All that is Solid Melts into Air: Part I

Ah! Once again, I'm feeling the burden of blogging! Don't get me wrong-- I love to blog, but I have way too much to update you all on. Enough said. I better get to it!

I think the last thing I gave you in detail was early last week. Here's a summary as best as I can muster it:

Last Monday, Narc came over to my place and I told him about dating TT. He acted strange and didn't want to have sex that night, which made me feel insecure. Nevertheless, he stuck around my place until mid-afternoon Tuesday (still with no sex) but emailed me a few times later in the day. Then, that night, he sent me a text, asking if I wanted to sleep at his place (even though I had to get up for teaching the next day). I couldn't make head or tail of it.

That brings us to Wednesday--

After choir practice, I made plans to go over to Narc's place, with the excuse of "needing to get my birthday present." I got there at around 10:45 pm and we settled in to watch his recorded American Idol. (Both of us are "Idol" addicts!) Nothing too exciting happened, except for the fact that I finally got my birthday present!

He gave me an out of print novel called The World is Made of Glass by Morris West. It was wrapped up in beautiful gold paper (as promised) with a matching card. (That's very Narc, by the way-- to match the card to the paper. He can be so meticulous. I have none of that in me!)

I don't want to relate the entire conversation surrounding this, or tell you exactly what the card said, because I'm suddenly feeling very private about it all, but the general message in the card was "to a new you in the new year"-- a message that left me somewhat unsettled (no matter how much I agree with the sentiment!). His explanation for the book-- well, I'll also leave that unsaid. But I will tell you this-- it's fictional account of Karl Jung and a mysterious female patient. The book takes place in Europe on the eve of World War I and is characterized by a strange psycho-sexual dynamic, sado-masochistic relations and the struggle to deal with personal/sexual drama in one's past. I started to read it, but can't say much more than that just now...

That night, I was unsure of what to expect in terms of bedroom protocol. I got into bed first while he was in the bathroom, so I left my underwear on, just has he had on Monday night. I mean, if he doesn't feel comfortable having sex with me (for whatever reason), I certainly don't want to press the issue! When he came into the bedroom though, he stripped down to nothing, so I discreetly kicked my underwear off under the covers. But then he turned off the lights, got into bed, pulled me close and proceeded to "go to sleep" without anything sexual at all! So I was confused, and it was making me anxious.

He and I don't have a "relationship" I can feel secure in, so all I really have that gives me anything "safe" is the knowledge that he wants to have sex with me. That's how I know he's not going anywhere. If he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, I have no solid ground. I know this must sound strange, as I've known for a long time that this thing with him has to end, but at the same time, it made me feel endlessly insecure. I'm anxious about change, and very confused.

So I lay there thinking about all that, pretending to sleep. I kept shifting around, unable to get quite comfortable. At one point, my back was to him, and it was then that I "felt him"-- that he wasn't really asleep either (if you get my point). So I reached over to engage him, but he turned away and faced the opposite wall. What?!?! That was a flat out rejection, and it made me feel really bad and even more confused. Ugh! Everyone's confused! It's clear that he's confused too, but still-- I wasn't quite sure what to do. So I put it to the test. I don't want to get into details here, but I basically did something that any man would find it hard to resist as an invitation to sex, and it worked-- he turned back around and was on me in a second. But when it came to the actual fucking, he said he didn't have a condom. Did he not want to have intercourse? I couldn't imagine he was really out of condoms. I think he just thinks that if we do "everything but" intercourse that it doesn't count as sex and that it won't emotionally mess with me. Of course, he's wrong about that.

"I have condoms," I said... "In my wallet... That is... if you want." I didn't want to pressure him, but I was unsure of what was going on.

He paused for what seemed like an eternity, some inner struggle rolling in his head.

"Alright," he said. "Go get yours."

I leapt out of the bed and into the living room, and that was that.

Needless to say, the status quo reinforced, I felt a great relief afterwards.

The next day we stayed in bed for quite some time, but I couldn't play the day away. I had to get up and get to a voice lesson. Narc ordered in some sushi (from the truly amazing "Sun Cafe") but I only had time for a few bites before I had to go. And besides, Narc had to get to work on polishing his script. He wanted to give it out to some people he was having over for Oscar Night.

(By the way, if you recall, he invited me over for his "Oscar party," in the end of February, but it became pretty clear that he was "taking that back." He tried to talk his way out of it by saying he was only having 3-4 people-- all people who would be instrumental in making his film, so it was going to be primarily about the script.)

Later that day, I met Hammer for more sushi in my neighborhood. It was "Salmon-Night" at East. We had a great time, despite the fact that she is dealing with heartache stemming from the Wizard's bullshit insults. Poor Hammer!

In the meanwhile...

I hadn't seen TT since the Monday night lasagna dinner, as he was busy the previous weekend, and the week-nights are tough for me to plan. But I didn't want him to think that I was blowing him off, so I texted him early in the week asking him if he wanted to do something for the coming weekend. He doesn't really like texting (and says he never does it), although, texting is my preferred mode of communication. So he was quite happy when he figured out how to send text messages using AOL Instant Messenger and could avoid typing on the cell phone keypad.

We had been shooting little messages back and forth all week long. On Thursday I invited him to my friend's birthday party set for Saturday night. He agreed and we made plans to meet for dinner first.

So, that brings us to Friday-- my teaching hell-day. Yuck!

There was a little drama that morning when the Wizard tried to invite himself to my place to watch 24. I told Hammer I didn't want to be caught "in the middle," which she interpreted as saying that I had an equal allegiance to the two of them (which is SO not true!). But Hammer was just feeling sensitive. She and I ironed out the misunderstanding and I told the Wizard that I would be watching the show with Hammer!

After teaching, I met Contessa for dinner at a Vietnamese place called Saigon 48. (By the way-- if you're ever in the theater district, I recommend it. It had beautiful decor, good food and was incredibly reasonably priced for that area). I hadn't seen Contessa in forever, although I bumped into her last week at Cafe Mozart when I was out with Anxious after the opera. Contessa and I ended up sharing a three hour dinner, catching up on anything and everything. She is really happy with her current boyfriend and is contemplating a move from Princeton back into the city. Contessa also studies voice, and so we "talked shop" about that for a while too, deciding to check out The Colony for some soprano-mezzo duets. It's funny-- in college, Contessa sang soprano and I sang mezzo and now it's just the opposite!

I finally got home from my incredibly long day at around 10:30.

It was then that I got a text from Narc:
Ugh, dying for a drink...!

H: You home? How's the work coming?
N: At home, wrapping up work. What are you up to?
H: Just got home from insanity-day. After 6hrs of teaching I gave a 2hr makeup exam. Then had dinner w/a friend til 9. Then errands @ music store and DReade. Wiped!
N: Tres exhausting! Did a lot of shopping today myself.
H: For what?
N: Candles, towels, etc. I'm actually not happy with much of what I bought, alas!
H: Oh no! I like you in home-decorator mode, though. It's cute!
N: Got some great cubes to sit on. Wall cubes, etc. Towels and rugs are wrong color though, I think.
H: Well, towels are easier to find than cubes, so it sounds like you got the tough part done at least!
N: And acquired my air purifier slash humidifier combo finally!
H: I need one of those! Between Rochie and the incessant heaters...
N: Plugging in now. Can't wait!
H: Enjoy! About to hop into the shower... Did you want to meet for a drink later?
N: Not sure.. May just hang here, watch Bill Mahr, and sleep. I don't know, though. What do you think?
H: I'm game but will call you when out of shower to see how you feel.

By this time, it was around 11:00 pm. I called him back at around midnight. He agreed to meet me for a few drinks in his neighborhood. I headed down.

When I got there, Narc was watching the tail end of Bill Mahr. I watched with him and we chatted for a while before heading out to a new bar I hadn't been to before. (I forget the name of it right now). We stayed there for a few rounds. I think I had three double Jack's. I was getting tipsy for sure. At this point, I no longer remember exactly what I was talking about, but we were in a heated discussion about something.

Then at one point, Narc had to go to the bathroom. I noticed a guy in a tuxedo at the bar, so while Narc was gone, I asked him what was the occasion. He told me that he is Welsh and was celebrating St. David's Day at the Yale Club. Narc came out of the bathroom while I was still talking to the guy, and I started to feel guilty because Narc thinks I'm a major flirt. So I ended the conversation and didn't talk to the guy after that.

Then at one point, Narc asked me flat out-- "So, what's up with you and 'lasagna-boy'?"

Uh oh... There's always a point when Narc and I drink that the elephant in the room gets pointed out.

I told him that I had a date with TT planned for Saturday night-- that I had asked him along to a friend's birthday party.

"But I really don't want to get into it," I said. "Don't ask me about that!"

"Why not?" he casually retorted--as if there are no complicated issues attached to it!

"Because it's hard for me," I said. "I feel unfair to this guy-- I'm not starting him with a clean slate. I have mixed emotions, and I feel like I can't sleep with him."

"Well, you don't have to sleep with him," he said. "You can just be like the girls that I date."

"What girls that you date?"

"You know-- like Exhibitionist, or PopStarChick that I had one or two dates with-- girls that want you to pay for everything, but never plan on having any sex."

"That's not me," I said. "You know I'm not like that. I want to want to have sex with him. I mean, I'm trying to put my head there, but I just can't right now."

"Hyde! You're lucky that this guy is after you. You should take advantage of it."

"Let's not talk about this anymore," I looked away.

And then, he said it and surprised me--

"Hyde, I don't know if it's such a good idea for you and me to be having sex, then."

"What? Are you really saying you don't want to have sex with me anymore?"

I was drunk at this point, and feeling really insecure. I tried to kiss him. He pushed me off. That made it even worse.

"No really--" he said. "I mean, I want you, but don't you think we're acting like a crutch for each other?"

A CRUTCH? I wanted to scream. A crutch implies support. What kind of emotional support has he given me?

I didn't say anything, so he just continued on.

"I just think it's wrong on some moral level, or something," he said.

(Now, I don't remember this conversation in such detail, but at the time, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Once there, I called my home-phone and left myself a message. I didn't remember doing so until I got the message later. Basically here's what I said:

"To Jekyll, from Hyde! First of all-- stop drinking tonight! You're getting irrational. Okay, so I know that's not going to happen, but at least try to be aware of the drinking and take care of yourself and try not to be indiscreet. Second of all, here's exactly what Narc just said-- don't forget it in the morning!"

And then I repeated to myself as much of the conversation with Narc as I could remember. Pretty sick, huh? Ah, the mind of a blogger...)

Anyway, back at the bar, I changed the topic. Narc paid for the drinks which came out to be really expensive considering they charged $18 for a double-jack! Oops! We left there for a cheaper and more familiar site-- The Patriot. This was at around 3:00 am.

On the way out of the bar, I saw a group of Filipinos talking to each other in Tagalog, so I stopped to impress them with my skills (all, of course, learned from B!). I sang them part of Pasko na sinta ko and they were quite amused.

Narc and I went on to both get pretty wrecked at the Patriot and I decided that I really wanted to do some "medicine." The only problem is that I "lost" the number for my dealer months ago, and have since avoided getting a new contact. I really want to stay off that stuff. But that night, I wanted it.

I racked my brain for who might have a number (although realistically, no dealer would come around at 4:30 am!) and so I decided to text Oc. He actually wrote back, so I guess he was up partying somewhere too, but he said he couldn't help me.

Then I wrote to the Stallion: Please call me, you've got to help me out!

In retrospect, the message to the Stallion could be construed as slightly alarming, but I had no perception of that at the time.

I don't think Narc realized quite how drunk I was. They kicked us out of the bar at closing time, and Narc wanted to drink more wine back at his place, but I was bordering on a major black-out and I knew it. I managed to gulp down half a glass at his place (mostly for his sake) but it was 5:00 am and I was done. I had been up for 23 hours and needed to hit the sheets. So we did.

The next morning we woke up at around 1:00 pm. And guess what? We finally had really good sex again. In fact, it was awesome. Narc was taking the initiative and seemed to have none of the reservations he had on Wednesday night. I wondered what he did with them, but I honestly didn't care. It was amazing. Then we ordered in some cheap Mexican food and just hung out for a while. Narc told me that he had once made a demo to get into doing voice-overs (I told you he has a beautiful voice!) and he played it for me. I was cracking up. It was so cheesy. Then he had to run a few errands.

I agreed to accompany him to the hardware store because I had to leave anyway. I had plans to meet B at my place around 4:00 and then I had to get ready for my date with TT that night.

The hardware store was relatively uneventful except for the fact that I bought a hammer that I love. It is gold and silver and has lots of little screwdrivers hidden inside. It's a Matryoshka-hammer! Narc thought it was strange that I was so enamored, but I didn't care. It was a random thing, but it made me happy. Honestly, I felt like I was in an absurd mood--I was bordering on delirious. It's just like my brain wanted to stop processing everything, and then it just spotted that shiny, little, sweet, compact tool and simply wanted it.

So that brings me to Saturday evening and the date with TT. But for Part II of this post, you'll have to wait. I can't type anymore without my fingers falling off, and besides-- I have to get to a voice lesson.

A bientot!

-h-