Pre-Christmas, Take VIII

Today B and I had our eighth annual "pre-Christmas," "day of Friendship" celebration. Our tradition started in 1999-- our first holiday together as a "couple." B planned a "day of Romance" for me, including dinner at the Russian Tea Room and a horse and carriage ride through Central Park. (I think we also saw "Snow Falling on Cedars" that year.) Anyway, we repeated it for the subsequent two years of our relationship, adding events like going to see the tree at Rockefeller Center, finding a Christmas concert or two, etc. And then, when we broke up, we still kept the tradition, dubbing it, instead, our "day of Friendship." We also always exchange ornaments on that day. My third post ever on the Annals describes our sixth "day of Friendship." And today was the eighth!

I woke up this morning at Narc's. Well... let me backtrack a bit. Yesterday morning I gave the last of my final exams. I spent the afternoon reading The Winter Queen, a birthday gift from Bezoukhoff. It was a quick and entertaining read. Narc and I were texting a bit throughout the afternoon. Then, in the evening, I got a message from Brick.

R we still friends? he wrote.

I honestly don't know how to be your friend, I answered.

Brick: That makes me sad... but i understand...

Hyde: I am sad too, and hurting very much.

Brick: I love u my dear... just wasn't into your home group...

Hyde: This wasn't about my home group. But you can tell yourself that if you want.

And so, I suppose, that's the end of that. My heart is really broken over this. But even broken hearts heal. And there's nothing I can do to help him right now. I just have to try to make it through the holidays and stay strong.

In the meanwhile, it sent me into a deep depression last night. I wanted to go to Cheers. I put on my makeup and was seriously going to go. But, I guess it's true what they say about "a belly full of booze and a head full of AA." I kept hearing that line from Chapter 7 of the Big Book-- "our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there."

IF WE HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR BEING THERE.

Why was I going to Cheers? Because I was sad. I wanted to get out. O-U-U-U-U-T!!! I wanted to break something. I wanted to break myself. I wanted to MAKE Brick undo what he did... or at least care that he did it. I wanted to see Narc, but couldn't orchestrate it or make him take my calls. Because I felt powerless to help Brick and abandoned and betrayed and uncared for. Because Narc controls everything and is engaged to someone else. Because I wanted to go to the bar. I just wanted to go. I had no legitimate reason.

I sent Narc a text.

As for me-- restless. Popping over to Cheers. Sure it won't be satisfying though...

A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there...

Narc wrote back rather quickly:

Can come down here if you like. Bring book and cookies!!

(I had previously promised to bring Narc The Winter Queen and some cookies left over from my party.)

So, I passed on Cheers and, instead, went to Narc.

It was a fun night. He taught me how to play Zelda on his high def screen with his Nintendo Wii. It took me a little while to get used to the controls and the whole concept of the game (I am stuck in the original Super Mario Brothers era when it comes to video games) but I played for about two hours that flew by. Narc of course, was at my side helping me figure out what to do next. I think he liked teaching me. And I can definitely see how this stuff can become addictive.

That night in bed was strange. We both "went to sleep" without any ceremony or sexual contact, but neither of us was really asleep and there was a lot of tension. Then, it finally tipped and we started making out, but Narc didn't want to have actual intercourse. I kept thinking of what he said back in July of 2005--that he didn't think blow jobs "counted" as sex and that it's only intercourse that "makes me emotional." So, it bothered me that he wouldn't fuck me.

"I don't know if I'm up for it, in the shape that I'm in," he said.

It's true-- he had just recently been hospitalized and then had to go back to the ER after a difficult flight of stairs... I had no choice but to let it go. It was hard for me to sleep though. I kept worrying about it... about what it meant... About whether or not it meant that he didn't "count" me in yet another way because we hadn't had actual intercourse since before he went to the hospital... Wait... can that be true? I tried to go back over each and every incident in my head. Come to think of it, I've given him a hell of a lot of blow jobs, but we haven't had sex.

But, he tried to get you to come down there to fuck him two nights before your birthday when he called you drunk...

Yeah, but he was drunk, so he didn't know what he was saying...

Do you think he thinks he's been "faithful" to PopStarChick because he isn't having intercourse with you?!?

No! He can't rationalize doing "everything but" as being faithful...

I tried my best to quiet my mind, but I lay there for a long time in the dark being a moron and obsessing on this way more than I should have. And then, at last, sleep came.

In the morning, it was all put to rest because he fucked me and had a coughing fit afterwards and I felt bad. He was really out of breath.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah. I just need to rest for a few minutes," he said.

His face was red. Like I said-- I felt really bad. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed him.

(But there's my craziness again-- you DIDN'T push him, Hyde... You didn't pressure him or anything and it's not your fault he's sick.)

Ugh! Enough about all that. This was supposed to be a post about my pre-Christmas with B! I better get on with it...

Narc said that he would be spending the day alone "watching more Season 2 of 24." He said to call him later, and I understood that he may want me to come back that night.

So, I left Narc's place just before 11:00 and met B up at my apartment in time for lunch. We ate at a Chinese place on my block and then walked over to Hallmark so B could pick out an ornament for me (I got his a few weeks ago). B's nickname for me has always been "kuting" (or a variation on it) which means "kitten" in Tagalog and he got me a really cute ornament of a rascal kitten with her paws in a jar labeled "treats." I got him a carved wooden angel (that sort of looks like him) holding a rose-- a reference to something personal in our past...

We could have run around the city doing all of our Christmas-y things, but both of us just felt like relaxing. So we got some coffee from Dunkin Donuts and headed back to my place. We played piano and sang for a while and then B told me that his favorite tenor of the moment is Carreras. I asked him to "please explain." He played me Carreras singing Non piangere Liu. Go listen to it... It's got the darkness of Domingo but the ring of Pavarotti and the tears of Jon Vickers. Damn. 'Nuff said.

After that, we listened to huge chunks of the Karajan/Pavarotti/Freni Boheme. Then we watched Old Boy on DVD-- that kick ass Korean movie I saw in the theaters in Summer, '05. After that, I showered and changed while B read a magazine in my room and we listened to Les Mis and acted silly acting out the scenes and laughing at the parts we've always laughed at. It was such a nice day for me.

Before I had to head off to AA, we grabbed a quick dinner at the pizza place and then I went up to my meeting. During dinner Narc texted me and so I wrote back asking me if he wanted me to come back down there and he said no-- that he would be "writing." It hurt-- just a sting, but it still hurt. Whatever... I always set myself up for rejection with him...

I sat with Meema and Bartelby at the meeting and afterwards, the three of us went out for dinner once again to the California Pizza Kitchen. As I had already eaten with B, I didn't partake of any food. It was a nice dinner, though, and I felt close to both of them. I was able to have fun and put my sadness about Brick and my frustration with Narc out of my mind for the moment.

And now it is night time and I'm home.

Tomorrow, the Annals of Mr. Hyde will officially be two years old! I want to write a "year in review" post, but I don't know if I'll have the time to do it tomorrow. I may have to do in on Saturday and just cheat and back-date it a day... We'll see...

I hope you all have a good night!

Another year gone by... Wow.

love,

h