I've been reduced to blogging in installments! I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to write again, but I'm on a lunch break right now. So I'm going to have to write in little drips until I have a better chunk of time. Here's Tuesday-Wednesday in a little more detail...
I've had a somewhat disheartening week. Well... nevermind that. It's actually been a pretty good week. I'm just really upset about yesterday's incident with B. I feel trapped under a rock in a lot of ways. B is angry at me and even though I understand why, I also don't know what to do about it. I literally feel like I'm under a rock that's too heavy for me to move, and he's there yelling at me: "Move that rock or I have nothing else to say to you!" Everything seems so much easier when you're a safe distance away from my head. I don't know what to say to my friends sometimes...
I sent him an email yesterday saying:
:( Sorry. I hate myself.
He texted me this morning:
I love my H.
But the shitty part is, that doesn't make it any better and I still feel trapped. I don't know what to do.
Anyway, the week started off well. Hammer and I had a blast on 24-night and then I really enjoyed my cabaret class on Tuesday. Before the class, I sang all afternoon at home (wasting a lot of time, but loving every minute of it!) Then, B came over for a few hours. I cooked him some food and liked being the nurturer. Finally, at class, I settled on singing Big Spender, which is totally uncharacteristic of me, given my shyness, but the class really seemed to like it. I always get a ride home from a classmate-- an extremely overweight gay man who sounds like Nathan Lane when he talks. He was encouraging me the whole ride home.
"You're no scrappy little thing," he said. "Use it to your advantage in that song! Throw your body behind it. Use those hips! You're sexy! Let them see it! The audience will adore you!"
Even though I had a lot of work to do that night, I wanted to stop by Cheers and say hi to IrishBird. I only drank soda though-- no booze.
PreppyGirl was there on a date with some boy. They had just been to see Hairspray. I also saw a fairly new regular-- FloridaMan. He seems to be a budding "suitor," although I have no interest in him at all. He lives in Florida, but his company has him working here for a few months and he goes back there on the weekends. It sounds exhausting! Anyway, I started to tell IrishBird about my week and I mentioned that I had a concert on Sunday.
"Really? Where was your concert?" she asked.
"At a church in the Village."
"You sing in a church?"
"Yeah..."
"A church, Hyde? A church???"
"Yeah! I rehearse in a church too-- every week."
She started to laugh. (IrishBird is "Catholic," but she's really more into Evangelical Christianity and stuff like that).
"I'm surprised its walls didn't fall down around you when you walked in," she joked.
"Hey! C'mon! I'm a multifaceted girl," I protested.
"Yeah, that's not too nice," PreppyGirl chimed in.
"You don't know the things that I know about her!" IrishBird told PreppyGirl, winking at me.
I was a little annoyed at the turn of conversation, but it seemed to make PreppyGirl a little jealous. I think she has an "Anxious" complex and likes to compete in "who's more wild."
Of course this whole conversation only did more to pique the interest of FloridaMan who was seated to my right, and was now imagining just what it was that IrishBird knew about me that would crumble a church to its foundation. He called me by my name, specifically, and asked if he could buy me a drink.
"I'm not drinking tonight, but thanks."
I told IrishBird that I was going to hear BarMan play in the Village the next night.
"Will you be back here Thursday?" FloridaMan asked me.
"Um, probably... don't know... not sure."
I left shortly after that.
Back at home, I tried to grade some exams, but couldn't get myself to do much due to utter exhaustion. So I went to bed at midnight and set the alarm to get up at 5:00 am the next day.
Yes, the next morning I felt "Dying...!" (In the illustrious words of Narc!) but I finished that stack of exams and made it through my morning teaching. After my office hours I went home to vegetate with Tuesday night's Idol and texted with Narc a bit.
The afternoon passed quickly, and before I knew it, it was time for me to set off for a four hour choir practice. I knew I would be going straight to BarMan's show afterwards, so I got dressed nicely (and did some gorgeous blue eye makeup).
Wednesday night turned into some more Narc-drama.
...To be continued...
Friday, March 31, 2006
Paying the Piper
I'm so tired, I might die.
My sleep this week?
Monday night: 4 hours
Tuesday night: 5 hours
Wednesday: Woke up at 5:00 am, stayed up til 5:00 am... a full 24 hrs, before passing out until about 1:00 in the afternoon.
Thursday night: 4 hours
Narc and I were out drinking Wednesday night. Then, Thursday afternoon he wanted to get pitchers of margaritas with lunch (which we did). It left me woozy, and I had to go meet Bezoukhoff, but Narc wanted to go back to the Patriot after lunch. I walked him there and said goodbye at around 5:00 pm.
Last night at about 12:30 am, he called me. His speech was slurred.
"Hyde! I'm still at the Patriot!" he said.
That means that he spent 12 of 24 hours drinking in that dive.
I asked if he were still there alone and he said that he was with CouchSleeper. That made me feel a little better.
Why am I up so early today? I have to teach at 9:00 am, but before that I have to grade all of the exams I failed to grade yesterday.
And after my murderous six hours of teaching this afternoon, I have to head to Long Island to go to a party with my mom-- some kind of lawyers-association benefit/karaoke party. Then tomorrow I have to wake up early and slave over those centerpieces since they have to be done by Saturday night and I still have barely made a dent.
Yes, I feel awful. I also feel awful that B is so upset with me for standing him up yesterday.
Today is about paying the piper. Might I collapse?
-h-
My sleep this week?
Monday night: 4 hours
Tuesday night: 5 hours
Wednesday: Woke up at 5:00 am, stayed up til 5:00 am... a full 24 hrs, before passing out until about 1:00 in the afternoon.
Thursday night: 4 hours
Narc and I were out drinking Wednesday night. Then, Thursday afternoon he wanted to get pitchers of margaritas with lunch (which we did). It left me woozy, and I had to go meet Bezoukhoff, but Narc wanted to go back to the Patriot after lunch. I walked him there and said goodbye at around 5:00 pm.
Last night at about 12:30 am, he called me. His speech was slurred.
"Hyde! I'm still at the Patriot!" he said.
That means that he spent 12 of 24 hours drinking in that dive.
I asked if he were still there alone and he said that he was with CouchSleeper. That made me feel a little better.
Why am I up so early today? I have to teach at 9:00 am, but before that I have to grade all of the exams I failed to grade yesterday.
And after my murderous six hours of teaching this afternoon, I have to head to Long Island to go to a party with my mom-- some kind of lawyers-association benefit/karaoke party. Then tomorrow I have to wake up early and slave over those centerpieces since they have to be done by Saturday night and I still have barely made a dent.
Yes, I feel awful. I also feel awful that B is so upset with me for standing him up yesterday.
Today is about paying the piper. Might I collapse?
-h-
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Song Choices
So, I've got my three songs for the cabaret!
Song #1: I Had Myself a True Love, Harold Arlen
Song # 2: As Long As He Needs Me, Lionel Bart
Song # 3: Big Spender, Cy Colman
I'm especially afraid of performing Big Spender anywhere except at home in front of my own mirror. But isn't that why I took this class? To challenge myself?
In any case, I'm finding the whole cabaret thing to be "fun! fun! fun!"
(okay, pardon my dorky sense of humor).
later...
-h-
Song #1: I Had Myself a True Love, Harold Arlen
Song # 2: As Long As He Needs Me, Lionel Bart
Song # 3: Big Spender, Cy Colman
I'm especially afraid of performing Big Spender anywhere except at home in front of my own mirror. But isn't that why I took this class? To challenge myself?
In any case, I'm finding the whole cabaret thing to be "fun! fun! fun!"
(okay, pardon my dorky sense of humor).
later...
-h-
In Sync
I woke up this morning at 5:30 am, graded exams, and went to teach. Then, I came home and started eating lunch and watching last night's Idol at around 11:10 am.
Narc just texted me: Wow. Everyone's eating it on "Idol"...
So, of course, I called him right away.
"Narc, are you watching Idol right now???"
"Yeah..."
"Me too!!!"
"Yeah, well I woke up early this morning to do work and now I'm just taking a lunch break and catching up on Idol," he said. "But they're all bad! Lisa was bad, Pickler was bad and Ace was bad!"
"Wait-- what? You just saw the first three?"
"Yeah, Taylor is about to sing."
"ME TOO!!! I also woke up early today and I'm also taking a lunch break and watching Idol and I'm also exactly up to the part where Taylor is about to go on! Isn't that strange???"
"Yeah, I guess... They suck though. The best line of the night so far-- Simon to Pickler: Of thousands of songs from the past six years, you picked a song called Suds in the Bucket!"
"I know! So... How's your writing coming? Hope you're making progress towards you April 1st deadline!"
"Yeah... I've got to write, write, write..." He sounded kind of uncomfortable-- like he wanted to get off the phone. "I even cancelled my Eight at Eight tonight."
"Well, good, then... I guess I'll let you get back to it!"
"Okay."
"Talk to you soon."
"Yeah, sure. I'm sure we will."
"Bye."
So, we are in sync.
Strange.
Narc just texted me: Wow. Everyone's eating it on "Idol"...
So, of course, I called him right away.
"Narc, are you watching Idol right now???"
"Yeah..."
"Me too!!!"
"Yeah, well I woke up early this morning to do work and now I'm just taking a lunch break and catching up on Idol," he said. "But they're all bad! Lisa was bad, Pickler was bad and Ace was bad!"
"Wait-- what? You just saw the first three?"
"Yeah, Taylor is about to sing."
"ME TOO!!! I also woke up early today and I'm also taking a lunch break and watching Idol and I'm also exactly up to the part where Taylor is about to go on! Isn't that strange???"
"Yeah, I guess... They suck though. The best line of the night so far-- Simon to Pickler: Of thousands of songs from the past six years, you picked a song called Suds in the Bucket!"
"I know! So... How's your writing coming? Hope you're making progress towards you April 1st deadline!"
"Yeah... I've got to write, write, write..." He sounded kind of uncomfortable-- like he wanted to get off the phone. "I even cancelled my Eight at Eight tonight."
"Well, good, then... I guess I'll let you get back to it!"
"Okay."
"Talk to you soon."
"Yeah, sure. I'm sure we will."
"Bye."
So, we are in sync.
Strange.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
A Letter from Anxious and a Question
A Letter from Anxious:
The writing in boldface is hers. The italicized text is excerpts from an email that I sent to her. The code-names "Hipster" and "Pioneer" (her name for BulgarianGuy) are her terms that she casually threw into the email even though I don't use those names with her and have never heard them before. What reason does she have to be using codes in a personal email? Kind of strange... Anyway, does anyone else see what is so quintessentially "Anxious" about this letter? Do you see her passive competitiveness?
*******************************************************
HI!!
Sorry I've been such a flake getting back to you!
No worries...figured you were busy and predicted you'd check in at some point, and I was right!
I thought of you at choir practice last night b/c at the end of the Shostakovich piece, we all have to start dancing around in glee. It's like your dream choir performance!
OOHHH!! That sounds like so much fun!!! And did you know Shostakovich is my favorite composer???
Did you go to JKid's thing? Was it fun?
Well, I intended to go, but on the late side -- the Hipster and I spent the day at Ikea so I needed to come back, unpack stuff, shower, change, etc. I got to the Lower East Side about 11:30 and the Hipster called and said everyone had had a drink and left early, and the second half the the party was going to be at a notoriously raunchy gay bar (called Cock...subtle!) and nobody was going to that except gay men. So I ended up missing it and just met up with the Hipster and the Pioneer for drinks. They knew I was feeling nostalgic about having met them both a year ago, and they like each other a lot anyhow, although the Hipster keeps complaining that when we go out together, especially if I'm all dressed up and showing cleavage, everyone thinks I'm his hot date and he has no chances with women!
My life has been chaotic b/c I've been sick for about a week and a half.
Sick again?? Oy, you need more sleep! Me too. Did I tell you I had strep recently? I was totally knocked out for a week and half as well, and I kept on promising people I'd do things in "a day or so" and not getting better. I got way behind on work, since I didn't feel like talking (shocking!) or interviewing ANYBODY.
At the same time I've had to give (and grade midterms).
I have a midterm horror story. There's this one class I've been really struggling in. Well, I studied like crazy and felt I aced the midterm. I was shocked and delighted because I figured the teacher would finally see I was smart and could speak Spanish after all. Well, her car was broken into and her briefcase stolen with about half the midterms ungraded -- mine among them. Not only do I have to redo the test (arduous!), but she'll never know, now that it's take home, how well I did the first time with no help/texts/dictionaries etc. Urk.
Plus, I had three dates on last Thursday (don't ask... but it was the usual-- Narc, Stallion and then the new guy). Whatever... chaos seems to like me (or vice versa)
You spicy thing, you! ;) Personally I think multiple men is a good idea. I always said I needed two husbands and at the moment I have them. BulgarianGuy's always working late, so I go out for long, leisurely dinners with wine with the Hipster. We shop for furniture, do brunch, go shopping, go to concerts -- the usual couple-y stuff, much of which Bulgi is not interested in (shopping, etc.). Except we don't sleep together, so that's where things diverge, but honestly I've got no interest in sleeping with him anyhow. :)
This weekend I'm headed to LI to see my stepbrother and then I've got my concert on Sunday, but maybe we can meet up this week or something?
Why don't we do lunch? I am back working at the German bank which is about four blocks from your house. And my boss is away Tues. through Thurs., so I'm pretty flexible. Let me know about lunch. I can catch you up on my nutty life -- I just moved, and did I tell you about the Natalie situation? It's a lulu, as my mother would say.
Love,
A
**************************
Oh, and here's my question...
Would you rather be in love with someone and have it be totally unreciprocated or would you rather have someone be in love with you and have it be totally unreciprocated?
(I can't remember who I just had this conversation with... Hammer or NDN or someone else. But there it is...)
-h-
The writing in boldface is hers. The italicized text is excerpts from an email that I sent to her. The code-names "Hipster" and "Pioneer" (her name for BulgarianGuy) are her terms that she casually threw into the email even though I don't use those names with her and have never heard them before. What reason does she have to be using codes in a personal email? Kind of strange... Anyway, does anyone else see what is so quintessentially "Anxious" about this letter? Do you see her passive competitiveness?
*******************************************************
HI!!
Sorry I've been such a flake getting back to you!
No worries...figured you were busy and predicted you'd check in at some point, and I was right!
I thought of you at choir practice last night b/c at the end of the Shostakovich piece, we all have to start dancing around in glee. It's like your dream choir performance!
OOHHH!! That sounds like so much fun!!! And did you know Shostakovich is my favorite composer???
Did you go to JKid's thing? Was it fun?
Well, I intended to go, but on the late side -- the Hipster and I spent the day at Ikea so I needed to come back, unpack stuff, shower, change, etc. I got to the Lower East Side about 11:30 and the Hipster called and said everyone had had a drink and left early, and the second half the the party was going to be at a notoriously raunchy gay bar (called Cock...subtle!) and nobody was going to that except gay men. So I ended up missing it and just met up with the Hipster and the Pioneer for drinks. They knew I was feeling nostalgic about having met them both a year ago, and they like each other a lot anyhow, although the Hipster keeps complaining that when we go out together, especially if I'm all dressed up and showing cleavage, everyone thinks I'm his hot date and he has no chances with women!
My life has been chaotic b/c I've been sick for about a week and a half.
Sick again?? Oy, you need more sleep! Me too. Did I tell you I had strep recently? I was totally knocked out for a week and half as well, and I kept on promising people I'd do things in "a day or so" and not getting better. I got way behind on work, since I didn't feel like talking (shocking!) or interviewing ANYBODY.
At the same time I've had to give (and grade midterms).
I have a midterm horror story. There's this one class I've been really struggling in. Well, I studied like crazy and felt I aced the midterm. I was shocked and delighted because I figured the teacher would finally see I was smart and could speak Spanish after all. Well, her car was broken into and her briefcase stolen with about half the midterms ungraded -- mine among them. Not only do I have to redo the test (arduous!), but she'll never know, now that it's take home, how well I did the first time with no help/texts/dictionaries etc. Urk.
Plus, I had three dates on last Thursday (don't ask... but it was the usual-- Narc, Stallion and then the new guy). Whatever... chaos seems to like me (or vice versa)
You spicy thing, you! ;) Personally I think multiple men is a good idea. I always said I needed two husbands and at the moment I have them. BulgarianGuy's always working late, so I go out for long, leisurely dinners with wine with the Hipster. We shop for furniture, do brunch, go shopping, go to concerts -- the usual couple-y stuff, much of which Bulgi is not interested in (shopping, etc.). Except we don't sleep together, so that's where things diverge, but honestly I've got no interest in sleeping with him anyhow. :)
This weekend I'm headed to LI to see my stepbrother and then I've got my concert on Sunday, but maybe we can meet up this week or something?
Why don't we do lunch? I am back working at the German bank which is about four blocks from your house. And my boss is away Tues. through Thurs., so I'm pretty flexible. Let me know about lunch. I can catch you up on my nutty life -- I just moved, and did I tell you about the Natalie situation? It's a lulu, as my mother would say.
Love,
A
**************************
Oh, and here's my question...
Would you rather be in love with someone and have it be totally unreciprocated or would you rather have someone be in love with you and have it be totally unreciprocated?
(I can't remember who I just had this conversation with... Hammer or NDN or someone else. But there it is...)
-h-
24 Night!
Last night's 24 KICKED ASS!!! It was my favorite episode of the season, and anyone who knows me (and saw the show) will very clearly know why. However, I'll refrain from saying more until our friends across the pond are up to date.
Let's just put it this way-- it gave me something about which to fantasize (other than troubled sex with Narc)...
Hammer came over to watch the show. It was a classic 24-night with Hammer! But before she got here, I had to make a run to Duane Reade to get light bulbs. On the way there, I bumped into NDN coming back from the gym. He agreed to walk me to the drug store, where he recommended I buy a new energy drink--Kabbalah Energy Drink.
It's a red bull knock off and the cans are twice the size. He said it was pretty potent stuff. I'm a caffeine junky and pretty much take it to stabilize, so I was sure whatever it was, it wouldn't make me too jittery. As I sit here and type I'm trying out my first can. The taste (even though sugar free) is a tad too sweet, but I'm feeling a little sharper-- a little less muddy-- and that's the best caffeinated feeling there is!!!
NDN also brought back a bucket of fried chicken from Georgia (which he graciously shared with me on Sunday night) and he promised that there was another piece saved "with my name on it." He brought the chicken over at around 11:00.
Hammer and I stayed up talking WAY later than we should have! It was a good theraputic talk though. In addition to our ever-present issues with "boys," she was having blogger issues-- wanting to keep both her haloscan comments and get regular blogger comments going as well, and she couldn't figure out how to do it. I have a very low tolerance for frustration and get super-invested in figuring things out when there's a problem like that posed, so I was determined to help her. (I especially get like that with things computer related!) Even though she left here at about 1:30 am, I stayed online until nearly 3:00 am until I worked it out for her. Hammer was online back at her place too, so we chatted a little more before bed. I can't wait to see how the next chapter in her SingMan saga unfolds!
As for Narc, he texted me yesterday: Off to screenwriters meeting. How was your concert?
That screenwriters meeting is in my neighborhood and meets twice a month. Over the past month or so, he's always called me after the meeting. I didn't text him back right away, but wondered if he would call me after the meeting anyway. He didn't. "Playing it cool," I guess. It's just as well, as I was exhausted and with Hammer... But the politics of it... It still threw me off a bit.
I eventually wrote back: Concert was great. The audience gave us a standing O. :) Hope you had fun at meeting...
Hmm... What else is going on? B and I had a "heart to heart" of sorts yesterday that I don't really want to get into. He's coming over this afternoon for a few hours today. What else...? I had therapy this morning and that went pretty well, if only because I blabbed the whole time and didn't have to face up to any real critique because there was no time for it.
Oh-- also, I've taken to watching Intervention on A&E. It's depressing but most compelling. It has me transfixed. Last night (at 4:00 am) I also watched Spying on Myself on A&E. That show has a really strange premise!
I've got a really busy week coming up... Cabaret tonight and grading midterms; teaching tomorrow and then choir practice and then BarMan's show at Back Fence; going to a museum opening with Bezoukhoff on Thursday; teaching all day Friday and then going to a benefit dinner with my mom; going to hear Barbara Cook at the Carlyle on Saturday (possibly followed by a party with NDN and Hammer); singing in another concert on Sunday... Oh yeah-- and I have to finish those centerpieces and do some actual real work in between all that too!
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm really in no mood to blog. My eyes are stinging too much. I want to close them. I really need some sleep!
Hope you are all well!
:)
hyde
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I Can't Give You Anything
I had my concert tonight. And now I have Tchaikovsky in my head-- a syrupy romantic chorus called Nature and Love (1870), to be exact.
My stomach is full right now. B came to hear my concert and afterwards we ate at Dallas BBQ on 8th street.
I'm in a strange mood right now. I kind of want to write about my weekend, but on the other hand, I'm not much in the mood to write.
I'm not quite sure what to think of the fact that Narc has been around so much lately, that he keeps coming to my apartment, or that I'm feeling less in love with him-- even on some level disgusted with him. I don't think I'm really disgusted with him. I think I'm disgusted with myself.
When I was younger and wildly morbid I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time. On Friday when I took a shower I blasted Showboat on my stereo. That seems to have become a new mini-ritual for me on Fridays-- an early evening bath or shower with some kind of sweeping romantic (and intensely private) music. I was listening to Old Man River. I used to listen to that song and think "yeah-- that's me. I'm 'tired of living but scared of dying.'" But when I heard it this time, I realized that it's just the opposite is true. "I'm tired of dying but scared of living." I think that's why I disgust myself these days.
In any case, he called me on Friday night and I got up out of bed and paid for his cab and went to drink with him. I'm a little disappointed in myself because I had been trying to "tough it out" and stay home that night. I had been feeling anxious and lonely and texted B telling him so.
I know the feeling. And I love my "H" SO!!! he wrote back.
Later, he sent me another text: Huuuggggggggg!!!!!!!!
And then: How's my favorite "H" doing?
I told him that I was still feeling lonely and anxious and awful, and that I had the urge to go out drinking, but that I also felt loved.
Very loved! he wrote. SO! Take it easy and get some rest, okay? You'll be glad tomorrow. I promise.
B was probably right, but Narc called. And out with Narc I went! We decided on Manchester Pub (it was likely not very crowded and Narc insists on a seat at the bar-- a place to "perch," as he puts it). On the way there bumped into an actor-friend of his, right on Second Avenue! Narc introduced me.
"Where are you guys off to?" his friend asked.
"To get drunk," Narc said.
I smiled.
"I haven't seen that guy since my Oscar-party!" Narc commented as we continued on our way.
The Oscar-party that was just a "few" close friends? The Oscar-party to which I was "dis-invited"?
Everything was fine at Manchester. He asked me for cigarettes.
"I don't have any on me," I told him.
He was surprised.
"Why are you so surprised? I don't smoke that much anymore..." I put my hand on my neck. "The voice-- remember?"
He was disappointed.
"Why don't you go buy us some?" I passed him a twenty.
"Are you sure? I'll get you back all the money, Hyde," he said.
"Whatever... You don't have to pay me for the cigarettes. But, to be honest, I was annoyed that you said I owed you money."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I mean, since when do we keep track of things like that? It's ridiculous! You pay sometimes, I pay sometimes. Since when do I owe you for getting drinks last week?"
"But you--"
"Narc-- if we're gonna start seeing who owes money here, what about when we went the opera and I paid your brunch or in January at Cheers when I paid that huge tab?"
"What, are you keeping track or something?" He looked pissed off.
"No, I'm not keeping track! It's just that both those times you hurt my feelings. With the opera, I got you the ticket so I expected a 'thank you.' And that time at Cheers, do you remember what you said to me? Do you remember what you said? I bought you off a long time ago. That's what you said!"
He looked at me for a moment.
"Okay, you're right. You're right, Hyde. You're right. I'm sorry. It's just... Well, I just called my mom a week and a half ago, and I don't have anything now, so I-- I mean, I guess I was just scrounging around for what I could... But you're right. I don't like being like that with money with friends."
He smiled at me and touched my hair. He put a piece of hair behind my ear in the way that I love.
"Well, okay," I smiled back. "Go get the cigarettes. Do you know where to go?"
"I think I can manage," he said.
When he came back with the cigarettes he told me he saw a couple hail a cab. The man thought he would be joining the woman in the cab, but she jumped in, said good night, closed the door and totally shut him down.
"Was the guy upset?" I asked Narc.
"Nah. He took it like a man."
The rest of the night went on okay. At one point, I said something about when I lived with B.
"Wait-- you guys lived together!?!" he asked. "I didn't know that!"
"Yeah! For two years! 2000-2002."
At another point we had an alarmingly strange conversation in which Narc told me that he doesn't understand why people are so afraid of death.
"I also hate when everyone gets so wrapped up in the whole mystery of things," he said. "It's no mystery. I know what happens when you die. I've been there! I've seen it!"
He was very drunk and was escalating his voice to drown out the objections he anticipated from me.
"Yes, Hyde! I've seen it! I know!"
"Well, maybe people are afraid of death because they'll miss their loved ones and their loved ones will miss them. Even if you believe, as apparently you do, that death is not a permanent end, it's still an end to something."
"Whatever... how much could you miss someone?" he grinned.
"A lot," I said.
This was an increasingly bizarre conversation-- the kind of stupid conversation I should have shrugged off but in which I somehow found myself suddenly invested.
"Hasn't anyone close to you ever died?"
He rolled his eyes at me. "You know the answer to that Hyde!"
"I do?"
"The closest person to me was Sal-- the bartender at the Tavern who died this summer. Remember that? I came to see you and we came here. We were sitting here! Right here!" he said, slapping the bar.
"Well, take it from me then, you can't imagine how much you can miss someone."
I felt sad.
At around 3:00 am I had a text appear from Hammer. (I think she sent it earlier but for some reason it didn't show until then.)
"Tell Hammer she's a wanker!" he said. "Go ahead. Text her that!"
Uh oh. "Wanker-Narc." I needed to cut the drinking.
"You must be gone," I said.
"What do you mean?"
"You said 'wanker.' I think it's time to go home."
When the bill came, it drew attention to the whole "money-issue" again. I'm not sure I remember why (as I was going on six drinks and was tipsy), but Narc got upset at me. We were sitting there on barstools when he hit me in the chest. It wasn't a hard hit or anything, but it upset me. And it was enough for the bartender to come over to us.
"Woah! What's that?" she said. "I think you should cut it."
"Yeah, Narc! Don't treat me like that!" I was angry now. "You can't do things like that!"
"Okay, fine, Hyde. I'm just an awful person then."
"Let's go," I said, putting the tip down and heading towards the door.
He stood on the street outside, swaying back and forth like one of those standing punching bags that kids like to play with.
"I'm just horrible to you."
"You're not horrible, but you can't get rough with me like that when you're drunk! You've done it before and it's not cool."
"Nope, I'm bad, Hyde! Awful, bad, miserable, terrible! Just go! GO! Leave me here and go!"
He was slurring his words and was clearly not about to reason with me.
"I'm not leaving you here. Come on..."
"No! Leave! Go! I'm so awful, you shouldn't be with me. GO!!!"
"Narc! You're really drunk and have no money. We're nowhere near your place. I'm not leaving you here on the street at 3:30 in the morning! Let's go! Let's just go home. I don't want to fight."
After a few more protests, he must have realized that I was right about his predicament, because he allowed me to take his arm and lead him towards my place. He was swaying the whole way and hitting up against building walls. I wasn't really clear-headed myself, so we must have been a sight to see.
When we reached my building, I told him to straighten up at least while we walked past the doorman. He did a reasonably good job of it. Once we were in the elevator, he threw me up against the wall and started kissing me with complete (but sloppy) abandon. And once inside the apartment, it was more of the same, him tearing at my clothes. We started to fool around in the living room, but he couldn't stand very well, and I thought it best to head into the bedroom. He fell on the way there, and I screamed for fear that he had hit his head. He seemed to be okay though. But then in the bedroom, he fell again-- out of the bed and nearly hit his head on my makeup table. I was really worried about him.
He was so out of it, that it was clear that sex wasn't about to happen, and it wasn't long before he passed out. The strange thing came in the morning. When I woke up, his head was at the foot of the bed. How did he make that turn in the night without me noticing? Even stranger, his t-shirt was on the floor near the foot of the bed and it was soaking wet! Nothing else was wet-- not the bed, nor the floor near the shirt. Just the shirt. I picked up the shirt and smelled it. It wasn't urine. So what had happened? A mega-mystery.
Anyway, he gave me a hard time getting him up on Saturday morning. I woke up at around 10:00. B sent me a message early in the morning: Good morning! Rise and shine! Stretch! :) He was still concerned about me from the night before. It was so sweet! I talked to Hammer on the phone while I got dressed and ran across the street to the deli for gatorade, red bull and smart water. I bought one of each for Narc. But he really wouldn't get up!
"Just leave me here to sleep," he murmered. "I'll leave on my own. I won't snoop..."
"I'm not leaving you here," I protested. "So WAKE up! Don't make me miss this train because of you. It's incredibly immature."
I was annoyed. I can't imagine doing to anyone what he was doing to me.
After nearly an hour of concerted effort on my part, he got up. He looked like a bleary-eyed rumpled zombie. I laughed and kissed him to try to make the situation better. He was coughing and sputtering while we waited for the elevator.
"I know... I'm still sick too," I said. "The two of us. Ugh! We should be healthy, vital, energetic young adults, and look at us! Our bodies constantly breaking down."
"I feel La Boheme," he said.
"Che tosse!" I laughed. "Except her cough was from poverty and deprivation. Ours is from excess. We're awful."
I gave Narc $40 and put him in a cab. Then I dashed over to Penn Station.
Like I said in my last post-- I had a wonderful afternoon with my family, largely due to the marked improvements with my stepbrother. It was amazing to see him upright and making the effort to walk. We all sang songs and cheered him on as he twisted, struggled and dragged himself from one room to the other. He was so proud of himself when he arrived. It was amazing. He's still basically half paralyzed, but God willing, he will be able to really move his bad side one of these days.
BigSis now owns a car and is living out in Forest Hills, so on the way back, she offered to give me a ride to the E-train near her place. I agreed and she got me to the subway by 5:45, so I was back in my apartment by 6:30. Narc had texted a few times.
First: Dying...!
And then at around 6:00 pm: Yep. Showered and still dying...
At 6:45: "Over the Top" is on. Woohoo!! When are you back in?
At 7:15: Call when you're in...
This is weird, don't you think? I mean, most of you have been reading here for quite some time now. Narc has always been impossible to get a hold of and slow to respoind. Why is he so present? So clingy these days? Why now? I don't know what to make of it!!! Even thought I was home at 6:30, I didn't call until 10:00. He didn't pick up, so I left him a message.
"Hey Narc... Just saying hi. I'm back. Not sure what I'm doing with my night. I'm kind of tired... Might stay in; might go out. But give me a call when you get this."
After that I just got on the phone with Liu for a while, during which Narc sent me another text: At dinner party now, but probably leaving soon. Can come to your place if you're still up.
My stomach is full right now. B came to hear my concert and afterwards we ate at Dallas BBQ on 8th street.
I'm in a strange mood right now. I kind of want to write about my weekend, but on the other hand, I'm not much in the mood to write.
I'm not quite sure what to think of the fact that Narc has been around so much lately, that he keeps coming to my apartment, or that I'm feeling less in love with him-- even on some level disgusted with him. I don't think I'm really disgusted with him. I think I'm disgusted with myself.
When I was younger and wildly morbid I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time. On Friday when I took a shower I blasted Showboat on my stereo. That seems to have become a new mini-ritual for me on Fridays-- an early evening bath or shower with some kind of sweeping romantic (and intensely private) music. I was listening to Old Man River. I used to listen to that song and think "yeah-- that's me. I'm 'tired of living but scared of dying.'" But when I heard it this time, I realized that it's just the opposite is true. "I'm tired of dying but scared of living." I think that's why I disgust myself these days.
In any case, he called me on Friday night and I got up out of bed and paid for his cab and went to drink with him. I'm a little disappointed in myself because I had been trying to "tough it out" and stay home that night. I had been feeling anxious and lonely and texted B telling him so.
I know the feeling. And I love my "H" SO!!! he wrote back.
Later, he sent me another text: Huuuggggggggg!!!!!!!!
And then: How's my favorite "H" doing?
I told him that I was still feeling lonely and anxious and awful, and that I had the urge to go out drinking, but that I also felt loved.
Very loved! he wrote. SO! Take it easy and get some rest, okay? You'll be glad tomorrow. I promise.
B was probably right, but Narc called. And out with Narc I went! We decided on Manchester Pub (it was likely not very crowded and Narc insists on a seat at the bar-- a place to "perch," as he puts it). On the way there bumped into an actor-friend of his, right on Second Avenue! Narc introduced me.
"Where are you guys off to?" his friend asked.
"To get drunk," Narc said.
I smiled.
"I haven't seen that guy since my Oscar-party!" Narc commented as we continued on our way.
The Oscar-party that was just a "few" close friends? The Oscar-party to which I was "dis-invited"?
Everything was fine at Manchester. He asked me for cigarettes.
"I don't have any on me," I told him.
He was surprised.
"Why are you so surprised? I don't smoke that much anymore..." I put my hand on my neck. "The voice-- remember?"
He was disappointed.
"Why don't you go buy us some?" I passed him a twenty.
"Are you sure? I'll get you back all the money, Hyde," he said.
"Whatever... You don't have to pay me for the cigarettes. But, to be honest, I was annoyed that you said I owed you money."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I mean, since when do we keep track of things like that? It's ridiculous! You pay sometimes, I pay sometimes. Since when do I owe you for getting drinks last week?"
"But you--"
"Narc-- if we're gonna start seeing who owes money here, what about when we went the opera and I paid your brunch or in January at Cheers when I paid that huge tab?"
"What, are you keeping track or something?" He looked pissed off.
"No, I'm not keeping track! It's just that both those times you hurt my feelings. With the opera, I got you the ticket so I expected a 'thank you.' And that time at Cheers, do you remember what you said to me? Do you remember what you said? I bought you off a long time ago. That's what you said!"
He looked at me for a moment.
"Okay, you're right. You're right, Hyde. You're right. I'm sorry. It's just... Well, I just called my mom a week and a half ago, and I don't have anything now, so I-- I mean, I guess I was just scrounging around for what I could... But you're right. I don't like being like that with money with friends."
He smiled at me and touched my hair. He put a piece of hair behind my ear in the way that I love.
"Well, okay," I smiled back. "Go get the cigarettes. Do you know where to go?"
"I think I can manage," he said.
When he came back with the cigarettes he told me he saw a couple hail a cab. The man thought he would be joining the woman in the cab, but she jumped in, said good night, closed the door and totally shut him down.
"Was the guy upset?" I asked Narc.
"Nah. He took it like a man."
The rest of the night went on okay. At one point, I said something about when I lived with B.
"Wait-- you guys lived together!?!" he asked. "I didn't know that!"
"Yeah! For two years! 2000-2002."
At another point we had an alarmingly strange conversation in which Narc told me that he doesn't understand why people are so afraid of death.
"I also hate when everyone gets so wrapped up in the whole mystery of things," he said. "It's no mystery. I know what happens when you die. I've been there! I've seen it!"
He was very drunk and was escalating his voice to drown out the objections he anticipated from me.
"Yes, Hyde! I've seen it! I know!"
"Well, maybe people are afraid of death because they'll miss their loved ones and their loved ones will miss them. Even if you believe, as apparently you do, that death is not a permanent end, it's still an end to something."
"Whatever... how much could you miss someone?" he grinned.
"A lot," I said.
This was an increasingly bizarre conversation-- the kind of stupid conversation I should have shrugged off but in which I somehow found myself suddenly invested.
"Hasn't anyone close to you ever died?"
He rolled his eyes at me. "You know the answer to that Hyde!"
"I do?"
"The closest person to me was Sal-- the bartender at the Tavern who died this summer. Remember that? I came to see you and we came here. We were sitting here! Right here!" he said, slapping the bar.
"Well, take it from me then, you can't imagine how much you can miss someone."
I felt sad.
At around 3:00 am I had a text appear from Hammer. (I think she sent it earlier but for some reason it didn't show until then.)
"Tell Hammer she's a wanker!" he said. "Go ahead. Text her that!"
Uh oh. "Wanker-Narc." I needed to cut the drinking.
"You must be gone," I said.
"What do you mean?"
"You said 'wanker.' I think it's time to go home."
When the bill came, it drew attention to the whole "money-issue" again. I'm not sure I remember why (as I was going on six drinks and was tipsy), but Narc got upset at me. We were sitting there on barstools when he hit me in the chest. It wasn't a hard hit or anything, but it upset me. And it was enough for the bartender to come over to us.
"Woah! What's that?" she said. "I think you should cut it."
"Yeah, Narc! Don't treat me like that!" I was angry now. "You can't do things like that!"
"Okay, fine, Hyde. I'm just an awful person then."
"Let's go," I said, putting the tip down and heading towards the door.
He stood on the street outside, swaying back and forth like one of those standing punching bags that kids like to play with.
"I'm just horrible to you."
"You're not horrible, but you can't get rough with me like that when you're drunk! You've done it before and it's not cool."
"Nope, I'm bad, Hyde! Awful, bad, miserable, terrible! Just go! GO! Leave me here and go!"
He was slurring his words and was clearly not about to reason with me.
"I'm not leaving you here. Come on..."
"No! Leave! Go! I'm so awful, you shouldn't be with me. GO!!!"
"Narc! You're really drunk and have no money. We're nowhere near your place. I'm not leaving you here on the street at 3:30 in the morning! Let's go! Let's just go home. I don't want to fight."
After a few more protests, he must have realized that I was right about his predicament, because he allowed me to take his arm and lead him towards my place. He was swaying the whole way and hitting up against building walls. I wasn't really clear-headed myself, so we must have been a sight to see.
When we reached my building, I told him to straighten up at least while we walked past the doorman. He did a reasonably good job of it. Once we were in the elevator, he threw me up against the wall and started kissing me with complete (but sloppy) abandon. And once inside the apartment, it was more of the same, him tearing at my clothes. We started to fool around in the living room, but he couldn't stand very well, and I thought it best to head into the bedroom. He fell on the way there, and I screamed for fear that he had hit his head. He seemed to be okay though. But then in the bedroom, he fell again-- out of the bed and nearly hit his head on my makeup table. I was really worried about him.
He was so out of it, that it was clear that sex wasn't about to happen, and it wasn't long before he passed out. The strange thing came in the morning. When I woke up, his head was at the foot of the bed. How did he make that turn in the night without me noticing? Even stranger, his t-shirt was on the floor near the foot of the bed and it was soaking wet! Nothing else was wet-- not the bed, nor the floor near the shirt. Just the shirt. I picked up the shirt and smelled it. It wasn't urine. So what had happened? A mega-mystery.
Anyway, he gave me a hard time getting him up on Saturday morning. I woke up at around 10:00. B sent me a message early in the morning: Good morning! Rise and shine! Stretch! :) He was still concerned about me from the night before. It was so sweet! I talked to Hammer on the phone while I got dressed and ran across the street to the deli for gatorade, red bull and smart water. I bought one of each for Narc. But he really wouldn't get up!
"Just leave me here to sleep," he murmered. "I'll leave on my own. I won't snoop..."
"I'm not leaving you here," I protested. "So WAKE up! Don't make me miss this train because of you. It's incredibly immature."
I was annoyed. I can't imagine doing to anyone what he was doing to me.
After nearly an hour of concerted effort on my part, he got up. He looked like a bleary-eyed rumpled zombie. I laughed and kissed him to try to make the situation better. He was coughing and sputtering while we waited for the elevator.
"I know... I'm still sick too," I said. "The two of us. Ugh! We should be healthy, vital, energetic young adults, and look at us! Our bodies constantly breaking down."
"I feel La Boheme," he said.
"Che tosse!" I laughed. "Except her cough was from poverty and deprivation. Ours is from excess. We're awful."
I gave Narc $40 and put him in a cab. Then I dashed over to Penn Station.
Like I said in my last post-- I had a wonderful afternoon with my family, largely due to the marked improvements with my stepbrother. It was amazing to see him upright and making the effort to walk. We all sang songs and cheered him on as he twisted, struggled and dragged himself from one room to the other. He was so proud of himself when he arrived. It was amazing. He's still basically half paralyzed, but God willing, he will be able to really move his bad side one of these days.
BigSis now owns a car and is living out in Forest Hills, so on the way back, she offered to give me a ride to the E-train near her place. I agreed and she got me to the subway by 5:45, so I was back in my apartment by 6:30. Narc had texted a few times.
First: Dying...!
And then at around 6:00 pm: Yep. Showered and still dying...
At 6:45: "Over the Top" is on. Woohoo!! When are you back in?
At 7:15: Call when you're in...
This is weird, don't you think? I mean, most of you have been reading here for quite some time now. Narc has always been impossible to get a hold of and slow to respoind. Why is he so present? So clingy these days? Why now? I don't know what to make of it!!! Even thought I was home at 6:30, I didn't call until 10:00. He didn't pick up, so I left him a message.
"Hey Narc... Just saying hi. I'm back. Not sure what I'm doing with my night. I'm kind of tired... Might stay in; might go out. But give me a call when you get this."
After that I just got on the phone with Liu for a while, during which Narc sent me another text: At dinner party now, but probably leaving soon. Can come to your place if you're still up.
Again-- strange! In the past year and half, he's only EVER offered to come to my place if he's already in the neighborhood! I didn't know what to think. I went to Cheers.
Cheers was remarkably empty for a Saturday night. Plus BarMan had the night off. It was a strange vibe. Even so, there were a lot of people there that I knew-- Manwich (who told me that his friend P was asking about me and was disappointed that I never called him), Roman, OldTimer, PreppyGirl, SurgeonGirl, BulgarianGuy and DateRapeGuy's brother (yuck!). IrishBird was hosting karaoke and really needed to get singers up because it was such a slow night. I have an awful cold right now and shouldn't have sang. Even though I didn't want to do it, I agreed to it. My voice cracked on one of the notes and I was SO upset. I take pride in my singing and don't like to do it in public unless I'm reasonably assured that I sound good. Everyone else seemed to think it was good, but it really wasn't.
Anyway, PCuz (so named because he's PumpedUp's cousin) was tending bar and kept the double jack and diets coming. I was getting drunk by myself and still hadn't heard from Narc. He texted me at 12:11: Leaving soon, will head up, but never showed. At 1:00 am I wrote to him again: Where are you??? He arrived at around 1:30.
I was drunk-- drunk enough to have just sang the Moulin Rouge song with SurgeonGirl and wrecked my cords. Narc was not drunk. He said he only had one beer.
"You're not drinking?!?" I asked incredulously.
"No. Last night took care of me..."
"But I feel bad... I'm kind of drunk, and you're not!"
I genuinely felt guilty and afraid... afraid that I would say something or behave in a way that wasn't exactly measured. Upon reflection, it's interesting that I have so much anxiety about that-- it's like I like to be able to gauge everything about him and respond "correctly," but if I'm drunk and he's not, I can't do that. I need some lessons in how to trust people enough to behave naturally. Even when I don't realize I'm doing it, I'm constantly, obsessively and sensitively adapting myself to the signals I get from others.
IrishBird called me to sing I Will Always Love You which I did. I bought Narc a drink and pointed out DateRapeGuy's brother to Narc. I think Narc thought it was weird that I did that. Then we left. I bought him a sandwich at the deli because he was still hungry. Then I got us some red bull for the morning.
Back at my place we watched parts of The Aviator on TV and then went to bed and had sex. Nothing of much note happened... This morning we woke up at around 11:00. He bummed around here while I got dressed for my concert. Then we shared a cab downtown. He got out with me at Washington Square Park and walked me to the church door. It was drizzling on our heads. He didn't come to the concert. Just as well, as the only friend I was expecting was B and that would not have been a good combination.
The concert was a great success. The audience was roaring in laughter at the Shostakovich and I got to crush on the rumbling bass all over again! B winked at me at the start of the concert when I found him in the audience. I told him about my crush on the bass and when he began to sing, I locked eyes with B again and he smiled as if to laugh at me. It was cute. I love having him in my life.
After the concert, I switched into jeans and a dirty t-shirt (my favorite uniform) and I met him in the entrance-way. We ate our dinner and then started walking uptown. We crossed over to Third Avenue by way of 9th street and I showed him the building where my parents first lived together (and where BigSis was conceived!). We walked all the way to Murray Hill and Drippy's street, pausing along the way for some bubble tea (which B and I call "sago"-- its Tagalog name).
Sometimes I miss B and felt angry and resentful towards Drippy. Last year we used to hang out 3-4 days a week for hours on end and have a "sleep-over" at least once a week. Now I get him two days of the week for around 2 hours and that's it. I hate it. Tonight I felt clingy and desperate and a sense of "falling" in my chest when we had to say goodbye. I don't want to put too much on him though. I know it's tough for him to balance my needs with Drippy's, and she IS his girlfriend. They may move in together in a few months and I have really mixed feelings about that. It makes me anxious and I don't really feel like thinking about it right now.
Anyway, that brings me to this moment. In the course of writing this post, I no longer have Tchaikovsky in my head. I've been listening to Judy Garland (who has a sob in her voice that kills me). Right now she's singing "I Can't Give you Anything But Love." Tell me about it...
I can't give you anything...
I can't give you anything...
I can't give you anything but love.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Mini-Update
Last night I was intending to go to bed early. I was laying in bed watching "24" by midnight. (ST-- I don't think I'm giving too much away when I say this, but I love it when Jack gets rough with the ladies!). Then my phone rang. It was drunk Narc. He said he wanted me. I agreed to see him out of routine. Honestly, I still felt unattracted to him and annoyed, but I agreed...
He came here, but still had no money so I had to pay for everything. We went to Manchester Pub. He was as drunk as I've ever seen him-- unable to walk, talk, etc. I tried to talk to him about the money thing. (More on that later).
He was difficult to wake up this morning. His head was at the foot of the bed, mysteriously. I lent him money and sent him home.
I went to Long Island and spent the day with my mother, two sisters, stepfather and stepbrother. My stepbrother is starting to be able to walk (sort of-- with a walker, and by dragging his bad foot and leaning on another person). But he's trying. And I taught him a song on piano!!! (Again-- sort of). More on that later... He's also starting to try to use a regular toilet, although it's going to take a while for all of this.
I just got back to the city. Narc texted me twice that he's still "dying." No doubt. He was in "rare form" last night.
I was talking to Hammer this morning. She's right-- N and the Wizard are both losers. I'm starting to see it. Although, I'm not sure why now when never before. Will this stick???
I need to go polish my nails now.
-h-
He came here, but still had no money so I had to pay for everything. We went to Manchester Pub. He was as drunk as I've ever seen him-- unable to walk, talk, etc. I tried to talk to him about the money thing. (More on that later).
He was difficult to wake up this morning. His head was at the foot of the bed, mysteriously. I lent him money and sent him home.
I went to Long Island and spent the day with my mother, two sisters, stepfather and stepbrother. My stepbrother is starting to be able to walk (sort of-- with a walker, and by dragging his bad foot and leaning on another person). But he's trying. And I taught him a song on piano!!! (Again-- sort of). More on that later... He's also starting to try to use a regular toilet, although it's going to take a while for all of this.
I just got back to the city. Narc texted me twice that he's still "dying." No doubt. He was in "rare form" last night.
I was talking to Hammer this morning. She's right-- N and the Wizard are both losers. I'm starting to see it. Although, I'm not sure why now when never before. Will this stick???
I need to go polish my nails now.
-h-
Friday, March 24, 2006
Money Makes the World Go Round
Of all the things for me to get upset with N about... money? MONEY? It's so unlike me to have any money issues with anyone, but there it is-- the first thing that made me massively unattracted to him-- that made me look at him and see an annoying smug little face, and want to shove it away from me.
Here's how it happened:
On Wednesday I felt like shit. I came home from teaching and napped the afternoon away. As I'm not a "napper," I think it was desperately needed. I got my act together by mid-afternoon and started working on the center-pieces for my mom's party, painting a ton of styrofoam with black sparkley paint and getting it all under my fingernails and on my kitchen counter. (It's tempera, though, so it came off fairly easily.) Then I set out for choir practice-- the last rehearsal before this Sunday's concert.
Choir practice was phenomenal. We have a guest singer coming in to sing a piece by Shostakovich called Antiformalist Rayok-- the singer? A phenomenal deep Russian bass who has performed at world renowned opera houses. To be that close to a singer with a voice of that size--one that rumbled inside my bones like that-- I swear, I was on the verge of having an orgasm right on the spot. It was fucking amazing.
During my rehearsal, I got a text from Narc. (He had already texted me several times Tuesday evening and Wednesday afternoon).
He wrote: In movie with screenwriters group now but out for drinks at 10:30 if you're around!!
I wrote back to him asking "where" and he told me to meet him at St. Andrew's at 44th and 6th. When I got there he was alone. He said he had been to see 2001 at the Ziegfeld, but that the rest of the group had parted ways. He was hungry and not feeling well. I was tired and not feeling well. I was sick and it was 11:00 pm. I had started my day at 6:00 am.
Nevertheless, we sat down at a table in the bar. He ordered some Scotch eggs, a beer and a glass of some fancy scotch. I got a pint of Boddingtons. (I never EVER drink beer, so I ordered it on Narc's recommendation. I wasn't planning on drinking at all, but Narc convinced me that beer "doesn't count." Well, okay...) Anyway, we hung out there for a while and all was okay, if not mediocre. I was too tired to be having much of a good time. I knew I could have drank my way through that and felt great, but I would have just been even sicker the next day. And as I was getting observed in my teaching today, I needed to keep myself in relatively decent shape.
The problem arose when the bill came. Narc complained that he had no money in his bank account-- that he was overdrawn and maxed out on his credit cards and that he only had $50 to his name.
"Didn't your mom just put money in your bank last week, or so?" I asked.
"Yeah, but that's all used up."
I had only ordered a $6 beer. I put down a $20 on the table and waited for change. Narc gave me back $8. And then he wanted more.
"No, actually, give me another dollar," he said.
"What? All I got was a beer... $13 for a beer?"
"Well, you owe me money anyway," he replied.
"What? What for?"
"Saturday night-- at Biddy Early's. I charged it..."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The two of us never count things like that. Sometimes I pay, and sometimes he pays. Plus, I've spent hundreds (if not thousands!) of dollars on late-night cabs to his place since I've met him and he's never chipped in for that. PLUS, remember the night when I paid his enormous bar tab at Cheers back in January? Remember what he said to me? (Actually, I'm not sure that I ever blogged it). But it was a particularly bad night-- January 21st. He showed up at Cheers wasted and got worse and worse, grabbed some girl's ass, was insulting me and got a little rough and I had to pay his bar tab that was over $100.
"You owe me one!" I said to him, at the time.
"I don't owe you anything," he said. "I bought you off a long time ago."
Anyway, I forgave him that...
Or how about in February when I got him a ticket to the opera. We went for brunch before hand and he had "no cash" so I paid. He said he had to "hit an ATM" but he never did He never paid me back-- even when the opera was my treat! I still paid for his brunch! I didn't care too much at the time, because we don't count pennies between us. But now he's going to go on and tell me that I owe him from Saturday night!?!? Especially when the same Saturday night I was buying him drinks at the View!
Amazing.
Anyway, back to Wednesday night. To make this all the more incredible, I didn't even think that I owed him anything. I didn't think he had paid for me that Saturday. I mean, I couldn't be sure, but I didn't black out that night, and normally I make a note of it if he spends a lot of money on me.
"Are you sure, Narc? I thought I covered it," I ventured.
"No, I'm sure," he said.
"But, didn't I go to an ATM that night?"
"Look, Hyde-- I'll check my credit card statement later and we'll figure it out."
What?!?!? UGHHH!!!!
It's interesting how much this pissed me off and disgusted me. Normally things he does that aren't "right" I somehow categorize as part of his woundedness. But this was so cold and so material that I couldn't classify it as anything other than appalling. It hurt even more because I know that he always throws money around on his friends-- especially women. I never ask him for anything and we generally both pick up the tab at different times. I've never used him for money even though he has much, much more than I do and I'm always stressed about it. I can't really afford his lifestyle. It's not like we're on an even keel. And here he is telling me to put in an extra dollar when I already gave him $12 for a $6 beer!
I couldn't even look at him.
But, then again, nor did I say anything about what was bothering me, and I think that's half of the problem right there.
I didn't want to be with him after that and I grew rather sullen. But when we got up to leave, he started walking Eastward, in the direction of my apartment and not in the direction of the subway or a downtown cab. I didn't say anything about him coming back to my place, nor did he.
When we were far enough East that it was clear he intended to come home with me, I started to get nervous. I hadn't cleaned my place up, I hadn't cleared my computer, etc.
"Um, Narc... my place is a war zone," I began. "It's not really in any sort of shape for company."
"Don't worry. I'll manage," he said.
Back at my house, I rushed to the computer first, and then to put the print-out of my blog away. I hate not being able to trust him, but I just can't after what happened in December. Then I made some popcorn and we watched TV. I put my head on his shoulder. I don't know why. It still felt good even though I was feeling anger and bitterness.
At around 2:00 am, he announced it was time for bed. But there was still tension in the air, at least on my part. Both of us left our underwear on and just went to sleep-- not even cuddling or anything. It was so bizarre, especially as my bed isn't as large as his-- it's only a double, and so we were practically on top of each other. I didn't care though. I didn't want to have sex. I didn't feel good about any of it.
The next morning, I was woken up by his coughing but managed to get a few more hours of sleep after that. We both got up at around noon and watched some more TV in my living room. I felt stiff and irritated with him still. No sex, no cuddling, no touching.
At one point he went online to check his email.
"Oh, let me check my statement!" he said.
Again, I couldn't believe it.
But then, I was vindicated. The charge was nowhere to be found.
"I told you, Narc! I remember going to the ATM in that vestibule. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah," he half-laughed. "So, maybe I owe you..."
"Whatever..."
Narc wanted to go to Houston's for lunch.
"Is it expensive?" I asked. (He's prone to eat at much pricier places than I).
"No... sandwiches are $10 or so..."
"Okay, fine."
We walked there together. I have to say, my burger was simply amazing! (It cost $12). I also got a drink and then a cup of coffee after the meal. Narc ordered a sandwich for $17. He also ordered a soda and a coffee and he got a dessert. When the bill came, the total was around $52 or so with tax and tip. Narc handed me a $20.
"It's all that I have," he said. "I'm just keeping the last $20 so I don't starve."
That $20 barely covered his sandwich plus tax let alone tip and the extras. If he knew he didn't have the money, why did he order so much? Normally I wouldn't care at all about picking up a few extra dollars for him, but after being told that I "owed him money" for drinks Saturday night, I was in no mood to be generous.
But, true to form, generous I was.
"If that's the end of your money, why don't you just keep it, Narc, and owe me?"
"I don't know... I don't like owing anyone money," he said.
"Well, fine. It's up to you. But I'm sure I'll see you soon, and it's not a big deal to me to get it from you later once you have cash in the bank again."
After lunch we parted ways. I was still seething, but didn't show a sign of it on the surface. (This why my therapist calls me a "phony"-- for constantly compromising myself). I was not happy with the whole Narc-experience this time round. It seems like all we ever talk about these days is how we both feel stuck in a rut and how we both drink too much and how we're just waiting for change to happen (which I know is total bullshit because change will not happen until I make it happen.)
I don't even feel like looking at him right now, though. I am so angry and offended.
He broke the terms of our agreement.
Anyway, I just got through teaching a long day and I'm starving, so I'll leave it at that. Hammer came over last night and we had a great time before the DateRapeGuy incident. I think I'm going to try to get some decent sleep tonight. Everyone seems to be run down or sick around here... Me, Narc, B, Sing-Man, etc...
So, I guess that's it...
Have a good weekend if I'm not back to update sooner!
love,
Hyde
Here's how it happened:
On Wednesday I felt like shit. I came home from teaching and napped the afternoon away. As I'm not a "napper," I think it was desperately needed. I got my act together by mid-afternoon and started working on the center-pieces for my mom's party, painting a ton of styrofoam with black sparkley paint and getting it all under my fingernails and on my kitchen counter. (It's tempera, though, so it came off fairly easily.) Then I set out for choir practice-- the last rehearsal before this Sunday's concert.
Choir practice was phenomenal. We have a guest singer coming in to sing a piece by Shostakovich called Antiformalist Rayok-- the singer? A phenomenal deep Russian bass who has performed at world renowned opera houses. To be that close to a singer with a voice of that size--one that rumbled inside my bones like that-- I swear, I was on the verge of having an orgasm right on the spot. It was fucking amazing.
During my rehearsal, I got a text from Narc. (He had already texted me several times Tuesday evening and Wednesday afternoon).
He wrote: In movie with screenwriters group now but out for drinks at 10:30 if you're around!!
I wrote back to him asking "where" and he told me to meet him at St. Andrew's at 44th and 6th. When I got there he was alone. He said he had been to see 2001 at the Ziegfeld, but that the rest of the group had parted ways. He was hungry and not feeling well. I was tired and not feeling well. I was sick and it was 11:00 pm. I had started my day at 6:00 am.
Nevertheless, we sat down at a table in the bar. He ordered some Scotch eggs, a beer and a glass of some fancy scotch. I got a pint of Boddingtons. (I never EVER drink beer, so I ordered it on Narc's recommendation. I wasn't planning on drinking at all, but Narc convinced me that beer "doesn't count." Well, okay...) Anyway, we hung out there for a while and all was okay, if not mediocre. I was too tired to be having much of a good time. I knew I could have drank my way through that and felt great, but I would have just been even sicker the next day. And as I was getting observed in my teaching today, I needed to keep myself in relatively decent shape.
The problem arose when the bill came. Narc complained that he had no money in his bank account-- that he was overdrawn and maxed out on his credit cards and that he only had $50 to his name.
"Didn't your mom just put money in your bank last week, or so?" I asked.
"Yeah, but that's all used up."
I had only ordered a $6 beer. I put down a $20 on the table and waited for change. Narc gave me back $8. And then he wanted more.
"No, actually, give me another dollar," he said.
"What? All I got was a beer... $13 for a beer?"
"Well, you owe me money anyway," he replied.
"What? What for?"
"Saturday night-- at Biddy Early's. I charged it..."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The two of us never count things like that. Sometimes I pay, and sometimes he pays. Plus, I've spent hundreds (if not thousands!) of dollars on late-night cabs to his place since I've met him and he's never chipped in for that. PLUS, remember the night when I paid his enormous bar tab at Cheers back in January? Remember what he said to me? (Actually, I'm not sure that I ever blogged it). But it was a particularly bad night-- January 21st. He showed up at Cheers wasted and got worse and worse, grabbed some girl's ass, was insulting me and got a little rough and I had to pay his bar tab that was over $100.
"You owe me one!" I said to him, at the time.
"I don't owe you anything," he said. "I bought you off a long time ago."
Anyway, I forgave him that...
Or how about in February when I got him a ticket to the opera. We went for brunch before hand and he had "no cash" so I paid. He said he had to "hit an ATM" but he never did He never paid me back-- even when the opera was my treat! I still paid for his brunch! I didn't care too much at the time, because we don't count pennies between us. But now he's going to go on and tell me that I owe him from Saturday night!?!? Especially when the same Saturday night I was buying him drinks at the View!
Amazing.
Anyway, back to Wednesday night. To make this all the more incredible, I didn't even think that I owed him anything. I didn't think he had paid for me that Saturday. I mean, I couldn't be sure, but I didn't black out that night, and normally I make a note of it if he spends a lot of money on me.
"Are you sure, Narc? I thought I covered it," I ventured.
"No, I'm sure," he said.
"But, didn't I go to an ATM that night?"
"Look, Hyde-- I'll check my credit card statement later and we'll figure it out."
What?!?!? UGHHH!!!!
It's interesting how much this pissed me off and disgusted me. Normally things he does that aren't "right" I somehow categorize as part of his woundedness. But this was so cold and so material that I couldn't classify it as anything other than appalling. It hurt even more because I know that he always throws money around on his friends-- especially women. I never ask him for anything and we generally both pick up the tab at different times. I've never used him for money even though he has much, much more than I do and I'm always stressed about it. I can't really afford his lifestyle. It's not like we're on an even keel. And here he is telling me to put in an extra dollar when I already gave him $12 for a $6 beer!
I couldn't even look at him.
But, then again, nor did I say anything about what was bothering me, and I think that's half of the problem right there.
I didn't want to be with him after that and I grew rather sullen. But when we got up to leave, he started walking Eastward, in the direction of my apartment and not in the direction of the subway or a downtown cab. I didn't say anything about him coming back to my place, nor did he.
When we were far enough East that it was clear he intended to come home with me, I started to get nervous. I hadn't cleaned my place up, I hadn't cleared my computer, etc.
"Um, Narc... my place is a war zone," I began. "It's not really in any sort of shape for company."
"Don't worry. I'll manage," he said.
Back at my house, I rushed to the computer first, and then to put the print-out of my blog away. I hate not being able to trust him, but I just can't after what happened in December. Then I made some popcorn and we watched TV. I put my head on his shoulder. I don't know why. It still felt good even though I was feeling anger and bitterness.
At around 2:00 am, he announced it was time for bed. But there was still tension in the air, at least on my part. Both of us left our underwear on and just went to sleep-- not even cuddling or anything. It was so bizarre, especially as my bed isn't as large as his-- it's only a double, and so we were practically on top of each other. I didn't care though. I didn't want to have sex. I didn't feel good about any of it.
The next morning, I was woken up by his coughing but managed to get a few more hours of sleep after that. We both got up at around noon and watched some more TV in my living room. I felt stiff and irritated with him still. No sex, no cuddling, no touching.
At one point he went online to check his email.
"Oh, let me check my statement!" he said.
Again, I couldn't believe it.
But then, I was vindicated. The charge was nowhere to be found.
"I told you, Narc! I remember going to the ATM in that vestibule. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah," he half-laughed. "So, maybe I owe you..."
"Whatever..."
Narc wanted to go to Houston's for lunch.
"Is it expensive?" I asked. (He's prone to eat at much pricier places than I).
"No... sandwiches are $10 or so..."
"Okay, fine."
We walked there together. I have to say, my burger was simply amazing! (It cost $12). I also got a drink and then a cup of coffee after the meal. Narc ordered a sandwich for $17. He also ordered a soda and a coffee and he got a dessert. When the bill came, the total was around $52 or so with tax and tip. Narc handed me a $20.
"It's all that I have," he said. "I'm just keeping the last $20 so I don't starve."
That $20 barely covered his sandwich plus tax let alone tip and the extras. If he knew he didn't have the money, why did he order so much? Normally I wouldn't care at all about picking up a few extra dollars for him, but after being told that I "owed him money" for drinks Saturday night, I was in no mood to be generous.
But, true to form, generous I was.
"If that's the end of your money, why don't you just keep it, Narc, and owe me?"
"I don't know... I don't like owing anyone money," he said.
"Well, fine. It's up to you. But I'm sure I'll see you soon, and it's not a big deal to me to get it from you later once you have cash in the bank again."
After lunch we parted ways. I was still seething, but didn't show a sign of it on the surface. (This why my therapist calls me a "phony"-- for constantly compromising myself). I was not happy with the whole Narc-experience this time round. It seems like all we ever talk about these days is how we both feel stuck in a rut and how we both drink too much and how we're just waiting for change to happen (which I know is total bullshit because change will not happen until I make it happen.)
I don't even feel like looking at him right now, though. I am so angry and offended.
He broke the terms of our agreement.
Anyway, I just got through teaching a long day and I'm starving, so I'll leave it at that. Hammer came over last night and we had a great time before the DateRapeGuy incident. I think I'm going to try to get some decent sleep tonight. Everyone seems to be run down or sick around here... Me, Narc, B, Sing-Man, etc...
So, I guess that's it...
Have a good weekend if I'm not back to update sooner!
love,
Hyde
My Smart Friends and a Sighting of DateRapeGuy
I will tell you the Narc-irritation when I have more energy...
I like having smart friends. Tonight I went out (for just two drinks) with Hammer and EF, both of whom are in my program at school. We had a very enlivened discussion about postcolonial theory and the relevance of historical relativism/comparisons, etc. I would explain in more detail except for the fact that I'm pass-out tired right now and have to wake up in six hours. The bottom line-- why have I distanced myself so much from my studies? Why do I hang out with people who don't intellectually stimulate me? Even the Narc? I want to have more discussions like that. I miss having scholarly ideas inside of my soul. Right now, all that's in my soul is alcohol and an asshole who doesn't deserve all of the energy he occupies in my life.
Another incident worth noting-- I just came from Cheers where I stopped by (but didn't drink) but I saw DateRapeGuy there. I felt like I was going to vomit. He had a pony-tail and I wanted to cut it off and stuff it down his throat until he choked. I haven't seen him there in nearly a year-- since I confronted him about that night. (The incident happened in December '04--before I started this blog, but I told the story here. The confrontation happened in early May. I told about that here.) ThursdayGirl wanted me to sing Manic Monday. I didn't think I would be able to with him there in the bar. I told her I couldn't. She asked me why.
"I don't want that guy to see me," I explained. "There's a bad history and I feel like I'm gonna puke."
"Hyde-- do what you want to do, but I don't think you should let him control how you feel. This is your place, and you should always feel comfortable to get up and sing! Fuck him! Right?"
"I guess."
She convinced me to do it. I put my coat and bag by the door so I could run out after singing. I wouldn't have to take care of a check since I only had a soda or two and IrishBird gives me those for free.
While I was singing (and rather poorly, might I add, due to my cold), he came to the front of the bar. He seemed to be talking to the bouncer about something, but I think it was an excuse to move to the front and "check me out," so to speak. Then he just stood there and watched me sing. I really thought I would throw up. I didn't take my eyes off the monitor with the song-lyrics for even one second to look at him. I didn't even steal a glance.
When it was over, ThursdayGirl gave me a hug, I scooped up my stuff and ran. I feel gross right now.
Anyway, I'm getting evaluated tomorrow morning, I have to wake up in six hours, PLUS I'm still sick. Narc kept me up last night with his coughing. When I could take it no more, I asked him if he wanted some water. (This at around 7:00 am).
"Yeah... if you want to get it for me," he said.
"Want some cough medicine too?"
"Yeah, I guess."
So I got out of bed on only five hours of sleep. It took me a while before I could fall back asleep. I hate being sick. It absolutely sucks. I had two drinks tonight and started to feel better, but stopped myself there and so now I have a headache.
Anyway, I'm off to sleep now. I'll tell the Narc story tomorrow.
I'm just glad I have smart friends. I want to get back into school. Narc, the Stallion, Double-T... none of them excite me with conversation. None of them wake up my brain and challenge me. That's so much of what I loved about B... what I still love about B. Maybe I need to scrap all these dumb-ass boys and find someone who makes me feel enhanced instead of divided and depleted.
Just a thought...
Good night all!
love,
Hyde
PS: Hammer said she loved my eyemakeup tonight. Then, when I saw ThursdayGirl she said the same. Yay. It was nice to be complimented. :)
I like having smart friends. Tonight I went out (for just two drinks) with Hammer and EF, both of whom are in my program at school. We had a very enlivened discussion about postcolonial theory and the relevance of historical relativism/comparisons, etc. I would explain in more detail except for the fact that I'm pass-out tired right now and have to wake up in six hours. The bottom line-- why have I distanced myself so much from my studies? Why do I hang out with people who don't intellectually stimulate me? Even the Narc? I want to have more discussions like that. I miss having scholarly ideas inside of my soul. Right now, all that's in my soul is alcohol and an asshole who doesn't deserve all of the energy he occupies in my life.
Another incident worth noting-- I just came from Cheers where I stopped by (but didn't drink) but I saw DateRapeGuy there. I felt like I was going to vomit. He had a pony-tail and I wanted to cut it off and stuff it down his throat until he choked. I haven't seen him there in nearly a year-- since I confronted him about that night. (The incident happened in December '04--before I started this blog, but I told the story here. The confrontation happened in early May. I told about that here.) ThursdayGirl wanted me to sing Manic Monday. I didn't think I would be able to with him there in the bar. I told her I couldn't. She asked me why.
"I don't want that guy to see me," I explained. "There's a bad history and I feel like I'm gonna puke."
"Hyde-- do what you want to do, but I don't think you should let him control how you feel. This is your place, and you should always feel comfortable to get up and sing! Fuck him! Right?"
"I guess."
She convinced me to do it. I put my coat and bag by the door so I could run out after singing. I wouldn't have to take care of a check since I only had a soda or two and IrishBird gives me those for free.
While I was singing (and rather poorly, might I add, due to my cold), he came to the front of the bar. He seemed to be talking to the bouncer about something, but I think it was an excuse to move to the front and "check me out," so to speak. Then he just stood there and watched me sing. I really thought I would throw up. I didn't take my eyes off the monitor with the song-lyrics for even one second to look at him. I didn't even steal a glance.
When it was over, ThursdayGirl gave me a hug, I scooped up my stuff and ran. I feel gross right now.
Anyway, I'm getting evaluated tomorrow morning, I have to wake up in six hours, PLUS I'm still sick. Narc kept me up last night with his coughing. When I could take it no more, I asked him if he wanted some water. (This at around 7:00 am).
"Yeah... if you want to get it for me," he said.
"Want some cough medicine too?"
"Yeah, I guess."
So I got out of bed on only five hours of sleep. It took me a while before I could fall back asleep. I hate being sick. It absolutely sucks. I had two drinks tonight and started to feel better, but stopped myself there and so now I have a headache.
Anyway, I'm off to sleep now. I'll tell the Narc story tomorrow.
I'm just glad I have smart friends. I want to get back into school. Narc, the Stallion, Double-T... none of them excite me with conversation. None of them wake up my brain and challenge me. That's so much of what I loved about B... what I still love about B. Maybe I need to scrap all these dumb-ass boys and find someone who makes me feel enhanced instead of divided and depleted.
Just a thought...
Good night all!
love,
Hyde
PS: Hammer said she loved my eyemakeup tonight. Then, when I saw ThursdayGirl she said the same. Yay. It was nice to be complimented. :)
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Strike 1 for Narc!
I met up with him last night after choir. We went to a Scottish pub for a "pint" where he did something that annoyed the hell out of me. After that, I didn't even want to go home with him. But we were in my neighborhood and he just started walking with me towards my place. It would have been weird for me to tell him to go away, as that's not our routine. So, he came back with me.
He's asleep in my bed right now. No sex though. I wasn't in the mood and I'm not in the mood. Both of us are feeling a little sick, but more than that, he honestly pissed me off! It's one of the first times I've felt irritation/anger at him, and I don't know why the feeling comes now. I mean, it was a slight offense... he's done much worse. But there it is. Maybe I'm getting sick of him.
I'll write more later, but don't want to be caught blogging if he comes out of my bedroom (which could happen any moment.) I need time to clear my internet of any trace of it.
Anyway... NDN takes off for Georgia this weekend to meet a friend. Have fun, NDN!
Later, all...
-h-
PS: Yes, Sarah-- sorry we didn't get to meet up! Enjoy the rest of your travels! And thanks for the almost hug from ST!
He's asleep in my bed right now. No sex though. I wasn't in the mood and I'm not in the mood. Both of us are feeling a little sick, but more than that, he honestly pissed me off! It's one of the first times I've felt irritation/anger at him, and I don't know why the feeling comes now. I mean, it was a slight offense... he's done much worse. But there it is. Maybe I'm getting sick of him.
I'll write more later, but don't want to be caught blogging if he comes out of my bedroom (which could happen any moment.) I need time to clear my internet of any trace of it.
Anyway... NDN takes off for Georgia this weekend to meet a friend. Have fun, NDN!
Later, all...
-h-
PS: Yes, Sarah-- sorry we didn't get to meet up! Enjoy the rest of your travels! And thanks for the almost hug from ST!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Two (or more) Thoughts
On "Art for Art's Sake":
"By the very fact of standing for life, art separates us from it. That is why, when art became detached from other values and became a value in itself, it produced in its devotees that sense of eternal spectatorship which in turn nurtured introversion."
-Carl Schorske
AND
No, Elvis-- How great THOU art!
love,
h
PS: I feel sick again today. Shit. I got home from teaching and took a three hour nap. (Napping always makes me think of VJ!) I would have slept longer, but I made myself get up for fear that I'd never get to sleep tonight otherwise.
PPS: Narc invited me to watch Idol last night (I didn't go) and he gave me a special ringtone on his new cell phone-- "Light my Candle" from Rent. I thought it was cute.
PPPS: I wonder how Hammer's doing right now...
"By the very fact of standing for life, art separates us from it. That is why, when art became detached from other values and became a value in itself, it produced in its devotees that sense of eternal spectatorship which in turn nurtured introversion."
-Carl Schorske
AND
No, Elvis-- How great THOU art!
love,
h
PS: I feel sick again today. Shit. I got home from teaching and took a three hour nap. (Napping always makes me think of VJ!) I would have slept longer, but I made myself get up for fear that I'd never get to sleep tonight otherwise.
PPS: Narc invited me to watch Idol last night (I didn't go) and he gave me a special ringtone on his new cell phone-- "Light my Candle" from Rent. I thought it was cute.
PPPS: I wonder how Hammer's doing right now...
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
The Phantom Virgin
You know what I hate? Those bus ads for Phantom of the Opera that say "REMEMBER YOUR FIRST TIME." Must advertising agencies always find a way to liken everything to sex (or the prospect of getting sex)??? It's annoying.
I feel like shit today. My body has taken one beating too many this week... Ugh... As Narc would say: I'm dying!.... DYING!
I'm not dying, but I am feeling pretty crappy. I'm going to clean my house today. Spring cleaning.
I got another text message from Merlin yesterday: Can i take u out 4 a drink after work
I didn't answer.
I went to see Narc yesterday after teaching. We had some sex and then lunch at the Blau Gans. It was all very decadent. Then I went with him to get a new cell phone. He got the V-Cast Razr phone. He wanted me to get one too-- in pink. He really wanted me to get that pink phone. I told him I didn't think I was eligible for an upgrade until May. He had Verizon check in their computer for me, and I was right. I don't know why he wanted me to have the V-Cast pink Razr so badly. After that he walked me to Pearl Paint on Canal where I had to get some supplies to make centerpieces for my mom's upcoming "Sweet Sixty" birthday party. It's a huge project. I think I bit off more than I can chew with that one.
I had choir last night, but it sucked because my voice is crap ever since Thursday night karaoke and trying to sing well was a brutal reminder of the abuse I inflict on myself. After that, I went to Cheers, hung out with ThursdayGirl and BarMan and inflicted more abuse on myself. I had a lot of fun with ThursdayGirl though, just laughing about things.
Narc went to the movies yesterday so I texted him asking him how it was. He wrote back:
Good, but not great. Then again, isn't that always the way of it! Loving the new phone. Two more months for yours!
I wrote back: I know! Pretty in pink. It's seduced me!
I was drunk.
I passed out on the couch last night, but I had a good therapy session this morning. Things are becoming a little clearer for me, and even if it's unpleasant, clarity is always a good thing... I have too many false selves. I think of it as "people pleasing." My therapist said it's being a "phony."
I'm glad there's a new season of the Surreal Life around. The first episode was entertaining.
That's all for now. I'm in a strange mood-- half knocked out, half sad, half hopeful. There you go-- there are three halves to my equation.
I have a stiff neck and my throat hurts.
I'm going to go do the dishes.
-h-
I feel like shit today. My body has taken one beating too many this week... Ugh... As Narc would say: I'm dying!.... DYING!
I'm not dying, but I am feeling pretty crappy. I'm going to clean my house today. Spring cleaning.
I got another text message from Merlin yesterday: Can i take u out 4 a drink after work
I didn't answer.
I went to see Narc yesterday after teaching. We had some sex and then lunch at the Blau Gans. It was all very decadent. Then I went with him to get a new cell phone. He got the V-Cast Razr phone. He wanted me to get one too-- in pink. He really wanted me to get that pink phone. I told him I didn't think I was eligible for an upgrade until May. He had Verizon check in their computer for me, and I was right. I don't know why he wanted me to have the V-Cast pink Razr so badly. After that he walked me to Pearl Paint on Canal where I had to get some supplies to make centerpieces for my mom's upcoming "Sweet Sixty" birthday party. It's a huge project. I think I bit off more than I can chew with that one.
I had choir last night, but it sucked because my voice is crap ever since Thursday night karaoke and trying to sing well was a brutal reminder of the abuse I inflict on myself. After that, I went to Cheers, hung out with ThursdayGirl and BarMan and inflicted more abuse on myself. I had a lot of fun with ThursdayGirl though, just laughing about things.
Narc went to the movies yesterday so I texted him asking him how it was. He wrote back:
Good, but not great. Then again, isn't that always the way of it! Loving the new phone. Two more months for yours!
I wrote back: I know! Pretty in pink. It's seduced me!
I was drunk.
I passed out on the couch last night, but I had a good therapy session this morning. Things are becoming a little clearer for me, and even if it's unpleasant, clarity is always a good thing... I have too many false selves. I think of it as "people pleasing." My therapist said it's being a "phony."
I'm glad there's a new season of the Surreal Life around. The first episode was entertaining.
That's all for now. I'm in a strange mood-- half knocked out, half sad, half hopeful. There you go-- there are three halves to my equation.
I have a stiff neck and my throat hurts.
I'm going to go do the dishes.
-h-
Monday, March 20, 2006
"I may be bad, but I feel good"
Time for a recap of the weekend!
St. Patty's day was not to be a day of drinking festivity for me this year! I was wiped out after Thursday's dating marathon and Friday's teaching marathon and my really long blog-entry-writing marathon that took place on Friday evening. So on Friday I went to bed early, hoping for a much needed recovery. Before I did, I called Narc and left him a message to say hi and to see what he was up to. He didn't answer, nor did I hear from him later that night or the next morning. For once I didn't have to set the alarm and woke up blissfully rested on Saturday afternoon. I spent the next few hours taking a brief walk to get some lunch and lazing around the house until it was time to meet NDN for the opera at 4:15.
NDN's alumni association organized an event that I just couldn't pass up-- a backstage tour of City Opera, Second ring tickets to Boheme and dinner inside the opera house all for the low price of $55! It was very nice of him to ask me to go.
NDN arrived chez moi high on marijuana. I gave him a shot of whiskey and a cherry coke chaser, we talked for a few minutes and we were off! NDN had a funny story about the guy working for the alumni association and organizing the event. He had met him in a different university office when he was an undergrad, and this guy had once asked NDN if he wanted "company." So we spent the cab ride brainstorming on how to make the alumni organizer feel "awkward" in return.
We got there a little early, and as I had brought my camera, we took some "sexy" pictures by the fountain. I danced a little shuffle (when NDN demanded "entertain me, Hyde!") and I encouraged him to unbutton his shirt (so I could revel in his chest hair, of course!)
The next order of business-- to scan the crowd for potential girls for NDN. I noticed one that seemed to conform to his taste. She was there with her mom, so NDN approached her. We chatted with them for a few minutes, but there were no sparks flying. Then the tour of the opera house started. The coolest part for me was the costume shop. We also got to go into the theater while the crew was working the lighting and putting together the sets.
On to dinner at the City Opera Restaurant, which is really a beautiful and elegant space! We were seated at a long table with other alumni, but we were near older/boring people, so NDN and I mostly kept to ourselves. We were each given one dinner roll by our plates. NDN ate his and asked for another (as did I). Then NDN asked for another and another! He was one hungry boy. He also ate my chicken leg. After dinner, everyone was given a slice of cake. The couple across from us only asked for one piece.
"I'll take their extra piece!" NDN eagerly exclaimed.
I was quite embarrassed by this move.
"Do they feed you at home?" The man across the table from us remarked.
It was a rich chocolate mousse cake. NDN couldn't finish the second piece.
Meanwhile, during dinner, I asked NDN if he were still in touch with his ex-girlfriend # 1 from several years ago. He told me that the last time he heard from her was an email saying "Do not contact me again!" that was viewed and then erased by his ex-girlfriend #2.
"Wait-- so she erased it before you saw it? How do you know she's not lying about it and that the email didn't really say something nice?"
Once I put that thought into his head, he couldn't stop obsessing about it. Oops! Poor NDN! While NDN was obsessing about that, I was trying not to think too much about the fact that Narc never called me back.
As for the opera itself, it was a sweet and well sung production. I thought the singers who played Mimi and Marcello were particularly strong-- the Mimi exceptionally so. She's a young singer, but I'm sure her star is rising. In Act I, I started crying during O Soave Fanciulla. (I am so sentimental, it's not even funny!)
Leaving the opera, NDN tried to position us for our best chance at getting a cab, when my phone rang. It was Narc. He said that he had been at a Stereolab concert at Town Hall with his friend, SexAsLoveChick.
"Oh really? Well, NDN and I are just getting out of the opera!"
We talked for a few minutes. He said that he was wandering around midtown and bored. I told him he should join us at NV's birthday party. NDN and I were on our way to Chelsea at that very moment-- to a bar called the View.
"I don't know if I'm up for much partying," he said. "I'm feeling a chill night."
"Well you could always stop by for a drink and then just go," I said.
"I don't know..."
"C'mon, Narc! Just come!"
"Well... okay."
I gave him the address of the place and NDN and I headed there on our own. NDN was still hungry and wanted to go to an ice cream store. Once out of the cab, he thought he caught the whiff of some good pizza without a pizza place in sight. As such, we continued on to the party without further gluttony.
There weren't many people there when we arrived, but we made our way to the back room, greeted the birthday boy, got drinks and started to settle in.
At one point, I was bent down, putting my coat and bag in the corner when I came up to see a guy standing in front of me.
"Do you think you're sexy?" he asked.
"Of course!" I replied with a laugh.
"That is absolutely the right answer!" he said. "I knew it! I knew you'd say that. You said it right! I think you're sexy too."
"Well, thanks."
To be honest with you guys, I thought this guy was gay. His mannerisms seemed gay and we were at the party of a gay friend in a gay bar in a gay neighborhood! But he continued to hit on me in an overtly aggressive manner. He started to stroke my arms and moved in so that his face was just an inch from mine.
"You are so sexy!" he said. "And I love it that you know it."
I don't remember my reply, but I'm sure I didn't quite know what to say.
"Forgive me if I seem a little strange," he said. "My name's Merlin. And I'm just a little high right now."
So THAT explains it! I felt relieved. Better to be talking to someone high than someone crazy, right?
"That's okay!" I laughed. "What are you high on?"
"Coke."
"Well, that's the best answer!" I smiled at him again.
"Want some?"
"Um, sure, I guess."
He took me by the hand and led me over to a sofa, still in the back room of the bar, so we hadn't left the rest of the party.
"Give me your hand," he said.
I complied. He ran his fingers over the back-side of my hand. Suddenly a little bag materialized and he was drawing a bump right there on my hand.
"Right here???" I asked, incredulously.
"Yeah, just do it."
I lifted my hand to my nose and snorted it up. But I felt wary. It's my policy not to do shit like that out in the open. I got in trouble for drugs once, and I don't want it to happen again. I had thought he was going to pass me the bag to go do it in the bathroom or something.
"Here. Have another."
I put out my hand. He did a bump too. Then he put his hands on my leg and tried to kiss me. He got me lightly on the lips before I managed to move my head away.
"I should tell you," I said. "I'm here with someone."
"What?"
"Yes. I'm here with someone, so... sorry?"
I needed to get this guy to back off. I was going to say that NDN was my boyfriend.
"Do you think I'm straight or gay or swing both ways?" he asked, a smirk on his face. "Because just because I'm in a gay bar doesn't necessarily mean that I'm gay!"
"It's none of my business either way," I said. "What you are is what you are, and it doesn't make a difference to me!"
"That's absolutely the right answer. I love you!" he half-squealed. "So... Who is he? A boyfriend? A lover? Who?"
It's then that I remembered that Narc was on his way. I didn't want to have to be pretending NDN was my boyfriend the whole night with Narc there, so I decided to say I was with Narc. But I couldn't tell this guy that Narc was my boyfriend, because what if he said as much to Narc? That would be humiliating and make me seem rather pathetic for lying.
"Um... my lover, I guess you could say."
He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well, I want it to be more. I really care for him. He just doesn't want a relationship."
As if on cue, Narc entered.
"Oh... here he is now."
I was grateful to be relieved of entertaining this strange guy.
"Narc, this is Merlin. Merlin, this is Narc."
Merlin wanted to direct the show. He showed Narc where to sit down. We were three in a little circle. I felt awkward that I didn't even get to greet Narc privately or explain who this weird guy was. Surely, Narc thought this was friend of mine.
"Would you like a bump?" he asked Narc.
Narc was a little surprised. God, I wish I had time to explain!
"Oh, um... no thanks. I'm just going to be chill tonight."
He seemed awkward, uncomfortable and depressed.
"Are you sure? No, really! Give me your hand. Here take some!"
He tapped a little powder onto the back of Narc's hand. I gave him mine for some more as well. And we both snorted it up.
Then, Merlin touched Narc's stomach with a little caress. Narc shifted uncomfortably but didn't say anything. Ugh! I would kill him if he touched my stomach like that. Yuck.
"You do know what a lucky man you are, right? What a sexy girl this is, right?"
"Oh, um... yeah, I guess." Narc laughed awkwardly and averted his eyes.
Merlin asked Narc about a scar he has on his forehead.
"You knew I was going to ask about that right! Was it from a surgery?"
"Car accident when I was 18," Narc answered. "I broke my neck."
I wanted Merlin to leave Narc alone! Ugh! Narc doesn't like people to intrude on him like that. So I tried to change the subject.
"So, Merlin-- you said you were an actor, right? What kind of stuff have you done?"
I figured Narc would be into that topic.
"Mostly commercials," he said. "Tons and tons of commercials."
"Like what?"
"Honey-- I told you! I've done tons!"
"Oh, okay."
"I like this guy!" he exclaimed, turning from Narc to me. "From what you said, I didn't think I would!"
Oh god! I was going to die of embarrassment.
I put my hand on Narc's knee, as if to say-- Please forgive me for this strange guy and whatever he's saying. But that seemed to make it worse. Because Merlin noticed the move.
"Do you know how much she cares about you?" he asked Narc. "Do you know how this girl feels for you?"
"Um, yeah...Sure... I guess." Again, Narc awkwardly laughed, his eyes nervously darting away.
"Are you going to bring her home tonight and make love to her?"
"Oh, um...maybe," he said.
That was too much for me. I tried to make light of it.
"Merlin! You're embarrassing me!" I laughed. "Now if you guys will excuse me, I've got to go find the bathroom."
I was hesitant to leave Narc there with this guy, but I had to find NDN and update him. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into a stairwell leading down into the men's room. I breathlessly filled him in on as much as possible.
"Oh, I've got to meet this guy!" he said.
I went to the restroom, picked up another round of drinks for me and Narc and went back to the little group. This time, NDN was there, and so I introduced him. Merlin asked NDN if he wanted a bump.
"No, he doesn't want any!" I said, putting my arm around him.
"He can answer for himself!" Merlin said.
"Yeah! I can take care of myself," NDN agreed.
"I'm just mothering you, that's all," I laughed. "You're like my little brother."
In the meanwhile, Narc was looking a little cranky and said that he was thinking of heading out.
"Come here. I want to talk to you," I said.
I took Narc by the hand and led him to a side table.
"I'm sorry about that guy," I said. "I just really wanted you to know that he came up to me randomly. He's not my friend and I can't account for the things he was saying."
"Yeah, that's okay. I figured. Everyone loves the guy with the coke." Narc was monotone and tired. And too sober.
"The coke was speedy, right?" I asked. "At least I thought so."
"Yeah, it was, but I'm still tired. And I didn't want another bump. I think I'm going to just take off, Hyde."
"You're leaving!?! What? No!"
"Yeah... this isn't really my scene tonight. I may hit the Patriot for one or two, but..."
"You're going out? I'd go with you, but I can't leave here this early. I mean, it's my friend's birthday. Are you going to be out late? Maybe I can meet you there when I leave here?"
"Um, I'm not sure," he said half-heartedly. "I mean, if I go home, I may just stay home, you know?"
"Can't you wait just a little longer and then I'll go with you?"
"I don't know, Hyde..."
"I'll buy you your next drink. C'mon... Just a little while?"
"Well, okay."
At that point, Merlin had disappeared. So I bought Narc a drink. While we were sipping, I got a text from Hammer. She was at her future sister-in-law's bachelorette party in D.C. She wanted to hook up with Timesy (who lives in D.C.) even though she had discarded his number.
I'll give you ten bucks if you can find timesy's phone number, she wrote.
I called her and we spoke for a few minutes. I had no way of finding Timesy. Poor Hammer was out of luck! Then I was back to the party. NDN, Narc and I talked to a few of NV's friends for a while who wanted to see my tattoos. I told NDN to unbutton his shirt again, but the boys told him that he looked too "Jersey" like that and that he should button back up. A pair of NV's friends joined the party then-- a girl and a guy and NV pulled me aside to tell me that both of them liked NDN and they wanted to know which way he swung. At this point, it was probably around 12:30 or so.
NDN noticed that they advertised "Drag Queen Puppet Bingo" on Friday nights. If you remember, I met that guy, Jazz, on Thursday night at Cheers who told me about a Transvestite Bingo game. I figured it had to be the same place. Strange coincidence, right?
After a while, Narc was pressing me to leave. I was getting a little drunk. I wanted to find Merlin and get another hit before taking off. I spotted him across the room, talking to some other girl. I went to sit down over there.
"I'm going. I just wanted to know if I could get one more," I said.
He seemed distracted.
"Yeah, yeah... Five bucks, though."
"What??? Five bucks for a bump! I don't think so. No thanks."
"I'll give you the bag for $20. I've got 9 bags on me to party with tonight!"
"I'm not paying $20 when the bag's been used."
"Fine. Just give me $10 then."
"Perfect." (That was a sweet deal for me.)
I asked him for his number in case I wanted to "party" later, and with the bag in my bra, Narc and I were off.
On the cab ride down, I called Jazz. He picked up, and I was suddenly aware of how drunk I sounded.
"Jazz! It's Hyde-- from Cheers the other night! I just wanted to tell you-- I found the Transvestite Bingo. It's at the View, right?"
"Right!"
Then the call turned to static, so I said goodbye and that was it.
Narc and I headed into the Patriot, but it was really too crowded. We were not up for that kind of crowd. We just wanted to sit and drink and talk. (A sign of age, perhaps? I can't tolerate clubbing anymore either). He had an idea for another neighborhood bar. On the way there, we stopped to look at movie posters in a window. The second-attempt bar was closed.
"We could try Biddy Early's... It's just another neighborhood pub," he explained.
I agreed.
When we got there, we decided to stay. It was much more mellow. There was only one bar stool available and Narc let me sit. He went outside to smoke a cigarette. I tapped the patrons blocking my bar-spot on the shoulder.
"Don't mean to bother you guys, but is it okay if I squeeze in here to get a drink?"
"Of course!" they replied.
That sparked a conversation. The woman was in town visiting the man. They had gone to college together in the '80s-- Texas A&M. She still lives in Texas. I talked to them for a while, and when Narc came back, he joined in. I periodically went to the bathroom and did the coke until it was all gone, and I was one drunk and coked-up-Hyde.
Then Narc ran out of cigarettes. I was feeling loving, and so I offered to walk to the deli to buy them. I was a little nervous, though, given my condition.
"If I'm not back in 20 minutes, call 911," I said.
Part of me was surprised Narc let me go. but he was really drunk too. I made it back okay. After a while, that couple left and we started talking to another man, seated to my left. He and Narc got in a big argument about James Joyce. I told Narc that I once started to write a "song cycle" based on Dubliners. He scoffed at me, as he doesn't consider Dubliners hard core Joyce. I haven't read that much Joyce, so I largely stayed out of the conversation which was getting pretty heated-- mostly because this guy hadn't read much Joyce either and Narc was in drunk-arguing mode. Then Narc wanted some of the coke. It was 4:00 am and we were both pretty wasted. I told him that there was none left.
The guy next to us wanted some too, so I told him that I would give him Merlin's number.
"I'm from out of town," he said. "I just can't call up some guy! You have to call for me!"
"Well, okay..."
So I called Merlin and left a message. Half an hour later, after last call, I sent him a text that said "Hi." Then I tried again. This time a woman picked up.
"Um... hi. Is Merlin there?"
"He's in the bathroom right now. Can I help you?"
"Um, yeah-- just tell him that Hyde called, okay?"
"Yeah sure."
This was turning into a strange night.
On the way home, I started telling Narc about a new vibrator that I ordered. He told me about the Sex in the City episode when Charlotte gets addicted to her vibrator.
"We have to watch it tonight, Hyde!"
"Okay!"
So back at his place, he got out the DVD's and put it on. He wanted to drink some more. (Neither Narc nor I ever knows when to call it quits! It's always more, MORE MORE!!!) I popped open a bottle of champagne, even though while doing so I was sure I was on the verge of passing out. Somehow the two of us finished the bottle, even though I didn't make it to the end of the Sex in the City episode.
But before I passed out, Narc again brought up TT. (Don't you just love what alcohol will do!) He asked about my Thursday dates.
"It was with lasagna-boy, right?"
"Well, the second one was. The first was with my friend S."
"You mean the Stallion? That's his blog name, right? 'STALLION'? I still can't believe he's called 'STALLION' when I'm called 'NARC!'"
"Oh, come on, Narc... Whatever..." I rolled my eyes and tried to give no response, but to just drop it. Our drunk fights have been known to turn ugly and we were in no state to be getting into a fight.
The next thing I knew, it was 9:00 am and I was on Narc's couch. I assumed I had passed out. So I got up and stumbled into his bedroom and collapsed into bed with him.
The next thing I knew after that, I was alone in his bed. It was around 2:00 pm and I could hear him out in the living room on the phone. I tried to listen, but I couldn't figure out who he was talking to. After about 20 minutes, I got up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Then I climbed back into bed. Narc got off the phone and soon followed. He said he had been on the phone with his ex-girlfriend, ModelChick, and that she was depressed. He invited her over to watch the Sopranos later.
We had a good time fucking all afternoon (until 4:00 or 5:00 or so). Strangely, I had two missed calls from none other than Merlin! He sounded high in the message he left.
"Yeah! Call me!" he said. "I've got plenty of stuff to paaaarrrrrrty!!!"
Then Narc announced "FOOD!" (as he is prone to do). We ordered in cheap Mexican and I went across the street to get us gateorade and red bull. I didn't even bother to freshen up. My hair was a mess, my eyes were circled with mascara rings and bleary and my was nose sore and stuffy. I looked such a wreck that I'm sure his doormen must be laughing at us.
Back at his place we watched Army of Darkness. (Narc is intent on my movie education in terms of movies he likes). It wasn't quite my thing. Then we watched Dangerous Liasons, which happened to be on TV. I love that movie and think it's very sexy. Then we had some more sex, during which the phone rang. When Narc checked the message, it was ModelChick saying she was on her way over. So, I just gathered my stuff together and got out of there ASAP.
Last night, the poker game I thought I was headed to ended up cancelled. NDN got me an "S&M Safe Play" book at the gay bar, which I read last night and enjoyed, mostly for the funny illustrations and instructions like "If you call an ambulence, the police will likely arrive as well. So clean up anything you don't want the police to find." I'll have to find a way to show you guys the pics. Then I cooked some fedelini and IM'd with TT for a while until I was able to resolve that he was not reading my blog. Today I got up early to teach. I had a text message from Narc sent at 1:45 am:
"Sopranos" was amazing! If you like, come wake me up after you're done tomorrow and we'll lunch!
In the meantime, as I sit here and type this, I got another text. This one from Merlin! I guess it was in response to my "Hi" text from Saturday night.
He wrote: Who dis? But hello
(I hate that kind of bad texting grammar... pet peeve.)
H: Sorry. I wrote that while drunk. I met you at the View on Sat...
M: Who you! Help me
H: Hyde. Didn't mean to be so mysterious
M: Hi! Me partying as we speak... Hmm, jules?
I didn't write back to that one, and I didn't know what he meant by "jules."
M: Hello?
H: Yeah, sorry. At work... Glad you're having fun...
Anyway... that brings us to now. I've got to edit this thing quick and then go down and see N.
Talk to you all soon!
love,
hyde
St. Patty's day was not to be a day of drinking festivity for me this year! I was wiped out after Thursday's dating marathon and Friday's teaching marathon and my really long blog-entry-writing marathon that took place on Friday evening. So on Friday I went to bed early, hoping for a much needed recovery. Before I did, I called Narc and left him a message to say hi and to see what he was up to. He didn't answer, nor did I hear from him later that night or the next morning. For once I didn't have to set the alarm and woke up blissfully rested on Saturday afternoon. I spent the next few hours taking a brief walk to get some lunch and lazing around the house until it was time to meet NDN for the opera at 4:15.
NDN's alumni association organized an event that I just couldn't pass up-- a backstage tour of City Opera, Second ring tickets to Boheme and dinner inside the opera house all for the low price of $55! It was very nice of him to ask me to go.
NDN arrived chez moi high on marijuana. I gave him a shot of whiskey and a cherry coke chaser, we talked for a few minutes and we were off! NDN had a funny story about the guy working for the alumni association and organizing the event. He had met him in a different university office when he was an undergrad, and this guy had once asked NDN if he wanted "company." So we spent the cab ride brainstorming on how to make the alumni organizer feel "awkward" in return.
We got there a little early, and as I had brought my camera, we took some "sexy" pictures by the fountain. I danced a little shuffle (when NDN demanded "entertain me, Hyde!") and I encouraged him to unbutton his shirt (so I could revel in his chest hair, of course!)
The next order of business-- to scan the crowd for potential girls for NDN. I noticed one that seemed to conform to his taste. She was there with her mom, so NDN approached her. We chatted with them for a few minutes, but there were no sparks flying. Then the tour of the opera house started. The coolest part for me was the costume shop. We also got to go into the theater while the crew was working the lighting and putting together the sets.
On to dinner at the City Opera Restaurant, which is really a beautiful and elegant space! We were seated at a long table with other alumni, but we were near older/boring people, so NDN and I mostly kept to ourselves. We were each given one dinner roll by our plates. NDN ate his and asked for another (as did I). Then NDN asked for another and another! He was one hungry boy. He also ate my chicken leg. After dinner, everyone was given a slice of cake. The couple across from us only asked for one piece.
"I'll take their extra piece!" NDN eagerly exclaimed.
I was quite embarrassed by this move.
"Do they feed you at home?" The man across the table from us remarked.
It was a rich chocolate mousse cake. NDN couldn't finish the second piece.
Meanwhile, during dinner, I asked NDN if he were still in touch with his ex-girlfriend # 1 from several years ago. He told me that the last time he heard from her was an email saying "Do not contact me again!" that was viewed and then erased by his ex-girlfriend #2.
"Wait-- so she erased it before you saw it? How do you know she's not lying about it and that the email didn't really say something nice?"
Once I put that thought into his head, he couldn't stop obsessing about it. Oops! Poor NDN! While NDN was obsessing about that, I was trying not to think too much about the fact that Narc never called me back.
As for the opera itself, it was a sweet and well sung production. I thought the singers who played Mimi and Marcello were particularly strong-- the Mimi exceptionally so. She's a young singer, but I'm sure her star is rising. In Act I, I started crying during O Soave Fanciulla. (I am so sentimental, it's not even funny!)
Leaving the opera, NDN tried to position us for our best chance at getting a cab, when my phone rang. It was Narc. He said that he had been at a Stereolab concert at Town Hall with his friend, SexAsLoveChick.
"Oh really? Well, NDN and I are just getting out of the opera!"
We talked for a few minutes. He said that he was wandering around midtown and bored. I told him he should join us at NV's birthday party. NDN and I were on our way to Chelsea at that very moment-- to a bar called the View.
"I don't know if I'm up for much partying," he said. "I'm feeling a chill night."
"Well you could always stop by for a drink and then just go," I said.
"I don't know..."
"C'mon, Narc! Just come!"
"Well... okay."
I gave him the address of the place and NDN and I headed there on our own. NDN was still hungry and wanted to go to an ice cream store. Once out of the cab, he thought he caught the whiff of some good pizza without a pizza place in sight. As such, we continued on to the party without further gluttony.
There weren't many people there when we arrived, but we made our way to the back room, greeted the birthday boy, got drinks and started to settle in.
At one point, I was bent down, putting my coat and bag in the corner when I came up to see a guy standing in front of me.
"Do you think you're sexy?" he asked.
"Of course!" I replied with a laugh.
"That is absolutely the right answer!" he said. "I knew it! I knew you'd say that. You said it right! I think you're sexy too."
"Well, thanks."
To be honest with you guys, I thought this guy was gay. His mannerisms seemed gay and we were at the party of a gay friend in a gay bar in a gay neighborhood! But he continued to hit on me in an overtly aggressive manner. He started to stroke my arms and moved in so that his face was just an inch from mine.
"You are so sexy!" he said. "And I love it that you know it."
I don't remember my reply, but I'm sure I didn't quite know what to say.
"Forgive me if I seem a little strange," he said. "My name's Merlin. And I'm just a little high right now."
So THAT explains it! I felt relieved. Better to be talking to someone high than someone crazy, right?
"That's okay!" I laughed. "What are you high on?"
"Coke."
"Well, that's the best answer!" I smiled at him again.
"Want some?"
"Um, sure, I guess."
He took me by the hand and led me over to a sofa, still in the back room of the bar, so we hadn't left the rest of the party.
"Give me your hand," he said.
I complied. He ran his fingers over the back-side of my hand. Suddenly a little bag materialized and he was drawing a bump right there on my hand.
"Right here???" I asked, incredulously.
"Yeah, just do it."
I lifted my hand to my nose and snorted it up. But I felt wary. It's my policy not to do shit like that out in the open. I got in trouble for drugs once, and I don't want it to happen again. I had thought he was going to pass me the bag to go do it in the bathroom or something.
"Here. Have another."
I put out my hand. He did a bump too. Then he put his hands on my leg and tried to kiss me. He got me lightly on the lips before I managed to move my head away.
"I should tell you," I said. "I'm here with someone."
"What?"
"Yes. I'm here with someone, so... sorry?"
I needed to get this guy to back off. I was going to say that NDN was my boyfriend.
"Do you think I'm straight or gay or swing both ways?" he asked, a smirk on his face. "Because just because I'm in a gay bar doesn't necessarily mean that I'm gay!"
"It's none of my business either way," I said. "What you are is what you are, and it doesn't make a difference to me!"
"That's absolutely the right answer. I love you!" he half-squealed. "So... Who is he? A boyfriend? A lover? Who?"
It's then that I remembered that Narc was on his way. I didn't want to have to be pretending NDN was my boyfriend the whole night with Narc there, so I decided to say I was with Narc. But I couldn't tell this guy that Narc was my boyfriend, because what if he said as much to Narc? That would be humiliating and make me seem rather pathetic for lying.
"Um... my lover, I guess you could say."
He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well, I want it to be more. I really care for him. He just doesn't want a relationship."
As if on cue, Narc entered.
"Oh... here he is now."
I was grateful to be relieved of entertaining this strange guy.
"Narc, this is Merlin. Merlin, this is Narc."
Merlin wanted to direct the show. He showed Narc where to sit down. We were three in a little circle. I felt awkward that I didn't even get to greet Narc privately or explain who this weird guy was. Surely, Narc thought this was friend of mine.
"Would you like a bump?" he asked Narc.
Narc was a little surprised. God, I wish I had time to explain!
"Oh, um... no thanks. I'm just going to be chill tonight."
He seemed awkward, uncomfortable and depressed.
"Are you sure? No, really! Give me your hand. Here take some!"
He tapped a little powder onto the back of Narc's hand. I gave him mine for some more as well. And we both snorted it up.
Then, Merlin touched Narc's stomach with a little caress. Narc shifted uncomfortably but didn't say anything. Ugh! I would kill him if he touched my stomach like that. Yuck.
"You do know what a lucky man you are, right? What a sexy girl this is, right?"
"Oh, um... yeah, I guess." Narc laughed awkwardly and averted his eyes.
Merlin asked Narc about a scar he has on his forehead.
"You knew I was going to ask about that right! Was it from a surgery?"
"Car accident when I was 18," Narc answered. "I broke my neck."
I wanted Merlin to leave Narc alone! Ugh! Narc doesn't like people to intrude on him like that. So I tried to change the subject.
"So, Merlin-- you said you were an actor, right? What kind of stuff have you done?"
I figured Narc would be into that topic.
"Mostly commercials," he said. "Tons and tons of commercials."
"Like what?"
"Honey-- I told you! I've done tons!"
"Oh, okay."
"I like this guy!" he exclaimed, turning from Narc to me. "From what you said, I didn't think I would!"
Oh god! I was going to die of embarrassment.
I put my hand on Narc's knee, as if to say-- Please forgive me for this strange guy and whatever he's saying. But that seemed to make it worse. Because Merlin noticed the move.
"Do you know how much she cares about you?" he asked Narc. "Do you know how this girl feels for you?"
"Um, yeah...Sure... I guess." Again, Narc awkwardly laughed, his eyes nervously darting away.
"Are you going to bring her home tonight and make love to her?"
"Oh, um...maybe," he said.
That was too much for me. I tried to make light of it.
"Merlin! You're embarrassing me!" I laughed. "Now if you guys will excuse me, I've got to go find the bathroom."
I was hesitant to leave Narc there with this guy, but I had to find NDN and update him. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into a stairwell leading down into the men's room. I breathlessly filled him in on as much as possible.
"Oh, I've got to meet this guy!" he said.
I went to the restroom, picked up another round of drinks for me and Narc and went back to the little group. This time, NDN was there, and so I introduced him. Merlin asked NDN if he wanted a bump.
"No, he doesn't want any!" I said, putting my arm around him.
"He can answer for himself!" Merlin said.
"Yeah! I can take care of myself," NDN agreed.
"I'm just mothering you, that's all," I laughed. "You're like my little brother."
In the meanwhile, Narc was looking a little cranky and said that he was thinking of heading out.
"Come here. I want to talk to you," I said.
I took Narc by the hand and led him to a side table.
"I'm sorry about that guy," I said. "I just really wanted you to know that he came up to me randomly. He's not my friend and I can't account for the things he was saying."
"Yeah, that's okay. I figured. Everyone loves the guy with the coke." Narc was monotone and tired. And too sober.
"The coke was speedy, right?" I asked. "At least I thought so."
"Yeah, it was, but I'm still tired. And I didn't want another bump. I think I'm going to just take off, Hyde."
"You're leaving!?! What? No!"
"Yeah... this isn't really my scene tonight. I may hit the Patriot for one or two, but..."
"You're going out? I'd go with you, but I can't leave here this early. I mean, it's my friend's birthday. Are you going to be out late? Maybe I can meet you there when I leave here?"
"Um, I'm not sure," he said half-heartedly. "I mean, if I go home, I may just stay home, you know?"
"Can't you wait just a little longer and then I'll go with you?"
"I don't know, Hyde..."
"I'll buy you your next drink. C'mon... Just a little while?"
"Well, okay."
At that point, Merlin had disappeared. So I bought Narc a drink. While we were sipping, I got a text from Hammer. She was at her future sister-in-law's bachelorette party in D.C. She wanted to hook up with Timesy (who lives in D.C.) even though she had discarded his number.
I'll give you ten bucks if you can find timesy's phone number, she wrote.
I called her and we spoke for a few minutes. I had no way of finding Timesy. Poor Hammer was out of luck! Then I was back to the party. NDN, Narc and I talked to a few of NV's friends for a while who wanted to see my tattoos. I told NDN to unbutton his shirt again, but the boys told him that he looked too "Jersey" like that and that he should button back up. A pair of NV's friends joined the party then-- a girl and a guy and NV pulled me aside to tell me that both of them liked NDN and they wanted to know which way he swung. At this point, it was probably around 12:30 or so.
NDN noticed that they advertised "Drag Queen Puppet Bingo" on Friday nights. If you remember, I met that guy, Jazz, on Thursday night at Cheers who told me about a Transvestite Bingo game. I figured it had to be the same place. Strange coincidence, right?
After a while, Narc was pressing me to leave. I was getting a little drunk. I wanted to find Merlin and get another hit before taking off. I spotted him across the room, talking to some other girl. I went to sit down over there.
"I'm going. I just wanted to know if I could get one more," I said.
He seemed distracted.
"Yeah, yeah... Five bucks, though."
"What??? Five bucks for a bump! I don't think so. No thanks."
"I'll give you the bag for $20. I've got 9 bags on me to party with tonight!"
"I'm not paying $20 when the bag's been used."
"Fine. Just give me $10 then."
"Perfect." (That was a sweet deal for me.)
I asked him for his number in case I wanted to "party" later, and with the bag in my bra, Narc and I were off.
On the cab ride down, I called Jazz. He picked up, and I was suddenly aware of how drunk I sounded.
"Jazz! It's Hyde-- from Cheers the other night! I just wanted to tell you-- I found the Transvestite Bingo. It's at the View, right?"
"Right!"
Then the call turned to static, so I said goodbye and that was it.
Narc and I headed into the Patriot, but it was really too crowded. We were not up for that kind of crowd. We just wanted to sit and drink and talk. (A sign of age, perhaps? I can't tolerate clubbing anymore either). He had an idea for another neighborhood bar. On the way there, we stopped to look at movie posters in a window. The second-attempt bar was closed.
"We could try Biddy Early's... It's just another neighborhood pub," he explained.
I agreed.
When we got there, we decided to stay. It was much more mellow. There was only one bar stool available and Narc let me sit. He went outside to smoke a cigarette. I tapped the patrons blocking my bar-spot on the shoulder.
"Don't mean to bother you guys, but is it okay if I squeeze in here to get a drink?"
"Of course!" they replied.
That sparked a conversation. The woman was in town visiting the man. They had gone to college together in the '80s-- Texas A&M. She still lives in Texas. I talked to them for a while, and when Narc came back, he joined in. I periodically went to the bathroom and did the coke until it was all gone, and I was one drunk and coked-up-Hyde.
Then Narc ran out of cigarettes. I was feeling loving, and so I offered to walk to the deli to buy them. I was a little nervous, though, given my condition.
"If I'm not back in 20 minutes, call 911," I said.
Part of me was surprised Narc let me go. but he was really drunk too. I made it back okay. After a while, that couple left and we started talking to another man, seated to my left. He and Narc got in a big argument about James Joyce. I told Narc that I once started to write a "song cycle" based on Dubliners. He scoffed at me, as he doesn't consider Dubliners hard core Joyce. I haven't read that much Joyce, so I largely stayed out of the conversation which was getting pretty heated-- mostly because this guy hadn't read much Joyce either and Narc was in drunk-arguing mode. Then Narc wanted some of the coke. It was 4:00 am and we were both pretty wasted. I told him that there was none left.
The guy next to us wanted some too, so I told him that I would give him Merlin's number.
"I'm from out of town," he said. "I just can't call up some guy! You have to call for me!"
"Well, okay..."
So I called Merlin and left a message. Half an hour later, after last call, I sent him a text that said "Hi." Then I tried again. This time a woman picked up.
"Um... hi. Is Merlin there?"
"He's in the bathroom right now. Can I help you?"
"Um, yeah-- just tell him that Hyde called, okay?"
"Yeah sure."
This was turning into a strange night.
On the way home, I started telling Narc about a new vibrator that I ordered. He told me about the Sex in the City episode when Charlotte gets addicted to her vibrator.
"We have to watch it tonight, Hyde!"
"Okay!"
So back at his place, he got out the DVD's and put it on. He wanted to drink some more. (Neither Narc nor I ever knows when to call it quits! It's always more, MORE MORE!!!) I popped open a bottle of champagne, even though while doing so I was sure I was on the verge of passing out. Somehow the two of us finished the bottle, even though I didn't make it to the end of the Sex in the City episode.
But before I passed out, Narc again brought up TT. (Don't you just love what alcohol will do!) He asked about my Thursday dates.
"It was with lasagna-boy, right?"
"Well, the second one was. The first was with my friend S."
"You mean the Stallion? That's his blog name, right? 'STALLION'? I still can't believe he's called 'STALLION' when I'm called 'NARC!'"
"Oh, come on, Narc... Whatever..." I rolled my eyes and tried to give no response, but to just drop it. Our drunk fights have been known to turn ugly and we were in no state to be getting into a fight.
The next thing I knew, it was 9:00 am and I was on Narc's couch. I assumed I had passed out. So I got up and stumbled into his bedroom and collapsed into bed with him.
The next thing I knew after that, I was alone in his bed. It was around 2:00 pm and I could hear him out in the living room on the phone. I tried to listen, but I couldn't figure out who he was talking to. After about 20 minutes, I got up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Then I climbed back into bed. Narc got off the phone and soon followed. He said he had been on the phone with his ex-girlfriend, ModelChick, and that she was depressed. He invited her over to watch the Sopranos later.
We had a good time fucking all afternoon (until 4:00 or 5:00 or so). Strangely, I had two missed calls from none other than Merlin! He sounded high in the message he left.
"Yeah! Call me!" he said. "I've got plenty of stuff to paaaarrrrrrty!!!"
Then Narc announced "FOOD!" (as he is prone to do). We ordered in cheap Mexican and I went across the street to get us gateorade and red bull. I didn't even bother to freshen up. My hair was a mess, my eyes were circled with mascara rings and bleary and my was nose sore and stuffy. I looked such a wreck that I'm sure his doormen must be laughing at us.
Back at his place we watched Army of Darkness. (Narc is intent on my movie education in terms of movies he likes). It wasn't quite my thing. Then we watched Dangerous Liasons, which happened to be on TV. I love that movie and think it's very sexy. Then we had some more sex, during which the phone rang. When Narc checked the message, it was ModelChick saying she was on her way over. So, I just gathered my stuff together and got out of there ASAP.
Last night, the poker game I thought I was headed to ended up cancelled. NDN got me an "S&M Safe Play" book at the gay bar, which I read last night and enjoyed, mostly for the funny illustrations and instructions like "If you call an ambulence, the police will likely arrive as well. So clean up anything you don't want the police to find." I'll have to find a way to show you guys the pics. Then I cooked some fedelini and IM'd with TT for a while until I was able to resolve that he was not reading my blog. Today I got up early to teach. I had a text message from Narc sent at 1:45 am:
"Sopranos" was amazing! If you like, come wake me up after you're done tomorrow and we'll lunch!
In the meantime, as I sit here and type this, I got another text. This one from Merlin! I guess it was in response to my "Hi" text from Saturday night.
He wrote: Who dis? But hello
(I hate that kind of bad texting grammar... pet peeve.)
H: Sorry. I wrote that while drunk. I met you at the View on Sat...
M: Who you! Help me
H: Hyde. Didn't mean to be so mysterious
M: Hi! Me partying as we speak... Hmm, jules?
I didn't write back to that one, and I didn't know what he meant by "jules."
M: Hello?
H: Yeah, sorry. At work... Glad you're having fun...
Anyway... that brings us to now. I've got to edit this thing quick and then go down and see N.
Talk to you all soon!
love,
hyde
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Ms. Saturday Night
Last night was a wild night. Lots of strange things happening. I have to tell all, but am feeling grimy having just stumbled back from Narc's. Need to clean up because I've been invited to a poker game (starting in half an hour) and I just may go!
Hope you're all having fun somewhere!
love,
Hyde
PS: There's someone reading this blog in NYC using RCN. I'm suddenly paranoid that it's TT and that he somehow saw a clue of the blog laying somewhere around my house. (I recently printed out a lot of it to keep a paper copy archived.) So if it's not TT, could you let me know, oh mysterious reader, and calm my obsessive mind which is trembling at the thought. Thanks!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Three in One
Yesterday was a wild day for me.
The Hydey-trinity: Narc, Stallion and Double-T!
The story? Here is goes (and it's a long one! But worth it, I think)...
The whole first half of the week, I felt strange. Strange and lonely. I hate being single when I'm sick. On Monday night I was alone for 24. (Hammer had the Purim party where she met MiniMan). Narc called at around 11:00 that night, but I was too sick to see him.
On Tuesday B came over in the afternoon. Sometimes I feel like he's doing me a "favor" by hanging out with me (since it's such an inconvenience to him and poor Drippy!) and I don't like that feeling. That night, I watched American Idol alone. Again, I was lonely. I texted Narc to see what he thought of the performances. No reply.
Okay, I thought. So Narc is back into "ignore Hyde" mode!
Wednesday was my first day out of the sick bed and back to work. I taught my early morning class and headed home to vegetate after that, still not back to feeling myself. On the way home I stopped to pick up some paychecks. (In typical Hyde fashion, I failed to pick up four paychecks last semester. I had a big student loan sitting in my bank account, so I wasn't hurting for the cash, and it's a pain in the ass to go to the bursar's office. The problem is that the checks got cancelled when I didn't pick them up, and to re-issue them, I had to wait six to eight weeks. That made for some pressure in January and February when my loan money had dwindled and the paychecks had not yet been returned. I finally got them on Wednesday). Anyway, I stopped at Staples on my way home and had my arms filled with office supplies as I approached my building. My headphones turned to full volume, so I didn't understand what was going on when the doorman tried to wave me down. It turns out that I arrived in the nick of time! A guy from Con Ed was there in the building lobby telling the doorman he had to turn off my electricity because I hadn't paid my bill.
Wait-- What?!?!
Again, sheer Hyde disorganization and nothing more was the culprit. (I toss my mail in the kitchen upon its arrival and regularly forget to rummage through it for bills). I had a hefty bill to pay-- near $500, but I wrote the guy a check then and there. Thank god the lost paychecks had come in that morning, or I'd be on near empty in my bank account right about now!
Anyway, Wednesday afternoon I sent Narc another text. Again-- no reply. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I was certain he was on the retreat. Despite myself, I was crestfallen. And anxious. Crestfallen and anxious. Anxious and crestfallen-- not a good combination. Not a good way to be. I skipped choir, my heart in my throat and my throat still sore. Instead I went to Cheers.
I was determined to stay mellow. I wrote a lot in my journal and re-read Narc's screenplay. (I still want to post about that... a lot of thoughts on the matter). I sipped my double jack and diets as slowly as I could and I listened to old voice messages from Narc. (I'm such a fucking sap!) And I felt brokenhearted. I was sad. The world was slow. Three smarmy old Irish guys were making way too much noise at the end of the bar and were lusting after IrishBird. I felt so bad for her, having to put up with their slobbering gross-ness and smile as if she liked it. They were annoying me. That was my mood.
At around midnight, PumpedUp came in like a gust of fresh air. He was drunk and in a good mood.
"Hyde!" he clapped me on the back. "The next one's on me! And make it a double!"
When IrishBird delivered the drink, he seized it and took two big gulps before passing it over. Very unlike him!
"Strong enough for ya?" IrishBird laughed.
The place had nearly emptied out, and so PumpedUp started buying shots for the whole joint. (I think they were Guinness shots.) Well, also in typical Hyde fashion, I had to raise the stakes. If we were doing shots, we should be doing shots! So I ordered a few shots of Jager. Again, PumpedUp slapped me on the back.
"I can always count on you to take it up a notch, Hyde!"
I laughed, but knew I was getting drunk too fast. I ended up bombed on alcohol and brokenhearted. Another lousy combination, but a familiar one. Yes! It's one I know quite well! (I seem to prefer it to "anxious and crestfallen.") I sent Narc another text.
Guess what? I'm still up and I want to fuck you!
Obviously it was an alcohol-colored text. Then I came home and "drlogged" an alcohol colored post that made no sense to me in the morning, and so I removed it. I also ate some potato chips. D'oh! Don't you just love drunk-decision making?
The next morning, my eyes were stuck shut-- not from an infection, but from the pounds of gooey mascara that had looked so lovely the night before. (I had a black and gold thing going on). Facing myself in the mirror, I looked absolutely ghoulish! My mouth was parched and my throat hurt again. My cell phone hadn't been plugged in. I had to assess what had happened the night before. I stumbled into the living room, found the phone, erased the drunk post and gulped down some water. I found a red bull and gratefully guzzled it, noticing that I had drunk-emailed the Stallion.
Hyde: Hey! So, here's your email! What time is good for you for lunch? Later is better for me... around 2:30 or so. What neighborhood are you in? I'm quasi-flexible. Let me know what you think... :) -Hyde
Stallion: Later is better for me also. How about 3:00 pm @ dojo's on st marks between 2nd and 3rd. I look forward to seeing ya !!!
Hyde: Sounds perfect! That's where I met you a few summers ago... remember??? love, h
Stallion: That is pretty funny. I honestly didn't even make the connection. I guess we really do come full circle, or maybe for a fresh start ya know. Or to dust off our goblet of joy who knows. Have no idea where that last one came from. Possibly because I'm up at 2:00 am sitting at my computer like a dork as usual. Well see ya tomorrow:)
I didn't remember any of that, but I don't think he could tell how drunk I was. Then I checked my voice mail. There was a 2:30 am message left by Narc:
Hydeeeeen! It's Narc. It's about 2:30 and I am crashed out. Got CouchSleeper on my couch and all that stuff. Spent the whole evening out. But um... I want you to come wake me up tomorrow morning when you're done with your teaching obligations. I, um... yeah. I just want you to come over and wake me up... somehow. So, you should do that. I don't have much more for you. Don't call me back. Just come over and wake me up. Alright. Bye.
Score!
I was happy. I love Narc, and I want to let myself be in love and stop fighting myself in my own head. It's damn exhausting to try to control one's thoughts and feelings.
ROUND 1:
Dizzy from the alcohol, I pulled myself together the best I could, even throwing on high heels (as I know the Stallion has a shoe-thing.) Half stumbling out the door, I quickly grabbed a cab, chatting with Hammer the whole ride down about SingMan, MiniMan, Timesy and my day with three dates! (Yes, the girls are in boy-crazy mode a little).
When the cab pulled off the FDR, there was so much traffic and I couldn't sit and wait. I had to get to Narc. So I got out of the cab at around Wall Street. There I was in the bustle of the financial district, everyone purposefully hustling to work, me in a daze on my way to meet my "lover," still gossiping on the phone with Hammer.
When I arrived, I told Narc's doorman to keep buzzing him until he woke up. He laughed at me. I wonder what the doormen over there think of Narc's depraved lifestyle. In any case, they're starting to remember my name. Out of the elevator, Narc was waiting for me at the door, scruffy, hungover and in his boxers.
"CouchSleeper's asleep," he said. "I didn't want you to ring the bell."
He led me into his bedroom and started to kiss me immediately.
Woah! Intense.
I took off my clothes and crawled into bed with him. He kissed me again, as if he loved me-- on the forehead, on the eyes, on the cheeks, on the tip of my nose. And then he kissed my mouth hard--so hard, like he needed me desperately. I wished that it would bruise my lips so that I could remember the kiss forever. I wanted it to hurt like my heart was hurting. With sweet pain. He wanted "forever" too... wanting to stay inside of me. It was nice.
Afterwards, he held me close and fell back asleep. I couldn't sleep. So I just lay there. I stayed like that for a while, but before long, I got bored. So I texted Hammer. We went back and forth for a while. Then I got up and ventured into the bathroom to fix my sex-smudged makeup. CouchSleeper was still sprawled, mouth a gape, on the couch.
Back in Narc's room, I checked my email. Damn it! I really wanted him to wake up!
So I stripped down again and got back in the bed. He did "wake up" and we were at it again. This time he was intense and rougher. He put his hand over my mouth so that CouchSleeper wouldn't hear us. Afterwards, he collapsed on top of me. Fucking awesome.
Twenty minutes passed and he was up again. It was an incredible morning. I don't know what got into him! But I felt so totally and completely in love with him. I want to take care of him. I want it so badly, but he won't let me. I was filled with a sweet ache pressing on my heart. I kissed him everywhere and stroked his hair.
Then another 20 minutes passed and he was up and wanting more, more, more yet again! I just abandoned myself to him.
When it was all done, I checked my watch. It was nearly 2:00 pm and I had to meet the Stallion on St. Mark's at 3:00. I had to get up.
"I've got to go soon," I said.
"Oh no! Why?"
"Meeting a friend for lunch..."
I asked him what he had been up to for the past two days.
"Partying with James and CouchSleeper Tuesday night," he said. "We started in the East Village. Then we headed to Milk and Honey, but we were wasted and that's a small, quiet space. It's chill there. So I felt kind of bad. We were being loud, and James was getting especially out of control. He was all over some waitress."
"I'm surprised his wife let him out with you guys this time."
"She gave him a 12:30 am curfew. CouchSleeper and I left him at Milk and Honey. We wanted to go. He wouldn't come with, so... Then we went to the Patriot."
"The Patriot? Yay! Did you play the jukebox?"
"Um, no, Hyde..." he gave me a squeeze. "That's your thing. Not much for me there. Anyway, James called at like 1:00 am and was all-- 'You guys left me! Where are you?' But he was home and we wouldn't tell him which bar we were at. No one wants to feel the wrath of his wife! She's a psycho. Then CouchSleeper and I got wasted and crashed out late."
"That was Tuesday?"
"Yeah... "
"What about last night?"
"I don't know... Wednesday we woke up at 4:00 and hung out here. Then we met M for dinner at Yucca and then back to the Patriot again til closing."
"Wow. You must be tired."
"I am."
So that's what Narc had been doing while I was pining. And that's why he never answered my texts. He was just doing what Narc does. Why am I so insecure? Fucking fear of abandonment rearing it's ugly head!
I told Narc a little bit about Hammer's adventures with SingMan. He laughed. Finally I pulled myself up and out of bed. CouchSleeper had moved and was obviously awake, but had his head hidden under the blanket to make it less awkward for me. When I emerged from the bathroom "reconstructed" he was sitting on the couch.
"How are you doing Hyde?" he smiled. (I haven't seen him in at least 7-8 months!)
"Good... good... You?"
"I'm good."
Narc was in jeans and a white t-shirt, refilling the water filter in the kitchen. I tried to make some more polite chit-chat with them, but it was weird. Someone said something about Chinese food. Narc said he wanted a new cell phone It was 2:45. I had to go.
"Enjoy the rest of your day, boys!" I called as a breezed out the door.
"Yeah-- enjoy your lunch," said Narc.
"Nice seeing ya!" CouchSleeper waved.
And I was out.
ROUND 2:
I can't believe I was heading to meet the Stallion with the taste of Narc still in my mouth, but I was. I wished I weren't. I didn't want the date. I wanted to stay with Narc, with whom I'm in love! But a plan is a plan and a date is a date. I called Hammer in the cab and headed into round 2.
The Stallion wanted to meet at Dojo (kind of lame, as Hammer pointed out) and I got there before him. I waited at the bar. When he came in, he grabbed me and hugged me.
"I just want to squeeze ya!" he said.
I smiled, but felt awkward. (Yes, NDN-- awkward! Awkward!)
He leaned in for a little kiss. The bad thing about kissing someone as dark as the Stallion is that if I've just powdered, my makeup rubs off on his skin and shows up. I hate that.
"So, what have you been up to, girl?"
"I don't know... same old, same old... teaching, singing... you know..."
The Stallion had wanted a daylight meeting. What he didn't know is that he was getting Jekyll. Jekyll doesn't think or act like Hyde and Jekyll doesn't have much use for the Stallion.
Conversation over lunch felt forced. I talked about what I teach. He didn't have much to say about that. I asked him what he's been doing in terms of work.
"Researching companies and investing in them," he said.
I don't know what that means, or if it even means anything at all!
"Oh, cool..." I replied.
He asked me if I was still seeing "that guy."
"Yeah, sort of... What about you? Still with your girlfriend?"
"Um, yeah... It's there. You know? I mean, it's just there. I love her family!" he explained. "Her dad and I are tight. He's awesome."
"Is she still in California?"
"No. She's in NY now."
"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow.
Then we went back to forced conversation about nothing.
Whenever there was a lull, he told me how pretty I looked, how sexy I am, etc. Honestly? I didn't need to hear that from him and I didn't care. I was in love with Narc. I am in love with Narc. More and more and more. So, why was I there? He also kept telling me how nice it was to see me in "daylight," how the sun was making my eyes a particularly beautiful brown. It was just words. I didn't feel pretty. I felt ugly. I felt uncomfortable. I felt high strung... tight. And like I was talking too fast with nothing at all to say.
After lunch the Stallion wanted to go for a walk. He put his arm around my waist and rubbed his hand up and down my back. We were walking up Second Avenue. He was telling me something about his fourth grade teacher and when he learned the word "inebriated." From there, he started telling me how he thinks he fried his brain out in San Diego.
"Too many drugs?" I asked.
"Too much partying in general... And laying around in the sun."
We walked up to a park on 15th and Second and sat down. The Stallion doesn't like pigeons. Neither do I. (Neither does NDN.) I was leaning up against him.
"Look at us!" he said. "Everybody is checking you out!"
Um... not really.
I still felt sex-smeared from Narc. But his comment made me think of Hammer and the Wizard. He always thought every man was madly in love with her. It would fuel his jealous rages.
The Stallion had to pee and I knew of a Starbucks on 15th and Third, so I suggested we go over there. While I was waiting for him, I hummed along with the radio. It was Soave sia il vento from Cosi fan tutte. When he came out, he put his arms around me from behind.
"I hear you singing, girl! I still have to hear you do your opera thing sometime."
I agreed.
We started to walk up Third. Conversation was still difficult. I told him I'm brainstorming what to do with myself this summer, but that I have to make some money.
"I know a thing or two you could do for money!" he smiled.
"Oh, do you?"
"Yeah... I can think of a few things you're good at." He winked at me.
"What? I should go into business?"
"I could pimp for you!" he laughed. "60-40's fair, right? 60 for me, 40 for you!"
I laughed with him, but it was a dishonest laugh. His joke pissed me off. I didn't take it as a sexual compliment, which is how (I guess?) it was intended. I thought it was disrespectful.
We were walking arm in arm and I pointed out that his stride was so long.
"It's your size!" I said.
Then he made some kind of off-putting sexual innuendo about how huge his dick is. I don't remember exactly how he said it.
Anyway, he stopped me on the street and started kissing me. I know it's kind of gross, but I kept thinking that Narc had come in my mouth that morning and that I hadn't brushed my teeth.
"I couldn't hold out any longer," the Stallion said, grabbing me around the waist. "I just had to do that. I had to see how long I could go without kissing you, and that's it."
I smiled and laughed and kissed back, but it felt wrong. It was a false self. I felt stiff. I didn't want him. I betrayed myself... compromised myself. I didn't feel good.
At around 29th street, we got on the uptown bus. He was telling me about his two kittens that he had rescued off the street. Some woman sitting near us turned around with some advice about where to get them spayed. I felt grimy and was ready for the date to end, but there we were on the bus heading towards my home. I was going to have to find a way out of his play for sex that was surely on the way.
In the meanwhile, I completely forgot about a scheduled hang-out with B! In lieu of our 24 nights, B offered a regular Tuesday/Thursday date at around 5:00 pm for a few hours. The problem for me is that I don't have fixed a schedule on those days and it's hard for me to remember to be home. I stood him up last week (I was with Narc) and yesterday I had to request pushing our meeting even later. But even though B was pissed at me, meeting him was a good excuse to get rid of the Stallion.
Back at my apartment there was a lot more kissing and I needed a more immediate way out.
"Wanna hear me sing?" I asked.
I sang him an aria and he said it was beautiful, but he looked uninterested. That loses major points with me. When he tried to get physical again, I teasingly pushed him away.
"You're the one who wanted to meet in the daylight and make this more of a 'friendship,' so we'll have to control ourselves," I said.
I want you to go home and I want to be back with Narc RIGHT NOW! is what I wanted to say.
Just then, B called.
"I'm at Padelson's but I'll be there in 20 minutes."
The Stallion took that as his cue to leave.
B and I only hung out for an hour or so. I told him about my new idea--to stop fighting myself for loving Narc. It's exhausting.
"And I need to stop being so insecure about him, you know?" I went on. "It's a limited relationship, yes. But it's not going away. All of that anxiety I had on Wednesday before going to Cheers-- it was fear and frustration. All I need to do is negate the self and eliminate desire and longing!"
We both had a good laugh at that.
When he headed out, I had to regroup. I sent Narc a dorky text (based on the naturlich principle!): I had a fun morning with you. :)
Now what? An hour and a half until Double-T. Top priority had to go to showering and brushing teeth. GO! There wasn't much time to spare, but I managed to get fresh and gorgeous for the date, watch a recorded episode of Wife Swap and talk to Shorty for a few minutes on the phone.
ROUND 3:
I had asked Double-T to come to my neighborhood and told him that dinner would be my treat. (He's paid for a lot so far, so I thought it would be nice to get him back). We planned to meet at East where it was Thursday night-Salmon night again. On my way there, I got a text from Narc!
Going to see "V for Vendetta" at 10 if you want to come!
I wrote back immediately:
Oh! Would love to, but I have plans. :( Grrr. Let me know how it is. Call or text later...
As I was walking to the restaurant and fiddling with my cell phone, I saw the long shadow of a man behind me on the street. As a street-smart girl, I turned to assess the lurker and saw that it was TT!
"Hey, what's up?" I said casually.
"No kiss?" he asked.
Oh yeah... I forgot I was supposed to be in "date-mode."
I stopped and let him kiss me. He tried way too much tongue for that early in the night. Yuck. I was too sober for that. I felt detached from him. I just really don't feel chemistry with this guy, and it's so hard to let myself be touched and kissed that way.
We headed into the restaurant. He looked skeptical. He said that he's wary about sushi. Who doesn't eat sushi these days! I pointed out that there were a lot of other things on the menu. Still, I got the impression that he was not happy with the restaurant.
"We can go somewhere else, if you want..." I offered.
"No. It'll be okay."
I was unimpressed with his fussiness. Oh, he also asked for a fork instead of chopsticks. If you live in New York City, you need to cultivate some minimal chopstick skills to be socially acceptable!
Conversation was "okay" over dinner. I was interested in what he had to say about the funeral he had just been to, his time in film school, how he got into broadcasting and television stuff, etc. But I felt like when I was talking he looked bored.
Bored?!?!
That's unacceptable to me. I'm a firecracker and if he wasn't interested, it's another sign of bad chemistry. Then again, maybe he was just tired or run down. My food was good, though, and I ate heartily.
Off to Cheers to cap the night.
Once we were back on the street, he stopped me to kiss again. All I saw was that dreamy-eyed "about to kiss" face coming towards me (the one Hammer does such a brilliant impression of!) and I braced myself for it. I let myself kiss and be kissed, but I again felt compromised and dishonest. Damn sobriety!
Outside of Cheers there was a lot of action-- everyone setting up for the big St. Patty's Day. BarMan is hosting karaoke today starting at 3:00 pm and going til closing! Damn!
TT and I took a seat not far from the "stage" and he bought us drinks. There were some older ladies from Scotland singing "Lipstick on your Collar." It was hard to talk with the noise, but back in my element with some alcohol in me I started to feel good. TT was fading into the background.
Just then, who walked into the bar? JFig! She was with her mom and boyfriend ("the man responsible for ending my marriage," as she put it to me). I gave TT the heads up on her.
"I know that woman, and she's a little crazy," I said. "I'm just warning you. And she's gonna come over here for sure."
Sure enough, she did. She was wacked out-- drunk or high or both, and incoherent. We made our introductions.
She started dancing wildly, shaking her ass and trying to pole dance, swinging her legs in the air. Cheers is an Irish PUB, people! And this woman is in her 40's AND her mother was there!
I tried to tell TT the story of how I met her and he looked at me strangely.
"No, seriously!" I said. "I thought I was crazy and had substance issues until I met her!"
(Maybe that's not such a slick thing to tell a guy on a date, but I don't care. I really don't.)
Anyway, JFig was putting on quite a floor show. I got up to sing "Heaven is a Place on Earth" and kicked some ass on it. Afterwards, JFig grabbed my arm in front of the table with the Scottish ladies.
"I know her! I know her!" she said, pointing at me with glee. "She's my friend! Isn't she greeeeaaat!"
It was weird.
Another guy came up to me-- a really big guy named Dave.
"You're a teacher, right?"
"Yeah! Good memory!"
"How could I forget you, dear? You're absolutely unforgettable!!!"
After that, he sat at the bar and kept staring at me, trying to look smoldering. I tried to ignore him and focus on TT. It was flattering, though.
JFig was starting to irritate ThursdayGirl with her antics, and JFig's mom pointed out as much. So JFig ran across the street and bought a bouquet of roses and started handing the roses out to various people in the bar, including two for me.
"Hyde! Hyde! Over here." I looked up to see who was calling my name. It was Manwich-- another regular. TT was in the restroom, so I went over to say hello.
"My friend wants to meet you," he said, introducing me to his friend, P.
I extended my hand.
"My friend here is a singer too!" Manwich said.
"Oh, really? What part do you sing?"
"Tenor."
(I later heard him sing. He's not a singer.)
Manwich's friend P told me that he likes Gilbert and Sullivan.
"I used to be in a Gilbert and Sullivan troupe," I said. "I played Katisha. Back in my mezzo days! You should try out to sing with them. It's a lot of fun."
I told him I'd give him a call with the information. But TT had just returned from the restroom. I walked back over to our table.
"That wasn't what it looked like," I laughed.
"Oh, so you're not getting another guy's phone number?"
"He's a friend of a friend, and it's about a theater group," I explained.
"Oh, alright..."
"No, really, TT! I wouldn't do that! I'm not an awful person!"
"I know."
He smiled, but there was lingering tension. So I took his hand and got a little more PDA with him to prove my point. Who cares if the big smoldering guy was watching.
Nothing much happened until TT's next bathroom break when the big smoldering guy approached.
"You look nice," he said.
I was tipsy.
"Thanks!"
"Real nice."
"Thanks!"
"So, what are you singing next?"
"I don't know..."
"You should do 'Like a Prayer.' Most people can't really do it justice, but I know you could."
"Hmm... that's an idea."
TT returned and smolderer slinked off. TT and I went back to some dull conversation, mostly about the songs that were playing or about various characters around the bar. And then I had to go to the bathroom.
Near the ladies room there's a coat rack. I saw a man and a woman rummaging through the coats.
"Looking for wallets?" I asked as I moved by.
"No! No!" the woman insisted. "We're going in our own coat pockets!"
"Seriously! We're not going through anyone's stuff!" the man said.
"I'm only kidding you guys! What, do you think I work security here?"
There was a line for the ladies room. The woman somehow left the scene and so I was left standing there with the man. We started talking. He told me that he used to be a singer, but that he ruined his voice with smoking.
"Is that really true?!? What did you sing?"
"Oh, I starred in musical theater and stuff in high school."
"Like what?"
"Little Shop of Horrors."
"Fabulous!"
We talked for a while more. I liked this character. His name is Jazz. I was pretty sure he was gay (I later found out I was right). He was quite a talker! Finally, the bathroom became free so we parted ways.
Back to TT. A little more chit-chat and awkward hand-holding. Finally, ThursdayGirl called my song. Hooray! I had so much fun singing "Like a Prayer." Usually I sing much slower music which can be emotionally moving, but rarely energizing. This time I had the crowd up and dancing. I really got to energize them! It was a different kind of rewarding experience. After that, TT was looking really tired and I knew I had to get up early the next morning, so I agreed when he wanted to go home.
I told TT that he could walk me up to my apartment, even though I knew it was a pig-sty. I don't know why, but I was really drunk at that point and feeling much less hesitant or awkward about the kisses. I was emotionally obliterated by the booze and to be honest, it was liberating. So, he came in. And we made out. (And yes-- I made him happy, but no intercourse. And my clothes stayed on--fully.). And then he went home.
Just before he did, my phone rang. Guess who it was? Guess who! Guess who! My stomach turned in excitement. Yes... it was Narc. I had to ignore the call because TT was still here, so he left a message:
Hey it's me. It's probably around midnight. I just got out of "V for Vendetta" and the verdict is very good! The Wachowskis are back on top after the fiasco that was the second two "Matrix" movies. Very political, very disturbing at some parts but very entertaining at others, and highly recommend it. So... Yup. Alright, you got your big day tomorrow so you're probably already asleep. On that note, now... But, uh... Give me a call when you can. Alright. Bye.
Yipee! I called back right away.
"I'm not asleep. But I am tipsy! Scrap that. I'm drunk." I said.
We chatted a while. I don't remember what was said.
"I do have my 'big day' tomorrow Narc, but I want to see you anyway. I'm coming down."
"Do you want any food?"
"Okay."
"What?"
"Just get me any... anything!"
And then I went back to Cheers. Why? Because Jekyll had truly turned into Hyde and I wanted to drink more/flirt more for another half hour before going to see Narc. I ended up talking to Manwich's friend P for what seemed like an eternity. (Manwich came up to me and told me that his friend "likes me." It was very fourth grade. I was NOT interested). Then I found Arachnid-- the bartender from the Overlook and my new friend Jazz and we talked for a really long time. I was telling him about all my dates that day.
"Oh my god! I want your life!" he exclaimed.
"No you don't," I laughed. "Believe me-- you really, really don't!"
I was trying to explain the Narc-concept to him and and all of its ensuant problems and so I started to tell him how Narc denies being in any kind of "relationship" with me. I used the example of what he said to that stranger when we were at Yaffa's in June-- "I met her a year ago, we had a couple of one night stands and I knocked her up."
"Wait! What? You didn't tell me that part! Is it true???" Jazz seemed giddy with my story.
"Oh yeah... Well, whatever. The point is, he won't give me anything to feel safe about!"
"I love you!" Jazz shouted, grabbing my shoulders. "I love this girl! You are so real!"
I didn't understand what he was getting so excited about.
"You have to come with me to transvestite B-I-N-G-O," he said.
"Yeah, sure... give me your number."
"Did you hear what I said? Trans-vest-ite B-I-N-G-O!"
"Yeah, I heard you..."
Jazz seemed both delighted and disappointed that the concept didn't phase me.
It was now 1:15 and I was really drunk. I sent Narc a text: Crazy traffic on 2nd. Will be there asap!
ROUND 4:
When I got to Narc's house, he had a sandwich from Subway waiting for me and a little bag of potato chips on the table. It was so sweet. I kept apologizing for being drunk.
"What were you up to today, anyway?" he asked.
"Ugh. Don't ask. I had two dates today."
Damn it! Why did I say that? Yep... I was drunk.
I wish I could tell you more about what followed, but the last leg of the night is lost in an alcoholic fog. I remember burning to tell Narc that I love him, but not wanting to upset him. So I tried to find different words.
"You do know how much I care about you, right?" I asked.
"Yes, Hyde... I know."
"No-- really... How very much! How deeply I care! Right?"
"Yes."
He pulled me close. He kissed my forehead sweetly. I don't remember anything else. But when I woke up this morning, I saw the condom wrapper on the floor. Damn it! I bet it was beautiful romantic sex too...
Narc woke up when the alarm went off for me this morning at 7:00.
"You've got to get up, Hyde... You don't want to miss your class!"
How sweet! He knew I would be hungover so he was looking out for me to make sure I got up!
So that brings us to today...
Boy, did I feel like shit this morning. And I'm croaking like a frog. Too much karaoke and Jack Daniels. And I'm not even fully recovered from last weekend's illness! I lingered in bed as long as I could with my arms around Narc. And then I got an egg sandwich and took the subway to work. I felt like such a "commuter." Like a regular person. I managed to teach and survive my day.
Even so, I was worried that I had made a bad impression on Narc, somehow... That I shouldn't have shown up there drunk, or shouldn't have mentioned the dates, or shouldn't have behaved so affectionately. The thoughts were rolling in my head... the wheels turning. So I sent him a text in between my classes to gauge his response.
One down and one to go. Growl... I want to be eating soda bread and drinking green beer!
He wrote me back a few hours later:
Just woke up an hour ago!
Phew! He wrote back! So everything is normal and under control. (Sort of... as if my "normal" is ever "under control.") Breathe, Hyde! Breathe!
I wrote back: You well rested little bastard! Just got done! In my office blogging. Normally teach til 3:15 but they finished the exam early.
Narc: Whoohoo! Time for green beer!
Hyde: Exactly! Although I have to cross midtown w/ the parade crowds.
Anyway, I'm home now and exhausted by the telling of my tale, so I'll leave it at that with little analysis of the day's events. I'm starting to make too many typos. It's a sign to step away from the computer.
Happy St. Patty's and Happy Weekend everyone!
love,
hyde
The Hydey-trinity: Narc, Stallion and Double-T!
The story? Here is goes (and it's a long one! But worth it, I think)...
The whole first half of the week, I felt strange. Strange and lonely. I hate being single when I'm sick. On Monday night I was alone for 24. (Hammer had the Purim party where she met MiniMan). Narc called at around 11:00 that night, but I was too sick to see him.
On Tuesday B came over in the afternoon. Sometimes I feel like he's doing me a "favor" by hanging out with me (since it's such an inconvenience to him and poor Drippy!) and I don't like that feeling. That night, I watched American Idol alone. Again, I was lonely. I texted Narc to see what he thought of the performances. No reply.
Okay, I thought. So Narc is back into "ignore Hyde" mode!
Wednesday was my first day out of the sick bed and back to work. I taught my early morning class and headed home to vegetate after that, still not back to feeling myself. On the way home I stopped to pick up some paychecks. (In typical Hyde fashion, I failed to pick up four paychecks last semester. I had a big student loan sitting in my bank account, so I wasn't hurting for the cash, and it's a pain in the ass to go to the bursar's office. The problem is that the checks got cancelled when I didn't pick them up, and to re-issue them, I had to wait six to eight weeks. That made for some pressure in January and February when my loan money had dwindled and the paychecks had not yet been returned. I finally got them on Wednesday). Anyway, I stopped at Staples on my way home and had my arms filled with office supplies as I approached my building. My headphones turned to full volume, so I didn't understand what was going on when the doorman tried to wave me down. It turns out that I arrived in the nick of time! A guy from Con Ed was there in the building lobby telling the doorman he had to turn off my electricity because I hadn't paid my bill.
Wait-- What?!?!
Again, sheer Hyde disorganization and nothing more was the culprit. (I toss my mail in the kitchen upon its arrival and regularly forget to rummage through it for bills). I had a hefty bill to pay-- near $500, but I wrote the guy a check then and there. Thank god the lost paychecks had come in that morning, or I'd be on near empty in my bank account right about now!
Anyway, Wednesday afternoon I sent Narc another text. Again-- no reply. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I was certain he was on the retreat. Despite myself, I was crestfallen. And anxious. Crestfallen and anxious. Anxious and crestfallen-- not a good combination. Not a good way to be. I skipped choir, my heart in my throat and my throat still sore. Instead I went to Cheers.
I was determined to stay mellow. I wrote a lot in my journal and re-read Narc's screenplay. (I still want to post about that... a lot of thoughts on the matter). I sipped my double jack and diets as slowly as I could and I listened to old voice messages from Narc. (I'm such a fucking sap!) And I felt brokenhearted. I was sad. The world was slow. Three smarmy old Irish guys were making way too much noise at the end of the bar and were lusting after IrishBird. I felt so bad for her, having to put up with their slobbering gross-ness and smile as if she liked it. They were annoying me. That was my mood.
At around midnight, PumpedUp came in like a gust of fresh air. He was drunk and in a good mood.
"Hyde!" he clapped me on the back. "The next one's on me! And make it a double!"
When IrishBird delivered the drink, he seized it and took two big gulps before passing it over. Very unlike him!
"Strong enough for ya?" IrishBird laughed.
The place had nearly emptied out, and so PumpedUp started buying shots for the whole joint. (I think they were Guinness shots.) Well, also in typical Hyde fashion, I had to raise the stakes. If we were doing shots, we should be doing shots! So I ordered a few shots of Jager. Again, PumpedUp slapped me on the back.
"I can always count on you to take it up a notch, Hyde!"
I laughed, but knew I was getting drunk too fast. I ended up bombed on alcohol and brokenhearted. Another lousy combination, but a familiar one. Yes! It's one I know quite well! (I seem to prefer it to "anxious and crestfallen.") I sent Narc another text.
Guess what? I'm still up and I want to fuck you!
Obviously it was an alcohol-colored text. Then I came home and "drlogged" an alcohol colored post that made no sense to me in the morning, and so I removed it. I also ate some potato chips. D'oh! Don't you just love drunk-decision making?
The next morning, my eyes were stuck shut-- not from an infection, but from the pounds of gooey mascara that had looked so lovely the night before. (I had a black and gold thing going on). Facing myself in the mirror, I looked absolutely ghoulish! My mouth was parched and my throat hurt again. My cell phone hadn't been plugged in. I had to assess what had happened the night before. I stumbled into the living room, found the phone, erased the drunk post and gulped down some water. I found a red bull and gratefully guzzled it, noticing that I had drunk-emailed the Stallion.
Hyde: Hey! So, here's your email! What time is good for you for lunch? Later is better for me... around 2:30 or so. What neighborhood are you in? I'm quasi-flexible. Let me know what you think... :) -Hyde
Stallion: Later is better for me also. How about 3:00 pm @ dojo's on st marks between 2nd and 3rd. I look forward to seeing ya !!!
Hyde: Sounds perfect! That's where I met you a few summers ago... remember??? love, h
Stallion: That is pretty funny. I honestly didn't even make the connection. I guess we really do come full circle, or maybe for a fresh start ya know. Or to dust off our goblet of joy who knows. Have no idea where that last one came from. Possibly because I'm up at 2:00 am sitting at my computer like a dork as usual. Well see ya tomorrow:)
I didn't remember any of that, but I don't think he could tell how drunk I was. Then I checked my voice mail. There was a 2:30 am message left by Narc:
Hydeeeeen! It's Narc. It's about 2:30 and I am crashed out. Got CouchSleeper on my couch and all that stuff. Spent the whole evening out. But um... I want you to come wake me up tomorrow morning when you're done with your teaching obligations. I, um... yeah. I just want you to come over and wake me up... somehow. So, you should do that. I don't have much more for you. Don't call me back. Just come over and wake me up. Alright. Bye.
Score!
I was happy. I love Narc, and I want to let myself be in love and stop fighting myself in my own head. It's damn exhausting to try to control one's thoughts and feelings.
ROUND 1:
Dizzy from the alcohol, I pulled myself together the best I could, even throwing on high heels (as I know the Stallion has a shoe-thing.) Half stumbling out the door, I quickly grabbed a cab, chatting with Hammer the whole ride down about SingMan, MiniMan, Timesy and my day with three dates! (Yes, the girls are in boy-crazy mode a little).
When the cab pulled off the FDR, there was so much traffic and I couldn't sit and wait. I had to get to Narc. So I got out of the cab at around Wall Street. There I was in the bustle of the financial district, everyone purposefully hustling to work, me in a daze on my way to meet my "lover," still gossiping on the phone with Hammer.
When I arrived, I told Narc's doorman to keep buzzing him until he woke up. He laughed at me. I wonder what the doormen over there think of Narc's depraved lifestyle. In any case, they're starting to remember my name. Out of the elevator, Narc was waiting for me at the door, scruffy, hungover and in his boxers.
"CouchSleeper's asleep," he said. "I didn't want you to ring the bell."
He led me into his bedroom and started to kiss me immediately.
Woah! Intense.
I took off my clothes and crawled into bed with him. He kissed me again, as if he loved me-- on the forehead, on the eyes, on the cheeks, on the tip of my nose. And then he kissed my mouth hard--so hard, like he needed me desperately. I wished that it would bruise my lips so that I could remember the kiss forever. I wanted it to hurt like my heart was hurting. With sweet pain. He wanted "forever" too... wanting to stay inside of me. It was nice.
Afterwards, he held me close and fell back asleep. I couldn't sleep. So I just lay there. I stayed like that for a while, but before long, I got bored. So I texted Hammer. We went back and forth for a while. Then I got up and ventured into the bathroom to fix my sex-smudged makeup. CouchSleeper was still sprawled, mouth a gape, on the couch.
Back in Narc's room, I checked my email. Damn it! I really wanted him to wake up!
So I stripped down again and got back in the bed. He did "wake up" and we were at it again. This time he was intense and rougher. He put his hand over my mouth so that CouchSleeper wouldn't hear us. Afterwards, he collapsed on top of me. Fucking awesome.
Twenty minutes passed and he was up again. It was an incredible morning. I don't know what got into him! But I felt so totally and completely in love with him. I want to take care of him. I want it so badly, but he won't let me. I was filled with a sweet ache pressing on my heart. I kissed him everywhere and stroked his hair.
Then another 20 minutes passed and he was up and wanting more, more, more yet again! I just abandoned myself to him.
When it was all done, I checked my watch. It was nearly 2:00 pm and I had to meet the Stallion on St. Mark's at 3:00. I had to get up.
"I've got to go soon," I said.
"Oh no! Why?"
"Meeting a friend for lunch..."
I asked him what he had been up to for the past two days.
"Partying with James and CouchSleeper Tuesday night," he said. "We started in the East Village. Then we headed to Milk and Honey, but we were wasted and that's a small, quiet space. It's chill there. So I felt kind of bad. We were being loud, and James was getting especially out of control. He was all over some waitress."
"I'm surprised his wife let him out with you guys this time."
"She gave him a 12:30 am curfew. CouchSleeper and I left him at Milk and Honey. We wanted to go. He wouldn't come with, so... Then we went to the Patriot."
"The Patriot? Yay! Did you play the jukebox?"
"Um, no, Hyde..." he gave me a squeeze. "That's your thing. Not much for me there. Anyway, James called at like 1:00 am and was all-- 'You guys left me! Where are you?' But he was home and we wouldn't tell him which bar we were at. No one wants to feel the wrath of his wife! She's a psycho. Then CouchSleeper and I got wasted and crashed out late."
"That was Tuesday?"
"Yeah... "
"What about last night?"
"I don't know... Wednesday we woke up at 4:00 and hung out here. Then we met M for dinner at Yucca and then back to the Patriot again til closing."
"Wow. You must be tired."
"I am."
So that's what Narc had been doing while I was pining. And that's why he never answered my texts. He was just doing what Narc does. Why am I so insecure? Fucking fear of abandonment rearing it's ugly head!
I told Narc a little bit about Hammer's adventures with SingMan. He laughed. Finally I pulled myself up and out of bed. CouchSleeper had moved and was obviously awake, but had his head hidden under the blanket to make it less awkward for me. When I emerged from the bathroom "reconstructed" he was sitting on the couch.
"How are you doing Hyde?" he smiled. (I haven't seen him in at least 7-8 months!)
"Good... good... You?"
"I'm good."
Narc was in jeans and a white t-shirt, refilling the water filter in the kitchen. I tried to make some more polite chit-chat with them, but it was weird. Someone said something about Chinese food. Narc said he wanted a new cell phone It was 2:45. I had to go.
"Enjoy the rest of your day, boys!" I called as a breezed out the door.
"Yeah-- enjoy your lunch," said Narc.
"Nice seeing ya!" CouchSleeper waved.
And I was out.
ROUND 2:
I can't believe I was heading to meet the Stallion with the taste of Narc still in my mouth, but I was. I wished I weren't. I didn't want the date. I wanted to stay with Narc, with whom I'm in love! But a plan is a plan and a date is a date. I called Hammer in the cab and headed into round 2.
The Stallion wanted to meet at Dojo (kind of lame, as Hammer pointed out) and I got there before him. I waited at the bar. When he came in, he grabbed me and hugged me.
"I just want to squeeze ya!" he said.
I smiled, but felt awkward. (Yes, NDN-- awkward! Awkward!)
He leaned in for a little kiss. The bad thing about kissing someone as dark as the Stallion is that if I've just powdered, my makeup rubs off on his skin and shows up. I hate that.
"So, what have you been up to, girl?"
"I don't know... same old, same old... teaching, singing... you know..."
The Stallion had wanted a daylight meeting. What he didn't know is that he was getting Jekyll. Jekyll doesn't think or act like Hyde and Jekyll doesn't have much use for the Stallion.
Conversation over lunch felt forced. I talked about what I teach. He didn't have much to say about that. I asked him what he's been doing in terms of work.
"Researching companies and investing in them," he said.
I don't know what that means, or if it even means anything at all!
"Oh, cool..." I replied.
He asked me if I was still seeing "that guy."
"Yeah, sort of... What about you? Still with your girlfriend?"
"Um, yeah... It's there. You know? I mean, it's just there. I love her family!" he explained. "Her dad and I are tight. He's awesome."
"Is she still in California?"
"No. She's in NY now."
"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow.
Then we went back to forced conversation about nothing.
Whenever there was a lull, he told me how pretty I looked, how sexy I am, etc. Honestly? I didn't need to hear that from him and I didn't care. I was in love with Narc. I am in love with Narc. More and more and more. So, why was I there? He also kept telling me how nice it was to see me in "daylight," how the sun was making my eyes a particularly beautiful brown. It was just words. I didn't feel pretty. I felt ugly. I felt uncomfortable. I felt high strung... tight. And like I was talking too fast with nothing at all to say.
After lunch the Stallion wanted to go for a walk. He put his arm around my waist and rubbed his hand up and down my back. We were walking up Second Avenue. He was telling me something about his fourth grade teacher and when he learned the word "inebriated." From there, he started telling me how he thinks he fried his brain out in San Diego.
"Too many drugs?" I asked.
"Too much partying in general... And laying around in the sun."
We walked up to a park on 15th and Second and sat down. The Stallion doesn't like pigeons. Neither do I. (Neither does NDN.) I was leaning up against him.
"Look at us!" he said. "Everybody is checking you out!"
Um... not really.
I still felt sex-smeared from Narc. But his comment made me think of Hammer and the Wizard. He always thought every man was madly in love with her. It would fuel his jealous rages.
The Stallion had to pee and I knew of a Starbucks on 15th and Third, so I suggested we go over there. While I was waiting for him, I hummed along with the radio. It was Soave sia il vento from Cosi fan tutte. When he came out, he put his arms around me from behind.
"I hear you singing, girl! I still have to hear you do your opera thing sometime."
I agreed.
We started to walk up Third. Conversation was still difficult. I told him I'm brainstorming what to do with myself this summer, but that I have to make some money.
"I know a thing or two you could do for money!" he smiled.
"Oh, do you?"
"Yeah... I can think of a few things you're good at." He winked at me.
"What? I should go into business?"
"I could pimp for you!" he laughed. "60-40's fair, right? 60 for me, 40 for you!"
I laughed with him, but it was a dishonest laugh. His joke pissed me off. I didn't take it as a sexual compliment, which is how (I guess?) it was intended. I thought it was disrespectful.
We were walking arm in arm and I pointed out that his stride was so long.
"It's your size!" I said.
Then he made some kind of off-putting sexual innuendo about how huge his dick is. I don't remember exactly how he said it.
Anyway, he stopped me on the street and started kissing me. I know it's kind of gross, but I kept thinking that Narc had come in my mouth that morning and that I hadn't brushed my teeth.
"I couldn't hold out any longer," the Stallion said, grabbing me around the waist. "I just had to do that. I had to see how long I could go without kissing you, and that's it."
I smiled and laughed and kissed back, but it felt wrong. It was a false self. I felt stiff. I didn't want him. I betrayed myself... compromised myself. I didn't feel good.
At around 29th street, we got on the uptown bus. He was telling me about his two kittens that he had rescued off the street. Some woman sitting near us turned around with some advice about where to get them spayed. I felt grimy and was ready for the date to end, but there we were on the bus heading towards my home. I was going to have to find a way out of his play for sex that was surely on the way.
In the meanwhile, I completely forgot about a scheduled hang-out with B! In lieu of our 24 nights, B offered a regular Tuesday/Thursday date at around 5:00 pm for a few hours. The problem for me is that I don't have fixed a schedule on those days and it's hard for me to remember to be home. I stood him up last week (I was with Narc) and yesterday I had to request pushing our meeting even later. But even though B was pissed at me, meeting him was a good excuse to get rid of the Stallion.
Back at my apartment there was a lot more kissing and I needed a more immediate way out.
"Wanna hear me sing?" I asked.
I sang him an aria and he said it was beautiful, but he looked uninterested. That loses major points with me. When he tried to get physical again, I teasingly pushed him away.
"You're the one who wanted to meet in the daylight and make this more of a 'friendship,' so we'll have to control ourselves," I said.
I want you to go home and I want to be back with Narc RIGHT NOW! is what I wanted to say.
Just then, B called.
"I'm at Padelson's but I'll be there in 20 minutes."
The Stallion took that as his cue to leave.
B and I only hung out for an hour or so. I told him about my new idea--to stop fighting myself for loving Narc. It's exhausting.
"And I need to stop being so insecure about him, you know?" I went on. "It's a limited relationship, yes. But it's not going away. All of that anxiety I had on Wednesday before going to Cheers-- it was fear and frustration. All I need to do is negate the self and eliminate desire and longing!"
We both had a good laugh at that.
When he headed out, I had to regroup. I sent Narc a dorky text (based on the naturlich principle!): I had a fun morning with you. :)
Now what? An hour and a half until Double-T. Top priority had to go to showering and brushing teeth. GO! There wasn't much time to spare, but I managed to get fresh and gorgeous for the date, watch a recorded episode of Wife Swap and talk to Shorty for a few minutes on the phone.
ROUND 3:
I had asked Double-T to come to my neighborhood and told him that dinner would be my treat. (He's paid for a lot so far, so I thought it would be nice to get him back). We planned to meet at East where it was Thursday night-Salmon night again. On my way there, I got a text from Narc!
Going to see "V for Vendetta" at 10 if you want to come!
I wrote back immediately:
Oh! Would love to, but I have plans. :( Grrr. Let me know how it is. Call or text later...
As I was walking to the restaurant and fiddling with my cell phone, I saw the long shadow of a man behind me on the street. As a street-smart girl, I turned to assess the lurker and saw that it was TT!
"Hey, what's up?" I said casually.
"No kiss?" he asked.
Oh yeah... I forgot I was supposed to be in "date-mode."
I stopped and let him kiss me. He tried way too much tongue for that early in the night. Yuck. I was too sober for that. I felt detached from him. I just really don't feel chemistry with this guy, and it's so hard to let myself be touched and kissed that way.
We headed into the restaurant. He looked skeptical. He said that he's wary about sushi. Who doesn't eat sushi these days! I pointed out that there were a lot of other things on the menu. Still, I got the impression that he was not happy with the restaurant.
"We can go somewhere else, if you want..." I offered.
"No. It'll be okay."
I was unimpressed with his fussiness. Oh, he also asked for a fork instead of chopsticks. If you live in New York City, you need to cultivate some minimal chopstick skills to be socially acceptable!
Conversation was "okay" over dinner. I was interested in what he had to say about the funeral he had just been to, his time in film school, how he got into broadcasting and television stuff, etc. But I felt like when I was talking he looked bored.
Bored?!?!
That's unacceptable to me. I'm a firecracker and if he wasn't interested, it's another sign of bad chemistry. Then again, maybe he was just tired or run down. My food was good, though, and I ate heartily.
Off to Cheers to cap the night.
Once we were back on the street, he stopped me to kiss again. All I saw was that dreamy-eyed "about to kiss" face coming towards me (the one Hammer does such a brilliant impression of!) and I braced myself for it. I let myself kiss and be kissed, but I again felt compromised and dishonest. Damn sobriety!
Outside of Cheers there was a lot of action-- everyone setting up for the big St. Patty's Day. BarMan is hosting karaoke today starting at 3:00 pm and going til closing! Damn!
TT and I took a seat not far from the "stage" and he bought us drinks. There were some older ladies from Scotland singing "Lipstick on your Collar." It was hard to talk with the noise, but back in my element with some alcohol in me I started to feel good. TT was fading into the background.
Just then, who walked into the bar? JFig! She was with her mom and boyfriend ("the man responsible for ending my marriage," as she put it to me). I gave TT the heads up on her.
"I know that woman, and she's a little crazy," I said. "I'm just warning you. And she's gonna come over here for sure."
Sure enough, she did. She was wacked out-- drunk or high or both, and incoherent. We made our introductions.
She started dancing wildly, shaking her ass and trying to pole dance, swinging her legs in the air. Cheers is an Irish PUB, people! And this woman is in her 40's AND her mother was there!
I tried to tell TT the story of how I met her and he looked at me strangely.
"No, seriously!" I said. "I thought I was crazy and had substance issues until I met her!"
(Maybe that's not such a slick thing to tell a guy on a date, but I don't care. I really don't.)
Anyway, JFig was putting on quite a floor show. I got up to sing "Heaven is a Place on Earth" and kicked some ass on it. Afterwards, JFig grabbed my arm in front of the table with the Scottish ladies.
"I know her! I know her!" she said, pointing at me with glee. "She's my friend! Isn't she greeeeaaat!"
It was weird.
Another guy came up to me-- a really big guy named Dave.
"You're a teacher, right?"
"Yeah! Good memory!"
"How could I forget you, dear? You're absolutely unforgettable!!!"
After that, he sat at the bar and kept staring at me, trying to look smoldering. I tried to ignore him and focus on TT. It was flattering, though.
JFig was starting to irritate ThursdayGirl with her antics, and JFig's mom pointed out as much. So JFig ran across the street and bought a bouquet of roses and started handing the roses out to various people in the bar, including two for me.
"Hyde! Hyde! Over here." I looked up to see who was calling my name. It was Manwich-- another regular. TT was in the restroom, so I went over to say hello.
"My friend wants to meet you," he said, introducing me to his friend, P.
I extended my hand.
"My friend here is a singer too!" Manwich said.
"Oh, really? What part do you sing?"
"Tenor."
(I later heard him sing. He's not a singer.)
Manwich's friend P told me that he likes Gilbert and Sullivan.
"I used to be in a Gilbert and Sullivan troupe," I said. "I played Katisha. Back in my mezzo days! You should try out to sing with them. It's a lot of fun."
I told him I'd give him a call with the information. But TT had just returned from the restroom. I walked back over to our table.
"That wasn't what it looked like," I laughed.
"Oh, so you're not getting another guy's phone number?"
"He's a friend of a friend, and it's about a theater group," I explained.
"Oh, alright..."
"No, really, TT! I wouldn't do that! I'm not an awful person!"
"I know."
He smiled, but there was lingering tension. So I took his hand and got a little more PDA with him to prove my point. Who cares if the big smoldering guy was watching.
Nothing much happened until TT's next bathroom break when the big smoldering guy approached.
"You look nice," he said.
I was tipsy.
"Thanks!"
"Real nice."
"Thanks!"
"So, what are you singing next?"
"I don't know..."
"You should do 'Like a Prayer.' Most people can't really do it justice, but I know you could."
"Hmm... that's an idea."
TT returned and smolderer slinked off. TT and I went back to some dull conversation, mostly about the songs that were playing or about various characters around the bar. And then I had to go to the bathroom.
Near the ladies room there's a coat rack. I saw a man and a woman rummaging through the coats.
"Looking for wallets?" I asked as I moved by.
"No! No!" the woman insisted. "We're going in our own coat pockets!"
"Seriously! We're not going through anyone's stuff!" the man said.
"I'm only kidding you guys! What, do you think I work security here?"
There was a line for the ladies room. The woman somehow left the scene and so I was left standing there with the man. We started talking. He told me that he used to be a singer, but that he ruined his voice with smoking.
"Is that really true?!? What did you sing?"
"Oh, I starred in musical theater and stuff in high school."
"Like what?"
"Little Shop of Horrors."
"Fabulous!"
We talked for a while more. I liked this character. His name is Jazz. I was pretty sure he was gay (I later found out I was right). He was quite a talker! Finally, the bathroom became free so we parted ways.
Back to TT. A little more chit-chat and awkward hand-holding. Finally, ThursdayGirl called my song. Hooray! I had so much fun singing "Like a Prayer." Usually I sing much slower music which can be emotionally moving, but rarely energizing. This time I had the crowd up and dancing. I really got to energize them! It was a different kind of rewarding experience. After that, TT was looking really tired and I knew I had to get up early the next morning, so I agreed when he wanted to go home.
I told TT that he could walk me up to my apartment, even though I knew it was a pig-sty. I don't know why, but I was really drunk at that point and feeling much less hesitant or awkward about the kisses. I was emotionally obliterated by the booze and to be honest, it was liberating. So, he came in. And we made out. (And yes-- I made him happy, but no intercourse. And my clothes stayed on--fully.). And then he went home.
Just before he did, my phone rang. Guess who it was? Guess who! Guess who! My stomach turned in excitement. Yes... it was Narc. I had to ignore the call because TT was still here, so he left a message:
Hey it's me. It's probably around midnight. I just got out of "V for Vendetta" and the verdict is very good! The Wachowskis are back on top after the fiasco that was the second two "Matrix" movies. Very political, very disturbing at some parts but very entertaining at others, and highly recommend it. So... Yup. Alright, you got your big day tomorrow so you're probably already asleep. On that note, now... But, uh... Give me a call when you can. Alright. Bye.
Yipee! I called back right away.
"I'm not asleep. But I am tipsy! Scrap that. I'm drunk." I said.
We chatted a while. I don't remember what was said.
"I do have my 'big day' tomorrow Narc, but I want to see you anyway. I'm coming down."
"Do you want any food?"
"Okay."
"What?"
"Just get me any... anything!"
And then I went back to Cheers. Why? Because Jekyll had truly turned into Hyde and I wanted to drink more/flirt more for another half hour before going to see Narc. I ended up talking to Manwich's friend P for what seemed like an eternity. (Manwich came up to me and told me that his friend "likes me." It was very fourth grade. I was NOT interested). Then I found Arachnid-- the bartender from the Overlook and my new friend Jazz and we talked for a really long time. I was telling him about all my dates that day.
"Oh my god! I want your life!" he exclaimed.
"No you don't," I laughed. "Believe me-- you really, really don't!"
I was trying to explain the Narc-concept to him and and all of its ensuant problems and so I started to tell him how Narc denies being in any kind of "relationship" with me. I used the example of what he said to that stranger when we were at Yaffa's in June-- "I met her a year ago, we had a couple of one night stands and I knocked her up."
"Wait! What? You didn't tell me that part! Is it true???" Jazz seemed giddy with my story.
"Oh yeah... Well, whatever. The point is, he won't give me anything to feel safe about!"
"I love you!" Jazz shouted, grabbing my shoulders. "I love this girl! You are so real!"
I didn't understand what he was getting so excited about.
"You have to come with me to transvestite B-I-N-G-O," he said.
"Yeah, sure... give me your number."
"Did you hear what I said? Trans-vest-ite B-I-N-G-O!"
"Yeah, I heard you..."
Jazz seemed both delighted and disappointed that the concept didn't phase me.
It was now 1:15 and I was really drunk. I sent Narc a text: Crazy traffic on 2nd. Will be there asap!
ROUND 4:
When I got to Narc's house, he had a sandwich from Subway waiting for me and a little bag of potato chips on the table. It was so sweet. I kept apologizing for being drunk.
"What were you up to today, anyway?" he asked.
"Ugh. Don't ask. I had two dates today."
Damn it! Why did I say that? Yep... I was drunk.
I wish I could tell you more about what followed, but the last leg of the night is lost in an alcoholic fog. I remember burning to tell Narc that I love him, but not wanting to upset him. So I tried to find different words.
"You do know how much I care about you, right?" I asked.
"Yes, Hyde... I know."
"No-- really... How very much! How deeply I care! Right?"
"Yes."
He pulled me close. He kissed my forehead sweetly. I don't remember anything else. But when I woke up this morning, I saw the condom wrapper on the floor. Damn it! I bet it was beautiful romantic sex too...
Narc woke up when the alarm went off for me this morning at 7:00.
"You've got to get up, Hyde... You don't want to miss your class!"
How sweet! He knew I would be hungover so he was looking out for me to make sure I got up!
So that brings us to today...
Boy, did I feel like shit this morning. And I'm croaking like a frog. Too much karaoke and Jack Daniels. And I'm not even fully recovered from last weekend's illness! I lingered in bed as long as I could with my arms around Narc. And then I got an egg sandwich and took the subway to work. I felt like such a "commuter." Like a regular person. I managed to teach and survive my day.
Even so, I was worried that I had made a bad impression on Narc, somehow... That I shouldn't have shown up there drunk, or shouldn't have mentioned the dates, or shouldn't have behaved so affectionately. The thoughts were rolling in my head... the wheels turning. So I sent him a text in between my classes to gauge his response.
One down and one to go. Growl... I want to be eating soda bread and drinking green beer!
He wrote me back a few hours later:
Just woke up an hour ago!
Phew! He wrote back! So everything is normal and under control. (Sort of... as if my "normal" is ever "under control.") Breathe, Hyde! Breathe!
I wrote back: You well rested little bastard! Just got done! In my office blogging. Normally teach til 3:15 but they finished the exam early.
Narc: Whoohoo! Time for green beer!
Hyde: Exactly! Although I have to cross midtown w/ the parade crowds.
Anyway, I'm home now and exhausted by the telling of my tale, so I'll leave it at that with little analysis of the day's events. I'm starting to make too many typos. It's a sign to step away from the computer.
Happy St. Patty's and Happy Weekend everyone!
love,
hyde
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