I know I still need to write Part II of my last post, but I need to blog without thinking right now... So, forgive the inconsistency in my narrative. (Is that all I have in my life now? A fucked up narrative? Whatever...)
There's so much about my life that I want to change.
Why do I feel like I can't change anything?
Narc told me he wasn't having an Oscar party. Then he invited me to his place on Monday morning. When I got there, he was hung over and his house was a wreck from a party. I helped him clean it. It made me feel close to him, doing something for him, with him... something quiet and domestic. We had sex and I let him go down on me for the first time in seven months. So he kept wanting to have sex over and over all day, because he doesn't know when that's coming again, and I guess he really likes it. He was very passionate. Old-school Narc. For me, it's too intimate to share with someone who is not even my "friend." I don't know what he is to me. I don't know why I let him do it yesterday. It made me happy at the time-- I felt like he loved me and wanted me. But it was a stupid move-- it compromised my dignity. ("Just surrender," he said). And it made me feel close to him in a way that's too dangerous for me. I don't know why I let it happen.
In the bubble of illusion we had a lovely afternoon. (Want to buy some illusions? Slightly used? Second hand?) I pretended that we are in love. He gave me the first third of his screenplay to read. I felt honored and valued. (But I'm NOT!) I had plans to watch 24 with Hammer and Bezoukhoff and so I invited Narc along. He declined, so we parted ways at around 7:00. Later he texted me asking if he could come after all. He didn't show up until after midnight, though. Hammer, Bezoukhoff, NDN and I were at Cheers. I was getting drunk, and god damn it, I don't know why. WHY??? Why do I do these things? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I had FIFTEEN drinks last night in about three hours. WHY? Absolutley no reason at all. I suck. I don't remember the end of the night. I woke up on my couch naked and shivering. I was confused. Narc's shoes and coat were here, though. I got up and went into the bedroom. There he was.
"Why did I sleep on the couch last night?" I asked.
"I couldn't get you into bed," he said.
"Oh."
I climbed in next to him and slept for another few hours. We had lunch today at the diner before he had to head to therapy. I felt depressed-- far away from him, embarrassed and unhappy with myself. I hate myself so much sometimes. We just sat there eating, both talking about how miserable we are and how we feel stuck in our lives. Narc always says that he is totally alone in the world with just the characters in his head that he is trying to write. That makes me feel sad and undervalued because I love him (I think) and I've seen him every single day this week (except Sunday) so, if that makes him "alone" than it means I am entirely out of the equation for him--invisible and inconsequential. I felt cut down to nothingness. So small. I don't matter. I was so angry at myself for drinking the night before. He's probably right-- I'm not good enough for him.
I just feel sad today. Sad and stuck. And grimy. I feel somehow unclean.
-h-
5 comments:
Oh Hyde. Why do you keep clinging to that shed of a man? He is taking you down with him. You can't save him. So save yourself.
What is up w/ Double TT. Do you realize that you might be able to have the same kind of feeling for another man. A man that will make you happy, not make you question every single action in your life. Do you realize you don't make a decision unless you think about how it will make an action/reaction in N's life.
You need to do what you want to do, and if there is time for N to fit in between the cracks of you life, then fine. Why do you make all your decisions based on where or what N might be doing.
Unless something drastic took place between TT and you, I don't see why you don't start spending more quality time w/ him...and let N be the once every other week guy that TT is now? You deserve happiness....YOU DO. Allow yourself that, I know it's hard. I do understand that...I lived that too.
You will never be successful in life if you can't let this part of you go.
You are good enough for anyone...in fact you are too good for Narc (and I believe we've beat that subject with a wet noodle before). What you have to believe is that you are good enough for yourself.
What you are doing, trying to change, is the hardest thing (and most necessary) to do in the world. No one likes it. Often we all fail several times before we get it right.
Just pick yourself up, and try again (Gods, but I'm sickeningly optimistic today, aren't I?).
I agree with Spins. Nevermind narc and whether you're good enough for him or whether he's good enough for you....You have to try to believe in yourself. You don't have to define yourself through the eyes of other people.
easy to say, I know. Fuck what narc thinks. If he doesn't see what he's got, then he's a bigger idiot than I thought.
ST
He's probably right-- I'm not good enough for him.
That's not it at all. You call him "Narc" for a reason, remember? He's involved with himself more than anyone else. Stop giving his opinion of you more weight than it deserves. You are awesome and there are literally dozens of people who will tell you that. You are well-liked and loved by many, why does Narc matter so much?
They are all so right, Hyde.
But I think you know that already.
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