Happy New Year!

All week long I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I cried a lot last Monday night. I was just emotionally overwhelmed. It was okay, though, because B was here and I sang him some Handel arias and some Turandot.

(Also, I have to add-- and if you've known me since college, you're not going to believe this--but I've been having some cravings for Bach! Yes, you heard me right! I feel the cold weather coming and I want something dark and Baroque. I only want overly Romantic Bach, though, so B is going to lend me his Klemperer "St. Matthew Passion.")

Tuesday was an exhausting day in terms of work. My Holocaust class left me shaken up about human nature, and I can't seem to cast it out of my mind. I feel like it's put a scowl on my face all week long. Later that day, while I was waiting for the crosstown bus, I was singing softly to myself Mozart's Deh Vieni (Susanna's aria from Figaro). An older gentleman kept looking at me, and I figured he must have been annoyed. I didn't care though. A half hour later, as he was disembarking from the bus, he called out to me.

"Miss! Miss! Excuse me, miss!"

"What is it?" I asked removing my headphones.

"I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful voice."

"Thanks!"

It really made my day.

Later that night, I stopped by BigSis' apartment, as she and Bro-in-Law moved out to Forest Hills at the end of the week. We watched a few episodes of Sex and the City and I said my goodbyes to the space. I get weirdly sentimental about things like that.

On Wednesday, I started the day a little upset, as I got annoyed at my therapist. She can come across as a know-it-all every now and then, and I guess I was in an irritable mood. It was okay, though, because my day vastly improved as it wore on. I had a voice lesson that evening that went really well. (My voice seems to be getting stronger and healthier again these days.) After that, I wandered up Riverside Drive, lost in my own thoughts, journaling in the park for a while before I had to head to my choir rehearsal. I absolutely love my new choir. The three hour rehearsal just flew by. It's all because I love the music so much and the conductor is really smart when it comes to tone-color. The music is just transcendent. We just started working on a Tavener piece based on Byzantine chant. At one point, the altos hold the same note for several measures. It sounds like an Eastern drone and when the pitch is pure, you can just hear the overtones flying off of it, so when the rest of the choir comes in, it sounds absolutely celestial!

Thursday was another long day for me, although given that my Italian history class was cancelled, I had a little break in the afternoon. (You guys all know--I spent it in Manchester Pub and then got all moody and chain smoked before teaching my last class). I ended up back at Cheers that evening. It was a good time. NDN stopped by and we sat outside the bar and talked for a bit while I smoked more cigarettes. Later, two of the FourthFloorGirls showed up and I spent most of the time talking to them. I drank a lot by the end of the night and found myself talking to some French guy and then to some guy from San Francisco who wanted to "take me home." I told IrishBird to watch my back and tried to ignore him. I'm still not ready to move on, even a la "one night stands." Earlier in the evening, some girl had sang I Hate Myself for Loving You and it made me think of Narc. I'm so fucking self-dramatizing. I can't stand it sometimes.

Daylight spent the night without you
But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through
Hey man bet you can treat me right
You just don't know what you was missin' last night
I wanna see your face and say forget it just from spite

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you,
that's whyI hate myself for loving you

I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away

No. I'm not really that pathetic. I was just drunk, so I guess I became that pathetic in the moment. And that's what scares me. If he had called me just then, I would have fucked him. I have to do a little better than that. I have to.

On Friday I woke up with a splitting headache and my eyes were as dry as hell. I had to pull it together though, because I had my first appointment with a speech therapist. My voice teacher thinks I abuse my voice while speaking by tightening up my jaw to form consonants and projecting too much from the throat when I teach. So now I'm in speech therapy. (I think it's all the alcohol and cocaine that's been giving me a hard time with my voice, but I can't exactly say that to him, now can I? And I do have a very tight jaw. It seems to be where I carry my stress. Although it's vastly improved with relaxation exercises over the past year.) She had me do all sorts of things like breathing exercises, lip trills and blowing through a straw on a sliding series of pitches. All of her exercies are aimed at relaxing the larynx, but I don't really have any issues with my larynx. (In fact, I can relax my entire throat/soft pallet area pretty well right now). But I suppose she knows what she's talking about, so we'll just see how it goes...

That night I hung out with B, which was an awesome time as always. We browsed Tower Records for a while and then walked uptown enjoying the weather. We ate dinner at "La Caridad"-- a Chino-Latino joint on 78th street that we used to eat at regularly when we lived in the neighborhood. It was just like old times. He and I always end up in such intensely involved conversations that we never have time to finish. We took the M104 all the way back to the East Side, though, so that gave us a good additional 45 minutes to talk. Then he headed to his girlfriend's place and I came home. I talked to NDN on the phone for a while but in general, I was wiped out and hit the sheets by midnight.

On Saturday I cleaned my house and did work before heading to English's party. On the way there, I got that call from Narc. Fuck, fuck fuck! (I also couldn't help but remember English's birthday party last year. We met in the afternoon at Bowlmor Lanes. I had slept at Narc's the night before and left him some "breakup" letter telling him it was over because he treats me "like a call girl." So much for that...) In any event, I ended up having a really good time at the party. We met at Brandy's Piano Bar on the Upper East Side. I stopped by Cheers for a drink or two before heading out, but even so-- I was the first one there, aside from English. It was a nice place--very casual and cozy feeling. I hate the swankier clubs and lounges in NY, and English has a tendency to go for those, so I was grateful for her choice. They have an open mic and so I ended up singing a rather sultry version of Can't Help Lovin' That Man of Mine-- an old favorite. For most the evening, I ended up talking to BigSis and as I was drinking too much, I blabbed way too much to her about my life. I think I even slipped up and mentioned the Narc-masturbation incident. (Yes, the group topic of discussion had turned to masturbation.) She was alarmed and said that she wanted to "kill him."

"There's no point," I said. "We're not seeing each other anymore."

I sincerely hope she forgets about the whole thing. (Please, please, please!!! I can't handle my Jekyll/Hyde compartments getting crossed! )

BigSis and Bro-in-Law headed home around 1:00 am or so. (They're more the "happy-hour" type than the "after-hours" type!) Soon enough, only English, my sister's friend, AGrub, and I were left. At about 2:30 am we decided we were hungry so we went to a local diner and ate plates of cheese-fries. I was in a drunk and chatty mood and disclosed way too much information to them about my private life as well. Shit! I can only hope that everyone was drunk enough that they didn't take it too seriously. English is a big drinker herself, so she may not even remember. Sometime before 3:00 am, AGrub and I shared a cab home. (He lives a few blocks from me).

Surprise, surprise, but Hyde was not yet ready to turn in for the night! Instead, I headed back to Cheers and drank some more to finish it off. Two of the FourthFloorGirls were there again, and I hung out with them. I also saw FightingMensch, but I think our days of fraternizing, in general, are through. (He has been freaking me out a little with the "fighting" thing, and I think he thinks I'm crazy, but that's just fine with me). It was finally home and to bed just after 4:00 am.

Yesterday I spent most of the day "in recovery." I met B for lunch and afterwards we strolled through Dag Hammarskjold Plaza. We found a beautiful little garden with a fish pond, a fountain and a statue of Mary, tucked in next to the Holy Family Roman Catholic Church. We hung out there and talked for a while, watching the cutest chubbiest little sparrows shake their feathers in the birdbath. Eventually I headed home and went up to the roof to see NDN. (He was up there reading). For the rest of the afternoon, I cleaned a little, did some reading, and went grocery shopping. Last night NDN popped by to smoke a cigar and watch Curb Your Enthusiasm.

He wants to go in drag for Halloween but went shopping yesterday afternoon and had some trouble finding an appropriate outfit. I suggested that he raid my closet for something, and he agreed. It was quite a scene. We spent an hour or so finding him an ensemble. We started to laugh because, seeing him in my clothes, he kind of looked like me-- especially when he put on the long black wig. We had to complete the transformation. I did his makeup in dramatic-Hyde fashion. It was crazy-- he was "Hyde," ready for a night out on the town. It was too funny. Now he's going to go as "Hyde" for Halloween.

This morning I woke up early and did the unthinkable-- I actually exercised. Let's see if I can keep it up. I'm trying to be optimistic becasue tonight is the first night of Rosh Hashanah, and I could really use a "New Year" right about now.

So--Happy New Year everyone!

-H-