Suicidal Boys and Birthdays

First of all-- Today is St. Lucy's day and I love her.

Second of all-- I need to stop loving suicidal men. Do you guys remember what happened the night before my birthday last year? In case you forgot, here's an excerpt from my December 11, 2005 evening with Narc:

Later we went back to his place and he told me that he is suicidal. He told me he is going to throw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge and that he already brought himself to the brink once. I started to cry. He told me to quit my hysterics...

..."It's going to happen," he said. "It's only a matter of when. You'll never know when it's coming..."

I became hysterical. I buried my head in the couch. My makeup ran everywhere. I couldn't breathe. He just looked at me with disdain...

This year, as I was leaving my office the afternoon of December 11th, I got a call from the Sorceress (Narc's neighbor, for those of you who may not be all caught up.)

"Have you spoken to Narc lately?" she asked me in near hysterics.

"Yeah, I spoke to him last night... Why?"

"Because I just got a call from his mother. She's looking for him. She's been calling him all morning and he's not answering. I tried pounding on his door and he's not answering. What if he's there collapsed in his apartment? How was he last night?"

"I'm sure he's fine," I tried to reassure her. "He's probably just asleep."

"He'd sleep through all of that knocking?!?"

"Yes, I'm sure of it. He sleeps like a rock. He was wasted last night, so I'm sure he just passed out cold."

"Wasted? What does that mean?"

"That he was really drunk..."

"What?!?!? WHAT?!?!?" She was shouting at me through the phone. "He's been drinking?!?!? And you allow this? Have you been drinking with him? Did you talk to him about this? He's not supposed to be drinking in his condition!"

"Yeah, I know," I sighed. "But there's not much I can do about it. I mean, he knows I'm worried about him. But I don't drink with him. And I can't talk to him about it. He's just going to be mean to me."

"You need to get down there and get into that apartment today!" she told me. "He could be dead. And we don't need that blood on our hands."

"I don't have a key," I protested. "And besides, I'm sure he's alright. He'll be up by 2:00 or 3:00."

Anyway, the conversation went on for a while longer. I finally got in touch with Narc by mid-afternoon.

"Narc, you have to call your neighbor off," I told him. "I can't be in the middle. I don't want to be butting into your personal life like that."

He agreed. Then I ventured further.

"And you should probably be careful with the drinking... You don't want to really mess yourself up. I mean-- I don't want to interfere, but I'm worried about you, you know?"

"It's out of my hands, Hyde," he laughed. "There's not much I can do about it either."

His voice was low and hoarse.

"What do you mean?"

"If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die," he answered flatly.

"Narc!" I couldn't believe my ears. "Some things are out of your control, sure... But some things you can change..."

"I'm not going to live my life without a martini," he said. "I'd much rather die than live the kind of life where I can't have a martini with my friends."

"I don't know what to say to that," I answered. "But I'm worried about you."

Suicidal-Narc. I was sad.

Later in the day, I spoke to Brick. He told me that he wasn't going to a meeting.

"Did you go to one yesterday?" I asked.

"No," he laughed.

"What about on Saturday?"

"Nope."

"What are you doing, Brick? Seriously..."

"I don't know," he began. "I just don't know if this is for me anymore."

I was really upset.

"I can't talk to you about this right now," I cut in. "I'll give you a call later, okay?"

"Do you want to hang out later?" he asked me.

"I can't. I'm going to Narc's."

That evening, I set off for Narc's apartment. I got there early-- around 8:00 pm.

(I know what you all must be thinking given the previous night's conversation, but there it is...)

"What are you up to?" I asked Narc as he greeted me at the door.

"Not much... Just taking a little nap."

He wandered back into the bedroom. I followed him, collapsing onto the bed and propping myself up on my elbows.

"So... what do you want to do?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he said, pulling me onto his chest.

We just lay there, not saying anything until his erection was big enough that it prompted my attention and I gave him a blow job. I hate how Narc still tries to be so "covert" about these things and pretend that he wanted to go into the bedroom because he was napping. Not me...

"So... Now what do you want to do?" I asked when I had finished.

He laughed.

We moved into the living room to eat cheap Mexican food and play some board game-- Scene It. Narc was very competitive, so I was glad for him that he won both rounds.

Then, Brick called me. Our conversation basically picked up where it had left off earlier.

"I'm not so sure that AA is for me anymore," he said.

I was getting increasingly agitated.

"Hold on," I told him. "Let me go into the other room."

I moved into Narc's bedroom.

"What is wrong with you?" I cried. "What are you talking about?"

"I drank again on Saturday," he told me. "And I was okay. And I think I'll be okay with just drinking on the weekends."

"Brick?!?!? Have you lost your mind???"

"No! I want to be able to go out and have a social life that I want. And I want to be able to date... I'm young and I'm gay and I want--"

"Don't you think we all want that? But don't you want to live? I feel like you're being suicidal right now!"

Then I started to cry. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe. I was sobbing and heaving on the floor in Narc's bedroom. I'm sure that he heard me in the next room, but he didn't say anything and he didn't come in."

"I love you, Hydey," Brick said. "But I have to figure this out for me."

"I can't be friends with you!" I told him through choked tears. "You are breaking my heart."

At long last, we hung up the phone. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling. I called my sponsor, which helped. Then I called Brick back to tell him that I was sorry for yelling at him and that I love him.

"I'm not mad at you," I said. "I'm just worried and I feel so entirely powerless and it scares me. I don't want to sound 'condescending,' but I'm going to pray for you."

"I love you too," he said.

At that point, I must have been in Narc's bedroom for at least an hour. When I emerged, my eyes were ringed with mascara and my face was red and swollen. He didn't say much about it. I sat down on the couch and he put his feet up on my lap.

"Brick?" he asked.

"I'm afraid he's going to die," I said. "I'm afraid he's going to die just like my dad and he doesn't care."

Narc patted my hand awkwardly.

"Aww. I'm sure he'll be okay," he said, stiffly.

"I just wish I didn't fall so hard in love with the people I love. It hurts so much."

The tears started to roll faster. Narc looked at me as if he were confused.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," he said again. "Pride and Prejudice! Mr. Darcy!" he laughed, gesturing towards the TV.

"Yeah," I sighed.

We both turned to the television, silent for a few minutes. And then--

"I feel anxious," he told me, suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I just have this horrible feeling in my chest."

"What is it? Is there something I can do?"

"Just stay here with me," he said. "I don't know what I'd do if I were alone."

I rubbed his legs for him and then he sat up and I gave him a back rub.

"Are you feeling any better?'

"A little. But I should go to bed soon."

"Okay."

I felt weary.

And so, for the third year in a row, I spent the night before my birthday at Narc's house, in tears.

My birthday itself wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kind of nice. I woke up at Narc's, but took off by 11:00 because B and I had plans to meet for lunch. After lunch, B helped me pick out my Christmas tree (which is really quite giant and beautiful!). Then we went back to my apartment and attempted to sing the Love Duet from Madame Butterfly while waiting for the tree to get delivered. I didn't have time to decorate it before leaving to teach, but that's okay.

B waited in my office (and took a nap) while I taught my second to last class of the semester. Then I came up to meet him and we both headed over to my home group AA meeting.

AA was great last night. Hammer came to the meeting too, as the Tuesday night meeting is an "open" meeting. Meema brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses. I felt really good and positive and surrounded by love. And to top it all off, the main speaker was a famous singer who I have greatly admired for at least ten years. What a birthday surprise! B really loved the meeting and told me that he wanted to come back to another. Afterwards, Hammer and I headed out for dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen.

Originally, when Brick was still planning on being at the meeting, he was supposed to come for dinner too. I left him some messages earlier telling him that I still wanted him to come. But when I called him after the meeting, telling him where to meet, he didn't answer. He basically blew me off completely.

Hammer and I had a fabulous dinner, nonetheless. She regaled me with more stories of her friend, Curly-Q-- an apparent expert at the art of self-victimization. And she gave me a soap with a snowglobe of the Eiffel Tower on the inside of it. (It's kind of hard to explain). After dinner, I walked back to my place and finally got on the phone with Brick.

"What happened to you tonight?" I asked him.

"I felt uncomfortable coming out," he said.

"But it wasn't any AA people," I protested. "It was just me and Hammer!"

"I know, but I still felt uncomfortable."

"Why does your discomfort come before my feelings?" I asked. "I needed you to be there for me on my birthday. It's selfish."

We talked it out for a while more, and I was still really upset and confused, but I realize that there's nothing I can do and it won't help me to stay stuck on this.

"Are you coming to my party on Saturday?" I asked him.

"I'm going to be uncomfortable with the AA people there," he said.

"I need you to be there for me."

He eventually agreed, but told me that he couldn't stay for the entire thing.

Anyway, as my birthday drew to a close, I got some texts from Narc and he turned positively sweet. Here's what he said:

So, how's the tree? Decorated yet?

Hyde: Tree is gorgeous! And huge! (And expensive...) And not yet decorated. How are you?

Narc: Ah yes, the great and epic tree cometh yet again...! As for me, in watching first season of "Deadwood."

Hyde: How is it?

Narc: Great thus far. Only a few episodes in.

Hyde: Only 30 minutes left of celebrating ME!

Narc: Have the rest of your life to celebrate you!! (wink). Never told me what you wanted for your birthday...

Hyde: I don't like to ask for things. I want you to pick something. It'll mean more that way, anyway. It's sweet for you to get me anything at all...

Narc: Will find something great, surely. Bed for this one soon. Sweet dreams. And Happy Birthday again...

Hyde: Thanks. :) Sweet dreams to you too. Will give a call tomorrow...

So, that's a wrap. I'm 28 now.

Happy St. Lucy's Day!

love,
h