Sparkle

I'm sitting in the sparkle of my Christmas tree and feeling a little sad. I want someone else to be here to see it. So many people were at my house just two days ago, but it's still not enough. I feel like the tree is wasted on me when it's just me...

The other day, I made my bed-- something I rarely do. That night, I didn't want to sleep under the covers. I slept on top of them. I didn't want to mess up the bed.

Do I think that I don't deserve a made bed? Or that I'm not a worthy audience for my tree?

I don't know...

Hammer gave me an awesome birthday card-- it's a picture of Greta Garbo and John Gilbert from Flesh and the Devil (1926).

"This card suited you for some reason," she wrote.

I'm looking at the card right now.

This afternoon I went to my school to talk to a professor whose course I will be taking this Spring. It's a good thing. We talked a bit about the methodology of cultural history vs. the methodology of intellectual history. This morning I read a few chapters from a book about bridging the disciplines of history and musicology. I guess I'm starting to feel a bit more like "myself" again.

On Sunday my cell phone broke. It still works for calls, but I can't send or receive text messages and so I'm feeling a little more "powerless" and out of control than usual. It's crazy how addicted we can become to a little technology! I'm waiting for the insurance company to send me a relplacement phone in the mail.

As "text" is my primary method of communication with Narc, I haven't heard from him since Saturday when he called me right before my party.

"Are you coming tonight?" I asked.

"I don't think I'm up for it," he said. "I'm still not feeling great, and yesterday was the most stressful day ever!"

"Why? What happened?"

"I tried to go to the movies, but I got all constricted, like I was having some kind of panic attack," he explained. "But the doctors don't think that's a side effect from the medicine, and so no one knows what's going on."

"That's awful!"

"To make matters worse, my mom thinks I should declare bankrupcy to deal with the hospital bills, but that's going to ruin my credit. I was on the phone fighting with her all day and then on the phone with PopStarChick fighting with her all day."

So, there's trouble in paradise?

"I'm sorry you're under so much stress, Narc," I said. "Of course, don't worry about my party. As long as you come up here and see my tree at some point."

"Definitely. I just don't think I can handle putting on a smile and acting cheerful and being all--'How do you know Hyde?' "How do you know Hyde?' You know what I mean?"

"Sure. I just hope you feel better. And come up here before New Year's, okay?"

"Okay, I promise."

(I doubt that he will, but that's alright...)

Anyway, the party was a complete success. I've never seen so much food in my apartment before. I have enough left over to get me to the new year! It was an interesting crowd-- My graduate school friends, such as Hammer and Bezoukhoff (Hammer came with her fiancee which I was very happy about. He is very sweet and a beautiful singer. I'll leave it to Hammer to name him for the blogs), then there were my college friends-- Contessa and her boyfriend, GoldenFinch, her husband and BabyBird, Anxious (but no BulgarianGuy), B and Drippy, etc. One woman came from the music management company where I worked my first job; a guy came with whom I used to do musical theater (he's now a professional opera singer). Then there was the AA crowd-- Meema and her husband, Leseco, Bartelby, Pilman, Slope, Cherubino and WoodsMan. Some of those people I've mentioned before. Some, I haven't. But I'm sure they'll all make future appearances here. And then, there was my family-- BigSis and Bro-in-Law, LilSis and JBC and my mom. And of course, BigSis' friend, English. Oh-- and my friend, NV. I'm sure I left a slew of people out, but I just can't think of everyone right now.

We sang a lot and Bezoukhoff and my mom read some poems. At one point, IrishBird stopped by the building lobby to drop off flowers for me. It was sweet. And I think everyone had a great time. The party started at 6:00 and lasted until after midnight-- a much more humane time for it to end, as I had an opportunity to clean up and hit the sheets before 2:00. And I talked to Liu on the phone for about an hour before bed.

There's a lot more I could say about the party, but I hate overthinking events like that-- the spirit of it is impossible to capture here. Suffice it to say, the room was full of warmth and love and all of the interesting, quirky personalities with which I've populated my life. With the exception of Brick's absence (from which I'm still smarting), I couldn't have asked for anything more.

My texts were still working the next morning when Brick and I arranged to exchange back the things we had loaned out to each other other. I still can't believe how all of this turned out with him, although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. The very first day I met him, he said that he was "selfish." It's my fault for not listening. But that doesn't help it to hurt any less.

Anyway, this morning I gave the first of three final exams. I'll be relieved when the semester is over.

I'm feeling sad, though-- a sadness that seems unrelated to everything happening around me. I want to sleep next to Narc tonight, but he's grumpy and so I doubt he'll call.

It's strange to be in my building without NDN here. There's something comforting in that he lives here, no matter how many times I get on him for his "antics." The building feels "colder" without him.

I guess that's it for now. I still really want to finish my story about Narc's neighbor, the Sorceress, and that crazy week that he spent in the hospital, but that will have to wait for another time.

until then...

h

PS: Here's a picture of the top of my tree and the Chrysler Building out the window... yay.