Thanksgiving Surprise

So... I don't even know where to start. I'm too exhausted to write, and yet, if I don't write everything will somehow slip away from me. I don't know... maybe that's for the best.

Well, in any case... here we go...

I hadn't heard from Narc at all last week or the week before, unless I complained that I could "take it no more" in which case, I got a mildly placating text in return. It was the same way last Wednesday-- the day I was stuck at home, sick in bed. I felt awful. And in my weakened condition, I called him and left him a voice mail.

"I don't expect to hear back from you... I don't even know why I'm calling," I sighed as I hung up the phone.

I didn't expect it would prompt a response, but it did. We talked for twenty minutes.

"You can pop by any time," he said.

"Oh, really?" I was dubious.

"Yeah, sure."

"So... maybe Friday? Or Saturday?"

"I was thinking more like tonight."

I was sick, sick, SICK, but I couldn't resist him. NDN knew it when he came up here and posted a quickie for me on the blog. We both knew it... I was still sucked in to all that.

I had baked a cake that afternoon for no other reason except that I had a major sugar craving. NDN and I had each had a piece. I decided to bring the rest to Narc...

So... I went.

It was a strange hang out... Kind of a lame hang out. The right energy wasn't there. We played with Narc's new Nintendo Wii and I beat him at the bowling game. I could tell he didn't like that. He told me that he's been hanging with the Exhibitionist again and that she's dating some creepy lawyer just to get him to pay for things like her $700 haircuts, but that she's trying to avoid fucking him for as long as she can. Narc told me the story with a measure of pride-- as if he were a dorky ninth grade boy befriended by a popular girl and wanted to show off about it.

"Narc-- do you realize how disgusting that sounds?" I asked. "What happened to treating people as an ends and not a means? That's a cardinal rule for me. I wouldn't be showing off about my shallowness if I were the Exhibitionist. It's unflattering. I have no respect for that."

I think my response to his story made him feel "awkward."

Anyway, we hung out until 1:00 am or so and then both chugged some NyQuil and headed to bed. At 3:30 in the morning, my phone rang. It was Brick. I crawled out of bed with Narc and headed into the living room, curling up on the couch. Brick was distressed. He had left for Virginia earlier that day to spend Thanksgiving with his sister and her fiancee, but he was having a hard time. His siblings were drinking openly as the "main activity," and his other sister's boyfriend smoked a joint in the car on the way down. We talked through it for a while and then I confessed that I was at Narc's. I wished I could do more for Brick, but had to accept that I couldn't. I'm grateful for his friendship, though. I probably got back to bed at around 4:30 am.

The next morning, I couldn't spend the day with Narc, as it was Thanksgiving. I kissed him goodbye and headed out to Queens where BigSis and Bro-in-Law live. They were planning on driving me to my mom's. It was a nice afternoon. I baked two pumpkin pies. Dinner was at Bro-in-Law's parents house. His niece and nephew, D&D were there and I had a lot of fun playing with the kids. I let them polish my nails and draw "tattoos" all over me with magic marker. Their mother couldn't believe I permitted it, but I enjoyed it. I liked watching them laugh. My cousins Jail and Jol were there too, with my aunt (my mom's sister). And then, of course, there was the usual crowd-- my parents, my sisters and the boys.

Later that night, I was thrilled to get a text from Narc: Thanksgiving at home, just ModelChick and myself. Polished off your cake. It was tres delicious!

Hyde: Yay! Glad I could contribute to your feast. My pumpkin pies were good too. I'm ready to crash now. Hope you're feeling ok. Lots to be thankful for this year. :)

Narc: Still feeling rotten, but NyQuil and sleep soon...

Hyde: Ok. Well, wishing you sweet dreams. I was glad to see you again... Be easy on yourself and enjoy the Zelda.

Narc: Playing Zelda now!

Hyde: Huzzah! Are you the warrior or the wolf?

Narc: Back to my human form. In an epic jousting match right now.

Hyde: Epic? That sounds intense... Good luck. :)

I had planned to stay at my mom's place that night. So there I was-- laying in bed, watching TV, exhausted from my day and filled with a slew of mixed emotions, when the phone rang. It was B. He called to tell me that he was engaged.

I don't really want to get into all of that-- all of the feelings that flooded me. To be honest-- after everything that's happened the past week, I don't have the strength to relive all of that again. But it was hard. I cried and cried and cried. And then I slept.

The next morning, I called my mom to come down and talk to me while I was still in bed. I think I needed a little extra support to get myself up to face the world. But, finally, I took a deep breath, dragged myself up and tried to re-center myself for the day. I had plans to spend the afternoon with my stepbrother, who since the accident has found a new joy in singing. It's clear that the part of his brain that relates to music functions much better than the part of his brain that works for language, and it's a way for him to express himself. My mom and I wanted to take him to my apartment where I could play piano and sing with him through the afternoon.

Before we got there, we stopped off at a music store and picked up some sheet music-- mostly stuff from the '50's and '60's-- stuff that my mom likes to sing with him. My parents have hired an attendant to help with him while he's at their place, and she came with us too.

On our way into the city, I texted Narc again: Gorgeous day today! :)

Narc: Yes, and I will be stuck inside, rescuing princess Zelda!

Hyde: How many hours are you in now?

Narc: About 20. Not even one third!

Hyde: Wow. You are one dedicated man. All for a princess with whom there's no romance! Have fun. I'm headed back to the city in a few hrs...

Narc: The quest is the romance!

Hyde: Very "male" of you to say!

Anyway, when we got to my place, I got to entertain my stepbrother. He is so sweet and I had a lot of fun singing with him. We all ordered in Chinese food. After that, I sang an aria or two for them and my mom was really impressed.

"You have a gift, sweetie, and you have to do something with it," she said.

That felt good.

They all headed out at around 5:00 and I didn't bother to make plans for the evening. I was too tired. I finally spoke to B, though, and after a few tears, I felt grateful for his friendship and his love.

"You are my family," he told me. "I will never, ever, abandon you. Don't be afraid of that just because I'm engaged. I will always be there."

I felt bad that I had to make it about myself and that I couldn't just be purely happy for him, but I really am doing my best. I told him that, and he said that he knows it.

Anyway, I cried a little more that night, just because the tears were in me. Then I went to bed.

The next day, I woke up and went to a "double winners," Alanon/AA meeting. After that, I met B for lunch. We ate at a Chinese place on 3rd avenue-- the same one we used to eat at walking back from school, my first year of the PhD program.

"Remember how excited and intense I was about my research paper, back then?" I asked him.

"Yeah. It used to make me stressed," he laughed, "because I had all those incompletes and a lot of anxiety about doing them."

"My, how the tables have turned!"

I ordered some steaming red bean buns-- the same as I used to eat when B and I lived together.
While we were eating, I saw that I had missed a call from Narc. I also had a text from him.

Heading to ER, he wrote.

I called him back right away. He told me that he had collapsed that morning and that he had called around but none of his friends were there. He didn't want to call an ambulance, but wanted to take a taxi to the ER. I told him that I was having lunch with B, but that I could come if it were an emergency.

"Well, I'm not sure if I have to go," he said. "I may just rest for a bit and then reassess."

"Okay, well keep me posted!" I made him promise. "I'm going to be worried. And of course, if you have to go, I'll come down."

After that, B and I headed back to my place for some afternoon music. He just started taking voice lessons with a new teacher, and while he has always sung baritone, this new teacher thinks he may be a tenor! He was excited about it, so we sang through some music and even foolishly braved the Love Duet from Otello.

All the while, though, I was worried about Narc. I tried calling him a few times, but he didn't answer. I figured that he was playing games with me again. I was getting really anxious, though, and couldn't help myself from obsessing.

"Why don't you just put off thinking about it until 5:00 pm?" B suggested. "Then you can call him again. But you can't let yourself be tortured like this every minute!"

I agreed.

B left my place at around 5:00 and luckily, I heard back from Narc just after that. Thus began the beginning of one of the strangest nights of my life. But, I'm off to an AA meeting now, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for the rest of the story...

hope you are all well.

love,
h