Thanksgiving Surprise

So... I don't even know where to start. I'm too exhausted to write, and yet, if I don't write everything will somehow slip away from me. I don't know... maybe that's for the best.

Well, in any case... here we go...

I hadn't heard from Narc at all last week or the week before, unless I complained that I could "take it no more" in which case, I got a mildly placating text in return. It was the same way last Wednesday-- the day I was stuck at home, sick in bed. I felt awful. And in my weakened condition, I called him and left him a voice mail.

"I don't expect to hear back from you... I don't even know why I'm calling," I sighed as I hung up the phone.

I didn't expect it would prompt a response, but it did. We talked for twenty minutes.

"You can pop by any time," he said.

"Oh, really?" I was dubious.

"Yeah, sure."

"So... maybe Friday? Or Saturday?"

"I was thinking more like tonight."

I was sick, sick, SICK, but I couldn't resist him. NDN knew it when he came up here and posted a quickie for me on the blog. We both knew it... I was still sucked in to all that.

I had baked a cake that afternoon for no other reason except that I had a major sugar craving. NDN and I had each had a piece. I decided to bring the rest to Narc...

So... I went.

It was a strange hang out... Kind of a lame hang out. The right energy wasn't there. We played with Narc's new Nintendo Wii and I beat him at the bowling game. I could tell he didn't like that. He told me that he's been hanging with the Exhibitionist again and that she's dating some creepy lawyer just to get him to pay for things like her $700 haircuts, but that she's trying to avoid fucking him for as long as she can. Narc told me the story with a measure of pride-- as if he were a dorky ninth grade boy befriended by a popular girl and wanted to show off about it.

"Narc-- do you realize how disgusting that sounds?" I asked. "What happened to treating people as an ends and not a means? That's a cardinal rule for me. I wouldn't be showing off about my shallowness if I were the Exhibitionist. It's unflattering. I have no respect for that."

I think my response to his story made him feel "awkward."

Anyway, we hung out until 1:00 am or so and then both chugged some NyQuil and headed to bed. At 3:30 in the morning, my phone rang. It was Brick. I crawled out of bed with Narc and headed into the living room, curling up on the couch. Brick was distressed. He had left for Virginia earlier that day to spend Thanksgiving with his sister and her fiancee, but he was having a hard time. His siblings were drinking openly as the "main activity," and his other sister's boyfriend smoked a joint in the car on the way down. We talked through it for a while and then I confessed that I was at Narc's. I wished I could do more for Brick, but had to accept that I couldn't. I'm grateful for his friendship, though. I probably got back to bed at around 4:30 am.

The next morning, I couldn't spend the day with Narc, as it was Thanksgiving. I kissed him goodbye and headed out to Queens where BigSis and Bro-in-Law live. They were planning on driving me to my mom's. It was a nice afternoon. I baked two pumpkin pies. Dinner was at Bro-in-Law's parents house. His niece and nephew, D&D were there and I had a lot of fun playing with the kids. I let them polish my nails and draw "tattoos" all over me with magic marker. Their mother couldn't believe I permitted it, but I enjoyed it. I liked watching them laugh. My cousins Jail and Jol were there too, with my aunt (my mom's sister). And then, of course, there was the usual crowd-- my parents, my sisters and the boys.

Later that night, I was thrilled to get a text from Narc: Thanksgiving at home, just ModelChick and myself. Polished off your cake. It was tres delicious!

Hyde: Yay! Glad I could contribute to your feast. My pumpkin pies were good too. I'm ready to crash now. Hope you're feeling ok. Lots to be thankful for this year. :)

Narc: Still feeling rotten, but NyQuil and sleep soon...

Hyde: Ok. Well, wishing you sweet dreams. I was glad to see you again... Be easy on yourself and enjoy the Zelda.

Narc: Playing Zelda now!

Hyde: Huzzah! Are you the warrior or the wolf?

Narc: Back to my human form. In an epic jousting match right now.

Hyde: Epic? That sounds intense... Good luck. :)

I had planned to stay at my mom's place that night. So there I was-- laying in bed, watching TV, exhausted from my day and filled with a slew of mixed emotions, when the phone rang. It was B. He called to tell me that he was engaged.

I don't really want to get into all of that-- all of the feelings that flooded me. To be honest-- after everything that's happened the past week, I don't have the strength to relive all of that again. But it was hard. I cried and cried and cried. And then I slept.

The next morning, I called my mom to come down and talk to me while I was still in bed. I think I needed a little extra support to get myself up to face the world. But, finally, I took a deep breath, dragged myself up and tried to re-center myself for the day. I had plans to spend the afternoon with my stepbrother, who since the accident has found a new joy in singing. It's clear that the part of his brain that relates to music functions much better than the part of his brain that works for language, and it's a way for him to express himself. My mom and I wanted to take him to my apartment where I could play piano and sing with him through the afternoon.

Before we got there, we stopped off at a music store and picked up some sheet music-- mostly stuff from the '50's and '60's-- stuff that my mom likes to sing with him. My parents have hired an attendant to help with him while he's at their place, and she came with us too.

On our way into the city, I texted Narc again: Gorgeous day today! :)

Narc: Yes, and I will be stuck inside, rescuing princess Zelda!

Hyde: How many hours are you in now?

Narc: About 20. Not even one third!

Hyde: Wow. You are one dedicated man. All for a princess with whom there's no romance! Have fun. I'm headed back to the city in a few hrs...

Narc: The quest is the romance!

Hyde: Very "male" of you to say!

Anyway, when we got to my place, I got to entertain my stepbrother. He is so sweet and I had a lot of fun singing with him. We all ordered in Chinese food. After that, I sang an aria or two for them and my mom was really impressed.

"You have a gift, sweetie, and you have to do something with it," she said.

That felt good.

They all headed out at around 5:00 and I didn't bother to make plans for the evening. I was too tired. I finally spoke to B, though, and after a few tears, I felt grateful for his friendship and his love.

"You are my family," he told me. "I will never, ever, abandon you. Don't be afraid of that just because I'm engaged. I will always be there."

I felt bad that I had to make it about myself and that I couldn't just be purely happy for him, but I really am doing my best. I told him that, and he said that he knows it.

Anyway, I cried a little more that night, just because the tears were in me. Then I went to bed.

The next day, I woke up and went to a "double winners," Alanon/AA meeting. After that, I met B for lunch. We ate at a Chinese place on 3rd avenue-- the same one we used to eat at walking back from school, my first year of the PhD program.

"Remember how excited and intense I was about my research paper, back then?" I asked him.

"Yeah. It used to make me stressed," he laughed, "because I had all those incompletes and a lot of anxiety about doing them."

"My, how the tables have turned!"

I ordered some steaming red bean buns-- the same as I used to eat when B and I lived together.
While we were eating, I saw that I had missed a call from Narc. I also had a text from him.

Heading to ER, he wrote.

I called him back right away. He told me that he had collapsed that morning and that he had called around but none of his friends were there. He didn't want to call an ambulance, but wanted to take a taxi to the ER. I told him that I was having lunch with B, but that I could come if it were an emergency.

"Well, I'm not sure if I have to go," he said. "I may just rest for a bit and then reassess."

"Okay, well keep me posted!" I made him promise. "I'm going to be worried. And of course, if you have to go, I'll come down."

After that, B and I headed back to my place for some afternoon music. He just started taking voice lessons with a new teacher, and while he has always sung baritone, this new teacher thinks he may be a tenor! He was excited about it, so we sang through some music and even foolishly braved the Love Duet from Otello.

All the while, though, I was worried about Narc. I tried calling him a few times, but he didn't answer. I figured that he was playing games with me again. I was getting really anxious, though, and couldn't help myself from obsessing.

"Why don't you just put off thinking about it until 5:00 pm?" B suggested. "Then you can call him again. But you can't let yourself be tortured like this every minute!"

I agreed.

B left my place at around 5:00 and luckily, I heard back from Narc just after that. Thus began the beginning of one of the strangest nights of my life. But, I'm off to an AA meeting now, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for the rest of the story...

hope you are all well.

love,
h

Crying

I feel so out of control sometimes. I am a physical and chemical mess. I've had a hard week, but it's not that. It's something else I can't understand. I started the day out okay, but ended up on another crying jag this afternoon. I am feeling suicidal again. I can't go through this every month. I called my mom, hardly able to breathe. I feel like I can't get through to the next moment. I don't know how I taught today. I cried in my office until two minutes before class. I just kept praying for God to give me the strength to be of service to my students. Somehow I did it. Now, I've just finished the class and I have a dull, pressing headache accompanied by extreme exhaustion. I just want to go home and get under the covers, but I'm going to try to press on to my meeting tonight first. I wish I could have some Jack Daniels, but I know that it would only be a temporary fix and I'd be left feeling worse. I just don't know why I feel this way, though. I know that it's physical. It feels physical. And I feel so very, very out of control.

I hate it.

Still working on that other post...

h

Glitter and Doom

There's a new exhibit at the Met called Glitter and Doom. If I were ever going to name an exhibit after myself, that would be it! That would be it exactly. In fact, I can't think of a more perfect description for myself!

I'm going to check it out with Anxious on Saturday. It's all Weimar portraiture-- the works of Dix, Grosz, etc. I absolutely love that stuff. (I got semi-obsessed with it two years ago after reading a book about Lustmord paintings, followed by Grosz's autobiography).

Anyway... Weimar decadence aside, I have so much that I want to write and so much that I need to say, but I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off on absolutely no sleep. I'm going to get up early tomorrow to try to draft a post. I don't know if it seems to you all that I haven't been writing as much, but I feel it in my bones... I miss blogging.

Narc is still in the hospital and will probably be there through Sunday. The blood clots were described as forming a "forest" of clots in his lungs. Fucking scary. He's lucky to be alive, but I don't think he sees it that way... I have been through such a roller coaster of emotions with all of this-- all of which I am itching to write about. The bottom line-- I am starting to see things more clearly... even if I don't like what I see.

In any case, as I'm bone tired, I'm heading off to bed. I just wanted to check in for a quick "hello."

love,
h

Update

Narc is stable and is going to be okay. He has to stay in the hospital for a week though, on heavy doses of heparin to thin out his blood. He avoided the heart surgery, thank God. This whole thing has been crazy... an absolute drain. And I have so much to write about, but no time right now, as I've been spending my spare moments in the hospital.

Things are changing so fast for me, it's incredible. But I'm making it through and I'm still sober and that's pretty fucking amazing.

I'm feeling very grateful.

-h-

Dying...!

This time he really is dying.

It's 3:12 am and I just got home. I took Narc to the ER and just left him in the hospital. I went to his apartment and got all of his things. I'm going back to the hospital in the morning.

He has blood clots in his right ventricle blocking the air to his lungs. He may need heart surgery. He's on blood thinners for the moment until they re-test him in the morning.

I can't fucking believe this.

Of course, I'll be back with details, but maybe not for a while...

Pray for him... please.

-h-

Engaged

B called me last night after midnight with some news-- He and Drippy got engaged. That means that since I've gotten sober, first Hammer got engaged, then Narc and now B.

-h-

NDN's Post

This is NDN filling in for Hyde. She's breathing over my shoulder, infecting me with God knows what... Anyway. An update is needed for her blog, for as you see just as I walked in to bring her laundry she was on the phone with......who could it be.......you've probably already guessed that we are referring to the Narcissist. She hadn't spoken to him in many days, but decided to call him this afternoon.

Now this is Hyde typing because NDN was getting tired of typing, but NDN is still dictating. Narc called her back just before I walked in the door and told her that he's "Dying" of course and that he hasn't left the house in weeks, BUT that he's managed to see many different feature films with many different people.

Hyde asked if she was ever going to see him again and he said

"You're always welcome to come here. You know that!"

So, Hyde said "Maybe I'll come down Friday or Saturday night!"

Narc vascillated. "I was thinking more like tonight..."

Even though he can't walk two feet he wants a booty call. (This is Hyde for a sec-- those are NDN"s words, not mine!!! Okay... back to NDN).

Meanwhile, Hyde is dying too. She couldn't even leave her apartment to get her own laundry. But silly, silly Hyde. She's gonna schlepp to Tribeca... The saga will continue. But I want Hyde to prove me wrong and tell Narc that if he wants sex, he can get his ass up here.

Narc just texted:
If it's not too out of the way, would you be able to grab some Nyquil on the way down?

I would love it if Hyde wrote back exactly: You know, I'm sick too. What have you done for me lately? Wouldn't it be nice if you brought ME some Nyquil?

Hope this wasn't too awkward for you guys...

*hugs!*

NDN

Madness

Well, I was feeling fine for the past two days, but here I am, a train wreck, yet again. I'm sick... I have an awful cough and a slight fever. I really don't feel like schlepping out to Long Island tomorrow or dealing with city traffic or the parade crowds... especially as the forecast says cold rain!

And I'm sad about Narc. He continues to ignore me and I have to accept it. Even though my heart is breaking... broken... I'm also mad at him here and there... in the brief flashes of clarity and sanity given to me. Let's hope they become more frequent and longer lasting. More than anything, the conflict within me is sickening me. When my mind wanders to his face and his hands, I feel like I need to vomit.

I stayed in bed all day today, only venturing out for a few minutes to the deli across the street. I ate a banana. I baked a yellow cake with chocolate icing. Then I only ate one small piece. I also gave one to NDN.

It's cold out this week. I like it. Just two days ago, I was feeling grateful that my favorite season is descending upon us. I love Christmas lights and I love the smell and feel of cold air. I simply love November-January. I always find myself in those months.

But today I am morose and slightly despondent. Today I am a bottomless well of self-pity and helplessness. (Hmm... Don't I love being melodramatic!).

I feel a little delirious right now. I better not say another word, lest you all think I've gone mad.

love,
h

PS: Tomorrow, if my health allows it, I am going to bake a pumpkin pie.

Stilled Waters

I'm in a very strange mood today. It started when I woke up this morning. I felt like it might be over... all of this might be over. I might be done with Narc. I don't want to say more than that, because I know I've said it before and it hasn't been true. And I don't want to overthink this feeling and scare myself back into my "tunnel-vision" for him, but if I'm writing about today, it had to be said. That's where I'm at.

Anyway, on to the rest of the weekend! I think I left you off when Brick and I were about to head to NV's party with our new AA friend (Well-- he's more Brick's friend than mine). I'm going to call him "Pilman." Anyway, they came up to my apartment and before we left, I sang Vissi d'arte for them and Pilman cried! Then we headed outside and walked the five blocks to NV's place. It was a pretty fun party, although NV did mention the ginger-infused vodka when we arrived. All three of us split up and had a pretty easy time chatting with people. There was a girl I met who is a jazz singer. She got a little drunk, though, and became pretty annoying, asking everyone advice about whether or not she should ditch her artist boyfriend for some rich guy who wants to take her to Paris. (Brick said "yes!" and I said "no!"). At one point, Brick put his arms around me (which I'm totally comfortable with) and after that, Pilman, following his lead, started being more "touchy-feely" with me, which I really didn't like. I'm not yet practiced enough at saying so, though. So, instead, I just got silently annoyed.

We left the party at around 1:30 and stopped off for some ice cream before heading back to my place. NDN had texted to see if I were awake, so I invited him upstairs. All four of us chatted for a while and NDN put on some really strange HBO porn series that featured a 500 lb woman covered in cookie dough having sex. By 2:00 am, Brick wanted to go to bed, so NDN went home, I blew up the air mattress for Pilman so he could join us in the bedroom and we all drifted off to sleep.

On Sunday morning, I woke up bright and early. Brick was up and getting ready to head out for a brunch date with a guy he met while "speed-dating" the night before. Pilman left with him and I got ready for my own brunch with Bezoukhoff. We had a really lovely afternoon. After our meal, he came back to my apartment and helped me do some research on the Belarusian village that my mom's family came from. I have already gathered as much as possible, given the language barrier, but Bezoukhoff found some interesting information and translated the websites for me. By 2:30, it was time to head uptown for B's concert.

Just as we were settling down into our seats in a gorgeous, warm, Presbyterian church that smelled of pine, Bezoukhoff realized that he had lost his cell phone in the cab. He wasn't upset for long, though. The concert was truly beautiful. I loved the sturm und drang of some of the Haydn and the soprano soloist in the first half was a real surprise. She was amazing. I am thinking about giving her a call and asking to sing for her.

I wasn't even aware that Drippy was there in the audience, but after the concert, when B came up to give me a huge hug, he immediately alerted me to her presence. The four of us went out for coffee and I have to say-- Drippy was friendlier than she has ever been!

After that, B and Drippy headed home while Bezoukhoff and I came back to my place. Bezoukhoff called his sister to let his family know about the missing phone and as luck would have it, his sister reported that the phone had been found! Bezoukhoff called the good Samaritan who picked it up from the cab and headed out to get his phone back. Then he came back to my house, we ate Chinese, watched some Jon Stewart and Colbert and I sent him off as I went to bed.

That's pretty much all the excitement I have to report. Yesterday was a decent day. At 5:30 am, the phone rang. I heard it in my sleep, even though it was my land line and was only ringing in my living room.

It's probably Narc, I thought. And whoever it is will try my cell next.

But, my cell phone never rang. So, later that morning, when I got out of bed, I checked the machine. It was my grandma calling from Jerusalem! She sounded so sad. I called her back right away, even though it's always a painful phone call for me. She is getting old. If we don't go back for another visit soon, I fear that I'll never see her again.

The rest of the day was fine. I taught, and that's about it...

Today I went to the doctor. I gained five pounds in spite of the lizard spit. The doctor couldn't believe it. I guess my body is freakishly out of wack. I do have good news, though-- my liver is officially back to normal! Would you believe it? All it took was six months of sobriety to get those numbers back where they need to be! I am very happy that there's no long-term damage.

Now I'm here in my office with a little bit of time before I have to teach. I think I'm going to try to get some more work done on my fourth step.

I have a lot more I want/need to say about Narc, but I don't want to do that to myself right now. So... I'll write it later.

If I'm not back before then-- Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

h

Shift

Today it's cold outside. I love it. It's crispy and my cheeks and nose are pink. I feel muted, white and grey, but in a beautiful, Romantic way.

This was a busy weekend for me, and one that was filled with music and movies! On Friday I saw the James Bond movie with B. You all already know what I thought of that one! ;)

Later that night, I headed to a women's meeting-- a new one that I hadn't been to. A girl in my home group chairs the meeting and had invited me. I have to say-- I was surprised at how uncomfortable I was in a roomful of women. I hate to say it, but I really don't like women very much, except for the few that I'm close to. More self-hatred, I guess, but I definitely have a misogynist streak in me. Anyway, I don't feel expanding on that right now, but it gave me a lot of food for thought.

After that, I met up with NDN for a little Congee Village followed by a viewing of Volver, which I loved. I had a great time. NDN and I were up to our usual antics! We ate strudel at Yonah Schimmel's and NDN made chit chat in Russian with the little old ladies.

On our way home, we stopped over at Cheers because Double-T texted me that he would be there. Can you believe that that guy is still around and pursuing me?!?! He's so persistent. Anyway, when I got there, PumpedUp spotted me and made a big show, throwing his arms up in the air and exclaiming "It's Hyde! Hyde's here! It's Hyde!" He and FightingMensch were both a little drunk and gave me big hugs and PumpedUp kissed me on the cheek.

FightingMensch wanted to buy me a drink.

"No shots of Jager tonight, Hyde?" PumpedUp laughed.

"Nope... I'm six months sober now," I smiled. "Just a diet coke, please."

'No way! Wow! You should have seen this girl drink!" PumpedUp said, turning to the interchangeable girl on FightingMensch's arm. "You should have seen her go at the Jack Daniels. I mean... I've seen people drink, but never like Hyde!"

It made me feel weird. I was torn between being proud and feeling awful for feeling proud and feeling guilty for even being in a bar and putting myself into that situation, and sad that I can't drink like that anymore. I remember that feeling-- drinking the boys under the table. I miss it. It made me feel strong. But I don't want to go there...

Anyway, I couldn't believe the affection pouring out of PumpedUp. He pinched my cheek. It made me laugh. It made me sad.

After a while, TT came over and found me and so NDN and I went over and found seats with him. We hung out there for a while, as NDN was waiting to blow us away with his rendition of Eminem. And later on, Brick called me, just out of a date with some oil tycoon (Brick and his men!) and so I told him to come meet us at Cheers. He showed up, but didn't feel comfortable staying, so I gave him the key to my apartment.

TT was also pouring out the affection. He kept putting his arm around me. I could tell that he was a little beyond tipsy. He kept telling me how glad he is to know me and how much he likes me.

"I don't want to sound strange or inappreciative," I began, "but I don't get why you like me so much... I mean... I've only acted completely crazy around you!"

"You're good people," he said. "And at the risk of sounding cliche, you're a remarkable woman. I don't come across too many of those!"

I'll take it, I guess.

At around 2:00, it was time to head home. NDN's song never got called, but I was tired. When I got back to my place, Brick was up waiting. We stayed up gossiping for a while, before finally crashing to bed at around 4:00.

The next morning, Brick took off relatively early to go to a meeting with a new friend from our homegroup (I need a name for him!). I hung around the house until it was time to go to my own meeting-- a "Double Winners" meeting that I first tried out a few weeks ago. After that, I headed over to the West Side to meet my mom at the opera. We had tickets for La Boheme.

It was an absolutely beautiful production with Rolando Villazon as Rodolfo and Angela Marambio as Mimi. She's making her Met debut this year and I really liked her voice. Her mi chiamano Mimi inspired me to want to come home and sing all night long!

After the opera, my mom drove me back to my neighborhood where we ate Chinese for dinner and talked about men in general (a thinly veiled discussion about Narc in particular). She gave me a great metaphor (something about being a guppy in a pond) but I don't have the energy to explain it right now.

My friend NV (who I haven't mentioned on here in FOREVER!) was having a party later that night and I asked Brick to come. Brick, however, was still hanging out with his new AA friend and the two of them had signed up for some sort of gay-speed-dating. They ended up not showing up to my place until 10:30, and I was really annoyed because Brick had originally agreed to meet me at 9:00. In any case, I cleaned my house up while I waited, and worked on a crossword puzzle.

Anyway, for the rest of the weekend, I'll have to come back and post more later. Right now, I've got to run to therapy and then to a meeting tonight.

On the Narc front, not much is new except that I feel myself breaking and I know that I will never be sober until I surrender. I was talking to Brick about this last night and he said it best-- even if I can stay "dry," I'll never be "sober." Anyway, as yesterday was our "anniversary," I thought I would die if I didn't hear from him. So, I sent him a text in the morning asking him to call me. He did. But when the phone rang, I got too scared pick up because I didn't know what to say. After that, some banal texting ensued.

And... that's it.

Hope you're all well!

love,
hyde

Anniversary

One year ago today, I had a most perfect night with Narc.

Two years ago today is the day that I told him that I love him.
(It's also the night that Hammer and I had our infamous Puny-boy night!)

He called me this morning and left a message.

I am seeing Bezoukhoff for lunch this afternoon. Then we're going to B's concert. He's singing Haydn's Lord Nelson Mass.

There are knots in my stomach today.

I wish...

trying to let go...

-h-

Hot.

Lizard Spit

Today is day three on my new medication. Can you believe it? I'm injecting myself with lizard spit!

The first day was kind of rough. I felt really nauseated with an upset stomach for the entire second half of the day. My AA meeting was holding elections that night, but I wanted to leave before the voting, as I needed to take a second injection and I was feeling a little woozy. My sponsor told me to stay, but I left anyway, explaining it to her after. I have to say-- it felt really good to do what I knew was the right thing for me and to stand up for myself. It's cool that I could practice that with my sponsor. Now if only I can flex that muscle enough to act that way with Narc!

Day two on my meds was easier on my stomach, but I ended up taking a long nap in the afternoon. I don't know why I was so fatigued, but I made it through the day without eating any egregious sugars...

Today I woke up bright and early, but ended up falling asleep again and napping on and off until around 2:00 pm. I forced myself up, at that point, as I had to teach, but I'm still feeling kind of crappy-- a little dizzy, sweaty, flushed and with hot flashes. I hope that if this is all from the medicine, that it will pass in another day or two. My sugar cravings are disappearing, which is kind of miraculous, but I'm still nervous about injecting myself with toxic lizard spit. I have so much on my plate right now, that it's hard to keep on top of any one thing. I'm just trying to pay close attention to how I feel and take it one day at a time.

Anyway... what else is going on? For one thing-- the texting continues. I couldn't believe Narc's text to me on Tuesday. In case, you forgot, I'll write it here again.

Hyde please don't think I'm blowing you off. This is how I get when I'm writing. Will be here for a bit, if you feel like company, come by after your teaching.

After that, I went to AA but couldn't resist writing back. I wrote:

It does feel like that... And things are sensitive right now. Just got out of class and going to AA. But call me later, okay?

He didn't call me later, but he did send me a text. When I read it, Brick was over at my house.

Just out of "Fast Food Nation." Most disturbing...

I put off writing back for a few hours, but couldn't make it through the night.

No more McDonald's for you then...huh? I said.

He responded right away: But the burgers are so tasty...! (sigh)

Yesterday morning, I wrote to him again: Good luck with the essay (if you finished it!)

I didn't hear from him until around 9:30 last night: "Oh Mr. Darcy..." "Miss Bennett..." "Mr. Darcy..." Damn this movie won't go away!

Brick slept over again last night, and I promised him I wouldn't write back to Narc. So, again, I held off until morning, when I wrote:

You know I prefer Heathcliff to Darcy. And today is a perfect day to go racing across the moors...

That's it in the Narc department. Pretty dumb. When the hell will I be able to let go? To surrender?

It's strange... I have been thinking about all of this a lot (because I always am!) but also because of the CL ad I posted. I didn't answer a single response, although I was flooded with many that had potential, even for this skeptic. I didn't answer because I didn't want to. And I usually say that I'm "not interested" because I'm in love with Narc. I am in love with Narc. Of that, I have no doubt. But I don't think that's the reason for my faithfulness to him. I think I'm afraid of being promiscuous again. I'm "all or nothing" in everything I do. We're coming up on the two year anniversary of when I told Narc that I'm in love with him and that I would forsake all others for him. Did I really love him back then? I don't know. But I desperately wanted to stop fucking around the way I was. I wish I were better at being "in between."

Anyway, I should get going. I have another meeting to get to. I'm glad that Brick is coming to my home group these days. I get to see a lot more of him. It was so cute the way he came over last night, still in his work clothes and tie, toting some Chinese food.

Talk to you all later...
-h-

One More Try?

Happy Birthday, B!!!

B is turning 30 today. I don't know why that makes me feel anxious, but it does. I've known him for all of his 20's. I am always so afraid of time and of change and of "moving on."

Anyway, it's been a rough week for me, emotionally. On Friday, my mom and sisters came into the city to celebrate my six months. My mom came earlier, though, to take me to the doctor. My depression and my blood sugar problems have been spiraling out of control, and I needed to do something to get a handle on it. I went back to my endocrinologist with a list of questions in hand and got a few new answers. He prescribed me a new medication (used to treat diabetes, although I don't have diabetes yet) and it has to be taken by injection. That creeped me out a little, until I realized that a girl who has no qualms about cutting herself with half-rusted razor blades shouldn't be so squeamish about sticking a tiny needle in her thigh twice a day. I'm still not satisfied that this medication will be "the answer," but at least it's a starting point. I can't really explain it any more than that without going into boring medical details, so I'll leave it at that for now.

Afterwards, my mom and I went to the bookstore to shop around while we waited for LilSis' train to arrive from Long Island. My mom bought me a hysterical book called AdDICKted-- 12 Steps to Kicking Your Bad Boy Habit . I also got The Nazi Conscience-- the new(-ish) Claudia Koonz book.

At around 5:00, we met both my sisters at Penn Station and headed to the Upper West Side to synagogue. I got to choose our events from the evening, and that's what I decided to do! As luck would have it, Hammer's parents were in town visiting and she was also at the same service. At long last! Hyde and Hammer's mothers got to meet! It was a very strange coincidence, given that neither of them is ever at Friday night services in NY...

After dinner, I took my family to La Caridad for some fabulous fried food. Then it was home and to bed-- the first night of the week that Brick didn't spend the night. Even so, he awoke me with a 2:00 am phone call. I thought it was going to be Narc, but it wasn't...

That was the night that I slept fitfully-- the night that I sent Narc that half crazed email telling him that I would no longer call him nor wait for the phone to ring. (I'm still waiting...). The next morning, it was a bleak day. The sky dripped with gray and sadness and I only wanted to listen to Baroque music. I had a pile of midterms to grade on the top of my list, but I didn't want to do any of it. Instead, I decided that I needed to buy a new hair iron. So, I went out into the cold, bought a coffee and some cigarettes and walked 15 blocks to spend $120 that I don't really have. I don't care, though... I got a good one and it works a lot faster and with a lot less damage than the old one. While I was at Bed, Bath & Beyond, Brick called me. He asked if I wanted to meet up, and he said that he'd meet me there.

After he showed up, we walked back to my place, picked up some pizza and bummed around my apartment for the rest of the afternoon. That evening, he had plans to go to a meeting with a friend he met in my home group and I had plans to head out to the Bill W. Dinner Dance-- a New York Intergroup fundraiser. I got all dolled up in a super-low cut black dress with a super padded bra for extra effect. I slipped into some heels (a rare effort for this girl!) and I was off!

The event was held at the NY Hilton with nearly 2,000 people in attendance! I didn't see anyone I knew at first, but then bumped into a guy I "greet" with on Tuesday nights and it turns out we were seated at the same table. I ended up having some interesting conversation with two of the men at my table. I was feeling anxious, though, and couldn't quite adjust to being there. I don't know why, but I just felt shitty about myself and really quite uncomfortable. Then my phone rang. It was my mom. My grandfather had a stroke and was taken to the emergency room.

I ran out of the ballroom during the second speaker, to call her back. She said that she wasn't sure what was going on, as she was at an event with my stepfather out East, but that my aunt and LilSis went to the hospital. She told me to "go have fun," (as my mother is prone to do!), but I couldn't. I really didn't want to be at the party anymore. I found my sponsor and told her that I was leaving. Then I bid farewell to the men at my table and got out of there.

Waving my way through the rising smoke clouds emanating from the puffing party-goers outside the hotel doors, I called Brick. He said that he was in Chelsea and I told him to stay there-- that I would meet him where he was as soon as I could get a cab. Once I did, we agreed to head downtown for some singing to cheer me up. But first, of course, dessert!

Brick and I went to a small cafe in the West Village where we gorged on sugar and talked about life. Sitting outside the cafe, smoking on a bench, I was hit on by some gross, sleazy guy. Brick laughed at how I waved him off. Then we went to an ATM and another gross, sleazy guy hit on me. I guess it was the low cut dress.

We went into Marie's Crisis which was PACKED for the evening, and snagged two seats next to two young women with whom we ended up chatting the night away. The girls were very complimentary, telling me that I have beautiful skin and beautiful breasts. I told them about my secret bra. (Ha ha!). Brick insisted that I sing If I Loved You, which I did, to ravenous applause. It was cheering me up big-time. Then, who did we see walk in? Non other than SingMan! SingMan was there with RabbitNose and he kept looking at me while they sang. Rabbit even did a little "speech" solo in a number from A Chorus Line. I don't know what time it was when we left there and headed to Monster.

At Monster, the compliments were flooding in on me even more. Brick saw some guys that he knew from Georgetown. One of the "regulars" took it upon himself to tell me how much the Mon/Thurs/Fri pianist likes me and that he's a "good guy." For the amusement of everyone at the piano, Brick asked a gay whore if he would have sex with me. (For the record, the answer was "yes.") I chided him and laughed. It was that kind of a night.

At around 4:00 am, we went to the diner. We ate again. We weren't home and in bed until well after 5:00.

The next morning, Sunday, I woke up exhausted. Brick and I went for "brunch" at the diner (although it wasn't much of a "brunch"), and then went back to my place where he obsessed on gay.com while I tried to get some grading done. He has taken to calling me "Dolores Van Cartier." The afternoon culminated with the composition of the aforementioned Craigslist posting. Then, Brick went off to the Sunday night meeting while I stayed home and continued to plow through the papers that remained. After the meeting, Brick came back for an hour or so, so we could get a laugh at all of the responses. Then it was home for him and to bed for both of us.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:00 am to do the last of my grading. All I could think about was Narc and the fact that he hadn't called me back. I am sick about everything with him. I taught in the morning and was relieved to finally hand back exams. That afternoon, I was supposed to go to therapy, but my therapist called to cancel. I also got a message from VJ, saying that she wants to be friends. That was following a text exchange with her on Friday. I haven't written about all of that here, because I know she reads the blog, so I have nothing to say on that, except that it happened and that it's just another thing making me anxious lately.

Last night, I met Brick at a meditation meeting after trekking up Second Avenue in the rain. Afterwards, we went to a "watch" for my friend Lana, who is celebrating her one year anniversary today. We all "watched" her bring in her first year of sobriety. Brick came and so did Meema. I bought Lana a box of chocolates and a card. Brick's new sponsor sat with us while we ate. He's pretty cool.

Afterwards, Brick came back with me to my place. We ate some ice cream and talked for a while. I was feeling sick about Narc. So sick that I nearly threw up twice that day. I was overtired and needed sleep. So... sleep was had.

Today I woke up gave myself my first injection in the thigh. There was something sickly-pleasurable about it. Then I set off to meet B for his birthday lunch. After that, we sat at Verdi Square on 72nd street and listened to Baroque music and talked about God. Then I saw him off and came to teach. I was early and in my office when I did the deed-- I called Narc, unable to "white-knuckle" it any longer, and I hung up before it went to voice mail. He wrote me a text:

Just got your missed call. Lunching downtown, if you want to come by.

I called him back. We had that god-awful conversation, followed by his "please don't think I'm blowing you off" text.

"B is turning 30 today," I said.

"Awww... He'll be alright. I've been at it for six months now, and I'm fine."

"Yes, but it's just weird, because I met him right before he turned 20."

"Oh, that's right! You guys just had your ten year anniversary. I mean-- not anniversary, but friend thing."

"Yeah," I laughed at him.

HATE.

And then I went and taught about Martin Luther. And now I'm here blogging. And soon, I will be at another AA meeting.

And I still feel sick and I still want to be free. And I still don't know what I want more... Freedom or death, if death means relief and relief is him. And I don't know why I just said that because it's not how I really feel and it was an incredibly stupid thing to say... I just want another fix, that's all... Just one more, right? One more? One more try?

Ugh...

Gotta run now. Caffeine must be had.

h

A Fix Makes me Nauseous

I am on the phone with Narc right now. He is talking about picture frames. He just said "I'm being indecisive for once." He is telling me that he went to see Borat with the Exhibitionist. He says that he went to see Guns and Roses with ModelChick.

"Why did you disappear?" I ask.

"Um... I've been writing," he says. "I've been working."

"On what?"

"My travel essay! I'm presenting tomorrow."

"Are you?"

"Yeah... but I'm gonna flake out. I don't think I'll finish in time."

"Right."

"I haven't left the house in weeks," he says. "This little trip to the Blaue Gans is my first time out... except last night. I went out last night for my Screenwriter's group and then met up with CouchSleeper."

I hate myself...

I tell him that I have to give myself injections now.

"Are you diabetic?"

"No."

I try to explain.

"What did the doctor say about you?" I ask.

"That I checked out. They don't know. Fuck Western medicine. They gave me two types of inhalers. When they don't know what to say, they say it's a virus."

"Oh."

"Did you see Copying Beethoven?" he asks.

"No. Do you recommend it?"

"Yes."

"Okay," I say.

"So, um yeah... I should get back to my food," he is telling me. "It's getting cold. Don't you have to teach now?" he asks. "I'm gonna be keeping my head down for the next few days."

"What does that mean?" I ask glumly. My voice is flat and I don't bother to disguise it.

He clearly feels awkward at my tone.

"It's not just you, hon," he stammers. I hate when he goes into "hon"-mode. "I'm ignoring everyone right now," he just said.

"Yeah... okay."

"No, really!" he insists. "And I'll give you a call whenever..."

"You do that."

I am speaking in monotone now.

"Okay," he laughs awkwardly.

"Yeah... enjoy your meal," I say bitterly.

"Okay, hon."

"Yeah. Bye."

PS:

Just after I posted this, and a few mintues after we hung up, I received the following text from Narc:

Hyde please don't think I'm blowing you off. This is how I get when I'm writing. Will be here for a bit, if you feel like company, come by after your teaching.

I feel sick.

-h-

She saw him in his present misery,
Whom, spight of all her wrongs, she griev'd to see.
She answer'd sadly to the lover's moan,
Sigh'd back his sighs, and groan'd to ev'ry groan:
"Ah youth! belov'd in vain," Narcissus cries;
"Ah youth! belov'd in vain," the nymph replies.
"Farewel," says he; the parting sound scarce fell
From his faint lips, but she reply'd, "farewel."
Then on th' wholsome earth he gasping lyes,
'Till death shuts up those self-admiring eyes.
To the cold shades his flitting ghost retires,
And in the Stygian waves it self admires.

Sunrise

Okay... Now that the sun is rising, and I've awoken to an inbox chock full of inquiring men who want to "dominate me," I have to ask myself... what was I thinking??? This doesn't sit right with me. And all of the attention doesn't make me feel better about me and Narc. He's the only one that I want.

Anyway, I woke up extra early to finish up with my grading, so that's it for now. The lights on the Chrysler building stayed on all night last night, so I guess the birds are finished migrating.

later...

h

"Seeking Assertive Man"

Narc, Narc, Narc... As soon as he read my email, he tried to call me. The only problem? My voice mail was full. So, he sent me a text:

Called you but your voice mail is full. Active week, though lungs still in poor shape. Call later.

It hurts in an unbearable way, but it's just not good enough. I can't live like this anymore... the pain... the nausea. Maybe I really am almost ready to admit my "powerlessness" over Narc.

I didn't write back. Since I sent the email marked, I saw that he has since read it five times! No contact, though.

Anyway, today, I was feeling heartbroken, so Brick suggested that I "move on." He is the king of meeting people online, and spent half the afternoon on gay.com today. He wanted to write me a CraigsList ad. So, he wrote this ad and posted it in for me. (He said that he knows that Mystic will think he's a bad influence on me... ha ha.) Well, I was really skeptical about the whole thing, and looked at it half as a joke, but it got a million responses so far. I haven't decided if I'm going to respond to any of them. Online dating is not really my thing. It's interesting, but makes me really uncomfortable.

Here's the ad (a la Brick!)...

Intelligent, voluptuous, sexy submissive gal seeking assertive man - 27 (Midtown East)

This is my first time posting on craigslist...so, here goes!

I am a sensual and attractive voluptuous girl that is seeking a strong assertive and intelligent man. I enjoy being the submissive counterpart in the relationship and being with a man that is strong and dominant both inside and sometimes outside of the bedroom. I find it fulfilling to be giving and caring -- satisfying my man physically and emotionally. I am currently working on my PhD and working as an adjunct prof.. I earned my BA in History and Music at an Ivy League university. So, I am looking for someone that is not only the dominant man but also well educated and politically minded.

I am not sure what else to say-- except that I am a nice, sweet, and attractive girl that just happens to like strong and in charge men. I am not, however, looking for just sex. I am looking to develop a long term relationship with a man that truly likes to take control in the relationship.

Well, that's it... Maybe there's a reason they tell AA's to stay out of a relationship in the first year!

;)

h

Poor Impulse Control

I couldn't sleep last night. But, half asleep and in a moment of impulsivity, I crawled out of bed and wrote Narc the following email. Do I regret it? Sort of... But I'm trying to be strong...

Narc,

I hope you're feeling okay! I know you've been sick, but it's really frustrating that you haven't returned my calls in over a week. I'm gonna stop calling. I need to stop caring. I guess I just don't "get it," but I'm trying to be friends. This hurts. I can't be the only one who's trying. I hope that everything went okay with the doctors. I'm having my own health drama this week... But you won't call me back, so you wouldn't know.

Anyway, I love you. But I've decided that it's time for me to stop waiting for the phone to ring. Please take care and be well. I'll be thinking of you always... until I won't have to anymore.

lots of love,
hyde

Six-Month Stretch

It's been a busy week. The end of last week was difficult and I was overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts. It was bad. I called my mom crying that "something had to change." I think that part of this has to do with my long overdue un-addressed blood sugar issue, but the rest of it is hormonal, as it keeps happening to me for the same two days out of the month. I need to figure out a way to fix it because I can't live like that.

Last Weekend:

In any case, over the weekend I went to my parents house and on Friday night I spent a lot of time with my stepbrother. It was really fulfilling for me. Normally, it just depresses me, but this time I had a lot of fun. He loves music and it is incredibly evident that music works a different part of his brain than language because he has an amazing musical memory even though he has very few words.

Before I got there, though, I met my mom at her office. I hung out with her for a while and then we made a pit-stop at the Bridal Salon where LilSis ordered her gown. There was a dress she had picked out for me as her maid of honor (BigSis and I are sharing the honor!). I tried the dress on (the best I could, given the tiny sample size) and decided to get it! It's gorgeous. (I'm ordering it in a dark red. You can check it out here.) I also got to see LilSis' dress, which I loved.

When we got back to the house, my grandpa came over with Chinese food in tow. We all watched Jeopardy while we ate. I used to watch that show all the time with my mom when I was in high school. I was a real wiz at it then. I have to say--I've since grown a little rusty. After dinner, I sat down with my stepbrother to play some piano while he sang. He had a blast!!! It was awesome. He was laughing, and singing away and shaking some maracas that my mom found, while I hammered out some oldies like "Stand By Me" and "Great Balls of Fire." LilSis came over and sang with us too. At one point, I played "One" from A Chorus Line and LilSis did a really funny dance with my stepbrother's walker. Even my stepfather joined in on the fun, with my mom taking pictures. It was nice. I just enjoyed being around my family.

Later that night, after my stepfather put my stepbrother to bed, LilSis, my mom and I stayed up late and talked. It was the first time I really talked to LilSis... possibly ever! We talked about everything. It was like a family therapy session minus the therapist. It was the first time I ever exposed myself to her, and opened up like that to my mom. I was really impressed at her maturity and openmindedness. She can come off as harsh, but she explained to me that it's her defense-- that she remembers shutting down around my dad when she was just three or four, feeling detached from him and annoyed that he was yellow and puking and rambling on about one thing or another. It's amazing to me how she and I reacted to all of that so differently. We also talked about the relationship that we've had for the past few years. It was a really healing thing.

I didn't climb into bed that night until after 2:00 am. Of course, I was anxious that having left Narc's place that afternoon, he ignored a text I sent him from the train. So I wrote to him again, asking about Borat, and he ignored me again. But, I already told you all of that...

The next day, I woke up bright and early. We were expecting a visit from GoldenFinch. Her husband had a seminar to attend one town over from where my mom lives, so she arrived with her son, BabyBird, ready to spend the day. I absolutely love that baby!

He has such beautiful eyes from his mother (not so evident in this picture) and beautiful lips from his father (who is a french horn player). I told GoldenFinch that I thought he was going to grow up to be a "brooder." I tried to teach the baby how to do a Byronic sneer. This picture (taken with my cell phone) was as close as I got...

It was really nice to see GoldenFinch again so soon. She held the baby while we sang "A Boy Like That" from West Side Story and ran through an old copy of Palestrina's Sicut Cervus, marked in B's handwriting "With Hushed Intensity." It made me laugh for the "old days."

It was nourishing to spend time with BabyBird and it was nourishing to watch the baby make my stepbrother smile. JBC loves kids and when he got up, he was having fun playing with the baby too.

At around 3:00, GoldenFinch volunteered to drive me into the city, where she was heading to meet her sister.

That night, I still hadn't heard from Narc. I was really antsy about it and wanted to get out of the house in a "Saturday night" kind of way. I called Hammer and made plans to go down and meet her. In the meanwhile, I called Brick. He said he was on his way to meet up with a guy. He sounded strange.

Hammer and I met at a diner in the West Village. I smoked Black and Gold cigarettes that Narc left at my house a year ago. We sat in the diner for a long time, just talking. Then I walked her back to her apartment for an episode of Sex in the City. It was a fun night.

I didn't get back to my building until around 3:00 am. As luck would have it, NDN was still up and invited me over for a chat. He was about to install his bathroom cabinets, and asked if I wanted to write any "graffiti" on his bathroom wall before the cabinets would cover it up. We came up with a few funny quotes and inside jokes and drew them on the wall with a thick black marker.

Finally, it was home and to bed.

The next day, I woke up feeling exhausted. I had to motivate myself out of bed, though, because Meema was running in the New York City Marathon and I had agreed to watch her pass by on the corner of 62nd and 1st. I made it up there (a little late) and found her husband, mother, mother in law, stepfather and two stepsisters. There, I waited with them for over an hour until she was spotted, gracefully jogging towards us. I couldn't believe how beautiful and sweat-free she remained despite the fact that she had already finished about twenty miles!

After Meema passed by, I stopped in at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I was suddenly filled with the urge for "home improvement." I called Brick from the store, but he didn't answer. In the meantime, I bought myself two beautiful goose-down pillows and a TON of cleaning supplies. Needing company, I called Bezoukhoff who joined me and helped me carry the stuff home. There, I scrubbed my kitchen floor with a brush just slightly larger than a toothbrush, while Bezoukhoff read me excerpts from Atlas Shrugged and I tried to exorcise my sexual masochism through cleaning.

After my cleaning blitz, Bezoukhoff and I went for dinner which I capped off with a brownie sundae dessert that looked like it could have been served by a clown at a kid's birthday party!

This Week:

The next day, I woke up to a very frightening text message from Brick:

I relapsed.

I called him right away, but he didn't pick up. I left him a message telling him how much I love him and that he should be proud of himself for admitting to this so fast and for coming back to help himself. I told him that I was there for him and I asked him to call me. He did. I really am proud of him for not giving up on himself. I can't imagine how he feels right now. He was skipping work, but we made a plan to meet later. I told him that we were going to a meeting together that night. Then, I had to go about my day.

I was pretty unsettled, so on the way in to work, I called Talis and left her a message to tell her what was going on. Then I had to teach. When I got out, I had a message waiting from Talis, and I have to say, I found it very off-putting.

"You are not to see your friend," she said. "You CAN NOT go to his house. The only way you can see him is to meet him at a meeting. And you must come see me after Tuesday night's meeting! I need to talk to you about some things..."

I understand that she had my best interest at heart, and I didn't particularly disagree with her suggestion. I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone.

I headed downtown to meet Hammer at the Tea Spot and to grade papers. As often happens with Hammer and Hyde, we talked a lot and didn't get enough work done. It's okay, though... I love our conversations. I told Hammer that I was upset at the message from my sponsor and I played it for her. She was taken aback and agreed that if she had received such a message, she would feel really negatively about it too. Soon enough, I had to leave for therapy. I called Brick and left him a message and hopped into a cab.

I played the message for my therapist too! She told me that it was "inappropriate" and not indicative of what the sponsor-sponsee relationship is about. She told me to tell my sponsor how I feel and not to build up a resentment. I was really nervous at that prospect.

In any case, as I came out of my therapists office, there was Brick slouched in the waiting room. I felt so protective of him and gave him a huge hug. He definitely had a look about him that I've never seen in him before-- "puffy eyed, cynical indifference" is the best way I can describe it. We set off on foot for my usual Monday night meeting and I bought him an ice cream along the way.

It was an 11th step "mediation meeting," and I had an interesting thought during the 10 minute "meditation." The 11th step talks about improving "conscious contact" with God through prayer and mediation. It's hard for me to have any kind of contact with God (granted, I'm not up to the 11th step yet!), but what I find happening is that I'm developing more conscious contact with myself and it's a weird feeling! At first, in the darkened silence, I started to think about Narc... fantasize... imagine him... Then I started to feel pain. Then I tried to block that pain out. Then it came back. And I tried to let myself feel it. I'm trying to get to know myself, because even with all of my introspection and critical self-analysis, I never really check in with what I'm feeling at any given moment. It's kind of a scary thing to try...

Anyway, during the meeting, Brick introduced himself and said he had "one day," which I know was really hard for him to do. Afterwards, a bunch of the guys came up to talk to him. He exchanged numbers with them and one of them offered to be an interim sponsor. My home group has a reputation in NY for being a little "Nazi-ish" about the rules and about staying "solution-oriented," but at the same time, it's a really energetic disciplined group, and the sponsors all really do their jobs. I felt confident, bringing Brick there, that he would finally get started on his step-work.

That night, Brick came with me back to my place. As for me? I called Talis to confront her about my discomfort, before I got alienated any further from the program. To my surprise, she apologized! Not only did she apologize, but she told me I'm right-- that she shouldn't tell me what to do; rather she can only make suggestions. She said that she knows that she often comes across as "abrasive" and that I have to remember that she's "only human."

"I just see myself in you," she said, "and I know how much I suffered in early recovery. I don't want you to think that sobriety has to mean suffering and so I just want you to do the right things. But I have to try to remember, that I can't control you. I have to 'let go and let god.'"

The talk made me feel a lot better and I'm glad that I actually confronted something rather than sitting on it. It was a good learning experience for me.

On Tuesday morning, Brick was skipping work again. Why? He had an important interview scheduled. I took very good care of him on Monday night and woke up early on Tuesday morning so that I could vote and go back to his place with him to cheer him on and check out his suit before his appointment. With Brick nervously on his way to the interview, I headed to the Upper West Side to meet B for lunch. While we ate, Brick called to tell me that the interview was a huge success!

From there, I went to teach. Afterwards, it was off to Tuesday night's mega-meeting. Brick met me out front, but ended up sitting with his "sponsor." I sat where I usually sit-- with Meema, who arrived half-hobbling after Sunday's race.

After the meeting, I took Brick over to meet Talis. Neither of them was at all what the other one thought. It was pretty funny. From there, Brick and I headed back to my place.

The next day, when I awoke, it was "gray and dreary, deary!" I had a lot of grading to do. Brick skipped work again and sat at my computer composing job-related emails. We ordered in Chinese food. I lay on my bed and listened to Baroque music. (Ah, the pathos!)

Mid-afternoon, I made a mistake. Brick and I had been telling each other stories from the past. I talked a lot about Air-7, a guy I dated in college. And also about ChoirMan-- my choir director from college-- the one I tried to contact last month, but the email bounced back to me. Anyway, I was prompted to pick up my journals from that time period. I shouldn't have done it. It really, REALLY fucked with my head. It sent me spinning off into a depression. I'd explain more about it, but I really don't want to go back there today. (As they say in AA, "My mind is a bad neighborhood. I shouldn't go walking through it alone!")

It left me a mess though... crying and everything. Brick tried to cheer me up a bit, but there wasn't much he could do. I'm sure he thinks I'm CRAZY after some of the stuff I told him-- stuff I've never told anyone before! I needed a quick fix. Something from the outside, or I would really just kill myself. The only thing I could think to do was to sing. It worked, although not as quickly or as thoroughly as a few lines would have done!

After that Brick went to his place to change his clothes and work out. I met him later at a Big Book meeting in my neighborhood. I met a cool girl at the meeting and we exchanged numbers. I have to remember to give her a call today. After the meeting, Brick and I went out to eat with my friend Lana and a very bizarre woman who appeared to be heavily medicated.

Then it was home for some ice cream and gossip in bed.

Today I woke up early to continue on with my grading. I am still pretty messed up by what I read in my journals. I feel sad and angry. I called ChoirMan where he works and left him a message. I don't know why.

I don't know... I feel like I should be happy today because it's my "six months." But I feel anxious and sad. The chaos that I use to cover everything is starting to give way and reveal the true issues and I'm not comfortable with it.

I don't know... I have to find a way to come to terms with the past. What scares me though, is that when I read that journal, I'm sure I had a mental illness. I'm sure of it. It makes me nauseas to think about. I spoke to Contessa last night. She tells me that she's getting married. It's good news. But, it's strange... GoldenFinch has a baby, Contessa is getting married... And of course, I'm thinking about VJ today, as it's her birthday. I'm so sad about how things just unraveled between us, but I guess that's just part of life. I forgot how much I used to worry about her. Those pages of my journal were filled with that-- sick with anxiety about her sickness. I wish I weren't so self-seeking, but having read all that, I feel even more betrayed by her. Getting sober has been the central struggle of my life-- the most difficult thing I have ever taken on... and yet, she is nowhere to be seen. She hasn't called once to ask me how I am or to say that she is proud of me or that she's thinking of me. When she didn't come to my dinner party this summer, I was hoping that it wasn't indicative of the bigger picture, but I was sadly disproved. I guess we didn't have much of a foundation for a real friendship after all...

Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. Brick can't make the meeting with me tonight because he has his therapist, so he's going to an earlier one. I may see him later on though. Tomorrow, my mom and my sisters are coming into the city to celebrate with me.

Oh-- and a long-awaited piece of furniture has FINALLY arrived! My "home improvements" are still underway!

As for Narc... my sweet, sweet Narc... I think that he is feeling guilty. He can't deal with me right now, and he pretty much said as much in his text a few days ago. I feel sick about it, but then again, I always do. I found some "love letters" written to Air-7 and what scares me is that with a few minor changes, they could have been written to Narc. I never realized how extremely I'm repeating what I went through eight years ago!

In any case, I called him today and left him a message. I'm tired of walking on egg-shells with him. I feel defeated and have decided to give in until I break, or he goes away for good. I think, at this point, I've proven to myself that I'm not going to break and I'm not going to die. So... that means I'll survive. And when I'm ready for this to be done, it will be done.

Okay... gotta dash off to my meeting now. I get my six-month coin tonight! Wouldn't miss it for the world...

love,
h

Would you believe it...?

It's been six months!

I had to ask...

Last night, I sent Narc a text:

You watching the election returns?

When I didn't get an answer (yet again!) I had to send him another:

PS: Good luck with your essay tomorrow. PPS: Are you not talking to me? Or just busy? Please let me know. Thinking of you. And not having the easiest week... :\

He wrote back to me at 2:00 am:

Essay put off for another week. Not doing well with the breathing. Cardiologist yesterday, pulmonologist tomorrow etc. Just trying to get better now. We'll see.

Half asleep, and with Brick snoring at my side, I mustered a reply:

Keep me posted. I am worried about you & here however I can help. Even if it's just to help w groceries or something... Miss you & hoping you figure this breathing thing out. Glad it's not that you're not talking to me for a reason. PS: Fell asleep to "soundscapes" tonight... :) Feel better!

To Sleep: Perchance to Dream

Thursday night was a dream, I'm sure. A dream, because nothing so beautiful could have really come from the dusty and cobwebbed reality that Narc and I now are.

He wrote to me at 11:27: come out.

And so, I did.

When I got to his place, he wasn't on the roof at all, but rather was in his apartment playing Okami. He answered the door naked... old school. (Ha ha...) And he kissed me. And pulled off my clothes. It was strange though... I felt a little awkward about it and moved over to the couch, pulling a pillow over my lap. He kissed me again, and then went back to his game.

"Give me a minute. I just have to get to the next 'safe point,'" he said. "Then I can come 'entertain' you. I promise...!"

"Don't worry about it, Narc... take your time. What are you playing anyway?"

"Okami. I think I must have spent 30 hours on this game already. But I need your help to get past a puzzle. There's a puzzle point and I need your help with it. We have to solve it together."

Then he returned his focus to the game. I was content to watch... a magical wolf god flying with light.

But I was happier to watch him. To just watch him. I am completely and hopelessly in love with him. I know I can't be with him for much longer. I know he is going to be taken from me. And so, I love him sadly now. I won't leave him. I will wait for "us" to die.

"I'm almost there... I'm almost there," he kept saying, turning to look at me... leaning over to kiss me.

"Okay."

I was happy to be patient.

At long last, Narc reached the "puzzle" point-- he had to get past some "Blockhead" character who shows five points on the screen before they disappear and the player has to click on the exact spots where the points were revealed.

"I was doing this for hours yesterday," Narc confessed, "but I couldn't move past it. I need your help."

(I don't care that he was talking about a video game. Hearing those words from his lips was music to my ears!)

"Are you ready? Are you ready?" he asked. His words were slurred. "You have to be very careful. Memorize the screen, okay?"

"Okay."

"One... Two... Three!"

We missed it.

We tried again.

We missed it again.

"I'll just go up to the screen and point," I volunteered.

"Okay," he agreed. "I'll get the first three. You get the last two. Got it?"

"Got it!"

"You get numbers four and five. All right? Do you understand?"

"Yes. I understand."

"Four and five!"

"Yes, Narc!"

"Okay..."

So, there I stood... naked in front of his enormous flat screen, staring at an animated block of cement talk about how he was the ruler "of this shadowy realm."

We failed at our first attempt.

"Let's do it again," he insisted.

This time, we succeeded!

I never saw his face light up as it did just then. It was pure childlike joy, and it was the most wonderful gift in the world. He opened his arms up to me, beaming, and waiting for me to return to him on the couch. I did... folding myself into him with a kiss. He clasped his arms around me so tightly.

"We did it! We did it!" he kept saying in between kisses.

I don't think I've ever been happier.

After the "Blockhead," he still hadn't reached a safepoint. He got to a room where he needed a bridge.

"How about that beam above you?" I suggested.

"Perfect!" he exclaimed, kissing me again.

The only problem was that once across the bridge, he kept missing a jump and each time he fell, he was set back nearly all the way to the point he was at when I had arrived.

"Are they really sending me back here?!?" he exclaimed. "This is fucking unbelievable! That is just SO RUDE! I can't believe how RUDE the makers of this game are!"

I started cracking up.

"Rude, Narc? I don't know if I'd call it 'rude'!"

He laughed at himself with me. At least he didn't have to pass the Blockhead-puzzle point again.

Finally, he could do it no more. He tossed the controller onto the coffee table.

"I give up! I give up! These fuckers have invented an impossible game. Fuck it. I'm gonna sell it back tomorrow. I'm done with this bullshit!"

He switched his system back onto television and reached for me. I was glad he was finally ready for me.

I don't know why, but something was different that night. Skin to skin, something felt perfect to me. Something felt right. There was no doubt... no conflict for me at all. He took me to bed.

"I love you, darling," he said.

I believe him now unequivocally. I have absolutely no doubt. It's strange how that comes in the end.

We must have had sex a dozen times between that night and the following morning. The whole night was punctuated by it, half asleep... in a dream... (And by the way... I think I've been watching WAY too much porn, because it was giving me all sorts of new ideas. With the kind of stuff I watch, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.)

We stayed in bed for a long time together in the morning.

"I like the new ceramic penguin," I said, staring up at the shelf.

"Yeah. That one actually is from Russia. The rest just have Russian names."

"What did you think of Moscow?" I asked, tentatively.

"I don't know... what did you think?"

"I was only there for a few days," I told him, "and I didn't particularly like it."

"Me neither. PopStar kept saying what a 'romantic' city it is. Not quite... unless you find blocks of concrete romantic!"

I didn't want to talk about her, so I let it alone.

Narc started to tell me that he had interviewed an actress for his screenplay the night before.

"She totally looks the part," he kept saying. "She looks like Angela. But, I wasn't getting that spark from her."

"You should have her read," I suggested.

"Yeah. Obviously... I will."

After a lot more sex, when we finally got out of bed, Narc suggested brunch. He ordered us crepes and I made a pot of coffee, but he was out of cream.

"I can run across the street and get you some," I volunteered.

"No, I'll go with you," he said, pulling on his jacket.

I was shocked. He never volunteers to go with me for stuff like that.

Back at his place, he flicked on the television.

"Did I ever save that game last night?" he asked.

"No, Narc! You said you were going to give up, remember? You just left it running and turned the screen back to television..."

"No way! So I didn't save it? We have to pass blockhead again? Shit! You can't go until we do that."

"I have to be out of here by 1:00 though," I told him. "I'm going to Long Island today."

"Not if I keep you captive!"

He started to play again. I just lay with my head on his lap, looking up at him while he played. Then I got up and cleaned up his living room while I was waiting for Mr. Blockhead to appear.

It took us a few tries to again blow the puzzle to pieces, but we did it. Narc kissed me warmly again. Then back to his bedroom for more sex. I was as happy as I know how to be.

But soon, it was the witching hour. I had to leave him. He was laying outstretched on the couch again at that point. I climbed on top of him and embraced him. He kissed me some more.

"I'll see you soon?" I smiled.

"Yes, definitely."

But, he suddenly seemed uneasy. I tried to ignore it as I left.

On the train on my way to Long Island, I took a picture of the trees outside my window. The world was rich with red and gold.

The leaves are turning. Get thee to Central Park! I wrote.

He didn't respond.

Much later that night, before bed, I wrote to him again: How was Borat? I asked.

He didn't respond.

The next day, back in the city, I called him and left a message asking if he had found my cell phone charger.

No charger here, he wrote back.

So cold... so cold.

Thanks. I'll check with my mom, I said. Everything okay with you?

He didn't answer.

Much later that night, I called him again. He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message.

By Sunday, I was sick with anxiety.

I love him, I love him, I love him. I need to vomit.

I sent him another text message.

At the marathon, I wrote.

He didn't respond.

By Sunday evening, I was about ready to vomit. Instead, I scrubbed my kitchen floor with a toothbrush and tried to sexualize the experience. Then, I called him and left him a message.

Hey Narc, it's me, I said. I'm just calling to say hi and see how you are. I haven't heard from you since Friday, and I don't know... I just sort of have a bad feeling... that something's wrong. So, I guess I'm just calling to see if you're okay... and to tell you that I'm thinking about you.

(Then I panicked that my message sounded too overbearing, so I changed tones.)

Anyway... I'm having a pretty good day... cleaned my house and now grading some exams! So, just give me a ring when you get a chance-- if not tonight, then tomorrow... whenever. I hope you're well and that your travel essay is coming along. Okay! :) Bye!

I don't know... I'm sick of walking on eggshells and losing. But all I know is that I love him. Hammer has convinced me of his "Mr. Big-ness." (See the following episodes if you don't believe me: The Domino Effect or Cock-a-doodle-do).

Anyway, there was a lot more to the weekend, but I'll come back and talk about all of that later. I have to go work on my grading for now...

love,

an anxious and lonely hyde

Halloween Antics

It's such a busy week this week that I fear I'll never catch up on all my blogging! So, I'll try to give a brief rundown of the Halloween week as best I can, before moving on...

Halloween was a blast. The day before my sister's party (Friday, Oct. 27th), I hung out with Bezoukhoff all day. I cleaned my bathroom while he stood in the doorway reading me excerpts from War and Peace. Such is my life. In the evening, we went to the supermarket and cooked dinner together. Brick came over and ate with us. Later, NDN stopped by too and all four of us played "dress up," rummaging through my costume bin, trying on a whole slew of wigs, tunics, gloves, glasses and gowns. Me and the boys... Yes, such is my life. It was so much fun.

That night, Bezoukhoff had an insane amount of work to do and a long trek home to Brooklyn, so I offered for him to stay over at my place. Brick and I retired to the bedroom while Bezoukhoff stayed up all night, kept company by Mr. Rochester, sorting through articles about 18th Century sodomy for the Professor he is assisting. (I'm waiting for Hammer to give that professor a name. She is the expert at naming our professors!)

The next morning, Brick left to have lunch with Sherbie while I stayed home all day, my hair in rollers, constructing a wig for my mother (who went as Frida Kahlo) and one for Brick (who went as Jocelyn Wildenstein ). NDN took care of his own costume. He went as "a sexually confused professor." (Don't ask!)

Brick came over to my place in the late afternoon. We ate Dominoes and got dressed. NDN joined us at around 5:00. We took some pictures together at my place and then headed out to my sister's apartment.

The party was a lot of fun. I thought my mom's costume was the best one there. LilSis and JBC were funny dressed as Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. NDN was a little out of control with his antics. Also, it was hard for me to be at the party without drinking. I know it was hard for Brick too.

Afterwards, Brick wanted to go to a tranny bar in the West Village to show off his new style. I was bone tired, but reluctantly agreed. So off we went-- me, Brick and NDN in costume. A very bizarre trio.

The bar had a cover and so we weren't sure we wanted to go in, but the bouncer promised us a "good time." Once inside, we realized that we had been duped. The bar was empty, save for two other people, and this at the the peak hour on a Saturday night! I was cranky and didn't want to be in a bar. NDN was trying to make chit chat with the few others there. Brick was embarrassed that he presented as an ugly girl, all disheveled at the end of the night and made up to look like a plastic surgery nightmare. Needless to say, we decided to leave.

I wasn't quite ready to call it a night, and so I suggested we stop by Marie's. Once inside, I saw a familiar face. It was SingMan! Dear old SingMan! I immediately texted Hammer with the gossip. SingMan spotted me as well and came over to ask me why Hammer was no longer returning his texts.

"She's been busy with studying for her orals," I said. "And she's in a relationship now."

SingMan was there with RabbitNose, his old girlfriend. I tried to snap a picture of them to send to Hammer. It was kind of funny.

NDN and Brick didn't want to hang out there for too long, though. NDN doesn't sing, and so a piano bar isn't really his thing. And Brick was feeling less and less attractive in his costume. So at around 3:00 am, we headed home.

All in all, it was a good pre-Halloween weekend. On Sunday morning, I went shoe shopping with Brick, traipsing up and down Fifth Avenue into stores like Gucci and Prada. Brick bought me a baseball hat-- the Virginia Cavaliers. (Brick and I are the only two people I know who would walk into a sports store, pick a hat by the design and decide to root for that team on that basis alone!)

Later on in the afternoon, I met up with Hammer. We went to see Marie Antoinette, which I thought was pretty terrible. Afterwards, we ate at "the German diner" and sat and talked for a really long time. I capped the night off with a bubble tea and headed home to sleep.

As for the week itself, everything was alright. I did a ton of work on my fourth step (although I'm still not nearly done) and I was glad because Meema arrived back from her week-long cruise. I'm starting to wonder about my sponsor, Talis, though, because she is consistently annoying me, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

In any case, I didn't see Narc for most of the week, although our daily text messaging continued. Finally, on Thursday, I felt the iron was hot, so I struck... I called him and left him a message asking whether or not he wanted to meet up. He called me back at midnight... drunk, of course.

"It's November," he said. "I think you owe me a date on the roof."

I can't believe he remembered. I was elated.

Anyway, I'll continue later. Right now I'm off to meet Hammer to study together at "the Tea Spot," my new favorite local.

And more on this later, but if any of you read this, please include my aunt in your prayers-- she was diagnosed with cancer this week. And also, please include Brick. I don't want to go into his personal business, but he needs your love and good energy right now, too.

-h-

Omens

On Monday, I saw peacock in the street... I was convinced that it was an omen.

I told Narc about it-

He wrote back: Peacocks generally represent ostentation...do they not? Perhaps, then, not the most profound omen...!

Hyde: This one was white. And its feathers seemed to be made of lace. It was like a whisper. I can't imagine it was ostentatious. I'll have to mediate on it to figure it out.

Then, I emailed him:

Hey Narc,

First of all-- I bought a giant (and I mean GIANT) gold buddha head. It's cool. I was impulsive, but I love it. I think you will appreciate it. I'll send you a picture later.

And on my peacock--

The peacock as an omen is apparently a bad thing. So, I've decided not to be superstitious. But here's what else I found out...

The peacock is a Greek and Roman symbol of fidelity.

In Christian imagery, the tail of the peacock, with its 'thousand eyes' are symbolic of omnipotence and often ascribed to the ArchangelMichael.

In Indian culture, it's a symbol of love, passion, luck, protection and prosperity

But here's the funniest one--

The peacock symbolized the incorruptibility of Christ because, according to an ancient belief codified by Isidore, its flesh is so hard that it does not putrefy. St. Augustine of Hippo put this belief to the test. Roast peacock was served at dinner in Carthage, and he ordered the meat from the breast to be put aside. After thirty days, he found that there was no bad smell. After a year, the peacock's flesh had become only a little desiccated.

"Dessicated peacock flesh?" I love google.

Talk to you later,
Hyde

His reply: And let us not forget: sometimes a peacock is just a peacock...

Of course that would be his reply. I should have guessed...

PS: Here's a picture of the buddha head I bought.

Queen Patsy

Why is it that every song Patsy Cline sings could have been written expressly for me?

EVERY SINGLE ONE!

I'm addicted to her this morning...

My heart is broken.... I hate it.

Sweet Dreams

Sweet dreams of you
Every night I go through
Why can't I forget you and start my life anew
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

You don't love me, it's plain
I should know I'll never wear your ring
I should hate you the whole night through
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

Sweet dreams of you
Things I know can't come true
Why can't I forget the past, start loving someone new
Instead of having sweet dreams about you

Crazy

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new

Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?

Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you


Strange

Strange, how you stopped loving me
How you stopped needing me
When she came along
Oh, how strange
Strange, you changed like night and day
Just up and walked away
When she came along
Oh, how strange

Well, I guess that I was just your puppet
You held on a string
To think I thought you really loved me
But look what thoughts can bring
Strange, you're still in all my dreams
Oh what a funny thingI still care for you
Oh, how strange

I Fall to Pieces

I fall to pieces,
Each time I see you again.
I fall to pieces.
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we've never kissed.
You want me to forget, pretend we've never met.
And I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet.
You walk by and I fall to pieces.

I fall to pieces,
Each time someone speaks your name.
I fall to pieces.
Time only adds to the flame.

You tell me to find someone else to love,
Someone who'll love me too, the way you used to do.
But each time I go out with some one new,
You walk by and I fall to pieces.
You walk by and I fall to pieces

I Go Out Walking

I go out walking after midnight
Out in the moonlight just like we used to do
I'm always walking after midnight searching for you

I walk for miles along the highway
Well that's just my way of saying I love you
I'm always walking after midnight searching for you

I stopped to see a weeping willow
Crying on his pillow maybe he's crying for me
And as the skies turn gloomy
Night blooms will whisper to me
I'm lonesome as I can be

I go out walking after midnight
Out in the moonlight
Just hoping maybe
you're somewhere walking after midnight searching for me

Mind Slip

Just when I think everything is sort of okay, I start to lose my mind without reason. I've just spent the past two hours sobbing in my bed. Slipping into my old self... my old, old self. I don't know why. All I can think about is dying. But there's the same old stupid Hyde dilemma-- suicide would "look bad." It would blow my cover. I'm supposed to have my shit more together than that. I wanted to slice up my arms, but I didn't. The scars would be too visible and I know it would annoy me tomorrow when I'll prefer to pretend that today never happened.

So, I didn't do anything. I just clenched my fists and stayed in bed and cried. I didn't call anyone because I don't want to worry anyone. And now, I've gotten up. I'm in my living room, but I hate it in here ever since I took down my Christmas lights. The room feels cold and barren to me once the sun sets... even though it is the most overstuffed, brightly colored room imaginable.

I don't want to go to my high school reunion next month, even though I promised BigSis I'd go. I have to tell her that I don't want to. She's going to be upset. Plus, we already paid for the tickets...

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I hate myself and can't stand this... having no way out... no fucking release. I hate being sober. But I hated being a drunk too.

I wish I could feel better. I wish I had energy... momentum. I wish I could feel on the inside, how other people look on the outside.

I wish I could stop wishing to die. It's too embarassing a thing to even tell anyone...

Fuck it. I'm not going anywhere tonight... except maybe to a meeting. I don't really want to do that either, but it's only five blocks from my house, so I have no excuse.

I'll have to fix my mascara before I go.

I wish I could forget about Narc.

I wish I could disappear.

h