My Smart Friends and a Sighting of DateRapeGuy

I will tell you the Narc-irritation when I have more energy...

I like having smart friends. Tonight I went out (for just two drinks) with Hammer and EF, both of whom are in my program at school. We had a very enlivened discussion about postcolonial theory and the relevance of historical relativism/comparisons, etc. I would explain in more detail except for the fact that I'm pass-out tired right now and have to wake up in six hours. The bottom line-- why have I distanced myself so much from my studies? Why do I hang out with people who don't intellectually stimulate me? Even the Narc? I want to have more discussions like that. I miss having scholarly ideas inside of my soul. Right now, all that's in my soul is alcohol and an asshole who doesn't deserve all of the energy he occupies in my life.

Another incident worth noting-- I just came from Cheers where I stopped by (but didn't drink) but I saw DateRapeGuy there. I felt like I was going to vomit. He had a pony-tail and I wanted to cut it off and stuff it down his throat until he choked. I haven't seen him there in nearly a year-- since I confronted him about that night. (The incident happened in December '04--before I started this blog, but I told the story here. The confrontation happened in early May. I told about that here.) ThursdayGirl wanted me to sing Manic Monday. I didn't think I would be able to with him there in the bar. I told her I couldn't. She asked me why.

"I don't want that guy to see me," I explained. "There's a bad history and I feel like I'm gonna puke."

"Hyde-- do what you want to do, but I don't think you should let him control how you feel. This is your place, and you should always feel comfortable to get up and sing! Fuck him! Right?"

"I guess."

She convinced me to do it. I put my coat and bag by the door so I could run out after singing. I wouldn't have to take care of a check since I only had a soda or two and IrishBird gives me those for free.

While I was singing (and rather poorly, might I add, due to my cold), he came to the front of the bar. He seemed to be talking to the bouncer about something, but I think it was an excuse to move to the front and "check me out," so to speak. Then he just stood there and watched me sing. I really thought I would throw up. I didn't take my eyes off the monitor with the song-lyrics for even one second to look at him. I didn't even steal a glance.

When it was over, ThursdayGirl gave me a hug, I scooped up my stuff and ran. I feel gross right now.

Anyway, I'm getting evaluated tomorrow morning, I have to wake up in six hours, PLUS I'm still sick. Narc kept me up last night with his coughing. When I could take it no more, I asked him if he wanted some water. (This at around 7:00 am).

"Yeah... if you want to get it for me," he said.

"Want some cough medicine too?"

"Yeah, I guess."

So I got out of bed on only five hours of sleep. It took me a while before I could fall back asleep. I hate being sick. It absolutely sucks. I had two drinks tonight and started to feel better, but stopped myself there and so now I have a headache.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep now. I'll tell the Narc story tomorrow.

I'm just glad I have smart friends. I want to get back into school. Narc, the Stallion, Double-T... none of them excite me with conversation. None of them wake up my brain and challenge me. That's so much of what I loved about B... what I still love about B. Maybe I need to scrap all these dumb-ass boys and find someone who makes me feel enhanced instead of divided and depleted.

Just a thought...

Good night all!

love,
Hyde

PS: Hammer said she loved my eyemakeup tonight. Then, when I saw ThursdayGirl she said the same. Yay. It was nice to be complimented. :)