Dissipation

I will never get used to people I care about disappearing into thin air. I have resigned myself to the fact that Brick and I are no longer friends... just acquaintances who once "counted days" together. I sent him a text on Friday asking: Are we still friends?

Yes dear, he wrote.

And then yesterday I heard from him again: I do need my clothes though... i am going to the Florida roundup.

That's that.

As for Narc? I can't stand it. I really and truly can't stand it. I feel like my insides are digesting themselves and it hurts and it leaves me a general quivering mess.

I called him on Friday night and left him a dumb-ass message. And then, today I sent him an email. (Monumentally marked in my mind, of course, as "one final try.")


Hey...

I'm feeling really bad. I don't understand why you're not talking to me. Is this it? Are you never going to talk to me again? If so, I'll try to forget about our friendship. But could you please at least explain? I'm confused and I'm feeling rejected and frustrated and hurt.

I've tried to be a good friend to you-- the best that I know how, anyway. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you.

Thanks.
Hyde



Pathetic, no?

In the meanwhile, B called me last night after 11:00, which is unusual for him. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me that he and Drippy were fighting because she feels like I don't make an effort to be her friend. I was dumbfounded, as I've made what I consider to be a supreme effort to be her friend! Starting in November, 2005-- I asked the two of them out for dinner, I invited her to see Rent with my friends, I invited her to a dinner party this summer (and to karaoke with my friends) and I invited her to my birthday party!

"She says that she always comes to your stuff but--"

"But what?" I demanded. "She has never invited me to anything. Not ONCE! And the other day when I called you, she picked up the phone and I said 'Hi Drippy, how are you?' and she just said 'hold on' and disappeared off the phone without any niceties at all!"

"She said that she could hear in your tone that you didn't want to talk to her."

"That's ridiculous," I said. "And that's her insecurity and her problem-- not mine. I'm doing my best."

"She said that you never want to come to our house."

"First of all, B, she never invited me. And second of all-- you're right. I don't want to come to your house. I have a lot of mixed feelings about our relationship and I have a lot of work to do on myself and it will drag up feelings for me that I don't want to confront. Those are my problem, of course, but I'm not going to put myself in something that I'm not ready for. I'm willing to get together with her, get to know her, whatever. Anyway, this is ridiculous. If she has a problem with me, put her on the phone. Let her tell me herself!"

"Hold on," he said, a sigh in his voice.

He was gone for a few minutes. Clearly she refused to talk to me.

"Look, I love you," I said to him. "I have no vested interest in making a problem for you or Drippy. For God's sake! I'm laying here in bed reading a book about Obsessive Love! Clearly I'm wrapped up in Narc. Tell her that I mean her no harm or stress..."

"It would be nice if you would write her an email saying that," he said.

"If I do, I'll do it for you," I told him. "But it's not my responsibility to reassure her. The same way it's not her responsibility to write to me and reassure me that she's not going to interfere in our friendship. If I am insecure about it, I'll deal with it in therapy. Let her go to therapy or at least confront me if she has some concern..."

After we hung up, I felt bad that B is stuck in the middle like that, so I did write an email. To both of them. Here's what I said:


Dear B and Drippy,

I just wanted to write you guys a quick note to let you know how much I wish you both happiness. I am looking forward to a lifetime of friendship with both of you. And of course, that includes getting to know Drippy better over time.

If you'd like to get together for lunch or dinner sometime this week or next, let me know.

Lots of love,
Hyde



B wrote back to me right away this morning:

Thanks, H--this definitely helps. I overslept and have to run to church (doh!!!!!) so let's talk later!

-b

And then I heard from Drippy:

If you're free on Thursday or Friday perhaps you'd like to come by for lunch. I don't know B's schedule, though, so I can't speak for him but I'm sure he's free one of those days. There are a bunch of great places to eat around here, (see the map I made on my signature below) and I've been asking B to invite you over for a long time now.

Drippy

p.s. I've been too busy to do much of anything, much less plan events, but I've been meaning to ask you to help me throw a small surprise 30 and 1/2 birthday party for B. I thought it would be cute and completely unexpected. I'm not sure if I manage on my own, though, since the rest of the semester is just going to get more crazy, so I'd appreciate a hand.


I don't know if it's just me, but I have SO many problems with this. I'm late for AA though, and don't want to get scolded (again!) by my sponsor, so I have to run.

More later...

-h-