TT's Tongue

I was supposed to spend the evening with Hammer watching Borat until I decided I was too lazy to meander down to the West Village. So... how did I end up with TT's tongue down my throat?

I really don't understand why he is still interested in me. But he really is... He told me that he is "lusting for me" and he thinks I am "an amazing woman." He said that he's "trying to behave," but that I make it difficult because I'm "so damn cute."

That all freaks me out. I don't even understand that... it's like he's speaking another language. I felt nothing... numb... I wanted to laugh as if it were all a joke. I felt out of myself and distracted and annoyed that I don't know how to say "no" when someone wants to put his tongue down my throat.

With a tongue in my mouth (and a pang in my gut) all I can think about is Narc. Meanwhile, Narc has been ignoring me all week long. On Thursday morning I got the gall to send him a text: I hate it when you don't answer my texts, I wrote. I hope everything is OK...

(Of course I had to couch it in a way that made it look like I was merely concerned about HIM. Nothing is allowed to be about ME... God forbid!)

He wrote back: Am still here. Going to get my blood tested again today...

And that was the last I heard from him even though I called him last night and then texted him around 10:00 today: How was your day?

Narc isn't interested in me right now. And so, I have no power. I have to just accept it and wait. I can't have him until he summons me again. I hate it.

I am overwhelmed with guilt and self hatred these days. Things are coming up for me that I haven't allowed myself to think about ever. I told my therapist something today that I've never told to another living soul. It has thrown me into a state of confusion. It makes me hate myself, but I know that it is a step towards coming to terms with myself. Everything is in flux. I don't know who I am. With Narc, it's easy-- I'm negated. When I'm with Narc, I have to be Narc. There is no Hyde. I'm annihilated and I love it. Yes... that's why I like it, I think. I am relieved of the burden of existence. (Except that never really works... part of me always remains and it gets eaten away at more and more each time). But with TT, I don't know who to be. I don't even know who to be when I'm alone with myself. I think that's why it's harder for me to blog these days.

I had a good day today-- a really difficult therapy session in the morning, some work on my fourth step, coffee with Anxious (and a shopping spree at Mac) and then an evening AA meeting.

I didn't think it would end up like this-- 1:30 am and my new hot pink lip lacquer all kissed off.

I saw PumpedUp tonight. He was a little tipsy and told me that the last words that IrishBird said to him were "I don't ever want to speak to you or see your face again!" He was sad. He gave me a Cheers t-shirt which I love. Is it weird for an alcoholic to cherish and want to wear a t-shirt from her favorite bar?

I kissed TT, but I'm so anxious about Narc tonight. If only this were the old days, I'd be drunk right now... I could call Narc drunk. We would go to the Patriot and I could feel passionate.

It's hard to find passion when you have no fucking clue who you are anymore.

Ugh. I better go to bed. I'm going to a 9:15 women's meeting tomorrow morning.

I'm confused. Did I say that already?

love,
h