"Future is obviously a value concept"

Last night there was such a romantic post stirring in me. The moon was full and the sky clear-- so clear that the moon's surface was visible--murky shadows and patches of grey. My face upturned, peering out the windows of the M11 bus, a wispy cloud or two snaking through the city lights, struggling towards the howling moon. Well, maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but it felt like Gotham City. Compounding the aesthetic of the moment were the gloomy electric blue lights atop the Empire State Building. Vivid and glaringly nightmarish, I imagined myself in a Kirchner painting.

"Blue," I thought. "The color of death." (At least according to what I learned about Emily Dickinson in 11th grade English class-- With Blue--uncertain stumbling Buzz--Between the light--and me--And then the Windows failed--and then I could not see to see).

I thought of Frank Sinatra. "Old Blue Eyes" and I shared a birthday; growing up, the building turned blue on the Twelfth of December without fail.

This afternoon, I'm no longer in such a romantic mood. Instead, swimming in the harsh light of reason, I'm forced to contemplate this morning's therapy session. Such an unpleasant intrusion on a girl's fantasy life, wouldn't you agree!

But of course, it's brought me to think about Narc and to think about what it is that I think about Narc. Primarily, my therapist was prompting me to look at my reactions to Narc. She doesn't think I respond appropriately to the facts of our relationship. She thinks I internalize him as an invented construction, the product of my rich imagination.

So, what? I wanted to ask her. So, what if I do? I don't care. I love him.

Nevermind. I didn't have the energy for her answer.

In any case, do you think it's strange that the readings for my Holocaust class have become useful tools as I think about my screwed up personal life? Am I that self-absorbed? Or are such comparisons a natural segway for a person whose life is necessarily consumed by ideas about the past?

Last week we discussed the "religious rush" of violence. But what I latched onto was the idea that violence can be used to create a boundary where there is anxiety about a lack of boundaries. Violence enforces "difference" upon the body of the victim, especially useful when there is fear of "merging."

(This, mind you, is something I will never fully understand, as the merging of two, sublimated a la Schopenhauer and/or Wagner is something that I would unequivocally welcome).

In any case, Bernd Weisbrod writes:

The hunting down of that enemy is everywhere closely allied with the theme of deception, treachery, betrayal, secrecy, and ultimate revelation. This was the case with the Stalinist show trials and their enforced confessions just as with the Nazi obsession to "know" the Jew as pretender by marking his or her body and extinguishing its very matter... The deceitful enemy within the national body could be detected with 'dead certainty' only by the use of violence...

He goes on to point out:

Acts of violence are thus experienced as existential acts, in which the threshold of the self is crossed... They are performative self-acts which need an audience and usually follow the established pattern of revelation.

Violence in my personal relationships is not a topic I feel entirely comfortable discussing publicly. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions. But understanding violence as the attempt to assert one's selfhood and to distance oneself from the threat of invasion by the "other" makes a lot of sense to me on an interpersonal level.

"The charisma is in the violence, not in the belief system, whether secular or not."

(Charismatic violence... Also making sense to me).

This week we read a different sort of article--Jean Amery's Resentments from At the Mind's Limits. Again, I had to think of Narc. Amery is right in that the "resentful" person isn't well liked. Resentment, bitterness, is unflattering. But Narc is resentful, and rightfully so. He has been grievously wronged in ways that I can't go into here.

Amery explains that "resentment blocks the exit to the genuine human dimension, the future. I know that the time-sense of the person trapped in resentment is twisted around, dis-ordered, if you wish, for it desires two impossible things: Regression into the past and nullification of what happened."

Resentment blocks the exit to the genuine human, dimension, the future.

He continues:

It is impossible for me to accept a parallelism that would have my path run beside that of the fellows who flogged me with a horse-whip. I do not want to become the accomplice of my torturers; rather, I demand that the latter negate themselves and in the negation coordinate with me.

I demand that the latter negate themselves and in the negation coordinate with me.

But what happens when it is unclear who "the torturers" are? What if they no longer exist? Must the whole world negate itself for the resentful to experience relief?

Narc insists upon such negation. He demands negation. He demands coordination with himself. There is no room for flexibility. Most people won't do it for him. I try to. And quite often, I've been sucessful. But this poses a whole new set of problems--once negated, I am a threat, for I've managed to get "too close." Alas! The danger of merging! The need for him to enforce difference.

Poor Narc! The world can not bend for him and when it does, he can not accept it. Resentment demands humility from others alongside a mistrust of the humbled.

In July, Narc writes: Why am I surrounded by the people that I am? And why do I feel like I don't have an authentic relationship with any of them? And never have? And never will?

And it breaks my heart.

Is this a fantasy of mine?

Which brings me back to my therapy session this afternoon.

I can't seem to untangle how it is that I filter out so much of what occurs. Do I choose to only selectively embrace those pieces that complement my fragile but beautiful narrative? Am I deluding myself? Or have I uncovered a truth that penetrates deeper than that towards which his actions seem to speak?

Narc arrived back from Europe on October 6th. I didn't hear a word from him until the 16th. "Back," he wrote. Just one word-- Back.

"It doesn't bother me," I told my therapist. "It's presumptuous of him, yes, but it's typical. I feel soft towards him. Affection, I guess you could say. I guess I find it somewhat amusing."

"Amusing?!?" she exclaimed, "It's tragic!" "

"Hmm... Tragic?" I thought, "I think I like that even better!"

I don't know... I'm still feeling all fucked up in the head, but it's okay. Hammer and I have been talking about relationships a lot lately, as she's in transition, and I think it's been helping me as well.

In other news, guess what? I got a call from the Stallion! I know, I know... Long time, no see! The last time I even spoke to the Stallion was the second week in July. The last time I saw him was the first week in May, the night that he strangely told me that he "loves me." (Somehow, I don't think so).

Anyway, here's what he said:

Hey, what's up Hyde? How you doin'? It's the Stallion! I guess give me a call back when you get this message. I wanna maybe catch up with you-- see how everything's going. I hope everything's going well. You know you're awesome and all... So, my new number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Okay? And I'll talk to you soon.

I guess it's good to know he's still somewhere in my orbit. I don't particularly feel the urge to see him right now, as I'm in love with Narc, and can't quite take any more complications, but it's nice to know he's there if I want him to be.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've thought enough about all of this for one day. Time to get some reading done for class and then I'm off to a voice lesson. Tonight I have choir practice. I hope my voice holds up. It was sitting kind of low this morning. I really have to start taking better care of myself.

later...

h