Just when I think everything is sort of okay, I start to lose my mind without reason. I've just spent the past two hours sobbing in my bed. Slipping into my old self... my old, old self. I don't know why. All I can think about is dying. But there's the same old stupid Hyde dilemma-- suicide would "look bad." It would blow my cover. I'm supposed to have my shit more together than that. I wanted to slice up my arms, but I didn't. The scars would be too visible and I know it would annoy me tomorrow when I'll prefer to pretend that today never happened.
So, I didn't do anything. I just clenched my fists and stayed in bed and cried. I didn't call anyone because I don't want to worry anyone. And now, I've gotten up. I'm in my living room, but I hate it in here ever since I took down my Christmas lights. The room feels cold and barren to me once the sun sets... even though it is the most overstuffed, brightly colored room imaginable.
I don't want to go to my high school reunion next month, even though I promised BigSis I'd go. I have to tell her that I don't want to. She's going to be upset. Plus, we already paid for the tickets...
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I hate myself and can't stand this... having no way out... no fucking release. I hate being sober. But I hated being a drunk too.
I wish I could feel better. I wish I had energy... momentum. I wish I could feel on the inside, how other people look on the outside.
I wish I could stop wishing to die. It's too embarassing a thing to even tell anyone...
Fuck it. I'm not going anywhere tonight... except maybe to a meeting. I don't really want to do that either, but it's only five blocks from my house, so I have no excuse.
I'll have to fix my mascara before I go.
I wish I could forget about Narc.
I wish I could disappear.
h
5 comments:
My Dear dear Hyde, My heart goe's out to you in every way. At the same time I am so incredibly proud of you. When I read that your solution was to go to a meeting and get support I almost did three backflips.
IT WILL GET BETTER.
Ps I really fucked up my blog last night so just in case heres the url again.
http://mr-mystic.blogspot.com/
I'll tell you something that Gail Ross has always told me. Things ALWAYS get better. They do Hyde, they do.
Hyde, you've been working on your fourth step and that's an emotional thing. It brings up a lot of painful things from the past. It's about getting honest with yourself and is the first concrete, action step towards letting go and moving forward. That's not easy. Talk to your sponsor, let her know how you're feeling. She's been there too. She's there to help guide you through this if you'll let her.
This is a difficult task, but I promise you that when you've finished and come out the other side, you'll feel more free than you have in a long time. Maybe more than you've ever felt.
One suggestion if your sponsor hasn't said it already: put yourself on your fourth step list. You belong there, too. *hug*
Dear Hyde,
I love you and I'm always here for you!
Love
Hammer
PS: Why not put the lights back up in your apartment? There's nothing like warm lighting...
I've not gone through it, but I have heard that the 4th step is quite a bear to get through.
It's overwhelming and scary, but you are learning new ways of being and acting in response to your feelings. This is good.
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