Wozzeck is one of my favorite operas, and the performance was amazing. It deserves much more attention than I have the energy to give it right now, but maybe I'll put a post up about it at the old "Annals" one of these days.
Yesterday I stayed in bed nearly all of the day. I felt awful about my escapades the night before, and I really am committed to turning things around and not repeating that kind of night. But even more, I felt awful about everything with N. I feel absolutely worthless to him. Not even as substantial as garbage--with him, I am just nothingness. When I finally crawled out of bed, I found a worn paperback book in my kitchen yesterday morning--something about Christian spiritual exercises, and I don't know where it came from.
But enough about that. I met BigSis for lunch yesterday at Bloomingdales. We don't hang out with each other nearly enough, considering how close we were growing up and how nearby we live to each other. It was a nice lunch date. I brought my pictures from Argentina and we just talked and gossiped for a while. It was good that it got me out of bed.
At 4:00 I was back at home, ready to meet B. B and I can be so emotionally and intellectually intense when we're together and sometimes it gets exhausting. Yesterday afternoon was one of those times. We seem to take on the weight of the world when we're together-- like St. Christopher slogging across the river. Nevertheless, we ordered in Indian food for dinner and set off for the opera at around 6:30. B and I love taking the bus together, I don't know why. There were some strange characters on the bus this time around and we had fun eavesdropping on their conversations. Nearing Times Square, the bus broke down, but the driver got it up and running a few minutes later.
Approaching the opera, I felt my stomach twisting and my heart cracking in two. I clung to B's arm so ferociously.
"Shh... It's okay, H!" he kept telling me.
I'm sure he could feel the pounding of my heart against his sleeve. I tried to move through the crowd as quickly as possible in order to avoid any possible Narc sighting.
Wozzeck is that rare find-- a short opera-- and it was over (with no intermissions) in just an hour and a half. B and I waited in our seats while the crowd filtered out. It was then that I heard someone call my name. No, it wasn't Narc... It was my friend NiS and his girlfriend! I went to college with them, and so they've been around for quite some time. They got together just a year after B and I. We chatted with them for a while, riding down the elevators together. By that time the theater had nearly completely cleared out.
Back out onto the cold plaza, I heard someone call my name again. Nope... still not Narc! This time it was Velma. She was there at the opera with her husband and her friend the Scorpion. (I don't know if you guys recall, but the Scorpion hangs out at Bar & Books, one of Narc's haunts. I wrote about that here. She's had some not-so-nice things to say about him, so I can't say that I like her. Hammer spent Thanksgiving at her place and also had a few choice words for the Scorpion). Anyway, we all did our introductions and talked about the opera for a few minutes before B and I set off for home.
B knew what a rough night it was for me and he was so sweet to me. We went to Dunkin' Donuts where he had a hot chocolate and we sat and talked some more. Finally, he walked me back to my place. I collapsed into bed at around 11:00 and didn't stir until late the next morning.
When I awoke, there was a message from N. It was left at 2:19 am.
Hey, it's me. It's just after 2:00 and just checking in to see if you made it to the opera tonight. I know you were up pretty late last night, but you know-- it's the Woz, the Woyc. So I assume you probably made it. I quickly scanned the crowd from el balcony. But I didn't see you. Then again, it was a pretty big crowd. So, I don't know. But I wanted to know what you thought. Pretty different take on the whole thing from what I can recall. But um, from having done it a while ago... in a college production. Um, ok... anyway... I'm gonna try your land line just in case you're home but didn't get this. Alright. Bye.
And then an hour later, on my home phone:
Hey it's me. I just tried your cell. Wondering how you liked the opera. I guess you're all conked out. Alright. Give me a call when you can. Bye.
(Hmm...the date with her, and what? Round two with me?)
This morning I woke up feeling sick-- the sickness of ambivalence. I want to end it with Narc more desperately than ever before. This hurts too much and I simply can not tolerate there being another girl in the picture-- one who is courted and celebrated on her birthday nonetheless! But I don't' want to get all awful and promiscuous and self-destructive either. I just need to make a decision and own it. My brain is fluttering around the edges of that choice but I just can't commit to it and take the plunge.
Meanwhile, I sent myself a text on Thursday night (which I don't' remember doing). The text read: Text the Stallion about Nipkins' party!
I have a birthday party to go tonight for my friend, Nipkins. I assume that I spoke to the Stallion while in blackout-mode and invited him along. So I sent him the requisite text this afternoon. I wrote:
Still wanna meet up for a drink? Friend's bday thing @ Revival-- (then I gave him the address). 10 pm. Let me know...
His response:
So you did not forget about me.
Hyde: How could I? :) Really, though. Please don't take my blacking out personally. I've been kind of depressed lately. Got much too fucked up the other night...
Stallion: How about I pick you up?
Now, here's the problem you guys-- I really really really don't want to fuck him, but I know that's why he wants to come here to "pick me up." I haven't written back. I'm still in love with N, although I hate him more than ever. I'm so fucking confused and on top of that, I'm hungry. I'm going to go get some lunch.
I need to untangle all of this.
B tells me that I'll never be ready to let go of N.
"Let go before you're ready," he said. "If you wait for your brain to be ready, you won't be able to do it. Just make a singleminded decision and cling to it no matter what. Ride out the storm. I know you can do it, and when the storm settles, you'll be free to move on and find someone who treats you with respect."
I want to believe him. I want to be restored. But I am just so filled with fear, and I don't know why.
-h-
And finally, I couldn't end this post without a note to Charby:
Charby,
If you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm still thinking of you and I'm going to light a candle for your dad this afternoon. I feel foolish going on about my own problems today. I really am so sorry for your loss... Love, always! Let me know if you need me in any way.
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