Conversations

2:00 am: Hyde blacks out and places a mysterious phonecall to MuscleGuy.

7:06 am: To Hyde, From MuscleGuy
To what honor do I owe the 2am wake up call?

3:47 pm: To Hyde, From MuscleGuy
So... I get the late night call but no response today? Where's the love?

7:28 pm: To MuscleGuy, From Hyde
Sorry to call so late. Midweek partying never a good thing...

7:37 pm: To Hyde, From MuscleGuy
No prob. Wanna hang soon?

I haven't answered that. I'm not sure what to say.

7:21 pm: To Hyde, From Narc
What's up?

7:26 pm: To Narc, From Hyde
Just ate dinner. Rough day today... Spent it recovering from last night. Oops. Love my DVR though. What are you up to?

7:28 pm: To Hyde, From Narc
Thinking of hitting the Johnny Cash bar, but who knows.

7:29 pm: To Narc, From Hyde
I love that place!

7:30 pm: To Hyde, From Narc
Mmm... Cheap whiskey...

7:31 pm: To Narc, From Hyde
Does that mean you want company?

7:32 pm: To Hyde, From Narc
Sure thing, if you like.

7:36 pm: To Narc, From Hyde
Would love to. I'm a bit of a wreck though. Need to go to bed super early & get up early...

7:37 pm: To Hyde, From Narc
Don't think I'll be up too late myself.

7:42 pm: To Narc, From Hyde
Ok. Gotta teach in the morning though, so give me 1/2 hour or so to get my shit together

7:42 pm: To Hyde, From Narc
K.

Oh, and I have a new slogan for the week:
"TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, HYDE!"

Alone

I feel very, very alone.

I fucked up!

I fucked up!

I had a 12 hr. work day yesterday. Then I went to meet Hammer at a bar near school. I drank a lot and hung out with Hammer. Then I hung out with the Wizard. A group of boys were flirting with me. I realized the FedEx symbol has a subliminal arrow embedded in it. Then I came back to my neighborhood and went to Cheers and saw BarMan. Nice. Then I went to Manchester and flirted with strangers and texted JFig. And then, of course, I texted Narc. He didn't answer, but that was as expected. I'm coming on too strong. Then I went home with JFig and we did "medicine" all night. Fuck. It's 7:41 am and I just got home. I think I have to cancel therapy. How the fuck am I going to do that? I'm shit. Total shit. I need to get some sleep before my voice lesson and choir rehearsal. And then I have to write some papers.

Like I said... Total shit.

-h-

'Tis the Season to Work, Work, Work!!!

The season is upon us.
'Tis the season to work, WORK, WORK!!!

The Task:

Grade 120 term papers
Write 2 final exams
Grade 120 final exams
Transfer my attendance records
Calculate final grades

Find topics and write two long papers
Finish a bunch of short papers I've already neglected this semester

Read, READ, READ!!!

Complete my paperwork for next semester's teaching
Order textbooks
Meet with my department chair to figure out my registration issues

And then of course:
(Isn't it a bitch when celebrating becomes a burden? Everything comes at once!)

Another week and a half of choir rehearsals followed by a weekend of concerts
Christmas shop (on no money)
Send my Holiday cards out
Get my tree (and decorate it!)
Do my familial duties celebrating my mom's birthday
Clean my house (a task beyond belief) and stock it with food and alcohol for my party
Clean up after my party (ugh!)
Find my passport somewhere in this mess and pack for Argentina

Take care of my annoying health problems (which I haven't been explicit about here, but it's about to become quite a nuisance and a little time consuming.)

Oh, and wasn't there an exhibit or two I wanted to see before the end of December?

One month from now I'll be in Argentina.
It will all be done.

God willing...

Turning

I don't know if I'm going to have time for a decent length post in the next day or two, so I'll try to give you a brief update on my weekend.

(I don't think I'm ever going to finish the third part of that post on my weekend with Narc from last week. In any event, the only major piece of news coming out of that one was that Narc hasn't spoken to the Exhibitionist for about a month because she's prostituting herself. Good riddance!)

Anyway, on to this past weekend:

Thursday:

I woke up upset with B-- fallout from going to see Rent the night before and telling him I'm still in love with him. We fought on the phone when he cancelled our Saturday morning brunch with his brother. It was all I could do to keep from crying in front of BigSis and Bro-in-Law (on the train ride to Long Island). (Oh-- and B and I rescheduled the brunch for Friday morning).

I have to admit, I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my family. I stuffed myself. And it was GOOD! Narc sent me a text mid-day: Happy Turkey Day. Getting take-out soon. (Poor Narc! All alone on Thanksgiving!)

On the train ride home, I dodged JV-- a boy I went to high school with and with whom I didn't feel like conversing. I texted Narc, but decided I was too tired to meet up with him. (He ended up at Bar & Books with CouchSleeper anyway).

Friday:

I woke up for the brunch with B's brother, but B called me first to "talk things out." I ended up telling him that I think we need to put some distance between us because I can't handle him telling me that he loves me every day and acting like I'm the most important thing in the world to him while he has another girlfriend.

"It makes me feel like crap-- second place," I said.

He ultimately agreed, but it was an incredibly difficult conversation. I spent the entire morning sobbing until my sides hurt, curled up in bed with my blue sweatshirt hood pulled up over my head. (Needless to say, we cancelled the brunch.)

I eventually pulled myself out of bed, showered and downed a bottle of wine, mid-afternoon. Then I decided to go to the Time Warner office to trade in my old cable boxes for new ones with a TiVo option. I texted Narc about it, as he's been bugging me to do it for a while. (Now I'll never have to be without Dr. Phil or my soaps again!)

I spoke to Hammer on the phone and agreed to meet her at her favorite cafe after I got done at Time Warner. We gossiped and I drank a grog. She told me about the Scorpion-- a bitchy girl who is friends with our friend Velma. The Scorpion hangs out at Bar & Books and has only nasty things to say about Narc. I feel so protective over him. Velma may try to bring her to my birthday party, but if she does, something may go down. I don't want anyone to talk that way about the man I love! Anyway, Hammer and I both had some sparkling cider which didn't taste very alcoholic, and we flipped through the pages of Cosmo.

Hammer had to go home to prepare herself to meet Timesy (change her clothes, schminken, etc.), but she's quick about those things, so I said I would wait for her at the Village Tavern. I ate some pretzels and drank jack & diets and shots of Jager. Hammer arrived and we bonded some more, talking about our first kisses, Timesy being a perfect cut out man, and Hammer did a cute "timesy dance."

Finally he showed up, and I caught my first glimpse of the infamous Timesy! Cute. We walked outside and he took control and hailed me a cab. I made a note of it. I was running late to meet NDN and his sister for dinner. She lives in LA, but was in town for Thanksgiving, so it was a unique chance to get to see her.

When I got back to my place, I realized that I had locked my keys inside the apartment. As this was the second time I had done this, I was using the spare set, usually left with the doorman. Now I was screwed. (And tipsy to top it off!) I had the doorman call the super to bust open the door and then I went to meet NDN and his sister at Maharaja.

NDN always describes his sister as a "jappier version" of himself. I didn't think she was particularly jappy, but she was much more of the "corporate type" than NDN. (BTW-- hope no one is offended by my use of the world "jappy." It's pretty standard fare around here!) The funniest part of the conversation-- the look on her face when NDN mentioned he had been talking to his Argentinean housekeeper on the phone; oh! And when she asked us if we ask for someone's "papers" to verify their health before sleeping with them.

After dinner, I came back and hung out at NDN's house until the Super could break the lock off my door. Then I came home and started to get ready for bed.

At around midnight, Narc called. I called him back and arranged to go over there. We had a great night together, and stayed up quite late, just hanging out and talking at his place.

Saturday:

The next morning we didn't wake up until mid-afternoon. Then we ordered in takeout and watched TV until I felt like my brain was going to rot. I told Narc I had to get out and away from the television. It was a little weird, though, because it wasn't clear if he wanted to come with me or not.

"Where are you going to go?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe I'll check out that country bar right here-- The Patriot."

Narc hates that bar, as it's not trendy at all and the jukebox is filled with Elvis, Cash, etc. But I love it. It's cheap and friendly and I'm into all the music.

"Well, maybe I'd join you for a pint or two, but I don't have any cash," he said.

(Narc was out of money but was avoiding calling his mom to get more. Apparently she controls the family funds).

"I'll treat," I said. (That was a minor mistake-- the two of us drink like crazy and the whole night ended up putting me out about $200 that I really don't have).

A lot happened at the bar. I was singing along to the music; we called Hammer and told her to come down and meet us; I asked Narc to kiss me and he said "no," and then I got really upset. Hammer said that when she arrived, I was being a drama queen about the whole thing and making a fight. Then, she says, Narc grabbed me and kissed me intensely. Sweet. Narc gave Hammer some good advice about her dilemma with the Wizard. She texted me that she likes him, and yesterday she wrote: "He loves you; last night it was so obvious to me."

Anyway, I don't remember all that much else about the evening. (Yes, Mystic-- I am aware of my blackouts). But like I said, I do remember talking to the bouncer, and was worried about being in a fight with Narc.

Sunday:

I woke up on barely any sleep and rushed off to meet B at church, where he was performing duties as an acolyte.

On the way to get a cab, I was downing cans of Red Bull. Some guy unloading a truck called out to me, "I sure hope it gives you wings!"

"Yeah, me too," I mumbled.

I must have looked like a wreck. I was still pretty drunk.

After Church, B and I had Chinese for lunch. As much as I want to "grow apart" from B, I think it's going to take a while. We just know each other so damn well, and I love him so much and I can't imagine my life without him. We'll have to take it day by day and see how it goes. Later I realized I forgot my cell phone charger at Narc's.

Before going to get it, I had a little meeting with NDN who needed some advice about his own life issues.

I wasn't planning on staying at Narc's. In fact, I showed up in pajama bottoms, no bra, no makeup on me, no toothbrush. I wasn't even carrying a purse! But when I got there, he invited me to stay for a while and watch some TV. I was surprised that there was no fall-out from the previous night. Before long, he announced that he had to get out of the house.

"I've been stuck in here all day!" he complained.

"Not me," I said. "I've already been out today."

"Wanna go to the movies?" he asked.

Narc wanted to go see the Harry Potter movie. I protested because not only have I not seen any of the other Potter movies, I've never even read a Potter book! I was totally Potter-ignorant!

"Well, it's time for you to lose your Potter-virginity!" he declared.

I agreed, as long as he would fill me in on the necessary background.

I have to say, the movie was quite good. (Although I was a little embarrassed to be parading about town in my pajamas. Thank goodness for long winter coats!) Narc now had money in his bank account again, so he paid for the date. We shared a big popcorn. I liked it.

Afterwards, I was planning on taking off. On the way back to his place, Narc wanted to stop for a snack.

"Do you want anything?" he asked.

"Well, I was going to head home," I said. "But I guess I'll stay and hang out for a little longer."

On the subject of food, Narc brought up the pizza we ate the night before. (Um... we did?)

"Wasn't that the best pizza ever?" he asked.

I was embarrassed to admit that I had NO recollection of any pizza. Not even the vaguest notion!

"Um, yeah... it was really good," I said.

Oops!

I was insanely tired back at Narc's place, as I was running on just 3-4 hours of sleep, whereas he had slept in until 2:00 in the afternoon. By 1:00 am or so, I fell asleep on his lap on the couch. He woke me up to move into the bedroom, although I'm not sure what time that was. (Maybe around 3:00 am?)

This morning I woke up at 9:30 and just rolled out of bed and came home. I didn't even brush my teeth or comb my hair, as all I had to wear were pajamas. I just hopped in a cab and then did those things back at my place.

Anyway, now it's Monday and time to focus on school and work and getting shit done. No more Narc for the moment, although things seem to be going remarkably well with him, wouldn't you say?

I don't want to overanalyze... just take it day by day. I've been a little emotionally exhausted lately, and I think it's best not to push it.

Hope you all had a good weekend!

Mystery Solved

The mystery is solved. Narc just woke up and called me back. He told me to stop by whenever I want to get my cell phone charger. He didn't sound like anything was amiss. So whatever took place last night, I'm going to scrap it!

PS: Just read Hammer's blog about "choices." It's a good post. Go check it out. That's what's on my mind right now.

-h

I Wonder...

I wonder if Narc is mad at me.

I think we fought last night, although I can't be sure. We quarreled a little, early in the evening, but I know we made up because I remember kissing him on the street (outside of a country bar called The Patriot).

But here's what doesn't add up-- there are three calls on my phone to a mysterious "347" number, the last one, an outgoing call placed at 4:10 am. What the fuck? I remember talking to the bouncer last night. (I tend to have a thing for bouncers). What if that's his number? What if I flirted with him because I was mad at Narc?

What if...

What if...

I woke up this morning naked and next to Narc, so whatever it is, it can't be that bad, right? I had to race out of there on no sleep because I promised B I would meet him at church today. B was acting as an acolyte and got to carry the cross during the service. He really wanted me to come see him. So to church I went, all rumpled, smelling like whiskey and exhausted.

I left in such a hurry, I didn't get to talk to Narc this morning.

Anyhow, I left my cell phone charger at his place. I need it back before nightfall. Right after church, I called him and left him a message asking him if I could go back over there to get it. I'm sure he's still asleep.

I wonder if he'll call back. I wonder what he'll say. I guess we'll find out of if he's mad at me or not.

I wonder though...

I wonder...

Sad

I'm sad today. And my head hurts and my eyes sting from crying.

-h-

Life Gets Complicated

HOLY SHIT!!!

#1-- I'm drunk, so I don't want to write too much. (And forgive the typos!)

#2-- I loved Rent, and sobbed through the whole thing.

#3-- When the movie ended, I pulled B aside and told him,

"I have a secret to tell you."

"What?" he asked.

"I don't love Narc," I said. "I'm still in love with you." (Yes, I really meant it, and it scares the shit out of me.)

He looked at me for a moment.

"What? I mean, I love you too..."

"No, B... It's not that I love you. It's that I'm still in love with you."

He looked at me again. Then he walked away and rejoined his girlfriend. Our whole party went out for a drink after.

FUCK!!!

In any case, I had a MAJOR revelation about B/Narc tonight and only hope it will remain as clear to me in my sobriety tomorrow.

#4-- I met up with some friends, the W family, and drank until now (it's about 2:30 am).

#5-- I hadn't invited Narc to my birthday party. But today I got all emotional, and started playing piano and sobbing and crying. (I'll have to explain that bit later). But I pounded on the keys and let the tears roll onto my fingers and into the music, and then I raced to my computer and impulsively sent him an evite.

#6-- I just got home and checked my evite. Narc replied "Yes."

WHAT?!?!?!? WHAT?!?!? WHAT?!?!? WHAT??!?!?!?

Now what the fuck am I going to do? I can't fucking breathe. I'm serious-- I can't breathe.

I mean, I just bought a bagel from Mohammed at the deli. He fucking flirts with me so hard, it's unbelieveable, and I come home to this!

Narc wrote:
"Yeah, OK, I'll drop by, as long as there's no WAGNER or anything..."

I feel sick. And so fucking confused.

Life is too complicated.

But,
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!

RENT!

I know I still need to crank out the third part of my Narc-post, but I don't have it in me right now to reconstruct the details of Sunday and Monday. Instead, I'd rather post about Rent, which opens today in wide release. I arranged a little "movie-party" for my nearest and dearest, and we're all going to see the 7:00 show at the Ziegfeld Theater. (That includes me, BigSis, Bro-in-Law, Hammer, NDN, B and get this-- B's girlfriend!)

I'm really excited about the movie, but I also have strangely mixed feelings about all of this. For me, Rent is not just a show, but a concept, a marker, that resurfaces in my life every few years, marking progress (or more accurately, the stages) of my "growing up."

I first saw the musical on Broadway with the original cast when it premiered in 1996. I was 17 years old--a senior in high school at the time. While I considered myself to be "wiser" than my infantile, shallow and rebellious peers, I didn't take much to this show about a bunch of wannabe artists fucking up their lives on drugs, living in the East Village. I was a hard worker and respected authority. At that point in my life, I had never taken a drink, never done a drug, and was a perfect (perhaps too perfect) student. I was busy indulging my budding interest in opera, trying to compose my own historical opera about the Russian Revolution, writing poetry, and often dressing in romantic flowing skirts (In my mind, they were perfectly suited to being swept up by the wind on a rugged ocean cliff). In other words, I was the same sort of hyper-emotional Romantic girl that I am today, but I was an incredible introvert. I repressed everything-- the keeper of all of my own emotional secrets, and not yet an enthusiast of urban grit, night-life and danger. I was most interested in Rent as a modern expression of La Boheme. So I went to see the play with my sisters and parents. At the intermission, my stepfather expressed his frustration with the show.

"What is this shit?" he demanded.

(Keep in mind, the lyrics were kind of hard to understand and he is a very traditional man who grew up on a farm in Italy. He hates coming into the city, and I don't think he expected to see homosexuals and drug addicts dying from AIDS and singing rock music when my mom invited him to join us for Broadway play. He was probably expecting something more along the lines of "Oklahoma" or "The Sound of Music.")

As for me, while I found the music appealing, I didn't quite "get it."

The next time I grew interested in Rent was during my junior year of college. I guess you can say I transformed myself quite a bit between the ages of 17 and 19. To give you an idea-- in February, 1998 I had my first drink. By December of that same year-- two days before my 20th birthday, I was picked up by an undercover cop for buying cocaine on the street. Of course, my family still didn't know anything about my wayward life, as I preserved a perfect facade. They believed me to be the socially responsible, brilliant young woman who overloaded herself with coursework and extracurriculars at an Ivy League school, a natural progression from the girl who never did so much as skip a single class in high school. You can imagine my mom's surprise when she got that phone call at 4:00 am from a NY City cop!

I don't want to go into all of that here, because it's besides the point. I'll save that story and its fall-out for another day. The point is, I was different. As a result of the arrest (which was dismissed-- I have no record). I had to do several days of community service picking up trash in Tompkins Square Park, smack in the center of Alphabet City, the neighborhood where the characters in Rent live. (Yes, it was pretty awful-- you'd be amazed at how many condoms and needles people leave laying around in plain sight in city parks!)

I started to listen to Rent differently, popping it into the CD player frequently. (Incidentally, I got my copy of the Rent CD by trading with B for my Rachmaninoff Choral Vespers. I think I got a good deal. I love the Rachmaninoff, but Rent is a double CD!) I was pretty depressed in those days for a variety of reasons--among them, that I was sick and tired of being "perfect." I wanted to live dangerously. I had urges all the time to do something drastic-- to do something dramatic. Of course, I thought of my 19-20 year old self as infinitely more worldly than I had been at 17. And the musical's characters resonated with me entirely more so. More and more I was getting a sort of "night-life itch." I guess you could say "Hyde" was being born, growing stronger and stronger by the minute.

(Mimi sings: Whats the time?/ Well it's gotta be close to midnight/ My body's talking to me/ It say,'Time for danger.'/ It says 'I wanna commit a crime./ Wanna be the cause of a fight/ Wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt/ With a stranger/..... In the evening I must roam/ Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome/ So let's find a bar/ So dark we forget who we are/ And all the scares from the Nevers and maybes die...)

You get the point-- it was self-indulgent adolescent soul searching fueled by easy access to drugs, alcohol and potentially dangerous men, as New York City was "my oyster."

I next saw Rent the summer that B and I got together-- the summer of 1999. We took a trip to Atlantic City and it was an amazing trip for me. Although we had been best friends for three years before ever having sex, we bonded on that trip in a way that cemented something for me-- something that can never be undone. The show was doing a 1-month Atlantic City run that August, and B and I went to see it. I saw it all with new eyes. This time around, it was not about rebellion for me, but about hope, love and loss-- about the frustrations of trying to carve out one's own identity, of trying to figure out what to do with life.

B and I had some strange undertones to our relationship, especially in the beginning. I was slowly emerging from a very rough patch characterized by depression and every self-destructive behavior imaginable. B, on the other hand, was completely "square," and hid his own emotions quite well. I think we started off with a sort of a mutual "savior-victim/victim-savior" dynamic. He wanted to save me from my self-destructive ways, and I wanted to save him from the lack of love and feeling in his life. (Hmm... think I picked a similar project with Narc? Seems to be my modus operandi). But, if you look at the relationship between Mimi and Roger, it's kind of similar-- Mimi is physically destroying herself, and Roger has emotionally shut himself out from the world. But they find each other. Both of us felt ourselves mirrored in that pair and in the themes arising from that relationship.

The night after we saw the show, we sat on the beach for hours, just talking.

I saw Rent on Broadway for a second time in 1999-- this time it was December. Liu's brother and his friend were in from out of town for the big New Year's celebration (one of the wildest nights EVER-- again, a story for another time), and she lined up all sorts of cultural events for us. (We also went to see Tosca, and Hedwig and the Angry Inch that same week). This time, I was seeing the show just after my 21st birthday, several months into my relationship with B. The show was transformed. It was now entirely about love, friendship, self-construction, and the passage of time, as I prepared to graduate from college. Its many meanings rang true and I identified deeply with it.

Since then, Rent has been brought off and put back on my CD shelf a number of times, but my love for it has grown nostalgic. I've never embraced it with quite the same intensity after graduating.

While I was two years younger than "Mimi" the first time I saw the musical, I am now nearly seven years older than she. And for some reason, that makes me uncomfortable. I wonder who it is that I have become. If we could peer seven years into Mimi's future, what would she have become? But we can't. She is frozen at 19. I age. And for some reason, that makes me feel anxious.

Rent also has meaning to me as a lifetime New Yorker. It captures a particular NY moment--the New York City of the 1990's. That's my New York-- the NY I fell in love with when I first moved into the city from the suburbs. (In the same way that the 1970s NY will always be my mother's NY). While it's difficult to notice the city changing, day to day, it most certainly has changed. The "moment" lived by those characters has passed. (Especially post 9/11. Nothing has felt the same since). I'm nostalgic for the New York City of my college years--the Giuliani years... the Clinton years. Why should the passage of time raise such existential angst in me? Then again, I suppose it's normal...

So I find myself returning to Rent once again. It is yet, another year--this time, just two and a half weeks before my 27th birthday. This time I return as an adult; I return with friends and family, but with nervous anticipation. (Why don't I feel like I've worked it all out? When will I have earned my stability?)

Yes, it bothers me that B's girlfriend is going to be there, but I invited her. If it means I have to deal with her existence in order to be with B tonight, I'll take it.

So those are my thoughts this afternoon. I'm looking forward to the movie and will let you know how it goes. And then, maybe I'll finish my Narc-post.

:)

h

In Love (part II of my previous post)

The story continues...

(I changed the title of the post, because I'm not in such a "raining men" mood today, but seriously, that song seems to be haunting me. IrishBird and ThursdayGirl have taken to singing it together at karaoke. I heard them from the street when I was on my way to meet Narc on Saturday night. Then, this morning, I was watching the news and the annoying newscaster started singing it in reference to today's weather).

Anyway, as you can imagine, I was thrilled to hear from Narc on Saturday night. By the time I got his message, it was nearly 1:00 am. I called Hammer to share the news. (She was on the phone with the Wizard). The whole thing got me thinking about some comments left on a post a few days ago. On Thursday night when I asked Narc if he wanted to hang out and he turned me down, I blamed myself and was sure he was giving me the cold shoulder. In fact, I addressed an entire post to interpreting our text exchange. (You can read about that here). Mr. Mystic and Spinsterwitch both asked me why I couldn't be direct with Narc.

Spins wrote: So, why can't you just text him, and tell him you want to hang out?

And Mystic said: Hyde I can't begin to tell you how dangerous it is to assume to know what other people are thinking. But again I would like to throw in some unwanted advice. Never mind what other people may or may not want to say. Just make sure that you say what you mean. TELL THE TRUTH! It will save you endless amounts of grief in the long run.

The fact that Narc called me on Saturday made me think that they're right-- maybe I do over-analyze him and maybe I was attributing too much to the fact that he was just tired on Thursday. Later, this new position gained even more credibility when he told me that he was in my neighborhood on Friday night and wanted to call, but then thought that it would be better for him to get an early night's sleep. So he wasn't mad at me and he wasn't punishing me, after all! (I guess I'm just a drama queen!)

Anyway, I agreed right away to see him. He told me that his late night plans were cancelled and that he was at home, but that he only had half a bottle of wine left. He asked if I could bring some more. I stopped by Cheers first for a whiskey. (Last night BarMan joked that it was the fastest drink in the world. He said that he turned around to bring me my change and I was gone. I laughed).

After the drink, I went across the street to the deli for wine. I was so happy to be going to see Narc. Outside a NY deli there are always buckets of fresh flowers for sale. They were beautiful and I suddenly (impulsively) wanted to bring him flowers (as cheesy as that sounds). I carefully selected the most perfect bouquet--a dozen roses and went inside to make my wine selection. To my dismay, they were out! Oh, no!

"There's nothing you can do for me?" I implored the deli-owner.

"Well, we do have champagne." He pointed me to the refrigerated section.

Champagne? It was expensive. (At least for me, it was-- at $55 a bottle!) I wanted to buy it though. I wanted to celebrate with Narc that I love him on the anniversary of when I told him that I love him, and so I splurged. Once I was leaving the store, I started to feel a little silly. There I was, my arms filled with champagne and roses. What would he say? He probably wasn't even aware of the occasion! I decided to prepare him by sending a text.

My deli was out of wine, I wrote. So I come bearing champagne & roses. Feeling decadent! (1:28 am)

Sure thing, he replied, a minute later.

When I got to his apartment, the doorman knew me by name. I think that's the first time that's ever happened! It seemed like some kind of good sign. I asked for his name in return. (It's Chris. I'll just document that here, in case I forget it in the future!)

Narc answered the door in a white t-shirt and jeans. He was watching the tail end of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. We spend so much time lounging around the house together, always naked, that it was nice to see him in clothes. It was nice to see him "constructed," if that makes any sense. Anyway, I handed him the flowers and I could tell that he thought it was sweet. He put them in water and smelled them and then moved them onto his coffee table.

"Did you ever see Hedwig?" he asked.

"When it was an off-Broadway play," I told him. "Not the movie though. I saw it with Liu in December '99. That's the one with the song based on Plato's Symposium, right?"

Narc didn't know the song referenced the Symposium. I could tell he was impressed and I was pleased with myself for my classical education. (I can't ever forget that Narc told me the night that he met me that he started to like me when we were talking about my thesis and he realized how smart I was. So I always love to impress him.)

It's hard for me, in general, to detail nights spent with Narc because one hour blurs into the next, one conversation into the next, one sex-session into the next, and it's all colored by alcohol. We stayed up talking until 6:00 am, consuming between the two of us 1 bottle of wine, 2 bottles of champagne and 1 bottle of gold schnapps (complete with real gold flakes, brought back by Narc from the Schnapps Museum in Vienna. It wasn't Goldschlager, which is a cinnamon Schnapps. This one tasted a little different, was golden colored and was loaded up with flakes. It was in an unmarked bottle, so I have no idea what it is officially called).

Anyway, we had some really interesting discussions--about celebrity culture, aesthetics, the construction of fantasy, etc. I was trying to explain my "Victorian Constructions of the Renaissance" paper to him, and the shift from Medieval to Renaissance revivalism in the Victorian era ("a shifting paradigm," Narc said, knowingly. I thought it was cute). I was rambling on for a long time-- about Walter Pater, about the Whistler-Ruskin trial, about museum culture and the democratization of art, about a million and one things. But it got difficult when I got to the theoretical part about transcending traditional space/time through advertising (and commodity culture), and through the experience of art and the subsequent "time tourism"-- a virtual "traveling" to the past. (Hell, I can't even explain it in one coherent sentence in this blog, let alone try to explain it while downing champagne and schnapps at 4:00 am!) Anyway, it was nice to talk about meaty ideas with him. We more usually talk about our emotional lives or pop-culture shit.

Our discussion of aesthetics brought us to the topic of Wagner. (I love him; Narc hates him. I think that's because Narc can't deal with a lack of boundaries or excessive emotion, whereas I'm all about merging and emotion). I told Narc I had been to see Figaro that afternoon, which is much more his taste. Narc says he completely agrees with Nietzsche's critique of Wagner and that Wagner is totally "un-hummable." (Well, anyone who reads Swiss Toni's blog knows that I've been humming Wagner all week!) Narc challenged me:

"Okay-- without giving it any thought, hum 30 seconds of Wagner. It's impossible--GO!"

I did it easily. I sang Brunhilde's entrance in Siegfried, although I could have picked from a number of things. He was frustrated. He had to concede the point. I laughed. It was brilliant!

I loved everything about him that night. Everything! Just looking at him made me happy.

I LOVE HIM!

At one point when he went into the kitchen, I sent Hammer a text. It was 3:02 am.

I am so totally in love... I wrote.

Hmm... What else happened? Narc insisted that we both take off our clothes in order to achieve the pinnacle of decadence (naked conversation, roses, champagne and gold-leafed liqueur at an impossibly late hour-- is there any doubt about our shared aristocratic inclinations?) Then he told me that I have to read The Life of Pi.

"That's YOUR book, Hyde! Read it! Promise me!"

I promised. Although he wouldn't tell me what it was about the book that reminds him so much of me. (If any of you have read it, maybe you can clue me in as to what it's about...) I told him I would take it as plane reading to Argentina.

Later, we got onto the topic of the blogs. As you guys know, I was upset at Dan's comment and it was clear when I arrived at Narc's place that I had something on my mind. I tried to explain it to Narc without revealing the content of the comment or the post. (It was a little tricky).

"Don't you think it's a little unfair that you can go and read my blog, but I can't go and read yours?" he asked.

"Well, not really. Yours isn't personal at all!"

"It can't be personal. It has my name on it," he laughed.

"Well, I know-- but yours consists of carefully constructed, thoughtful posts. Mine is more like a diary and I just spit them out. I wouldn't want you reading my diary."

"Why not? Don't you trust me?"

"Well, not really... I mean, I trust you, Narc. But I don't know... I mean, you wouldn't want me reading your thoughts like that either, right?"

"I wouldn't care!" he insisted. He looked me squarely in the eyes. "I trust you completely. I would give you the keys to my house in an instant. You could go through anything and everything you want. I trust you completely."

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely."

I thought that was the sweetest thing ever. (The sounds of Hyde's heart and any resolve slowly melting).

"What is it you don't want me to see on your blog?" he asked. (To be honest, I think he was worried I'm so secretive because I'm seeing other guys or something. At least that's what I picked up during this discussion.)

"It's not like I have secrets," I said. "Not at all. You know everything. It's just-- I don't know... I don't want you to know how much I love you, that's all."

"Hyde! I already know that. Don't be silly. Damn it. You know I love you, too."

I absolutely melted. I hate it and love it when he makes me speechless. I'm so fucking emotional!

"Yeah, but come on, Narc... It's embarrassing."

"What's embarrassing?"

"I'm embarrassed for you to see how much you effect me! How much all of this impacts me all the time. I guess I just don't want you to see how much it means to me-- how much you mean to me."

"Why not?"

"Because! You said it yourself-- we're NOT in a relationship!"

"What? Hyde! I never said that!"

What the fuck?!?!? This is classic Narc. He loves to re-write the past.

"Narc, don't get crazy on me! You said it in the end of June. You said it over and over and over! That was the whole crux of your argument that night we decided to split up again. Or don't you remember that? I'm sure of it because I have every fucking thing that goes down chronicled on my blog!" (I have an entire post entitled "the Non-Relationship" (from around June 24th). Also, on June 2nd he told me "I don't know what you're so confused about--I've always made it painfully clear that we're not in a "relationship" and that we never were. We're just two people "having fun together.")

"Well..." (and he spoke softer now). "Maybe I did say it. But it's obviously NOT TRUE. I mean, come on... It's been what? A year and a half now? We're OBVIOUSLY in a relationship."

"What?"

"Hyde. Stop it. We obviously are."

"I don't know what you mean, by that," I said.

He started to kiss me. I didn't want to discuss it any further. I didn't want to press the issue. His kisses were sweet and that said more to me than anything else. Later, we lay next to each other and I asked him--

"Do you know what today is the anniversary of?"

"No... What?"

"That day I saw the Blue Angel, and you met me and Hammer at KGB. Remember? And then we went up to your roof?"

"Of course I remember it." He pulled me in closer. "I remember what you said."

He went on to recite many more little details of that night. I was so floored by the fact that it was that meaningful to him. I still can't believe it. When he got up to go int the bathroom, I sent myself a text. It was 5:30 am. I wrote: Remembers the date!

After that, we got into bed. There was some serious drama, but I don't think it's of an appropriate nature to include on this blog, so I'll let it go at that. As we fell asleep, Narc held me and told me over and over that he loves me. (A little ironic in light of the comments-wars that had been ignited earlier in the evening). That night, he wouldn't let go of me, even in his sleep. I loved it.

As for the next day... I have blog fatigue and need to go teach again soon, so you'll have to wait for a Part III. (Damn! This is getting long!)

It's Raining Men, but I Don't Have an Umbrella! (Part I)

This is going to be one of those posts in pieces. I'll give you everything here, except my time with Narc. That will be forthcoming in the next post.

Although I did basically not a stitch of school work this weekend, I have to say-- I had a pretty amazing time. I don't feel well rested and I don't feel resolution of any kind, and in fact, I've fallen behind in everything I am supposed to be doing, but that's okay. It was a weekend of aristocratic pleasures-- enjoying sensory experiences and love.

As I write this post, I'm sitting in the library at Columbia, waiting for my choir rehearsal to begin. I'm writing on my laptop, but the laptop screen cracked a few weeks ago. As such, there are huge black ribbons snaking through these words and I can't see everything that I type. Please excuse any subsequent typos or spelling errors.

I took the bus up here in the rain, following a voice lesson this afternoon and an early dinner at La Caridad-- a favorite Chino-Latino restaurant on 78th street and Broadway. (B and I used to eat there regularly). As I was leaving my voice lesson, my cell phone rang. I didn't recognize the number so I picked it up. It was a man.

"Hyde?"

"Yeah... Who's this?"

(I always get worried when unfamiliar men call me!)

"It's Pete," he began.

Pete?!?! That's the guy who I met in the elevator upon leaving voice lessons on Friday afternoon. (You can read about that here.) I really didn't want to deal with this.

"Um, hold on!" I answered. "I can't hear you It's static-y. I'm in the elevator!"

"Okay," he said. "I'll call you back in ten minutes."

Just then, the elevator paused to pick up another passenger. The doors slowly opened. And in walked Pete! Unbelievable!

"Hyde!" he exclaimed, cell phone in hand. "I just called you!"

"Yeah, I know. I told you I was in an elevator!"

The whole situation made me uncomfortable. I mean, what are the chances? Was this guy stalking me or something?

"So, what are you up to tonight, Hyde?"

"Um... I can't hang out. I have a choir rehearsal."

"What time is that?"

"7:00. But I have to go to the library first." I pointed to the laptop on my arm.

"Oh, yeah, of course. What about tomorrow night?"

"Well, I teach. I mean, I'm busy weeknights. I won't really have anything open up until the weekend."

"Sure, sure. I understand. So I'll give you a call this weekend?"

"Um, yeah... Okay."

How do I get myself into these things?

Anyway I took the bus to 78th street, ate my dinner and decided to call back the Stallion. (He had called me a second time (on Sunday night) when I was with the Narc). If I didn't call him back, it would be sending a pretty clear message-- one that I'm not entirely sure I was ready to send. On the other hand, I didn't really have much to say to him, and given the fact that I am feeling deeper and deeper in love with Narc, I don't even really want to see him... I called him anyway.

"HEY, girl! What's up? It's so good to hear from you!"

Our conversation proceeded awkwardly. He asked me what I've been up to these past few months. I asked him what he's been up to.

"Work."

"Work," we both replied.

"So... when am I going to get to see you?" he began. "Tonight I may be in the city, you know..."

"Well, tonight's not so good for me. I have to be up early tomorrow to teach and I have choir tonight until late. I probably won't have any time open up til the weekend."

(Didn't I just have this conversation?)

"Well, maybe Saturday night," he suggested. "I could take you for something to eat."

"Yeah, maybe. Look-- why don't you just give me a call later in the week?"

"I'll do that," he said. "Stay out of the rain tonight, and take care, cutie."

"Yeah, it's already raining, but I don't even have an umbrella."

"I wish you could see me right now," he said. "I wish you could see the kind of enormous smile you just put on my face-- just thinking of you."

"Well, I'll have to imagine it. Talk to you soon..."

(I wanted to ask him if he would be smiling like that if he knew I didn't want to have sex with him. I thought of Hammer and the Arch and of having sex with people you don't really want to just because you're there in that situation. And the whole thing made my chest feel constricted.)

I tried to think of Narc again. I tried to make myself smile. But then B called me on the phone and told me he was feeling depressed.

"You and Narc, both," I said. "Why are the men in my life always depressed?"

Anyway, all of this is epilogue to my rather beautiful weekend.

Thursday and Friday night were both late nights for me-- out boozing at Cheers until all hours of the night. As such, when my mom came to pick me up on Saturday morning to go see La Nozze de Figaro, I was worried that she would see through the layers of under-eye concealer and be angry at me for my hangover. (Alcohol is a touchy issue in my family. She didn't say anything though.)

The night before I had been planning on taking it easy, but I was tempted out by NDN to indulge in some "night life." We went to a new place in our neighborhood the Mambi Lounge. There we drank mojitos and talked about a million and one things, including our upcoming trip to Argentina in December. (The mojitos were good, but I have to say-- the best mojitos I ever had were at Point 101-- a bar in London on Oxford Street near Tottenham Court Road). I had a great time and learned some more about my neighbor. On the way back home (at around 2:30 am) we stopped at Duane Reade where we each made strange purchases-- NDN bought a red disco ball and I bought the cruelest magnate I've ever seen--it was a photo of a kitten in the toilet, it's little paw hanging over the edge. The caption said "Goodbye Cruel World!" I don't know why I bought it. I think I'm going to throw it out.

NDN hung out at my place for a little while, although he was tired and I was just getting revved up. Eventually, he decided to go home and I decided to go back out, hanging out at Cheers until nearly 5:00 am. Hence, when my mom picked me up at noon the next day, I was not in good shape.

The opera soon remedied that. Sometimes, amidst all the drama, I forget how much I love Mozart. I forget how perfect and funny and sparkling and charming Figaro is. Not to mention, I've sung almost the entire opera in bits and pieces in various concerts, recitals, ensemble groups and choirs, (as Mozart is good for young voices), so the music brought back a lot of memories. My mom enjoyed it too. The funniest moment-- when she tried to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the theater during intermission. (You're not supposed to eat in the auditorium, and she was trying to be sneaky but she was doing a very bad job of it. I started laughing and then she started laughing and then neither of us could stop.)

After the opera, my mom drove me home and then Hammer called. She was at the school library (which is not far from my place). As the library was closing, I told her to come over to for dinner. She was preparing for a 4-mile run the next morning and wanted to eat lasagna for dinner. We ordered in some food (she had a steak and spinach lasagna while I had artichokes) and we just got to talking about a lot of things-- including the PunyBoy/telling Narc I love him story-- it was the one year anniversary of those events. (Obviously, I posted about them here.)As such, we decided to co-write a post, and had a lot of fun doing it. We laughed and laughed to retell those stories again.

Soon enough, NDN called. He was on his way home with the DVD of Napoleon Dynamite. Hammer and I asked him to get us some ice cream and told him to come over to watch. We ate the ice cream and NDN ate an avocado and we all three hung out and gossiped and watched the movie.

To be frank, as much fun as I was having with my friends, I was feeling a little anxiety about my relationship with Narc. The week before, I had seen or spoken to him nearly every single day. This past week, I had only spoken to him once and hadn't seen him at all. He had rejected my offer of company on Thursday night, and I was feeling very sad about the whole thing. That, combined with a previous conversation with Dan contributed to how upset I got upon reading his comment. I just wanted Narc to call me, and he wasn't calling. And I wasn't sure what to think or feel.

Hammer stayed until around 11:30 (leaving her bike in my hallway), and I continued to obsess on the computer, both angry and hurt at Dan's remarks and stressed out about Narc. It didn't help to feel this way on the one-year anniversary of declaring my devotion to him. I fiddled on the computer until I was so exhausted I could take it no more, and then I decided to go to bed. I wandered into the bedroom where I had left my cell phone, only to discover I had a message waiting. It was from Narc!

What?!?!?

So while I was at the computer pining over him, I missed his call the hour before!

He said:

Hey Hyde, it's Narc.

It's a little after 11:00, I think. And uh, I just wrapped a meeting which I thought would take quite a bit longer, but it actually went pretty quickly--with some friends over at Bar and Books. And I'm now in the West Village and I'm just kind of wandering downtown... It looks like I have to meet my troupe out on the Lower East Side in a little bit. That's not going to happen for an hour or two, or something. So I was going to see what you were up to. And I might pop in over at Cheers and have a few Jack & Cokes with you in the meantime. So, I didn't know if you were there or not tonight. But, well... Give me a call back, tonight, if you like.

Alright. Bye.

Well, as you know, I called him back. And we went on to have an absolutely beautiful night together. But as the witching hour is approaching, and I have to get to my choir practice, I leave you, for now, with that...

-h-

Not Much Time

(But a Response to the Comments)

I don't have much time for a post today, as I've got to clean myself up and get some work done all before getting to a voice lesson at 3:00 pm. (I won't be home tonight until around 11:00 as I have an extra choir practice). I ended up spending the rest of the weekend with Narc and it was simply amazing. (I went over there at around 1:30 am on Saturday night and just got home now). So I have a lot to post about, and no time to do it, but I didn't want to remain completely silent after the intensity of the exchange in the comments section of my last post.

A few things--

1.) Dan and I are fine with things, as we resolved the matter in private emails. I probably shouldn't have snapped at him like that in the comments section, here for everyone to see. After all, the reason I was so bothered by his statement had to do with conversations we had earlier (off the blog), and his comment seemed like a particular affront in light of those talks. In other words-- it was a more complicated issue than what was immediately presented here, and I responded out of hurt. In any case, I'm glad that things are okay between the two of us again. And Dan-- I appreciate your apology.

2.) Mystic and Spinster, I always value your input, so thanks.

3.) Anonymous I: I think you're right.

4.) Anonymous II: You write: "You get from the world what you give out to the world." While it's nice of you to have come to Dan's defense, I'm not going to bother addressing your statement in detail, as it's clear that you aren't very perceptive about me. One thing that I know for sure is that I am an incredibly generous, loyal, kind and constant friend. I have absolutely no self-doubt in that department. (And incidently, more often than not, I give much more than I "get from the world," but refuse to view these matters in such utilitarian terms).

5.) Charby-- you're right. I think Narc would make a fine looking Santa Claus (although last time I checked, Santa has a white beard. It's the suit that's red).

6.) NDN- I watched Family Guy last night with Narc, and agree-- it was pretty funny.

Anyway, I guess I'll leave it at that for now. I'm just happy that November 19th-20th turned out to be an amazing stretch for me and Narc for the second year in a row.

I've got to go hop in the shower now.

-h-

The PunyBoy and the Day I Declared My Love for Narc

co-written by Hyde and Hammer

Hyde: One year ago today Hammer and I found ourselves having an interesting evening! My, how time flies! She had a out-of-town visitor, known between us as "the PunyBoy" and I told Narc that I loved him for the very first time.

Hammer: I had been to a wedding the weekend before, where I sat next to a nice boy that I recognized from my youth. He had blue eyes and blonde hair along with a Mikhail Baryshnikov-esque face (or so my drunk vision told me). We drank and drank at the wedding and then somehow, his BMW ended up pulling into my parents' driveway before we made out briefly on my bed. Why did I hook up with him in the first place, even though I had the Wizard? I had issues with the Wizard's age, and I wanted to meet someone my own age and creed, or so I thought. At the time, the small form that I felt through his boxer shorts (less than average size) didn't bother me in my drunken state. He vowed to visit me in NY. Little did I know that he meant he was coming 5 days later.

Hyde: While this was going on, I was seeing SeattleGuy who was nice enough, but bored me to tears. Narc and I were into our pattern of late-night rendezvous, but he was still refusing to do anything else, he didn't even take me to brunch the next mornings. Nevertheless, I found myself falling for him and it started to feel weird every time I slept with SeattleGuy.

Hammer: I was seeing the Wizard and PunyBoy's impending visit weighed heavily on my mind. The Wizard knew something was up, and the night before PunyBoy's arrival, he exploded in the worst breakup scenario I've ever seen-- yelling at me, calling me a slut, etc. He was angry and heartbroken. When he walked up 5th avenue and I walked down 5th avenue, I felt a strong sense of emptiness and regret. Let's just put it this way-- I was not looking forward to PunyBoy's arrival.

Hyde: While Hammer was fighting with the Wizard on 5th avenue, I was on yet another mediocre date with SeattleGuy. It was so mediocre that I don't even remember the details. I just know that he slept over my place and we went for brunch the next day. He made some weird comment about black nannies taking care of white babies in NY and how it was bad for family values. I was starting to be sure I wanted to ditch this guy.

Hammer: So, just as Hyde was brunching with her mediocre fellow that Friday morning, mine was exiting his plane. Thankfully he didn't make me meet him at the airport. As he walked up my street, one word came to mind-- MINGER! Before a word came out of his mouth, or the first embrace, I knew that I didn't want him there, but that I would be stuck with him for 48 hours. I brought him to my coffee shop, after which I would begin the first of many excuses about my "busy, busy" life that would continue throughout the weekend.

Hyde: So on Friday morning, I got a desperate call from Hammer. It was a high-pitched plea for help.

"Hyde! Help! You have to help me get this PunyBoy off my hands!"

"Why? I thought you liked him! What's wrong?"

"Look-- all I have to say is that his plane reading was a bright orange book about building abs. He brought his own peanut butter-- he only uses organic peanut butter and jelly and thereby claims to be a healthy eater!"

Hammer was at school for a Friday morning class. Afterwards, there was a talk going to be given by a visiting historian who had just completed some work on the post-WWI minority treaties. Hammer had sent the PunyBoy away to explore ground zero (his first choice of "tourist" attractions), and I agreed to meet her at school so that we could gossip about boys before she would have to see the Puny again.

Hammer: I tried to come up with all manner of plans to avoid being alone with him. I begged Hyde to include me and Puny in her evening plans, which was to see a Weimar-era film, The Blue Angel. Of course, I was interested, but this type of film doesn't usually appeal to people who read orange books on abs. Any strategy I could come up with to absolutely not kiss or sleep with him was good for me. I brought him to a diner-- a true NY experience, downtown. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. We were having a late lunch. B eing in the Village in Manhatten, there are so many people everywhere. He asked me with a straight face,

"Why aren't any of these people at work?"

I tried not to betray my reaction to that comment and answered him very politely-- that they were students, or maybe they got off early because it was a Friday. Then we got back to my place. He had an all night flight the night before, so I offered him a nap in my bed. That meant that I had to come up with any excuse to not be in the apartment. I feigned doing some homework for a while on my computer (aka reading blogs) and then quickly put on my running shoes and diligently went out for a very long jog. Somehow, my normal laziness had been completely overcome! By the time I made it back to my place, the lights were out and he was on the phone. I could hear him talking and he was saying nice things about me. But too bad-- there wasn't much time left before we had to get ready for services. Phew! Hyde and I spoke on the phone and I asked the PunyBoy if he might be interested in seeing The Blue Angel. He said,

"I want to do everything!"

So, I took that as a "yes."

Hyde: In the meantime, B and I made our plans to get tickets. B and Hammer had never met before, and he was a little nervous about meeting my new best friend from school. B is totally type A and was freaking out that they would never have enough time to make there on the subway coming all the way from the Upper West Side. We took our seats and saved two seats behind us for Hammer and the Puny.

Hammer: Meanwhile, PunyBoy was having a joyous time at services. Then he bought me an expensive sushi dinner at Neo. During that dinner, he told me that I wouldn't have to pay for anything the entire weekend. It was really nice of him. We headed to the Anthology Film Archives down in the East Village and met Hyde and B there.

Hyde: The movie was great.

Hammer: Yes, it was great! The PunyBoy actually seemed to follow it, German and all! And he rubbed my leg during the movie.

Hyde: More on the movie another time. Afterwards, we we wanted to go for drinks and bar snacks. B was cranky, and I could tell, as he and I can read each other like a book. As for the much anticipated PunyBoy--I can't really remark that I remember anything standing out about him.

Hammer: I didn't know B at all, but I could tell he wasn't happy with the PunyBoy there. All three of us are academic types and the PunyBoy was just not used to talking about the same kind of stuff. The things he brought up seemed really sophomoric. B said he might want to go home. (I later found out the reasons for that from Hyde). I have to say-- Hyde was a very encouraging friend and was open-minded about the PunyBoy, trying to make it work with him. Meanwhile, my heart-strings were being pulled by the Wizard.

Hyde: We settled in at some kind of sports bar. There was basketball game on TV-- the infamous Pistons/Pacers game that exploded into a huge on-the-court fight. Meanwhile, B and I were having a fight of our own. I was kicking him under the table to put a smile on his face, and he was really angry at me for ordering an alcoholic beverage. He refuses to hang out with me when I drink, which is normally not a problem for me, but in this case, I thought he should let it go, as it was an awkward situation-- B and Hammer meeting for the first time, and the uncomfortable situation with what Hammer calls the "awkward growth"-- PunyBoy. I got so upset at B for not putting on a polite face that I pulled him away from the table and we fought in another area of the restaurant.

Hammer: While they were away, PunyBoy was paranoid that my friends didn't like him.

"They're just in a fight!" I explained.

"No, they really don't like me!"

Self-centered dork!

Hyde: After the fight with B, he decided to leave. I returned to the table to meet Hammer and the PunyBoy. The conversation was certainly lackluster. Puny made some particularly embarassing remarks. Then he commented that we were both history PhD's, but proceeded to volunteer his own opinions about historical matters of which he was clearly misinformed. For example, he maintained that WWI and WWII were both "caused" by the French.

Hammer: Oh, and by the way-- he's a Republican. Remember the whole "freedom fries" thing? PunyBoy thought it was a good idea.

Hyde: Hammer and I were both determined to get drunk to make the evening more bearable.

Hammer: We decided to go across the street to KGB bar where we could be a little more childish, once B was gone. Hyde being the loyal friend that she is, stayed with me and Puny--my weekend appendage, so I wouldn't be stuck alone with him. My overwhelming feeling was that I didn't like him, but that I should like him. And I needed to be nice to him in any case, as I was stuck with him for at least 48 hours. I vowed to drink as many gin and tonics as I could, without throwing up, so that I could pass out when we got home and not have to deal with having sex with the small but horny dick.

Hyde: Yes, Hammer was drinking Sapphire and Tonics, if I recall. She and I were getting really giggly and acting silly. At around 2:30 am I decided to drunk-text the Narc.

Hammer: It was that late?

Hyde: Yeah, because you guys left and we were there til after closing but we only stayed for an hour or two...

Hammer: Oh, yeah.

Hyde: Anyway, Narc answered my text that he was nearby in the East Village. To understand how crazy that was-- at the time, Narc never answered my texts. I would only ever hear from him on his initiation.

Hammer: Yeah... Like things have really changed.

Hyde: Yeah, Hammer- you've really changed too. Anyway, I was thrilled. I called him and invited him to stop by KGB bar. Hammer and I were so excited because none of my friends had ever met the Narc. When the Narc arrived, he sat down and ended up talking to Puny.

Hammer: The Narc had a red beard. He looked like a regular guy. But he was surrounded by so much myth and legend from Hyde that I didn't know what to do. He played his cards close to his vest as he begrudgingly conversed with PunyBoy. Puny was our collective embarassment-- a liability. The two people that were most important to Hyde-- B and Narc, had to meet the Puny and I felt embarassed that he was representing me.

Hyde: Hammer and I went off to the side and were giggling while Narc and the Puny chatted it up. Eventually, Hammer and the PunyBoy decided to take off, as it was quite late and Hammer was so drunk that she couldn't even take a sip of her last drink. Not a problem for me and Narc-- when they left, we polished off all of the drinks remaining on the table. Seriously-- there were six glasses, we didn't know what was in them or who they belonged to, but we drank them all anyway. We stayed until after hours and they let us light up and smoke in there. Sweet!

Hammer: Wait, I was there when you were smoking! I think I had a cigarette.

Hyde: Oh yeah! I ran to the deli to buy some more. Anyway, this is where our stories part ways. I went on to have the best night ever with Narc while Hammer continued her Puny-weekend.

Hammer: When Puny and I got out of the cab at my house, I do remember feeling quite drunk. I was too lazy to address the issue of giving him the sheets to make up the couch. I just got into bed and went to sleep in my clothes. He got into bed next to me. I was already unconscious so I was saved by the "drunk" bell.

Hyde: Narc and I headed back towards his place. He wanted to buy wine and I wanted to visit his rooftop for the first time. Hence, we agreed to drink on the roof. The details of the rest of the evening are in my memory and for me alone-- too much to go into here, but the basic rundown is this-- I told Narc that I was having all sorts of doubts about seeing other people and that I really only wanted to be with him.

"Well, do what you want to do," he said. "I'm not telling you what to do either way. But I haven't slept with anyone except for you since I met you."

"It's not about who you have or haven't slept with," I said, "It's about being in a relationship with each other or not. It's getting confusing to me because I love you."

"Well, do what you want, like I said." he answered.

"Fine. What I want is to be with you. And that's what I'm going to do."

From that moment on, I was devoted to Narc. Things with SeattleGuy and all of my little romances that autumn were terminated. The Narc would be my sole love. Narc and Narc alone. Narc for Narc's sake.

Other events on the roof-- we had all sorts of sex up there. Once, months later I brought it up to him and tried to remind him of that night of first-love.

"Wasn't that the night I fucked your ass on the roof?" he asked me. Typical! (You can read about that conversation here.)

Hammer: So as you can see, not much has changed. I'm still in love with the Wizard and fighting it. Hyde is still in love with Narc, and fighting it. The Wizard is still in love with me, and fighting it. And Narc is still in love with Hyde and fighting it.

Hyde: Right. So one year later on November 19th, Hammer and I are sitting in my apartment, eating lasagna and blogging this for you.

THE END.

Hyde: PS-- Hammer and I are coming up with ways to stalk the Arch for absolutely no reason. Don't worry-- we probably won't do any of it.

Hammer: We might!

Cocaine Blues

Early one mornin' while makin' the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin' .44 beneath my head

Got up next mornin' and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico

Late in the hot joints takin' the pills
In walked the sheriff from Jericho Hill
He said Willy Lee your name is not Jack Brown
You're the dirty heck that shot your woman down

Said yes, oh yes my name is Willy Lee
If you've got the warrant just a-read it to me
Shot her down because she made me sore
I thought I was her daddy but she had five more

When I was arrested I was dressed in black
They put me on a train and they took me back
Had no friend for to go my bail
They slapped my dried up carcass in that county jail

Early next mornin' bout a half past nine
I spied the sheriff coming down the line
Ah, and he coughed as he cleared his throat
He said come on you dirty heck into that district court

Into the courtroom my trial began
Where I was handled by twelve honest men
Just before the jury started out
I saw the little judge commence to look about

In about five minutes in walked the man
Holding the verdict in his right hand
The verdict read murder in the first degree
I hollered Lawdy Lawdy, have a mercy on me

The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down

Come on you've gotta listen unto me
Lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be

I know it's wrong. MarriedGuy wanted to fuck me tonight and waited around all night. I wouldn't let him. It's 4;46 am and I'm home and I want Narc. Fuck him! Fuck (hot) Johnny Cash! Fuck everyone!!!

-h-

I Walk the Line

I want to take a sec to wish a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAN!

Anyway, I just saw Walk the Line. Fucking awesome! (Although, I'm too biased to judge the film on its merits alone). I am a big Johnny Cash fan, and as I sit here and type, I'm listening to his "murder" compilation. (Delia's Gone, Cocaine Blues, etc.)

What else can I say about it? Fucking awesome!

(And Joaquin Phoenix is super hot! Super Hot!)

B and I went to the 4:20 show. I miss going to the movies with him. When we lived together, we were only a few blocks from one the biggest theaters in the city and we used to go all the time.

I've had a strange day today. Well, a strange night last night too. I was in an off-beat mood after that awkward text exchange with Narc. I decided to head to Cheers at around 11:00. NDN came with me. (Incidentaly, when I rang his bell, he answered the door, syringe in hand. He's so weird! He asked our other neighbor who has access to medical supplies for a syringe so he could shoot his Thanksgiving turkey up with some alcohol to "relax" it. He gave me a syringe as a gift. Mind you, I've never done anything requiring a needle and I never will. But it's NDN's idea of funny...)

Anyway, we stood outside Cheers in the bitter cold air as I finished my cigarette. I peered through the window. Guess who was up doing karaoke? KHill! The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend when he told me I looked good in my costume and asked me to feel his erection (which I did... you can read about that here.) In any case, I have a little crush on him, but was embarrassed at our last point of contact. We went in the bar and I said hi. Candy was there as well--the girl who ended up naked in my apartment. (You can read about that here.) NDN took a seat near Candy and I went up to the bar to get us drinks. KHill's friend Dave came up to introduce himself to me. PumpedUp was standing nearby and Dave decided to try to impress me.

"Hey, Hyde-- do you know PumpedUp? He's a friend of mine. Do you know he owns this place?"

PumpedUp started cracking up.

"Oh, really? Nice to meet you!" I extended my hand to PumpedUp.

"Yeah, I've never seen this girl before!" he laughed.

Dave suddenly announced that he wanted to kiss me. (Yes, he was pretty drunk, and yes--it was a non-sequitur).

"Can I kiss you Hyde? How 'bout letting me get a kiss?"

I offered him my cheek. He reached over and put his hand on the back of my head, pulling my face towards him and going in for a kiss on the mouth. I pulled back.

"Hey! Leave her alone!" PumpedUp laughed again.

"Yeah, really! I mean, I just got here. Let me toss a few back before we start making out!"

"I'm taking you home tonight," Dave said. "You're leaving with me."

"Oh, alright, whatever..."

(I can't help but think that I'm getting some kind of a "reputation," although I don't deserve it. But KHill is the guy who told me he's sure I would let him "cum inside me" because his girlfriend won't let him. I wrote about that here.)

I scooped up the drinks and worked my way back to the table where NDN was waiting.

"Hey, Hyde!" KHill exclaimed as I moved past him, "Where you going? Aren't you going to hang out? Come back, Hyde!"

I deposited the drinks and went to say hi to him.

"So? What have you been up to?" I smiled.

"I don't know, Hyde-- trying to be good, I guess. Trying to behave. But it's so hard. That's why you haven't seen me in here. I was good for a week and a half. Got through last weekend."

(I thought of what IrishBird told me about him-- "He's a dog, Hyde!" she said. "He can't stay faithful!")

"Wow! One whole weekend?" I winked at him.

"It's just hard, you know?"

"Yeah, I know... I like to misbehave too," I smiled.

Just then, Dave came up to us again.

"Oh, have you met my friend Dave?"

"Yeah, he tried to make out with me a few minutes ago."

"That's right! Come on, Hyde, let me kiss you!" Dave piped in.

Again, I offered my cheek. He gave me a gross sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"Hey! Watch it!" KHill pulled his friend back.

"Alright, guys. I'm here with my friend, so..."

I excused myself and rejoined NDN. The boys left the bar shortly after. I'd say it was about time for them to go home!

NDN and I had a great time, but I drank way too much. We ended up talking to a group of girls who had recently graduated college, and NDN got one of their numbers. I ordered shots for me and NDN but he didn't want to do his, so I did both. NDN ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, which got me thinking, so I started drinking them too. (I haven't had Long Islands in a while, but I lost my second-virginity on a night of Long Island Iced Teas once upon a time...)

NDN took off at around 12:30 (I think) and I stayed and chatted with our new friends. I took one of their email addresses and sent her an invite to my upcoming birthday party. I don't remember the end of the night, but upon waking up this morning, I found that I had called Narc once (at around 2:30 am) and drunk-texted him "Are you still up?" DAMN IT!

This morning, I found myself half naked on my living room couch, blessed with a pounding headache. I looked at my watch. Shit! I had 10 minutes to get myself dressed and out of the house for a doctor's appointment. There's nothing like visiting the doctor drunk, but whatever... I think it went undetected. After that I had to head to speech therapy. She did another probe, sticking a long metal pipe down my throat with a camera attached to the end. (More practice trying to suppress that annoying gag-reflex!) She then had me produce a whole variety of sounds, recording the images onto a DVD. It was pretty cool to see afterwards. The good news? My cords are nice and healthy! There was a little phlegm in one area, and I still have a "posterior glottal chink," (in other words, my folds don't come completely together in the back), but overall, there's huge improvement from this summer.

After I left, I ate some Korean food for lunch and chatted with B on the phone. We had a pretty intense discussion about religion, love and justice. Then I headed to a voice lesson. I was feeling kind of crappy, as I had such a poor start to the day. My hair was unbrushed and quickly pulled back into a ponytail, and I was in an oversized sweatshirt, sneakers and jeans. My eyes were rimmed in pink and purple and were stinging, bloodshot through and through. Leaving my voice lesson, my teacher walked me to the door.

"Stay cool," he said.

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Sometimes I think I'm just losing my mind...

Anyway, I got in the elevator on the twelfth floor. (This was at about 3:45 pm). On the seventh floor, I was joined by a man (who looked to be around my age) with a big ring of keys. He looked like he worked in the building or something, although I had never seen him before.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Fine," I smiled. "And yourself?"

"I'm doing well. So... Any exciting plans for the weekend?"

I was caught off guard by his question. This was well beyond normal elevator-etiquette.

"Um, work, I guess."

"Work? What about the parties?"

I laughed. "Oh, yeah... Well, parties too, of course!"

"I bet you have a lot of boyfriends," he said. "How many boyfriends do you have?"

Now I was embarrassed. I'm sure I blushed.

"Oh, not that many," I answered.

"Well, how 'bout making me one of those friends?" he asked.

"Oh, um... yeah..." I looked at my watch and then up at the elevator lights marking our descent towards the lobby.

"You look like a fun girl. A party girl, I mean. In fact, I know it! You ARE a girl who knows how to party. Tell me I'm right. Am I right?"

"Why? Because I look like I have a hangover?"

He laughed.

"Well, yeah. So, why don't you let me give you a call this weekend? I promise I'll show you a good time..."

"Well, okay..." (Damn it, Hyde! Why did you say that?)

The elevator doors opened and the two of us exited. He held the door open for me onto the street, his cell phone in hand.

"So, what's your number?"

I gave it to him.

"H-Y-D-E." He entered me into his phone.

"So what's your drink, Hyde?"

"Jack Daniels."

He raised an eyebrow. "Hard stuff? Alright, sweetheart. I'll make sure I'm well stocked."

"Um, okay... Take care."

I scurried to get a taxi to meet B at the movies.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Hyde? I thought. You're not interested in this guy, yet within two minutes you gave him your phone number? Moronic.

I didn't see any yellow cabs around (they're very hard to get at the 4:00 hour. A lot of cabs go off duty then, as the shifts are changed). So when a gypsy cab approached, I got in. The driver was very chatty with me. I told him I was on my way to meet B at the movies.

"Friend or boyfriend?" he asked.

And then when he dropped me off, he waved goodbye.

"Alright, Babe. Have a good time, sweetie."

Babe? Sweetie? And I looked like shit today too. What the fuck was going on?

Whatever...

Like I said, B and I had a great time at the movies, although I stuffed myself with popcorn. We sat there through the credits, and B gave me the best hug in the world and kissed my eyelids. Afterwards, we exited into the biting winter air. Last night and tonight, it's finally starting to feel like winter! The air is dry and searing, and I absolutely love it! It's punishing weather, and when the cold bites my cheeks and freezes my thighs, I feel more alive. I waited for the bus with B and saw him off, before pulling my hood over my head, lighting a cigarette and heading towards Lexington. I had dinner plans with my friend Jake. I hummed "Folsom Prison Blues," my hands thrust in my pockets, the cigarette dangling from my lips. I tried to feel "dangerous."

Jake and I ended up eating at the Jackson Hole. I could hardly manage half of my burger, though, after all that popcorn. I hadn't seen Jake since mid-August. It was good to catch up with him. He just passed the Bar exam, but was out of work. I always feel a little "crazy" when I hang out with Jake. He doesn't talk very much, and I don't see him very often, so when we meet, I find that I do all the talking. He likes to hear about my adventures, and while my life makes "sense" to me as I live it day to day, trying to update someone, all at once, on its twists and turns makes me feel crazy!

Anyway, I don't think I have the energy for a wild night tonight. My mom and I are going to see The Marriage of Figaro tomorrow afternoon, so I can't show up looking all destroyed. NDN just called me and invited me out for drinks with him and a friend. I really should go to bed though. For now, I'll just hang out and listen to Johnny Cash. Oh, and maybe finally brush my hair...

Oh, and PS: My post is up at SwissToni's Place! Go check it out!

Awkward Talk

Okay, first of all, I just got off the phone with Hammer. I just have to say it-- she and the Wizard are both fucking crazy! (Although, I can't help but find it endearing). I know that I must endlessly frustrate my friends as they watch my life relationship-wise, so it's an interesting perspective for me to watch Hammer and the Wizard doing their own dance of "eternal recurrence."

Anyway, on to my post:

An example of a very awkward text exchange, typical of Hyde and Narc:

Hyde: Leaving class. What are you up to tonight? (9:18 pm)

Narc: Watching movies, staying in. You? (9:20 pm)

Hyde: Not sure. Might go out for a drink or two, but won't make it a late night out. Don't want to fuck w/ my sleep schedule. What are you watching? (9:32 pm)

Narc: "5x2" then "Yes." Probably sleep soon after. (9:34 pm)

Hyde: Don't know either of those. But do you feel like hanging out later or not? What time is "soon after?" (9:37 pm)

Narc: Not tonight. But have fun at Cheers! (9:39 pm)

Hyde: Will do. Actually may meet some friends downtown. (Refreshing change!) Going to see "Walk the Line" tomorrow. Can't wait! Enjoy your movie night. :) (9:45 pm)

See what I mean? Neither of us wants to say anything straight up. Neither of us said what we mean, although both of us understood the subtext, I'm sure...

Here's the conversation in translation:

Hyde: Narc, I'm leaving class and I'd like to see you.

Narc: I'd like to see you too, (that's why I'm bothering to text you back right away), but only if you want to come down here and watch movies with me. I'm depressed and don't have the energy to go out tonight.

Hyde: Wait-- so is that an invitation or not? Since you didn't invite me outright, I dont 'want to impose. And I don't want you to think I have nothing else to do except to race down there to see you after class. I mean, I've done that for the past few weeks, and I don't want to seem pathetic or like I'm at your beck and call... So, I want you to think I have other plans to take care of first. But you KNOW I want to see you, and I'm not opposed to coming down there! Look I'm showing interest-- what are you watching?

Narc: Now my ego is wounded. It's over. Obviously, I'm not your priority tonight, so that's it-- don't expect me to wait up for you and have you show up here drunk. If you don't want to come watch these movies with me NOW, just don't come at all.

Hyde: Wait-- what are you saying? You don't want me to come AT ALL? But you'll still be up for a few hours! When would I have to be there to still have this work out okay? What time are the movies ending?

Narc: Forget it. Obviously you have other plans, and would rather go out drinking than come here, so whatever... Go have your fun at Cheers while I sit home by myself.

(Hmm... this seems to be a move designed to punish both of us.)

Hyde: You know what? Fine! I WILL have fun! And don't think you know everything about my social life! I'm not going to Cheers! I'm actually meeting other people. You don't know me as well as you think you do...

(And then)

Wait, no-- don't be mad-- I mean, I DO want to see you, and the only reason I said I had to go for drinks was because I had these other plans. That's the only reason I didn't volunteer to come there right away. Sorry. It's okay, right? Everything's okay between us, right? Look-- I'll prove it. I'll make pleasant chit chat. Guess what? I'm going to see a Johnny Cash movie tomorrow! You know I love that... And um... I hope you're okay tonight, and not too depressed.

No response was forthcoming. I didn't expect one. Anyway, now that I know I'm not "on call" for the evening, I need to go about figuring out what I actually want to do with myself. I wasn't entirely lying about the possibility of "downtown" plans. My friend Nipkins called me earlier and asked if I wanted to meet up with her and some friends. But Narc is probably right. I think I'll skip out on the "long distance" thing and just stop into Cheers...

Damn it! This is NOT how I wanted the evening to go...

-h-


PS: To answer Dan's question about my last contact with the Stallion-- He left me a note in early July that said

Hey Hyde,
It's the Stallion.I was in the area, so I figured I would stop by. My phone isn't working and I cracked the screen so I could not retreive your number for the 4th of July. Call me at home-- xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Would like to hang out with you!!! :)
-The Stallion

It was a little strange because he also stopped by Cheers that week, and he doesn't live or work in the neighborhood. That said, if he really broke his phone (and I know that phone number got shut down), he had no other way of getting in touch with me. I called him on Friday, July 15th and we talked for a while about all of the drama I had gone through between May (when I had last seen him) and July. He wanted to see me that night, but I put him off, as I was in the midst of a Narc-breakup and quite depressed. I also had to attend Anxious' housewarming party. Anyway, we hadn't had any contact since then...

Hope that clears it up...

So Much to Do, So Little Time!

I'm stressed out today.

My Italian History class has been cancelled, but that has left me with the unfortunate dilemma of deciding whether to go home in the afternoon before before coming back here to teach again this evening, or whether I should go hear ProfSex's talk at school.

Hmmm... They both have their merits.

I have a lot of work I'm behind on (including housework!) which I could do at home... On the other hand, I'm sure the lecture will be interesting. And Hammer could probably use a friend there, as the Wizard will be attending.

I don't know...

I would write a longer post, but I just spent the last half hour finishing my list of "earworms" to be posted on SwissToni's blog tomorrow. You should all go check it out!

:)

Hyde

"Future is obviously a value concept"

Last night there was such a romantic post stirring in me. The moon was full and the sky clear-- so clear that the moon's surface was visible--murky shadows and patches of grey. My face upturned, peering out the windows of the M11 bus, a wispy cloud or two snaking through the city lights, struggling towards the howling moon. Well, maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but it felt like Gotham City. Compounding the aesthetic of the moment were the gloomy electric blue lights atop the Empire State Building. Vivid and glaringly nightmarish, I imagined myself in a Kirchner painting.

"Blue," I thought. "The color of death." (At least according to what I learned about Emily Dickinson in 11th grade English class-- With Blue--uncertain stumbling Buzz--Between the light--and me--And then the Windows failed--and then I could not see to see).

I thought of Frank Sinatra. "Old Blue Eyes" and I shared a birthday; growing up, the building turned blue on the Twelfth of December without fail.

This afternoon, I'm no longer in such a romantic mood. Instead, swimming in the harsh light of reason, I'm forced to contemplate this morning's therapy session. Such an unpleasant intrusion on a girl's fantasy life, wouldn't you agree!

But of course, it's brought me to think about Narc and to think about what it is that I think about Narc. Primarily, my therapist was prompting me to look at my reactions to Narc. She doesn't think I respond appropriately to the facts of our relationship. She thinks I internalize him as an invented construction, the product of my rich imagination.

So, what? I wanted to ask her. So, what if I do? I don't care. I love him.

Nevermind. I didn't have the energy for her answer.

In any case, do you think it's strange that the readings for my Holocaust class have become useful tools as I think about my screwed up personal life? Am I that self-absorbed? Or are such comparisons a natural segway for a person whose life is necessarily consumed by ideas about the past?

Last week we discussed the "religious rush" of violence. But what I latched onto was the idea that violence can be used to create a boundary where there is anxiety about a lack of boundaries. Violence enforces "difference" upon the body of the victim, especially useful when there is fear of "merging."

(This, mind you, is something I will never fully understand, as the merging of two, sublimated a la Schopenhauer and/or Wagner is something that I would unequivocally welcome).

In any case, Bernd Weisbrod writes:

The hunting down of that enemy is everywhere closely allied with the theme of deception, treachery, betrayal, secrecy, and ultimate revelation. This was the case with the Stalinist show trials and their enforced confessions just as with the Nazi obsession to "know" the Jew as pretender by marking his or her body and extinguishing its very matter... The deceitful enemy within the national body could be detected with 'dead certainty' only by the use of violence...

He goes on to point out:

Acts of violence are thus experienced as existential acts, in which the threshold of the self is crossed... They are performative self-acts which need an audience and usually follow the established pattern of revelation.

Violence in my personal relationships is not a topic I feel entirely comfortable discussing publicly. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions. But understanding violence as the attempt to assert one's selfhood and to distance oneself from the threat of invasion by the "other" makes a lot of sense to me on an interpersonal level.

"The charisma is in the violence, not in the belief system, whether secular or not."

(Charismatic violence... Also making sense to me).

This week we read a different sort of article--Jean Amery's Resentments from At the Mind's Limits. Again, I had to think of Narc. Amery is right in that the "resentful" person isn't well liked. Resentment, bitterness, is unflattering. But Narc is resentful, and rightfully so. He has been grievously wronged in ways that I can't go into here.

Amery explains that "resentment blocks the exit to the genuine human dimension, the future. I know that the time-sense of the person trapped in resentment is twisted around, dis-ordered, if you wish, for it desires two impossible things: Regression into the past and nullification of what happened."

Resentment blocks the exit to the genuine human, dimension, the future.

He continues:

It is impossible for me to accept a parallelism that would have my path run beside that of the fellows who flogged me with a horse-whip. I do not want to become the accomplice of my torturers; rather, I demand that the latter negate themselves and in the negation coordinate with me.

I demand that the latter negate themselves and in the negation coordinate with me.

But what happens when it is unclear who "the torturers" are? What if they no longer exist? Must the whole world negate itself for the resentful to experience relief?

Narc insists upon such negation. He demands negation. He demands coordination with himself. There is no room for flexibility. Most people won't do it for him. I try to. And quite often, I've been sucessful. But this poses a whole new set of problems--once negated, I am a threat, for I've managed to get "too close." Alas! The danger of merging! The need for him to enforce difference.

Poor Narc! The world can not bend for him and when it does, he can not accept it. Resentment demands humility from others alongside a mistrust of the humbled.

In July, Narc writes: Why am I surrounded by the people that I am? And why do I feel like I don't have an authentic relationship with any of them? And never have? And never will?

And it breaks my heart.

Is this a fantasy of mine?

Which brings me back to my therapy session this afternoon.

I can't seem to untangle how it is that I filter out so much of what occurs. Do I choose to only selectively embrace those pieces that complement my fragile but beautiful narrative? Am I deluding myself? Or have I uncovered a truth that penetrates deeper than that towards which his actions seem to speak?

Narc arrived back from Europe on October 6th. I didn't hear a word from him until the 16th. "Back," he wrote. Just one word-- Back.

"It doesn't bother me," I told my therapist. "It's presumptuous of him, yes, but it's typical. I feel soft towards him. Affection, I guess you could say. I guess I find it somewhat amusing."

"Amusing?!?" she exclaimed, "It's tragic!" "

"Hmm... Tragic?" I thought, "I think I like that even better!"

I don't know... I'm still feeling all fucked up in the head, but it's okay. Hammer and I have been talking about relationships a lot lately, as she's in transition, and I think it's been helping me as well.

In other news, guess what? I got a call from the Stallion! I know, I know... Long time, no see! The last time I even spoke to the Stallion was the second week in July. The last time I saw him was the first week in May, the night that he strangely told me that he "loves me." (Somehow, I don't think so).

Anyway, here's what he said:

Hey, what's up Hyde? How you doin'? It's the Stallion! I guess give me a call back when you get this message. I wanna maybe catch up with you-- see how everything's going. I hope everything's going well. You know you're awesome and all... So, my new number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Okay? And I'll talk to you soon.

I guess it's good to know he's still somewhere in my orbit. I don't particularly feel the urge to see him right now, as I'm in love with Narc, and can't quite take any more complications, but it's nice to know he's there if I want him to be.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've thought enough about all of this for one day. Time to get some reading done for class and then I'm off to a voice lesson. Tonight I have choir practice. I hope my voice holds up. It was sitting kind of low this morning. I really have to start taking better care of myself.

later...

h