Plus ca change...

I'm still working on that year in review post. I know, I know...

The bulk of the week was consumed with post-Christmas digestion and a shitload of grading. I graded myself into a state of oblivion until I finally got the grades posted by about 2:00 am Thursday night/Friday morning. When I was finished, I sent Narc a text lauding my achievement.

Out with screenwriter friend, he wrote back. Will call soon.

Hmm... I started to think devious thoughts. I miss drunk-Narc. But he's not supposed to be drinking, so I shouldn't be happy when I know he's out. See what a selfish and greedy girl I am!

I got into bed and dozed off with the phone in my hand. It rang at around 3:00 am.

"I'm in Union Square, Hyde. And I'm coming to you."

"Okay. I'll be waiting."

When he got here, he stood in the light of my Christmas tree and put his arms around me.

"I love this tree," he said. "It could only have been made by an angel."

"You really love it?" I beamed.

"I do."

When he went to the bathroom, Mr. Rochester was sitting up on the sink.

"I love you, Rochie, but you've got to go," he said, tossing Rochester to the floor.

My poor sweet Roch nearly did a backflip in the air. Narc was drunk. I moved to see if the cat was okay.

"Awww... Rochie's alright," he laughed. "He's just not used to having a man in the house."

I thought that was a strange thing for him to say.

When he got out of the bathroom, he took a seat on my kitchen stool, as he is prone to do, while I poured him a drink-- coke (minus the jack).

"You should really keep some booze on hand for your guests," he said. "I forgot you wouldn't have any."

"No, I really can't," I laughed. "I guess I've got a byob policy here."

We chatted a while about mostly nothing. He was wearing a pink shirt.

"That's the shirt you had on the night you went to that Vassar party ," I said.

"I live in the present. You live in the past," he winked.

"You live in the present? Really?"

"Yes. I don't remember every detail of the past the way you do. It's unimportant."

"If I don't remember the details, I won't believe that it really happened," I answered.

"Take off your clothes, Hyde."

"What?"

I shuffled awkwardly to pour myself some more soda.

"You heard me," he looked at me calmly and plainly. "Take off your clothes. Right now."

"Okay."

So, I did. But I was still partially concealed by the counter between us.

"Everything!" he demanded.

"I did everything!" I insisted.

"Okay."

And then we continued to talk, only I was nervous. I leaned over the counter so that I wouldn't be quite so exposed. But who am I kidding? I love that he makes me nervous.

"Come over here," he said.

I embraced him from behind. He unzipped his pants. And then... Well, again-- not that kind of blog, right?

The only thing I want to say-- later we were in my bed and he was inside of me and he stopped everything and tried to quiet me.

"Shh... Shh..." He kept saying, stroking my hair back from my forehead. He was hovering above me, staring straight down into my eyes.

"I love you," he whispered.

I didn't say anything. My heart was trembling, though. I didn't want to tell him that I love him. I'm not sure how I feel anymore and I know that it's not good for me to let myself get lost in that.

"I love you," he repeated.

I just stared up at him. I inhaled sharply and could feel my eyes welling up.

"Shh..." he said again, trying to comfort me. "I love you, Hyde. And I need you to understand that. Do you understand that?"

I nodded weakly.

"Do you UNDERSTAND that, Hyde?" he demanded.

"I do. I understand. And I love you too."

It was all over for me after that. And I"m not even sure whether or not I was lying.

Anyway, the next day we loafed around at my place and the day after that we loafed around at his place. More on all of that later...

This evening, I went to a 90 day celebration for a friend of mine and then to a sorely needed AA meeting-- the first meeting I've been to in over a week. Oh-- and Narc's mom called me. Yeah. Isn't that nuts?

I have a lot to catch you all up on, but I'm tired. So, that's enough for now.

If I don't post again, before the New Year, HAPPY NEW YEAR! And thanks for all being there for me in '06. It's been quite a ride, n'est pas?

Well, you know what they say... Plus ca change...

love,
h

PS: Hammer's man-- the NorthWesterner-- has officially had a name change. He will hereby be known as "the Alaskan."

In a Paper Dungeon

I'm stuck in a dungeon of paper... grading, grading, grading! I'm about 2/3 of the way through. I spent the entire afternoon today at the Tea Spot and downed about four pots of tea, total.

Yesterday I texted Narc to ask him whether or not he wanted to go see "Perfume" today. He said "no," and that he was going to see it on Friday.

"So, wanna go together on Friday?" I asked.

"Will see," he wrote back.

Today, as I was leaving the Tea Spot and heading to therapy, I got a text from him--

Just got out of "Perfume." Ended up going today, after all, last minute. My review-- mediocre at best.

That hurt my feelings. So, I wrote back--

Why'd you go without me? :(

Not that I had any inkling that he'd do otherwise... But I'm supposed to be practicing expressing my feelings.

In other news, my cell phone is busted and I'm waiting for a replacement phone which I won't have until Friday, so I'm stuck being incommunicado. It makes me very anxious to be without text messaging.

I had coffee this morning with Hammer and the NorthWesterner. The NorthWesterner recommended that I watch HBO's Rome. Hammer told me that he likes to check my blog, so I mostly put this post up here for him. I'm still working on my "year in review," but can't do it until the paper dungeon has collapsed and my grades are turned in.

As for Christmas? It was great. The only sad part is that my stepsister is very obviously bulimic. My mom's sister is a neurotic. And all of the Italians got wasted on homemade wine. Oh-- the other funny part of Christmas Eve? JBC got there late (dinner was at my cousin's place) and he walked into the wrong house. He roamed through the home next door before he was redirected.

I texted Brick "Merry Christmas" and he wrote back that my text "made his day." I miss him a lot, and I'm still very sad about all that. Maybe I'll be sad forever, but I guess I just have to accept that as a part of life.

Meema and I have decided to be prayer partners once a week. I wrote out a personal prayer and it's long, but it felt really good. I read it yesterday and today to myself and it helped. I'm not sure why.

Okay... that's it for now. I really need to get off the computer, get some dinner and get back to work.

lots of love,

h

Merry Christmas!

It's 2:38 am and officially Christmas Eve. I am still working on my "year in review" post, but I just wanted to write a quick "hello," as I will be too busy tomorrow and Monday to write and then will be scrambling to get my grading done by Wednesday.

I just got back in from an early evening at Cheers and then a stroll through midtown with the lovely Alecya G and her fellow travelers. It was really cool to get to meet her in person. Of course, more details will be forthcoming, but I just wanted to write something now to record the moment.

And of course, I wanted to wish you all happy holidays. This next year is going to be a good one... not perfect, but I expect things to finally move.

Somehow, everything seems strangely "ok"...

lots of love,

h

PS: I miss my neighbor!

Pre-Christmas, Take VIII

Today B and I had our eighth annual "pre-Christmas," "day of Friendship" celebration. Our tradition started in 1999-- our first holiday together as a "couple." B planned a "day of Romance" for me, including dinner at the Russian Tea Room and a horse and carriage ride through Central Park. (I think we also saw "Snow Falling on Cedars" that year.) Anyway, we repeated it for the subsequent two years of our relationship, adding events like going to see the tree at Rockefeller Center, finding a Christmas concert or two, etc. And then, when we broke up, we still kept the tradition, dubbing it, instead, our "day of Friendship." We also always exchange ornaments on that day. My third post ever on the Annals describes our sixth "day of Friendship." And today was the eighth!

I woke up this morning at Narc's. Well... let me backtrack a bit. Yesterday morning I gave the last of my final exams. I spent the afternoon reading The Winter Queen, a birthday gift from Bezoukhoff. It was a quick and entertaining read. Narc and I were texting a bit throughout the afternoon. Then, in the evening, I got a message from Brick.

R we still friends? he wrote.

I honestly don't know how to be your friend, I answered.

Brick: That makes me sad... but i understand...

Hyde: I am sad too, and hurting very much.

Brick: I love u my dear... just wasn't into your home group...

Hyde: This wasn't about my home group. But you can tell yourself that if you want.

And so, I suppose, that's the end of that. My heart is really broken over this. But even broken hearts heal. And there's nothing I can do to help him right now. I just have to try to make it through the holidays and stay strong.

In the meanwhile, it sent me into a deep depression last night. I wanted to go to Cheers. I put on my makeup and was seriously going to go. But, I guess it's true what they say about "a belly full of booze and a head full of AA." I kept hearing that line from Chapter 7 of the Big Book-- "our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there."

IF WE HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR BEING THERE.

Why was I going to Cheers? Because I was sad. I wanted to get out. O-U-U-U-U-T!!! I wanted to break something. I wanted to break myself. I wanted to MAKE Brick undo what he did... or at least care that he did it. I wanted to see Narc, but couldn't orchestrate it or make him take my calls. Because I felt powerless to help Brick and abandoned and betrayed and uncared for. Because Narc controls everything and is engaged to someone else. Because I wanted to go to the bar. I just wanted to go. I had no legitimate reason.

I sent Narc a text.

As for me-- restless. Popping over to Cheers. Sure it won't be satisfying though...

A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there...

Narc wrote back rather quickly:

Can come down here if you like. Bring book and cookies!!

(I had previously promised to bring Narc The Winter Queen and some cookies left over from my party.)

So, I passed on Cheers and, instead, went to Narc.

It was a fun night. He taught me how to play Zelda on his high def screen with his Nintendo Wii. It took me a little while to get used to the controls and the whole concept of the game (I am stuck in the original Super Mario Brothers era when it comes to video games) but I played for about two hours that flew by. Narc of course, was at my side helping me figure out what to do next. I think he liked teaching me. And I can definitely see how this stuff can become addictive.

That night in bed was strange. We both "went to sleep" without any ceremony or sexual contact, but neither of us was really asleep and there was a lot of tension. Then, it finally tipped and we started making out, but Narc didn't want to have actual intercourse. I kept thinking of what he said back in July of 2005--that he didn't think blow jobs "counted" as sex and that it's only intercourse that "makes me emotional." So, it bothered me that he wouldn't fuck me.

"I don't know if I'm up for it, in the shape that I'm in," he said.

It's true-- he had just recently been hospitalized and then had to go back to the ER after a difficult flight of stairs... I had no choice but to let it go. It was hard for me to sleep though. I kept worrying about it... about what it meant... About whether or not it meant that he didn't "count" me in yet another way because we hadn't had actual intercourse since before he went to the hospital... Wait... can that be true? I tried to go back over each and every incident in my head. Come to think of it, I've given him a hell of a lot of blow jobs, but we haven't had sex.

But, he tried to get you to come down there to fuck him two nights before your birthday when he called you drunk...

Yeah, but he was drunk, so he didn't know what he was saying...

Do you think he thinks he's been "faithful" to PopStarChick because he isn't having intercourse with you?!?

No! He can't rationalize doing "everything but" as being faithful...

I tried my best to quiet my mind, but I lay there for a long time in the dark being a moron and obsessing on this way more than I should have. And then, at last, sleep came.

In the morning, it was all put to rest because he fucked me and had a coughing fit afterwards and I felt bad. He was really out of breath.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah. I just need to rest for a few minutes," he said.

His face was red. Like I said-- I felt really bad. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed him.

(But there's my craziness again-- you DIDN'T push him, Hyde... You didn't pressure him or anything and it's not your fault he's sick.)

Ugh! Enough about all that. This was supposed to be a post about my pre-Christmas with B! I better get on with it...

Narc said that he would be spending the day alone "watching more Season 2 of 24." He said to call him later, and I understood that he may want me to come back that night.

So, I left Narc's place just before 11:00 and met B up at my apartment in time for lunch. We ate at a Chinese place on my block and then walked over to Hallmark so B could pick out an ornament for me (I got his a few weeks ago). B's nickname for me has always been "kuting" (or a variation on it) which means "kitten" in Tagalog and he got me a really cute ornament of a rascal kitten with her paws in a jar labeled "treats." I got him a carved wooden angel (that sort of looks like him) holding a rose-- a reference to something personal in our past...

We could have run around the city doing all of our Christmas-y things, but both of us just felt like relaxing. So we got some coffee from Dunkin Donuts and headed back to my place. We played piano and sang for a while and then B told me that his favorite tenor of the moment is Carreras. I asked him to "please explain." He played me Carreras singing Non piangere Liu. Go listen to it... It's got the darkness of Domingo but the ring of Pavarotti and the tears of Jon Vickers. Damn. 'Nuff said.

After that, we listened to huge chunks of the Karajan/Pavarotti/Freni Boheme. Then we watched Old Boy on DVD-- that kick ass Korean movie I saw in the theaters in Summer, '05. After that, I showered and changed while B read a magazine in my room and we listened to Les Mis and acted silly acting out the scenes and laughing at the parts we've always laughed at. It was such a nice day for me.

Before I had to head off to AA, we grabbed a quick dinner at the pizza place and then I went up to my meeting. During dinner Narc texted me and so I wrote back asking me if he wanted me to come back down there and he said no-- that he would be "writing." It hurt-- just a sting, but it still hurt. Whatever... I always set myself up for rejection with him...

I sat with Meema and Bartelby at the meeting and afterwards, the three of us went out for dinner once again to the California Pizza Kitchen. As I had already eaten with B, I didn't partake of any food. It was a nice dinner, though, and I felt close to both of them. I was able to have fun and put my sadness about Brick and my frustration with Narc out of my mind for the moment.

And now it is night time and I'm home.

Tomorrow, the Annals of Mr. Hyde will officially be two years old! I want to write a "year in review" post, but I don't know if I'll have the time to do it tomorrow. I may have to do in on Saturday and just cheat and back-date it a day... We'll see...

I hope you all have a good night!

Another year gone by... Wow.

love,

h

Listen up, Hyde!

You CAN'T get him a present... Not ANY present... especially not one that costs over $100. Put it out of your mind and get through the next week with your bank account in tact. Fight it off. You shouldn't even write a card.

YOU CAN'T GET HIM A PRESENT.

Sparkle

I'm sitting in the sparkle of my Christmas tree and feeling a little sad. I want someone else to be here to see it. So many people were at my house just two days ago, but it's still not enough. I feel like the tree is wasted on me when it's just me...

The other day, I made my bed-- something I rarely do. That night, I didn't want to sleep under the covers. I slept on top of them. I didn't want to mess up the bed.

Do I think that I don't deserve a made bed? Or that I'm not a worthy audience for my tree?

I don't know...

Hammer gave me an awesome birthday card-- it's a picture of Greta Garbo and John Gilbert from Flesh and the Devil (1926).

"This card suited you for some reason," she wrote.

I'm looking at the card right now.

This afternoon I went to my school to talk to a professor whose course I will be taking this Spring. It's a good thing. We talked a bit about the methodology of cultural history vs. the methodology of intellectual history. This morning I read a few chapters from a book about bridging the disciplines of history and musicology. I guess I'm starting to feel a bit more like "myself" again.

On Sunday my cell phone broke. It still works for calls, but I can't send or receive text messages and so I'm feeling a little more "powerless" and out of control than usual. It's crazy how addicted we can become to a little technology! I'm waiting for the insurance company to send me a relplacement phone in the mail.

As "text" is my primary method of communication with Narc, I haven't heard from him since Saturday when he called me right before my party.

"Are you coming tonight?" I asked.

"I don't think I'm up for it," he said. "I'm still not feeling great, and yesterday was the most stressful day ever!"

"Why? What happened?"

"I tried to go to the movies, but I got all constricted, like I was having some kind of panic attack," he explained. "But the doctors don't think that's a side effect from the medicine, and so no one knows what's going on."

"That's awful!"

"To make matters worse, my mom thinks I should declare bankrupcy to deal with the hospital bills, but that's going to ruin my credit. I was on the phone fighting with her all day and then on the phone with PopStarChick fighting with her all day."

So, there's trouble in paradise?

"I'm sorry you're under so much stress, Narc," I said. "Of course, don't worry about my party. As long as you come up here and see my tree at some point."

"Definitely. I just don't think I can handle putting on a smile and acting cheerful and being all--'How do you know Hyde?' "How do you know Hyde?' You know what I mean?"

"Sure. I just hope you feel better. And come up here before New Year's, okay?"

"Okay, I promise."

(I doubt that he will, but that's alright...)

Anyway, the party was a complete success. I've never seen so much food in my apartment before. I have enough left over to get me to the new year! It was an interesting crowd-- My graduate school friends, such as Hammer and Bezoukhoff (Hammer came with her fiancee which I was very happy about. He is very sweet and a beautiful singer. I'll leave it to Hammer to name him for the blogs), then there were my college friends-- Contessa and her boyfriend, GoldenFinch, her husband and BabyBird, Anxious (but no BulgarianGuy), B and Drippy, etc. One woman came from the music management company where I worked my first job; a guy came with whom I used to do musical theater (he's now a professional opera singer). Then there was the AA crowd-- Meema and her husband, Leseco, Bartelby, Pilman, Slope, Cherubino and WoodsMan. Some of those people I've mentioned before. Some, I haven't. But I'm sure they'll all make future appearances here. And then, there was my family-- BigSis and Bro-in-Law, LilSis and JBC and my mom. And of course, BigSis' friend, English. Oh-- and my friend, NV. I'm sure I left a slew of people out, but I just can't think of everyone right now.

We sang a lot and Bezoukhoff and my mom read some poems. At one point, IrishBird stopped by the building lobby to drop off flowers for me. It was sweet. And I think everyone had a great time. The party started at 6:00 and lasted until after midnight-- a much more humane time for it to end, as I had an opportunity to clean up and hit the sheets before 2:00. And I talked to Liu on the phone for about an hour before bed.

There's a lot more I could say about the party, but I hate overthinking events like that-- the spirit of it is impossible to capture here. Suffice it to say, the room was full of warmth and love and all of the interesting, quirky personalities with which I've populated my life. With the exception of Brick's absence (from which I'm still smarting), I couldn't have asked for anything more.

My texts were still working the next morning when Brick and I arranged to exchange back the things we had loaned out to each other other. I still can't believe how all of this turned out with him, although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. The very first day I met him, he said that he was "selfish." It's my fault for not listening. But that doesn't help it to hurt any less.

Anyway, this morning I gave the first of three final exams. I'll be relieved when the semester is over.

I'm feeling sad, though-- a sadness that seems unrelated to everything happening around me. I want to sleep next to Narc tonight, but he's grumpy and so I doubt he'll call.

It's strange to be in my building without NDN here. There's something comforting in that he lives here, no matter how many times I get on him for his "antics." The building feels "colder" without him.

I guess that's it for now. I still really want to finish my story about Narc's neighbor, the Sorceress, and that crazy week that he spent in the hospital, but that will have to wait for another time.

until then...

h

PS: Here's a picture of the top of my tree and the Chrysler Building out the window... yay.

What are the odds?

I just got off the phone with a classmate who didn't make it to my party last night. I haven't seen him in quite some time.

"How are you, Hyde?" he asked.

"I'm pretty good. How are you?"

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"You must be pretty hung over right about now!" he chuckled.

"I'm not drinking anymore!"

I explained to him that I'm now sober.

"So, I guess that increases my odds!" he laughed.

"Your odds? What are you talking about?"

"Don't you remember?" he asked. "We all placed bets-- You were either going to have published some brilliant book or be dead by 35. We took bets on which way it would tip."

"Well, I'm glad you bet on the book..."

Yes, I'm glad that I'm no longer giving my classmates reason to pity my life as one of wasted potential culminating in death before 40.

Hmm...

I need to stop crying about Brick. Yes, he hurt me. Yes, it hurts like hell. (And probably will for a while). But, my life is my own. And, I have some books to write...

-h-

I don't get it...

The party was a complete success last night. Everyone had a wonderful time, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

The only thorn? Brick didn't show up. He texted me earlier in the afternoon to say that he was uncomfortable coming. I told him that I would be really hurt if he didn't show... I needed him to be there for me. I wasn't going to give him permission to disregard my feelings. If that was what he planned to do, it was all on him. He told me that he'd call me later. He never did. He didn't come.

I tried to forget all about it during the party, but it was hard. I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up in tears this morning. I spoke to him for about one minute this afternoon. He asked for his iPod back from me.

"Is that all you're going to say?" I asked.

"I don't think I did anything wrong," he answered.

I am in so much pain over this that I feel sick. I don't know which emotion is more overwhelming-- disgust, pity or betrayal. They're all there in equal measures.

Why am I such a poor judge of character?

I am sad. I feel heartbroken.

-h-

The Echo Carol

I am persistently getting up to no good... I just can't leave well enough alone, can I?

What am I talking about this time? Well, I finally heard back from OldChoirMan. (If you recall, I wrote to him back in October.) Here's what he said:

Dear Hyde--

Thanks for your recent message. Unfortunately, we've had horrendous problems with our home system, and my reply was still in the damned thing, dated 1970. I was alerted to it by ---- who hadn't been getting my replies for the same reason, but anyway, here I am. Let's stick to this address for now.

Needless to say, I would love to talk to you, especially about your voice. Thanks for bringing me up to date on your life - sounds as if all is going really well. It's hard to believe that it's already ten years since your advent at CU. Actually, we're singing several things in concert this weekend that I think you know - Mozart, "Regina Coeli," some movements from the Bach "Magnificat," one "Elijah" chorus, and so on. I'm bringing a small group of 50 from --- over to the ----- church to sing with my men and some orchestra players. It was nice to have the ---- at one of these not too long ago. ----- still sings with me, and we did a recital recently.

Please give me a call and give me a phone number or two. I'm sure that this weekend is impossible for you, but let's figure out a time to get together. If you do want to sing, we're rehearsing on Saturday, 1-3pm.

Again, great to hear from you, sorry about the delay in getting back, and looking forward to being in touch.

OCM.

(Phone numbers left here) hitting # will get you past my lengthy message.

P.S. Mozart died 215 years ago Tuesday - we're doing the Requiem in April.

I didn't write back for over a week because I have some really confused feelings about all of this (even if I DID initiate the contact...). I never told this story here in full, and I still don't think I can. Suffice it to say, I was really emotionally fucked up by all of this from age 18 to 21. Anyway, I finally wrote back this morning. Here's what I said--

Hi OldChoirMan,

I'm glad to hear back from you! I'd love to come out and sing sometime... (Especially if you're doing the Requiem in April! You'll have to let me know the dates...)

I'm sorry that I couldn't make it last weekend. Obviously, December is a crazy month and I have my hands full between holiday parties, grading final exams, writing papers and attending concerts, but things quiet down considerably in January. Perhaps we can figure something out for then...

I will give you a call. Or, if you want to get in touch with me, here are my numbers:

Home: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Cell: xxx-xxx-xxxx

In any event, enjoy the holidays with your family. I'll think of you (as always) while caroling this year... (StriKKKE the harp!)

Best wishes,
Hyde

I'm feeling delerious. Maybe it's all the chlorox I inhaled while cleaning the bathroom this morning. Anyway... I better get back to putting my house in order before tonight...

-h-

Scrooge

The tree is up, despite having fallen on me twice. I am so fucking stubborn. I lifted and screwed in an enormous tree single-handedly. It's a gorgeous tree and I did a beautiful job decorating it. I also FINALLY got my new dining table delivered. It's so pretty. It changed the whole look of the apartment.

So...why can't I wipe this scowl off my face?

Tonight NDN leaves for Asia. He's going with RDN. He'll be back after the New Year . Wow... has it really been a year since our Argentina trip? I guess it seems like that was a long time ago...

Last year on December 15th KHill peed on my hand. Remember? Shortly thereafter, Narc discovered my blog and I had to change the address. Remember?

I just did the grocery shopping for my party tomorrow. Last year I did that with Narc. Remember?

Ugh!

I'm really depressed. I don't know why, but I'm so depressed, I want to vomit. I felt like I could barely tolerate the general public and I wanted to hit some people. I hate people. I feel sick. Sick, sick, sick...

Brick told me that he had a glass of wine at his office Christmas dinner. Good for him...

I'm so mad at him, I can't breathe, but I can't tell him that. There's no point. I feel betrayed by him.

Hate, hate, hate... I hate everyone right now. I don't want to have my party tomorrow.

I'm a scrooge.

-h-

Suicidal Boys and Birthdays

First of all-- Today is St. Lucy's day and I love her.

Second of all-- I need to stop loving suicidal men. Do you guys remember what happened the night before my birthday last year? In case you forgot, here's an excerpt from my December 11, 2005 evening with Narc:

Later we went back to his place and he told me that he is suicidal. He told me he is going to throw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge and that he already brought himself to the brink once. I started to cry. He told me to quit my hysterics...

..."It's going to happen," he said. "It's only a matter of when. You'll never know when it's coming..."

I became hysterical. I buried my head in the couch. My makeup ran everywhere. I couldn't breathe. He just looked at me with disdain...

This year, as I was leaving my office the afternoon of December 11th, I got a call from the Sorceress (Narc's neighbor, for those of you who may not be all caught up.)

"Have you spoken to Narc lately?" she asked me in near hysterics.

"Yeah, I spoke to him last night... Why?"

"Because I just got a call from his mother. She's looking for him. She's been calling him all morning and he's not answering. I tried pounding on his door and he's not answering. What if he's there collapsed in his apartment? How was he last night?"

"I'm sure he's fine," I tried to reassure her. "He's probably just asleep."

"He'd sleep through all of that knocking?!?"

"Yes, I'm sure of it. He sleeps like a rock. He was wasted last night, so I'm sure he just passed out cold."

"Wasted? What does that mean?"

"That he was really drunk..."

"What?!?!? WHAT?!?!?" She was shouting at me through the phone. "He's been drinking?!?!? And you allow this? Have you been drinking with him? Did you talk to him about this? He's not supposed to be drinking in his condition!"

"Yeah, I know," I sighed. "But there's not much I can do about it. I mean, he knows I'm worried about him. But I don't drink with him. And I can't talk to him about it. He's just going to be mean to me."

"You need to get down there and get into that apartment today!" she told me. "He could be dead. And we don't need that blood on our hands."

"I don't have a key," I protested. "And besides, I'm sure he's alright. He'll be up by 2:00 or 3:00."

Anyway, the conversation went on for a while longer. I finally got in touch with Narc by mid-afternoon.

"Narc, you have to call your neighbor off," I told him. "I can't be in the middle. I don't want to be butting into your personal life like that."

He agreed. Then I ventured further.

"And you should probably be careful with the drinking... You don't want to really mess yourself up. I mean-- I don't want to interfere, but I'm worried about you, you know?"

"It's out of my hands, Hyde," he laughed. "There's not much I can do about it either."

His voice was low and hoarse.

"What do you mean?"

"If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die," he answered flatly.

"Narc!" I couldn't believe my ears. "Some things are out of your control, sure... But some things you can change..."

"I'm not going to live my life without a martini," he said. "I'd much rather die than live the kind of life where I can't have a martini with my friends."

"I don't know what to say to that," I answered. "But I'm worried about you."

Suicidal-Narc. I was sad.

Later in the day, I spoke to Brick. He told me that he wasn't going to a meeting.

"Did you go to one yesterday?" I asked.

"No," he laughed.

"What about on Saturday?"

"Nope."

"What are you doing, Brick? Seriously..."

"I don't know," he began. "I just don't know if this is for me anymore."

I was really upset.

"I can't talk to you about this right now," I cut in. "I'll give you a call later, okay?"

"Do you want to hang out later?" he asked me.

"I can't. I'm going to Narc's."

That evening, I set off for Narc's apartment. I got there early-- around 8:00 pm.

(I know what you all must be thinking given the previous night's conversation, but there it is...)

"What are you up to?" I asked Narc as he greeted me at the door.

"Not much... Just taking a little nap."

He wandered back into the bedroom. I followed him, collapsing onto the bed and propping myself up on my elbows.

"So... what do you want to do?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he said, pulling me onto his chest.

We just lay there, not saying anything until his erection was big enough that it prompted my attention and I gave him a blow job. I hate how Narc still tries to be so "covert" about these things and pretend that he wanted to go into the bedroom because he was napping. Not me...

"So... Now what do you want to do?" I asked when I had finished.

He laughed.

We moved into the living room to eat cheap Mexican food and play some board game-- Scene It. Narc was very competitive, so I was glad for him that he won both rounds.

Then, Brick called me. Our conversation basically picked up where it had left off earlier.

"I'm not so sure that AA is for me anymore," he said.

I was getting increasingly agitated.

"Hold on," I told him. "Let me go into the other room."

I moved into Narc's bedroom.

"What is wrong with you?" I cried. "What are you talking about?"

"I drank again on Saturday," he told me. "And I was okay. And I think I'll be okay with just drinking on the weekends."

"Brick?!?!? Have you lost your mind???"

"No! I want to be able to go out and have a social life that I want. And I want to be able to date... I'm young and I'm gay and I want--"

"Don't you think we all want that? But don't you want to live? I feel like you're being suicidal right now!"

Then I started to cry. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe. I was sobbing and heaving on the floor in Narc's bedroom. I'm sure that he heard me in the next room, but he didn't say anything and he didn't come in."

"I love you, Hydey," Brick said. "But I have to figure this out for me."

"I can't be friends with you!" I told him through choked tears. "You are breaking my heart."

At long last, we hung up the phone. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling. I called my sponsor, which helped. Then I called Brick back to tell him that I was sorry for yelling at him and that I love him.

"I'm not mad at you," I said. "I'm just worried and I feel so entirely powerless and it scares me. I don't want to sound 'condescending,' but I'm going to pray for you."

"I love you too," he said.

At that point, I must have been in Narc's bedroom for at least an hour. When I emerged, my eyes were ringed with mascara and my face was red and swollen. He didn't say much about it. I sat down on the couch and he put his feet up on my lap.

"Brick?" he asked.

"I'm afraid he's going to die," I said. "I'm afraid he's going to die just like my dad and he doesn't care."

Narc patted my hand awkwardly.

"Aww. I'm sure he'll be okay," he said, stiffly.

"I just wish I didn't fall so hard in love with the people I love. It hurts so much."

The tears started to roll faster. Narc looked at me as if he were confused.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," he said again. "Pride and Prejudice! Mr. Darcy!" he laughed, gesturing towards the TV.

"Yeah," I sighed.

We both turned to the television, silent for a few minutes. And then--

"I feel anxious," he told me, suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I just have this horrible feeling in my chest."

"What is it? Is there something I can do?"

"Just stay here with me," he said. "I don't know what I'd do if I were alone."

I rubbed his legs for him and then he sat up and I gave him a back rub.

"Are you feeling any better?'

"A little. But I should go to bed soon."

"Okay."

I felt weary.

And so, for the third year in a row, I spent the night before my birthday at Narc's house, in tears.

My birthday itself wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kind of nice. I woke up at Narc's, but took off by 11:00 because B and I had plans to meet for lunch. After lunch, B helped me pick out my Christmas tree (which is really quite giant and beautiful!). Then we went back to my apartment and attempted to sing the Love Duet from Madame Butterfly while waiting for the tree to get delivered. I didn't have time to decorate it before leaving to teach, but that's okay.

B waited in my office (and took a nap) while I taught my second to last class of the semester. Then I came up to meet him and we both headed over to my home group AA meeting.

AA was great last night. Hammer came to the meeting too, as the Tuesday night meeting is an "open" meeting. Meema brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses. I felt really good and positive and surrounded by love. And to top it all off, the main speaker was a famous singer who I have greatly admired for at least ten years. What a birthday surprise! B really loved the meeting and told me that he wanted to come back to another. Afterwards, Hammer and I headed out for dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen.

Originally, when Brick was still planning on being at the meeting, he was supposed to come for dinner too. I left him some messages earlier telling him that I still wanted him to come. But when I called him after the meeting, telling him where to meet, he didn't answer. He basically blew me off completely.

Hammer and I had a fabulous dinner, nonetheless. She regaled me with more stories of her friend, Curly-Q-- an apparent expert at the art of self-victimization. And she gave me a soap with a snowglobe of the Eiffel Tower on the inside of it. (It's kind of hard to explain). After dinner, I walked back to my place and finally got on the phone with Brick.

"What happened to you tonight?" I asked him.

"I felt uncomfortable coming out," he said.

"But it wasn't any AA people," I protested. "It was just me and Hammer!"

"I know, but I still felt uncomfortable."

"Why does your discomfort come before my feelings?" I asked. "I needed you to be there for me on my birthday. It's selfish."

We talked it out for a while more, and I was still really upset and confused, but I realize that there's nothing I can do and it won't help me to stay stuck on this.

"Are you coming to my party on Saturday?" I asked him.

"I'm going to be uncomfortable with the AA people there," he said.

"I need you to be there for me."

He eventually agreed, but told me that he couldn't stay for the entire thing.

Anyway, as my birthday drew to a close, I got some texts from Narc and he turned positively sweet. Here's what he said:

So, how's the tree? Decorated yet?

Hyde: Tree is gorgeous! And huge! (And expensive...) And not yet decorated. How are you?

Narc: Ah yes, the great and epic tree cometh yet again...! As for me, in watching first season of "Deadwood."

Hyde: How is it?

Narc: Great thus far. Only a few episodes in.

Hyde: Only 30 minutes left of celebrating ME!

Narc: Have the rest of your life to celebrate you!! (wink). Never told me what you wanted for your birthday...

Hyde: I don't like to ask for things. I want you to pick something. It'll mean more that way, anyway. It's sweet for you to get me anything at all...

Narc: Will find something great, surely. Bed for this one soon. Sweet dreams. And Happy Birthday again...

Hyde: Thanks. :) Sweet dreams to you too. Will give a call tomorrow...

So, that's a wrap. I'm 28 now.

Happy St. Lucy's Day!

love,
h

Small Talk

1:30 am: The phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Hyde."

"Hey... What's up?"

"I have to tell you two things..."

"What's that?"

"I need two things. I desperately need two things."

"What do you need?"

"I need corn. And I need you-- I am completely in love with you!"

"Wait... What did you say?"

"Are you a moron, Hyde? What don't you understand?"

"Just say it again, okay?"

"I said, I- NEED- CORN. That's the first part. Did you get that? Did you get that part, Hyde?"

"Well, I heard it, but I can't say that I 'got' it."

"Ugh, God! You are a moron. Are you a moron, Hyde?"

"I'm starting to think so."

"I'm a genius."

"Yes, I know."

"I wrote my script, and I'm a genius. And you're an academic and you're a moron."

"Ok. Why do you need corn?"

"You're a moron Hyde! Are you a moron?"

"Yes, Narc. I'm a moron. Why do you need corn?"

"Corn is in everything. It makes things sweet."

"What? So you need corn syrup? You need sugar? Ok. I get it."

"Ahhhh! So NOW she gets it! Oh! Now, after I explain it! Ha! Ha! Why are you such a moron??"

"I don't know, okay? So... corn... ok. But what was the second part?"

"What second part?"

"The second part of what you said..."

"I want to fuck you."

"That's not what you said."

"What did I say? I love you?"

"Yeah-- don't say that."

"Why not? I'm in love with you."

"Ugh."

"I want to do --------- to you."

"Ok, but that's not--"

"Come down here."

The conversation at this point, becomes blog-inappropriate, so I'm skipping a big chunk.

"Narc, just stop this. I can't do this. You love PopStar. You're getting married."

"Just come here, Hyde. I can give you money... for the taxi. I can give you love."

"I don't think so. You're engaged."

"You know that's a joke."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you-- Ugh! Hyde! You are such a wanker, you know that?"

"Oh, really? I'm the wanker? You're drunk Narc. Where did you go tonight?"

"I didn't go anywhere. I haven't left the fucking house since Friday in the fucking cold! Since I went to get my blood tested in the fucking cold."

"But you're drunk. You called me a wanker. You only say that when you're drunk."

"Maybe I've had a few."

"At home?"

"Champagne. But, I don't owe you an explanation."

"I didn't say you did."

"You're a wanker."

"No, Narc. I think you're the wanker."

"Well, I suppose I am. I'll give you that. But just get down here, already. I want you to come here. I want to do ---------- to you."

"Narc, you're engaged. You're in love with someone else."

"Ok. I love her. But, I also love you... among others."

"Among others? What the fuck does that mean? What others?"

"Just come here. I love you."

"Don't say that. I can't come, okay? I have to teach."

"Ugh! Hyde! You can just come here and we can fuck, and then you can go if you want."

"Ha ha ha ha! What am I? A prostitute? Are you going to pay me for that?"

"Of course not. I didn't mean that. I just want someone--"

"'Someone?' Anyone?"

"Don't be like that, Hyde. Don't make me out to be so terrible. I want you. You know that."

"No. I really don't."

"But I love you and I want you."

"You don't. You told the Sorceress that I was your 'fuck buddy.'"

"What? The Sorceress? She told you that?"

"She did."

"Don't take anything she says! Don't take what she says for anything! She doesn't know anything. She fucks with people's minds for a living!"

"I don't know about that..."

"What did you tell her about me, Hyde? What did you two talk about that you like her so much?"

"I didn't tell her anything about you, Narc. I just told her about me."

"What? So you two bonded or something?"

"You could say that."

"The fucking Sorceress interfering in my life again! You can't listen to that."

"So, that's not what you told her? That's not what you say about me?"

"You're not just my fuck buddy, Hyde."

"Then, what am I?"

"Just come here. Don't you love me anymore?"

"Not like I used to."

"What does that mean?"

"I used to be head over heels for you Narc. You know that."

"So, you're not anymore?"

"No. Not anymore."

"Since when? Since I've been dying?"

"Since you went to Russia."

"I think it's since I've been dying."

"I think it's since you went off to get married."

"I told you that's a joke!"

"It's not a joke that you're here writing about how in love you are in your little essay."

"What? How do you know what my essay is about?"

"It's about your trip to Russia. You told me that!"

"I did?"

"Yes."

"So, you don't love me anymore?"

"I do, Narc. Just not like I did. And I'm trying not to."

"You're a wanker, Hyde."

"How would you feel?"

"What?"

"How would you feel if you were head over heels and the girl went off and got engaged to someone else? It sucks. It hurts. It can't stay the same for me."

"It's a joke."

"Not to me. My birthday is the day after tomorrow, Narc."

"I KNOW that! I KNOW when your birthday is! Christ! Your birthday is in two days! I fucking KNOW that!"

"Okay."

"But, if you don't come down here, then..."

"Then... what?"

"I won't come to your house. I won't come to your house . I won't give you a present... no call... no card."

"Are you threatening me, Narc?"

"Yes."

"Don't make me laugh. I have to teach in the morning. I'm sorry! It's not going to work, okay?"

"Oh! So, I'm just terrible! Is that what you're telling me?"

"I didn't say that."

"What are you wearing?"

"A tank top and my underwear."

(Again, the conversation takes a turn that I have to omit.)

"Get down here now, Hyde."

"I told you-- I can't."

"Where are you?"

"I'm in bed, Narc."

"Where are you?"

"I said-- I'm in bed."

"No! You're such a moron, Hyde! Where are you?"

"I don't know what you want to hear from me right now."

"You're not here."

"Yes. Because I'm not coming."

"You don't love me, Hyde. You're not there for me. I don't want to be alone right now and you're not there for me at all. You're a liar."

"What?!? How can you say I'm not there for you? Obviously I am! I sat with you in the hospital every single day. I've been there for you non-stop!"

"You don't love me."

"Narc... I do. Just not like I did. Things just can't be what they were."

"You're not there for me."

"You have to be joking. All I've been is 'there for you.'"

"Whatever... Just go to sleep, if that's what you want, Hyde. If that's how you want it to be, go to sleep!!!"

"Ok. I will."

"I love you, Hyde, but you're going to sleep."

"Don't say that you love me."

"Why not?"

"It gets to me. You make me weak like that."

"I know."

"I have to go to bed now, Narc."

"Fine! Don't come here for me. Just go back to sleep if that's what you're going to do!"

"Ok."

"Don't come here!"

"I won't."

"Good bye."

He hung up the phone. Half an hour later, I got a text from him: Watching "Disclosure"... Call me when you can!!

An hour after that, I got another text: Watching "Birth," too funny. Call when up.

I wrote back this morning at 7:00 am: "Birth" is too creepy. Hope you finally got some sleep, my dear. And remember what I said...

PS: This may be my last post at 27!!!

insanity, right?

love,

h

On the Run...

I haven't had a chance to sit down and write this weekend... But, here's a brief update:

Thursday: I went down to stay with Narc, as he was anxious about being alone, following his recent return to the Emergency Room. He asked me to pick him up some books at Borders about blood type and diet, or something. I did. It was a fine night. No sex, though. And no feelings of being in love. Can this be for real? I hope so...

Friday: I left Narc's to head to a voice lesson and then I dashed straight over to school to meet Hammer after her exams. She passed!!! Hooray! I knew she would... Hammer's friend (yet to be named) and I took her out to lunch and then Hammer and I went for a manicure and pedicure. Later that night, Brick and I headed up to an AA event, but I was cranky. Perhaps more on the mini-drama that ensued later...

Saturday: I went to a meeting in the morning and then came home and played the piano for B, accompanying him on cello. Unfortunately, I missed Shorty, who was in town for the afternoon! After that, I bummed around for most of the early evening and spent three hours on the phone with Brick. I have been feeling a little run down. Luckily, I got it together in time to have a fabulous evening out with NDN, RDN and co. NDN organized a little event-- Korean BBQ followed by karaoke in Little Korea.

And today? I'm off to Long Island to build gingerbread houses with BigSis' niece and nephew-- D&D. I'm looking forward to it.

Lots of changes, though, as always... especially here in my heart. And I'm dying for a good chunk of time to write it out.

But for now, I have to go... hope you've all been having a good weekend!

h

Sleepless Nights

I know I still have to get to writing the part two of my "Sorceress" post, but there is so much going on right now and I have very little time.

First of all, I want to wish Hammer good luck!!! She has her oral exams tomorrow, so everyone should send some positive energy her way!

This week has been chaotic. I don't know what else to say. On Monday night I slept at Narc's. I'm starting to think I'm not in love with him anymore. Anyway, here's a text conversation between me and Narc from Tuesday night:

Narc: The Tivo has a new "Boston Legal." Woohoo!!

Hyde: Yay! I'll be watching that tomorrow afternoon. Btw-- that lessons and carols is 12/17 at 5:00... Let me know if you wanna go...
PS: Your text to me came in at 11:14. There's that number again!

Narc: Spader wins again...

Hyde: Hey! Don't tell me!

Narc: Spader always wins, come on!!

Hyde: Ok, ok... :)

Narc: "Armageddon:" I am so totally appreciateing its genius.

Hyde: You'll have to enlighten me. I do recall shedding a few tears last time I watched with you, though. Then again-- likely more to do with my "father issues" than its genius...

Narc: Spader never loses. And you cry too much anyway!!

Hyde: I don't cry enough, says my therapist. How about that?!? Anyway, going to sleep now. Sweet dreams...

Narc: You cry too much. Your therapist should know this. Sweet dreams...

Hyde: Maybe I just cry when I'm with you. Good night.

Narc: There goes the Eiffel...

I didn't get too much sleep that night because Brick was over and the alarm went off at 5:00 am. I could have stayed in bed and slept, but he came crying for me to help him with formatting his resume in the morning. Brick knows I'll do anything for him, so I dragged myself out of bed to do it.

Then, last night, I changed the sheets and sprayed my bed with lavendar and got snuggly under the covers at midnight. But mid-South Park episode, my phone rang. It was Narc. He was back in the ER. So, I jumped out of bed, threw on my ISM sweatshirt and ran over to the hospital. I only got to see him for ten minutes, and then spent an hour and a half in the waiting room. Apparently, he walked up a big flight of stairs and it left him winded and ragged. Of course, being Narc, he thought the best remedy was a drink, so he headed to the Upper East Side for martinis with a friend. It was then that he realized he had to go to the ER.

At around 2:00 am, I left the hospital with instructions for him to call me. He did so when he checked out at 6:00 am. I told him I'd come back there at some point today...

God, I'm tired.

And like I said-- I'm not so sure I'm even in love.

-h-

Oh- and PS: Last night, while Narc was laying on the hospital gurney, he asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

"For you to take care of yourself," I said.

"I thought I was doing that."

"I don't know, Narc... I don't know what I want."

(Why was that question so hard for me to answer?)

"I'll get back to you on that one."

The Sorceress (Part I)

The night I met Narc was a little crazy. The night he almost died-- Saturday, November 25th, was a little crazy too. I started to tell the story in my post, Thanksgiving Surprise. I left off when B left my apartment, and Narc finally called me back.

"How are you feeling?!? I was so worried about you," I exclaimed.

"Still not feeling too great. Coughing a lot... and can't breathe."

He was hacking and wheezing all the while on the phone.

"Oh, Narc! That's terrible! I wish there were something I could do."

"Well, I really can't walk much," he began, "so it would be great if you could bring some things here. I mean... I can't really get out to the store."

"Of course! What do you need?"

He gave me a list that included NyQuil and DayQuil and Vicks Vapo-rub and Fiji water and lemons and gatorade. I set off to Duane Reade to fill the request.

Also, may want to bring toilet paper, unless you want to rough it... (grin), he wrote to me while I was on my way down.

I had a lot of mixed feelings about going to his place and playing the role of "caretaker." On the one hand, I wanted to be there for him because he was sick. But on the other, it was building resentment and anger in me, as I know that he would never do the same for me. And I can't help but wish that he would.

While I was in the cab heading down there, he called me again.

"Don't bother coming," he said, glumly. "My friend-- you know, the one that's my neighbor-- the Sorceress-- She thinks that I need to go to the ER after all, so I'm gonna head out."

"Wait...what?!? Why does she think you have to go? Are you okay???"

"She called her sister, who's a doctor. And her sister thinks that it might be a pulmonary embolism. I don't know... But she knows people at NYU, and she said that she'll ride over with me, so..."

"Narc-- just wait for me to get there, okay? I'll go with you to the hospital. I'm almost to your house."

When I got to his place, he looked fine, but he was still coughing and wheezing.

"Where's your neighbor?" I asked.

"I don't know," he frowned. "She left to do a few things. She said she was gonna get a car and then call up for me to come down."

"Can you even make it down there?" I wondered. "You look like you're winded just talking to me!"

"I think I can do it, if we go slowly," he said.

A few minutes later, the Sorceress called up. I took Narc's arm and slowly led him down to the lobby and out to the cab. The Sorceress was sitting in the front seat with the cab driver. I helped Narc get in.

Hello, I'm Hyde, I wanted to say. But the Sorceress didn't give me a chance. She completely ignored me. She didn't even ask who I was, or why Narc was suddenly accompanied by a friend. Instead, she cut off all opportunity for introductions by shouting at the cab driver.

"Let's move!" she screamed. "This man is SICK and he needs to get to the hospital! I want you to take 'the Drive.'"

I don't know if I can possibly describe this woman and do her any justice. But, I guess I have to try. She was a large but solid, toned and big-boned woman-- probably about 5'8" and (I would guess?) a size 14. She was wearing jogging pants and a skin tight lycra top that looked like it might have been intended as a sports bra. Underneath her shirt, you could see that she had on a bra that was much too small and it cut into her huge breasts, pushing half of them up, causing them to flood out of the bra. Her hair was a short, bright orange, spiked in all directions. Her skin was as pale as any I've seen, creamy and smooth. Her lips were pink and swollen, like Angelina Jolie's. And she had piercing, watery green eyes. She had a beautiful face, but a hard edge. As for her demeanor? She was clearly manic. She kept barking out orders, moving her head around while she spoke, landing her hands on her hips or wildly swinging her arms. And she didn't let anyone get a word in edgewise. All in all, it was really quite striking. I, rather submissively, kept quiet, silently stroking Narc's hand in the back seat.

"I want you to merge into the other lane, Sir!" she snapped. "Sir! Sir? Did you hear what I said to you? I want you to merge over here!"

"Yes, yes, I'm going," the taxi driver mumbled.

"Is there a PROBLEM, Sir?" she asked, her voice riddled with condescension. She slowed down and spoke loudly, as if he couldn't understand English. "WE - HAVE - A - SICK - MAN - in this car! And I need you to do what I say!"

With that she turned from the driver with a huff and leaned her head out of the open passenger side window. There she stayed, her head hanging out the window like a dog's, silently gazing at the river and the reflected city lights.

"The city is really quite beautiful, isn't it?" I whispered to Narc.

He smiled at me awkwardly.

Narc kept coughing. And I? I felt like I wanted to cry. In silent sympathy for the cab driver, I wanted to apologize to him for the Sorceress' behavior, but I couldn't. I didn't want to meet her wrath. In an instant, she had completely dominated everyone in the car-- including Narc.

Finally we pulled off the drive and neared the hospital.

"I want you to all shut up and let me speak!" she roared.

No one said a word.

"When we get there, I want you to KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT! I'll handle it."

Then she turned to the cab driver.

"Sir? Sir! I want you to pull in over here."

"I can't, Miss. The sign says no turn."

"I don't care what it says! You're going to be my personal ambulance. Turn! Right here! Right HERE! TURN!"

The driver turned to her in amazement. "Are you drunk?!?!" he asked, a scowl on his face.

She let out a peal of laughter.

"I ASSURE you, Sir! I am ONE- HUNDRED- PERCENT sober! I am POSITIVELY sober! Just do what I say and pull in. I need you to be my ambulance. Don't worry about it. Just shut up and let me do the talking! GO!"

The driver followed her instructions, and with that, she leapt out of the car at the Emergency Room ambulatory entrance.

"Was she talking to me, just now?" the cab driver asked, in anger. "Telling me to 'shut up?' Because I won't be spoken to like that!"

"No, no!" I tried to reassure him, all the while still rubbing Narc's arm. "She was talking to us. She just wants to be the one to explain to the doctors what's going on. She's just under a lot of stress," I said. "We're all just a little scared about the situation right now."

My chest felt tight. I still wanted to cry. The Sorceress came around to Narc's side of the car with an EMT and a wheelchair. That left me to pay the driver's $20 fee.

"I'm sorry!" I told him again, as I climbed out. "I really am. Have a nice night!"

Then. I joined Narc and the Sorceress just in time to hear him protesting his forced confinement to the wheelchair.

"I'm really okay to walk the few feet," he said.

"Just LISTEN TO ME!" she exclaimed. "I'm going to get you in right away. No lines. Nothing. You have to advocate for yourself here. I know. I KNOW. I fucking KNOW how it works! Just let me handle it! For Christ's sake! I sit on the board of this fucking hospital and I know what you have to do to get the best care. Just shut up and listen!"

She quickly strode ahead of us in a tizzy, her walk forceful but crooked, her arms swinging, her neck bobbing around. To tell you the truth, she scared the shit out of me. I quietly trailed behind Narc and the EMT.

So that's how we entered the hospital-- we walked in the ambulatory entrance. By the time I caught up to the Sorceress, she was arguing with the intake nurse about taking Narc in right away ahead of the line.

"Go over there and get him checked in!" she ordered me. It was the first thing she had said to me all night.

"Okay."

I obediently went over to the check-in window.

"Name?"

"Narc."

"Address and phone?"

I told them.

"Insurance?"

"He doesn't have any."

"Okay... I need an emergency contact and some ID."

"I guess, just put me," I said. (This felt way too surreal!) "Just put me as the contact and I'll get you the ID."

I walked over to Narc to ask him for his wallet.

"Take his jacket off him," the Sorceress ordered me. "Help him with that."

Narc was talking to the nurse. I didn't want to interrupt. But I was scared to not do what she said.

"Narc," I whispered, coming up behind him and putting my hands on his shoulder. "I just need your ID. And... why don't you take this off."

I helped him labouringly wriggle out of the sleeves.

The next thing I knew, I was completing the paperwork and Narc was whisked away into the emergency room proper. I saw his image disappearing down a long hallway. I looked at the Sorceress. She was quiet for once.

"Hi. I'm Hyde," I said, timidly.

"Sorceress." She was leaning against the wall and gave me a jaunty smile.

"I told you I could get him in, if you all listened to me," she grinned. "You have to know the fucking system!"

"It was really quite impressive," I agreed.

"I just want to make sure he gets the right care," she said. "I mean, I don't know this guy from Adam... I just met him this summer. But I can't have his blood on my hands, you know? I just can't have blood on my hands!"

"Uh, huh..."

I didn't know what to say.

"I've got to get in there and talk to him," she announced out loud.

The next thing I knew, she elbowed her way past the hospital guard and into the emergency room.

"Wait, you can't--!" the guard began, but it was too late to stop her.

"I have to see the doctor!" she called over her shoulder.

I slipped through the door behind her and scurried after her.

Narc was in a cubicle, sitting on a bed, dressed in a hospital gown when I got to him. I stood by him and put my hands on him and tried to silently comfort him. But soon, I had to move out of the way for the nurse.

"I want him checked for a PE!" the Sorceress was telling the nurse.

"Yes, ma'am. This is an excellent hospital. We'll check for everything."

"You don't have to tell me this is an excellent hospital! I know this is a fucking good hospital! I sit on the board of directors of this fucking hospital! Do you want to look my name up in the computer? Go ahead!"

The nurse cringed. So did Narc.

"I'm sure they'll take good care of me," he said.

"I just want to make sure that they're thorough." the Sorceress insisted. She was pacing around the cubicle. I was pushed to the outer edge. I could barely see Narc.

"We're going to run an EKG and a CT scan first," she said. "Don't worry. We'll take good care of him. I need you guys to wait outside now. You can come back and visit at the next visiting time, which is 8:00."

"Okay, let's go!"

The Sorceress whirled on her feet and strode towards the door. I gave Narc a quick kiss. His energy was cold and deadly and awkward. I felt like I was in a dream. I followed the Sorceress back into the lobby.

"Wanna go get a cup of coffee?" she asked me.

"No, I think I'll stay here," I said.

"Why? You can't get back in right now. Come get coffee with me. Let's go. Give me your bag!"

I handed her my bag without a word.

"Good exercise!" she exclaimed, hauling it over her shoulder and bursting past me out the door. I trotted to keep up.

"There's a Starbucks just over here," I pointed.

"Not that one. We're going to the one on 5th."

"But that's five avenues away!"

It didn't make any sense.

"That's okay. Exercise, my dear! Exercise! It will do us good!"

And with that, we were off.

More to come...

-h-

Alcoholism

Narc isn't supposed to drink more than one drink from now on. He is on blood thinners and alcohol only makes his blood more thin. Plus, the medication overworks his liver. On top of that, he has to be really careful not to injure himself by falling and getting bruised or cut. The doctor explained all that to him.

He called me last night at 3:30 am. He was very drunk.

Alcoholism is scary.

-h-

At Home

It's been quite a day today. The "Glitter and Doom" exhibit was incredible and I can't wait to read the catalogue, which I had to buy!


I donned a short dark brown bob wig with a 1920's style crocheted cap and painted my eyes in electric green for the occasion. While I was explaining some of the history to Anxious at the exhibit, a little crowd gathered and I felt like quite the historian!

Even so, things crashed for me tonight. It had to do with a conflict with Brick, but moreso with the fact that I felt invisible to him. Brick relapsed again last weekend and I opened my home and my heart to him and then felt invisible. And I know that Brick cares about me, but it's just that this week with Narc has been so hard... I've been so good to him and I've done everything that he's asked of me, but he still acts like I don't exist. I hear him telling his friends that he "just took a cab" to the emergency room, etc. when I was the one to bring him there, bring him all of things, show up every day, and bring him home. I don't exist.

I don't exist.

I couldn't catch myself tonight on my downward spiral. The crying jag was back with a vengeance. I slashed up my arm in two places. And that scared me. I didn't know what to do. I painted my eye makeup on even thicker and watched it streak down my cheeks. I smoked cigarettes and let the smoke waft up into my eyes and sting them. I painted my lips in a bruised purple. I listened to Roy Orbison and KD Lang sing "Crying" over and over.

And I don't know why I did what I did next, but I did it... God, maybe.

I called a girl from my home group. She was down on the Lower East Side hearing a band. She went outside so she could hear me and stayed on the phone with me. She told me that she was going to make a house call and asked if she could bring two other home group members that were with her. I don't know why I agreed, but I said okay.

They got here at about 10:45. They sang a little with me and gave me candy and laughed and didn't ask once why I was crying. It didn't matter anymore. We sat up and played trivial pursuit until 2:00 am. They were all tired, but they didn't leave. So, my living room was full. It was full of life and new friends. I can't explain it... but I know that they know where I was at that night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that they helped me feel "a part of." At home in my home.

I'm still tired from all the crying. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.

But, wow... When I first joined my home group, a girl told me I "never had to be alone again if I didn't want to be." I don't think I really believed her, or even thought about it. But, now I do. And I hope I can be there for someone else...

love,
h

PS: More N drama, of course, but in the spirit of the evening, I'm going to let it go for now...

The Good, the Bad and the...

The Good News:
Narc got out of the hospital today. I picked him up there at around noon and took him home. He's going to have to be monitored very closely, but he has pulled through this ordeal. Hooray! And thank God!

The Bad News:
I gave him a blow job. (Is that really bad news? I can't decide. I didn't think so at the time. But now I sort of do... sort of. Well, I really don't. But, it SHOULD be bad news, right? If I'm supposed to be "teaching him how to treat me" and all that... Right?)

Ugh... I don't know anymore. I just don't know.

More to come...

-h-

Thanksgiving Surprise

So... I don't even know where to start. I'm too exhausted to write, and yet, if I don't write everything will somehow slip away from me. I don't know... maybe that's for the best.

Well, in any case... here we go...

I hadn't heard from Narc at all last week or the week before, unless I complained that I could "take it no more" in which case, I got a mildly placating text in return. It was the same way last Wednesday-- the day I was stuck at home, sick in bed. I felt awful. And in my weakened condition, I called him and left him a voice mail.

"I don't expect to hear back from you... I don't even know why I'm calling," I sighed as I hung up the phone.

I didn't expect it would prompt a response, but it did. We talked for twenty minutes.

"You can pop by any time," he said.

"Oh, really?" I was dubious.

"Yeah, sure."

"So... maybe Friday? Or Saturday?"

"I was thinking more like tonight."

I was sick, sick, SICK, but I couldn't resist him. NDN knew it when he came up here and posted a quickie for me on the blog. We both knew it... I was still sucked in to all that.

I had baked a cake that afternoon for no other reason except that I had a major sugar craving. NDN and I had each had a piece. I decided to bring the rest to Narc...

So... I went.

It was a strange hang out... Kind of a lame hang out. The right energy wasn't there. We played with Narc's new Nintendo Wii and I beat him at the bowling game. I could tell he didn't like that. He told me that he's been hanging with the Exhibitionist again and that she's dating some creepy lawyer just to get him to pay for things like her $700 haircuts, but that she's trying to avoid fucking him for as long as she can. Narc told me the story with a measure of pride-- as if he were a dorky ninth grade boy befriended by a popular girl and wanted to show off about it.

"Narc-- do you realize how disgusting that sounds?" I asked. "What happened to treating people as an ends and not a means? That's a cardinal rule for me. I wouldn't be showing off about my shallowness if I were the Exhibitionist. It's unflattering. I have no respect for that."

I think my response to his story made him feel "awkward."

Anyway, we hung out until 1:00 am or so and then both chugged some NyQuil and headed to bed. At 3:30 in the morning, my phone rang. It was Brick. I crawled out of bed with Narc and headed into the living room, curling up on the couch. Brick was distressed. He had left for Virginia earlier that day to spend Thanksgiving with his sister and her fiancee, but he was having a hard time. His siblings were drinking openly as the "main activity," and his other sister's boyfriend smoked a joint in the car on the way down. We talked through it for a while and then I confessed that I was at Narc's. I wished I could do more for Brick, but had to accept that I couldn't. I'm grateful for his friendship, though. I probably got back to bed at around 4:30 am.

The next morning, I couldn't spend the day with Narc, as it was Thanksgiving. I kissed him goodbye and headed out to Queens where BigSis and Bro-in-Law live. They were planning on driving me to my mom's. It was a nice afternoon. I baked two pumpkin pies. Dinner was at Bro-in-Law's parents house. His niece and nephew, D&D were there and I had a lot of fun playing with the kids. I let them polish my nails and draw "tattoos" all over me with magic marker. Their mother couldn't believe I permitted it, but I enjoyed it. I liked watching them laugh. My cousins Jail and Jol were there too, with my aunt (my mom's sister). And then, of course, there was the usual crowd-- my parents, my sisters and the boys.

Later that night, I was thrilled to get a text from Narc: Thanksgiving at home, just ModelChick and myself. Polished off your cake. It was tres delicious!

Hyde: Yay! Glad I could contribute to your feast. My pumpkin pies were good too. I'm ready to crash now. Hope you're feeling ok. Lots to be thankful for this year. :)

Narc: Still feeling rotten, but NyQuil and sleep soon...

Hyde: Ok. Well, wishing you sweet dreams. I was glad to see you again... Be easy on yourself and enjoy the Zelda.

Narc: Playing Zelda now!

Hyde: Huzzah! Are you the warrior or the wolf?

Narc: Back to my human form. In an epic jousting match right now.

Hyde: Epic? That sounds intense... Good luck. :)

I had planned to stay at my mom's place that night. So there I was-- laying in bed, watching TV, exhausted from my day and filled with a slew of mixed emotions, when the phone rang. It was B. He called to tell me that he was engaged.

I don't really want to get into all of that-- all of the feelings that flooded me. To be honest-- after everything that's happened the past week, I don't have the strength to relive all of that again. But it was hard. I cried and cried and cried. And then I slept.

The next morning, I called my mom to come down and talk to me while I was still in bed. I think I needed a little extra support to get myself up to face the world. But, finally, I took a deep breath, dragged myself up and tried to re-center myself for the day. I had plans to spend the afternoon with my stepbrother, who since the accident has found a new joy in singing. It's clear that the part of his brain that relates to music functions much better than the part of his brain that works for language, and it's a way for him to express himself. My mom and I wanted to take him to my apartment where I could play piano and sing with him through the afternoon.

Before we got there, we stopped off at a music store and picked up some sheet music-- mostly stuff from the '50's and '60's-- stuff that my mom likes to sing with him. My parents have hired an attendant to help with him while he's at their place, and she came with us too.

On our way into the city, I texted Narc again: Gorgeous day today! :)

Narc: Yes, and I will be stuck inside, rescuing princess Zelda!

Hyde: How many hours are you in now?

Narc: About 20. Not even one third!

Hyde: Wow. You are one dedicated man. All for a princess with whom there's no romance! Have fun. I'm headed back to the city in a few hrs...

Narc: The quest is the romance!

Hyde: Very "male" of you to say!

Anyway, when we got to my place, I got to entertain my stepbrother. He is so sweet and I had a lot of fun singing with him. We all ordered in Chinese food. After that, I sang an aria or two for them and my mom was really impressed.

"You have a gift, sweetie, and you have to do something with it," she said.

That felt good.

They all headed out at around 5:00 and I didn't bother to make plans for the evening. I was too tired. I finally spoke to B, though, and after a few tears, I felt grateful for his friendship and his love.

"You are my family," he told me. "I will never, ever, abandon you. Don't be afraid of that just because I'm engaged. I will always be there."

I felt bad that I had to make it about myself and that I couldn't just be purely happy for him, but I really am doing my best. I told him that, and he said that he knows it.

Anyway, I cried a little more that night, just because the tears were in me. Then I went to bed.

The next day, I woke up and went to a "double winners," Alanon/AA meeting. After that, I met B for lunch. We ate at a Chinese place on 3rd avenue-- the same one we used to eat at walking back from school, my first year of the PhD program.

"Remember how excited and intense I was about my research paper, back then?" I asked him.

"Yeah. It used to make me stressed," he laughed, "because I had all those incompletes and a lot of anxiety about doing them."

"My, how the tables have turned!"

I ordered some steaming red bean buns-- the same as I used to eat when B and I lived together.
While we were eating, I saw that I had missed a call from Narc. I also had a text from him.

Heading to ER, he wrote.

I called him back right away. He told me that he had collapsed that morning and that he had called around but none of his friends were there. He didn't want to call an ambulance, but wanted to take a taxi to the ER. I told him that I was having lunch with B, but that I could come if it were an emergency.

"Well, I'm not sure if I have to go," he said. "I may just rest for a bit and then reassess."

"Okay, well keep me posted!" I made him promise. "I'm going to be worried. And of course, if you have to go, I'll come down."

After that, B and I headed back to my place for some afternoon music. He just started taking voice lessons with a new teacher, and while he has always sung baritone, this new teacher thinks he may be a tenor! He was excited about it, so we sang through some music and even foolishly braved the Love Duet from Otello.

All the while, though, I was worried about Narc. I tried calling him a few times, but he didn't answer. I figured that he was playing games with me again. I was getting really anxious, though, and couldn't help myself from obsessing.

"Why don't you just put off thinking about it until 5:00 pm?" B suggested. "Then you can call him again. But you can't let yourself be tortured like this every minute!"

I agreed.

B left my place at around 5:00 and luckily, I heard back from Narc just after that. Thus began the beginning of one of the strangest nights of my life. But, I'm off to an AA meeting now, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for the rest of the story...

hope you are all well.

love,
h

Crying

I feel so out of control sometimes. I am a physical and chemical mess. I've had a hard week, but it's not that. It's something else I can't understand. I started the day out okay, but ended up on another crying jag this afternoon. I am feeling suicidal again. I can't go through this every month. I called my mom, hardly able to breathe. I feel like I can't get through to the next moment. I don't know how I taught today. I cried in my office until two minutes before class. I just kept praying for God to give me the strength to be of service to my students. Somehow I did it. Now, I've just finished the class and I have a dull, pressing headache accompanied by extreme exhaustion. I just want to go home and get under the covers, but I'm going to try to press on to my meeting tonight first. I wish I could have some Jack Daniels, but I know that it would only be a temporary fix and I'd be left feeling worse. I just don't know why I feel this way, though. I know that it's physical. It feels physical. And I feel so very, very out of control.

I hate it.

Still working on that other post...

h

Glitter and Doom

There's a new exhibit at the Met called Glitter and Doom. If I were ever going to name an exhibit after myself, that would be it! That would be it exactly. In fact, I can't think of a more perfect description for myself!

I'm going to check it out with Anxious on Saturday. It's all Weimar portraiture-- the works of Dix, Grosz, etc. I absolutely love that stuff. (I got semi-obsessed with it two years ago after reading a book about Lustmord paintings, followed by Grosz's autobiography).

Anyway... Weimar decadence aside, I have so much that I want to write and so much that I need to say, but I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off on absolutely no sleep. I'm going to get up early tomorrow to try to draft a post. I don't know if it seems to you all that I haven't been writing as much, but I feel it in my bones... I miss blogging.

Narc is still in the hospital and will probably be there through Sunday. The blood clots were described as forming a "forest" of clots in his lungs. Fucking scary. He's lucky to be alive, but I don't think he sees it that way... I have been through such a roller coaster of emotions with all of this-- all of which I am itching to write about. The bottom line-- I am starting to see things more clearly... even if I don't like what I see.

In any case, as I'm bone tired, I'm heading off to bed. I just wanted to check in for a quick "hello."

love,
h

Update

Narc is stable and is going to be okay. He has to stay in the hospital for a week though, on heavy doses of heparin to thin out his blood. He avoided the heart surgery, thank God. This whole thing has been crazy... an absolute drain. And I have so much to write about, but no time right now, as I've been spending my spare moments in the hospital.

Things are changing so fast for me, it's incredible. But I'm making it through and I'm still sober and that's pretty fucking amazing.

I'm feeling very grateful.

-h-

Dying...!

This time he really is dying.

It's 3:12 am and I just got home. I took Narc to the ER and just left him in the hospital. I went to his apartment and got all of his things. I'm going back to the hospital in the morning.

He has blood clots in his right ventricle blocking the air to his lungs. He may need heart surgery. He's on blood thinners for the moment until they re-test him in the morning.

I can't fucking believe this.

Of course, I'll be back with details, but maybe not for a while...

Pray for him... please.

-h-

Engaged

B called me last night after midnight with some news-- He and Drippy got engaged. That means that since I've gotten sober, first Hammer got engaged, then Narc and now B.

-h-

NDN's Post

This is NDN filling in for Hyde. She's breathing over my shoulder, infecting me with God knows what... Anyway. An update is needed for her blog, for as you see just as I walked in to bring her laundry she was on the phone with......who could it be.......you've probably already guessed that we are referring to the Narcissist. She hadn't spoken to him in many days, but decided to call him this afternoon.

Now this is Hyde typing because NDN was getting tired of typing, but NDN is still dictating. Narc called her back just before I walked in the door and told her that he's "Dying" of course and that he hasn't left the house in weeks, BUT that he's managed to see many different feature films with many different people.

Hyde asked if she was ever going to see him again and he said

"You're always welcome to come here. You know that!"

So, Hyde said "Maybe I'll come down Friday or Saturday night!"

Narc vascillated. "I was thinking more like tonight..."

Even though he can't walk two feet he wants a booty call. (This is Hyde for a sec-- those are NDN"s words, not mine!!! Okay... back to NDN).

Meanwhile, Hyde is dying too. She couldn't even leave her apartment to get her own laundry. But silly, silly Hyde. She's gonna schlepp to Tribeca... The saga will continue. But I want Hyde to prove me wrong and tell Narc that if he wants sex, he can get his ass up here.

Narc just texted:
If it's not too out of the way, would you be able to grab some Nyquil on the way down?

I would love it if Hyde wrote back exactly: You know, I'm sick too. What have you done for me lately? Wouldn't it be nice if you brought ME some Nyquil?

Hope this wasn't too awkward for you guys...

*hugs!*

NDN

Madness

Well, I was feeling fine for the past two days, but here I am, a train wreck, yet again. I'm sick... I have an awful cough and a slight fever. I really don't feel like schlepping out to Long Island tomorrow or dealing with city traffic or the parade crowds... especially as the forecast says cold rain!

And I'm sad about Narc. He continues to ignore me and I have to accept it. Even though my heart is breaking... broken... I'm also mad at him here and there... in the brief flashes of clarity and sanity given to me. Let's hope they become more frequent and longer lasting. More than anything, the conflict within me is sickening me. When my mind wanders to his face and his hands, I feel like I need to vomit.

I stayed in bed all day today, only venturing out for a few minutes to the deli across the street. I ate a banana. I baked a yellow cake with chocolate icing. Then I only ate one small piece. I also gave one to NDN.

It's cold out this week. I like it. Just two days ago, I was feeling grateful that my favorite season is descending upon us. I love Christmas lights and I love the smell and feel of cold air. I simply love November-January. I always find myself in those months.

But today I am morose and slightly despondent. Today I am a bottomless well of self-pity and helplessness. (Hmm... Don't I love being melodramatic!).

I feel a little delirious right now. I better not say another word, lest you all think I've gone mad.

love,
h

PS: Tomorrow, if my health allows it, I am going to bake a pumpkin pie.

Stilled Waters

I'm in a very strange mood today. It started when I woke up this morning. I felt like it might be over... all of this might be over. I might be done with Narc. I don't want to say more than that, because I know I've said it before and it hasn't been true. And I don't want to overthink this feeling and scare myself back into my "tunnel-vision" for him, but if I'm writing about today, it had to be said. That's where I'm at.

Anyway, on to the rest of the weekend! I think I left you off when Brick and I were about to head to NV's party with our new AA friend (Well-- he's more Brick's friend than mine). I'm going to call him "Pilman." Anyway, they came up to my apartment and before we left, I sang Vissi d'arte for them and Pilman cried! Then we headed outside and walked the five blocks to NV's place. It was a pretty fun party, although NV did mention the ginger-infused vodka when we arrived. All three of us split up and had a pretty easy time chatting with people. There was a girl I met who is a jazz singer. She got a little drunk, though, and became pretty annoying, asking everyone advice about whether or not she should ditch her artist boyfriend for some rich guy who wants to take her to Paris. (Brick said "yes!" and I said "no!"). At one point, Brick put his arms around me (which I'm totally comfortable with) and after that, Pilman, following his lead, started being more "touchy-feely" with me, which I really didn't like. I'm not yet practiced enough at saying so, though. So, instead, I just got silently annoyed.

We left the party at around 1:30 and stopped off for some ice cream before heading back to my place. NDN had texted to see if I were awake, so I invited him upstairs. All four of us chatted for a while and NDN put on some really strange HBO porn series that featured a 500 lb woman covered in cookie dough having sex. By 2:00 am, Brick wanted to go to bed, so NDN went home, I blew up the air mattress for Pilman so he could join us in the bedroom and we all drifted off to sleep.

On Sunday morning, I woke up bright and early. Brick was up and getting ready to head out for a brunch date with a guy he met while "speed-dating" the night before. Pilman left with him and I got ready for my own brunch with Bezoukhoff. We had a really lovely afternoon. After our meal, he came back to my apartment and helped me do some research on the Belarusian village that my mom's family came from. I have already gathered as much as possible, given the language barrier, but Bezoukhoff found some interesting information and translated the websites for me. By 2:30, it was time to head uptown for B's concert.

Just as we were settling down into our seats in a gorgeous, warm, Presbyterian church that smelled of pine, Bezoukhoff realized that he had lost his cell phone in the cab. He wasn't upset for long, though. The concert was truly beautiful. I loved the sturm und drang of some of the Haydn and the soprano soloist in the first half was a real surprise. She was amazing. I am thinking about giving her a call and asking to sing for her.

I wasn't even aware that Drippy was there in the audience, but after the concert, when B came up to give me a huge hug, he immediately alerted me to her presence. The four of us went out for coffee and I have to say-- Drippy was friendlier than she has ever been!

After that, B and Drippy headed home while Bezoukhoff and I came back to my place. Bezoukhoff called his sister to let his family know about the missing phone and as luck would have it, his sister reported that the phone had been found! Bezoukhoff called the good Samaritan who picked it up from the cab and headed out to get his phone back. Then he came back to my house, we ate Chinese, watched some Jon Stewart and Colbert and I sent him off as I went to bed.

That's pretty much all the excitement I have to report. Yesterday was a decent day. At 5:30 am, the phone rang. I heard it in my sleep, even though it was my land line and was only ringing in my living room.

It's probably Narc, I thought. And whoever it is will try my cell next.

But, my cell phone never rang. So, later that morning, when I got out of bed, I checked the machine. It was my grandma calling from Jerusalem! She sounded so sad. I called her back right away, even though it's always a painful phone call for me. She is getting old. If we don't go back for another visit soon, I fear that I'll never see her again.

The rest of the day was fine. I taught, and that's about it...

Today I went to the doctor. I gained five pounds in spite of the lizard spit. The doctor couldn't believe it. I guess my body is freakishly out of wack. I do have good news, though-- my liver is officially back to normal! Would you believe it? All it took was six months of sobriety to get those numbers back where they need to be! I am very happy that there's no long-term damage.

Now I'm here in my office with a little bit of time before I have to teach. I think I'm going to try to get some more work done on my fourth step.

I have a lot more I want/need to say about Narc, but I don't want to do that to myself right now. So... I'll write it later.

If I'm not back before then-- Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

h