Lizard Spit

Today is day three on my new medication. Can you believe it? I'm injecting myself with lizard spit!

The first day was kind of rough. I felt really nauseated with an upset stomach for the entire second half of the day. My AA meeting was holding elections that night, but I wanted to leave before the voting, as I needed to take a second injection and I was feeling a little woozy. My sponsor told me to stay, but I left anyway, explaining it to her after. I have to say-- it felt really good to do what I knew was the right thing for me and to stand up for myself. It's cool that I could practice that with my sponsor. Now if only I can flex that muscle enough to act that way with Narc!

Day two on my meds was easier on my stomach, but I ended up taking a long nap in the afternoon. I don't know why I was so fatigued, but I made it through the day without eating any egregious sugars...

Today I woke up bright and early, but ended up falling asleep again and napping on and off until around 2:00 pm. I forced myself up, at that point, as I had to teach, but I'm still feeling kind of crappy-- a little dizzy, sweaty, flushed and with hot flashes. I hope that if this is all from the medicine, that it will pass in another day or two. My sugar cravings are disappearing, which is kind of miraculous, but I'm still nervous about injecting myself with toxic lizard spit. I have so much on my plate right now, that it's hard to keep on top of any one thing. I'm just trying to pay close attention to how I feel and take it one day at a time.

Anyway... what else is going on? For one thing-- the texting continues. I couldn't believe Narc's text to me on Tuesday. In case, you forgot, I'll write it here again.

Hyde please don't think I'm blowing you off. This is how I get when I'm writing. Will be here for a bit, if you feel like company, come by after your teaching.

After that, I went to AA but couldn't resist writing back. I wrote:

It does feel like that... And things are sensitive right now. Just got out of class and going to AA. But call me later, okay?

He didn't call me later, but he did send me a text. When I read it, Brick was over at my house.

Just out of "Fast Food Nation." Most disturbing...

I put off writing back for a few hours, but couldn't make it through the night.

No more McDonald's for you then...huh? I said.

He responded right away: But the burgers are so tasty...! (sigh)

Yesterday morning, I wrote to him again: Good luck with the essay (if you finished it!)

I didn't hear from him until around 9:30 last night: "Oh Mr. Darcy..." "Miss Bennett..." "Mr. Darcy..." Damn this movie won't go away!

Brick slept over again last night, and I promised him I wouldn't write back to Narc. So, again, I held off until morning, when I wrote:

You know I prefer Heathcliff to Darcy. And today is a perfect day to go racing across the moors...

That's it in the Narc department. Pretty dumb. When the hell will I be able to let go? To surrender?

It's strange... I have been thinking about all of this a lot (because I always am!) but also because of the CL ad I posted. I didn't answer a single response, although I was flooded with many that had potential, even for this skeptic. I didn't answer because I didn't want to. And I usually say that I'm "not interested" because I'm in love with Narc. I am in love with Narc. Of that, I have no doubt. But I don't think that's the reason for my faithfulness to him. I think I'm afraid of being promiscuous again. I'm "all or nothing" in everything I do. We're coming up on the two year anniversary of when I told Narc that I'm in love with him and that I would forsake all others for him. Did I really love him back then? I don't know. But I desperately wanted to stop fucking around the way I was. I wish I were better at being "in between."

Anyway, I should get going. I have another meeting to get to. I'm glad that Brick is coming to my home group these days. I get to see a lot more of him. It was so cute the way he came over last night, still in his work clothes and tie, toting some Chinese food.

Talk to you all later...
-h-