when I'm not home. I've tried everything and my neighbors are still screaming at me! She barks all day and I can't handle it anymore!"
"Are you serious? There's nothing you can do?"
"I've gotten dog walkers, special muzzles, a special collar that sprays citronella... everything short of obedience school and I can't pay for that right now. Yesterday I came home and my neighbor attacked me in the hallway. Today I came home and had a noise complaint from the city! They're involving the city!"
"When are you bringing her?" I asked.
"Today," he said.
"Want me to come?"
"Would you?"
Okay.
So I got up out of bed for Brick. And for Lucy. They picked me up in a cab and we headed to the animal shelter in East Harlem. It was so incredibly sad. Just adding sadness to sadness. It sucked. Afterwards, Brick went to his place and I went to mine. It turns out that he's back together with Sherbie and Sherbie was waiting for him to make it home for dinner.
I went to bed early.
Thursday:
Thursday was a bad day for me too. I woke up that morning on Long Island, having spent the night before at my parent's house. Why did I stay over there mid-week? Because I had to go to the dentist and I went to see my mom's friend who only had early morning weekday hours. I had been in serious pain the previous week due to an incoming wisdom tooth, but by the time I made it to the dentist, I was feeling better.
He checked my teeth out and luckily, the tooth is coming in fine, so although it hurt, I don't even have to have it pulled! Yay! Other than that, my teeth were perfect. No cavities. I'm lucky to always have had really healthy teeth. I've never even had one cavity!
Anyway, after that, my mom took me to the train. When I got back to the city, I was beyond exhausted. I laid down in bed to nap for an hour and then... I don't know what came over me... I was just out like a light. I had set an alarm to wake me up for teaching, but when it did, I didn't think I could function. I was so depressed, it felt like it was sticking to the walls of my stomach and throat like syrup. I called in sick.
And then I went back to sleep.
And I slept for nearly six hours!
I woke up, ate dinner, and went right back to bed that night by 9:30 pm. I was supposed to have gone to an intellectual history seminar or at least to an AA meeting, but I went to neither. Nor did I go to the Mets final playoff game, which my mom had tickets to. She ended going with LilSis, JBC and B!
Oh-- but before I went to sleep, I sent Narc an email. (Yeah... I know!)
I wrote:
How are things over there? Just writing to say hi... and that I'm thinking of you. I went to the dentist today. Thank God, I'm cavity free (still!) and didn't have to close my eyes to any strange instruments. In fact, he said that I don't even have to pull my wisdom tooth if I don't want to, as it's not causing any problems. Yay!
Not much else is going on... I'm going to a seminar tonight-- intellectual history. After that, I may stop by for IrishBird's birthday party and see the whole Cheers crew.
That's it for now. I'm cooking and better get back to it. I hope that Russia is proving to be a worthy adventure and that the cyrillic isn't driving you too crazy!
miss you, though.
lots of love,
hyde
Wednesday:
Wednesday was a much busier day. I woke up bright and early and set off to teach that morning. Afterwards I headed home. I didn't have all that much time, though, because I planned to take a late afternoon/ early evening train to Long Island.
I was rushing to Penn Station, running late (as usual!) when I saw hordes of people moving in the opposite direction. For some reason the entrance I normally use was closed. I worked my way around to the other entrance, missing my train in the process, only to find the crowd so thick that it was nearly impossible to move. There was a gate blocking the entrance to the Long Island Rail Road and the security staff was only letting people pass in a single file line. Somehow I managed to catch wind of the fact that there had been an electrical fire in one of the tunnels under the East River. As such, many trains were cancelled and some were pushed back as much as 40 minutes. I had to scramble to figure out a different train I could get on.
I ended up waiting on the platform for around an hour. Some guy standing behind me asked me what the tattoo on the back of my neck says.
"It says 'Jerusalem' in Armenian," I replied.
That sparked a brief conversation. Then, when the train came and the doors opened, that guy shielded me from the shoving crowd and saved me a seat next to him, much to the chagrin of a particularly bitchy woman to my right.
I didn't plan on talking to that guy, instead cracking open Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling, but the gentleman was very chatty and soon enough was blatantly hitting on me, asking me questions like "What does your boyfriend think of your tattoos?"
"I don't have a boyfriend," came the blushing reply.
And so on and so forth.
I wasn't interested in this guy, it's just that I'm not used to such brazen men... at least not in sobriety. I guess when I was drinking I put up with a lot worse (KHill saying he wanted to impregnate me and pissing on my hand and what not... ha ha.)
Anyway, the total time it took to get me from my place to my parent's house was just over three hours. That is fucking insane.
When I got there, my stepbrother had just gone to bed, but I peeked in to see him anyway. He was so excited to see me that he got right up.
"Two! Two!" he said.
(He has taken to calling BigSis "1," me "2" and LilSis "3." Interesting how the brain works, no?)
My mom told me that he is learning some oldies songs at his school, so I started singing them with him. I was doing funny little dances and facial expressions and he was cracking up. It felt really good to be able to bring some joy to him. I asked my mom if she liked my new hair color."Beautiful!" he interrupted, nodding his head.
It amazes me how far he has come.
When it was time for him to shut the lights, I promised to come back and visit him soon. He can't say "thanks," or "I'd like that," or put together some kind of complex expression, but he kissed my hand. That said it all for me. Yay.
After that, my mom heated up some dinner for me and we started to have a really long chat. I told her that Narc may be marrying someone else. She doesn't really know anything about me and Narc, but she knows that there is a Narc and that it's been over two years now. I talked to her honestly for once. I stopped protecting her (at least sort of...). I was honest about how hard I'm working... and about how much I hate myself... about how I can't turn off the negative messages, even when I know that it's sick thinking. She was amazingly supportive.
"You know me as your mother," she said, "but I wasn't all that different from you when I was 27."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know... Before your father, I dated a black man 23 years older than I was. That was a big deal back then. I remember I bought a red princess phone and I wanted him to come over to see it. He wasn't coming and I sat at the window for hours, thinking 'what's the point of the phone if he doesn't see it?' It's like I only existed in the context of him."
"Exactly!"
"With your father, too," she said, "I didn't want to leave. I knew it was bad. I miscarried after you, but I went on and had LilSis not to think about it. I wanted a fourth child, too. I guess I thought if I kept on having babies I wouldn't have to deal with leaving."
It was strange for me to think of my mother that way.
"You know me as a little old lady who's selfless and successful and tends to her flock!" she laughed. "But this is me at 60. I wasn't like this at 27. I was running around on African safaris... and your father! What was that? What was I doing marrying your father?!?"
I laughed. My mom is amazing.
Anyway, after that, I headed down for bed. I was exhausted and felt a little overloaded. The emotional struggle of this all is devastatingly difficult-- not just dealing with the pain of how Narc is treating me, but the struggle over how to end it and why I'm still in it. I know it's wrong to keep engaging with him. I can no longer follow the blind beacon of "love." But nor can I change course. I feel like when the AA's tell me to end it with him, to "turn it over," to "let go and let God," it's like someone telling me to cut off my hand.
"But don't worry... you'll feel better."
How can I believe that? How can I have that kind of faith? I just don't know. I just love him. And I just want to love him. I want to hide in that.
Anyway, that night, I chatted with Brick on the phone, before collapsing into sleep. There was a giant cricket in the bathroom, and as I'm afraid of insects, I didn't go in there all night.
So.... That brings us to Tuesday. I think I'll pick up there in a "Part II," as I have to go...
later...
-h-
One last piece of gossip- the Wizard is back in school. He survived his appeal, even though he failed out last semester. This is prompting strange dreams for Hammer!
Friday, October 20, 2006
I am myself my own fever...
Again, written in pieces... by a tired, tired girl.
Part I: Written on Wednesday afternoon:
Well, I don't have much time and I have a lot to tell. And I'm still not quite capable of processing everything that has happened in the past few days, but in the interest of preserving my later sanity when it comes to maintaining this blog, I'll attempt to get started...
I left you all off on Thursday night when I went downtown (alone) and hung out in a piano bar until nearly 4:00 am. That night, I hardly slept a wink. I had to wake up bright and early the next morning to catch the train to Stony Brook for my visit with GoldenFinch.
Despite the fact that we have been friends for 10 years and were "best friends" for a few years in college, and despite the fact that she lives only two hours away, I hadn't seen her since July, 2005. I think that the primary reason that I was avoiding her is that she found out about her pregnancy a month after I did, and was able to celebrate hers, whereas I could not. I have a lot of negative feelings about the choice that I made (not that I would ever choose otherwise, even now... but it hurts to have to have done what I did) and as such, I think that some of it was coming out as resentment at GoldenFinch. Of course, none of that is her fault, and I certainly didn't want to be negative about her news, so I put off the visit.
Now her baby is 5 1/2 months old. I finally felt ready for the visit, and I couldn't wait to meet him. I have so much love in my heart for her, and my heart was brimming at the thought of her with a baby!
But, it was hard. And it wasn't helped by the fact that Narc had been ignoring my texts the night before. When I woke up that morning, he had finally answered me:
Sorry, he wrote. Meeting ran from 7 to midnight, then to sleep right after. Call later.
Nevermind the fact that I had been texting him from 10:00 pm to 2:00 am consistently. He could have written a quick note to tell me he would be staying in.
I wrote back: It's ok. Was rough, but I ended up having an adventure... All's well that ends well. Sounds like you are in productive mode. Must be nice after being sick...
He answered quickly: Much to do, may be going to Russia tomorrow for week or so, we'll see. Visa etc. quite a hassle...!
Ugh... Even with all of that though... the bond between us is so intense to me... so real... but at the same time, he never allows it to be hardened, to be labeled. I'm always left on ground that's not solid. (Yes! All that is solid melts into air!) So, somehow, that baby represented a bond to me... and I let it go. So, while I was on the train out to Stony Brook, I had to say something about it.
I think I was feeling so weird last night b/c today I am going to Stony Brook to meet my friend's baby who is only 1 mo younger than ours would have been. Sometimes I hate how sensitive i am. Anyway, have fun in Russia if you go. Let me know if you're leaving town...
I was sort of surprised when he answered: Was a different life, back then. Doing my best to write off the past five years and look to the future: new career, life, etc. Let you know if I head out...
Well, that made me sad... Very sad.
Part I: Written on Wednesday afternoon:
Well, I don't have much time and I have a lot to tell. And I'm still not quite capable of processing everything that has happened in the past few days, but in the interest of preserving my later sanity when it comes to maintaining this blog, I'll attempt to get started...
I left you all off on Thursday night when I went downtown (alone) and hung out in a piano bar until nearly 4:00 am. That night, I hardly slept a wink. I had to wake up bright and early the next morning to catch the train to Stony Brook for my visit with GoldenFinch.
Despite the fact that we have been friends for 10 years and were "best friends" for a few years in college, and despite the fact that she lives only two hours away, I hadn't seen her since July, 2005. I think that the primary reason that I was avoiding her is that she found out about her pregnancy a month after I did, and was able to celebrate hers, whereas I could not. I have a lot of negative feelings about the choice that I made (not that I would ever choose otherwise, even now... but it hurts to have to have done what I did) and as such, I think that some of it was coming out as resentment at GoldenFinch. Of course, none of that is her fault, and I certainly didn't want to be negative about her news, so I put off the visit.
Now her baby is 5 1/2 months old. I finally felt ready for the visit, and I couldn't wait to meet him. I have so much love in my heart for her, and my heart was brimming at the thought of her with a baby!
But, it was hard. And it wasn't helped by the fact that Narc had been ignoring my texts the night before. When I woke up that morning, he had finally answered me:
Sorry, he wrote. Meeting ran from 7 to midnight, then to sleep right after. Call later.
Nevermind the fact that I had been texting him from 10:00 pm to 2:00 am consistently. He could have written a quick note to tell me he would be staying in.
I wrote back: It's ok. Was rough, but I ended up having an adventure... All's well that ends well. Sounds like you are in productive mode. Must be nice after being sick...
He answered quickly: Much to do, may be going to Russia tomorrow for week or so, we'll see. Visa etc. quite a hassle...!
Ugh... Even with all of that though... the bond between us is so intense to me... so real... but at the same time, he never allows it to be hardened, to be labeled. I'm always left on ground that's not solid. (Yes! All that is solid melts into air!) So, somehow, that baby represented a bond to me... and I let it go. So, while I was on the train out to Stony Brook, I had to say something about it.
I think I was feeling so weird last night b/c today I am going to Stony Brook to meet my friend's baby who is only 1 mo younger than ours would have been. Sometimes I hate how sensitive i am. Anyway, have fun in Russia if you go. Let me know if you're leaving town...
I was sort of surprised when he answered: Was a different life, back then. Doing my best to write off the past five years and look to the future: new career, life, etc. Let you know if I head out...
Well, that made me sad... Very sad.
You're right. Was a different life, but it was my life. I have no regrets. I'm sad that you do. But, here's to the future... for you and me both. :)
My sadness quickly dissipated, however, when I disembarked the train and found GoldenFinch waiting with the most adorable baby bundle I've ever seen. He was pouting and quite Brahmsian, if I do say so myself. I sat in the back, just to be close to the baby, while GoldenFinch drove us to a nearby nature preserve. She looked beautiful-- not as haggard as I had seen her in recent years. Even though she was stressed out with all of the new responsibilities, she had that "glow" about her (and her breasts were huge too!).
Part II: Written Thursday afternoon:
Anyway... back to my day with GoldenFinch! Like I said-- she looked great and the baby was adorable. We went walking through the fields and the day was perfectly crisp with a biting chill--just as October should be. It's always a little colder out east than it is here in the city, so the leaves were already turning. It was beautiful.
After our walk, we headed back to her house where I chatted with her while she nursed the baby and then we took the baby down to the piano and sang some of our old standard duets-- Lift Thine Eyes (which is actually a trio... we were missing Contessa on the middle part), Belle Nuit, and the Flower Duet from Lakme. Then we sang through a few movements of Mozart's Requiem-- Benedictus, Hostias and Agnus Dei, all of which I clumsily played on the piano. The baby started to get fussy though, so we eventually had to stop.
Before long, her husband arrived home from work with burgers and we sat and talked and ate and they fed the baby. When GoldenFinch went up to give the baby a bath, I ended up chatting with her husband for a while. I hope he doesn't think I'm too crazy. Then he headed up to bed, and GoldenFinch showed me pictures from her sister's wedding before driving me back to the train.
The train ride home was tough. I began to sink deeper and deeper into depression. All I could think of was wanting. I was exhausted beyond belief and emotionally overwhelmed. I decided to call my sponsor. I have been feeling resistant towards my sponsor lately (she doesn't exactly tell me what I want to hear), but that phone call helped. At Mineola station, a bunch of college kids got on the train, on their way to the city to party. They were acting like total jackasses, taking up the whole train car, passing around bottles of vodka and shouting things like "booze!" At first, I felt really hostile towards them, but I was able to turn my thinking around and to feel grateful that I've freed my life from that sort of stupidity.
That night, I was happy to just collapse into bed. I was asleep before 1:00 am.
At 2:30 in the morning, my phone buzzed. Was it Narc? No. It was Brick.
Part III: Written on Friday afternoon
Brick wanted to know if I wanted to come downtown and meet him at the Monster. He promised to pay for my cab and a late night snack if I came. I really shouldn't have gone, as I had been sick all week, and had collapsed into bed in utter exhaustion that night, but old habits die hard, I guess. The next thing I knew, I was hauling myself out of bed in the dead of the night and coating my eyelashes with mascara.
By the time I got down to Monster, though, the crowd was dead and kind of shady. We decided to go to Marie's Crisis instead, where I quickly amasses a number of fans with my singing. There was another girl there who I could tell was jealous of me once I opened my mouth, so at first I was singing pretty quietly. I have to ask myself, though-- why do I do that? Why was I diminishing my own talent for the sake of protecting some random girl's ego? When I realized it, I tried to be a little more bold, but I still felt guilty for coming in and stealing that girl's thunder. Some drunk British guy with a beard kissed my cheek and requested that I sing "Bill" from Showboat. My voice was really on that night. Brick said I sounded my best. Even the waitstaff there came over to me with compliments. It was a real ego boost.
After that, Brick and I went for a late night meal at a nearby diner. At nearly 5:00 am, I looked at my watch and had to wonder what was wrong with the two of us that we were gallivanting around the West Village at that hour, even in sobriety! Brick wanted to stop at his place and pick up Lucy, but I told him that I wanted to go straight home. He agreed, arranging for Bikram to walk Lucy in the morning, and he came with me back to my place. I put Ugly Betty on TV for him, washed off my makeup and hoped to get some shut-eye before sunrise.
Brick got up ahead of me on Saturday morning and played around on gay.com on my computer. I had to ready myself for a trip to the opera with Bezoukhoff. B was nice enough to get us discount tickets to see Die tote Stadt at City Opera-- third row orchestra! The opera was amazing.
The music wasn't particularly complex-- something of a mix between Strauss and Puccini, but the story was wonderful. A man obsessed with his dead wife keeps a shrine to her, including a death mask and a long braid of her hair. He then hires an actress who looks just like his wife and he tries to put the mask on her and dresses her in his wife's shawl and asks her to play his wife's lute. Then there's a creepy ghost scene in which his wife appears. What comes next is a prolonged hallucination in which the protagonist murders his friend and then strangles the actress who is seductively dancing around the stage whipping the wife's braid, strangling her with that very braid itself. Can you think of anything more creepy and decadent? I loved it!
Anyway, I've been trying to feel more grateful lately, and my trip to the opera helped in that regard. I was able to think about how lucky I am to have the luxury of picking up and going to the opera on a random Saturday and how lucky I am to be able to appreciate the music... that I have an aptitude for that.
After the show, Bezoukhoff and I walked over to the Juilliard bookstore and looked around. It was so sweet. He insisted on buying me some sheet music, despite my protests. I got Rachmaninoff's Vocalises, a clean copy of the Song to the Moon from Rusalka (which, Bezoukhoff pointed out, we had to buy, as I was a mermaid once...) and a Purcell song called I Attempt from Love's Sickness to Fly.
(The lyrics are perfect: "I attempt from love's sickness to fly in vain/ Since I am myself my own fever and pain./ No more now, fond heart, with pride no more swell,/ Thou canst not raise forces enough to rebel./ For love has more power and less mercy than fate./ To make us seek ruin and on those that hate.")
After Juilliard, we walked over to Barnes & Noble and strolled around for a while before heading over to Peter's for dinner. After dinner, we hit the Cafe Mozart. It was turning out to be a really lovely evening. My sister and Bro-in-Law were babysitting their niece and nephew that night and the five year old called me "just to say hi" while we were eating. I adore those kids, so that really put a smile on my face.
But all the while, and no matter how wonderful things were, I couldn't silence my pounding heart or quivering stomach, full of anxiety over Narc. Sometimes I think I'm just a sick, sick girl. So, I texted him.
I'm at the cafe Mozart pretending to be Viennese. What are you up to?
Narc: Writers, drinking. How's the cafe? Have they a harpsichord?
Hyde: A pianist & saxophone. Alas! Not historically accurate. Opera was great though. Must tell you about it. Have fun & call me later...
Narc: Which opera did you see?
Hyde: Die tote stadt. Awesome.
Anyway, Bezoukhoff and I finished off our coffee and dessert and he took me home. Back at my place, I sang for him for a little while and he showed me a few oddities on YouTube. I was exhausted, though, and by midnight had to head to sleep.
The next thing I knew, it was 4:00 am and I opened my eyes. All I could think of was Narc.
I bet he's drunk right now, I thought. I bet he's stumbling home from somewhere with his writer friends. I wonder if he's gonna call me.
Sick, though it is, I sent him a text. It was 4:10.
Closing time... ;) I wrote.
(What kind of message is that for a sober woman to send???) Of course, he answered.
So come down, came the reply.
I jumped out of bed and readied myself the best I could. By 4:45, I was crossing Canal Street.
Almost there. Don't fall asleep! I wrote, in light of what had happened the previous weekend.
The next few days with him changed everything. But, this post is taking longer that I thought, and so, I think I'll give it a part two and finish writing either tonight or on Sunday.
That's it for now.
I am sad. Dreadfully sad, and with no idea on how to get out of it.
With Sturm und Drang,
hyde
The Corpse's Bride
Perhaps it's because of a conversation I had with Hammer shortly before bed last night, but I dreamed last night that I was sleeping with a corpse. I was married to a corpse. We lived in Narc's bedroom, but the corpse was not Narc. Every morning I would wake up and kiss the corpse. Then I would go make coffee in Narc's kitchen and take my cup of coffee back into his bedroom and sit at his computer, the corpse still in the bed. Narc's desk is made of metal and in my dream, it felt cold to rest my arms against it. In my dream, I surfed the internet and was sad. I tried to tell the corpse about things that I read, but I knew that he couldn't hear me.
This morning, I opened a book of poetry by Rilke and read the following. It is making my chest hurt.
Pieta
Full is my woe now, speechlessly it all
brims up in me. Rigid am I, as stone
at the stone's core.
Thus hard, I only see one thing:
that you have grown--
...and you have grown
into a grief so large,
it is beyond my heart to grasp
and reached out.
Now you lie right across my womb,
now I can nevermore
give birth to you.
Full is my woe now, speechlessly it all
brims up in me. Rigid am I, as stone
at the stone's core.
Thus hard, I only see one thing:
that you have grown--
...and you have grown
into a grief so large,
it is beyond my heart to grasp
and reached out.
Now you lie right across my womb,
now I can nevermore
give birth to you.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Wiped
I am completely wiped. I was supposed to teach this afternoon. I had to call and cancel. I've been sick for three weeks now. I took a six hour nap this afternoon. I hope it helps me kick this thing. Funny, though, I think it's the spiritual and emotional struggle that's draining me this way.
Brick said something to me the other day that made a lot of sense to me--
"If you're having trouble doing a step, it probably means you haven't really finished the one before."
So, I went back and looked at step three. He's right. I haven't really accomplished it. It says in the Twelve and Twelve that all I need as a start is "willingness." I thought I had that. But when it comes to Narc, I'm not so sure.
Anyway, I started drafting a post about all of the events of the past week (and weekend) on Wednesday. I wrote a little and then had to stop. Then I wrote a little more this afternoon and had to stop. I'm working on it though. It's hard for me to focus on anything right now, but it's coming soon.
Tonight I was invited to a surprise party for IrishBird's birthday (open bar and all). I told PumpedUp that I would try to stop by, but I don't think it's a good idea. I'm really struggling with my sobriety right now. Maybe I should quit playing Russian roulette. In any case, I called her at around 11:00 this morning to wish her a happy birthday. She said I was the first person to call her. She seemed really appreciative and that felt good to me. I just like to make people happy sometimes.
Well, that's it for now. I'm wiped. Completely wiped. And I should either drag myself out to a meeting or get back in bed...
love,
h
Brick said something to me the other day that made a lot of sense to me--
"If you're having trouble doing a step, it probably means you haven't really finished the one before."
So, I went back and looked at step three. He's right. I haven't really accomplished it. It says in the Twelve and Twelve that all I need as a start is "willingness." I thought I had that. But when it comes to Narc, I'm not so sure.
Anyway, I started drafting a post about all of the events of the past week (and weekend) on Wednesday. I wrote a little and then had to stop. Then I wrote a little more this afternoon and had to stop. I'm working on it though. It's hard for me to focus on anything right now, but it's coming soon.
Tonight I was invited to a surprise party for IrishBird's birthday (open bar and all). I told PumpedUp that I would try to stop by, but I don't think it's a good idea. I'm really struggling with my sobriety right now. Maybe I should quit playing Russian roulette. In any case, I called her at around 11:00 this morning to wish her a happy birthday. She said I was the first person to call her. She seemed really appreciative and that felt good to me. I just like to make people happy sometimes.
Well, that's it for now. I'm wiped. Completely wiped. And I should either drag myself out to a meeting or get back in bed...
love,
h
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
On PopStarChick
I feel too dulled to write much of anything. But it's Tuesday. And I'm sitting in my office before class and this is when I usually blog... So, I'll try. I'll attempt something.
(This fucking sucks!)
Um... okay... Where to begin?
First of all, I can't believe that Narc is really considering marrying that Russian whore. In my opinion, she has completely manipulated him. I don't know how closely you've all been following their story, but given that I'm too numb to write anything of my own feelings, I figured I'd give a little background on all of that. I'll update you on how the events unfolded and the rest of my week when I can breath again.
So, here it goes...
Narc was set up on a blind date with her back in January, 2005. They went on a couple of dates and it apparently "didn't work out." As they were in the same circle of friends, though, they stayed friendly. They were never very close friends. (I think my first mention of her on this blog was back in May, 2005 when he went to a NIN concert with her.)
Narc and I first fought about her the following month when he texted her one night when we were out at Cheers and I was jealous. I didn't think that much of it, though, because he was wrapped up in some drama with the Exhibitionist.
Last October, when he came back from Europe, he brought her a present and that kind of bothered me, as he didn't bring anything for me. He did, however, bring souvenirs for a lot of his friends, so I ignored my jealousy.
Right before my birthday, in December, Narc complained to me about how his friends weren't true friends, specifically mentioning PopStar. If you remember, he got all suicidal that night. Here's what I wrote about it on the Annals:
Narc told me that last January he had dated someone else for two weeks-- PopStarChick. He was set up with her by his friends M&M, but it didn't work out from the start. That's fine, and I don't care about that. The strange part is that Narc still hangs out with this girl every now and then, only she's mean to him. She blows him off a lot, she flakes out on plans, and makes him feel bad about himself...unimportant. I can't fathom why he cares so much! It was the same way with the Exhibitionist. Both PopStar and the Exhibitionist talk to him about their exploits with other men, have him pay for their meals and generally treat him like crap. He hasn't so much as made out with either one of them. Narc as "victim." Interesting concept, right?
Anyway, despite the fact that neither of them gives a shit about him, he emailed them from Europe, brought them back souvenirs and pursues friendship with them as if it reflects something about how important he is as a human being. Granted, he's not talking to the Exhibitionist anymore (and hasn't been for a few months), but that's only because she hurt his feelings for a long enough time that he cut her off.
It was January when she first became a real issue. He took her to the opera for her birthday-- my favorite opera (which I was also at) and he posted about it on his blog. In the meanwhile, he still hadn't gotten me a present.
I called him on it later that month (the night he puked in Bar & Books).
"You're not jealous are you?" he acted surprised.
"Oh, come on, Narc. Of course I'm jealous. How could I not be? Of all the things to do! The opera! The opera!"
I reminded him about the La Boheme debacle in our history.
"Hyde, it wasn't planned like that at all. It's not like I bought the tickets for her. I would have rather gone with you! You have to know that."
"Um, no... not really. You could have asked me to go if you wanted to go with me."
"You said you would be in Argentina."
"What do you mean? Obviously I knew I was coming back, I had tickets to that opera myself."
"That's not true. You emailed me that you were coming back on the 7th or the 8th."
"What? Why would I do that? I never said that."
"Hyde! Of course you did! I'll make you a bet about it."
I shook my head.
"Why else wouldn't I take you to the opera? You're 'OperaChick,' right? I mean, I only got those tickets because it was Wozzeck. And you know I did that show. I honestly didn't know who I was going to get to go with me. And it only ended up being PopStarChick as a last minute thing. I'm telling you I would have rather gone with you."
"Narc, that's a lie."
...and then...
"Look, Narc--if it was so last minute, why did you write on your blog that you had a big birthday surprise for her... As if you had been planning it all out for ages! This when you didn't get me anything at all for my birthday!"
"Ugh! Don't start that Hyde! Whatever... Do you think I want to be dating PopStarChick?"
"Well... yes!" (I was coming straight out with it now.)
"You're wrong, Hyde. You're wrong. I don't want to be with her! Besides, who are you to talk? You were there at the opera with your ex-boyfriend. Your ex-BOYFRIEND!"
...and so on and so forth...
For the rest of the month, he talked about her more and more. But in February, he told me that she, like the Exhibitionist, was materialistic and willing to "settle" for any man that was handsome and rich-- true love or not.
There was hardly mention of her in March and April, but in May, he started to hang out with her more frequently. In June, he talked about her a lot more, and told me some inane story about how she was conned by an old man who convinced her he wanted to make a lingerie line for her.
Then, suddenly, in mid-July, he was dating her (with his: "still want to see you of course, but obviously we need to re-think how we spend our time together") and she became (as he put it in his blog) "simply The One (or some such thing). Darling. Beloved. Angel." Even so, the very day she left for Russia (August 19th), he called me to come down and see him. By mid-September, we were having sex again on a regular basis.
Does anyone but me find it strange that this girl had no interest in Narc for a year and a half, but she suddenly becomes his girlfriend the month before she has to return to Russia with visa issues? Case in point... this is from Narc's blog in August:
So no sooner were PopStarChick and I back from Miami than the renewal for her artist's visa, at long last, came on through.
Me: "Wow, that's fantastic baby!! What are we going to do? How are we going to celebrate?"
PopStarChick: "Well, you know how long it's been since I've been back to see my family..."
(PopStarChick's parents, you see, keep two residences in Russia: an apartment in Moscow as well as a cottage on the Black Sea. Thing is, though, PopStarChick herself hasn't been able to visit either for several years now, due to potential visa complications... But indeed, now that her 3-year renewal had come up--this along with my own assurances that I would, should any complications arise and should the Russian embassy decide to keep her in Moscow indefinitely, head over there myself, marry her (gypsy wedding and all!) and then bring her back with me to the States--it would seem that the PopStarChick was finally emboldened enough to risk venturing back out of the US to see her parents for several weeks.) A few days later: and she was booked on a flight to Moscow.
Anyway, it's incredibly plain to me that this girl is USING Narc and that he's an idiot and a fool for falling for it.
It hurts me too much to say any more than that right now. I just love him so much. My only consolation is that he promised me that he is not getting married this week-- only filing paperwork. He will be back in the States in a week and would have to go back to Russia in another month or so for an interview. Last night, he texted it to me again:
Not committing to anything this trip out.
Why is it that the harder things become and the crueler this is, the more I love him? It's like my first defense... don't feel. Just love. And I do. He says he loves me too. He promised to email me when he gets there. It's fucking insane. And I can't process... can't process at all.
Right now, I've gotta go. I'm listening to a CD I just bought-- a cheap Naxos recording called "THE ITALIAN DRAMATIC LAMENT." B and I went to Tower Records today as they're going out of business and have a sale.
"That's so Hyde!" he said. "You're nothing, if not consistent."
Anyway... that's it. Hope you're at least caught up on PopStarChick (whose name I'm debating changing to RussianWhore). Like I said-- I'll be back with more of the story when I can stomach it.
-h-
(This fucking sucks!)
Um... okay... Where to begin?
First of all, I can't believe that Narc is really considering marrying that Russian whore. In my opinion, she has completely manipulated him. I don't know how closely you've all been following their story, but given that I'm too numb to write anything of my own feelings, I figured I'd give a little background on all of that. I'll update you on how the events unfolded and the rest of my week when I can breath again.
So, here it goes...
Narc was set up on a blind date with her back in January, 2005. They went on a couple of dates and it apparently "didn't work out." As they were in the same circle of friends, though, they stayed friendly. They were never very close friends. (I think my first mention of her on this blog was back in May, 2005 when he went to a NIN concert with her.)
Narc and I first fought about her the following month when he texted her one night when we were out at Cheers and I was jealous. I didn't think that much of it, though, because he was wrapped up in some drama with the Exhibitionist.
Last October, when he came back from Europe, he brought her a present and that kind of bothered me, as he didn't bring anything for me. He did, however, bring souvenirs for a lot of his friends, so I ignored my jealousy.
Right before my birthday, in December, Narc complained to me about how his friends weren't true friends, specifically mentioning PopStar. If you remember, he got all suicidal that night. Here's what I wrote about it on the Annals:
Narc told me that last January he had dated someone else for two weeks-- PopStarChick. He was set up with her by his friends M&M, but it didn't work out from the start. That's fine, and I don't care about that. The strange part is that Narc still hangs out with this girl every now and then, only she's mean to him. She blows him off a lot, she flakes out on plans, and makes him feel bad about himself...unimportant. I can't fathom why he cares so much! It was the same way with the Exhibitionist. Both PopStar and the Exhibitionist talk to him about their exploits with other men, have him pay for their meals and generally treat him like crap. He hasn't so much as made out with either one of them. Narc as "victim." Interesting concept, right?
Anyway, despite the fact that neither of them gives a shit about him, he emailed them from Europe, brought them back souvenirs and pursues friendship with them as if it reflects something about how important he is as a human being. Granted, he's not talking to the Exhibitionist anymore (and hasn't been for a few months), but that's only because she hurt his feelings for a long enough time that he cut her off.
It was January when she first became a real issue. He took her to the opera for her birthday-- my favorite opera (which I was also at) and he posted about it on his blog. In the meanwhile, he still hadn't gotten me a present.
I called him on it later that month (the night he puked in Bar & Books).
"You're not jealous are you?" he acted surprised.
"Oh, come on, Narc. Of course I'm jealous. How could I not be? Of all the things to do! The opera! The opera!"
I reminded him about the La Boheme debacle in our history.
"Hyde, it wasn't planned like that at all. It's not like I bought the tickets for her. I would have rather gone with you! You have to know that."
"Um, no... not really. You could have asked me to go if you wanted to go with me."
"You said you would be in Argentina."
"What do you mean? Obviously I knew I was coming back, I had tickets to that opera myself."
"That's not true. You emailed me that you were coming back on the 7th or the 8th."
"What? Why would I do that? I never said that."
"Hyde! Of course you did! I'll make you a bet about it."
I shook my head.
"Why else wouldn't I take you to the opera? You're 'OperaChick,' right? I mean, I only got those tickets because it was Wozzeck. And you know I did that show. I honestly didn't know who I was going to get to go with me. And it only ended up being PopStarChick as a last minute thing. I'm telling you I would have rather gone with you."
"Narc, that's a lie."
...and then...
"Look, Narc--if it was so last minute, why did you write on your blog that you had a big birthday surprise for her... As if you had been planning it all out for ages! This when you didn't get me anything at all for my birthday!"
"Ugh! Don't start that Hyde! Whatever... Do you think I want to be dating PopStarChick?"
"Well... yes!" (I was coming straight out with it now.)
"You're wrong, Hyde. You're wrong. I don't want to be with her! Besides, who are you to talk? You were there at the opera with your ex-boyfriend. Your ex-BOYFRIEND!"
...and so on and so forth...
For the rest of the month, he talked about her more and more. But in February, he told me that she, like the Exhibitionist, was materialistic and willing to "settle" for any man that was handsome and rich-- true love or not.
There was hardly mention of her in March and April, but in May, he started to hang out with her more frequently. In June, he talked about her a lot more, and told me some inane story about how she was conned by an old man who convinced her he wanted to make a lingerie line for her.
Then, suddenly, in mid-July, he was dating her (with his: "still want to see you of course, but obviously we need to re-think how we spend our time together") and she became (as he put it in his blog) "simply The One (or some such thing). Darling. Beloved. Angel." Even so, the very day she left for Russia (August 19th), he called me to come down and see him. By mid-September, we were having sex again on a regular basis.
Does anyone but me find it strange that this girl had no interest in Narc for a year and a half, but she suddenly becomes his girlfriend the month before she has to return to Russia with visa issues? Case in point... this is from Narc's blog in August:
So no sooner were PopStarChick and I back from Miami than the renewal for her artist's visa, at long last, came on through.
Me: "Wow, that's fantastic baby!! What are we going to do? How are we going to celebrate?"
PopStarChick: "Well, you know how long it's been since I've been back to see my family..."
(PopStarChick's parents, you see, keep two residences in Russia: an apartment in Moscow as well as a cottage on the Black Sea. Thing is, though, PopStarChick herself hasn't been able to visit either for several years now, due to potential visa complications... But indeed, now that her 3-year renewal had come up--this along with my own assurances that I would, should any complications arise and should the Russian embassy decide to keep her in Moscow indefinitely, head over there myself, marry her (gypsy wedding and all!) and then bring her back with me to the States--it would seem that the PopStarChick was finally emboldened enough to risk venturing back out of the US to see her parents for several weeks.) A few days later: and she was booked on a flight to Moscow.
Anyway, it's incredibly plain to me that this girl is USING Narc and that he's an idiot and a fool for falling for it.
It hurts me too much to say any more than that right now. I just love him so much. My only consolation is that he promised me that he is not getting married this week-- only filing paperwork. He will be back in the States in a week and would have to go back to Russia in another month or so for an interview. Last night, he texted it to me again:
Not committing to anything this trip out.
Why is it that the harder things become and the crueler this is, the more I love him? It's like my first defense... don't feel. Just love. And I do. He says he loves me too. He promised to email me when he gets there. It's fucking insane. And I can't process... can't process at all.
Right now, I've gotta go. I'm listening to a CD I just bought-- a cheap Naxos recording called "THE ITALIAN DRAMATIC LAMENT." B and I went to Tower Records today as they're going out of business and have a sale.
"That's so Hyde!" he said. "You're nothing, if not consistent."
Anyway... that's it. Hope you're at least caught up on PopStarChick (whose name I'm debating changing to RussianWhore). Like I said-- I'll be back with more of the story when I can stomach it.
-h-
Monday, October 16, 2006
Wedding Bells
After hours in bed together, he showed me some papers.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Read it," he grinned.
It's an application for marriage. He leaves for Russia tomorrow.
"She can't get back in any other way," he explained. "I'm boxed in."
"You're not boxed in," I insisted.
I stayed over with him for two nights. Are they the last?
h
"What's that?" I asked.
"Read it," he grinned.
It's an application for marriage. He leaves for Russia tomorrow.
"She can't get back in any other way," he explained. "I'm boxed in."
"You're not boxed in," I insisted.
I stayed over with him for two nights. Are they the last?
h
Friday, October 13, 2006
Early Morning Blogging...
From Flash (and Minx! and Spins!)
My ex is: my best friend
I am listening to: Jekyll and Hyde... as always
Maybe I should: get working on my incompletes
I love: the ocean.
My best friend: and I are celebrating a 10 year anniversary soon! (Although, truth be told, I have more than one "best" friend.)
I don’t understand: Schenkerian Analysis
I lose: my mind... on a regular basis.
People say: one thing, but do another
The meaning of my screen name is: Isn't it obvious? I was a girl with a double life. In some ways, I still am...
Love is: Ecstasy
Somewhere, someone is: saying a prayer
I will always: love you. (Too much karaoke!)
Forever seems: not enough.
I never want to: give up
My cell phone is: the source of much drama
When I wake in the morning: I sometimes sing Mozart's Tuba Mirum too see how low my bottomed out voice can go!
I get annoyed when: self-consciously bourgeois people have wine & cheese picnics in Central Park and take off their shoes
Parties are: a little tricky to navigate these days
My dog is: Brick's dog
Kisses are the worst when: they're with someone you don't want to kiss
Today I did: Nothing yet. I just woke up (God knows why I'm sitting here filling this out on four hours of sleep!)
Tonight I will: Be returning from a lovely visit with GoldenFinch
Tomorrow I will be: Going to the opera! I'm seeing Dei tote Stadt!
I really want: love and security... don't we all?
My ex is: my best friend
I am listening to: Jekyll and Hyde... as always
Maybe I should: get working on my incompletes
I love: the ocean.
My best friend: and I are celebrating a 10 year anniversary soon! (Although, truth be told, I have more than one "best" friend.)
I don’t understand: Schenkerian Analysis
I lose: my mind... on a regular basis.
People say: one thing, but do another
The meaning of my screen name is: Isn't it obvious? I was a girl with a double life. In some ways, I still am...
Love is: Ecstasy
Somewhere, someone is: saying a prayer
I will always: love you. (Too much karaoke!)
Forever seems: not enough.
I never want to: give up
My cell phone is: the source of much drama
When I wake in the morning: I sometimes sing Mozart's Tuba Mirum too see how low my bottomed out voice can go!
I get annoyed when: self-consciously bourgeois people have wine & cheese picnics in Central Park and take off their shoes
Parties are: a little tricky to navigate these days
My dog is: Brick's dog
Kisses are the worst when: they're with someone you don't want to kiss
Today I did: Nothing yet. I just woke up (God knows why I'm sitting here filling this out on four hours of sleep!)
Tonight I will: Be returning from a lovely visit with GoldenFinch
Tomorrow I will be: Going to the opera! I'm seeing Dei tote Stadt!
I really want: love and security... don't we all?
News Flash...(with frozen fingers)
News Flash!
Narc is a prick.
(Was that news to anyone?)
He has completely ignored me all night and made me feel shaky and worthless. Well... wait a minute. I guess he can't make me feel anything. I'm the one making myself feel worthless.
I went out with a huge group of people after AA today. Meema really opened up to me about some of her issues with her husband. Then TT texted me. He wanted to meet up at Cheers. I went, arriving at around 11:00. I felt beautiful with my new hair, a low-cut top and gorgeous turquoise eye shadow.
I think it's kind of sweet that TT is still so actively and patiently pursuing me, even though I've given him very little to go on. (It's very Colonel Brandon of him!). It's flattering to get so much attention from him. But, I can't help it that I think he's kind of boring. I wish I didn't. He's a really great guy. I sang I Will Always Love You and blew everyone away. Even BarMan (who is sick to death of that song by now!) gave me a high-five modeled after those given by the volleyball players he coaches. He also invited me out for a surprise for IrishBird's birthday next week.
TT and his friend were ready to leave the bar at around 1:00 am. I was still maddened to have been ignored by Narc after the several texts I sent. TT walked me home, even though it was just across the street. It was very sweet. He kissed my cheek, but didn't push it.
I came home, but was unsettled. I decided to go back out-- to the Monster, a piano bar down in Hammer's neighborhood that Brick and I frequented this summer. I ended up having an amazing time! (Let's pause for a moment to reflect, though, on how ridiculous it is that I am running around the city like this, alone in the middle of the night with a sore throat and a fever! NOT sober behavior).
I met a couple there that said that they got together a few months ago when I sang a duet (Suddenly Seymour) with one of them and the other one was attracted by it. So, I had a hand in their romance and they tell everyone the story! I also saw "Bottom" there-- one of Brick's suitors. Apparently, he was afraid that I didn't like him after I once protectively came to Brick's defense. But we chatted a little this time and he told me that I am a beautiful, talented, humble, loyal and spiritual giving woman and that I deserve so much more than a guy who has me sitting around nervously checking my cell phone in clutched hand. It was really sweet.
The real kicker of the night, though, was my conversation with the pianist. He was definitely hitting on me. He was probably the only straight man in the room-- I could tell by the way he watched me eat a blow pop. He also complimented my bosom. (Hee hee!) But, we talked for a really long time-- about music, about careers, about life changes, and about our "former lives." (He believes he was Louis de Rouvroy, duc de Saint-Simon). I have to say, I greatly enjoyed our chat, even though his breath smelled like coffee and he is much too old for me. He gave me a warm embrace as I left and told me "not to be a stranger."
"Okay. I won't."
So, now it's nearly 4:00 am and I'm just getting home. Still no word from Narc. I'll fucking kill him if he calls me at 5:30 or something. It's freezing out tonight. It must have dropped into the 40's. I absolutely love it. A winter chill is in the air; my skin is as pale as snow; my eye shadow is a sparkling green; and my hair is the color of a deep, rich, red wine. I feel like a painting... a painting with frozen fingers. Isn't that what I've always wanted to be?
love,
h
Narc is a prick.
(Was that news to anyone?)
He has completely ignored me all night and made me feel shaky and worthless. Well... wait a minute. I guess he can't make me feel anything. I'm the one making myself feel worthless.
I went out with a huge group of people after AA today. Meema really opened up to me about some of her issues with her husband. Then TT texted me. He wanted to meet up at Cheers. I went, arriving at around 11:00. I felt beautiful with my new hair, a low-cut top and gorgeous turquoise eye shadow.
I think it's kind of sweet that TT is still so actively and patiently pursuing me, even though I've given him very little to go on. (It's very Colonel Brandon of him!). It's flattering to get so much attention from him. But, I can't help it that I think he's kind of boring. I wish I didn't. He's a really great guy. I sang I Will Always Love You and blew everyone away. Even BarMan (who is sick to death of that song by now!) gave me a high-five modeled after those given by the volleyball players he coaches. He also invited me out for a surprise for IrishBird's birthday next week.
TT and his friend were ready to leave the bar at around 1:00 am. I was still maddened to have been ignored by Narc after the several texts I sent. TT walked me home, even though it was just across the street. It was very sweet. He kissed my cheek, but didn't push it.
I came home, but was unsettled. I decided to go back out-- to the Monster, a piano bar down in Hammer's neighborhood that Brick and I frequented this summer. I ended up having an amazing time! (Let's pause for a moment to reflect, though, on how ridiculous it is that I am running around the city like this, alone in the middle of the night with a sore throat and a fever! NOT sober behavior).
I met a couple there that said that they got together a few months ago when I sang a duet (Suddenly Seymour) with one of them and the other one was attracted by it. So, I had a hand in their romance and they tell everyone the story! I also saw "Bottom" there-- one of Brick's suitors. Apparently, he was afraid that I didn't like him after I once protectively came to Brick's defense. But we chatted a little this time and he told me that I am a beautiful, talented, humble, loyal and spiritual giving woman and that I deserve so much more than a guy who has me sitting around nervously checking my cell phone in clutched hand. It was really sweet.
The real kicker of the night, though, was my conversation with the pianist. He was definitely hitting on me. He was probably the only straight man in the room-- I could tell by the way he watched me eat a blow pop. He also complimented my bosom. (Hee hee!) But, we talked for a really long time-- about music, about careers, about life changes, and about our "former lives." (He believes he was Louis de Rouvroy, duc de Saint-Simon). I have to say, I greatly enjoyed our chat, even though his breath smelled like coffee and he is much too old for me. He gave me a warm embrace as I left and told me "not to be a stranger."
"Okay. I won't."
So, now it's nearly 4:00 am and I'm just getting home. Still no word from Narc. I'll fucking kill him if he calls me at 5:30 or something. It's freezing out tonight. It must have dropped into the 40's. I absolutely love it. A winter chill is in the air; my skin is as pale as snow; my eye shadow is a sparkling green; and my hair is the color of a deep, rich, red wine. I feel like a painting... a painting with frozen fingers. Isn't that what I've always wanted to be?
love,
h
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Scratch n' Snuff
NDN went to Ireland this week. When he came back, he had a scruffy beard and he rubbed it against my cheek until it was all red and scratchy. I love that. He also brought me back a very special present-- a little tin of snuff tobacco. I don't know that I'll use it, but it's always good to have a little snuff around the house, don't you think?
Anyway, this week has been exhausting, mostly due to the fact that I've been running a low-grade fever. I finally went to the doctor today and she prescribed me an antibiotic.
On Tuesday, Meema brought a friend to the huge AA meeting that we go to. I was running late and barely made it in time to do my duty as a greeter. Another guy from our therapy group came too. (I still don't have a name for him). The speaker at the meeting was really moving to me and I told her so afterwards. She invited me out with a bunch of other women to do "fellowship" after the meeting. We went to Patsy's (not far from Bloomingdale's). I felt awkward, as I always do in those situations, especially with women. I find it so much easier to feel at ease when meeting men for the first time. It's strange... In any case, I did my best to talk to as many people as possible, and two of the women, I think I'll call again.
Later that night, I ended up on the phone with Contessa (an old college friend). She is having major drama with her overbearing parents. It's funny-- listening to her, I was able to realize just how much I've changed and grown in the past few months. I could hear right through so much of what she was complaining about, and see it as co-dependent thinking or misplaced efforts at control.
Brick called me later on in the night, unable to sleep.
"I've been thinking about why I did what I did with your phone," he said.
"And...?"
"Well, I think I did it because things were going so well with us."
"What do you mean?"
"Just that... We were getting along. Everything was great. And I had to mess it up. I knew it would upset you."
"Well, I think I can be okay with it as long as you promise never to do it again."
"I do. And I'm really sorry," he said.
"Okay."
That night, it wasn't so easy for me to fall asleep. I'm teething. Yes, I know I'm already 27, but I have the only wisdom tooth to thus far make an appearance, pressing its way into my back, right gum. I need to make an appointment to go to the dentist.
Yesterday I went to get my hair done. It's redder now... a kind of punky, intense red. I'm rather loving it. I bleached my eyebrows blonde, and so the whole look is dramatic and intense. Afterwards, it was raining. I stood in the rain waiting for the crosstown bus (right near Hammer's apartment), trying to catch wind of what had happened with that plane flying into a building. That whole story is just so bizarre! Anyway, while I was waiting, Brick called me and asked if I wanted to come over when he got off work. I agreed and headed to his neighborhood instead.
I ended up waiting for Brick in Barnes & Nobles where I read a lot of poetry and made several purchases. Here's what I bought:
Aesthetics: A Reader in Philosophy of the Arts, De Profundis (Wilde), Poems (Rilke), Philosophical Writings (Schopenhauer), and a pocket copy of Wuthering Heights!
Anyway, I met Brick at his place at around 6:00. We were both drenched from the rain. Neither of us had much money, so we decided to eat eggs and toast for dinner, but Brick wanted to do it over at my place so that he could avoid his roommate, Bikram. We packed up a bag of goodies, took Lucy, Brick threw on some rain gear, and we were off.
Before getting to my apartment, we stopped off and bought ice cream, microwave popcorn, hot chocolate, and I picked up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. We were all set for a cozy night in.
Brick told me that he broke it off with Sherbie and that he was seeing OlderMan again. I don't think that's such a good idea, but of course, it's none of my business, and I'm doing my absolute best to keep a firm boundary there. We watched Law & Order SVU and at around 10:00 pm, Brick wanted to go to sleep. That's way too early for me! But I was saved from slumber by the ringing phone. It was Liu. She has been going through a very hard time the past two weeks and I want her to know (if she's reading this!) how much I love her and what a wonderful friend and human being I think that she is. We talked for a while, with the phone call briefly interrupted by none other than Narc! In fact, he had texted me a few times.
Text #1: Reading at Blaue Gans if you want to come by
Text #2: Also, you and Brick make up yet?
Text #3: Elvis moment in "Forrest Gump"...!
When I got off the phone with Liu, I called him. He was talking to ModelChick. He said he would call me back. So, I got into bed with the snoring Brick and watched Studio 60 while I waited for his call. At 11:20, I sent him a text:
Going to bed around midnight, fyi. So, if we don't' get to talk, but if you want to get together tomorrow night, let me know.
That's Hyde's attempt at preserving her dignity... Could you tell?
Anyway, he called me back a few minutes later and we talked for nearly an hour. I still find those phone calls so amazing, as Narc and I don't often have all that much to say to each other. He told me about his friend M-Ro and all of her romantic troubles as of late. He also said that they went to have their tarot cards read. I talked to him about Wuthering Heights and liminality and how it all turns me on. He told me that he is no longer in love with Henry James, but Mr. James has yet to be replaced. When it was time to go, I repeated my offer of a Thursday night hang-out. He sounded surprised that I was trying to make a plan in advance.
"Um... yeah... sure... We can, um, figure something out... sure."
Why are things so difficult???
Today I woke up and went to the doctor, like I said. Afterwards, I called my voice teacher and left him a message. I haven't spoken to him since March or so. I told him that I have been having some issues with alcohol and drugs and have been sober five months, and that I'm still passionate about music, but that I can't afford lessons right now, and that one of my deepest regrets is the way that I just disappeared and flaked out on him. I felt that I was ready to make that call. I feel better having done it.
So, now I'm off to another AA meeting. I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to see Narc tonight. I'm not sure of a lot of things.
But, I'm still here.
And I'm doing my best, one day at a time...
-h-
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