"Love" is a Four-Letter Word

I want to meet a man who doesn't think that "love" is a dirty word.

I used to tell B that I "love him to pieces." No wonder he thought that I was going to dissolve him.

Today my family went to court-- the beginning of a potentially ugly custody battle for guardianship of my stepbrother. I feel guilty being wrapped up in my own life, and not there for my family. Both of my sisters are so "settled." It's easier for them to be more "present," more "responsible." Sometimes I feel misunderstood and think that "it's not fair." But that's terribly childish of me, isn't it?

I'm feeling very anxious right now. Startlingly so. I can't drink tonight... Not just because I said I wouldn't, but because I'm still getting over being sick. But I want to take a Vicodin or something. Maybe I will.

I went to the Doctor today and thank goodness I don't have strep throat. It's just laryngitis with a lot of mucus. I've been on a regime of guaifenisen and salt-water gargling for two days and combined with two nights of good sleep, I'm feeling better already. As a singer, my doctor thinks I should be on Nasonex year round. She gave me a prescription with 11 refills. I tried it today and it felt good (given my congestion), but I don't want to take anything potentially drying without talking to my voice teacher first. I like the feeling of spraying it up my nose, though. I know... I'm strange.

I'm not well enough to really sing tonight and so I had to skip my cabaret class. Damn it! I love going to that class.

Narc called last night. He was in Midtown. But he called after 11:00 and I was already in bed, so I had to turn him down.

My therapist tells me that I'm a coward. I think that she's right. I can always count on her for the "kick in the ass" that I need. A "kick in the ass" from the Stallion would just be another illusion.

I'm feeling lonely tonight. Existentially lonely. But it's not a settled loneliness... It's an anxious one. One that wants that Vicodin. And one that wants to meet someone who doesn't think of "love" as a four-letter word. (Even though it is?)

-h-