Madness

Well, I was feeling fine for the past two days, but here I am, a train wreck, yet again. I'm sick... I have an awful cough and a slight fever. I really don't feel like schlepping out to Long Island tomorrow or dealing with city traffic or the parade crowds... especially as the forecast says cold rain!

And I'm sad about Narc. He continues to ignore me and I have to accept it. Even though my heart is breaking... broken... I'm also mad at him here and there... in the brief flashes of clarity and sanity given to me. Let's hope they become more frequent and longer lasting. More than anything, the conflict within me is sickening me. When my mind wanders to his face and his hands, I feel like I need to vomit.

I stayed in bed all day today, only venturing out for a few minutes to the deli across the street. I ate a banana. I baked a yellow cake with chocolate icing. Then I only ate one small piece. I also gave one to NDN.

It's cold out this week. I like it. Just two days ago, I was feeling grateful that my favorite season is descending upon us. I love Christmas lights and I love the smell and feel of cold air. I simply love November-January. I always find myself in those months.

But today I am morose and slightly despondent. Today I am a bottomless well of self-pity and helplessness. (Hmm... Don't I love being melodramatic!).

I feel a little delirious right now. I better not say another word, lest you all think I've gone mad.

love,
h

PS: Tomorrow, if my health allows it, I am going to bake a pumpkin pie.