Six-Month Stretch

It's been a busy week. The end of last week was difficult and I was overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts. It was bad. I called my mom crying that "something had to change." I think that part of this has to do with my long overdue un-addressed blood sugar issue, but the rest of it is hormonal, as it keeps happening to me for the same two days out of the month. I need to figure out a way to fix it because I can't live like that.

Last Weekend:

In any case, over the weekend I went to my parents house and on Friday night I spent a lot of time with my stepbrother. It was really fulfilling for me. Normally, it just depresses me, but this time I had a lot of fun. He loves music and it is incredibly evident that music works a different part of his brain than language because he has an amazing musical memory even though he has very few words.

Before I got there, though, I met my mom at her office. I hung out with her for a while and then we made a pit-stop at the Bridal Salon where LilSis ordered her gown. There was a dress she had picked out for me as her maid of honor (BigSis and I are sharing the honor!). I tried the dress on (the best I could, given the tiny sample size) and decided to get it! It's gorgeous. (I'm ordering it in a dark red. You can check it out here.) I also got to see LilSis' dress, which I loved.

When we got back to the house, my grandpa came over with Chinese food in tow. We all watched Jeopardy while we ate. I used to watch that show all the time with my mom when I was in high school. I was a real wiz at it then. I have to say--I've since grown a little rusty. After dinner, I sat down with my stepbrother to play some piano while he sang. He had a blast!!! It was awesome. He was laughing, and singing away and shaking some maracas that my mom found, while I hammered out some oldies like "Stand By Me" and "Great Balls of Fire." LilSis came over and sang with us too. At one point, I played "One" from A Chorus Line and LilSis did a really funny dance with my stepbrother's walker. Even my stepfather joined in on the fun, with my mom taking pictures. It was nice. I just enjoyed being around my family.

Later that night, after my stepfather put my stepbrother to bed, LilSis, my mom and I stayed up late and talked. It was the first time I really talked to LilSis... possibly ever! We talked about everything. It was like a family therapy session minus the therapist. It was the first time I ever exposed myself to her, and opened up like that to my mom. I was really impressed at her maturity and openmindedness. She can come off as harsh, but she explained to me that it's her defense-- that she remembers shutting down around my dad when she was just three or four, feeling detached from him and annoyed that he was yellow and puking and rambling on about one thing or another. It's amazing to me how she and I reacted to all of that so differently. We also talked about the relationship that we've had for the past few years. It was a really healing thing.

I didn't climb into bed that night until after 2:00 am. Of course, I was anxious that having left Narc's place that afternoon, he ignored a text I sent him from the train. So I wrote to him again, asking about Borat, and he ignored me again. But, I already told you all of that...

The next day, I woke up bright and early. We were expecting a visit from GoldenFinch. Her husband had a seminar to attend one town over from where my mom lives, so she arrived with her son, BabyBird, ready to spend the day. I absolutely love that baby!

He has such beautiful eyes from his mother (not so evident in this picture) and beautiful lips from his father (who is a french horn player). I told GoldenFinch that I thought he was going to grow up to be a "brooder." I tried to teach the baby how to do a Byronic sneer. This picture (taken with my cell phone) was as close as I got...

It was really nice to see GoldenFinch again so soon. She held the baby while we sang "A Boy Like That" from West Side Story and ran through an old copy of Palestrina's Sicut Cervus, marked in B's handwriting "With Hushed Intensity." It made me laugh for the "old days."

It was nourishing to spend time with BabyBird and it was nourishing to watch the baby make my stepbrother smile. JBC loves kids and when he got up, he was having fun playing with the baby too.

At around 3:00, GoldenFinch volunteered to drive me into the city, where she was heading to meet her sister.

That night, I still hadn't heard from Narc. I was really antsy about it and wanted to get out of the house in a "Saturday night" kind of way. I called Hammer and made plans to go down and meet her. In the meanwhile, I called Brick. He said he was on his way to meet up with a guy. He sounded strange.

Hammer and I met at a diner in the West Village. I smoked Black and Gold cigarettes that Narc left at my house a year ago. We sat in the diner for a long time, just talking. Then I walked her back to her apartment for an episode of Sex in the City. It was a fun night.

I didn't get back to my building until around 3:00 am. As luck would have it, NDN was still up and invited me over for a chat. He was about to install his bathroom cabinets, and asked if I wanted to write any "graffiti" on his bathroom wall before the cabinets would cover it up. We came up with a few funny quotes and inside jokes and drew them on the wall with a thick black marker.

Finally, it was home and to bed.

The next day, I woke up feeling exhausted. I had to motivate myself out of bed, though, because Meema was running in the New York City Marathon and I had agreed to watch her pass by on the corner of 62nd and 1st. I made it up there (a little late) and found her husband, mother, mother in law, stepfather and two stepsisters. There, I waited with them for over an hour until she was spotted, gracefully jogging towards us. I couldn't believe how beautiful and sweat-free she remained despite the fact that she had already finished about twenty miles!

After Meema passed by, I stopped in at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I was suddenly filled with the urge for "home improvement." I called Brick from the store, but he didn't answer. In the meantime, I bought myself two beautiful goose-down pillows and a TON of cleaning supplies. Needing company, I called Bezoukhoff who joined me and helped me carry the stuff home. There, I scrubbed my kitchen floor with a brush just slightly larger than a toothbrush, while Bezoukhoff read me excerpts from Atlas Shrugged and I tried to exorcise my sexual masochism through cleaning.

After my cleaning blitz, Bezoukhoff and I went for dinner which I capped off with a brownie sundae dessert that looked like it could have been served by a clown at a kid's birthday party!

This Week:

The next day, I woke up to a very frightening text message from Brick:

I relapsed.

I called him right away, but he didn't pick up. I left him a message telling him how much I love him and that he should be proud of himself for admitting to this so fast and for coming back to help himself. I told him that I was there for him and I asked him to call me. He did. I really am proud of him for not giving up on himself. I can't imagine how he feels right now. He was skipping work, but we made a plan to meet later. I told him that we were going to a meeting together that night. Then, I had to go about my day.

I was pretty unsettled, so on the way in to work, I called Talis and left her a message to tell her what was going on. Then I had to teach. When I got out, I had a message waiting from Talis, and I have to say, I found it very off-putting.

"You are not to see your friend," she said. "You CAN NOT go to his house. The only way you can see him is to meet him at a meeting. And you must come see me after Tuesday night's meeting! I need to talk to you about some things..."

I understand that she had my best interest at heart, and I didn't particularly disagree with her suggestion. I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone.

I headed downtown to meet Hammer at the Tea Spot and to grade papers. As often happens with Hammer and Hyde, we talked a lot and didn't get enough work done. It's okay, though... I love our conversations. I told Hammer that I was upset at the message from my sponsor and I played it for her. She was taken aback and agreed that if she had received such a message, she would feel really negatively about it too. Soon enough, I had to leave for therapy. I called Brick and left him a message and hopped into a cab.

I played the message for my therapist too! She told me that it was "inappropriate" and not indicative of what the sponsor-sponsee relationship is about. She told me to tell my sponsor how I feel and not to build up a resentment. I was really nervous at that prospect.

In any case, as I came out of my therapists office, there was Brick slouched in the waiting room. I felt so protective of him and gave him a huge hug. He definitely had a look about him that I've never seen in him before-- "puffy eyed, cynical indifference" is the best way I can describe it. We set off on foot for my usual Monday night meeting and I bought him an ice cream along the way.

It was an 11th step "mediation meeting," and I had an interesting thought during the 10 minute "meditation." The 11th step talks about improving "conscious contact" with God through prayer and mediation. It's hard for me to have any kind of contact with God (granted, I'm not up to the 11th step yet!), but what I find happening is that I'm developing more conscious contact with myself and it's a weird feeling! At first, in the darkened silence, I started to think about Narc... fantasize... imagine him... Then I started to feel pain. Then I tried to block that pain out. Then it came back. And I tried to let myself feel it. I'm trying to get to know myself, because even with all of my introspection and critical self-analysis, I never really check in with what I'm feeling at any given moment. It's kind of a scary thing to try...

Anyway, during the meeting, Brick introduced himself and said he had "one day," which I know was really hard for him to do. Afterwards, a bunch of the guys came up to talk to him. He exchanged numbers with them and one of them offered to be an interim sponsor. My home group has a reputation in NY for being a little "Nazi-ish" about the rules and about staying "solution-oriented," but at the same time, it's a really energetic disciplined group, and the sponsors all really do their jobs. I felt confident, bringing Brick there, that he would finally get started on his step-work.

That night, Brick came with me back to my place. As for me? I called Talis to confront her about my discomfort, before I got alienated any further from the program. To my surprise, she apologized! Not only did she apologize, but she told me I'm right-- that she shouldn't tell me what to do; rather she can only make suggestions. She said that she knows that she often comes across as "abrasive" and that I have to remember that she's "only human."

"I just see myself in you," she said, "and I know how much I suffered in early recovery. I don't want you to think that sobriety has to mean suffering and so I just want you to do the right things. But I have to try to remember, that I can't control you. I have to 'let go and let god.'"

The talk made me feel a lot better and I'm glad that I actually confronted something rather than sitting on it. It was a good learning experience for me.

On Tuesday morning, Brick was skipping work again. Why? He had an important interview scheduled. I took very good care of him on Monday night and woke up early on Tuesday morning so that I could vote and go back to his place with him to cheer him on and check out his suit before his appointment. With Brick nervously on his way to the interview, I headed to the Upper West Side to meet B for lunch. While we ate, Brick called to tell me that the interview was a huge success!

From there, I went to teach. Afterwards, it was off to Tuesday night's mega-meeting. Brick met me out front, but ended up sitting with his "sponsor." I sat where I usually sit-- with Meema, who arrived half-hobbling after Sunday's race.

After the meeting, I took Brick over to meet Talis. Neither of them was at all what the other one thought. It was pretty funny. From there, Brick and I headed back to my place.

The next day, when I awoke, it was "gray and dreary, deary!" I had a lot of grading to do. Brick skipped work again and sat at my computer composing job-related emails. We ordered in Chinese food. I lay on my bed and listened to Baroque music. (Ah, the pathos!)

Mid-afternoon, I made a mistake. Brick and I had been telling each other stories from the past. I talked a lot about Air-7, a guy I dated in college. And also about ChoirMan-- my choir director from college-- the one I tried to contact last month, but the email bounced back to me. Anyway, I was prompted to pick up my journals from that time period. I shouldn't have done it. It really, REALLY fucked with my head. It sent me spinning off into a depression. I'd explain more about it, but I really don't want to go back there today. (As they say in AA, "My mind is a bad neighborhood. I shouldn't go walking through it alone!")

It left me a mess though... crying and everything. Brick tried to cheer me up a bit, but there wasn't much he could do. I'm sure he thinks I'm CRAZY after some of the stuff I told him-- stuff I've never told anyone before! I needed a quick fix. Something from the outside, or I would really just kill myself. The only thing I could think to do was to sing. It worked, although not as quickly or as thoroughly as a few lines would have done!

After that Brick went to his place to change his clothes and work out. I met him later at a Big Book meeting in my neighborhood. I met a cool girl at the meeting and we exchanged numbers. I have to remember to give her a call today. After the meeting, Brick and I went out to eat with my friend Lana and a very bizarre woman who appeared to be heavily medicated.

Then it was home for some ice cream and gossip in bed.

Today I woke up early to continue on with my grading. I am still pretty messed up by what I read in my journals. I feel sad and angry. I called ChoirMan where he works and left him a message. I don't know why.

I don't know... I feel like I should be happy today because it's my "six months." But I feel anxious and sad. The chaos that I use to cover everything is starting to give way and reveal the true issues and I'm not comfortable with it.

I don't know... I have to find a way to come to terms with the past. What scares me though, is that when I read that journal, I'm sure I had a mental illness. I'm sure of it. It makes me nauseas to think about. I spoke to Contessa last night. She tells me that she's getting married. It's good news. But, it's strange... GoldenFinch has a baby, Contessa is getting married... And of course, I'm thinking about VJ today, as it's her birthday. I'm so sad about how things just unraveled between us, but I guess that's just part of life. I forgot how much I used to worry about her. Those pages of my journal were filled with that-- sick with anxiety about her sickness. I wish I weren't so self-seeking, but having read all that, I feel even more betrayed by her. Getting sober has been the central struggle of my life-- the most difficult thing I have ever taken on... and yet, she is nowhere to be seen. She hasn't called once to ask me how I am or to say that she is proud of me or that she's thinking of me. When she didn't come to my dinner party this summer, I was hoping that it wasn't indicative of the bigger picture, but I was sadly disproved. I guess we didn't have much of a foundation for a real friendship after all...

Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. Brick can't make the meeting with me tonight because he has his therapist, so he's going to an earlier one. I may see him later on though. Tomorrow, my mom and my sisters are coming into the city to celebrate with me.

Oh-- and a long-awaited piece of furniture has FINALLY arrived! My "home improvements" are still underway!

As for Narc... my sweet, sweet Narc... I think that he is feeling guilty. He can't deal with me right now, and he pretty much said as much in his text a few days ago. I feel sick about it, but then again, I always do. I found some "love letters" written to Air-7 and what scares me is that with a few minor changes, they could have been written to Narc. I never realized how extremely I'm repeating what I went through eight years ago!

In any case, I called him today and left him a message. I'm tired of walking on egg-shells with him. I feel defeated and have decided to give in until I break, or he goes away for good. I think, at this point, I've proven to myself that I'm not going to break and I'm not going to die. So... that means I'll survive. And when I'm ready for this to be done, it will be done.

Okay... gotta dash off to my meeting now. I get my six-month coin tonight! Wouldn't miss it for the world...

love,
h