The PunyBoy and the Day I Declared My Love for Narc

co-written by Hyde and Hammer

Hyde: One year ago today Hammer and I found ourselves having an interesting evening! My, how time flies! She had a out-of-town visitor, known between us as "the PunyBoy" and I told Narc that I loved him for the very first time.

Hammer: I had been to a wedding the weekend before, where I sat next to a nice boy that I recognized from my youth. He had blue eyes and blonde hair along with a Mikhail Baryshnikov-esque face (or so my drunk vision told me). We drank and drank at the wedding and then somehow, his BMW ended up pulling into my parents' driveway before we made out briefly on my bed. Why did I hook up with him in the first place, even though I had the Wizard? I had issues with the Wizard's age, and I wanted to meet someone my own age and creed, or so I thought. At the time, the small form that I felt through his boxer shorts (less than average size) didn't bother me in my drunken state. He vowed to visit me in NY. Little did I know that he meant he was coming 5 days later.

Hyde: While this was going on, I was seeing SeattleGuy who was nice enough, but bored me to tears. Narc and I were into our pattern of late-night rendezvous, but he was still refusing to do anything else, he didn't even take me to brunch the next mornings. Nevertheless, I found myself falling for him and it started to feel weird every time I slept with SeattleGuy.

Hammer: I was seeing the Wizard and PunyBoy's impending visit weighed heavily on my mind. The Wizard knew something was up, and the night before PunyBoy's arrival, he exploded in the worst breakup scenario I've ever seen-- yelling at me, calling me a slut, etc. He was angry and heartbroken. When he walked up 5th avenue and I walked down 5th avenue, I felt a strong sense of emptiness and regret. Let's just put it this way-- I was not looking forward to PunyBoy's arrival.

Hyde: While Hammer was fighting with the Wizard on 5th avenue, I was on yet another mediocre date with SeattleGuy. It was so mediocre that I don't even remember the details. I just know that he slept over my place and we went for brunch the next day. He made some weird comment about black nannies taking care of white babies in NY and how it was bad for family values. I was starting to be sure I wanted to ditch this guy.

Hammer: So, just as Hyde was brunching with her mediocre fellow that Friday morning, mine was exiting his plane. Thankfully he didn't make me meet him at the airport. As he walked up my street, one word came to mind-- MINGER! Before a word came out of his mouth, or the first embrace, I knew that I didn't want him there, but that I would be stuck with him for 48 hours. I brought him to my coffee shop, after which I would begin the first of many excuses about my "busy, busy" life that would continue throughout the weekend.

Hyde: So on Friday morning, I got a desperate call from Hammer. It was a high-pitched plea for help.

"Hyde! Help! You have to help me get this PunyBoy off my hands!"

"Why? I thought you liked him! What's wrong?"

"Look-- all I have to say is that his plane reading was a bright orange book about building abs. He brought his own peanut butter-- he only uses organic peanut butter and jelly and thereby claims to be a healthy eater!"

Hammer was at school for a Friday morning class. Afterwards, there was a talk going to be given by a visiting historian who had just completed some work on the post-WWI minority treaties. Hammer had sent the PunyBoy away to explore ground zero (his first choice of "tourist" attractions), and I agreed to meet her at school so that we could gossip about boys before she would have to see the Puny again.

Hammer: I tried to come up with all manner of plans to avoid being alone with him. I begged Hyde to include me and Puny in her evening plans, which was to see a Weimar-era film, The Blue Angel. Of course, I was interested, but this type of film doesn't usually appeal to people who read orange books on abs. Any strategy I could come up with to absolutely not kiss or sleep with him was good for me. I brought him to a diner-- a true NY experience, downtown. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. We were having a late lunch. B eing in the Village in Manhatten, there are so many people everywhere. He asked me with a straight face,

"Why aren't any of these people at work?"

I tried not to betray my reaction to that comment and answered him very politely-- that they were students, or maybe they got off early because it was a Friday. Then we got back to my place. He had an all night flight the night before, so I offered him a nap in my bed. That meant that I had to come up with any excuse to not be in the apartment. I feigned doing some homework for a while on my computer (aka reading blogs) and then quickly put on my running shoes and diligently went out for a very long jog. Somehow, my normal laziness had been completely overcome! By the time I made it back to my place, the lights were out and he was on the phone. I could hear him talking and he was saying nice things about me. But too bad-- there wasn't much time left before we had to get ready for services. Phew! Hyde and I spoke on the phone and I asked the PunyBoy if he might be interested in seeing The Blue Angel. He said,

"I want to do everything!"

So, I took that as a "yes."

Hyde: In the meantime, B and I made our plans to get tickets. B and Hammer had never met before, and he was a little nervous about meeting my new best friend from school. B is totally type A and was freaking out that they would never have enough time to make there on the subway coming all the way from the Upper West Side. We took our seats and saved two seats behind us for Hammer and the Puny.

Hammer: Meanwhile, PunyBoy was having a joyous time at services. Then he bought me an expensive sushi dinner at Neo. During that dinner, he told me that I wouldn't have to pay for anything the entire weekend. It was really nice of him. We headed to the Anthology Film Archives down in the East Village and met Hyde and B there.

Hyde: The movie was great.

Hammer: Yes, it was great! The PunyBoy actually seemed to follow it, German and all! And he rubbed my leg during the movie.

Hyde: More on the movie another time. Afterwards, we we wanted to go for drinks and bar snacks. B was cranky, and I could tell, as he and I can read each other like a book. As for the much anticipated PunyBoy--I can't really remark that I remember anything standing out about him.

Hammer: I didn't know B at all, but I could tell he wasn't happy with the PunyBoy there. All three of us are academic types and the PunyBoy was just not used to talking about the same kind of stuff. The things he brought up seemed really sophomoric. B said he might want to go home. (I later found out the reasons for that from Hyde). I have to say-- Hyde was a very encouraging friend and was open-minded about the PunyBoy, trying to make it work with him. Meanwhile, my heart-strings were being pulled by the Wizard.

Hyde: We settled in at some kind of sports bar. There was basketball game on TV-- the infamous Pistons/Pacers game that exploded into a huge on-the-court fight. Meanwhile, B and I were having a fight of our own. I was kicking him under the table to put a smile on his face, and he was really angry at me for ordering an alcoholic beverage. He refuses to hang out with me when I drink, which is normally not a problem for me, but in this case, I thought he should let it go, as it was an awkward situation-- B and Hammer meeting for the first time, and the uncomfortable situation with what Hammer calls the "awkward growth"-- PunyBoy. I got so upset at B for not putting on a polite face that I pulled him away from the table and we fought in another area of the restaurant.

Hammer: While they were away, PunyBoy was paranoid that my friends didn't like him.

"They're just in a fight!" I explained.

"No, they really don't like me!"

Self-centered dork!

Hyde: After the fight with B, he decided to leave. I returned to the table to meet Hammer and the PunyBoy. The conversation was certainly lackluster. Puny made some particularly embarassing remarks. Then he commented that we were both history PhD's, but proceeded to volunteer his own opinions about historical matters of which he was clearly misinformed. For example, he maintained that WWI and WWII were both "caused" by the French.

Hammer: Oh, and by the way-- he's a Republican. Remember the whole "freedom fries" thing? PunyBoy thought it was a good idea.

Hyde: Hammer and I were both determined to get drunk to make the evening more bearable.

Hammer: We decided to go across the street to KGB bar where we could be a little more childish, once B was gone. Hyde being the loyal friend that she is, stayed with me and Puny--my weekend appendage, so I wouldn't be stuck alone with him. My overwhelming feeling was that I didn't like him, but that I should like him. And I needed to be nice to him in any case, as I was stuck with him for at least 48 hours. I vowed to drink as many gin and tonics as I could, without throwing up, so that I could pass out when we got home and not have to deal with having sex with the small but horny dick.

Hyde: Yes, Hammer was drinking Sapphire and Tonics, if I recall. She and I were getting really giggly and acting silly. At around 2:30 am I decided to drunk-text the Narc.

Hammer: It was that late?

Hyde: Yeah, because you guys left and we were there til after closing but we only stayed for an hour or two...

Hammer: Oh, yeah.

Hyde: Anyway, Narc answered my text that he was nearby in the East Village. To understand how crazy that was-- at the time, Narc never answered my texts. I would only ever hear from him on his initiation.

Hammer: Yeah... Like things have really changed.

Hyde: Yeah, Hammer- you've really changed too. Anyway, I was thrilled. I called him and invited him to stop by KGB bar. Hammer and I were so excited because none of my friends had ever met the Narc. When the Narc arrived, he sat down and ended up talking to Puny.

Hammer: The Narc had a red beard. He looked like a regular guy. But he was surrounded by so much myth and legend from Hyde that I didn't know what to do. He played his cards close to his vest as he begrudgingly conversed with PunyBoy. Puny was our collective embarassment-- a liability. The two people that were most important to Hyde-- B and Narc, had to meet the Puny and I felt embarassed that he was representing me.

Hyde: Hammer and I went off to the side and were giggling while Narc and the Puny chatted it up. Eventually, Hammer and the PunyBoy decided to take off, as it was quite late and Hammer was so drunk that she couldn't even take a sip of her last drink. Not a problem for me and Narc-- when they left, we polished off all of the drinks remaining on the table. Seriously-- there were six glasses, we didn't know what was in them or who they belonged to, but we drank them all anyway. We stayed until after hours and they let us light up and smoke in there. Sweet!

Hammer: Wait, I was there when you were smoking! I think I had a cigarette.

Hyde: Oh yeah! I ran to the deli to buy some more. Anyway, this is where our stories part ways. I went on to have the best night ever with Narc while Hammer continued her Puny-weekend.

Hammer: When Puny and I got out of the cab at my house, I do remember feeling quite drunk. I was too lazy to address the issue of giving him the sheets to make up the couch. I just got into bed and went to sleep in my clothes. He got into bed next to me. I was already unconscious so I was saved by the "drunk" bell.

Hyde: Narc and I headed back towards his place. He wanted to buy wine and I wanted to visit his rooftop for the first time. Hence, we agreed to drink on the roof. The details of the rest of the evening are in my memory and for me alone-- too much to go into here, but the basic rundown is this-- I told Narc that I was having all sorts of doubts about seeing other people and that I really only wanted to be with him.

"Well, do what you want to do," he said. "I'm not telling you what to do either way. But I haven't slept with anyone except for you since I met you."

"It's not about who you have or haven't slept with," I said, "It's about being in a relationship with each other or not. It's getting confusing to me because I love you."

"Well, do what you want, like I said." he answered.

"Fine. What I want is to be with you. And that's what I'm going to do."

From that moment on, I was devoted to Narc. Things with SeattleGuy and all of my little romances that autumn were terminated. The Narc would be my sole love. Narc and Narc alone. Narc for Narc's sake.

Other events on the roof-- we had all sorts of sex up there. Once, months later I brought it up to him and tried to remind him of that night of first-love.

"Wasn't that the night I fucked your ass on the roof?" he asked me. Typical! (You can read about that conversation here.)

Hammer: So as you can see, not much has changed. I'm still in love with the Wizard and fighting it. Hyde is still in love with Narc, and fighting it. The Wizard is still in love with me, and fighting it. And Narc is still in love with Hyde and fighting it.

Hyde: Right. So one year later on November 19th, Hammer and I are sitting in my apartment, eating lasagna and blogging this for you.

THE END.

Hyde: PS-- Hammer and I are coming up with ways to stalk the Arch for absolutely no reason. Don't worry-- we probably won't do any of it.

Hammer: We might!