At Home

It's been quite a day today. The "Glitter and Doom" exhibit was incredible and I can't wait to read the catalogue, which I had to buy!


I donned a short dark brown bob wig with a 1920's style crocheted cap and painted my eyes in electric green for the occasion. While I was explaining some of the history to Anxious at the exhibit, a little crowd gathered and I felt like quite the historian!

Even so, things crashed for me tonight. It had to do with a conflict with Brick, but moreso with the fact that I felt invisible to him. Brick relapsed again last weekend and I opened my home and my heart to him and then felt invisible. And I know that Brick cares about me, but it's just that this week with Narc has been so hard... I've been so good to him and I've done everything that he's asked of me, but he still acts like I don't exist. I hear him telling his friends that he "just took a cab" to the emergency room, etc. when I was the one to bring him there, bring him all of things, show up every day, and bring him home. I don't exist.

I don't exist.

I couldn't catch myself tonight on my downward spiral. The crying jag was back with a vengeance. I slashed up my arm in two places. And that scared me. I didn't know what to do. I painted my eye makeup on even thicker and watched it streak down my cheeks. I smoked cigarettes and let the smoke waft up into my eyes and sting them. I painted my lips in a bruised purple. I listened to Roy Orbison and KD Lang sing "Crying" over and over.

And I don't know why I did what I did next, but I did it... God, maybe.

I called a girl from my home group. She was down on the Lower East Side hearing a band. She went outside so she could hear me and stayed on the phone with me. She told me that she was going to make a house call and asked if she could bring two other home group members that were with her. I don't know why I agreed, but I said okay.

They got here at about 10:45. They sang a little with me and gave me candy and laughed and didn't ask once why I was crying. It didn't matter anymore. We sat up and played trivial pursuit until 2:00 am. They were all tired, but they didn't leave. So, my living room was full. It was full of life and new friends. I can't explain it... but I know that they know where I was at that night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that they helped me feel "a part of." At home in my home.

I'm still tired from all the crying. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.

But, wow... When I first joined my home group, a girl told me I "never had to be alone again if I didn't want to be." I don't think I really believed her, or even thought about it. But, now I do. And I hope I can be there for someone else...

love,
h

PS: More N drama, of course, but in the spirit of the evening, I'm going to let it go for now...