Aching Sweetness

Even though this post says Sunday, I'm writing it late Saturday night...

Today has been sweet to me. Last night was sweet too. And I'm happy. I'm not saying it's permanent or lasting on any level. I'm just content right now and it feels good. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to post again until Sunday night, but I'm at my parents' house and everyone has gone to bed except for me, so I thought I'd try to sneak something in...

Last night...

Last night was both very difficult (when it comes to the dinner with B) and simply wonderful (when it comes to my evening with Narc). I was so nervous to meet B's girlfriend. I really don't want to go into it all that much here, as B doesn't like when I write about him. But, I will tell you a little.

I got dressed as beautifully as I could without over-doing it. Then I stopped at Cheers for a few drinks to help take the edge off. The only problem was I had forgotten to eat anything all day. I had just been running around all afternoon and never got around to it. So I had one glass of Chardonnay and two glasses of Jack Daniels, which for me normally wouldn't make too much of a dent, but all of a sudden I was feeling drunk, and due to meet them for dinner. I called Hammer in a half-panic, riding the bus down Second Avenue. She assured me that I sounded fine. So I willed myself into a more "sober" state and did my best. At the dinner itself, I talked up a storm. As soon as I had some food in my stomach, the alcohol started to wear off, which was a good thing. I think I did a pretty decent job of making everyone comfortable and keeping the conversation active. I joked with B's girlfriend as if we were old friends. Even so, the rich and intense history between me and B was clear, as almost everything that came up had a reference for us. ("Didn't we see that movie the time that..." "You used to love going there..." "That was the book you gave me right before you went home for the month..." etc.) I'm sure it was threatening to her, but there's nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, that's all I really want to say about that.

Narc had suggested that I call him when I was finished with dinner. I did so, but he didn't pick up the phone. I tried his cell phone and he didn't answer that either. Was he blowing me off? I suddenly felt rejected and a little despondent (I think because of the sensitive nature of everything with B) and so I decided to go home. Once there, I plopped onto the couch and started to doze off in front of the TV. I called Narc twice more, leaving a message. My phone rang once, but it wasn't him. I let it go to voice mail. It was Candy (the woman I met at Cheers in early October who took her clothes off at my place and lounged on my bed while we talked). Anyway, she wanted to know if I would come meet up with her at Cheers.

Just when I was starting to sink into despair, the phone rang again. This time it was Narc. Yes! He told me that he had been dropping off some orange juice for a sick friend and had left his phone at home.

"I'm home now, though, if you want to come down," he said.

"I'll be right there!"

On the way there, I poked my head into Cheers and said hello to Candy. I only stayed for five minutes though. I didn't want it to cut into my time with Narc.

It was the start of a genuinely sweet night. Narc answered the door and greeted me with a kiss. He wasn't his usual naked self. Instead, he was wearing black pants and a black button-down shirt. The shirt was loose and kind of rumpled and halfway opened. He looked decadent and I liked seeing his chest hair. I thought it was sexy. Anyway, he was in the middle of playing some kind of Vampire video game.

"Do you mind waiting a few minutes for me to finish this level?" he asked. "Then I can entertain you."

"Not at all," I said. "I have to email some students about their midterms anyway. Can I go in your room and use the computer?"

It felt nice just to be together, each doing our own little thing. He kept calling out to me from the living room, trying to carry on a conversation while I was working. It was cozy.

When I finished, I watched him finish up the last bit of his game and then we settled in on the couch together, chatting and channel-surfing. He wanted something sweet and ordered in some ice cream (among other things), but I passed. I told him that I'm trying to get my sugars back under control. I think that both of us are trying to stay a little healthier. It's weird. We used to be such a high drama couple, but last night was so normal. Somehow, passing on the ice cream embodied that for me. I didn't have to eat it just because Narc was eating it. And I wasn't being excessively indulgent. I just didn't want the ice cream. I felt like myself.

But Narc tends to go to extremes search for a "quick fix" to the huge complex of problems plaguing him. He's definitely depressed (although maybe not in a clinical sense), but he's constantly searching for connection and meaning. And he's always looking for those answers outside of himself. He's into all sorts of weird spirituality things (which I can't get into here); he's gone on sudden fasts; told me "an angel" instructed him to become a vegetarian, and what not. He's been to a million "self-improvement" classes and workshops, and is deep into Jungian analysis right now. Anyway, I think he thought of his recent trip to Europe as another "quick fix," which didn't quite do the job, and only left him more depressed upon his return. Last night he started telling me all about vitamins--how the reason he feels so down is because of toxins and a lack of certain nutrients. He's going to "cure himself" holistically. I looked in his kitchen--there must have been about 15 bottles of newly purchased vitamins and supplements. I wanted to gather him up and kiss him for that. I wanted to give him the longest hug.

Anyway, we watched Bill Mahr and Conan and talked and laughed a lot. When he wasn't paying attention, I kept stealing glances at him. For some reason, last night, more than ever, I got such pleasure from just looking at him-- at his details. I love his hands. They have always been one of my favorite of his parts. They're large and strong and manly, but the tops of his hands and his fingers are rounded and rosy and his palms are smooth--there's something both very masculine and very child-like about his hands, and that's kind of what I see in him. I just felt him in a very tactile way last night. I don't quite know how to explain what I mean. But, for example, for a while I was laying with my head in his lap, my arm was outstretched so that I was touching his wrist. I held it and felt it--the solidness of it, taking in its color, smoothness and the slight roughness from his hair, all of it entering into me and changing me. I felt good. And I feel good now. I really don't have words for it. But there I was, just observing him--watching him watch TV, take a breath, release a sigh, having a sip of water. And I was adoring him. And I loved it.

At around 1:30 am, I felt about ready to pass out from exhaustion.

"Narc, I'm beat. I'm going to go take off my makeup and get ready for bed," I said.

"Wait! But I wanted to watch Sideways with you."

"What?"

"Yeah-- it was on TV. I tivo'd it. I can't believe you haven't seen it yet, that's all."

"But Narc, I'm so tired. What if I fall asleep in the middle?"

"You won't. You'll get into it."

I can't refuse him, so I agreed, despite the fact that I was running on about 5 hours of sleep and had to wake up the next morning at 9:30 am.

The movie was cute. But what was cuter still, was how much Narc identified with the main character. He didn't explicitly say so, but it was obvious in his commentary. His friend James is an actor, and so I guess the pair of them sort of parallel the writer/actor friends in the movie.

By the time it ended it was about 3:30 am. I was wiped. Narc moved into the bedroom to do his bedtime internet surfing. I followed him there. I wanted to get into bed, but it was strange-- we hadn't had sex yet, and we were both sober and we're not a "couple," so I wasn't sure how much of my clothing to leave on and how much to take off before climbing under the covers. (Yes-- all you naysayers! Narc and I CAN spend time together without drinking or fucking the whole time!) Anyway, I slowly started to take off my socks and my jewelry. And then, fuck it. I was just going to take it all off. So I did just that. He kind of turned around from the computer and snuck a look at me, as if he weren't sure what I was going to do either.

Once undressed, I snuggled in under the covers and watched him, again, at the computer. He had taken his shirt off. I liked it.

I started to doze after a little while, until I heard him moving around. I peeked my eyes open to see what he was doing. He was standing over me looking down. It made me nervous in a thrilling kind of way. Sometimes I feel like I have such a schoolgirl crush on him! Then he got undressed, shut the lights and got into bed. As soon as he did, all of my nervousness was gone. He pulled me into him, burying my face in his chest so that I couldn't breathe, pinning me down with his legs, wrapping his arms around me. Things felt right. I could feel him breathing. Each slow expansion of his chest took me with it.

Anyway, we did end up having sex, but I'll keep those details between me and Narc. I only want to say that it was a little different than usual--the pacing, the feeling behind it. And towards the end of it, even he was different, somehow transcending himself. It's hard to explain, but Narc sometimes feels as if he has an anchor around his neck-- an albatross of sorts. Its physical presence is so clear, so obvious to me-- its energy. Narc feels very earth-bound--pinned down somehow. Watching him try to twist towards spiritual freedom is like trying to watch a half squashed insect try to turn itself upright. It's nearly impossible. I can't touch him there... I can't interfere. It fucking breaks my heart. It makes everything in me melt for him. Anyway, last night, there was a kind of aggressive energy and physical force coming from him that didn't seem to stem from frustration, but rather, it was directed towards something much bigger. He took it out in love and it seemed to free him for a moment. He was magestic in my eyes--triumphant. Afterwards, he lay with his head on my stomach for the longest time, and I just held him. My love is big, and I let it be like a flood. A river on which he could drift and be safe. It was a perfect moment.

But soon enough he got up to get a glass of water, and that spell was broken. It doesn't matter. It's still with me right now. And today has been sweet. And my heart is aching in a sweet pained sort of way because it's so full. And I don't need anything else from him right now.

That night he wouldn't let me out of his reach while we slept, so I stayed as near to him as I could. When I turned, I extended a hand for him to clutch. We didn't fall asleep until just after 5:00 am, but I somehow woke up naturally at 9:25-- just before my alarm. I was grateful because I didn't want to wake him unnecessarily. I got up and got dressed as quickly and as quietly as I could. Then I bent down to kiss him goodbye.

"You're going?" he murmured.

"Yeah, I have to get out of here. And I won't be around tonight. But have a great rest of the weekend, okay?"

"You too." He fell back asleep.

On my way out, I sent him a text:

Had a great time last night. Thanks.

I headed straight to my voice lesson, which even on no sleep, went marvelously. I just felt great. And I sang great. I warmed up to a high-G! (That's the third G above middle C!). The resonance was brilliant today too.

After that, I took the bus down to Penn Station. I talked to Hammer for a while on the phone (she's having some "email follies" with the Arch), and then I talked to B. He told me he "doesn't know what he would do without me." :) Then I took the train out to Long Island.

My mom picked me up and announced that she's sick of seeing me in t-shirts and sweatshirts and sneakers and offered to buy me some new things. I ended up getting a lot, including a winter coat, so I'm quite pleased. It was nice to spend some one on one time with my mom too. We had a great time of it.

Later on in the evening, she, my stepfather and I headed to the movies to see Good Night and Good Luck. I don't think I've been to the movies with my parents in as long as I can remember. It was cozy and I felt a lot of love towards them-- grateful that I have them. I just felt that warm feeling of "home"-- being somewhere you belong.

Back at home, my mom pulled out a huge file folder she had recently gotten from the storage unit.

"Family memories," she explained.

She pulled out all sorts of strange objects, from her baby teeth, to a journal my great grandfather kept during a 1952 trip to Florida to a clipping from the local paper with a picture of my mom and dad on the day my dad became a citizen. She offered the clipping to me. He's waving a little American flag, his arms around my mom, beaming from ear to ear. She also gave me a picture of myself as a 2-month old being held by my maternal grandfather (he died a few weeks later) and a picture that was taken of me four hours after my birth. I can't tell you why, but it added to that feeling that I've had since last night-- that feeling of aching sweetness.

My heart is hurting from love right now. I don't know what I want. I don't know what's right and what's wrong, what's hurt and what's health. But I do know that this feeling is wholely human and good and I feel integrated. When I think of Narc today, I think of him in last night's details. It's a sensory memory, not a rational one. And it's sweet.

Aching sweetness.

I better get some sleep now, as I have to wake up in five hours.

:)

-h-