A Cave called "Narc"

I've been in a cave called "Narc."

I went to see him on Wednesday evening after choir. The plan was to watch the boys on American Idol as we had done the previous two Wednesdays. But he sent me a text telling me to meet him at the Patriot first.

Uh Oh...

I was tired and not in the mood to drink too much and so I only had seven over 5-6 hours. That got me tipsy, but I was not wasted-drunk. Narc was another story. Who knows how much he drank. We ended up fighting, fighting, fighting and I ended up in tears. It was a bad scene. Too much was said-- things that are true, but things that are better left unsaid when it comes to me and Narc.

We left the bar at around 5:00 am. Back at his place we continued to fight and it turned into a psycho-sexual-physical-tearful-violent mess. I was begging him to let me go to sleep and he wouldn't. Finally at around 6:30 am, I got him to bed. I had been awake for a full 24 hours at that point and had cried, shouted, fucked and defended myself into a fatigue that was beyond belief. (Although, what do I have to complain about? Jack Bauer does it all the time, right?)

Anyway, the next morning I woke up feeling emotionally stunned and physically wrecked. I got up at 11:00 and left his bedroom, moving onto the living room couch. I needed space from him, but I was too tired to move more than that. I knew I should go home, but I didn't want to. I felt somehow paralyzed about it. (If this were a year ago, I might have left some dramatic "goodbye forever!" note, but really--what's the point? I knew it wasn't "goodbye forever.")

So I watched a few recorded episodes of the old Twilight Zone. I had a voice lesson to get to at 1:30, but knew I couldn't do it. My voice was completely bottomed out, and my body was too exhausted to stand, let alone sing. So I called and cancelled. I couldn't think of an excuse, so I just said a "personal problem" came up. It's true, isn't it?

Then I crawled back in bed with Narc. He snuggled me as if all were right with the world. So I buried my face in his neck, as if it were a cave in which I could hide everything. He finally woke up at around 2:00. I also acted as if all were right with the world. Not a word was said about the terror of the previous night, and I liked it better that way. It started to make me think-- maybe I dwell on everything too much. I mean, what would have been the point of rehashing the night before when neither of us is willing to change-- to act on it or do anything about it. Besides, he was probably too drunk to remember the worst of it and if I brought it up, he would just accuse me of lying and it would start another fight.

So we were "friends" again. We ordered in amazing sushi, watched last night's Idol and then walked to the video store and rented Blade Runner on DVD. (There was a funny moment for me in the video store when Narc was standing under a poster for the movie "Narc." Ha ha.)

And I ignored the world. I forgot I had afternoon plans with B and felt really guilty when B called, telling me he had shown up at my apartment, but I wasn't home. I also had tentative dinner plans with TT, which I called him to break. (Originally we had plans to hang out this weekend, but a good friend of his lost his mother and TT was headed to Vermont. I told him I would try to figure something out for Thursday instead, but we left it up in the air. Besides, it wasn't like I totally ditched him in favor of Narc. I just didn't feel physically/emotionally capable of navigating a date last night on top of it all).

So, I stayed in my cave called "Narc." After Blade Runner Narc wanted to watch Alien. I guess it was a Ridley Scott kind of night. He had started drinking gin and tonics during Blade Runner, although I decided not to drink at all. So by the time Alien was over, he was pretty toasted. It was 11:00 pm. Hammer called. I hadn't spoken to her all day, which is unusual for us. Narc and I watched the American Idol results show. I knew I had to be up at 6:00 am this morning, and that I had to go back home first to get my teaching stuff. Narc didn't want me to leave. He tried to "cuddle me into submission." It worked. I didn't really want to leave him either.

We ordered in Domino's (the only thing around open after midnight) as we had forgotten to eat dinner. Then we had some incredible sex (channeling all of the tension we were in denial about) and fell asleep at around 1:00 am. I got up this morning at 5:20 and headed home to get my teaching stuff and to clean myself up.

So here I am-- Friday morning, about to embark on my crazy-teaching day, and once again, I've had virtually no sleep. I really can't keep doing this.

In terms of Narc and everything else, I don't know what to think. I definitely don't want to rehash our fight here, as the issues are nothing incredibly new. I was very honest with him while it was going on, in terms of what I think about us and what I think about him. But he was drunk and irrational. The only thing that is freaking me out a little is that he was unusually rough and at one point while getting physical, he kept yelling at me "you are so weak!" I don't know what that was about, but clearly he was projecting/taking something out on me that has more to do with his own self-hatred than with anything I've done. And that scared me.

Anyway... I'm too tired to think of what to do about it all right now. I'm tired of thinking about what to do about it all in general. I want my life to be about something else for the moment. I want a different kind of energy today. I want to post about something happier. So perhaps another post will be forthcoming later in the day.

I'm so tired I'm nauseous. I hope you are all more refreshed than I this Friday!

love,
h