I feel like I've failed to get something important across when it comes to the situation with Narc. Dan writes that he "can't understand why I forgave him," and Anonymous writes that my behavior is an example of "not living at all."
I didn't forgive him, but I still love him. And for me, continuing to love someone is living. In fact, it's to live boldly.
Anonymous also writes:
You did not choose to do something rather than do nothing and regret it. You simply allowed Narc to do something (i.e., you).
I appreciate the feedback, but I disagree. I did choose to do something. I chose to forge a relationship with Narc. I chose to continue to engage with him despite the difficulties it posed. I chose to take a risk on someone who despite his problems has many redeeming qualities, someone who has never had very much love in his life and someone who at points (when he has allowed it) has opened up in amazing ways. The fact that he can't sustain that connection, or doesn't want to, was not immediately clear, and is still difficult for me to fully accept.
But the point is that I'm not some kind of object allowing myself to be passively acted upon by Narc! I've been making "choices" and acting with agency throughout this entire relationship.
Although the terms that Narc has offered me have never been enough to satisfy, instead leaving me considerably sad and frustrated, I've persisted and stuck with him because I see something in him behind the steel walls he's created between himself and the world. I see him and I've held on to that despite his efforts to push me away by hurting me.
But in the end, if he wants to push me away, then away I must go. Despite the contradictory messages he's been issuing for the past year and a half, he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want a "relationship." What is there to do except to move on, to demand more and to find better treatment from someone else? But you can't fault me for trying. I understand that this is no kind of lasting love, if he won't let it be. But to me, love is love, and not a project so easily abandoned.
I'm not a "masochist" for having stuck it out with Narc. Hammer reminded me of this, and brought me back to myself and my values in her comment on the post "We Met."
She writes:
"I masochistically offerred him a massage..."That's not masochism! That's love and generosity! Don't confuse them!
She's right. Although I find that in the past few weeks and months I've been frequently confused-- by my own behavior, by Narc's behavior, about what I wish for most and in regards to what I'm working for.
Mr. Mystic left me a comment on the post "We Spoke," asking:
If you could have one wish regarding Narc, what would it be?
Honestly, I can't answer that question. I have lost all orientation. But I do know this-- the reason that I stayed invested in Narc is not because I hate myself; it's because I love him. It's because I saw something in him--something that I wanted to nurture--something that I still feel terrible abandoning.
Maybe I've failed. Maybe I can't make this work. Maybe that was clear to all of you from the start. But don't forget that Narc is a person and not a character. None of you have been there and felt what I've felt in the moments of good. None of you have looked him in the eye in those moments of vulnerability. I honestly thought that I could save this. And the moments that he melted those walls with me were so incredibly intense that it was enough fuel to push me through the bad moments-- being stood up for the opera, being cast out the night of my brother's accident, knowing he masturbated in front of my friend, being called a whore, being kicked out of his place for the Exhibitionist, dealing with him getting too "physical," and the worst offense of all which I have never even posted about here.
That I chose love despite these incidents does not make me stupid and it does not make me passive. It only makes me stubborn. Stubborn to a fault.
And I've always known that I'm stubborn.
And I've never once fallen out of love.
And I doubt that I ever will.
-h-
5 comments:
Hyde - despite my difficulties understanding at times, I do understand how it is that you got to where you did.
I don't like Narc, probably never will because of the way he's treated you. But, that's okay, I don't have to. I do have behind my own personal feelings a set of professional opinions about him. But I am also not in the position to diagnose someone from secondhand knowledge.
I understand how someone like him could be intense and show a side to you that is incredibly vulnerable. I'm sure that there is a lot of pain (and possibly trauma) that he has experienced. But here's the deal. You can't save him...he's got to want to change and do the work himself (it's going to take more than the love of a good woman).
You have to decide when the good outweighs the bad for yourself. No one of us can make that decision for you. But you have to understand that we, as your blog friends, hate to see you repeating the same actions and getting the same painful results.
I'm glad you are getting it that he can't connect, that he's pushing you away. I can only hope that you will continue to see that and that you deserve (because you do) to have someone who can love you as fully as you love them.
For the record, I did not post the "Anonymous" comment on your last post but much of what he/she said mirrored some of my own thoughts. Reading what you wrote today does clarify a few things to me although ultimately, you're right in that I've never met him or seen him at his best. I cannot feel whatever it is that you have felt when you two are together. Maybe if I could, it would be harder for me to carry on about how dangerous/insensitive/etc. he is.
I'm reminded of a fairly recent relationship one of my friends had with a girl who I disliked. She wasn't fun to hang out with at all but she always wanted to hang out with us. She didn't abuse him per se, but her erratic behavior seemed to cause him a great deal of stress. Throughout it all, I told him he should just move on. However, if there was a cute but flawed girl interested in me and I had to tell her "no," I can't honestly say I would be strong enough to do it. Giving advice is easy; following it is another matter.
Anyway, it sounds like you're ready to move on, so best of luck to you. Do what makes you happy.
dammit Hyde - you don't owe us an explanation!
ST
hyde-is,
you also forgot to mention that you use this blog to vent about negative frustrating things (at least I think). and sometimes, some of the most intimate and redeeming things about you and the narc, well, don't you keep them private? aren't they "unmentionables", like sexy stuff and loving stuff? There is something real between you two, but it falls short of what you would like from him. That's at least my observation. It's quite simple, at least the way I see it: In spite of the drama, and the seeing his worst side, you still love him.
I don't know what to say Hyde, that hasn't been said already.
I just wanted you to know that I'm still here & I'm still looking out for you.
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