Girls Gone Wild?

Every time I see Anxious, I feel like she's trying to compete with me for "who's more wild." Let me say it plainly-- Anxious is not wild. Anxious is nowhere near wild. I'm not all that wild either, but compared to Anxious? 'Nuff said.

The part of it that bothers me the most is that I don't value being "wild." It's a stupid competition, I don't want to engage in it, and yet whenever I'm with her, I find myself sucked in. For example, I was telling her that in my next guy, I think I'm better off finding someone who's not a "drinker."

"It shouldn't be that hard," I said. "After all, none of my good friends are 'drinkers.'"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I drink! And since I've been with BulgarianGuy I've been drinking a lot more!"

She said it as if she were trying to show off. How inane!

"Anxious, you might drink, but you're not a drinker," I said.

"I don't know about that..." she said.

"Okay... How many nights a week do you drink?"

"Five or six!" she cheerfully exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes.

"How many nights do you drink more than a glass of wine with dinner?"

"Oh... um, well I guess one or two."

She looked disappointed.

"How much do you drink in a typical evening out?"

"That depends on how long I'm out."

"Four hours."

"I don't know... five drinks?"

I could see she was uncomfortable. She wanted to pick a high number, but she also knew that I would know she was lying as I've known her for ten years.

"I don't consider that heavy drinking," I said. End of story.

UGHHH!!! Why is she engaging in a "drinking contest" with an alcoholic? (Okay, there... I said it.) It's stupid of her though. She thinks she sounds all Sex in the City, but she doesn't. Why does she insist on trying to compare herself to me and my "lifestyle?" I fucking hate it. I feel like she tries to control my "self-construction" or the person that I project. It's infuriating.

Other things she said in the course of the day:

• That her roommate thinks she has a "wild lifestyle."
• That BulgarianGuy wears extra large condoms and she left the package lying about her room for her roommate to see. (Does she forget that I fucked him? I've seen him and I didn't think he was extra large. Is she lying about the condoms? Not that it MATTERS though! See how she gets me engaged in this stupid bullshit!)
• That she's going to ask him for diamonds for their first year of dating anniversary-- she thinks she wants a ring.
• That my relationship problems would be solved if I could just "find myself a Bulgarian"
• That she is amazingly happy (I doubt it-- she complained throughout the day that her mom is hassling her that BulgarianGuy is "just a waiter" and that her hipster friend said the same thing. She is pretty status-conscious, so I know it was really bothering her.).
• She started calling BulgarianGuy "Pioneer" and only referred to him that way to me (supposedly because he was in the Soviet Young Pioneers) and she called another friend "Natalie Wood." Apparently now, she refers to all her friends in code.
• That she's glad that pink lipstick is "in" this Spring so that she can keep wearing her pinks. ("Can't you wear whatever lipstick you want, no matter what's "in?" I asked. Ughh!!)
• She mentioned last year's masturbation episode SIX times. When will she stop throwing that in my face?

It's strange. At the same time as she competes with me (which indicates jealousy), she also finds ways of putting me down-- I'm the problemed friend, the girl with "issues." Not like her. She's got it all worked out. Fuck that. I'm sick of her making her feel better about herself by making me out to be the messed up one. Sometimes I wonder why I still hang out with her. Perhaps it's because we've been friends for so long.

Anyway, there's more on that I want to write, but I'm not entirely in the mood.

The opera was GORGEOUS yesterday. Olga Borodina sang Dalila and did a magnificent job. We went into Cafe Mozart after dinner and bumped into Contessa and her boyfriend there. Cafe Mozart was a regular hangout in my college years for a post-opera stop, or champagne and cake for a friend's birthday. I haven't been there in years, but back then I had been there with both Anxious and Contessa many times. As we approached the entrance, Anxious remarked that it was "old-school" of us to return. So it was quite a strange coincidence to see Contessa there too! (She's living in Princeton these days). Anxious and Contessa haven't spoken since Anxious' birthday back in October. Apparently, Contessa had many of the same issues with Anxious as I have, only she decided to do something about it and cut Anxious off. It was an awkward little reunion. Contessa was on her way to see the evening opera-- Gounod's Romeo et Juliet.

Meanwhile, in the Narc department, here's what's been going down:

At 2:20 pm, mid-opera, I got a text from him: Your present FINALLY arrived!

So, the birthday present materializes at last?!?! I NEVER expected it!

My reply: Yipee! Just got out of the opera but will call you later. I'm excited. :)

I wanted to see him. I missed him, and of course, I wanted my present! So I wrote to him at 9:45: What are you up to later tonight?

He answered: Friend is having a party on LES, but may just stay in. Not sure. You?

Hyde: Still out w/Anxious post-opera dinner. We're probably going for a drink or two, but after that no plans. Want to hang?

Narc: Call me later.

Hyde: Will do.

Well, I did. I called him at around 12:30. No reply. I tried both of his phones. So I texted him again: You still up and about? Out?

No answer.

Damn it!!! I SO wanted to see him last night! I wanted it so badly.

Whatever...

I went out drinking last night, but got myself home by 2:00 am. I called him on both phones again. He had turned off the ringer on his landline so I guess he was home and went to bed. I sent him another text: Good Night. :)

So I haven't been doing all that well on my alcohol-hiatus, but I guess I can just try and try again. I woke up this morning feeling depressed because I wanted to be with him. What happened to all of that strength and energy I felt last week? What happened to the sobriety and my empowering distancing from Narc?

I also had weird dreams last night-- a few nightmares inspired by a hardcore video I saw. (That's when you know porn has gone too far-- when it haunts your dreams!) I also had a dream that I was teaching a class about John Ruskin. I was writing something on the board. It took a really long time to write the whole thing out. My hands were dry from the chalk and I was really tired. Beyond tired! On the verge of collapse. When I stepped back from the board I saw that all I wrote was chicken-scratch and it really freaked me out. I felt like I was losing my mind. It probably has to do with school/career anxiety. Ruskin et al were a part of a major paper I wrote my first year in the program.

Anyway, it's 3:00 pm and I haven't eaten yet today because I've been loathe to get out of bed and I've got no food in my house. I think I'm going to have to venture outside to get me some lunch!

When the world seems grim, and if all else fails, at least I have a new episode of Flava of Love recorded that I can watch later...

-h-