This One's for the Boys: Part I

My house is very messy. It's sunny outside, but a think layer of crunchy snow still lines the window sills and I can feel the cold radiating through the double glass walls of my apartment. In any case, the list of what I want to blog about it expanding so rapidly I figured that if I didn't write something substantial today, some of it would be lost forever to memory. But god, do I have a lot to write about. I think I may only get through half of Thursday in this post! Maybe I'll get a second one up today later in the afternoon.

So here I go...

First an overview of my week, so you can follow my chronology:

Thurs, Jan 5th: Got back from Argentina, had a fucked up night and blacked out
Fri, Jan 6th: Went to the opera with B
Sat, Jan 7th: Met Narc for drinks; Went out that evening with the Stallion
Sun, Jan 8th: Down-time
Mon, Jan 9th: Narc met me in midtown, we stayed up on "medicine." I slept at his place
Tues, Jan 10th: Narc visited me mid-afternoon and slept at my place

And that's where I'll take you to first-- Tuesday, January 10th.

Narc and I had parted ways that morning. I rolled out of bed and headed to the college to administer a makeup exam. I was on such little sleep that afterwards I came home and crawled into bed. Narc called me at around 4:00.

"I'm on the Upper East, leaving analysis," he said. "Mind if I come over?"

"Sure!"

We basically just bummed around for the rest of the evening. We ordered in Italian food, watched Terminator on TV and made microwave popcorn. He told me that he needed to educate me in '80's action movies. At some point in our conversation, I told him I thought I would make a good "trucker."

"I could just drive all day long," I said. "I could listen to music and then on my breaks hang out at dives and brood."

"Have you ever seen the Stallone movie Over the Top?" he asked. "It's an awful movie, but I think you'd laugh. Stallone plays an arm-wrestling trucker. And in the film, arm-wrestling is a major sport."

I laughed just thinking of it.

"I'll have to check it out some time."

That night, I was tired and wanted to go to bed early. We watched The Daily Show together in my living room. He wanted to watch Conan after that, but I wanted to go to bed.

"We can watch it in bed," I said. "I have a TV in the other room."

He agreed. This was strange for me. It's a routine I had with B-- The Daily Show and then to bed. B would always stay awake watching TV while I would fall asleep on his chest. And now there was Narc. There we snuggled, after a late night snack in my house, watching my TV, in my bed. I have no words to describe to you guys how it all felt so simultaneously perfect and wrong.

Wednesday, January 11th:

The next morning I had to call my therapist (she's in Switzerland for a few months) and Narc wanted to make it a work day, so he left by 9:15. It was a really productive therapy for me. I realized that everything with Narc is hopelessly tied to B. A lot of it is projection, I think--one enormous repetition compulsion in an attempt to triumph over B's rejection. I can't lose this thing with Narc. Sometimes that alone seems to be my motivation and I robotically act on that insanely overpowering drive.

Afterwards I had plans to meet B for lunch at a small Filipino joint on First Avenue. I brought up what I had been discussing in therapy. And I know you all want to know what went down between me and B, but as he's an extremely private person, I don't feel comfortable relaying our conversation or our conflict in all its detail. (Besides, it didn't come to a head until Saturday afternoon). The bottom line was this-- B and I broke up three and a half years ago. He's had another girlfriend for about a year. But in spite of that, he's still my "primary," and I'm still his "primary." Of course this causes problems for him and his girlfriend (who shall be referred to as "Drippy.")

As she once commented to him: You and Hyde are like an old married couple and I'm the third wheel!

"B! What did you answer her?"

"Nothing. She was right."

So there's the problem. We agreed that we both had a lot of thinking to do and that if either of us ever wants to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship, we need to transition out of such a co-dependent tangled unresolved mess with each other.

"I feel like I'm enabling you," he said. "Enabling you by catching you when you fall no matter how you try to self-destruct and by giving you enough support that what N offers is okay for you to accept."

(Hammer said something similar to me a few months ago-- that B is all the emotional support and love and friendship from a relationship so it makes it okay to accept just the sex and excitement from N).

Anyway, you guys get the point...

That evening I had my first choir rehearsal since December. We were working on the Ode to Joy which thrilled the hell out of me. It was exhilarating.

Later that night, I headed out to Cheers. I bumped into a new neighbor at the elevator. He lives on the other side of NDN. He was all scruffy in an open-chested bathrobe on his way up to the roof for a smoke. He stopped to talk to me and we had a strange conversation. He was sort of "posturing."

At Cheers it was one of the regulars' birthday-- a guy I'll call Manwich. As such, there were a lot of shots going around. I saw KHill and FightingMensch and Duff and the gang. That place is becoming a stock-broker's paradise. PumpedUp's cousin who bartends on Sundays had just passed his exam to join their ranks. I was so embarrassed though. Especially in front of KHill. The last time I had seen him before that was on Saturday night when I was there sucking face with the Stallion.

It made me think of all that stuff about "feminism" that has been circulating in blogland. I mean, how come KHill can walk up to me as a complete stranger in September and tell me

"If I had a million dollars I'd impregnate you...You'd let me come inside, right?"

and then a few months later, whip it out in the street and ask me if I'm going to "suck it," before pissing on my hand and he's not embarrassed to see me at all. I, on the other hand, show up and kiss a guy I've known for years and I have to feel like slut in front of those boys. The double standards were oppressive that night. KHill had plenty of opportunities to come over to talk to me, but he didn't. It fucking sucks.

Anyway, IrishBird and I gossiped for a bit. She told me she had been set up in October by the cops who sent underage drinkers into the bar. It was the Red-Faced-Lawyer (another regular) who had to get her off the hook. She also told me that when I had been there on Saturday with the Stallion, that she kept telling him to "look after me."

"What did he say???" I demanded.

"Oh, he was sort of offended, Hyde. He kept saying 'What? Of course!' and stuff like that... As for N," she went on, "I know you love him, dear, but I'd stay away. He's going to do you real harm one of these days."

Anyway, that was Wednesday night. I went home alone at a relatively decent hour.

Thursday, January 12th:

Thursday was a work day for me. I worked like a dog all day long. That evening I had dinner plans with my friend, Nipkins. (If you recall, it was her birthday party to which I brought the Stallion the Saturday before.)

That night I was back at Cheers. I was in brooding mode. Despite the joviality all around me, I sat at the bar furiously scribbling in my journal, my eyes shaded, drinking alone. I saw a girl there-- a new girl I met this week, Arachnid. She's a bartender at another nearby bar and she's friends with BarMan. She just started hanging out at Cheers on her off-time. She seems like a pretty cool girl--knits for a hobby and used to live in France. Anyway, between my scowls, I made a little conversation with her.

A few hours into the night, another girl pulled up a barstool besides me.

"I've met you here before!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, really? Well, I come here a lot," I said.

"Yeah... I wanted to ask you though, were you at Revival on Saturday night?"

"What? Yes! It was my friend's birthday there that night!"

"I knew it was you!" she squealed. "I was with my boyfriend, and I was like: 'Look! It's that girl from karaoke!' We saw you up at the bar when you were ordering drinks, but then you disappeared."

"Well, we were in the upstairs room for a party. That's so weird," I said.

Just then, her friend came over to join us-- a tall guy with sandy brown hair and glasses.

"Hyde, right?" he sat down. "Short for HXXXX?" (Don't know how else to write that without giving away my given-name).

"Um, yes... Have we met?"

"Double-T," he said. "I met you here a few months ago. Don't you remember?"

"Um... I'm not sure. I'm here a lot, so..."

"Well, I couldn't forget you," he said. "You sing opera, right? And teach over on the West Side?"

"That's right! Wow. I'm impressed!"

"Well, I have a little confession to make," he began. "The last time I met you I really liked you, so when I got home I scribbled down everything I could remember that you said about yourself. I gave you my card. If you don't mind my asking, you said that you'd call me but you never did. Could I ask why not?"

"Your card? What's your last name?"

He told me.

Suddenly it dawned on me. He has a funny sounding name (each initial beginning with a "T") and I remembered seeing his card on my kitchen counter back in October one drunk night with N over.

"Who's Double-T?" Narc had asked at the time.

"No clue," I had said.

And I meant it. I must have been so drunk that night that I blacked out... or it all blurred together.

Anyway, I apologized to him for having said I would call and then not following through. We talked for quite some time. He's 35, grew up in Vermont and works in Broadcasting. He seemed like a sweet guy (if not a little dorky), but he also seemed a little "digital" for me, if that makes any sense. He went to film school but I couldn't see the artist in him. He was a self-described "practical" person. Who knows, though, maybe I could do well with someone a little more open and a little more "light."

Just after midnight I got a text from Narc.

At B&B. Up?

Ugh! I wanted to write back right away, but I was talking to Double-T. IrishBird came round so I showed her the text. She rolled her eyes.

"What's that about?" Double-T asked.

I told him flat out a very sanitized version of my N-saga. I was drunk, and besides, who cares what he thinks, right?

"At the risk of sounding cheesy, you deserve better," he said.

I didn't answer the text.

At little while later, N called me. I took the phone with me into the bathroom so I could answer.

"I thought I'd come up to Cheers," he said.

"Um, no! Don't come here. I'm with some people, and we're leaving soon. Let me come to you."

"When, Hyde?"

"Soon. Um, I'll call you really soon, okay?"

I went back out to talk to Double-T.

At around 1:00, his friends wanted to go. I was feeling pretty drunk. He suggested that they go without him and that he stay with me. I didn't want that. I would feel responsible to hang out with him, and maybe even make out with him, and besides, I wanted to see Narc.

"I should get going myself," I said. "I've had a lot to drink. I need to call it quits."

"Can I at least walk you home?" he asked. "Are you going to call me tomorrow?"

"To be honest, you better call me," I said. "Let me put my number in your phone."

After that, he ran to the restroom. While he was gone another boy slid into his seat.

"Hyde!"

I looked up. It was DET, a guy I met back in October. He lives in my building on the Third floor. I had invited him to my birthday party, but he never showed up.

"I owe you a huge apology, Hyde! I'm sorry I didn't make it after I said I would!"

He threw his arms around me.

"That's okay... really."

"You should come to a little get together I'm having next Friday! Will I see you there?"

"Well, DET, I really can't accept a drunk invitation. Why don't you call me and invite me properly?"

"Do I have your number?"

"Let me put it in your phone."

Just as I was doing so, Double-T returned from the bathroom. How awkward! Just as I was giving another guy my phone number! (Of course, I have no interest in DET, nor he in me. It's just a neighborly thing...)

I tried to do damage control and introduced DET to Double-T as my neighbor. It seemed to be okay. I grabbed my coat and Double-T and I set off for the door.

He walked me back to the building lobby and leaned in to give me a kiss. The kiss was okay. I mean, he was drunk and relaxed so he was a decent kisser. I bid him goodbye and raced upstairs, calling Narc back on the way.

"I'll be there in half an hour!" I said.

"Hyde! That's too long!" he was drunk.

"Narc, enough. You know it takes me at least half an hour to get there in a cab no matter what I do, so give me a break!"

I threw some things into a bag at my place and raced back down to the street, taking care to avoid the windows in front of Cheers, lest I be seen by Double-T.

And I was off!

For the rest of my story, you'll just have to wait. I have to jump in the shower and I have lots of work to do. But, like I said-- perhaps more later in the afternoon...

-H-

Jack's Back!

I know that I have plenty more to post about is, but still no time for a "real" post just yet. In any case, tonight marks the return of something near and dear to my heart-- 24 is back!!!


The last time we saw Kiefer he was here-- heading off into the sunset.




So, no more "24 nights" with B, but tonight I'll be at the Wizard's, watching Jack's return with him and Hammer.

-h-

Miserable

I feel miserably depressed right now. I don't even have the energy to lift my chest high enough to get in a good enough breath. B and I are no longer speaking. He is no longer my friend, and I know I can be dramatic, but this has to be for real. I'm not mad at him; he's not mad at me. We just can't make it work anymore.

I spent the past two days almost entirely with Narc. I have a date tonight in an hour and a half. Narc knows about the date.

"I don't want to go," I said.

"No, Hyde! You should go," he told me. "It's always good to meet new people."

I hate him.

I came home and NDN rang my bell. He was drunk. He gave me a really sweet hug. He smelled like his leather jacket. Then he bit me on the neck through my sweatshirt and punched my shoulder. I laughed. (Yes, we're strange... What was it his mom said? Oh yes... "Hyde is UNIQUE.")

I do have so very much to say about the past few days, but I can't dwell on it all right now. I have to pull myself together, scarf down a jack daniels and get to the West Side. I need to be more future oriented.

Fuck it.

-h-

PS: N just sent me a text. We left his apartment together and he was on his way to the bookstore.

Found my book, he writes. "Think and Grow Rich!"

Figures...

More to Come

I have so much to tell you guys, but no time to do it right now! But so far, my adventures over the past few days have included:

1.) Coming to a revelation about my relationship with B
2.)Meeting a new guy-- I have a date this weekend!
3.) Narc puking in a bar
4.) Very (very) exciting bad-girl sex w/ Narc. (I know... more than you need to know, but I can't contain myself).
5.) Going to an amateur boxing match in a church basement with NDN.

It's 11:00 pm and I'm still in my clothes from last night. I'm totally sex-grimy and stuffed from the Korean food I just ate with NDN. I'm about to pack a bag and head back to Narc's.

And the weekend is just beginning!

-h-

Behind in Time

I'm way behind with my work.

It's all due to the transit strike, the fact that my finals got pushed off and administered when I was in Argentina, and the fact that I only got back to grade them a week ago. But still... I got a call from the departmental secretary yesterday admonishing me. I have so much on my mind to post about, but I can't indulge in blogging right now. I have to immediately resume grading.

I shouldn't have drank last night.

I'm going to start a "diet" today. NDN and I both agreed to go on one upon our return from Argentina. He's already started; I haven't. But any real diet will have to mean cutting down on the drinking. And I'm pissed off at myself enough right now to seriously contemplate doing it. I mean, for real-- I have hours of shitty monotonous work in front of me and I already slept in two hours later than I wanted to and now I'm awake and feeling dizzy with a headache.

Not good.

What do I really want to be posting about? Beethoven's Ode to Joy (which I spent a few hours rehearsing last night) and the notion of "surrender" (which, based on a conversation that we had yesterday, has transformed the way I think about B... I mean, Narc... I mean, B). I'll have to be patient on that one though.

Besides, if I really cut down on the drinking, I'll have plenty of late night hours to blog, right?

Okay, off to drink some red bull now and to pull myself together.

lol,

H

Old Ice Cream

Don't know if this will be as funny to you as it was to me if you're not a bourgeois 20-something-year-old living in New York City, but I couldn't stop laughing, so check it out:

SNL Narnia Rap

In other news, Narc came over my place yesterday afternoon even though we had just parted that morning. Later in the evening he wanted ice cream. We walked over to the deli and bought him a container of Ben & Jerry's. When he went to put it away in the freezer, he was met with a surprise.

"What? You already have ice cream here! Why didn't you tell me?" he exclaimed.

"Um, Narc... Don't eat that. It's been there since June."

"June? Come on, Hyde! Then you should throw it out already!"

"No, thanks. I don't want to."

"So you're just going to leave it in there forever?"

"Yes, that's right. Forever."

What he doesn't know is that it is his ice cream from June 9th-- the night he stayed over here before he took me to the hospital. I didn't tell him that though.

I know... I'm a little crazy.

But more on his visit and all that later. Gotta get back to grading.

-h-

What's Wrong With Hyde

Here's what's wrong with Hyde:

1.) She works very hard on Monday and gets tired
2.) She goes home and reads Narc's post and is sad/mad/exasperated/frustrated/hurt/devastated/confused/cynically confirmed/bothered/heartbroken.
3.) She decides to go to Cheers to get over the feelings listed above
4.) She starts the night low-key, having a great time, doing the crossword with BarMan.
5.) She starts to get drunk (after about 10, yes--10! drinks or so. BarMan suggests they go head to head sometime.)
6.) She's still having a good time, hanging with BarMan, ThursdayGirl, NDN, FightingMensch and Masseuse (FightingMensch's new girl).
7.) She stays out later than she knows she should
8.) She goes home to get her pictures to show ThursdayGirl and does a few lines.
9.) She shifts bars with the Cheers-crew once Cheers closes up
10.) She gets drunk and loses all judgment
11.) She misses Narc and texts him
12.) He calls her back and she invites him to come and meet her (all the while knowing her friends don't want that).
13.) She insists he come to her and when he does, she gets all "lovey" with him. (She is foolishly happy.)
14.) She insists they spend the night together, even though he wants to go all the way back to Tribeca
15.) She agrees to go to his place, but he wants some "medicine." She runs home to pick up some things and stuffs a small bag of "medicine" and a razor in her bra.
16.) She goes to Tribeca with Narc, forgetting her purse.
17.) She stays up talking with him until after 6:00 am.
18.) She tells him that she now realizes they're more different than she ever imagined before. (He disagrees and says "we're NOT so different, Hyde!" She insists that they are, believing it more and more each day.)
19.) She tells Narc that his problem with "atonality" is that he looks at everything aesthetically and not politically/historically. (They get in a big fight about Wagner again).
20.) She plays "If I Loved You" for him off her IPod but then regrets having exposed herself so greatly.
21.) She strips off her clothes and crawls into bed with him, letting him hold her and clinging to him madly.
22.) She falls asleep in his arms, only under the provision that he set a very loud alarm to go off three hours later.
23.) She wakes up with him and feels no regret... Well, some regret... Well, no regret.
24.) She thinks of what NDN said-- "If you see him, you're delusional, Hyde."
25.) She scrambles out of bed and borrows some money to take a cab back to her apartment.
26.) She is grateful to see that she left her purse at her house, after all, and not at the bar.
27.) She cleans up her nose, sprays some perfume on, brushes her teeth and her hair and applies a quick coat of mascara and lip gloss.
28.) She hops in a cab to the college to give her students a makeup exam
29.) She arrives in her office and waits.
30.) She realizes all of her students have chosen the second option-- to take the exam on Thursday.
31.) She realizes she doesn't need to be in her office after all and wishes she were still in bed with Narc. She doesn't know what to do with herself.

And then she remembers his stupid blog.

"I enabled the comments," he said last night. "You should totally comment on the opera-post, Hyde."

"I haven't read your post on that yet," she said.

"Oh, well you should."

Why the fuck should I? Because it was written with me in mind.

The end.

My First Appearance

Okay-- two posts in one day. I hope that doesn't mean you won't all go back and read my weekend drama about the Stallion. But in any event, I just had to throw this post up. Some of you may laugh at this, but do you know that I have never once been mentioned on Narc's blog? That is, until now... I have officially made my first appearance.

Narc put up an entire post about his night at the opera with PopStarChick, including an analysis of the opera and a discussion of their date. As he puts it, she was "rather ravishing-looking, in her low-cut black dress." Am I jealous? Well, yes. Do I have a right to be? Well, I think so... right?

What I found interesting-- Narc's interpretation of the title character:

"A small, slight, hunched over, meek, rather subdued, rather beaten down sort of man. One with an overbearing wife (hence his need to support her, lest he deal with her berating), a sneering captain, and a mad doctor. (And no friends.)"

See, and I thought the murdered wife was more of a victim than that...
Hmmm...

He goes on to say:

And, honestly (I'm going to get shot for this, but what the hell...), though this production has received some simply rave reviews, I just wasn't convinced, wasn't moved--and in the end, though the conductor was amazing (my friend Opera Chick--who also, coincidently, attended the same performance I was at--rightfully pointed out the microsecond-perfect timing on this one particular crescendo which even I, with my untrained ear, caught), and the man who played Wozzeck himself had an incredible voice, it just. Was. NOT. Wozzeck.

So, there you have it. I guess I'm "Opera Chick." Huh.

He continues:

Afterwards, we hit a seafood restaurant across the street. More champagne, a dozen oysters, and a few other tasty tidbits as well. Topics of conversation: "What did we think of the opera?" (from both of us); "You really should wear more suits like that, they look great on you... Very 'country gentleman'..." (from her, in reference to my tweed Ralph Lauren three-piece); "Hmm...! Perhaps I should indeed then, leave Manhattan one day soon and, somewhere upstate, assume the look and mannerisms inherent in that of a country gentleman's lifestyle, a la the classic Ralph Lauren ad...!" (from me, in response to the suit observation); "Man, we really need to make a lot of money. Soon..." (from both of us); and, finally (again, from both of us), "Chocolate mousse and Marble cake? Hmm...!!" (We went with the mousse.)

We made our way back downtown after that (though not before stopping at Sortie for a brief bit to see a friend of mine, A, who'd just come in from LA the night before), and I must say, when I finally got home (after dropping her in the West Village), I think I was asleep before I hit the bed. Perhaps this "Wozzeck" had taken more out of me than I'd realized...? Then again, perhaps it was just the oysters, chocolate, and champagne. And mousse.

(Hmm... Then what was up with the two 2:00 am phone calls to me?)

He writes:

One thing is certain: the next time we hit the opera (soon!! She and I shall make a point of it), we're talkin' sweeping staircases and lavish chandeliers my friends... Perhaps a bit of Mozart? Something simple. Something nice. Tonality debates aside, If I'm not humming it throughout the rest of the night, God knows something just isn't right...

He concludes his post with a few photos of her modeling in the coat-check room.

I've been begging him to go back to the opera with me (after having been stood up) for a year now. The two of them just want to get rich. I have to remember my New Year's resolution about values.

Damn it.

I need to hit Cheers in an hour or two. It's been a long day.

-h-

Back on the Stallion

This weekend I hardly did anything productive, although I feel thoroughly squared away to start an intense workday today. It wasn't helped by the fact that all I did Thursday and Friday was lay around the house in tears about Narc, until the opera Friday night. Saturday was a lot more of the same.

As I already told you, I texted the Stallion to invite him out to Nipkins' party. He accepted, but wanted to "pick me up." I wanted to avoid the "pick-up" because I was sure it was a code for pre-party sex. I hadn't seen him since May. He told me, in early May, that he "loves me," right around the same time as I was getting "back together" with N. So I stopped seeing him in order to avoid the whole issue. (I wrote about that last meeting here.) This time I didn't want to stumble into any kind of uncomfortable situation, so I told him upfront that I didn't want to have sex. I set about watching Annie and applying my makeup. At around 6:00pm, the phone rang.

It was Narc's number that came up on my cell phone and my stomach tightened. I ignored the call. My land line rang. I sat frozen in my chair, eyeshadow brush in hand. I pricked my ears. He was leaving another message, although I couldn't hear what he was saying. I was in my bedroom and the machine went off in the living room. (Incidentally, I love the way his voice sounds, but whatever...) I waited a few more minutes, still glued to the floor. Finally, the tension started to dissipate. I warily picked up my cell to check the message. He was in the neighborhood, he said. He had just finished dinner with some friends and had another party to go to later that night, but he wanted to know if I had any time to meet up for a drink in the meanwhile.

I did battle with myself for about three seconds before calling him back. (I know, I know... Not too impressive). I told him that I could only see him until 8:00. I figured that should give me ample time to get home after our meeting and put on my finishing touches before the Stallion's arrival at 9:30. Narc and I agreed to meet at Cheers.

When I got there, the place looked empty. Peering through the window, I could see BarMan alone at the counter working on a crossword. I tried the door.

"Hey, Hyde!" he greeted me.

"Are you guys even open?" I asked.

"Yeah, we opened about twenty minutes ago."

"Hard to tell! What time do you open on Saturdays, these days?"

"It all depends," he laughed. "Just text me, if you want to know, and I'll tell you. I always open the place. Or check the football schedule. We usually open for a game."

I perched myself at the bar and ordered a glass of red wine, chatting with BarMan about my trip, his upcoming vacation to Punta Cana and my plans for the evening. I explained that I was meeting Narc to show him pictures but would be seeing the Stallion later and had to avoid being pressured into a sex. He laughed and shook his head.

Soon enough, Narc arrived. The only others to have joined us in the bar up to that point were FightingMensch and the girl he has recently been hanging out with. FightingMensch didn't look at N or say anything. I set about showing N the pictures from my trip. He seemed gloomy and I tried to cheer him up.

"At least one of us had a lot to do over the holidays," he said.

"You did a lot of blogging," I pointed out.

"Yeah, that's because I didn't do anything else."

Then our talk turned to the opera. I asked N if PopStarChick enjoyed it-- if she liked her birthday present.

"Yeah, she liked it." He paused. "Your present is on its way. It took a little difficulty to arrange, but it should be here in a few days to a few weeks."

I smiled, unsure of what to think or say.

Neither he nor PopStarChick really loved the opera, though. Narc didn't like the minimalist sets, and I don't think he quite expected the Weimar-nihilism. The play that he performed in college was Büchner's original-- imbued with much more of a 19th century liberal message than that to be found in Berg's interpretation. We talked about that for a while, and I defended the opera. I didn't want to be talking about PopStarChick, though. Narc told me she had been a classically trained pianist in Russia, that she knew all about classical music and that she was trying to remember the name of her favorite opera.

"Something...Igor," he said.

"Prince Igor," I answered. "It's Borodin."

Neither of them knew who James Levine was, either, (which in NY kind of precludes you from any sort of status as an opera buff), so she couldn't be that into classical music. Besides, I wanted to change the subject.

Later Narc told me that he had lost 10 pounds while I was away.

"Really? How'd you manage that?"

"Well, you were gone and CouchSleeper is in Ireland, so I really didn't do much drinking," he said. "I lost both my drinking buddies."

(Is that what I am?)

"Good for you," I said. "So, when are we going to have a 'real' hang-out, N?"

"I don't know. I don't want to go binge drinking, though. It would have to be a bottle of wine at home or something low key."

"That's totally fine! Since when have I insisted on going out drinking?"

"I don't know. We always just seem to wind up at the Patriot, or something."

"Yeah, but that's because you sleep in all day and then you want to get out of the house at midnight and there's nowhere else to go."

Our conversation went on for a while, about many different things. I found myself getting tipsy and I started trying to explain to Narc my Nostalgia post on the old "Annals." I wanted to tell him how this year I was resolved to to rid myself of illusions; how my New Year's resolution is to surround myself with people I respect, people who respect others around them, people who respect me-- generous people. He agreed that it was a good idea. I wonder if he understood at all what I meant. I tried to tell him how I wanted to stop making the effort to "dissolve" myself. I tried to talk to him about my "creative sublimation" vs. "love" theory. I felt like I was babbling, though.

By now it was after 8:00, and I had to go. N said that he had some time to kill and was going to head to a Starbucks on the West Side. On the street corner, I asked him for a hug.

"Yeah, sure," he said.

I gave him the most tremendous hug I could muster. He always awakens such incredible nurturing feelings in me. It's maddening. Once we had parted, I sent him a text.

It was really nice to see you. I missed you... I wrote.

He wrote back:

You too! Glad you enjoyed your trip. Will hang soon.

Back at my place, I finished getting ready, but the more I thought about it, the more I was sure it was a bad idea to have the Stallion come to my place. I decided to head back to Cheers and have him meet me there. BarMan laughed to see me back so soon. I ordered another drink and waited it out. Later, KHill arrived. I greeted him with a smile.

At long last the Stallion came through the door. When he saw me, he grabbed me, picking me up and kissed me. That guy radiates energy and fun, and I remembered again why I liked him to begin with.

We stayed at Cheers for a few more drinks. I was getting drunk much earlier in the evening than I would have liked. We also made out quite a bit at the bar, something I try not to do in front of the other "regulars," like KHill and FightingMensch and PumpedUp. But, oh well... What can you do? They had just seen me there with Narc, and then back with a second date, so I'm sure they all think I'm a promiscuous nutcase, but then again, I think they all thought that already. And I know that I'm not... (We were being kind of gross with the PDA, though...)

The Stallion and I progressed from there down to Nipkins' party. He kept going on about how much he missed me, and put his hands around my waist. The best thing about that guy is that he can get along famously with just about anyone. I didn't have to worry about him at all at the party as he made conversation with all of my old college friends as if he had known them for years.

At around 11:00 or so, NDN stopped by the party with his friend JC and JC's girlfriend. They didn't stay very long, as JC and his girlfriend are in from out of town and were exhausted. Upon leaving, NDN sent me the text, "I love the Stallion!" (If you want to know why, you'll have to ask him. But as NDN put it to me last June-- "too bad he's a sodomizing adulterer!") We stayed at the party for quite some time-- until I was drunk enough to have lost track of time. After that, the Stallion wanted to head over to Rudy's on the West Side, where some of his friends work. I was hesitant because it was a Rudy's bartender who assaulted me in the hallway of my building in November, 2004 (I don't think I ever told that story here). But the Stallion promised me that if that guy were there, we could leave right away.

At some point in the move between Revival and Rudy's, the Stallion brought up our Thursday night conversation-- the one that I have absolutely no recollection of.

"It made me sad, Hyde," he said. "Sad that you said you feel you can't trust me."

I said that to HIM? What???

"Well, you know..."

I didn't know what to say. I was just shocked that I had been so honest. Why do I feel hesitant around him physically? Some of you may not have been reading as far back as the early spring, so I'll give you a brief update.

(Well, first of all, if you want to know how I even met the Stallion in 2000, (and had a sordid hook-up with him and a friend of his) a few years back, I told that story here.)

The background: I bumped into the Stallion again in Summer '04, but he was just visiting NY, living in CA at the time with his girlfriend. Despite his relationship-status, we had a 2-3 week fling. It was right around the time that I first met Narc. That Fall, the Stallion returned to California.

In late February, Narc and I had a falling out and stopped talking to each other. Coincidentally, the Stallion moved back to NY to take care of his sick mother right about the same time.

We started hooking up. Then, one night in March we went to a party. He claims that I made out with other guys in front of him and his friend. I blacked out, so I don't know for sure what happened, but I highly doubt that I did that. Plus, I asked Anxious about it, as she was there, and she says I did nothing of the sort. (I wrote about that in my post Falling off the Stallion.) So, in my mind there was something fishy about the Stallion trying to manipulate me by using my black-outs against me.

After that, the next time I saw him, he was incredibly sexually rough with me, as if he wanted to "punish" me, not just in play, but for real. It scared the shit out of me and he ripped up my throat. (I wrote about that in my post: Ouch!)

The next time I saw him, in late April, he was apologetic. We had a great night until I got an unexpected call from Narc (with whom I wasn't really speaking at the time). Narc ended up coming to my apartment while the Stallion was still there. I told the Stallion to stay in my bedroom and I slept with Narc on the couch. It was incredibly crazy. I wrote about that here. The next day, I was sure the Stallion would be no longer speaking to me. I called him to apologize for my appalling behavior. He quickly forgave me.

I saw him once more in very early May. It was then that he told me that he's "in love" with me. But by that point, Narc and I had started seeing each other again. I didn't want the complication of the Stallion, so I dropped him.

I spoke to him on the phone once or twice since then, but hadn't seen him again until this weekend.

So, anyway, the reason I didn't trust him physically was because of the sexually brutal encounter we had that one time. Although, in all fairness to him, he didn't seem to realize how he had hurt me. At least, so he says.

This Saturday, at Rudy's he went on some more about how he "loves me."

"But, Stallion, you have a girlfriend!" I kept protesting. (One that he's been with for over five years, no less!)

He didn't seem to take that into account.

I can't say that I remember the very end of the night. I told him I wanted to go back to Cheers, and so we did. N texted me at around 12:30 am:

Still out? At friend's party in Soho, but leaving soon.

My response:

Not home yet...

I did text him again, when I got home (at around 3:00 am) to see if he was still awake, but he was not.

After the Stallion and I parted ways, he sent me a text as well:

Love you, he said.

Wow.

That's all I have to say about that.

In the meanwhile, I have that guy from the Patriot still texting me. What a can of worms I opened while in blackout-mode Thursday night! I'm hoping that enough ignoring will send the right message his way.

On Sunday I wasted much of the day puttering around my house. B and I met for lunch and had a nice talk over steaming bowls of soup. Later that evening I met my parents. They were in the city for an afternoon at the theater and afterwards we dined at a little Italian place. I showed them the pictures from my trip and gave them their souvenirs. My mom was especially thrilled with a Limoge piece I got her in the antiques district. NDN and I laughed about the pictures I removed from the pile before showing them to my parents-- I removed all those of booze, cigarettes, and sexy-shots of NDN. (And there were a lot of those!)

In terms of everything with N, I'm still not convinced that there is any hope for us, so I'm going to have to find a way to get this out of my life. The only question is how. It's too much for me to work out at this very moment. Besides, I've got more practical matters on the mind today.

Today I'm spending the day in my office catching up on grading. Boy, do I have a shitload of work to do! So, now that my story is told, I better get back to it!

Later...

-h

Leapin' Lizards!

Leapin' Lizards! Annie is on TV! Annie was only my absolute favorite movie throughout the earliest years of my life. I wanted to be Annie and would prance around with red curls, red velvet dress and all. So I'm happy with it right now.

As for the rest, today has been a day of eventful text-messaging. I still haven't called N back and am proud of myself for whatever little self-restraint that it shows.

The Stallion, however, is another story. After he wrote to me asking if he could "pick me up," I wrote him back the following:

Not sure yet where I'll be coming from. Will text you later...

I didn't want him to come here, because I didn't want to let myself fall into bed with him. (I can be quite a pushover in that department. It's the "people-pleaser" in me). I went next door to NDN's (to swap duty free items) and asked his advice. Above all, I hate girls that are a "tease." I guess you could call it a pet peeve. I absolutely abhor "big talkers" and flirts who don't follow through. I don't know why... So I asked NDN if I would be misleading the Stallion to invite him out without wanting the sex.

"Well, yes. Because sex is all that there is between you guys," he said.

So, with his guidance, I decided to write the Stallion back again. This was bold beyond belief for me! I said:

Look-- Would love to see you tonight, but feel a little strange b/c I don't want to have sex...

I didn't hear back from him for quite some time.

In the meanwhile, I also had an MG correspondence to deal with. Don't get me wrong-- I'm not really interested in the Stallion or in MG, and I really only truly want Narc, but Narc has made it abundantly clear that I can't have him. So in the interest of prepping myself to rid myself of my Narc-addiction, I'm shifting some boys from the back-burner to the front. I had texted MG in my drunken exploits "What's up?" on Thursday night. He responded on Friday morning:

Holidays were very busy. How are you?

This afternoon I decided to reply:

I'm good. Was in Argentina. Wanna meet up sometime next week?

His answer: Sure. Argentina. Huh. You'll have to tell me all about it.

So, we'll have to see where that goes.

In the meanwhile, back to the Stallion. A few hours after I sent the bold "no sex" message, I got a reply. He wrote:

Look, let's not complicate things. We have not seen each other in a long time. I miss you a lot. Let's just go out and have a fantastic time. We always have! Ok, damn text messaging is hard. I will pick you up at 9:30 with a wonderful smile, great company and flowers.

Wow. So the Stallion is courting me! What the Fuck? He is so smooth. Embedded in that text, I could still see some positioning for sex, and I didn't know what else to say after I had been so plain. So I didn't say anything. Instead, I set about doing the dishes. Mid pan-scrub, he called me. I picked up.

"Hey, beautiful!" he greeted me. "Did you get my texts?"

"Um, yeah... I got them. I just... I mean, I'm feeling a little strange and all because..."

"Because you're Hyde?"

"I know. I'm sorry," I said. "I know I can get sort of intense."

"Sort of intense?!?" he exclaimed. "More like incredibly, insanely intense! But that's okay. I've come to expect that from you and I can deal with it. It's cool. It's you. And I love you just the way you are."

"Yeah, well thanks."

(I don't know if it's coming across here, but this was one of the most awkward conversations I've had yet!)

"So, can I pick you up?" he asked.

"I guess... As long as we're clear. I mean, I just have a lot going on in my head and I don' t want to complicate things for myself any more than they already are. So, I really can't..."

"Can I give you big hug and a kiss, at least?" he asked.

"Well, yeah, that's okay. As long as there's nothing more... well... complicated, right?"

"Don't worry, Hyde! You worry way too much. I just want to have some fun with you. Lighten up, you know? We always have a blast!"

I started to remember why I liked this guy to begin with.

"Yeah, I could use some fun!" I agreed. "Lighthearted..."

"One day, I'm going to take you for coffee," he said. "And we're going to sit down and have a long talk."

"That sounds good."

I can't imagine what that would be like.

So, that's that. It's just about 6:00. He'll be here in a few hours. Until then, I'm going to clean and watch some more Annie and sing along whenever I can.

I've been regressing into childhood musicals lately. Yesterday I sat at my computer for hours, crying and listening to Gordon Macrae sing Carousel. Gordon Macrae. Damn. That voice in that role is my man. He is first man with whom I've ever been in love. I was five years old when I first heard him and he won my heart in a way I've never experienced since. It was an entirely pure and fully enrapturing love, a pure childlike love, but intensely sexual in a way that I could never have understood at the time. I'm brought back to it when I hear him sing.

(But, hmm.... Learning about one's first love from Carousel can NOT have been a good thing...)

Anyway, hopefully the Stallion will be able to help me keep my mind off N this evening. I don't know what I'm going to do about N. I don't know what I'm going to do about my broken heart. But I'm reaching my limit. Yes, even I have limits.

Leapin' Lizards! Something's got to give.

A Night at the Opera

Wozzeck is one of my favorite operas, and the performance was amazing. It deserves much more attention than I have the energy to give it right now, but maybe I'll put a post up about it at the old "Annals" one of these days.

Yesterday I stayed in bed nearly all of the day. I felt awful about my escapades the night before, and I really am committed to turning things around and not repeating that kind of night. But even more, I felt awful about everything with N. I feel absolutely worthless to him. Not even as substantial as garbage--with him, I am just nothingness. When I finally crawled out of bed, I found a worn paperback book in my kitchen yesterday morning--something about Christian spiritual exercises, and I don't know where it came from.

But enough about that. I met BigSis for lunch yesterday at Bloomingdales. We don't hang out with each other nearly enough, considering how close we were growing up and how nearby we live to each other. It was a nice lunch date. I brought my pictures from Argentina and we just talked and gossiped for a while. It was good that it got me out of bed.

At 4:00 I was back at home, ready to meet B. B and I can be so emotionally and intellectually intense when we're together and sometimes it gets exhausting. Yesterday afternoon was one of those times. We seem to take on the weight of the world when we're together-- like St. Christopher slogging across the river. Nevertheless, we ordered in Indian food for dinner and set off for the opera at around 6:30. B and I love taking the bus together, I don't know why. There were some strange characters on the bus this time around and we had fun eavesdropping on their conversations. Nearing Times Square, the bus broke down, but the driver got it up and running a few minutes later.

Approaching the opera, I felt my stomach twisting and my heart cracking in two. I clung to B's arm so ferociously.

"Shh... It's okay, H!" he kept telling me.

I'm sure he could feel the pounding of my heart against his sleeve. I tried to move through the crowd as quickly as possible in order to avoid any possible Narc sighting.

Wozzeck is that rare find-- a short opera-- and it was over (with no intermissions) in just an hour and a half. B and I waited in our seats while the crowd filtered out. It was then that I heard someone call my name. No, it wasn't Narc... It was my friend NiS and his girlfriend! I went to college with them, and so they've been around for quite some time. They got together just a year after B and I. We chatted with them for a while, riding down the elevators together. By that time the theater had nearly completely cleared out.

Back out onto the cold plaza, I heard someone call my name again. Nope... still not Narc! This time it was Velma. She was there at the opera with her husband and her friend the Scorpion. (I don't know if you guys recall, but the Scorpion hangs out at Bar & Books, one of Narc's haunts. I wrote about that here. She's had some not-so-nice things to say about him, so I can't say that I like her. Hammer spent Thanksgiving at her place and also had a few choice words for the Scorpion). Anyway, we all did our introductions and talked about the opera for a few minutes before B and I set off for home.

B knew what a rough night it was for me and he was so sweet to me. We went to Dunkin' Donuts where he had a hot chocolate and we sat and talked some more. Finally, he walked me back to my place. I collapsed into bed at around 11:00 and didn't stir until late the next morning.

When I awoke, there was a message from N. It was left at 2:19 am.

Hey, it's me. It's just after 2:00 and just checking in to see if you made it to the opera tonight. I know you were up pretty late last night, but you know-- it's the Woz, the Woyc. So I assume you probably made it. I quickly scanned the crowd from el balcony. But I didn't see you. Then again, it was a pretty big crowd. So, I don't know. But I wanted to know what you thought. Pretty different take on the whole thing from what I can recall. But um, from having done it a while ago... in a college production. Um, ok... anyway... I'm gonna try your land line just in case you're home but didn't get this. Alright. Bye.

And then an hour later, on my home phone:

Hey it's me. I just tried your cell. Wondering how you liked the opera. I guess you're all conked out. Alright. Give me a call when you can. Bye.

(Hmm...the date with her, and what? Round two with me?)

This morning I woke up feeling sick-- the sickness of ambivalence. I want to end it with Narc more desperately than ever before. This hurts too much and I simply can not tolerate there being another girl in the picture-- one who is courted and celebrated on her birthday nonetheless! But I don't' want to get all awful and promiscuous and self-destructive either. I just need to make a decision and own it. My brain is fluttering around the edges of that choice but I just can't commit to it and take the plunge.

Meanwhile, I sent myself a text on Thursday night (which I don't' remember doing). The text read: Text the Stallion about Nipkins' party!

I have a birthday party to go tonight for my friend, Nipkins. I assume that I spoke to the Stallion while in blackout-mode and invited him along. So I sent him the requisite text this afternoon. I wrote:

Still wanna meet up for a drink? Friend's bday thing @ Revival-- (then I gave him the address). 10 pm. Let me know...

His response:

So you did not forget about me.

Hyde: How could I? :) Really, though. Please don't take my blacking out personally. I've been kind of depressed lately. Got much too fucked up the other night...

Stallion: How about I pick you up?

Now, here's the problem you guys-- I really really really don't want to fuck him, but I know that's why he wants to come here to "pick me up." I haven't written back. I'm still in love with N, although I hate him more than ever. I'm so fucking confused and on top of that, I'm hungry. I'm going to go get some lunch.

I need to untangle all of this.

B tells me that I'll never be ready to let go of N.

"Let go before you're ready," he said. "If you wait for your brain to be ready, you won't be able to do it. Just make a singleminded decision and cling to it no matter what. Ride out the storm. I know you can do it, and when the storm settles, you'll be free to move on and find someone who treats you with respect."

I want to believe him. I want to be restored. But I am just so filled with fear, and I don't know why.

-h-

And finally, I couldn't end this post without a note to Charby:

Charby,

If you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm still thinking of you and I'm going to light a candle for your dad this afternoon. I feel foolish going on about my own problems today. I really am so sorry for your loss... Love, always! Let me know if you need me in any way.

One of Those Nights

Last night was my first night back and I had to go and make it one of "those" nights.

Shit.

I woke up this morning with a busted bag of coke spilling into my bra. There were a dozen strange messages clogging up my cell phone, including one from MG, some from the Stallion and a bunch from some guy I met at the Patriot a few weeks back.

Shit, shit and more shit.

Of course, I remember very little to nothing.

I can't help but admit that I've been depressed and it's only getting worse. I found out what N's "birthday surprise" is for PopStarChick--he's taking her to see one of my FAVORITE operas at $150 a person. As luck would have it, I'm going to be there as well tonight (albeit in the cheap seats) with B. While N is pretty much maintaining constant contact, I don't think he realizes how he is driving me away with this. I can take a lot, but I'm starting to crack. (Keep in mind, he has never been to the opera in NY and I've always begged him to go; he knows it's a sore point that he stood me up for Boheme last February. Second of all, he knows I love Wozzeck as we've discussed it many times before. Third of all, he never got me a birthday gift--not even a card or a flower or a drink. Oh! And I TOLD him a few weeks ago I was going to Wozzeck...).

How do I know that he's going to be there tonight? Why, he told me himself!

N: Friends E and A both in from out of town tonight. Birthday outing tomorrow (Wozzeck at Met opera, first balcony! Yay!), but possibly hang this weekend?

H: I'll be at Wozzeck too! Hope she likes her bday gift from you. Maybe I'll see you there... Give me a call Sat then. We'll see how the weekend shapes up.

N: Ah nice! Going with the fam or friends? Where are you sitting?

H: Last Woz of season. I've written 2 papers on the opera. Couldn't miss it! W/a friend. He has tix so not sure of seats. Probably cheap--life of poor grad students!

(Obviously that's a lie. I'm going with B and I have the tickets and I know I'm in the highest ring, but I wanted to say that anyway.)

N: Awww! Well I'm sure we'll all love it regardless of seating. Can't wait!

H: Nothing like degenerate Weimar madness and Lustmord. Good for the nerves. Have fun tonight. I'm going to have my Cheers reunion!

N: Don't get too hammered--can't be hungover for the opera!

H: True. I'll have to see who's out tonight. But Woz might well suit a hangover-- esp. the hallucinatory tavern scene!

And so, I went out last night. I went out last night in misery and felt completely alone. I tried to blow my brains out (metaphorically, of course). Now I feel sick. I feel sick in every way imaginable. I hate myself and I don't want this year to be like this. Not at all. I'm going to flush the remainder of the coke and crawl back into bed. No more drugs in the New Year. No more of this shit.

"I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired."

But he's a talented boy. A talented boy and dangerous. I mean, with how many ways can one boy come up to break my heart?

I'm nearing the edge.

-h-

The Annals Live!

I know I'm going a little blog-crazy today, but it's only because I've missed it so much having been away. (And only for 10 days! I guess I'm an addict).

I just wanted to let you all know that I will continue posting at my old address as well... Just nothing having to do with sex, love or Narc.

I'm feeling moody, and just wrote a long moody post over there.

That's it for now. I need to take a tylenol. My head is killing me.

-h-

PS: If any of you link to me from your sites, keep the link for the old address, not this one... Just in case. Thanks!

I am so fucking confused...

Okay... I know I just posted a minute ago. And I seriously need to get up and leave my computer and get into the shower. I've been surfing the web since I posted that last entry and I feel like my head is spinning. I don't get Narc. I don't get what he writes on his blog, what he emails to me or anything about ANYTHING! I am going mad. I am literally going MAD! I need to get away from the computer and stop my mind right now. I need to stop my brain. I will have to bury myself in work. He still acts like I don't exist. But then, the emails...

My drunk email to him from Tuesday night:

Hey...

It's late and NDN wants to go into town but I don't want to... Just thought I'd write and say hi. I'm not going to FL this month after all... I canceled my trip. I miss NY so badly right now. I want to call home but i have no one to call. Anyway, I'lll see you when I'm back, I guess...

Nothing ever changes, right? It doesn't matter what your answer is. I have my own answer to that question.

I have to go now.

See you soon....

Love you lots,
H

His response:

Well I hope you're having a good time at least! When are you back?

Horribly depressed right now--once again, haven't seen the sun in days... Don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Wish you were here, wish I had someone to talk to.

Oh well...

Do write or call soon

--Narc


(You guys can imagine how I was going crazy with glee from that one! Not that he was sad, but that he missed me and needs me. I had to bite my lip to exercise some restraint!)

My response:

Hi,

I just got back to NY. Sorry to hear you're in a rut. Was a little depressed for a bit myself this week... Had a fight with NDN on Tuesday night, but all is well now. Overall, we had a fantastic trip. I suppose with all that time just the two of us, a fight couldn't be avoided.

But now I'm facing a mound of work. My grades are overdue. Yuck. I've got to go to the college this afternoon and pick up a stack of finals to grade. But if you want to call, I'm around again now. I had a great time-- it was non-stop, but I missed NY more than I thought I would. Strange...

I hope you're feeling better. If you see the sun today, give me a ring! I don't know how late I'll be up tonight though, because I took an overnight flight and didn't get much sleep.

:)

New Year, right? Let's both be optimistic.

lots of love,
Hyde

His response:

Doing a little better now--getting up early in the morning, hitting the gym every day, meditating twice a day, keeping focused on work etc.

Have a friend in town from Cali tonight, but don't know if I'll catch him until the weekend. Friend's birthday outing tomorrow night. Going to write through the day today,but give a call if you have a moment later on.

Glad to hear you had a great trip--certainly it was more eventful than my own holiday experience! (Still,I suppose mine was better than last year--at the very least I wasn't alone the entire time...)

Get that grading done!! Talk afterwards
--Narc

Okay... So everything seems kind of okay, right? But then, this on his blog:

(Oh, and speaking of Art--do I have the most fantastic surprise for PopStarChick on her birthday this coming Friday evening...!! Can hardly wait myself, but of course, I wouldn't think to spoil the mystery here just yet. Never fear, tireless Readers, a full report will come first thing Saturday morning...)

*****

I'm trying not to overthink. Trying not to think at all right now, but you can imagine what's in my mind...

:(

-h-

To Calm Mystic's Nerves...

To calm Mystic's nerves (and because I miss you all) I'm writing to tell you that I'm back!

NDN and I arrived at JFK at 6:00 am this morning and I am wiped out. The trip was amazing, (save one major fight between the two of us). But, with all of that "together" time, can you blame us? The reason I stopped updating as frequently is that on Sunday morning, we left Buenos Aires for Carilo-- a beach town 4-5 hours from the capital. It wasn't as easy to access the internet there, although I did manage to squeeze off a drunk email to N. All anxiety aside, when I finally checked my email this morning, I found a surprisingly sweet response.

Now that I'm home, I've been flooded with emails from students wanting their grades. I haven't even begun grading final exams, as B administered them for me while I was gone. (All of that delay due to the stupid transit strike in December.) So, I'm off to my office to pick up the exams. Today will have to be a work day.

I will do my best to crank out a few posts in the next few days to tell you guys all about our adventures, but with all of this catch-up work upon me, it may be difficult. I'll have to ask for your patience.

It's good to be back. Although I've always known how I love New York, it's sweet to be reminded when I start to miss it so. I'm here with my beautiful cat, my wilted Christmas tree, staring at the Chysler building through the crappy bleak rainy NY winter weather, but I'm loving every moment of it.

That's all for now.

Hope you are all well!

-H-

Dream-O-Meter (a la Hammer)

Well, of course there's a lot to say about Argentina and all. The trip is going great. I spent yesterday afternoon in Uruguay and tonight we're going to a party. But as I haven't had therapy in a few weeks, and this blog is my outlet, I need to process some other other stuff here. I'll write more about the trip when I have a few minutes.

What I really want to talk about-- I've been having some VERY strange dreams the past few nights! I usually don't remember my dreams, but lately, they've been crystal clear. I'm warning you-- two of them have to do with semen, so if you're not interested, don't read on.

DREAM No. 1:

I am in NY and not feeling well. I've been complaining to my mom for a few days that there's something wrong with me, but she keeps telling me I look okay to her. I try to ignore my general feeling of aches and fever and go about my daily schedule.

One night I'm hanging out with N. He decides to play a game--no surprise to me. Fairly routine. He wants to see how many times he can come in my mouth in one afternoon. We are laying around, watching TV, eating takeout and being bored. Every few minutes he jacks himself off or I give him a blow job. We make it up to 10-12 times.

The next day I'm feeling even worse. I'm running a high fever and I'm starting to sweat profusely. I go to the doctor. Nobody can figure out what's wrong with me. I go from doctor to doctor. I'm at all sorts of special clinics. The more time that goes by, the more sick I'm feeling, and my lips start to taste salty and the sweat starts to thicken. Finally, they send me to see some specialist. He tells me that it's not sweat, but semen and that I have a condition in which I've ingested more semen than my body is able to metabolize. He tells me that there's nothing I can do except to rest, stay of alcohol and cigarettes and wait for my body to process it out.

It continues to get worse and worse. It's now coming from every pore in my body. I'm literally covered in semen--dripping semen from everywhere. My hair is sticky and gross. I start to cry over this atrocious condition, and even the tears are made of semen. I can't get rid of it.

Then I woke up.

DREAM No.2:

In this dream, I have some kind of office job. I'm told I need to go on a business trip with male colleages. They're all older than I am-- in their 40's. We are supposed to be at some sort of convention and we're staying at some sort of cheap hotel.

One night we all go out for drinks at the hotel bar and then we go swimming in the pool. I remember thinking it's foolish to swim while drunk. The next day I'm in the hotel room with one of them men. I'm sharing a room with him. He tells me that I was flirting with him the night before. I deny it and he says I probably just don't remember.

He starts trying to touch me and I tell him that I'm not going to have sex with him.

"You OWE it to me!" he says.

I genuinely feel guilty and bad, because in my dream, I know that he's right. I ask him if we can come up with some sort of compromise. He asks for a blow job but I tell him that I don't want to do that. He's getting really annoyed. He says he'll settle for masturbating in front of me if he can come onto my face. I tell him that it's too intimate and that I don't want to. He asks if he can come onto my chest instead. He tells me that's his "final offer." I decide that it's fair and take off my shirt. He does his thing and that's the last thing I remember from that one.

DREAM No. 3:

This one was inspired, in part, I think, by the fact that Hammer and I had a little spat before I left, in part by a conversation Hammer had with the Wizard many months ago, and also by Mystic's impersonation of me on his blog.

I break it off with N but Hammer stays friends with him. I tell her I don't want her to talk to him, but she tells me that she's her own person and that it's not my business if she's friends with him or not. I'm really upset but there's not much I can do about it.

The next thing I know, I am at some kind of event-- an awards ceremony or something. It's some kind of black tie gala and NDN is my date. We take our seats in the auditorium and I notice that across the aisle, a few rows in front of us, Hammer is there with Narc and they are on a date. He has his arm around her. I get really upset. NDN says he's going to go talk to Hammer, to try to explain to her how I feel. I don't want N to see me though.

I duck down on my hands and knees in the small space in front of my seat while NDN goes over to Hammer. I can see Narc saying something like

"Whatever you have to say to her you can say in front of me! "

NDN is trying to lead Hammer outside. I get up from my hiding space, thinking I'm safe, but Narc sees me.

NDN and Hammer go outside and Narc grabs my arm.

"It's YOU, Hyde!" he says. "I should have known that YOU'd have something to do with this!"

I start to cry hysterically. I can't breathe and collapse onto the floor. He's standing straight above me staring down.

"Get up!" he's commanding. "Stop being hysterical! This is sucky! I hate when you get like this. Stop these antics right now."

I feel myself going into some kind of strange catatonic trance-like state. I can't move or speak, although I hear him. He starts shaking me. Then he grabs me by the ankle and starts dragging me towards the door. It hurts my leg.

We see NDN and Hammer talking outside. They are atop a huge white staircase, much like the one at the Public Library or the Met Museum.

"Get up, Hyde!" he says again. "That is, unless you can fly!"

He starts to drag me down the stairs. I feel my head pounding against each stone as we descend, but now it doesn't hurt. I do feel like I'm flying. I feel high as hell. My heart is fluttering.

NDN and Hammer start to chase after us. I don't remember the next bit, but I'm in some alley-way. It's just me and Narc.

"I love you, Hyde," he says. "It's just that I can't be with you. I already explained to you why. But you know that I love you, right?"

I feel myself melting out of my catatonic state. Suddenly Hammer is there and Narc leaves my side and goes over to her and he is trying to "win her over."

"Don't be an idiot," she says. "This was never what you thought! You know I love the Wiz!"

She walks over to me to see how I am. N looks wounded.

I don't remember the rest.


*****************

Anyway, you guys, we're leaving Buenos Aires on Sunday morning for Carilo-- a town on the coast. I don't think I'll have any internet there. So I may not be back for a while. We've got wild party plans for New Year's Eve. I hope I can make it after tonight's party and being run down and all. I am still so sad, but trying not to be.

My heart fucking hurts.

I miss you all and all of blogland!!!

:)

h

My Second Check-In

So, this is my second check-in from Argentina! In terms of N finding my blog, I've decided not to freak out and stress about it because I just don't want to live my life paranoid. I've been checking the sitemeter and as far as I can tell, he hasn't logged in again. (That is, unless he's signed in from someplace other than his home).

I know I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I can't help but think about all of that. I feel like I'm going through some kind of massive Narc-detox and the more days that go by without him, the more perspective I'm gaining on all this. All he does is write about other women on his blog. He doesn't want me. I don't know how I manage to keep myself so constantly deluded that he does. Anyway, all I ever do is talk about him, so on to another subject...

Argentina is amazing. I am a little run down and was running a fever last night, but that aside, I'm having a great time. And I'm having a great time sans-alcohol. I had a few drinks the other night, but it's been one full week since I've been drunk. Kind of weird...

Yesterday NDN and I had a "day of beauty" in the morning. The dollar is so strong here that we can afford total luxury. We went to a salon and got our hair done and manicures and pedicures and I had a waxing (which is done in a totally different way than in NY. Interesting...). Then we did some outdoor shopping on the "Florida"-- a massive pedestrian mall leading to the Plaza del Mayo at the center of town. Once there, I got to check out the Casa Rosada.

We walked outside for hours yesterday and I started to feel exhausted. I skipped our evening plans (due to my fever) and went to bed early.

Oh, I also have to note--Monday night we went out with NDN's Bolivian friends. They took us to the poorest neighborhood on the outskirts of town where we ate fried pork cracklings and bloated fat corn kernels in a makeshift restauant built out a garage. There were numerous skin and bones stray dogs wandering through the place and people dancing everywhere with paper napkins to stand in as makshift handkerchiefs. His friends have two small children who I loved--Mauri and Constanza. We may have dinner at their apartment again tonight and I'm looking forward to playing with the kids.

Fried pork aside, the food here is truly amazing. I'll have to do a whole blog entry on that when I get back. So despite the heat and the constant walking, I'm sure I'm going to put on a few pounds. Whatever... I'll deal with that when I get back.

This morning I had a full body massage. I usually don't do that kind of thing because I don't like strangers touching me (I know that sounds weird given my bouts of promiscuity, but I've got a lot of issues in that department). It was so relaxing though.

I'd go on a bit more, but I've got to meet NDN and his friend Marta for lunch in five minutes.

We're going to go check out some of the parks today and maybe an antique market. On Sunday we take off for Carilo--a resort town on the beach.

This place is great, but my heart is broken and I still have only one.

Hope you are all well!

Lol,

H

We've Arrived!

Guess what? NDN and I are sitting in a "locutoroio" in Buenos Aires!!!

We met at the airport last night at around 8:00 and took a 10:00 pm overnight flight. The flight was rough. We were cramped into an incredibly small space for 12 hours. When we first got on the plane we were hyper and screwing around with some oversized sunglasses and NDN's baseball hat. The woman in front of us got annoyed. She passed us a note asking us to keep it down. I would transcribe it for you here, but the note is back in the hotel.

Anyway, there's too much to do here for me to sit here and blog detail by detail. After checking into our hotel this afternoon, NDN walked me around his old neighborhood and showed me where he used to live. We had some amazing ice cream, changed some money and set off on an even longer walk--not easy for me in the sweltering heat, after a long plane ride with nothing to go on but ice cream. I hate the summer and I could feel the makeup melting off my face, my hair sticking to the back of my neck as we went.

That said, it was a nice walk with a lot to see. Buenos Aires strikes me as a strange combination of San Juan and London. Anyway, we made it towards the city center and went for a walk around the cemetary where I saw Eva Peron's grave and took a couple of beautiful pictures of the statues and tombs. I was getting exhausted though, so we rested for a while under the shade of a massive Cyprus tree.

After that, we had high tea at the Alvear Palace Hotel. It is the swankiest, stuffiest most beautiful hotel in the city. But the dollar is amazingly strong here and so we were able to share the whole experience for only about $10 each. (USD, of course). Then we continued to walk around the most expensive neighborhood, window shopping and strolling over to check out the Four Season's Hotel. Now we`re here in the "locutorio" (or telephone/internet shop), resting our feet and doing a little email checking.

Tonight we have plans to meet up with NDN's friend Enzo and his wife. NDN already bumped into two people he knows-- his former real estate broker and a Russian girl who works at the Orangerie--the tea room in the Alvear Palace.

As for my emotional state-- it's not great. I got into a fight with Hammer just before the trip and it has left me feeling very bad. On top of that, I sent Narc a "Merry Christmas" text, and he never replied. I'm sick of him and his victim complex. I'm sick of him courting other women as if they are worth it and as if I'm worth nothing. I just went to check his blog and his entire entry is about UNChick-- some girl that he dated a year ago. I am feeling weary of him and completely undervalued. I feel like he doesn't think I "count" for anything, and it's sucking the life out of me. Maybe this trip will be a turning point for me and for him.

Maybe it really will be a new year upon my return.

Senorita H

PS: Pardon the typos or strange symbols. The keyboard is a little different here. I'll have to clean it all up when I get home...

Trying to be Brave

I wanted to write a post about last Sunday's Lessons & Carols service, but I haven't had a chance to yet, and I suppose that it will have to wait until the New Year. I hope that I can hold it in my head until then. I learned something that evening about prayer. Maybe I'll write it out this week in my journal and then post it up when I get back.

I have very mixed feelings about continuing to blog, given the fact that Narc has found me out. I feel nauseated and violated-- as if I am dissolving at my borders. I feel as if I'm going to disappear if something very strong doesn't materialize to bind me back together. I used to feel safe here, but I don't anymore. And my normal response would be to withdraw from all of this--withdraw into myself. But I don't want to let anything take my blogging away from me, so I'm going to try to be strong. I'm going to try to be brave and proceed as if things were normal.

I went out drinking on Tuesday night and saw KHill & co. at the bar again. He didn't remember the urination incident, but he did try to kiss me. My left eye was swollen (I think from conjunctivitis), but FightingMensch thought I had been hit.

"Hyde, STOP FUCKING THAT GUY!" he said.

I didn't want to start in with them.

"It's just pink eye, whatever... Besides, FightingMensch, what do you care?"

"You think I don't care, Hyde? You think I don't care!"

He was drunk. Then he, KHill and their friend took off for Scores. A lovely bunch, they are.

I wanted to see Narc, so I texted him a few times and called him a few more times. I met a couple who were out drinking the night away because they were in the middle of "breaking up." I befriended the pair by sharing my cigarettes and ended up downing shots with them for quite some time. I don't remember the end of the night. I suppose I went home and passed out. When I woke up I had a few contacts from Narc--one a text message left at 2:19 am and then two voice mails left at around 5:30 am.

Out with CouchSleeper. Will call soon, read the text.

I have to say, I was surprised he updated me as to his whereabouts and I was also surprised that he followed it up with a phonecall. In retrospect, I view this as a direct response to what he read in my blog. (If you recall, my post Aching and Mistaking made a point of the fact that he never gets back to me. At least, if he had to read that, he turned out a positive behavioral response).

So, the next day, Wednesday, I rolled out of bed hungover and feeling like shit, but happy to be meeting B for our annual "Pre-Christmas" celebration. This was our seventh year doing it, although we had to modify the afternoon's plans due to the transit strike.

B came over at around 11:00 and we went out for Brunch. After that, we came back to my place and sang Christmas carols at the piano. He even did me the supreme favor of singing through the entire "If I Loved You" scene from Carousel. It's one of my favorite things in the whole wide world, and I'm so grateful that he sang it with me. At around 2:30 we set off on foot for the movies. We were going to see King Kong. I have to say, I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I cried twice. After the movie we headed to a Chinese place for dinner (the same place where I ate with B and his girlfriend a month or so ago). While B was texting his girlfriend, I sent Narc a quick text:

Just saw Kong. Would you believe it? I cried!

To my delight, he answered me shortly thereafter:

Aww! Call you soon.

(So the improved contact continued...)

B and I finished up with dinner and he graciously walked me home. Back at my place, we watched an episode of the Simpsons, sat around and talked for a bit and then he took off at around 8:30.

Narc called me at around 9:30 and we stayed on the phone for about half an hour. Then he invited me down to his place. I told him I had to take care of a few things, but that I would be there soon.

I didn't end up getting there until around 11:00. Narc had been holed up in the house all day and wanted to get out.

"I don't want to end up drinking all night, though," I said.

"It's okay," he replied. "We don't have to stay for more than an hour or so..."

We set off for the Patriot, which seems to have become our new stomping grounds. Well, I don't have to tell you that a drink or two for an hour or so with me and Narc quickly turned into a drink or twelve for an hour or four. Everything was going on well enough until Narc started detailing his "dating life" over the past year. (We had been talking about what a year it's been, etc.)

"It started off with UNChick," he said. "Then I dumped her in January for PopStarChick. Then in March, I met the Exhibitionist on Nerve.com. Oh, and then there was Elizabeth, that NovelChick. I don't know how I always end up with these shallow self-absorbed girls," he said. "They all treat me like shit."

I felt my heart getting tight.

"Well, maybe it has something to do with you," I said.

"'Cause I'm a masochist?"

"What?" I tried not to laugh. "You're no masochist, Narc."

"Then what? I know what you're thinking, Hyde. That I'm shallow?"

"Maybe you are."

"I'm not."

"Okay, whatever."

I just wanted to end the conversation. You guys can imagine how I felt. I bit my lip as hard as I could and tried to swallow down over the choking feeling in my throat. I think that Narc knew he was hurting my feelings because there was a look on his face like he felt bad about what he was doing.

"C'mon, Hyde. Don't get all weepy on me now."

"I'm not getting weepy."

"Yes you are! I hate when you get like this--every time we go out drinking."

"That's not true," I protested. "Besides, what do you want from me, Narc?"

I got up and ran into the bathroom, the tears streaming down my cheeks. I stayed there for a few minutes, until I could get it to subside, flushing my cheeks with some water and taking deep breaths. Finally, I recomposed myself and went back out to the bar.

"Look, Hyde," he began, "This is why you can't be my girlfriend. You're just too emotional."

"What do you mean?"

"You are! You know you are. You can't change it. I wouldn't want to change that about you, but I can't be with you. That's why we're not together. It's not that I'm shallow."

My eyes were welling up again. I could see that he felt bad.

"Hyde..." He was softer now. "Come on... It's not like you don't have your guys! It's not like you can't get other guys. You have so many guys all the time."

"First of all, that's not true," I said. "But that's not the point."

"It is the point. You're fine! I know you're out there with other people--flirting with other people, sex, etc."

"That's not true! I'm not having sex with anyone. And I don't flirt. You know how I feel about you."

That's when he got upset.

"LIAR!" he yelled, accusingly. "You're a LIAR, Hyde! Just phone sex this week with someone called 'the Stallion!' And some guy urinating on your hand?"

My stomach dropped down to my ankles. My heart froze. My ears started to pound with a painful sort of pulsation.

"What?"

"Sex 13, 14 times in a row? I found your blog, Hyde."

I swear, I thought I was going to die. I blinked my eyes and it was hard to see--as if someone had just taken a picture of me with an extremely strong flash. I don't remember exactly what I said or in what order. But I felt like I had to die.

"That sex was in 2004," I said. "Before I met you." I started to feel my throat constricting. "I-- I can't. I can't. I'm never going to see you again, Narc! I can't be here anymore."

I felt myself going numb. Everything grew almost quiet around me with each breath and my face began to tingle. He tried to calm me down, telling me it wasn't that big of a deal, that he had hardly read any of it, that he still loved me. I cried harder and kept saying that I had to die. He grabbed me and put his hands around my head and pulled me into him and kissed me. I was seized and kissed, but still I couldn't feel it. I got up and ran out of the bar. I called Hammer.

I don't remember everything that happened next or what I said, but I told her that I was going to kill myself. This was around 2:00 am. I don't think that I meant it, but I just couldn't imagine what I was going to do next--I couldn't imagine existing-- living another minute. Hammer told me to stop drinking. She kept sending me texts telling me that I'm loved, trying to help me put it all in perspective. I went to an ATM and then just sat outside on the curb, on the street corner, drunk, crying and in the cold. Narc called me.

"Hyde, come back." he said.

I can't."

"Hyde, don't be silly. It's not a big deal," he said. "I love you. So, come back."

I don't remember when or why, but I did go back to the bar. We were at the bar until at least 4:00 or 4:30 am. I don't remember getting home.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt sick to my stomach the minute I opened my eyes. I was laying in bed next to him, naked, our clothes in the living room. I didn't know all of what happened. I only knew that I had to run away.

I had bought Narc a Christmas present and wrapped it with a card. He hadn't opened it yet, but it was sitting on his living room table and I saw it there as I gathered my things to leave. The card read:

Dear Narc,

I'm not quite sure how to say what I want to say in this card. I guess I just wanted to tell you how deeply you've impacted my life since I met you and that I care about you very much. You are an incredible person and you continue to impress me with your sensitivity and intelligence. Yet, somehow I can't help but feel that I don't know the half of it. Despite the fact that in many ways you are still a "mystery" to me, there are moments in which I'm certain that I "see you." (Sometimes I even see myself in you, as different as we are). I don't know... I just love learning you.

As for the New Year, I have absolute faith that this year can be what you want it to be. Things may not always go according to "plan," or according to our timetables, but that doesn't mean that your happiness won't surprise you around the corner. I see a life in you-- that energy waiting to be tapped. This depression will NOT last forever; I promise you that. Things are going to "click" for you, and I hope to see the magic that happens when they do.

Anyway, I know that our relationship is a little strange and undefined, but that doesn't change how you are in my heart. And I want you to know that if you ever need me, I will be there for you. I promise you that.

I value your friendship more than you know.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All my love,
Hyde

Now, leaving his apartment, I felt as if things had changed. I left him another note:

Obviously, I wrote this card before last night. I feel a little foolish now, but I'm leaving it anyway. I'm sorry and I will miss you.

Merry Christmas.

Love you Always,

Hyde

I came home, moved my blog to a new address and crawled into bed. I reemerged at around 3:30 and went to the diner to eat banana pancakes (strangely, the only food I ever wanted when I was pregnant). Narc called me just before I left the house.

"Where'd you go?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I just got up and I rolled over and I wanted to fuck you, but you were gone."

"I had to leave," I said. "What are you up to?"

(This conversation felt surreal).

"I thought I was going to be hanging out here, ordering in food, watching TV and being with you," he answered. "But I guess I'm just here marinating."

"You're what?"

"Marinating."

"Marinating in what?"

"Marinating in my own juices, I guess."

"Okay... Well, I have to go to class."

"What are you doing after class?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"Wanna come down then?"

"Um, I guess."

"Okay, so give me a call when you get out of class."

I never went to class. I couldn't. But I wrote to Narc:

Life is absurd, no? I'm eating banana pancakes & drinking tea. I have to pack and do laundry tonight. If you want to see me, you may have to come to me...

A few minutes later, he opened his gift.

Aww, it's a penguin! I love him, he wrote.

Hyde: Yay! I thought he was beautiful & that you should have him. :) I'm skipping class today. Need the downtime.

Narc: Shall we get together then?

Hyde: Here? You could come up but I have to do laundry & pack. If I get it all done we could relocate to you...

Narc: Pack etc first, then call.

Back at my place, I was too exhausted for words--simply physically and emotionally drained. I decided to call back Liu. My phone was almost out of battery so I plugged it into the wall and lay down on the living room floor, next to my cat, amongst the pine needles in the shade of my Christmas tree. Liu and I talked for quite some time. When we hung up, I stayed motionless on the floor. I sent Narc a text:

So tired. No more boozing! Was on the phone w/my friend in TX. No energy to do what I have to do!

Then I called him.

"Narc, I'm having scheduling issues," I said.

"What's the problem?"

"I'm too tired to pack and do laundry. But I can't come see you until they're done."

"So get a move on!" he exclaimed.

"I can't..."

Finally, I decided that I would just squish all my errands into Friday.

"Okay, okay. I'll come down and see you now, I said."

I felt like shit, so I threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra and my hair was still unbrushed from when I had rolled out of his bed and run from his house that morning.

I should have known better than to try to catch a cab in rush hour. The transit strike had just ended, but service had not returned to normal, and the streets were clogged. While I was waiting on the corner, coat clutched in my hands, a man walked up beside me and brushed against my shoulder.

"Hey, Hyde!"

I looked up. It was KHill. He was all dressed up in work clothes and a beautiful long coat. I was embarrassed.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. Still recovering from last night," I said. "And going to meet a friend."

KHill said he had left his phone at home but was trying to get in touch with FightingMensch.

"You don't have his number, by any chance?" he asked.

"Actually, I do. I have it saved in my phone."

"Can I borrow your phone to call him?"

"Yeah, sure."

I felt really uncomfortable. It was strange for me to see him not drunk. His eyes looked different, but nice. I'm definitely crushing on him, though. But he's a cad...no good for me, so I'll leave it at that.

KHill asked if he would see me around later.

"Maybe, but probably not tonight," I said.

Finally a cab came around. Because of the transit strike, cabs were allowed to pick up multiple passengers. I squeezed in next to two other women. There was another in the front seat.

The trip that ensued was really fucking insane. Normally it takes about half an hour via cab to get from my place to Narc's. This time it took an hour and twenty minutes! Another of the women was heading to Tribeca, and we ended up bonding. She is Israeli and just had her first novel published in the spring. She's here in NY trying to get it published in translation. It was very interesting to talk to her. And she was fascinated by my family connections to Jerusalem, my ethnic background, etc.

When I got to Narc's, he was lounging on the couch. (Just sitting there 'marinating,' I suppose). I sat down next to him. Neither one of us mentioned the whole blog fiasco. I saw that he had put my card to him up next to a Thanksgiving card he had received from his mother. Narc flipped through the channels. Star Trek VI was on and he wanted to watch it. I've never seen anything "star trek" at all, so he explained the characters to me. He lay down and I lay in his lap. Before long, we were having sex. Afterwards he fell asleep, and I lay on top of him with my head on his stomach. It was my favorite moment in quite some time. While he slept, I flipped through the channels and found that the second half of my soap (One Life to Live) was on SoapNet. I couldn't have been happier. (Well, I could have, had this whole blog thing not happened, but you know what I mean...)

When he woke up, he suggested that we do something to get out of the house.

"Yeah, but what?" I asked. "I don't want to go drinking again. I feel like shit."

"I don't know... What else is there to do? I'm craving a jack and coke."

"You're craving? That can't be good Narc."

"Yeah, I know. I always say I'm not an alcoholic because I don't wake up craving it, but today I kind of did."

"Well, by your definition, I'm not an alcoholic either, but isn't there some huge kind of checklist of symptoms? I know that they say blacking out is bad and I black out a lot."

"Oh, whatever," he said. "Americans are such Puritans. Blacking out doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. It means you drank too much one time."

"So I guess we have nothing to worry about?"

We both laughed, but I, of course, don't believe that I have nothing to worry about. I wonder if he's worried about himself in that regard as well.

Since neither of us could think of anything else to do in our weary disheveled condition, we set off, once again, for the Patriot. I vowed not to drink, and I didn't. I spent the evening sipping diet cokes watching Narc get tipsy.

Once he had a few drinks, he woke up the elephant in the room.

"You really don't have to take down your blog, you know," he said.

My heart tensed.

"Let's just leave it alone," I said softly. "I don't feel comfortable leaving it where it was."

"It's not like I'm going to read it!" he insisted. "I can't lie. I never lie. I'm incapable of it. And I'm telling you, I have no interest in reading your blog! I don't read personal blogs."

(I thought of a few lies he had told me... quite a few on that list!)

"It doesn't matter," I said. "I don't feel safe there. Besides, if you didn't want to read it, you wouldn't have read it."

"I just stumbled on it, Hyde."

"How? I cleared my history."

"You didn't clear your cache. It just popped up when I was typing in an address. I told you, I only read two paragraphs or something."

"Not, so, Narc. You knew information from the past three posts."

"I did?"

"You did."

"Well, I'm never going to go to that page again."

"I would know if you did, anyway," I said. "I found your IP address. I saw that you went there three times just yesterday. You didn't just stumble on it once at my house."

He didn't really say anything for a few minutes. He looked sad.

"Yeah, but you said you post every day. It's important to you. It's silly for you to take it down."

(So, now he felt bad?)

"It's your outlet, Hyde."

"It's over, Narc. Whatever."

"What does the name 'Narc' mean anyway?" he asked. "How'd I get that name? It's such a bad name."

"I really don't want to talk about this," I said. "I made the name up so long ago. Right when I met you. Before I even knew you."

"I should change your name and give you a bad name," he muttered.

("Like you've even ever posted a word about me!" I wanted to say)

"So you're mad at me, then?" I asked.

"No, I'm not mad, Hyde. I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad?"

I wanted to cry. I didn't say a word.

"It's just, I'm sure that I don't come across very well on that thing, that's all," he said.

"Really? Why would you say that?"

It was a strange moment--Narc half acknowledging that this relationship/non-relationship might not reflect so well on him.

"I don't know," he said. "Just a feeling, I guess."

"Look, let's change the subject," I said. "I'm not mad at you; you're not mad at me. I'm just really hurt right now."

"But, I don't get it!" he protested. "Why do you have so many secrets anyway?"

"I don't have secrets, Narc! What do I do with my life? Get up, go teach, go to class, go to Cheers, go see you... that's it. You know my whole life."

"That's more than I do," he laughed. "But then why the secrecy?"

"It's just that I'm a very private person. There are pieces of me that it's incredibly difficult for me to share...with anyone! The blog allows me to share them with the security of anonymity. I mean, it's not that I don't trust you. It's just that... Well, you said it yourself--I'm emotional, right? If I exposed every last part of myself, I'd be so vulnerable. The hurt that others could inflict on me could literally destroy me. I have to protect myself by keeping some pieces for myself. That's what goes up on the blog. The pieces that I need an outlet for. It's not all of me! Just the parts that need some sorting through. And that's all."

"So then why do your friends know about it?"

"They don't."

"Hammer does."

"Hammer was there when I started it. But even with Hammer, we had a miscommunication this summer due to the blog giving a skewed perspective of things. She was in DC and the blog was her main source of info for me and it fucked things up. Don't you remember that?"

I felt queasy and tense.

"Narc, let's just drop it. The END, okay?"

"Okay. But I'm just saying-- If you don't want to, you don't have to take it down."

I didn't answer. I just stared straight ahead at the lights reflecting off of a row of whiskey bottles.

The rest of the night was sweet, but I couldn't get over the feeling of unease. Everything, for me, was underscored with pain and mistrust. We were up late--until around 3:00 am or so, and we got hungry again. We shared Narc's leftover sesame chicken and watched Conan O'Brien.

When it was time to get into bed, Narc asked me if I had noticed any water in the bed the night before.

"Water?"

"Yeah-- the bed is mysteriously soaked. It's not drying, and I can't figure out what it's from."

I went to investigate. It was, indeed really strange. The bed was pretty soaked, but it wasn't in the area of the bed you would expect it to be if it were from bodily fluids. It extended up to the pillows, and it was definitely clear and water. But neither of us had even had any water in the bedroom! I had no idea, as I had blacked out the end of the night, but Narc said he was sure there was no water brought into the room. He told me that a few days before he had also had a strange incident with water in the bedroom. There was a pool of water under the bed, but again, no sign of how it got there. The whole thing freaked me out. I felt like it was some weird spiritual thing. I felt strange getting into bed that night. He assured me it would be okay, though, and pulled me close.

I woke up in the middle of the night, being "poked." It was nice, though, because I didn't have all of the tension on my mind and could have sex more freely. We fell asleep again together and woke up and had more sex in the morning.

I didn't stick around all that long, though, because I had a lot to do today.

Now I'm getting ready to take of for Long Island for Christmas. If I don't get to post again until Argentina, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

I feel like I wrote this whole long post but that it was all fact and no analysis. In truth, I don't know how to feel about all of this. I just need to clear my head. I just need the time and space to process... So, that's it for now. I hope he doesn't find this and read it.

lots of love,
h