We Met

So the story continues, picking up where I left off...

That night, at Cheers, I was flying, I was so happy. NDN and I had a great time. He tried to get me to dance, but I refused. Even so, my mood was very "bang! bang!" as FightingMensch would say. It was karaoke night, so I sang a few times. I bought NDN a glass of sherry (an unusual choice) but he left after one drink. He had to get to work the next day. As for me, I was taking it easy, sipping several glasses of Chardonnay, happily chatting with IrishBird, BarMan and ThursdayGirl. The night rolled along until around 1:30 am when ThursdayGirl and some random guy sang that duet "Picture" (by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow). There's a phrase in the song:

I ain't seen the sun shine in 3 damn days.
Been fuelin up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
But I wonder if I'll ever change my ways

Anyway, BarMan winked at me (because of those lyrics) and it made me feel strange... All of a sudden, I was getting a craving. I guess it was a trigger of sorts. It's strange what can act as a trigger like that! It was so unexpected. Well, to make a long story short, I ordered a Jack Daniels and then another and then another.

At around 2:00 am a REALLY wasted guy came in with two beautiful women. It turns out that two of the three went to Columbia and graduated in 2005. I felt old. I talked to them for a while, because we were all drunk and there was no one else to talk to, but the guy was a major asshole. He kept saying that he wanted to buy Cheers and make it into a chain. BarMan told him it was family owned and that he was pretty sure it wasn't for sale, but this guy was so cocky and arrogant and so drunk and so up in everyone's faces. Yuck.

At around 2:30 am, IrishBird announced "last call." The three of them wanted to continue to drink, so I told them that Manchester Pub is usually open late. They asked if I wanted to join them, and I agreed. It took a little longer to get out of there though, and by the time we had all paid our tabs, they decided to go home instead. I was all revved up and told IrishBird I was going to head to Manchester on my own. I said goodbye to everyone and left. Once outside the door, though, the voice of practicality cut through the fog of alcohol.

Why are you going to Manchester by yourself at nearly 3:00 am on a Thursday night? It asked. Shouldn't you just go home? You just worked a twelve hour day today and were exhausted and you have so much to do tomorrow! Go get some sleep.

Okay. So I went home.

The only problem? I was still super-wound up, not only from my conversation with Narc but now from the whiskey as well. A few glasses of Jack always make me hyper. I remembered that Narc had told me he would be up until the "wee hours," so I figured I'd call him to say "good night." I really didn't plan on going there. Primarily because I had NO cash on me to take a cab, and I'm not in the habit of riding the subway while drunk at 3:00 am. Wait-- but what if he asked me to come? Would I change my mind? I decided to see if I could scrounge some money together "just in case." I scrambled all around the house. All I came up with was about four rolled up single-dollar bills. You know you're hitting "irresponsible" when you're resorting to old coke-bills for cash. There was no way I could come up with enough to get there. I dialed anyway. He answered. He was asleep.

"Hey, what's up?" (He was groggy, but he knew it was me).

"Oh, Narc! I'm sorry! Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, but that's okay."

"I guess I'll go. I just thought I'd see if you were still up."

"No, that's alright. Why don't you come over?"

"Now?"

"Yeah. Come over now."

"But I don't have any cash. I'll have to take the subway."

"Whatever... I'll wait for you."

"Okay. Bye."

I hung up and drunk-shaved as fast as I could. Then I reapplied an entire layer of my makeup, poured some food into my cat's bowl and dashed (or rather stumbled) out the door.

Upon arrival (at around 4:00 am), I had to laugh to myself, for Sunshine's "prophecy" had come true. When I had spoken to her earlier in the evening, she encouraged me not to pay a "night time" visit to Narc.

"You know he's going to answer the door naked," she had said, "with a bottle of wine on the table."

"How do you know that?"

"I know this guy!" she insisted. "I've been reading about him for months!"

Well, she was right. He answered the door naked and physically "ready for action"-- typical Narc. The open bottle of wine sat on the coffee table. He started kissing me right at the door.

"You went to Cheers?" he smiled.

"Yeah. How can you tell? Do I taste like whiskey?"

I could tell it bothered him a little that I went out, even though I knew he was at his place waiting for me. I was a little embarrassed because I knew he was sober and I wasn't. Whatever, though... there was nothing I could do about it at that point. We didn't even head for the living room. With just a few words exchanged, we went right to the bedroom.

As for what comes next, I'll spare you the details. All I can say is that it was unbelievable. I hate him for that. (Please sir, I'd like some more...)

And that was that.

The next morning, more was had. It was amazing and I was lulled into momentary happiness. He fell back asleep and dozed for a while. I lay there staring at his bookshelves, as I've done countless times before. When he woke up, we lay there for a while talking.

I hate to say it, but he was a total "downer." Everything out of his mouth was a complaint of some kind. He told me that he's been depressed, that his trip wasn't fulfilling, and again, that he's been having trouble getting motivated for his movie. He complained that his back was hurting (I masochistically offered him a massage), and then he told me of some depressing book he read about how the FDA is conspiring to suppress natural cures for diseases like diabetes in order to make more money from the drug industry. Blah. Minus the sex, I just wasn't having a very good time.

I noticed a new book on his shelf, and asked him about it. I think it startled him that I have his bookshelves memorized, but there have been so many mornings that I've just lay there, waiting for him to get up, my eyes running over those volumes. When I looked out the window, I saw that they're putting up a new building about a block away. When it goes up, it's going to block his view of the Empire State Building. Sucks for him!

Anyway, after a while he got up and started his morning internet browsing. I told him he should post his photos from the trip, and he said that he would show them to me first, because it would take forever to upload them all. So I got up and leaned next to him at the computer. He opened the folder with his pictures and I saw a few half-naked pictures of the Exhibitionist that he must have taken (I also saw them posted on her "Exhibitionist" website, by the way.) I feel like he opened the folder in front of me like that because he knew I would notice them and he wanted me to. He was trying to play a head game, but I pretended not to notice, so as not to give him any satisfaction.

The bottom line is that I just wasn't feeling it with him. He was dragging me down emotionally and even though the sex was great, and my feelings for him are tangled and loaded, I just wasn't having a good time that morning. I told him that I had to take off by 12:30 in time for my speech therapy. We screwed around for a while more and then he told me that he'd get dressed and leave with me. He gave me back my top that I had left there in August. While I was waiting for him, the Exhibitionist called him. I don't know what's up with them, but I have zero tolerance for sharing, and even though Narc and I are not in a "relationship," I don't want to be involved on any level if he's working two things at once. I'm just not interested in that. I can't deal with it emotionally.

Anyway, it was raining as we left the building and he complained. He was whining a little-- said he was still sick. I don't know. It felt awkward between us.

"So? What are your plans for the day?" I asked.

"I don't know. I'm gonna go to Mocca for a while and read, I guess," he said glumly. "Then, maybe I'll go catch a movie at Union Square. I don't know... What about you?"

"Well, speech therapy, like I told you... Then I have to get some work done, and then I have plans with Hammer and NDN to bum around my place tonight, smoking marijuana and watching movies," I answered.

"Sounds a lot more exciting than my night," he said.

I didn't say anything.

We walked together the one block to Mocca, neither of us uttering a word. Then it was time for us to part. He just started to walk away from me towards the entrance to the coffee shop, radiating depression all the while.

Was that it? Was he just going to leave without a goodbye?

"Well, I guess I'll see ya!" I called after him.

He turned around uncomfortably.

"Oh, uh, yeah... See you soon."

"It was good seeing you again," I smiled.

I didn't wait for a response. I just turned and walked away.

All in all, I felt bad for him. It's like he's dying for a connection so badly, but he can't forge one. And he realized that even after the night of sex with me, he still didn't feel close to me. I think that's what depressed him. It's as if he were searching for a sort of "fix" that never came. Knowing that, as we parted on that street corner only depressed him more. Of course, I'm inferring a lot here, but that's how it felt to me at the time.

Anyway, the reason I don't think this whole reunion was a disaster is because even though I still love Narc, (and I really do), I just didn't feel "in love" with him. Well, maybe that's not the right way to put it. It's more that I just felt dragged down by him... diminished, undervalued... And he seemed somewhat pathetic to me. Sad. He made me sad. But it was a moment of clarity-- sad in a way that has room for the knowledge that I can't help him, so I'll keep my "being" separate from his. Usually, the kind of sad he makes me feel is one of frustration and longing at not being able to knock down his walls. A sadness of endlessly banging my head against the same wall. But this time it was different. It was an amazingly liberating moment. I'm not sure if it will last, but it was still a revelation of sorts...

Anyway, I have a lot more to say, but no time right now. I spent this morning visiting my brother, and although the surgery went okay, his entire head is swollen and his left eye is squeezed shut from the swelling. It was all kind of depressing. The past two times they've attempted the surgery, they had shunts in place to help drain the area, but they're afraid that's why he kept getting infected. It's a little scary, but this time they're going to try to let the body drain itself. It was hard to see him like that...

But bottom line, I have to go get some work done now.
Hope you're all enjoying the weekend!

H