To Sleep: Perchance to Dream

Thursday night was a dream, I'm sure. A dream, because nothing so beautiful could have really come from the dusty and cobwebbed reality that Narc and I now are.

He wrote to me at 11:27: come out.

And so, I did.

When I got to his place, he wasn't on the roof at all, but rather was in his apartment playing Okami. He answered the door naked... old school. (Ha ha...) And he kissed me. And pulled off my clothes. It was strange though... I felt a little awkward about it and moved over to the couch, pulling a pillow over my lap. He kissed me again, and then went back to his game.

"Give me a minute. I just have to get to the next 'safe point,'" he said. "Then I can come 'entertain' you. I promise...!"

"Don't worry about it, Narc... take your time. What are you playing anyway?"

"Okami. I think I must have spent 30 hours on this game already. But I need your help to get past a puzzle. There's a puzzle point and I need your help with it. We have to solve it together."

Then he returned his focus to the game. I was content to watch... a magical wolf god flying with light.

But I was happier to watch him. To just watch him. I am completely and hopelessly in love with him. I know I can't be with him for much longer. I know he is going to be taken from me. And so, I love him sadly now. I won't leave him. I will wait for "us" to die.

"I'm almost there... I'm almost there," he kept saying, turning to look at me... leaning over to kiss me.

"Okay."

I was happy to be patient.

At long last, Narc reached the "puzzle" point-- he had to get past some "Blockhead" character who shows five points on the screen before they disappear and the player has to click on the exact spots where the points were revealed.

"I was doing this for hours yesterday," Narc confessed, "but I couldn't move past it. I need your help."

(I don't care that he was talking about a video game. Hearing those words from his lips was music to my ears!)

"Are you ready? Are you ready?" he asked. His words were slurred. "You have to be very careful. Memorize the screen, okay?"

"Okay."

"One... Two... Three!"

We missed it.

We tried again.

We missed it again.

"I'll just go up to the screen and point," I volunteered.

"Okay," he agreed. "I'll get the first three. You get the last two. Got it?"

"Got it!"

"You get numbers four and five. All right? Do you understand?"

"Yes. I understand."

"Four and five!"

"Yes, Narc!"

"Okay..."

So, there I stood... naked in front of his enormous flat screen, staring at an animated block of cement talk about how he was the ruler "of this shadowy realm."

We failed at our first attempt.

"Let's do it again," he insisted.

This time, we succeeded!

I never saw his face light up as it did just then. It was pure childlike joy, and it was the most wonderful gift in the world. He opened his arms up to me, beaming, and waiting for me to return to him on the couch. I did... folding myself into him with a kiss. He clasped his arms around me so tightly.

"We did it! We did it!" he kept saying in between kisses.

I don't think I've ever been happier.

After the "Blockhead," he still hadn't reached a safepoint. He got to a room where he needed a bridge.

"How about that beam above you?" I suggested.

"Perfect!" he exclaimed, kissing me again.

The only problem was that once across the bridge, he kept missing a jump and each time he fell, he was set back nearly all the way to the point he was at when I had arrived.

"Are they really sending me back here?!?" he exclaimed. "This is fucking unbelievable! That is just SO RUDE! I can't believe how RUDE the makers of this game are!"

I started cracking up.

"Rude, Narc? I don't know if I'd call it 'rude'!"

He laughed at himself with me. At least he didn't have to pass the Blockhead-puzzle point again.

Finally, he could do it no more. He tossed the controller onto the coffee table.

"I give up! I give up! These fuckers have invented an impossible game. Fuck it. I'm gonna sell it back tomorrow. I'm done with this bullshit!"

He switched his system back onto television and reached for me. I was glad he was finally ready for me.

I don't know why, but something was different that night. Skin to skin, something felt perfect to me. Something felt right. There was no doubt... no conflict for me at all. He took me to bed.

"I love you, darling," he said.

I believe him now unequivocally. I have absolutely no doubt. It's strange how that comes in the end.

We must have had sex a dozen times between that night and the following morning. The whole night was punctuated by it, half asleep... in a dream... (And by the way... I think I've been watching WAY too much porn, because it was giving me all sorts of new ideas. With the kind of stuff I watch, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.)

We stayed in bed for a long time together in the morning.

"I like the new ceramic penguin," I said, staring up at the shelf.

"Yeah. That one actually is from Russia. The rest just have Russian names."

"What did you think of Moscow?" I asked, tentatively.

"I don't know... what did you think?"

"I was only there for a few days," I told him, "and I didn't particularly like it."

"Me neither. PopStar kept saying what a 'romantic' city it is. Not quite... unless you find blocks of concrete romantic!"

I didn't want to talk about her, so I let it alone.

Narc started to tell me that he had interviewed an actress for his screenplay the night before.

"She totally looks the part," he kept saying. "She looks like Angela. But, I wasn't getting that spark from her."

"You should have her read," I suggested.

"Yeah. Obviously... I will."

After a lot more sex, when we finally got out of bed, Narc suggested brunch. He ordered us crepes and I made a pot of coffee, but he was out of cream.

"I can run across the street and get you some," I volunteered.

"No, I'll go with you," he said, pulling on his jacket.

I was shocked. He never volunteers to go with me for stuff like that.

Back at his place, he flicked on the television.

"Did I ever save that game last night?" he asked.

"No, Narc! You said you were going to give up, remember? You just left it running and turned the screen back to television..."

"No way! So I didn't save it? We have to pass blockhead again? Shit! You can't go until we do that."

"I have to be out of here by 1:00 though," I told him. "I'm going to Long Island today."

"Not if I keep you captive!"

He started to play again. I just lay with my head on his lap, looking up at him while he played. Then I got up and cleaned up his living room while I was waiting for Mr. Blockhead to appear.

It took us a few tries to again blow the puzzle to pieces, but we did it. Narc kissed me warmly again. Then back to his bedroom for more sex. I was as happy as I know how to be.

But soon, it was the witching hour. I had to leave him. He was laying outstretched on the couch again at that point. I climbed on top of him and embraced him. He kissed me some more.

"I'll see you soon?" I smiled.

"Yes, definitely."

But, he suddenly seemed uneasy. I tried to ignore it as I left.

On the train on my way to Long Island, I took a picture of the trees outside my window. The world was rich with red and gold.

The leaves are turning. Get thee to Central Park! I wrote.

He didn't respond.

Much later that night, before bed, I wrote to him again: How was Borat? I asked.

He didn't respond.

The next day, back in the city, I called him and left a message asking if he had found my cell phone charger.

No charger here, he wrote back.

So cold... so cold.

Thanks. I'll check with my mom, I said. Everything okay with you?

He didn't answer.

Much later that night, I called him again. He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message.

By Sunday, I was sick with anxiety.

I love him, I love him, I love him. I need to vomit.

I sent him another text message.

At the marathon, I wrote.

He didn't respond.

By Sunday evening, I was about ready to vomit. Instead, I scrubbed my kitchen floor with a toothbrush and tried to sexualize the experience. Then, I called him and left him a message.

Hey Narc, it's me, I said. I'm just calling to say hi and see how you are. I haven't heard from you since Friday, and I don't know... I just sort of have a bad feeling... that something's wrong. So, I guess I'm just calling to see if you're okay... and to tell you that I'm thinking about you.

(Then I panicked that my message sounded too overbearing, so I changed tones.)

Anyway... I'm having a pretty good day... cleaned my house and now grading some exams! So, just give me a ring when you get a chance-- if not tonight, then tomorrow... whenever. I hope you're well and that your travel essay is coming along. Okay! :) Bye!

I don't know... I'm sick of walking on eggshells and losing. But all I know is that I love him. Hammer has convinced me of his "Mr. Big-ness." (See the following episodes if you don't believe me: The Domino Effect or Cock-a-doodle-do).

Anyway, there was a lot more to the weekend, but I'll come back and talk about all of that later. I have to go work on my grading for now...

love,

an anxious and lonely hyde