Invitations

All of the activity and lack of sleep this weekend has me completely wiped out. I feel like I look entirely bleary. Yuck.

Yesterday my mom woke me up after only four hours of sleep. We loaded up the car and headed out to NJ for the Christening. I always feel a little strange going back to the town where I spent the first few years of my life. My early childhood feels like a dream to me-- imagined. Going back there and spending time with our former neighbors is like being in a room full of people who can all see your imaginary friend. And all of it is little warped-- they're children in my memory and adults in reality, but my memories of my dad never move. He can never age. And the town still looks the same. It's eerie. So time is both frozen and fluid and I always get a strange feeling that I can't quite describe... Something uncanny.

Anyway, I called Narc when I got back to the city last night, as I said I would, and as expected, he didn't answer. I tried to put it out of my mind. NDN and I ate fried chicken for dinner (which was delicious) and then we went for a walk. While we were strolling up Second Avenue, Hammer called to invite me out.

"Why don't you and Narc come meet me and the Wizard at Corner Bistro?"

"What??? I'm not with Narc right now."

"So? Call him!"

"He's not going to answer! But I'll try... I'll call him anyway."

We hung up and I placed the requisite call to Narc.

"Hey, Narc, it's me again. It's 8:00 on Sunday. I know I already left you a message tonight, but we have a little invitation-- Hammer and the Wizard wanted to know if you wanted to meet up at the Corner Bistro tonight. Anyway, give me a call when you get this. Bye."

NDN and I continued on our way. We were on a quest for white or rose wine (which can be hard to come by on a Sunday, as the liquor stores are closed). But I was feeling exhausted and was determined to "indulge" in my shower.

NDN and I were both obsessing-- him about his apartment search, and I, about Narc. Once I had placed that second phone call, I was nervous about whether or not he would call me back. I couldn't seem to wipe it from my train of thought. In any case, we found the wine, bought some ice cream and headed back to our building.

I have to say, my shower was disappointing-- I downed the entire bottle and wasn't even tipsy, so I didn't really get the desired effect. I guess it's a sign I've been drinking too much this year. I used to be able to get delightfully tipsy on only half a bottle. I felt cheated.

Anyway, I went about getting ready for bed and settling in when around 12:30 am, he called! Yay! He called! He said he hadn't called earlier because he was in the movies seeing Jarhead (which apparently wasn't very good). He told me that he would have accepted that night's invitation if only he had gotten the message sooner. He suggested that we reschedule.

"Well, when is good for you? I mean, you're a little hard to pin down, Narc."

"Later in the week, I guess. I'm busy with meetings and stuff through Wednesday," he said.

"Okay..."

"But I'll give you a call later in the week."

We said good night and I was happy. I couldn't believe he called back! So that means, he sent me a text (albeit at 5:00 am) on Thursday night, we got together on Friday night, he called me on Saturday night, and he returned my call on Sunday night.

Strange...

Today I haven't been feeling so well because of the utter exhaustion. I did my best to get some work done and mustered my way through a mediocre voice lesson. I also spent a good chunk of the afternoon putting together an Evite for my birthday party in a month. So far, I've got about 65 people on the guest list. I know some of them won't come (a couple of them even live out of town), but even so, I don't know how I'm going to squeeze them all into my apartment, let alone get my apartment cleaned up over the next month.

And then there's the issue of whether or not to invite Narc.

Here's the dilemma--

If I invite Narc to the party, and he actually shows up, it is going to be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. The only of my friends he's ever met in person are Hammer, NDN, and some of the folks at Cheers. However, almost everyone has heard of him, and they all pretty much hate him. (I know that if B ever met him in person, he would say something to let Narc knows how he feels...)

If I don't invite Narc to the party, it sends the worst kind of message. Narc likes to pretend that I don't exist or that our "relationship" doesn't exist in the "real" world. I don't want to confirm that message for him. I don't want to be complicit with his keeping our relationship a separate part of life. I want to normalize things-- to say "look, we're friends. I invited you to my party, just like I invited all of my other friends. So stop being so strange about things. And stop being so threatened by my existence!"

In an ideal situation, I would invite him, but he would decline. That way, I would be true to myself towards him, but would be able to avoid any discomfort at the party. But I can't count on him declining.

So what should I do?

I sent out the Evite leaving him off the list. I can always add him later.

Tomorrow it's back to the grindstone for another hellishly long Tuesday.

I feel ill prepared.

-h-