Money Makes the World Go Round

Of all the things for me to get upset with N about... money? MONEY? It's so unlike me to have any money issues with anyone, but there it is-- the first thing that made me massively unattracted to him-- that made me look at him and see an annoying smug little face, and want to shove it away from me.

Here's how it happened:

On Wednesday I felt like shit. I came home from teaching and napped the afternoon away. As I'm not a "napper," I think it was desperately needed. I got my act together by mid-afternoon and started working on the center-pieces for my mom's party, painting a ton of styrofoam with black sparkley paint and getting it all under my fingernails and on my kitchen counter. (It's tempera, though, so it came off fairly easily.) Then I set out for choir practice-- the last rehearsal before this Sunday's concert.

Choir practice was phenomenal. We have a guest singer coming in to sing a piece by Shostakovich called Antiformalist Rayok-- the singer? A phenomenal deep Russian bass who has performed at world renowned opera houses. To be that close to a singer with a voice of that size--one that rumbled inside my bones like that-- I swear, I was on the verge of having an orgasm right on the spot. It was fucking amazing.

During my rehearsal, I got a text from Narc. (He had already texted me several times Tuesday evening and Wednesday afternoon).

He wrote: In movie with screenwriters group now but out for drinks at 10:30 if you're around!!

I wrote back to him asking "where" and he told me to meet him at St. Andrew's at 44th and 6th. When I got there he was alone. He said he had been to see 2001 at the Ziegfeld, but that the rest of the group had parted ways. He was hungry and not feeling well. I was tired and not feeling well. I was sick and it was 11:00 pm. I had started my day at 6:00 am.

Nevertheless, we sat down at a table in the bar. He ordered some Scotch eggs, a beer and a glass of some fancy scotch. I got a pint of Boddingtons. (I never EVER drink beer, so I ordered it on Narc's recommendation. I wasn't planning on drinking at all, but Narc convinced me that beer "doesn't count." Well, okay...) Anyway, we hung out there for a while and all was okay, if not mediocre. I was too tired to be having much of a good time. I knew I could have drank my way through that and felt great, but I would have just been even sicker the next day. And as I was getting observed in my teaching today, I needed to keep myself in relatively decent shape.

The problem arose when the bill came. Narc complained that he had no money in his bank account-- that he was overdrawn and maxed out on his credit cards and that he only had $50 to his name.

"Didn't your mom just put money in your bank last week, or so?" I asked.

"Yeah, but that's all used up."

I had only ordered a $6 beer. I put down a $20 on the table and waited for change. Narc gave me back $8. And then he wanted more.

"No, actually, give me another dollar," he said.

"What? All I got was a beer... $13 for a beer?"

"Well, you owe me money anyway," he replied.

"What? What for?"

"Saturday night-- at Biddy Early's. I charged it..."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The two of us never count things like that. Sometimes I pay, and sometimes he pays. Plus, I've spent hundreds (if not thousands!) of dollars on late-night cabs to his place since I've met him and he's never chipped in for that. PLUS, remember the night when I paid his enormous bar tab at Cheers back in January? Remember what he said to me? (Actually, I'm not sure that I ever blogged it). But it was a particularly bad night-- January 21st. He showed up at Cheers wasted and got worse and worse, grabbed some girl's ass, was insulting me and got a little rough and I had to pay his bar tab that was over $100.

"You owe me one!" I said to him, at the time.

"I don't owe you anything," he said. "I bought you off a long time ago."

Anyway, I forgave him that...

Or how about in February when I got him a ticket to the opera. We went for brunch before hand and he had "no cash" so I paid. He said he had to "hit an ATM" but he never did He never paid me back-- even when the opera was my treat! I still paid for his brunch! I didn't care too much at the time, because we don't count pennies between us. But now he's going to go on and tell me that I owe him from Saturday night!?!? Especially when the same Saturday night I was buying him drinks at the View!

Amazing.

Anyway, back to Wednesday night. To make this all the more incredible, I didn't even think that I owed him anything. I didn't think he had paid for me that Saturday. I mean, I couldn't be sure, but I didn't black out that night, and normally I make a note of it if he spends a lot of money on me.

"Are you sure, Narc? I thought I covered it," I ventured.

"No, I'm sure," he said.

"But, didn't I go to an ATM that night?"

"Look, Hyde-- I'll check my credit card statement later and we'll figure it out."

What?!?!? UGHHH!!!!

It's interesting how much this pissed me off and disgusted me. Normally things he does that aren't "right" I somehow categorize as part of his woundedness. But this was so cold and so material that I couldn't classify it as anything other than appalling. It hurt even more because I know that he always throws money around on his friends-- especially women. I never ask him for anything and we generally both pick up the tab at different times. I've never used him for money even though he has much, much more than I do and I'm always stressed about it. I can't really afford his lifestyle. It's not like we're on an even keel. And here he is telling me to put in an extra dollar when I already gave him $12 for a $6 beer!

I couldn't even look at him.

But, then again, nor did I say anything about what was bothering me, and I think that's half of the problem right there.

I didn't want to be with him after that and I grew rather sullen. But when we got up to leave, he started walking Eastward, in the direction of my apartment and not in the direction of the subway or a downtown cab. I didn't say anything about him coming back to my place, nor did he.

When we were far enough East that it was clear he intended to come home with me, I started to get nervous. I hadn't cleaned my place up, I hadn't cleared my computer, etc.

"Um, Narc... my place is a war zone," I began. "It's not really in any sort of shape for company."

"Don't worry. I'll manage," he said.

Back at my house, I rushed to the computer first, and then to put the print-out of my blog away. I hate not being able to trust him, but I just can't after what happened in December. Then I made some popcorn and we watched TV. I put my head on his shoulder. I don't know why. It still felt good even though I was feeling anger and bitterness.

At around 2:00 am, he announced it was time for bed. But there was still tension in the air, at least on my part. Both of us left our underwear on and just went to sleep-- not even cuddling or anything. It was so bizarre, especially as my bed isn't as large as his-- it's only a double, and so we were practically on top of each other. I didn't care though. I didn't want to have sex. I didn't feel good about any of it.

The next morning, I was woken up by his coughing but managed to get a few more hours of sleep after that. We both got up at around noon and watched some more TV in my living room. I felt stiff and irritated with him still. No sex, no cuddling, no touching.

At one point he went online to check his email.

"Oh, let me check my statement!" he said.

Again, I couldn't believe it.

But then, I was vindicated. The charge was nowhere to be found.

"I told you, Narc! I remember going to the ATM in that vestibule. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah," he half-laughed. "So, maybe I owe you..."

"Whatever..."

Narc wanted to go to Houston's for lunch.

"Is it expensive?" I asked. (He's prone to eat at much pricier places than I).

"No... sandwiches are $10 or so..."

"Okay, fine."

We walked there together. I have to say, my burger was simply amazing! (It cost $12). I also got a drink and then a cup of coffee after the meal. Narc ordered a sandwich for $17. He also ordered a soda and a coffee and he got a dessert. When the bill came, the total was around $52 or so with tax and tip. Narc handed me a $20.

"It's all that I have," he said. "I'm just keeping the last $20 so I don't starve."

That $20 barely covered his sandwich plus tax let alone tip and the extras. If he knew he didn't have the money, why did he order so much? Normally I wouldn't care at all about picking up a few extra dollars for him, but after being told that I "owed him money" for drinks Saturday night, I was in no mood to be generous.

But, true to form, generous I was.

"If that's the end of your money, why don't you just keep it, Narc, and owe me?"

"I don't know... I don't like owing anyone money," he said.

"Well, fine. It's up to you. But I'm sure I'll see you soon, and it's not a big deal to me to get it from you later once you have cash in the bank again."

After lunch we parted ways. I was still seething, but didn't show a sign of it on the surface. (This why my therapist calls me a "phony"-- for constantly compromising myself). I was not happy with the whole Narc-experience this time round. It seems like all we ever talk about these days is how we both feel stuck in a rut and how we both drink too much and how we're just waiting for change to happen (which I know is total bullshit because change will not happen until I make it happen.)

I don't even feel like looking at him right now, though. I am so angry and offended.

He broke the terms of our agreement.

Anyway, I just got through teaching a long day and I'm starving, so I'll leave it at that. Hammer came over last night and we had a great time before the DateRapeGuy incident. I think I'm going to try to get some decent sleep tonight. Everyone seems to be run down or sick around here... Me, Narc, B, Sing-Man, etc...

So, I guess that's it...

Have a good weekend if I'm not back to update sooner!

love,
Hyde