Shift

Today it's cold outside. I love it. It's crispy and my cheeks and nose are pink. I feel muted, white and grey, but in a beautiful, Romantic way.

This was a busy weekend for me, and one that was filled with music and movies! On Friday I saw the James Bond movie with B. You all already know what I thought of that one! ;)

Later that night, I headed to a women's meeting-- a new one that I hadn't been to. A girl in my home group chairs the meeting and had invited me. I have to say-- I was surprised at how uncomfortable I was in a roomful of women. I hate to say it, but I really don't like women very much, except for the few that I'm close to. More self-hatred, I guess, but I definitely have a misogynist streak in me. Anyway, I don't feel expanding on that right now, but it gave me a lot of food for thought.

After that, I met up with NDN for a little Congee Village followed by a viewing of Volver, which I loved. I had a great time. NDN and I were up to our usual antics! We ate strudel at Yonah Schimmel's and NDN made chit chat in Russian with the little old ladies.

On our way home, we stopped over at Cheers because Double-T texted me that he would be there. Can you believe that that guy is still around and pursuing me?!?! He's so persistent. Anyway, when I got there, PumpedUp spotted me and made a big show, throwing his arms up in the air and exclaiming "It's Hyde! Hyde's here! It's Hyde!" He and FightingMensch were both a little drunk and gave me big hugs and PumpedUp kissed me on the cheek.

FightingMensch wanted to buy me a drink.

"No shots of Jager tonight, Hyde?" PumpedUp laughed.

"Nope... I'm six months sober now," I smiled. "Just a diet coke, please."

'No way! Wow! You should have seen this girl drink!" PumpedUp said, turning to the interchangeable girl on FightingMensch's arm. "You should have seen her go at the Jack Daniels. I mean... I've seen people drink, but never like Hyde!"

It made me feel weird. I was torn between being proud and feeling awful for feeling proud and feeling guilty for even being in a bar and putting myself into that situation, and sad that I can't drink like that anymore. I remember that feeling-- drinking the boys under the table. I miss it. It made me feel strong. But I don't want to go there...

Anyway, I couldn't believe the affection pouring out of PumpedUp. He pinched my cheek. It made me laugh. It made me sad.

After a while, TT came over and found me and so NDN and I went over and found seats with him. We hung out there for a while, as NDN was waiting to blow us away with his rendition of Eminem. And later on, Brick called me, just out of a date with some oil tycoon (Brick and his men!) and so I told him to come meet us at Cheers. He showed up, but didn't feel comfortable staying, so I gave him the key to my apartment.

TT was also pouring out the affection. He kept putting his arm around me. I could tell that he was a little beyond tipsy. He kept telling me how glad he is to know me and how much he likes me.

"I don't want to sound strange or inappreciative," I began, "but I don't get why you like me so much... I mean... I've only acted completely crazy around you!"

"You're good people," he said. "And at the risk of sounding cliche, you're a remarkable woman. I don't come across too many of those!"

I'll take it, I guess.

At around 2:00, it was time to head home. NDN's song never got called, but I was tired. When I got back to my place, Brick was up waiting. We stayed up gossiping for a while, before finally crashing to bed at around 4:00.

The next morning, Brick took off relatively early to go to a meeting with a new friend from our homegroup (I need a name for him!). I hung around the house until it was time to go to my own meeting-- a "Double Winners" meeting that I first tried out a few weeks ago. After that, I headed over to the West Side to meet my mom at the opera. We had tickets for La Boheme.

It was an absolutely beautiful production with Rolando Villazon as Rodolfo and Angela Marambio as Mimi. She's making her Met debut this year and I really liked her voice. Her mi chiamano Mimi inspired me to want to come home and sing all night long!

After the opera, my mom drove me back to my neighborhood where we ate Chinese for dinner and talked about men in general (a thinly veiled discussion about Narc in particular). She gave me a great metaphor (something about being a guppy in a pond) but I don't have the energy to explain it right now.

My friend NV (who I haven't mentioned on here in FOREVER!) was having a party later that night and I asked Brick to come. Brick, however, was still hanging out with his new AA friend and the two of them had signed up for some sort of gay-speed-dating. They ended up not showing up to my place until 10:30, and I was really annoyed because Brick had originally agreed to meet me at 9:00. In any case, I cleaned my house up while I waited, and worked on a crossword puzzle.

Anyway, for the rest of the weekend, I'll have to come back and post more later. Right now, I've got to run to therapy and then to a meeting tonight.

On the Narc front, not much is new except that I feel myself breaking and I know that I will never be sober until I surrender. I was talking to Brick about this last night and he said it best-- even if I can stay "dry," I'll never be "sober." Anyway, as yesterday was our "anniversary," I thought I would die if I didn't hear from him. So, I sent him a text in the morning asking him to call me. He did. But when the phone rang, I got too scared pick up because I didn't know what to say. After that, some banal texting ensued.

And... that's it.

Hope you're all well!

love,
hyde