Summer Loving (or Not...)

Another long one... I wanted to post this sooner (as in yesterday), but I've been having major computer problems. Let's hope I get all of that resolved in the next day or two.

THURSDAY:

This has been an interesting weekend. Interesting and exhausting! I guess it all began on Thursday night. I really needed some down-time at home early in the evening. After ordering in some Chinese takeout, I talked to Hammer on the phone. I had plans to meet my friend NV over at Cheers but ended up running late because of the phone call. (It was worth it though. She and the Wizard were having some drama and we hadn't caught up with each other in quite a while!) I finally got out of the house and over to Cheers by around 11:00 pm.

NV and I had a great time. We sang the duet Summer Lovin' from Grease. At the end of the song, when the guy sings "wonder what she's doing now," BarMan told NV to sing "wonder who she's doing now." I laughed and said "I don't even know anymore," although we all know that's not true.

Anyway, after a while NDN showed up with two of his friends. I insisted that one of them later sing the duet from Dirty Dancing with me. (I was in that kind of mood that night). At one point, NDN and his friends left to get food. I was up on stage singing some Belinda Carlisle song when I noticed my phone ringing. Of course, I couldn't answer it, as I was singing, but when I looked down at the screen to see who was calling, my heart jumped up into my throat-- it was Narc. Since I didn't answer, he left a message and as soon as I got through with my song, I went outside to hear it.

In his message Narc said that he wasn't far from Cheers. He wanted to know what I was up to. I called him back. (Why? Because I really wanted to. Guess I'm not "cured" yet).

"Hey Narc, it's me."

"Oh, hi," he said casually. "I'm already in a cab on my way back to Tribeca."

"Oh. Well, what were you doing around here?"

"Was at the train station. Believe it or not, I'm on my way home from a Lyle Lovett concert out on Long Island."

"Oh." I paused, unsure of what to say.

"So?" he waited. "What are you up to?"

"I don't know, Narc... I mean, wasn't I supposed to be 'taking my time?'"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... Like you said in your text on Tuesday-- I should take my time because I still haven't figured this all out and my head is fucked up from all of it, you know? I mean, I'm just still so emotional and stuff..."

(God damn it! Sometimes he makes me feel so inarticulate!)

"Oh. Well, if you're feeling all emotional and shit then we shouldn't see each other tonight," he replied.

Suddenly I felt desperate for him to stay on the phone with me.

"Wait! But, I don't know... I mean, you're right. But I don't know..."

"Well, I'm heading down to the Tavern," he said.

"I can't come down there. I'm hanging out with friends right now."

"Okay. Well, if you're with your friends, you should go back to them."

"Well, yeah."

"Maybe I'll give you a call and we can check in later," he offered.

"Um, well...yeah, okay."

We hung up.

I went back into Cheers, where I found NV waiting. Soon enough, NDN and his friends returned as well. I told them all about my brief exhange with Narc. Everyone agreed that I shouldn't call him again. We were all fairly drunk at that point. NDN told me to turn my phone over to him. I laughingly refused and put the phone inside my bra instead. Part of me just desperately wanted to see Narc.

Just after 1:00 am everyone (except for me) decided to head home. After all--they all had to get up for work the next day. I found a seat at the bar and ordered another drink. Before long, I noticed I had another missed call from Narc. Ever since the thing broke, it doesn't vibrate and I never hear it ring in the noisy bar! I went outside to hear what he had to say.

"Hyde, it's Narc. Give me a call back. Just found out a friend of mine died."

What??? Now I was concerned. I called him back right away.

"Narc, it's me. What's going on?"

"It's crazy," he said. "Remember my friend Sal? The bartender?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, he had a heart attack. He's dead."

(Sal is Narc's version of IrishBird or BarMan. He works at Narc's regular hangout--the place he's been going to for years).

"I just got here and they told me," he said. "It's totally depressing here. I can't stay. But I don't want to be alone tonight either."

"You can always come up here," I said.

"Really? But isn't Cheers closing soon?"

"I don't think so. Besides, if they do, we can always go over to Manchester."

"Cool. Then I'm on my way."

We hung up and I went back inside the bar. I finished my drink and told IrishBird that Narc was on his way up. She was upset.

"Oh, come on, Hyde!" she complained. "I don't want to see his face around here again. And you shouldn't see him either! Just don't do it!"

"Well, he's already coming," I answered. "And if that's how it's gonna be, I think you should just give me my check."

She handed me the check and I grabbed it from her hand. I was pissed off, and it was pretty clear. I guess she realized she really shouldn't be telling me who I can and can't bring into the bar because she backed off.

"You don't have to leave," she said, taking the check back.

"No, really, it's okay," I said. "I want to go. Just give me the check back."

I paid and left, calling Narc on my way out.

"Where are you?"

"One block north of Cheers," he replied.

"Stay there. I'll be right there."

When I got to Narc I gave him a big hug. He was kind of bewildered. No one remotely close to him had ever died before.

"Why didn't we stay at Cheers?" he asked.

"'Cause I was trying to avoid someone there," I told him. (I just didn't want to tell him it's because all of my friends can't stand the idea of him!)

"Who?"

"Just someone... Someone from before you..."

"Whatever, I don't care," he said.

We walked over to Manchester and hung out there for a few hours. He was drinking doubles. I don't remember much of the conversation, as I was already pretty drunk myself. But I wasn't drunk enough to let everything go completely to hell. I asked where he was planning on sleeping--my place or his.

"I don't know. We'll see," he told me.

"Well, I don't know if it's such a good idea if you sleep with me," I said. "Remember--I'm still confused."

"I don't get it!" he exclaimed.

"Get what?"

"What you're so confused about! There's nothing confusing. I have been so clear and so consistent about us not being together."

"Clear and consistent?" I demanded. "Then why would you say that you love me? Why have you been telling me that you love me since October? What? Are you just a fucking liar?"

"No. Those weren't lies."

"Oh course they were."

"Hyde! You know that I love you!" he protested.

"Huh?"

"I DO love you. I HAVE loved you and I STILL love you," he said.

"Then why are you so insistent about us not being 'together?'"

"Because! It's just not a good idea. We're bad for each other. I've told you that before too."

"But how do you know that?"

"Look-- Don't you think I've thought long and hard about all of this?" he asked me.

"I guess so... And?"

"And? We're just BAD for each other. Hyde, you know that! If we were in a relationship we wouldn't do anything except hang out and drink. Maybe we'd do some drugs. And then we would just drink some more."

"I don't think so." I frowned. "That's not fair."

"I think it's true though," he said.

"Well, I don't."

In the end, though, what I have to accept is that my opinion here doesn't matter. He has made up his mind, and it's been made up since December. Suddenly, everything is completely clear to me. All of the times he's referred to me having some kind of "sickness," and what he said back in December about my life being "shit" all fits together. No matter how much he loves me, or what kind of energy there is between us, or how much he needs me, he has made some kind of "rational" decision that I'm not "relationship material." Now, no matter what has happened or how I behave, he's sticking to his guns. Everything that he's done is falling into place. It's not fair, but it finally makes sense.

FRIDAY:

The next thing I remember, it was 11:30 am and my phone was ringing. The answering machine went off before I could make sense of where I was, what time it was, or grab the receiver. It was Buke wondering if I would still be meeting him for lunch. Shit! I rolled off of Narc and grabbed the phone. I told Buke (who was mid-message) that I was hung-over and that I couldn't make it to lunch.

"Maybe we can get together after your meeting?" I suggested.

"Sure. I'll call you when I'm out."

(I hope he wasn't too annoyed!)

In the meanwhile, the ringing and conversation woke Narc up. He started to kiss me and we screwed around for an hour or so. He was being SO sweet-- kissing me and cradling me. I was so happy in the moment. (I can't help it that when I'm with him I'm in love, even though I hate all of this when we're apart). After a while, he went back to sleep and I got up to freshen up. I walked into the living room and it looked like a war zone. The dining room table was pushed to the other side of the room; one of the kitchen stools was overturned; clothes were strewn all across the room on the floor; bottles of liquor and an empty can of Red Bull were on the counter along with a half-filled ashtray. The bottom line--the room was trashed, and I don't remember ANY of it happening. Oh well! I straightened up a little, washed up and then climbed back into bed with Narc.

I fell back asleep for a bit before the phone rang again. This time it was my cell phone. I missed the call and went to check my voice mail. Before I could get to the new message, I had to pass through one message "marked for deletion." Of course, it was one of the million I have saved from Narc and he could hear himself through the receiver.

"You should erase that message already," he laughed. (After all, it was probably recorded three or four months ago by now.)

"No. I have them all saved," I said.

He didn't answer, but instead gave me a strange look. I didn't care. I wanted him to know how much all of this effects me.

We stayed in bed and had sex for a few more hours, finally getting up at around 3:30 in the afternoon. I called Buke back to find out what he was up to. As he was only a few blocks from my place, I told him to wait for me in my lobby. In the meanwhile, Narc and I got dressed and he looked up the address for the funeral home. Narc had cat-hair all over his pants because they had been left on the floor, and apparently my cat had made a bed of them. I couldn't find a lint brush, so I took a roll of scotch tape and spent 15 minutes cleaning them off for him. He wanted to drink a breakfast shake out of my fridge, but I told him they were all expired (along with almost everything else in my kitchen!). He drank it anyway, and it made me nervous.

Out in the hallway, waiting for the elevator, I felt really uncomfortable. There was a long and awkward silence. Finally, I spoke.

"I'm really sorry about your friend," I said.

As soon as I said it, I felt stupid. It was an odd thing to have said at that moment. Narc kind of laughed. It was a sort of half-laugh.

"Thanks, sweetheart," he said.

We didn't talk in the elevator because other people got in on the 16th floor. As we exited into the lobby, I saw Buke sitting in one of the oversized chairs. He had never seen Narc before, so he didn't realize that I wasn't alone.

"Hyde!" he called out.

I rushed over to give him a hug. Narc kept walking towards the door. He didn't skip a beat.

"I guess I'll see you," he said, as he went.

"Wait!" I turned and indicated for Narc to stay where he was while I finished hugging Buke. Then I went over and gave Narc a hug goodbye.

He laughed awkwardly. Then he left.

Buke and I headed up to a diner a few blocks North. It's literally been months since I've seen him or spoken to him, so it was kind of a strange encounter. We mostly talked about his most recent breakup. And of course--he was curious about Narc.

"That's him? THAT'S him?" he kept saying. "But he looks like such a nice guy!"

"What did you THINK he was going to look like?" I asked. "I mean, come on... He is a good person. It's not like I'm dating the devil!"

I thought it was strange that Buke thought he was going to exude "asshole-ness." Anyway, Buke was sweet and paid for my lunch. After that, we shared a cab across town. He was heading to Penn Station and I was going to meet Contessa near her firm's New York office.

Contessa and I settled in at a charming Italian/Portuguese restaurant for dinner. As I had just eaten lunch, I couldn't eat much. We had a great time though. We talked about her boyfriend and her overly involved parents for a while. Then we bonded over our shared frustration with Anxious. Contessa told me she's just about ready to "cut off" Anxious as a friend. I wish I could be that bold about people who make me feel shitty. It was cool to be able to mutually blow off steam that way though. Contessa told me to try to think about Narc the way she's been thinking about Anxious--if he's not making me feel good about myself, I shouldn't be wasting my time with him. I'm trying to hold on to that, but I still feel so conflicted.

When I got back from dinner, I just needed to relax. I called Sunshine and we talked for a while, which was really nice, especially as she's not continuing her blog right now. After that I went over to see NDN. By that time, I was actually getting hungry again and NDN fed me a pepper steak and some vegetables. I updated him on everything that had happened with Narc. By midnight I was exhausted and dropped off to bed.

SATURDAY:

The next morning I had to wake up early to meet NiS and his friends for a trip to Jones Beach in celebration of NiS's birthday. I left the house at around 9:00 am and went to the supermarket to buy sunscreen, soda, chips and beer. Then I met NDN and we headed to Penn Station together. Getting there proved to be slightly chaotic, as we couldn't find NiS at the train station, and it was nearly time for the train to depart. To make matters worse, I didn't have cellular reception in the station. Finally, we bumped into NiS randomly in the crowd and raced to the platform along with his girlfriend and his friend Rebecca.

Making matters even worse, once on the train, I couldn't find the ticket I had purchased in advance. I had to do a little "smooth talking" (a la NDN) to get out of paying for the ticket again. Hammer called and I talked to her for a little while on the train, filling her in on the most recent chapter of the Narc story. An hour later, we had arrived in Freeport.

NiS's friend Josh was supposed to come pick us up at the train station, but again, there was some wrinkle in the plans. After waiting 20 minutes, it was confirmed that no one was coming to get us. No matter. We got on the public bus and were able to use our city metrocards to pay. It was a perfect day for the beach-- sunny, but breezy and so nice to be out by the water!

We finally met up with Josh who had been reserving a grill and had a 16 pound of a bluefish (caught by his friend). Lighting the barbeque proved to be difficult, but once it was done, the bluefish and grilled vegetables were delicious. NDN had brought along a bottle of gin which no one else seemed to be drinking except for me. By 6:00 that evening, I had polished the entire bottle off along with a few beers. Oops!

After lunch we moved from the BBQ area down onto the beach. There I was embarassed by talking too loudly to NDN about some insane porn video Buke had described to me the previous afternoon. I was overheard by some of NiS's other guests and I'm sure they all got the strangest impression of me. (And they certainly think I have no shame!) By mid-afternoon I was pretty drunk off the gin and I decided I wanted to run into the sea. I was wearing jean capris, but dashed into the water anyway. It was beautiful and I had a great time. Making things even better, GoldenFinch appeared! She arrived while I was in the bathroom (the walk there, might I add, felt like 40 years of crossing the desert!). Her husband came too, and I was glad to see both of them!

We all stayed at the beach until dark, so it must have been after 8:00 when we left. NiS's girlfriend made a yummy birthday cake which we all enjoyed before piling into cars back to the train station. GoldenFinch and her husband dropped off me and NDN. We didn't get back to our place until at least 10:30 or so though, and I had a headache, as all of the alcohol had completely worn off and left me with a bit of a same-day-hang-over.

Before doing anything else, I had to stop by Cheers to leave a birthday present for ThursdayGirl (it was also her birthday on Saturday) and then I came back home to shower and change. Dan had invited me to a party at his friend's place in Brooklyn, but I was feeling really exhausted. I asked NDN if he wanted to come to Brooklyn with me, and he drank two cans of Red Bull in preparation. At that point, he had a lot more energy than I did. While I verged on telling Dan I couldn't make it, NDN convinced me to stick to the original plan. In the end, I mustered up all of my remaining energy and set off for Brooklyn just after midnight.

When we got there, we could hear the party going on from the street, and the front door was wide open. We walked in and up a flight of stairs to the second floor of a townhouse. There were a few people in the kitchen and another handful of people dancing in the living room. I scanned the crowd for Dan but didn't see him. I wasn't even sure we were in the right place.

"Do you know Dan?" I asked the guy standing nearest to me.

"No, I don't know any Dan," he replied.

I turned to consult with NDN. Neither of us could tell if we were at the right party. I asked a few more people, and finally one dancing girl said that she knew Dan and that we were, indeed, at the right party. I couldn't figure out where he was though. I sent him a text that we had arrived, but I didn't hear back from him right away. Without much else to do, and not knowing anyone there, we decided to head back home.

Leaving the party, out on the stoop, we passed two guys smoking cigarettes.

"If either of you knows Dan, could you just tell him that Hyde was here?" I asked.

They suggested we try the roof. At that very moment, I got a return text from Dan. Indeed, he was on the roof.

The roof setup is typical of NY brownstones--the type you have to climb up a ladder to get to. I tore my jeans on the way up, and was pretty aggravated. (They're one of my favorite pair!) Anyway, at least we finally found Dan!

Dan introduced me around to a bunch of his friends. It was very cool to get to meet them and they all seemed like really nice people. I'm only sorry that I didn't have more energy and wasn't in a crazy festive mood. (Maybe next time!) We hung out on the roof for a while, but I found it a little dizzying. Later we headed back down into the kitchen to get drinks. Dan's friend Mike gave me a copy of his demo CD, and while I haven't finished listening to the whole thing, it has a very cool sound. I'm impressed. I started to get really tired by around 2:30 am and knew I had to get up early the next day, so I had to cut out of the party before I really wanted to. Back at home, I fell asleep almost immediately. (I guess with the whole day spent at the beach, the sun really "sapped my strength!")

SUNDAY:

On Sunday morning, BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up at around 9:30 am to head out to Long Island. I hadn't seen my stepbrother in about two weeks, so I was anxious to see him again. When I got there, BigSis' in-laws, along with LilSis and JBC were already there, and my brother was sitting next to LilSis on the couch! It's the first time I've seen him out of his bed or wheelchair. He was talking a little more than usual (mostly just saying "yes" and "no") but he was really groggy. (I think it's from a new medication). He did say all of our names, though, and it was great to hear him say my name! Later, he actually partially walked 10 feet from his bed to the wheelchair! It's the first time I've seen him upright! I forgot how tall he is. The nurses held him on either side and said "move your foot!" and he would move the left foot a step forward. The right foot is on the partially paralyzed side, so they sort of pushed that leg and he dragged it forward. (They think he's going to be able to get movement back there, it's just really hard for his brain to do right now). Anyway, he was so proud of himself and gave all of us hugs while he was standing upright. It was an incredible moment!

After that, we left the hospital and headed over to my mom's house to sit by the pool and grill some food. While everyone was outside, I took advantage of the opportunity and sang and played piano up in the house. (Since the piano is in the middle of the house, usually I piss everyone off when I play or sing too loudly!) My mom has the piano in a really resonant place now and it's amazing to sing there. I don't have a lot of sheet music at her place anymore, but I did find the full scores to Boheme and Rigoletto, so I sang a lot from those. Later I joined everyone outside. My sister's niece and nephew were there too. They are SO adorable and always make me happy. JBC had a few friends come by as well. His friends are strange, but that's another story for another day.

One of the best parts of the day--my stepfather was actually in a good mood! Ever since the accident, he's been either a zombie or a grouch. But he was happy yesterday! He has a fantasy of building a waterfall to lead into the pool and was happily working on it all afternoon. Later, he enthusiastically showed me around the garden. He has some amazing things growing--peaches, plums, pears, zucchini, cucumber, tomatoes, lettuce, walnuts, and more. He's so proud of that garden. I LOVED seeing him happy and full of life like that again.

BigSis, Bro-in-Law and I headed back to the city at around 8:30. By the time I got home I was entirely exhausted from the long weekend. I fiddled around with my fucked up computer for a while and then went to bed. (Damn it! The computer is running SO slow!)

TODAY:

Today I met B for lunch up near Hunter. Then I headed over to a voice lesson. My voice teacher "doesn't believe" in air conditioning, so the lesson was slightly torture. But again, my voice was really strong and resonant, and my teacher gave me a lot of praise. All of that is going amazingly well considering all of the shit I put my body through. When I got home I watched Dr. Phil and then took my dress over to the tailor. I'm going to be a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding out in San Francisco in two weeks and I'm really cutting it close with the fitting. They said I should have the dress back by Friday though.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I feel like I'm so busy that this blog is becoming all "events" and very little reflection. But maybe it's better that way for the time being. After all, I don't want to dwell too much on overanalyzing Narc, and I just have some more waiting to do before I can "fall out of love" with him.

I hope the heat lets up (I hate the summer!) and I hope I can get my computer fixed soon.

Hope you're all well!

Until next time...