Will I Ever Learn?

Okay, so I'm a nice sister.

I agreed to do BigSis and Bro-in-Law a huge favor. I don't have to teach today which means I would have been able to sleep in until a more humane hour, but here's the rub-- they're moving out to Queens and are expecting some appliance deliveries today. Neither of them can be home, as they both have to be at work, so I agreed to go sit in their new apartment (which has no furniture or any conveniences!) to receive the deliveries. Last night on my way home (at about 9:30 pm) I stopped by at BigSis' current apartment and she gave me the keys, money for tips, etc. She also told me I had to be there at 8:30 am. That means that I woke up this morning at 6:30 am. Schisse!

Now, nevermind the fact that I had a 13 hour day yesterday running on 5 hours of sleep from Monday night; and nevermind the fact that I ate half a salad for lunch, and only followed that by feasting on microwave popcorn when I got him at 10:00 pm.

I also drank a bottle of wine. And then, dear readers, I drank another.

No, I didn't go out to Cheers. I drank the wine while hanging out with NDN in my living room and then (by myself) in bed, mostly conversing with Hammer (who is busy making life drama with one too many boys) and Bezoukhoff (who I'm sure has some strange ideas about me at this point), but I drank it.

It's now nearly 7:00 am and I'm still drunk.
AND I'm about to embark on an hour long journey.
AND I hate the subway and have to ride it.

And THAT is why I'll never learn.

This fucking sucks.

-h-

NDN Has No Shame!

(First of all, I'm sure you're loving it, NDN, that I named a post after you. That's right, you little attention whore! Revel in the glory!)

That said, the man has no shame. He sent the following email to my mother this morning and copied it to me...


Hyde'sMom,

I saw this joke, and thought, "wow, this is SO Hyde'sMom."

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Is nothing sacred anymore? NDN--I ask you that.

-h

A New Name

As some of you may know, Mr. Mystic has offered to rename some fellow bloggers based on the personalities shown on their sites. I asked him to come up with a name for me (nervous about the results) and here's what he said.

What do you think?

"Ok Hyde here goes. Anbery this is a mixture of Angelica and Beryl. Intuitive, amiable, seductive. Given to day-dreaming and mystic imaginings. Can be deeply passionate, Sometimes hasty in her words and love affairs often unfortunate..."

-h

An Addendum:

So Flash has named me too! He writes:

Oh my, her ring has been lost & then found again (hurrah) & she's pondering " Why are there so many crazy people in this city? Why haven't I met anyone who's not fucked up in one way or another?". She does go on to say..."and I'm not exempting myself from this indictment".See, WritesSoMuchItHurtsMyBrainButIWouldn'tHaveItAnyOtherWay lives in New York City.

Yay! I'm glad he doesn't mind my prolific nature. I can't help it. So It's good he wouldn't have it any other way!

-h-

and Found!

Maybe it was SpinsterWitch's wise advice, but the ring has been located! I traced my steps over and over in my head until I remembered taking the ring off while I was dressing so my stockings wouldn't snag. I called my mom and directed her to look near the magazine rack in her bathroom, and indeed--the ring was there!

In other news, VJ just forwarded me another entertaining e-mail from E-the-R.
He writes:

Hello VJ-

I just emailed Hyde and asked her if she had access to certain drugs. I remember she told you a lot of lies regarding that I was a coke addict. I want to reassure you that they were lies (I know she will email you telling you what a coke junkie I am), but I need the drugs for certain "business" ventures. Let me put it this way: My clients are very interesting.

Again, hope you are well.

Love ya.

E-the-R

That guy is fucking crazy. I never told VJ that he was a coke addict! Never, never, never! He is just so used to painting me as a "liar" because that was how he dealt with that fucked up VJ-Liu triangle that he set up all those years ago-- by blaming me for making the whole thing up. I guess he sent this e-mail to VJ as "insurance" in case I told her about the drug-request message he sent me. Whatever... It's not worth any more mental space on my part. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to do him any favors. He burned that bridge long ago.

Why are there so many crazy people in this city? Why haven't I met anyone who's not fucked up in one way or another? I mean, E-the-R and Narc are both sort of extreme examples, and I'm not exempting myself from this indictment, but it's frustrating...

That said, I'm off to therapy now. My therapist is finally back from her summer in Switzerland so this is our first "in person" meeting since before my personal crisis back in June. Weird...

Then I'm off to do more reading for class.

Later!

-h

Lost!

I've lost one of my most prized posessions! A Georgian mourning ring that I was wearing on Saturday. The last time I remember seeing it was when I was in my mom's car and I showed it NDN. I've looked everywhere, and I have my mom looking everywhere too. I am desperately sad about it. It looked something like the ring pictured here. Only mind was longer and more rectangular and in better condition (I think), except that it was missing one pearl. It also had beautiful gold scroll work on the sides instead of the extra pearls. And engraved on the inside it read "Forget me not."

Everyone I know thinks it's creepy that I was walking around with a dead person's hair inside a ring on my finger, but I don't think so at all. I think it was magical, in some strange way, that I had that connection to someone in the past.

I bought the ring when I was in London and spent a lot of money on it. I know a bit about jewelry and jewelry history, and so I knew I was buying a quality piece. It's one of the few pieces of "real" jewelry that I own. Or owned. And it is the only one that I bought for myself. Everything else I have was given to me as a gift.

I am so sad that it is gone.

I hope it turns up.

I think I'll go lay in bed and be depressed now.

-h

Catching Up

I feel like I have a lot to catch up on in this blog...

This entire week the weather has been insufferably muggy until today when we finally caught a break from the humidity. Not that it has made a difference to me... I've been home all day reading articles. I also had a very strange urge come over me today--the urge to clean! Those of you who have actually been in my apartment know that housekeeping is not one of my many skills. In fact, I'm pretty much a "homewrecker" in the most literal sense of the word. To put it simply--my apartment is the epitome of chaos. But, as luck would have it, today I got the urge to clean. I moved my bed, pulled out my nightstand and have literally been crawling around on my hands and knees for the past hour sweeping the dust and scrubbing the floor. Getting this house in order is such a monumental task that it will take weeks of consistent work, but you have to start somewhere, right? And somehow it felt symbolic to sweep under the bed.

Anyway, I haven't really posted a nice long post in a few days. It's mostly because I've been running around with a crazy schedule. Thursday was an utterly exhausting day for me. The subway ride to work was a hellish test of my endurance for heat and other people. (I have a low tolerance for both). In between teaching classes I finished up a paper and then went to my own class to hand it in at 4:00. I waited for the crosstown bus back to the West Side to teach my evening class, but as it was rush hour and midtown on the East Side is still jammed up from the UN traffic, it took over half an hour for the right bus to come. I was in a very agitated mood!

While I was on the bus, my phone rang. It was Anxious and she was in tears. That immediately softened me, and I asked her what was wrong., She told me that she had just bumped into "Scotland," the guy she dated for several months last year after ending her 8-year relationship with Buke. She broke up with Scotland in February--the day she met me and Narc at Manchester. (I wrote about that here). Anyway, she just bumped into Scotland on the street and tried to smooth things over with him. She asked him if he wanted to get together for coffee sometime, as "friends," of course. He flat out told her "no."

Now, you have to understand something about Anxious--she is a control freak. She also insists that she is always happy. It's a very strange way to cope with things, in my opinion. For example, she didn't break up with Buke until she already had the next guy in the wings. Once, she made a major life decision to move two hours away, quit her job and take a job at a newspaper, but she didn't mention it to (or discuss it with) a single friend until every detail of the move was set up. She doesn't want to be caught at any moment not in complete control. But Scotland totally rejected her and left her without a boyfriend (which I guess, to her, is an intolerable condition), and there was nothing she could do about it. I think the "control" thing is why she's so insanely sensitive about the issue. I also think it's why she snatched up BulgarianGuy--the first guy she managed to hook up with after Scotland. (I wrote about the night she met BulgarianGuy here). Anyway, I did my best to calm her down.

"Why does it still hurt, Hyde?" she cried. "Why do I still feel pain about this?"

"Because, Anxious! Some things that are left unresolved never stop hurting, and seeing him just reopened that wound. You're just a sensitive girl. It's okay. Pain is a part of life, you know?"

Honestly, it astounds me that she manages to live her life in such massive denial of life's pains. So much so that she hardly ever feels them! Sadness and rejection was an unfamiliar feeling to her! She lives a white-knuckled life. I somehow felt much wiser than she throughout the conversation, even though I had no answers. The only thing I could tell her is that life and pain are inextricably bound together in the same way that life and joy are. We have very little "control" over either. Now, I know that I'm certainly not the model for good coping skills, but at least I acknowledge my feelings!

I had to cut our conversation short, though, because I had to teach class. And, I was still cranky because I hadn't eaten anything all day--I skipped lunch in order to work on that paper that was due at 4:00 and I skipped dinner because I got stuck in traffic on the bus. I made it through the class okay anyway...

When I got home, I sat down to check my e-mail, the blogs, etc. and I saw that Charby was online. She was up being an insomniac! Poor Charby! The two of us IM'd for about an hour, which was really quite nice. It's always a strange feeling when a fellow blogger comes off the page and has a "live" dialogue with you.

At around 10:30, NDN came by. I agreed to go out for drinks, but he wanted someplace quieter than Cheers on a karaoke night. So we headed to FuBar. Thus began our night of "drinking in reverse." Usually it's a Cheers-Manchester-FuBar progression. This time, we did an inversion.

On our way into the bar, some guy grabbed my arm.

"I remember you!" he exclaimed. He was clearly drunk. "I remember that face. I can't forget that face!"

I had no fucking clue who this guy was.

"Don't you remember me?" he went on. "C'mon... Do you remember where you met me?"

At that point, NDN decided to run to the restroom. He thought it was okay to leave me because I was standing near the bouncer, but I later admonished him that it was in fact, a bad move on his part. I told him never to leave a girl-friend alone in a bar with a drunk guy to whom she doesn't wish to speak.

I didn't remember where I had met the guy, but I could make an educated guess. (As I'm sure you all can too, at this point).

"Was it at Cheers?" I ventured.

"Yes! That's right! You do remember me!"

I smiled and kind of pulled away. I took two seats at the bar and NDN returned to order us drinks before going to get some popcorn. (FuBar gives away free popcorn). The guy, Paul, took a seat on the other side of NDN's chair. He kept trying to talk to me. He asked for my phone number.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," I said.

"Why not?" he asked. "Do you have a boyfriend? A girlfriend?"

"Well, no... I don't know. It's sort of complicated," I answered.

Why can't I answer such a simple question? The answer should be "no." But I really do feel like my heart is occupied right now.

"Well, if you give me your number, I promise you-- we'll start as friends," he tried to assure me. "I'll call you in exactly three days. I keep my word. Friends to start, okay?"

This guy was freaking me out.

"I don't think so," I said.

He continued to press me.

"I'll let you know when I finish my drink, okay?" I tried to turn away.

Just then, NDN returned with the popcorn (which I have to say, he made inedible by pouring hot sauce all over it! He went back to get me a fresh batch.)

Paul said he works for the UN. He stuck around for a while longer trying to make small talk by telling us some bullshit about being out with his drunk boss. Whatever... Eventually he took off, and thankfully I didn't even have to give him a fake number.

NDN and I moved to the back of the bar and just had a good long chat about a lot of things including relationships and addiction. Soon enough we headed to Manchester. He was intent on drinking a bloody mary and FuBar wasn't serving them.

At Manchester, Sean Duffy was on duty. I wanted to impress him with my relative sobriety. (I think he has the most awful impression of me.) Anyway, I went up to the bar to order us drinks and a few guys at the end of the bar started talking to me.

"Just bring the drinks back here, honey!" NDN called out.

I went over to him.

"Why are you calling me honey?" I demanded.

"Because! How do those guys know we're not together? It's emasculating!"

"I can't believe you've found a way to cock block me!" I laughed.

(Oc has claimed in the past that NDN is all about the cock block.)

Anyway, we had fun at Manchester, but NDN was wasted by the time we left. Onwards to Cheers! NDN didn't stay long at Cheers, as he was too drunk to have much fun. (He was majorly hurting the next day.) I stayed and drank and drank some more. I still hadn't eaten anything all day, so who the fuck knows what I was running on. Cheers closed around 3:30 am and I went across the street to the deli for a sandwich. Then I came home and passed out.

The next morning it was again, as muggy as hell. I spent the last few dollars in my wallet on red bull, only to realize that my entire bank account is empty until my most recent paycheck clears. Shit! I headed uptown to a voice lesson which I survived okay, given my frazzled state, and then I took the bus back home. The bus took FOREVER and I was in a strange mood. I had my camera in my bag, so I just started taking pictures on the bus, which I think people thought was strange. Whatever. The bus wouldn't' t take me all the way home though. Instead, I had to get off at Lexington. Again--the UN street closures!

After that, I managed to dig up enough loose change in my purse to buy a bottle of water. (I was majorly dehydrated.) On the way back into my building, I bumped into IrishBird outside on the corner.

"Hey! What's up!" I called out to her.

"How you feeling today, Hyde?"

"Okay... Why?"

"You were gone last night, that's all. I saw you in the deli getting your sandwich and you kept asking the guy over and over about how much it cost."

"That's because my bank account is empty," I said. "I was probably just making sure I had enough."

"Why is it empty?" she asked.

I explained that I was waiting to get my check cashed. She took out some money and offered it to me.

"IrishBird! I'm not going to take your money!"

"Just take it, Hyde."

She pushed it into my pocket. She is a good friend. It was really sweet.

After that I headed home, with very little time to make myself presentable for dinner with B's parents. I got all dolled up for the event, but walking to meet them in the intolerable heat, I felt like all my efforts went to waste by the time I arrived. (B assured me that wasn't the case). He wanted to go for Filipino food, although the only nearby Filipino place was a mediocre restaurant. We walked over there anyway. On the way, his parents ended up talking to each other while I talked to B. I tried to explain to him that he was going to have to facilitate conversation between all four of us and make a little effort to ease the awkwardness.

"Remember what it was like when you first met my family?" I asked. "You needed me to help you then, right?"

He agreed, but I have to say, he didn't go on to give me much help.

I was able to break the ice a bit when we got to the restaurant. It was a "turo-turo" style restaurant. (Which is basically a buffet, but someone else serves you). They asked me if I knew what that meant and I told them that I did.

"It means 'point-point,'" I said. "B is a very good teacher!"

Later when they were talking about dessert, his dad asked me if I knew "halo-halo."

"Of course!" I smiled. "It's mix-mix!"

At another point in the meal, his dad asked him in Tagalog to pass the "patis," a common condiment. I heard the word "patis," and knowing what it was, I passed it over. I think it impressed them that I was so interested in learning about their culture.

"All I have to do now, is come visit!" I said.

They laughed and agreed. B was glad I said that because now they'll have a hard time saying no if he ever wants to bring me over there in the future.

Still, it was hard to make conversation. I asked a lot about his brother and how he was settling in at Harvard. His dad said that he heard I was an Elvis fan and tried to make some small talk about that. Soon enough, the meal was over.

B led them to the subway and then he and I went for coffee at Dunkin' Donuts.

"They really liked you! I could tell," he assured me.

I still felt shy, although they had already gone.

B and I talked about all sorts of things--mainly love and relationships, which was kind of strange, given our complicated background. We talked about his commitment issues, and my "devotion" issues--we're at opposite ends of the spectrum, but it's a problem for both of us. He was encouraging me to try casually dating, but I just can't right now. I'm not ready for it yet. I mean, Narc called it a "non-relationship" and all, but my heart is the most slow moving frustrating thing sometimes. I just can't internalize all of that the way I'm supposed to. In any event, it was nice to be out with B on a Friday night. Usually when we hang out, it's just downtime at my place and always the same--Monday nights. This felt different. Like when we used to be "just friends." I mean we are "just friends," but it's been more than that ever since we went through our whole relationship.

(As an aside, I have to note that the formidable Mr. Rochester (my adorable cat) is driving me crazy right now. He keeps jumping up and grabbing at my arm with a wild look in his eye. I know he wants to play, but I'm so not in the mood).

After B and I parted, I took the bus back uptown, but again, ended up having to walk a few extra blocks due to the street closures. Back at home, I watched some TV and called it an early night.

On Saturday morning I got up at a decent hour, read some articles, gossiped with Hammer and watched TV. I got that weird e-mail from E-the-R, so I also ended up on the phone with VJ laughing about that for a while. But I had to get some work done before heading out to Long Island for the evening. My second cousin was being Bar Mitzvah-ed and I asked NDN to come with me as my date.

Now, as you know, LilSis and JBC just got engaged. They were coming to the city with my mom on Saturday afternoon to look at possible wedding venues. Their last stop was planned for South Street Seaport, so NDN and I agreed to meet them there. NDN went down a little early on his own, and I met him there at 3:00. (We didn't have to meet my family until 4:30).

When I got there, he was just chilling out by the water, writing in his journal and drinking Pina Coladas at "happy hour" prices. I joined him with some Malibu and diet (no sugar-crashy frozen drinks for me!) and we hung out for a while, laughing and having an all around good time.
Eventually we met up with my family and drove back to my mom's house where we all got changed for the party. NDN and I picked up BigSis and Bro-in-Law at his parents' house and we were off.

I have to say, I had a great time at the party. NDN was a perfect date. As he put it, he "cleaned up nice" and he was a real mensch--so easily conversant with everyone in my family--even distant cousins I hardly knew! And he was a fun partner on the dance floor. The food was excellent and abundant, so we stuffed ourselves. I drank, but it was so spaced out that I was still sober upon leaving. I think my mom was especially happy to see all of her cousins there (on her father's side) from far and wide. The whole event was tinged with sadness though, because the Bar Mitzvah boy's grandfather was my uncle that just died a few weeks ago.

Bro-in-Law dropped me and NDN off at the train station at around 1:00 am. Oc was hosting a party in Brooklyn that NDN had agreed to go to, but we figured that he wouldn't have gotten to the party until 3:00 am and NDN didn't want to leave me on the train alone at that hour. So we trekked back to our apartment building, making it home by 2:30. We were both wide awake, though, and I wanted to go back out.

Go back out, I did, and I headed to Cheers. It was probably unnecessary, but whatever. I'm a woman of excess. I drank for two more hours there, hanging out with ThursdayGirl and after closing time, with IrishBird for a bit. She told me that she and PumpedUp are taking off for Vegas, so she won't be working again until Thursday. I'm glad because I'm seeing B tomorrow (when BarMan's on shift) and then if IrishBird won't be there, that should keep me on the straight and narrow until Thursday or Friday.

This morning I got up pretty early (considering how late I was out) and had lunch with B. Then I came back home to do school work and to clean.

Anyway, I've got to go get something to eat and get back to work now.

Hope you all had a good weekend!

Hyde

Sweet! (on alcohol)

Fucking awesome night tonight!

4 :24 am and I'm just getting home. Normally I would be calling Narc right about now. No... Normally, that would have happened an hour ago. Normally, I'd be fucking Narc right now. Fuck. I'm not happy with how all of that went down and still have hopes to change it.

Anyway... Have to update this thing tomorrow. IrishBird and PumpedUp are taking off for Vegas together tomorrow. It's a secret though, so don't tell...

I'm a happy Hyde. I hate that alcohol makes me feel happy. Because of that, I almost wish I were never happy. (If it were due to alcohol, that is...). Narc also makes me happy. But he's not here. And he also makes me unhappy. So fucking miserably unhappy! He hurts me. But he also fills my heart. I feel like a stupid girl, but he confuses me. Is that bad? I miss him, and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving him. Oh well... Nothing else to do but to mourn... And to hope I don't still love him tomorrow...

Ok. Got to go wash off my pounds of makeup and get into bed. NDN was my date tonight to a black tie (optional) affair. My second cousin had his Bar Mitzvah. Good times.... Good times... I have to blog about all that later.

I love the people at Cheers. Fucking love them. IB, PumpedUp, BarMan, ThursdayGirl and I... We all chilled way beyond after hours. As for me and NDN--we had a great time at the Bar Mitzvah too. Will have to update on all...

Later...

-hydey-

Shenandoah

I'm just playing around and seeing if I can figure out how to post music. I got some files saved off my hard drive (the one that crashed in July) and there are a few recordings I made at home last summer. This is a duet I recorded (with myself singing both parts). It's totally unpolished, but it was fun...


Shenandoah

(Let me know if you guys can't open it or if it doesn't play or something...)

-h

PS: I have to go read some articles, but Cool Hand Luke is on TV and I fucking love Paul Newman. I can't turn it off. I can't stop staring at him. Is my work ever going to get done?

:)

Some Guys Have All the Nerve!

I just got an incredibly strange e-mail.

But for this to make sense, first you need some background context:

When I was a senior in college (Spring, 2000), Liu and another friend of mine, E-the-R, were dating. He and I had become pretty good friends the previous year. We hung out a lot and I confided a lot in him. That said, he is a strange guy. It's hard to explain, but he's kind of closed off and has major issues with women. (On New Year's Eve of that year, even though I was dating B at the time, he got drunk and grabbed my arm and told me I was a "slut" like "all women," if that gives you any idea of what I'm talking about. I'll leave it at that, but if VJ or Liu wants to elaborate in my comments section, they're welcome to.)

In May when we graduated, Liu moved to Colorado and E-the-R stayed here in the city. On the Fourth of July he came to a BBQ at my Aunt's house, to which I had also invited VJ. He and VJ ended up dating and by that fall, she was his "girlfriend." The only problem was that he hadn't completely ended his relationship with Liu. VJ didn't know about that though. Anyway, as they are both still my good friends, I don't want to go into the personal details of their lives or former relationships, but the point is this-- I was stuck in the middle, knowing this guy was involved with two of my friends, and it inevitably unfolded in such a way that VJ found out, got in a fight with him, and he blamed me and stopped talking to me. (How convenient, right?) For a while, VJ and I didn't really talk, and E-the-R and I were never friends again. (This all took place throughout the Fall of that year, so by the beginning of 2001 it was the last I had seen of him).

He and VJ stayed together for another few years, so of course I still heard things about him, but our friendship was completely over. He went on to be a major asshole to VJ throughout their relationship, so the more I heard, the less I felt bad about no longer being friends.

Finally, he and VJ broke up. (I think this was summer 2003?) Anyway, he had a book of hers and wanted to "return it" as an excuse to see her. She told him to leave it with my doorman. It just so happens that when I was on my way home that night, he was leaving my building having just dropped off the book. He is so fucking awkward. I smiled and was overly friendly and tried to start a conversation, but he just ran away as if he didn't hear me. He looked incredibly stressed out about it. I laughed that I made him that uncomfortable. So fucking immature!

I never saw him or spoke to him after that. He has since left the city and moved to Philadelphia for his MBA. Once this year he was in town and I was having a "girls night" with VJ. He wanted to meet up with her, so he kept saying, "Oh, and I would LOVE to see Hyde!" etc. (That was back in March. I posted about it here.)

So, that brings us to this morning. I woke up, sat down to check my e-mail, and to my surprise, I had an email from him!!!

It said:

Hello Hyde-

How are you? I know we have not communicated much over the past few years--and that is my fault. I apologize for that and understand if you don't want to be friends.

That said, the reason I am contacting you is because I need access to purchase some drugs--specifically coke and ex. Just wanted to know if you knew of anyone.

If you want to talk again, it would be my pleasure.

Hope you are well.

E-the-R

WTF?!?!?

SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE NERVE!!!

-h-

...and Coming Home

Okay, I was just on my way back into the building and some security guy smiled at me. Standing among the mob of cops on my corner, he was dressed all in black with an ear-piece.

"Going out tonight?" he asked.

"Tonight?"

"Yeah, to the bar. You were there last night, right? Doing karaoke."

"Oh, yeah," I smiled embarrassedly. "It was a late night."

"Yeah..." he smiled at me slyly. "I remember you."

(What the fuck does that mean?)

"So? Are you going out again?" he pressed.

"Um, not sure yet. I'm on my way in right now. I guess I'll decide later. Why? Are you going out tonight?"

"I'm working!" he laughed. "But I'll be right outside."

Then he winked at me.

"Oh. Okay. Well, have a good night," I said.

Weird. I wonder if I spoke to him last night...

PS: Longer post coming about B's parents and my night with NDN last night... That is, if I ever get around to it!

On My Way...

I'm on my way to go join B and his parents for dinner. Feeling strange about it. I got all done up and am looking pretty glamorous right now, but I'm wondering if it might be a mistake. What if they think I'm shallow... Or trying too hard.

Ugghh... I hope the makeup doesn't melt off my face from this disgusting weather before I can make it there!

Why am I so nervous?

Feeling foolish...

-h

Six Months Ago...

Weird. I'm sitting in my office, editing a paper (which is due in 2 hours, and I still have to get lunch!) but I'm procrastinating as usual. I thought I'd look and see what I was up to six months ago. It's scary how time flies!

Six months ago... (March 12th-18th)

• Six months ago, I posted a picture of my living room on this blog.
• Six months ago, I wrote that post about all of my memories in the city while I was waiting for the M104 bus by Lincoln Center. (I was leaving the music library after researching my Wagner paper).
• Six months ago, Narc and I were "broken up" but were in drunk-text/drunk-call mode.
• Six months ago I had a sore throat and a fever for a few days.
• Six months ago, Professor PP changed my paper topic to Adorno (and Hammer confronted him about getting paid, tossing it back "like a shot, Hammer!")
• Six months ago, Hammer and I went to the "Occidentalism" cafe near the 42nd street library.
• Six months ago NDN met VJ and asked her on a date. (I was taping Gitanas for him).
• Six months ago, I kissed a guy at Cheers who taught me how to hand-roll a cigarette.
• Six months ago, Sunshine and I spoke on the phone for the first time.
• Six months ago, the Stallion told me he was moving back to NY.
• Six months ago, Narc called me at 5:00 am and we had that unforgettable conversation in which he told me to stop talking because "I just want you to come over here so I can come in your mouth."
• Six months ago, I saw the Australians for the last time at Manchester Pub.
• Six months ago, I finally confronted Narc about the Anxious masturbation thing and he denied it. (I also got a bitchy email from Anxious that week.)

Okay. Enough procrastination and self reflection. Back to my paper!

-h-

PS: It's also strange how my schedule is making me prone to more frequent but shorter posts. I have a long one brewing in the back of my head, but haven't had time to write it yet!

The Bells

I'm trying to remember...

"Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in."

-Leonard Cohen

The Taker

Okay, I'm heading home from the library now. One last post.
Depressing, but it's what's in my CD player right now....

(Kris Kristofferson)

He's a giver, he'll give her
The kind of attention that she's never known
He's a helper, he'll help her
To open the doors that she can't on her own
He's a lover, he'll love her
In ways that she never has been loved before
And he's a getter, he'll get her
By gettin' her into the world she's been hungerin' for

'Cause he's a taker, he'll take her
To places and make her
Fly higher than she's ever dared to
He'll take his time before takin' advantage
Takin' her easy and slow
And after he's taken the body and soul
That she gives him, he'll take her for granted
Then he'll take off and leave her
Takin' all of her pride as he goes

Yes, he's a taker, he'll take her...

He's a charmer, and he'll charm her
With money and manners that I never learned
He's a leader, and he'll lead her
Across pretty bridges he's planning to burn
He's a talker, he'll talk her
Right off of her feet, but he won't talk for long
'Cause he's a doer, and he'll do her
In ways that I never--
And damned if he won't do her wrong

'Cause he's a taker, he'll take her
To places and make her
Fly higher than she's ever dared to
He'll take his time before takin' advantage
Takin' her easy and slow
And after he's taken the body and soul
That she gives him, he'll take her for granted
Then he'll take off and leave her
Takin' all of her pride as he goes

Yes, he's a taker, he'll take her...

The Library

To answer Mr. Mystic's question (from the comments section on my last post), it's definitely a Jekyll day.

I'm in the library with Hammer up at Columbia. I'm readng about the Sicilian population boom from 1868-1890 and she's reading about "Sex After Fascism." Hers seems a lot more interesting. I just glanced over my shoulder and there are some interesting pictures in her book. (Some bondage picture with a woman and snakes??? Oh wait... It's an anti-Semitic cartoon...) Mine is filled with a lot of charts and tables. Oh well....

Last night I had a great time hanging out with Bezoukhoff. We had some interesting discussions about Lenin's corpse, among other things. Another highlight of the night? We saw a prostitute in the bar. She was definitely working the crowd and was turning quite a few heads. I've never seen anything like it. Maybe she figured that with all of the "world leaders" in the neighborhood, she might score someone with money. I don't know, but Bezoukhoff and I had a few good laughs about it...

This morning I was late getting out of my house and when I exited onto the street, I was reminded of all of that UN crap. (Don't mean to sound cyncial about it, but it's really annoying when it's on your block!) There were about 30 police officers on motorcycles having some little meeting on my corner and I had to steer my way through them and around the big cement blocks that have been put out. It's chaos. Maybe I'll take a picture one of these days so you can see what I'm talking about.

It was muggy out today and I fucking HATE the subway, but I didn't have any other alternatives with all of the traffic. So I took the subway uptown to meet Hammer. When I arrived (40 minutes late), she was talking to some strange girl sitting on a bench. I can't quite put my finger on what was strange about this girl, but she just was. I thought Hammer knew her, but it turns out they had just met. The girl just moved to NY from TX to start a grad program here.

While we were making chit chat, my phone rang. It was B.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Where are you?" he asked. "At Columbia?"

"Yeah..."

"In the library?"

"No. On college walk. Where are you?"

"I'm there too! I'm sitting on the steps and I'm with my parents!"

To give you guys some background, I met B's mom once but that was six years ago when she came to NY for his graduation. I've never met his dad, although we spoke once on the phone four years ago. I know so much about them, and I'm sure they know so much about me. I mean, we've been best friends for nine years now and were together for three years and even lived together for two. They're here because B's brother is starting at Harvard this fall and they came to the States to drop him off and to finally see where B lives, etc. Of course, I HAD to meet them, but it's a little weird as I no longer have "girlfriend" status, and he does have an actual other girlfriend. (We have a very strange triangle thing going on, but it's too much to get into right now). I was supposed to have lunch with his parents on Friday, but wasn't expecting to see them sooner, so it totally caught me off guard to know that they were just steps away.

I stood up on the bench where we were sitting and waved my arms. B spotted me and waved back so I headed over to them. It was definitely an awkward meeting. His mom seemed a little uncomfortable, to say the least, but I tried to be as smiley and friendly and casual and open as possible to ease the tension. His dad shook my hand and said that it was good to meet me "after all these years!" I'm glad I got to see them. Last week, B was acting like he felt weird about it, but he was beaming today and I know that it made him happy. I'm his family over here and they're his family over there, and so it was a necessary meeting in some sense.

Anyway, after that, Hammer and I had lunch at Ollies and then pit-stopped at Starbucks, where she thought she got some bad milk in her cappucino.

Now we're in the library trying to work. As you can see, I'm procrastinating a little. Well... a lot. So I better get back to it now. On to the next chapter. It's called "Coitus Interruptus." Maybe this book will get a little sexier. I can only hope. I'm still jealous of Hammer's reading.

-h-

Just Told...

I just told PumpedUp too much...

Shit! Was out with Bezoukhoff but sent him home a few minutes too soon.

"I don't know what to tell you, Hyde," said PumpedUp.

I don't know what to tell me either.

I'm fucking crazy...

I FEEL crazy!

?!?!?

So, I'm sure you all remember the last time I saw Narc--the very awful last time. (I never gave you guys the gory details, but it was the night of August 25th-26th). Well, I mentioned to you that I met an ArmyGuy at the Tavern that night who was on leave from Iraq. Nevermind that he is 21 and gay and that I told him I was "with Narc" and that I introduced Narc to him within 5 minutes of meeting him, and that all three of us talked for a while, but it made Narc mad that I was friendly and exchanged contact information with the guy. It's what prompted Narc to start calling me a "whore" when we got home, and things only got worse, worse, worse from there.

Well, guess what? I woke up this morning to an email from that guy!

?!?!?!

Normally, I would think it was nice and write back. But it just brought back a flood of awful feelings from that night and I'm not sure what I want to do. I feel a little sick. Do you think I should write?

Anyway, I have to go shower and get dressed. Then I have to drink a red bull and get to the subway. No taxis for me this week! As it turns out, my little corner of the world is the headquarters for solving global poverty for the next two weeks.

I wish them luck!

-h

PS: Here's the e-mail I got:
(The grammar is driving me a little crazy, but I chose not to edit his message).

Hey whats up remember me from the Tribeca Tavern??? The army dude from Phoenix ? ........well i finally got your email from my moms cell (the phone i was using) and i wanted to email you and let you know that i am back in bahgdad.... EW I KNOW!!! but yeah im back here now i arrived on the 6th of sept. I left phoenix on the 3rd.......takes forever 2 get here!!! So anywayz what have you been up to?? i had a lot of fun talking with you at the bar! your my NYC friend i hope you know! well i know this messege is short but i gotta get back to work.....i'll talk to you later ok?

WRITE BACK!!! adios!!!!

ArmyGuy


(PPS: What's up with my blog looking squished to the side? Anyone know what's going on with that or how to fix it? It doesn't seem to happen when you click on any of the archives. Only on the September posts. It's annoying the hell out of me this morning!)

I Miss Narc

I may be the most stupid girl on the face of the planet, but I can't help it...

I miss Narc....

-h

9/11 and More

I wrote this earlier this morning, but blogger was down so I didn't get a chance to post it until tonight. Now I'm home after just 5 or 6 drinks, ready to head to bed. What restraint, n'est pas? I'm proud of myself. I can still get in a good 7 hours!!! (It's currently 12:08 am on 9/13).

******************************************


9/11 is always a hard day for me. I think it serves as an excuse to step outside of myself and outside of the particular and to face some larger spiritual questions.

I don't have anyone to "personally" mourn; rather, it just makes me think about life.

Remembering what happened four years ago evokes a strange mix of feelings. I really don't have it in me to write a whole long 9/11-post, but it was a frightening time. B was teaching at a college just a few blocks from the towers and nobody could get a hold of him all day long. I was teaching that day--my second day of teaching ever! (I was teaching at a small high school in Jackson Heights, Queens). Of course, I was panicked beyond belief without being able to reach him. I wasn't sure how I was going to get home that night. They had closed all the bridges to Manhattan. I took a subway as far as the 59th street bridge and then had to do some smooth talking. I told the soldiers there that I had to pick up a daughter from day care in Manhattan. They let me walk across and a few hours later, when I got home I found B passed out asleep on the couch. (We lived on the Upper West Side back then).

A friend from college was in the second tower to be hit, but luckily she was neurotic enough to run out of the building before the tower was struck. The weeks after that were strangely dream like. I used to take the 7-train to work and in the morning, coming out of the tunnel, looking south you could see billows of smoke rising for months. The sky was haunted. Everything was haunted.

I'm sure that everyone here in the city had similar moments--the hundreds of "missing" persons signs with smiling photos posted on every corner, the bushels of flowers left in front of firehouses and memorials. I'm just not the same person I was before all of that happened.

And then there's that recurring dream that started shortly after 9/11. It's strange--I still have that dream, at least once every few months. In the dream I'm in one of the towers and it's burning. I'm hiding under a desk and am entirely alone. Papers are flying everywhere and the smell of smoke is awful. Then, suddenly, I happen to see somebody else stuck in the same situation. Down an office corridor, I see a man hunched under a table trying to avoid flying debris. I can't really see his face though. He is dressed in a white shirt and khaki pants. I call out to him and we exchange some words. It's pretty clear that the building is about to collapse and we arrange to try to crawl nearer to each other. We finally meet each other by the windows. I still can't see his face. It's blurry or something. We both acknowledge that we're going to die in that building, and decide (as many people did on that day) to jump out of the window together. Somehow, in my dream, I'm sure that it's better to die holding someone's hand, actively connecting with another human being, than to be taken down alone in fire and steel. But just as I'm about to grab his hand to jump, he turns towards me and his face comes into an awful sharp focus. He has the face of a "joker," a terrifying distorted jeering grin-- his face is horridly smeared with white makeup and his smile is blood red. His eyes are flashing yellow and evil. I'm frightened beyond belief but I take his hand anyway and we jump. That's it.

I'm not sure what the dream means, but I've had it ever since 9/11.

It's weird. Narc lives pretty close to ground zero and I've walked by there a million times since then. The place itself seems disassociated from my memories about it. It feels strangely barren to me. But my memories are still so rich. Anyway, I don't want to dwell on that stuff anymore today. I have too much to do to start getting all morose.

Saturday was a frustrating day. Anxious picked me up in the morning to go approve or veto a dress that she wanted to buy for her birthday party. (Again--not for another month!) She had a dress on hold at Betsey Johnson and wasn't sure if she should buy it or not. As it's only 15 blocks or so from me, I agreed to go. (She bought the dress).

She was going to drop me off at school, but we got stuck heading towards the West Side due to Labor Day Parade on 5th avenue. I don't get it. Why was the parade being held a week after Labor Day? Whatever...

So I took the bus and spent some time in the library before taking off for some dress shopping of my own. My cousin's party is coming up on Saturday and I have nothing formal enough to wear. Shopping was a majorly frustrating experience though. It sucked. I'm in-between sizes right now and couldn't find anything that fit right. Also, I'm so mad at myself for having put on so much weight since last fall. Everything that I bought last year doesn't fit me anymore, and I know why... alcohol calories upon alcohol calories! Ughh! Today I'm going to start exercising and trying to manage my health a little better. (Wish me luck!)

After carousing with NDN and some of his friends on Saturday night, I got a relatively good night's sleep and got up early to meet B at church on Sunday morning. I felt surprisingly refreshed. While I was getting dressed, I watched part of the memorial service on NY1. I feel like an exposed nerve lately--my emotions are so easily triggered, and the reading of all of those names made me cry.

On my way to church, I was glad to bump into my super and his wife who asked me where I was off to.

"St. Bart's," I replied.

"Really? That's where we're going too!"

"My friend B is a member there," I explained. "So, sometimes on Sunday's, I go with him."

"Can't hurt, it can't hurt!" my super said. "Sometimes a little church is good for you."

I'm glad I ran into them on my way to church--especially after what NDN told me my super had said to him earlier this week. Maybe now they won't think I'm such a "sinner."

The service was absolutely beautiful. The choir performed Faure's Requiem Mass, broken up throughout the mass, as it was originally intended. I've sang that piece before and have always loved it. The soloist on the Pie Jesu was especially brilliant. I was also really moved by some of what was said in the sermon and in a speech given by a member of the church's relief agency just back from Louisianna. All of that is still mulling around in my head though, and I haven't yet reflected on it enough to care to write it down here.

The mass closed with Aaron Copland's Fanfare for the Common Man. B says that I'm vulgar, but I absolutely love the timpani, and that piece just pounds in my heart whenever I hear it. It makes my body physically vibrate with music, and it was a complete rush. I loved it! I felt disoriented upon leaving the church.

B and I usually go to the interfaith service on 9/11 as well, but this year it wasn't being held until 5:00 and he wanted to come back to my place to watch the men's finals of the US Open. So after lunch, we did just that. I had grand plans to get some reading done, but I started to feel really tired and run down.

I'm not much of a tennis person, but B narrated the game for me as it went on, and we just joked around and hung out and had a good time together. I fell asleep for a portion of the match, and when I woke up he told me that Agassi had lost momentum. Oh well... B stuck around until the match ended (at about 7:00) and then he took off for his girlfriend's. I was feeling worse and worse and was sure I just needed some sleep. I figured I could wake up really early today and do my work if I let myself get to bed early.

So that's just what I did--I was in bed last night by 10:00 and asleep by 11:00! The only problem? This morning, I just couldn't get myself up. I was so fucking tired! I totally treat myself like a machine. I routinely go on only 3-4 hours of sleep, socializing every night while I pump my body full of drugs and alcohol, causing me to spend half my life with a hangover. Then, I run all around the city teaching one class short of a full time schedule while still being enrolled as a full time student; I take voice lessons twice a week and go to choir once a week, and I expect it all to be fine. I don't think so. My body just isn't going to do it for me anymore. I feel like I need to make some important decisions and to prioritize things or else my health is going to give. (And what better time is there to do it than now, when Narc is gone? By the way... yesterday marks one week with no Narc communication. I've got to stop obsessing, though. Honestly, I am getting a little better...)

So I'm trying to organize my day right now. To make matters worse, today marks the first day of the U.N.'s General Assembly meeting just steps from where I live. I think it's something like 180 world leaders that will be moving with their security around my neighborhood. On Wednesday we get to welcome our esteemed President himself. On top of that, there's going to be protests, rallies and vigils all week long at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, again--just steps from my door. It's going to be quite a week to try to get around here.

I guess that's it for now. I'm not in a very reflective mood. I'm more stressed about getting everything done that needs to be done today, so I don't have much more to say.

Later!

-h-

You Decide!

NDN is dozing on my couch. He's stoned beyond belief. To tell you the truth, I'm a little stoned myself. I'm still within belief, but that's a mere coincidence.

NDN and I are remarkably lucky to have found each other. Here's the deal-- We both totally think this is normal and wouldn't give it a second thought (if it weren't for the fact that we freaked out a couple of NDN's friends tonight and drove them from the premises. This is the second time in a week, if you recall Rehtaeh and the Composer.) It's 1:18 am and we just finished gulfing down a feast of goodies that NDN purchased in Brighton Beach for the express purpose of a Russian feast. He wasn't sure when such a feast might occur, but it just so happens that we dined together this evening.

The time? At approximately midnight. What was the music of choice? Elvis Presley's Aloha From Hawaii. The atmosphere of choice? Being stoned off your ass. The drink of choice? Georgian Red Wine. (Please note, NDN thought the wine tasted like blood. I assured him, from experience, that he was not quite right). What was the activity of choice? Scarf down Russian food.

Coincidence that we are neighbors? Or is it fate?

You decide.

Flashbacks

You'd think that now that Narc is gone, I'd finally get some uninterrupted sleep. Not so. I guess people are used to my late night habits.

3:38 am: Incoming call from Oc.

3:40 am: Incoming call from IrishBird.

I was half-unconscious and both times thought it was Narc. Weird flashbacks. Grrr.... Obviously, it was not him. He's in Bordeaux today.

Anyway, too bad I stayed in and went to bed early last night. Looks like there were some adventures to be had.

Today's going to be a library day. Tomorrow's going to be all about 9/11.

Later....
-h

Anxious on Bulgarian

Just got this email from Anxious. She's still with BulgarianGuy. She wanted to tell me that BulgarianGuy is buying her diamonds. (Oh wait... They're actually white sapphires). Keep in mind--her birthday's not for another month...

I'm wondering if you all will have the same reaction that I had...

___________________

Hey Hyde,

It's long, but copy and paste this string of spaghetti into your URL line:

Anxious' Necklace

It really looks like nothing in the picture -- a gray blob, as opposed to the shimmering, diamondy-looking reality. But you get the general idea. It's a lovely pendant that I've wanted for years and years. Buke almost bought it for me 2 or 3 years ago, but he dragged his heels and it sold out. So this time, I called the museum store to make sure they had it in stock, went in person to confirm they wouldn't sell out before this weekend and then dragged BulgarianGuy over to buy it in person. It was an act of altruism -- he was desperately afraid he'd have to figure out what to get me all by himself, and I think he was quite relieved to be spoon-fed. :)

See you tomorrow!!

Love,
Anxious
____________________

So? What's the verdict?

-H-

Renewed Resolve

Okay. I have renewed resolve. I'm going to try to attack this drinking thing again. Narc is gone, I have a ton of school work, and there's no time like the present.

Spent the first half of today having brunch with B and detoxing. Then I went to get a haircut. When I looked at myself in the mirror (as I had plenty of time to do while the guy was cutting my hair), I looked tired. I look more tired than I should. My eyes are getting red rimmed. And it can't be good for my skin. I don't want to prematurely age. It sucks.

Now my hair is bouncy and beautiful and I have to go to a voice lesson. As I was out late last night, I think I'll stay in tonight and do some work. Trying to redefine. Carve out some new spaces, as Hammer put it the other day.

We'll see how it goes...

-h

Questions Answered

I'm tired, tired, TIRED!

Home from my killer day and running over that never-ending nightly debate in my mind about whether or not to go "out" tonight. Hammer mentioned a possible party on the Lower East Side. I haven't heard from her yet, though, so I guess it's not going to happen.

Anyway, I figured I'd answer Charby's questions first, and then throw one out to all of you-- a little dilemma I'm having with my super.

So, here it goes:

1 - Favourite song ever? And guilty pleasure - I'm talking about real cheesy songs here that no-one else should know about.

For my favorite song, I have to say I'm a sap. I love sad versions of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." For guilty pleasures (and I should feel really guilty about this), I like to listen to Elvis gospel. It's bad. But anything by Elvis is good in my book.

(Boy, my Boy!)

2 - Where would you be ideally in 5 years time? Married, kids? living abroad?

In five years? That would put me at 31... Holy shit. Your question is freaking me out.

Okay, let me try to calm down... Hmmm...

I will have finished my dissertation by then and I will officially be "Dr. Hyde," (a scary thought). I will hopefully have straightened a lot of shit out and found a somewhat stable and loving relationship. I guess I hope to be thinking about marriage and kids, but not quite there yet. I'll probably be working on starting my career, degree in hand, and living wherever I get the best job, although New York will forever be in my blood and my home of choice. I just hope that I'm happy, whatever I'm doing.

3 - The ultimate pet---- giraffe? Leopard? What? extinct or imaginary?

I already have the ultimate pet--my very own Mr. Rochester. I get very intensely committed. Mr. Rochester has my heart and I can't even think of another. (Although, I have to admit, I've always wanted a horse).

4 - Who's at your dinner party and what do you serve them?

Is this a real or an imagined dinner party? I'm not one for celebrities and that kind of thing. I think it would be cool to have a dinner party for this whole little blogging community. The conversation would be endless, don't you think? I don't know what I would serve. Maybe spaghetti and meatballs because that's one of the only things I make really well. Then again, I've been known to plan a "historical" feast or two. Once I through a Renaissance luncheon, everything prepared out of a book called "Shakespeare's Kitchen." Another time, I threw a Medieval dinner party. In both cases the food was interesting, and the parties were a lot of fun. I may not be a born cook, but I'm smart, can follow a recipe, and am really into recreating historical moments. Of course, it would have to be a costume party as well. Oh, and everyone would have to toast with Jack Daniels. ;)

5 - salt and vinegar crisps (chips) or cheese and onion?

There's no competition--salt and vinegar.

Okay, so now for my other dilemma:

NDN was just over here gossiping with me, and catching up on the day's events. He told me that he bumped into my super and that the super had a few things to say about me. Basically, the super heard from the temporary night doorman (his nephew) that I got in really late on Tuesday and brought back a couple with me. The super also told NDN that he should "watch out for me." I'm really pissed off about all of this. I think it's completely unprofessional for the super and the doorman to be gossiping about me behind my back. But that's one thing. The fact that the super went on to tell NDN my business is an entirely other issue! What if NDN and I were seeing each other? Or what if I had a crush on him or something? The super has no idea what the nature of our friendship is, so what right does he have to pass on my private life to someone else in the building? I am so mad, I'm steaming. I'm just too tired to let it all out right now. I want to say something to the super--that it's inappropriate, that this is my home, and that I have the right to privacy. The only thing is, I don't want to make matters worse by drawing attention to something that might have been said in passing and then forgotten.

Advice?

And as for the questions game-- if anyone else has any questions they want to throw my way, ask ahead.

Later....

-Hyde-

Recovery Room

Today was spent recovering.

I went out late last night... Way WAY later than I should have.

Overall, I had a fairly good day despite the chaos of my Tuesday/Thursday schedule. There was a slight crisis in the late afternoon in which the book store didn't have a book that I needed to read, nor did any bookstore in this whole fucking city! (I called them all). It also involved a rather frenzied phone call to the library in which I told a very unhelpful librarian to "fuck off" before hanging up on her. (Damn it, Hyde! Where is all that agression coming from?) I got over it though, and revised my plans. I was a little manic yesterday, but I think the energy played well in the classroom. For the second day in a row, a student stayed after to tell me he liked the class. (It was not the same student, mind you).

Last night on my way home I caught up with Hammer on the phone. Then I stopped in at Cheers. It was a strange night. Well, primarily because I was in a strange mood. Narc is gone. Gone from my city. He's just not here whether that's good for me or bad for me. He's not here, whether I want to call him or not. It felt strange. I've also been telling myself for the longest time that I'll cut off contact "when he leaves," that the drunk dialing will stop "when he goes on his trip," that I'll get serious about the whole thing. Now that that moment is here it's scaring me a little.

IrishBird and I took turns playing music on the jukebox and a man from Afghanistan commented on how much skin I was showing. (I was in jeans and a long sleeved shirt with the sleeves pushed up. And it was NOT low cut!) I also talked to a strange businessman who kept talking about having seen Bruce Springsteen at the Grammy Awards right after 9/11. He gave me his card. NDN stopped by and told me to "behave myself" (not in so many words). Towards the end of the night a man and woman came in together. I thought they were a couple, but it turns out that they were brother and sister.

I'm really too tired to go into any detail on last night's adventures, so I'll keep it brief. The brother, sister and I left the bar together and came back to my place where we coked up a little. They're visiting from Manchester and staying at a nearby hotel. Since they said they were from Manchester, I decided I had to take them to the Manchester pub. I have no fucking clue what time it was that we finally ventured back out, but it must have been late, because the pub was closed. Could it really have been 3:00-4:00 am at that point? I guess so... Instead we went to FuBar. After a little while there, the girl said that she wanted to take off and I ended up making out with her brother.

This morning I woke up to find myself still in my lace-up boots but without my pants, and wearing a different pair of underwear than what I had on the previous night. Venturing a little further, I found a used condom on the floor.

Lovely.

(I have to note, that I still haven't processed this--being with someone other than Narc. I mean, you all know I hooked up with the Stallion back in April, but it's only been Narc, Narc, Narc for the longest time! I feel all sorts of strange things right now--guilt primary among them. I haven't forgotten that he called me a "whore.")

Normally I'd ramble on longer about all of this, but I really don't have any energy right now. What woke me after just 3-4 hours of sleep? It was my therapist calling to tell me I was late for our phone appointment. I talked to her for an hour, but I was still drunk. It wasn't fun. In fact, it was a bitch to wake up to a used condom, a headache and a soul-searching conversation about my fucked up relationship with Narc.

Later, Hammer called and asked if I wanted to meet her for lunch. We ate some pretty bad food and then headed up to Columbia to go to the library together. We hung out for a chunk of the afternoon and then I went to my voice lesson. I sang well, but felt like shit all day today. I was running a fever (and still am) and Hammer said the whiskey smell hung on me all day long.

Yuck!

I really feel like I pushed myself too far yesterday, especially considering my new killer schedule, so I skipped choir and stayed at home tonight watching a million episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO In Demand.

That's it for now. It's not even 10:30 pm but I want to get into bed. I'm not feeling well and have a really long day tomorrow.

Good night!

-H-

Labor Day and Change

I have to say-- it really does feel good to be back to work and to have a full plate. Without any effort, I majorly cut down on my alcohol last week. I went out drinking on Tuesday night and then not again until Friday. I drank a little bit on Sunday, but not much, as I don't really drink around my family. Not bad, eh? This week, I know I'll be too wiped out today and Thursday to go out and party. As for Wednesday night--I have choir rehearsal until 10:00 and I know I have to wake up early the next morning, so that won't be a drinking night either. That will bring me all the way to Friday again without a single weeknight on the bottle. I am feeling optimistic about all of that.

I just finished teaching my first two classes of the day-- we wrapped up the Persians and then went on to Classical Greece in the first. The second was a whirlwind tour of the Enlightenment.

Anyway, getting on with it...

Last week left me utterly exhausted on Thursday night and for most of Friday. I went to bed relatively early on Thursday, and like I said, lay in bed for the bulk of Friday morning crying about Katrina. But I donated $50.00 to the Red Cross and pulled myself together by mid-afternoon. I had heard news of a free Gretchen Wilson concert over in Union Square Park, so after that, as I know IrishBird loves her, I stopped by Cheers to give her the flyer. IrishBird was shocked to see me before noon. (It was kind of strange, I guess). She had to do some business for Cheers at a bank over on First Avenue, so I walked her there, and caught her up on my new semester along with the Narc situation. Then I took off for my voice lesson.

I have to say, my lessons are going remarkably well lately. While I'm still not quite in the place that I'd like to be, my voice is getting stronger and stronger (the more I sleep and the less coke I use) and I'd like to keep it that way. I really enjoyed my lesson, and afterwards headed back home to clean up my house a bit.

At around 5:00 or so, NDN called me and reminded me that he was organizing an event for the evening. He asked if I'd like to join him along with Oc and his friend Kar for a trip to the Bohemian Beer Garden in Astoria. I agreed to meet them at Cheers at 6:45 and to leave from there.

I had two drinks at Cheers and updated Oc on Narc while smoking outside. I hadn't seen Oc in a few weeks and so he didn't know anything about what had happened. While I look "back to normal" today, on Friday there was still a bit of swelling and discoloration under the makeup caked onto my left cheek. Shortly enough, we took off for Queens.

NDN has some interest in Kar, although not of the "long-term-relationship" type, but it was fascinating to see that at work. When we got to the beer hall, we met two actor friends of NDN's and a friend of theirs--Brad. The pitchers of beer were overflowing, but I for one am not a beer drinker. I stuck to my trusty Jack Daniels instead. A lot went on that night, but I'll skip to some of the highlights.

At one point, egged on by his friends at our table, NDN got up and started to dance around on the large platform in the center of the garden. Clearly, he was drunk, and after the look of surprise and slight shock on Kar's face, I decided to try to "save" him. I got up and whispered to him that he was embarrassing himself. He thanked me and went off for a pitcher of beer. But apparently his antics had earned the attention of the table adjacent to ours. When he returned, they clapped for him and a young lady said that she would have danced with him had he remained on the dance floor. This opportunity was too much for him to resist, so this time around, NDN and the woman from the neighboring table danced together. At one point he lifted her into the air, high above his head. He's lucky that he didn't drop her in the state that he was in! All of the excitement provoked a wider conversation between our two tables, and we moved over to sit with them.

There were some interesting characters at that table--a girl who told us her name was Rehtaeh (or "Heather" spelled backwards) and a guy who is studying as a classical composer at the Juilliard school, among others. Oc had the brilliant idea to go back to his loft in Greenpoint (which is in Brooklyn, for you non-New Yorkers) where we could make some film shorts. (Oc is a graduate of film school and an aspiring filmmaker). NDN's actor friends had already left, but we managed to convince Rehtaeh and the Composer to join us. Brad said that he had to make a pit-stop but that he would meet us later.

We piled into cabs headed for Brooklyn, and when we got there (after Kar and I made a drunken run to the liquor store) we went to chill on Oc's rooftop. It was weird, though. Once in Brooklyn, Rehtaeh and the Composer got all sullen and strange. NDN said that we "freaked them out." I can't imagine why-- I mean, we were all hyper and drunk, but no one did anything all that unusual. They left shortly and the films never got made. Brad called soon enough, driving over the Williamsburg Bridge and said that he needed directions. As the "directions" expert of the bunch, I was handed the phone, even though I don't know my way around Brooklyn at all. No matter-- drunk or not, with the help of Yahoo maps, I managed to get him to Oc's place.

After that, we just sat up on the roof and talked for hours. I had a "kick ass" time. (As noted in an earlier comment). At about 3:15 am or so, NDN, Kar and I decided it was time to head home. We left Brad to crash at Oc's place. After cabbing back into midtown, NDN and I went to see if Cheers was still open. They were closing up for the night, and I have to say--they were rather cranky about us coming in so late. Whatever... I said my hello's and NDN and I headed to Manchester. It was after 4:00 am, but Maeve served us a drink anyhow. I don't think we got home until nearly 5:00 am. All around, a stellar night. (AND one in which I refrained from any drunk-dialing or drunk-texting. Fantastic!)

On Saturday, as much as I would have liked to sleep in, I found myself awake by 9:00 am. I drank a few red bulls (my favorite item of the moment!) and I tried to rest up to let everything out of my system. It was a very relaxed day and I did a lot of reading for school. I cooked myself dinner, tidied up my house, and turned in early with Saturday Night Live and some Bill Mahr (a la HBO on demand). I didn't want to push it because I knew that Sunday would be a really full day--and it was!

NDN and I met up at 11:30 the next morning in the lobby, heading over to Penn Station where we met NiS and his girlfriend. My mom was throwing a huge Labor Day BBQ (combined with a sort of celebration for LilSis' engagement and BigSis' two-year anniversary which is today). We had perfect weather for the day. The guest list? My immediate family, my aunt and uncle, Bro-in-Law's family (including his sister, her husband and the two kids who I love to pieces!), Bro-in-Law's cousin and his wife (T&S), BigSis' friend from college (named "English"), several members of the W family, JBC's two friends, some nurses from my brother's hospital, and the people from my mom's office and their families. T&S are quite a trip. They're always talking about sex, sex, sex! I mean, you know me--I have no problem doing it, but talking about it is a whole other thing--especially at a family BBQ! I'd be surprised if they weren't swingers or something. When I asked "what was new," S told me that T had "just bought her her first lap dance ever!" She went on to complain that the strip bar they visited in Florida was a "no touching" place. Too bad!

Later on in the evening, as the W family and English started to get drunk, there were some interesting dynamics. English went on one date with AW a year or so ago, and that was playing itself out. Also, HW started saying some really strange things to me about relationships in general and about B in particular. On top of that, all of the W's thought that NDN and I were "together" and it was annoying to have to keep explaining that we're not. It's strange how some people have no qualms about putting their two cents in when it comes to your personal life.

Even later in the evening (and at this point it was probably around 11:30), my cell phone rang. It was the Narc! I thought I had made such progress writing him off in my head, and deciding to ban him forever more from my heart, but when the phone rang, my heart flipped over and I rushed to pick it up. I moved away from the crowd and sat in a dark corner of the deck in my mom's backyard. He was very clearly drunk.

"Is this Hyde, or is this her machine?" he asked.

"No, Narc. This is most definitely Hyde herself," I said.

"Well, I'm just calling to tell you I'm still alive," he slurred. "I'm still alive."

"That's good to know. I'm glad you called to tell me that. I thought you weren't talking to me."

"No! I was never not talking to you."

"Whatever, Narc. You know that you haven't been talking to me. You never answered my email from last week or my drunk-dial. It doesn't matter though. I know you're leaving on Tuesday."

"That's right. I'm leaving for a month..."

Then there was an awkward pause.

"So?" he began, "What are you doing right now?"

"If you want me to come see you, I can't. I'm at a party on Long Island."

"A party?"

"Yeah. A pool party."

"Oh, c'mon, Hyde! So, what? Should I cut you off? Should I cut you off?"

"What? I don't know, Narc... I'm not sure what you mean by that. But you're not going to see me tonight."

"Should I call you tomorrow?"

"If you want to..."

I felt strange. Unresolved, but somehow compelled. And I was very, very nervous.

"But I don't think I can see you tomorrow, either," I said. "I guess it'll have to wait for you to get back."

"Look, Hyde... What do you expect me to do? I should cut you off, right?"

Why did he keep repeating that? The conversation went on like that for a little while.

"What about your friends?" I asked. "How are you friends in New Orleans? Are they okay? I've been worrying about them. I know you have a lot of people there."

"Yeah... As far as I know, they all got out," he said.

"That's good."

"I should cut you off, though."

"What?"

"I should cut you off!"

And with that, he hung up on me. I guess that's what he meant by it.

I felt shaken up by the whole thing. NDN saw me sitting alone and came over to find out what had happened. I recounted the entire conversation to him. He reminded me of what an asshole Narc is. I know that. But I don't know how he manages to make me lose my nerve every single time. What's wrong with me???

Anyway, we moved over to sit with my sister, English, Bro-in-Law, T&S, LilSis and JBC. All of us had decided to spend the night at my mom's place. There was a particularly funny moment when English reached for a piece of steak believing it to be a brownie and was caught by surprise. We all had a good laugh. I had held out on alcohol all afternoon, but my nerves were shattered by the Narc-reappearance, so I drank a bottle of wine, which left me a little tipsy. Finally, at around 1:00 am, we all headed to bed. NDN and I were placed up in my step-brother's former room.

I was restless and wanted to send Narc a text. I knew that if I didn't he would forget that he had ever called me. I wanted him to know that he was the one who had issued the last drunk-phone call, and not me! I wrote to him:

Glad You called and glad to know you're still alive. Have a great trip. Either call me tomorrow like you said or I'll see you when you get back...Best always, -H

I know it was probably a weak thing to do, but whatever... I did it.
(By the way, NDN made me capitalize the "You." Ha!)

That night, as NDN and I were trying to sleep, Narc called me again and left a message. That was at about 2:30 am. He said:

Hey, Hyde. It's Narc. I um... Well, I don't know, I just um... I can't sleep. I'm tossing and turning and I'm pacing around. I'm smoking far more cigarettes than I should and I shouldn't even be calling you. I mean, I'm SURE. But... I'm taking off for a month in about a day. And I thought I would call you. Because you sent me a text. Um... I don't know why. You just did. So I'm calling you back. Um... Alright! If you get this in the next little bit, call me back. Otherwise I'll see you in a month, or whenever. Alright. Bye.

I didn't plan on calling him back. I mean, first of all, the man is either crazy or has more nerve than I've ever imagined. What does he mean that he's only calling me because I sent him a text? What does he mean when he says he doesn't know why I sent that text? Did he forget that he called me just three hours earlier? Or is this just another attempt to deny my reality and make it seem like I'm the needy one? I couldn't call him back. What else was there to say?

Of course, I had to wake up and check the message in the middle of the night. And of course, the message left me restless. That being the case, I growled when my mom tried to wake me up the next day. With no red bull in sight, I had to settle for coffee while NDN and I worked out our plans for the beach.

Soon enough, we were off. The weather was absolutely perfect for a beach day and the water was a sparkling blue-green. I did some reading for school and ate a snow-cone while NDN swam for a while and rolled in the sand. I tried to avoid the sunburn debacle of a few weeks ago, and aside from a patch I missed on my ankle, I did a pretty good job of it. At around 2:00 we headed back to my mom's place and watched an episode of Law & Order before catching the 4:30 train.

Last night B came over and we just hung out and caught up on stuff. He is getting pretty nervous about his Oral Exams this week, and I'm nervous for him! I fell asleep really early last night, well aware that it would be the last night that Narc and I are in the same city for quite some time, and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

This morning, teaching went fine, until I had an annoying student show up at my office hours and want to know why she got a "D" last semester. I checked my records and discovered it's because she never did the paper (which was 20% of her grade). She asked if she could do the assignment now, and I told her "no." I couldn't believe it! I would never be able to approach a teacher for a grade-change like that knowing that I hadn't completed the major assignment of the semester!

Anyway, I'm off to grab lunch and to finish the readings for my 4:00 class. Can't believe I got this post done in time!

-Hyde-

A Quickie

I'm just going to post a quickie. I don't have enough time to write extensively right now, but I'm afraid that tomorrow with it's packed schedule will leave me too exhausted, and I feel like waiting for Wednesday is just entirely too long!

Basically, my Tuesday/Thursday schedule filled with teaching and going to class is an absolute killer. It left me so wiped out on Thursday night that I declined an invitation from Hammer to go to a party with her not far from my house. Who was hosting the party? Why her very own Narcissist! She hasn't seen him in a couple of years, but it is he who inspired the naming of my Narc.

On Friday I spent the entire morning watching Katrina coverage and crying. Up until that point, I didn't realize the extent of what went on there and it really blew me away. It was a rough morning. Later, I did some work and then took a voice lesson. That night I went out with NDN and Oc. I'll elaborate on that in the next post. It was quite fun.

Saturday was spent resting, recovering and reading. I didn't even go out Saturday night, but rather, watched TV and went to bed by 2:00 am.

Sunday I spent at a family BBQ. NDN came with me, along with NiS and his girlfriend. Many members of the WK family were there as well. (That's the family with whom I went to the wedding in San Francisco in August). Then, last night, it finally happened--Narc broke his week long silence and called me. We spoke for about three minutes. I sent him a text later that night, and he called again at 2:30 am. I was in bed asleep for the second call, and I never called him back. I'm not going to. He's off to Europe tomorrow. (His first stop is London. All of you on that side of the pond--sorry for you, but he's coming your way!)

Today NDN and I went to the beach. Then there was more reading of depressing articles about the Holocaust for me. Now I'm home and expecting B any minute.

I'll try to write more tomorrow in between everything else.

Hope you all enjoyed the Labor Day weekend! The weather was gorgeous!

Later!

Hyde

The Purchase

Yesterday I went out and bought a new shirt--the exact same shirt as I left at Narc's place.

The end.

E-mail Follies

A friend of mine (who wishes to remain anonymous) recently sent a stupid email. (Or at least she feels stupid about it). She met a guy online and exchanged a few e-mails with him before they formally met at a party. They didn't quite hit it off. She was left feeling unsettled and today sent him the following letter:

She wrote:

Hey ---------,

thanks for the glass of champagne. I hope you had fun at your party. I needed to say that I got the feeling that I was burdening you or holding you back from "crowd surfing" that you were doing the other night. You seem to really want a girlfriend, which is cool. I am not quite at the "wanting-a-boyfriend" point. I think I really needed to say that I felt very uncomfortable the other night, when you whispered to some other girls while we were talking. It made me want to run away fast in the other direction. I am sorry that I called your party "snobby" or if you felt I was not pretty enough for you. I got the feeling that you were judging me so much, and you were looking for more makeup, or more breasts, or a more party-girl. All I know is, I'm just me-- I'm into making new friends, I'm not necessarily seeking l'homme de ma vie, and I felt that I needed to tell you that there was a certain degree of tension that I just wanted to be blunt about.

that's all, and thanks,

-Hyde's friend

His Response:

Dear Friend of Hyde,

Reading these few words fills me with great sadness. You cannot judge a person after a 2mn talk. You cannot judge a person who is receiving 600 guests and taking care of each one of them in addition of the organization of the event. But if it's what you think or feel, I'm not even trying to convince you of the contrary. I did not "judge" you, because I do not know you and you do not know me either. But what I can tell is that you take things far too seriously.

Enjoy the rest of your summer

-xxxxx

So that's that. I told her to let it go. Just scrap it! On to bigger and better, right? Aren't we all?

-H-

Ghosts in Autumn

Yay! September! Autumn is almost here!
But this morning I couldn't help but think about ghosts.

When B and I went to New Orleans a few years ago, we did one of those cheesy ghost tours. I absolutely loved it. I could feel the weight of that city. It hung everywhere in thick air and cracked paint. I was wrapped up in the creaking and colors of the French Quarter. It smelled like history there. So now, I can't help but wonder-- What has happened to all of those ghosts in the flooding wake of Katrina?

Maybe I'm sick to be wondering about ghosts when so many people have lost their homes, livelihoods or even worse--their lives or loved ones. But I can't help it! I've always been a superstitious overwhelming romantic wanabee-mystic escapist. There's not enough plain old social activism in my nature. And although I suffer a great deal of "bourgeois guilt" because of it, I can't help where my imagination wanders. I just can't help the fact that when disaster strikes, I wonder about ghosts.

The past has been rising all around me lately. Not the distant past of my childhood, but the more recent past of who I was and where I was before the Narc saga began. This morning I passed the site of the old Hard Rock Cafe, only to notice that it had changed locations. No more pink Cadillac jutting out onto 57th street! Instead, there were signs posted in the window announcing the move to Time Square. "Elvis has left the building," they read. I was listening to Elvis as I passed by and it made me sad. I don't know why. I'm weird...

Last night, memory was doing strange things to me. I went to my first choral rehearsal which happens to be in the neighborhood of Columbia (where I did my undergrad). I could feel the gnawing presence of "time." I kept seeing myself--my former self around every corner. The building where rehearsals are held brought to mind VJ and a particularly sad time in her life. It made me reflective. After rehearsal, I walked on Claremont and passed the dorm where I spent my first summer in New York City. That was the summer after my sophomore year of high school (I came as part of Barnard's summer program for high school kids. God, was that really 11 years ago already???). It was an amazing summer. I took three classes--one in film, one in art and one in literature. I drew from live models and wrote a paper on NY City graffiti and another on Eisenstein's Battleship Potemkin. I really came into my own that summer. I remember sitting in the Museum of Modern Art, sketching from Picasso and even Duchamps. I even remember my first visit to a Starbucks. It was an "event" back then. There were only one or two in the city and I had to go all the way to 86th street to find one. Now they're on every corner. You just can't escape the dreadful uniformity. (Although I still go there all the time to drink overpriced coffee and do work!). Walking down Claremont, I peeked into the window of Eliot Hall, catching a glimpse of the student lounge. I remembered sitting there with my summer-roommate, Emily. She had long curly red hair, the color of fire, and was reading "Angels in America" all summer long. She was older and wiser by a year or two, and back then, that made all the difference.

I tried to shrug off the sense of passing time, but glancing up at the back wall of Barnard's quad to my left, I imagined GoldenFinch. She lived there our sophomore year. I used to look at that wall of windows, able to tell which was hers by the Christmas lights dangling there. I remembered the day that my sister came to visit and the three of us were being silly in GoldenFinch's room, listening to Phantom of the Opera and dancing around with scarves. I burst out with a high E at the end of one of the songs, much to everyone's amazement (including my own, as I only sang mezzo at the time!). I remembered sitting at GoldenFinch's computer, pouring over emails from PZ, one of the grad student/teachers in the music department, with whom GoldenFinch fell head over heels in love. The love remained unrequited.

I was so tired last night though. Tired and a little depressed. It was 10:45 pm and I still hadn't eaten dinner. I decided to head into Ollies to grab some takeout before heading home. Whenever I used to eat there, I would always order their spinach wonton soup. They're the only place around that makes spinach wontons and they're really good. (They don't even have them at the Ollies near Lincoln Center!). Being back in that restaurant, again, brought a strange feeling. The inside was newly renovated and trendy, but not much had changed aside from that-- it was still bustling with the same crowded "take a number" chaos. The homeless man peddling on the corner was the same guy who had been there all through my college years, and the man working the newsstand outside was the same one who used to flirt with me whenever I bought calling cards to call B in the Philippines. Weird. As I waited for my food, I thought of VJ and our post-class discussions over plates of piping hot steamed chicken. We had so much fun when we lived together! Again, I was surrounded by ghosts.

University life is a strange thing. Students come and go and the cycle endlessly repeats itself. The indifference of the territory for those who pass through it seems almost callous to me. Everyone there is the same age. They will always be the same age. Everything is the same, only slightly varied--everything except for me. It was like moving through a strange version of my memory. The world was vacant and unreal. I half expected to bump into someone that I knew, but those people moved away from there long ago.

The whole thing put me in such a strange mood. As I left the restaurant, a mob of about 10 girls passed me, clumped together, dressed up for a night on the town, giddy, and nervously laughing. They were probably freshman, fresh out of orientation week, all dolled up to hang out at some crummy pub like the West End. I felt old. Very old. And strange.

I got into a cab and called B. He didn't pick up, so I left him a message. Suddenly I was overwhelmed and overcome with anxiety. What prompted it? I don't know. Life in general, I guess. To be honest, I still haven't processed what went down between me and Narc. I could feel it coming up and it choked me.

How could he have said the things that he said? How could those be his words? His thoughts? How could he profess to love me and hurt me like that at the same time? Did he lie for the whole year whenever he showed me love? How could he have spent a whole year with me and still have absolutely no idea who I am? How can he think that I'm that awful? Why does he hate me so much? What did I do wrong?

Ugh! This is pointless. You know what? Fuck it! I don't even care about those things. What I care about is how this all ends...

How can he be not returning my email or my drunk-dials? How can he just ignore the whole thing and let it go like that? I hate him! I HATE HIM!!!

I feel so powerless when it comes to Narc. Nothing is in my control, including my own feelings. And now he's just disappeared into thin air. It's not that I want to see him or talk to him. I still haven't forgiven him. It's just that I can't talk to him that's driving me crazy. He's put up a wall against me. He's gone.

All of these things were whirling around me last night. They weren't so much realized thoughts as they were a singular anxious feeling-- a feeling of frustration, a sense of the past, unarticulated thoughts about where I am with my life, about the people and places I've left behind and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of loss. I sharply felt the loss of what I went through in early June as well. I was tired and I still had work to do. I called B back.

He was on the phone and couldn't talk. I needed a friend though. One who has known me for a long time... one who was there with me in the places I had just walked. I called Liu.

It was great to talk to her. I miss having her around so much. We gabbed on the phone for nearly the whole cab ride home, and continued on while I ate my dinner. It was just what I needed.

Later NDN stopped by and we caught up on the status of his romantic life. Finally, wiped out from the start of the semester and the emotional pain caused by Narc, I did some work and went to bed.

Sleep was strange last night. I didn't get to bed until around 1:00 am and I was falling off my feet by the time my head hit the pillow. It was the first night in a long time that I've gone to bed without either a man or alcohol. But even though I was tired, it took me a while to fall asleep. And even though I only slept for about 5 1/2 hours (my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning), I woke up at least six times during the night. It's okay though. In the end, it was a rather delicious sleep. Each and every time I woke up, I felt cushioned by my super soft down comforter, as if I were on a cloud. It was literally speaking, a "comforter." I turned the air up, keeping the room like an icebox, snuggling deeper into the blankets just to keep my nose warm. God, how I miss the winter! When I woke up this morning, I was still tired. My jaw hurt and I know that it must be from grinding my teeth all night long. Even so, I somehow felt more like myself... somehow refreshed.

This morning I stuck an Elvis CD in my discman and hit the road. (I feel like a technological dinosaur. I really need to get an I-Pod one of these days. I just keep thinking that I don't really need one though, and I have other things to spend my money on). On my way out, I bumped into Druggie in the elevator. It was strange to see him before 9:00 am-- on the morning side of things. We said hello and made some stilted chit chat. Then he asked me if I could lend him a "couple of dollars."

"What do you need a couple of dollars for?" I smiled.

"Uh... um..." he mumbled in his druggie sort of way. "To get downtown, I guess."

I had $5.00 in my pocket. I so shouldn't have given it to him, but I found his answer mildly amusing.

"Are you going to pay me back?" I asked.

"Oh, uh, yeah... I'll pay you back," was his half-lidded reply.

"Promise?"

"Yeah, I promise!"

"Okay, then..."

I gave him the money and I was off.

I still have a lot I want to blog about--talking to that guy Roman at Cheers and my first day of teaching and classes on Tuesday, my trip to the Speech Therapist yesterday and my first choir rehearsal last night! But I don't have time for all that now, so I'll have to leave it for the next post.

And as for the obligatory Narc-analysis, all I have to say is that I've accepted the fact that he's not going to contact me until he's back from Europe. Not that I really want him to, but part of me is aching for the acknowledgment of my feelings that would come with an apology. And like I said before, I just can't stand the fact that he's unavailable to me to me right now. It's totally a "security" thing. I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I know that he knows what went down between us, and he knows that I'm hurt. He just doesn't want to have to deal with taking responsibility for my feelings. There's nothing new about that. So let him be a coward and pretend that he's the victim of my "histrionic irrationality" and I'll just have to suck it up and go on with things. Nothing else to do about it, right?

Okay, that's it for now... I'm off got to go teach another class!

-Hyde-