Happy Birthday to Me?

Happy Birthday to Me?

So far, it hasn't been a very happy one...

I brought in the big day with Narc down at The Patriot. He ignored me for half the night and I ended up talking to a guy named Ismail, which of course made Narc jealous and fueled his self-righteousness when he said that I don't care about him and that I'm a whore.

Later we went back to his place and he told me that he is suicidal. He told me he is going to throw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge and that he already brought himself to the brink once. I started to cry. He told me to quit my hysterics.

"You're just being dramatic!" he said. "You're just trying to make it all about yourself, Hyde. You're being a stupid bitch! Stop it! This is not about you!"

I told him he could call me at any moment day or night if he ever felt that way. EVER!

"Please Narc! Please call me! I'll be there for you, I promise. I don't want anything bad to happen to you! And you should know that someone loves you. I wish you could understand how much you matter to me!"

"You? You want me to depend on you? That's a joke!" he said.

"No, it's no joke, Narc. You don't know how much I love you. You don't want to open your fucking eyes!"

"Fine... So I guess you and CouchSleeper are the only ones who give a shit!"

Then he laughed at me and told me that I don't really love him, but that I just like to hear the sound of my own voice saying "I love you."

"You always have to be the fucking martyr, Hyde. You're pathetic!"

He pushed me. I cried harder. It seemed to make him angrier. He wanted to be mean. He wanted to make more tears. So he told me that I could expect him to die and disappear at any moment. He knows I have issues with death and abandonment.

"It's going to happen," he said. "It's only a matter of when. You'll never know when it's coming..."

I became hysterical. I buried my head in the couch. My makeup ran everywhere. I couldn't breathe. He just looked at me with disdain.

Then he got colder and colder and angrier and angrier at me. At 6:00 am he decided he had had enough. He went into his room and closed the door, locking me out. I pounded on the door in tears, begging to be let in.

"No! Fuck you! Sleep out there or go away," he said.

"Please, Narc! Please! PLEASE let me come in there with you! I just want to be near you."

Finally he opened the door. He got into bed and turned his back to me. When I tried to hug him in bed, he gave me a hard shove.

"Stay the fuck away from me," he said.

I tried to figure out what I had done wrong.

He faced the wall and clutched his stuffed penguin. (He loves penguins, for some reason.)

This morning when I woke up, I kissed him on his shoulders and on his back. (He was still facing the wall). My head hurt, my eyes stung and I had missed my therapy appointment.

"I hope you're feeling better, Narc," I said. "Are you feeling any better?"

He was asleep, but he could hear me. He shook his head "no."

"Well, today's my birthday, remember?"

He took my hand and pulled me in near him. He squeezed my hand. It was sweet.

"I have to go now, Narc," I said. "But call me later, okay?"

He grunted something.

"You'll call me later?"

He nodded his head "yes." His eyes were still closed.

I looked in the mirror. I looked like a 27-year-old version of "hell." I left him a note on his computer desk.

Narc,

Our conversation last night made me very, very sad. You kind of scared the shit out of me. I hope you know that you can always call me. I know you said that you don't think I'm genuine, but I am.

Today is my birthday.

All my love,

Hyde

PS: I'm going to Rolf's tonight for dinner! :)
PPS: You said that you'd call me later, so please do. (love you...)

And that was that.

I spoke to Hammer in the cab on my way home. She told me to stop putting my energy into this. To stop letting it consume everything else that matters in my life.

Right now, I just have to get rid of this headache. B will be here in an hour and I don't want to look drunk or hungover for him. It's supposed to be my birthday. It's supposed to be about me today. I can't run on such little sleep anymore. I just can't. My body is going to physically give out one of these days.

Happy Birthday to Hyde.

-h-