One More Try?

Happy Birthday, B!!!

B is turning 30 today. I don't know why that makes me feel anxious, but it does. I've known him for all of his 20's. I am always so afraid of time and of change and of "moving on."

Anyway, it's been a rough week for me, emotionally. On Friday, my mom and sisters came into the city to celebrate my six months. My mom came earlier, though, to take me to the doctor. My depression and my blood sugar problems have been spiraling out of control, and I needed to do something to get a handle on it. I went back to my endocrinologist with a list of questions in hand and got a few new answers. He prescribed me a new medication (used to treat diabetes, although I don't have diabetes yet) and it has to be taken by injection. That creeped me out a little, until I realized that a girl who has no qualms about cutting herself with half-rusted razor blades shouldn't be so squeamish about sticking a tiny needle in her thigh twice a day. I'm still not satisfied that this medication will be "the answer," but at least it's a starting point. I can't really explain it any more than that without going into boring medical details, so I'll leave it at that for now.

Afterwards, my mom and I went to the bookstore to shop around while we waited for LilSis' train to arrive from Long Island. My mom bought me a hysterical book called AdDICKted-- 12 Steps to Kicking Your Bad Boy Habit . I also got The Nazi Conscience-- the new(-ish) Claudia Koonz book.

At around 5:00, we met both my sisters at Penn Station and headed to the Upper West Side to synagogue. I got to choose our events from the evening, and that's what I decided to do! As luck would have it, Hammer's parents were in town visiting and she was also at the same service. At long last! Hyde and Hammer's mothers got to meet! It was a very strange coincidence, given that neither of them is ever at Friday night services in NY...

After dinner, I took my family to La Caridad for some fabulous fried food. Then it was home and to bed-- the first night of the week that Brick didn't spend the night. Even so, he awoke me with a 2:00 am phone call. I thought it was going to be Narc, but it wasn't...

That was the night that I slept fitfully-- the night that I sent Narc that half crazed email telling him that I would no longer call him nor wait for the phone to ring. (I'm still waiting...). The next morning, it was a bleak day. The sky dripped with gray and sadness and I only wanted to listen to Baroque music. I had a pile of midterms to grade on the top of my list, but I didn't want to do any of it. Instead, I decided that I needed to buy a new hair iron. So, I went out into the cold, bought a coffee and some cigarettes and walked 15 blocks to spend $120 that I don't really have. I don't care, though... I got a good one and it works a lot faster and with a lot less damage than the old one. While I was at Bed, Bath & Beyond, Brick called me. He asked if I wanted to meet up, and he said that he'd meet me there.

After he showed up, we walked back to my place, picked up some pizza and bummed around my apartment for the rest of the afternoon. That evening, he had plans to go to a meeting with a friend he met in my home group and I had plans to head out to the Bill W. Dinner Dance-- a New York Intergroup fundraiser. I got all dolled up in a super-low cut black dress with a super padded bra for extra effect. I slipped into some heels (a rare effort for this girl!) and I was off!

The event was held at the NY Hilton with nearly 2,000 people in attendance! I didn't see anyone I knew at first, but then bumped into a guy I "greet" with on Tuesday nights and it turns out we were seated at the same table. I ended up having some interesting conversation with two of the men at my table. I was feeling anxious, though, and couldn't quite adjust to being there. I don't know why, but I just felt shitty about myself and really quite uncomfortable. Then my phone rang. It was my mom. My grandfather had a stroke and was taken to the emergency room.

I ran out of the ballroom during the second speaker, to call her back. She said that she wasn't sure what was going on, as she was at an event with my stepfather out East, but that my aunt and LilSis went to the hospital. She told me to "go have fun," (as my mother is prone to do!), but I couldn't. I really didn't want to be at the party anymore. I found my sponsor and told her that I was leaving. Then I bid farewell to the men at my table and got out of there.

Waving my way through the rising smoke clouds emanating from the puffing party-goers outside the hotel doors, I called Brick. He said that he was in Chelsea and I told him to stay there-- that I would meet him where he was as soon as I could get a cab. Once I did, we agreed to head downtown for some singing to cheer me up. But first, of course, dessert!

Brick and I went to a small cafe in the West Village where we gorged on sugar and talked about life. Sitting outside the cafe, smoking on a bench, I was hit on by some gross, sleazy guy. Brick laughed at how I waved him off. Then we went to an ATM and another gross, sleazy guy hit on me. I guess it was the low cut dress.

We went into Marie's Crisis which was PACKED for the evening, and snagged two seats next to two young women with whom we ended up chatting the night away. The girls were very complimentary, telling me that I have beautiful skin and beautiful breasts. I told them about my secret bra. (Ha ha!). Brick insisted that I sing If I Loved You, which I did, to ravenous applause. It was cheering me up big-time. Then, who did we see walk in? Non other than SingMan! SingMan was there with RabbitNose and he kept looking at me while they sang. Rabbit even did a little "speech" solo in a number from A Chorus Line. I don't know what time it was when we left there and headed to Monster.

At Monster, the compliments were flooding in on me even more. Brick saw some guys that he knew from Georgetown. One of the "regulars" took it upon himself to tell me how much the Mon/Thurs/Fri pianist likes me and that he's a "good guy." For the amusement of everyone at the piano, Brick asked a gay whore if he would have sex with me. (For the record, the answer was "yes.") I chided him and laughed. It was that kind of a night.

At around 4:00 am, we went to the diner. We ate again. We weren't home and in bed until well after 5:00.

The next morning, Sunday, I woke up exhausted. Brick and I went for "brunch" at the diner (although it wasn't much of a "brunch"), and then went back to my place where he obsessed on gay.com while I tried to get some grading done. He has taken to calling me "Dolores Van Cartier." The afternoon culminated with the composition of the aforementioned Craigslist posting. Then, Brick went off to the Sunday night meeting while I stayed home and continued to plow through the papers that remained. After the meeting, Brick came back for an hour or so, so we could get a laugh at all of the responses. Then it was home for him and to bed for both of us.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:00 am to do the last of my grading. All I could think about was Narc and the fact that he hadn't called me back. I am sick about everything with him. I taught in the morning and was relieved to finally hand back exams. That afternoon, I was supposed to go to therapy, but my therapist called to cancel. I also got a message from VJ, saying that she wants to be friends. That was following a text exchange with her on Friday. I haven't written about all of that here, because I know she reads the blog, so I have nothing to say on that, except that it happened and that it's just another thing making me anxious lately.

Last night, I met Brick at a meditation meeting after trekking up Second Avenue in the rain. Afterwards, we went to a "watch" for my friend Lana, who is celebrating her one year anniversary today. We all "watched" her bring in her first year of sobriety. Brick came and so did Meema. I bought Lana a box of chocolates and a card. Brick's new sponsor sat with us while we ate. He's pretty cool.

Afterwards, Brick came back with me to my place. We ate some ice cream and talked for a while. I was feeling sick about Narc. So sick that I nearly threw up twice that day. I was overtired and needed sleep. So... sleep was had.

Today I woke up gave myself my first injection in the thigh. There was something sickly-pleasurable about it. Then I set off to meet B for his birthday lunch. After that, we sat at Verdi Square on 72nd street and listened to Baroque music and talked about God. Then I saw him off and came to teach. I was early and in my office when I did the deed-- I called Narc, unable to "white-knuckle" it any longer, and I hung up before it went to voice mail. He wrote me a text:

Just got your missed call. Lunching downtown, if you want to come by.

I called him back. We had that god-awful conversation, followed by his "please don't think I'm blowing you off" text.

"B is turning 30 today," I said.

"Awww... He'll be alright. I've been at it for six months now, and I'm fine."

"Yes, but it's just weird, because I met him right before he turned 20."

"Oh, that's right! You guys just had your ten year anniversary. I mean-- not anniversary, but friend thing."

"Yeah," I laughed at him.

HATE.

And then I went and taught about Martin Luther. And now I'm here blogging. And soon, I will be at another AA meeting.

And I still feel sick and I still want to be free. And I still don't know what I want more... Freedom or death, if death means relief and relief is him. And I don't know why I just said that because it's not how I really feel and it was an incredibly stupid thing to say... I just want another fix, that's all... Just one more, right? One more? One more try?

Ugh...

Gotta run now. Caffeine must be had.

h