Falling off the Stallion

I think that Narc had it right a few months back when he told me that my life "is shit." Shit, shit shit. I was totally prepared for a night of sobriety and downtime tonight, but I guess it was not meant to be. (Well, don't get too worried-- I managed the sobriety, just not the downtime).

Here's the story:

I was really sleepy and laying in bed talking to B just three hours ago when I got a call on call-waiting. It was the Stallion. He wanted to hang out tonight, but I told him that I was too tired and really just wanted to take it easy. After hanging up with B, I was really ready to try this new idea--falling asleep at a regular hour, in my own bed, and with no toxins flowing through my veins! My plans, however, were disrupted. The phone rang again. Once again, it was the Stallion.

"C'mon, Hyde... I really really really wanna see you tonight."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really..."

"Well, it'll have to wait," I said. "What about tomorrow night? I'm not doing anything then..."

"Well..." he paused. "See, I can't do tomorrow. My girlfriend's coming into town for a while."

"Oh, the girlfriend? What's a while? A few days or is she moving here now?" I asked.

"Um, no... just a week or two, paying a visit kind of thing."

"Well, I don't know." (I was really feeling the downtime thing.) "I'm not much fun tonight. I'm not in 'excitement' mode."

"Girl, you don't have to be in any kind of 'mode;' you're excitement enough for me." He laughed. "As long as we don't get a repeat of last time..."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "What happened last time? Did I do anything bad?"

"Well, you were pretty bad," he said. I could tell he was uncomfortable.

"Why? What did I do? Or do I not want to know?"

"I don't think you want to know. For a while I was thinking about not getting back in touch with you, but now--I mean, c'mon, don't worry. I still want to come see ya, right?"

"Well, okay, I guess," I said. "I'll be at Cheers. Just meet me there..."

I threw on jeans, sneakers and a sweatshirt (didn't feel like dressing up for him) and headed to Cheers. I only ordered club sodas. Day one in my renewed daily attack on alcohol-related problems: pretty sweet, right? Anyway, for a while I wasn't much talking to anyone. IrishBird was trying to make conversation, but I felt pensive and closed and much too sober. It was already around 1:30 am. PumpedUp had a few friends at the bar who came out for his birthday. IrishBird brought out an ice cream cake and we sang. She said that PumpedUp was "chuffed" at the card I got him. (I'm not sure what she meant by that. Pretty sure it's a Britishism, and that it's a "good" thing, but can I get a translation, Flash?)

Anyway, at one point the Colombians came in. The one who always flirts with me came up to kiss me hello.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked.

"Oh, so now you know me?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"What, you haven't seen me before?" His eyes were red. He seemed drunk. He was staring at me with a really strange and hostile expression. Was he joking though?

"Um, well, I'm new here," I said. (If this was a joke, I guess I should try to play along). "I've never been here before. The name's Hyde."

I extended my hand and he shook it. He was still staring at me with that awful look though.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" (The stare intensified even more) "What's wrong?"

"So you know me now? You certainly didn't know me last weekend."

Oh! I must have ignored him or something the night I was there with Anxious and the Stallion. If you recall, I reached my blackout point before we even got to Cheers. The only thing I remember from Cheers was that fall on my way to the bathroom.

"If you're talking about last Friday, I'm sorry, but I don't remember anything from that night. That was the night that I was here with my friend Anxious. I really don't remember. Sorry... So, sorry if I was rude to you. I really didn't mean it. I really didn't intend to be rude to you on any level."

"Anxious? No. You were not here with a girl-friend; you were here with a guy."

(What the fuck? Is he talking about the Stallion? Is he jealous? Am I not allowed to date people just because I've flirted with him? Do I have to explain myself to this guy because of THAT???)

"Yeah, that was another friend of mine, whatever..." I said. I turned and picked up my cell phone and started fiddling with the buttons, hoping he would get the point that I was done with the conversation and walk away. He just kept staring with those accusatory eyes. He swayed a bit, leaning into me and I realized how drunk he was. I did not want to have to put up with that shit.

"Well, I don't know what else you want me to say," I said. "I mean, what am I supposed to do about it? I said I was sorry!"

He walked away. Just then the Stallion came in. I didn't want any kind of scene between the flirty Colombian and the Stallion, especially if there had been some sort of tension the week before. I ran over to meet the Stallion at the door. He put his arms around me and started to kiss me. I guess I pulled back a little because he stepped back to see what was up and noticed the Colombians looking at us.

"Let's get out of here," I said.

"Yeah, let's," he agreed.

We left the bar and headed towards my place.

"Whatever... I don't know about that place, Hyde," he said, gesturing back towards Cheers. "I don't think you should hang out there in general."

"What? Why not?"

"Because they don't respect you there. Especially not when you act like an asshole like you did last week. I was pretty upset about it."

(Holy shit... My stomach lurched forward)

"What did I do?"

"Nah, don't worry about it. I just don't think they respect you there. You don't realize it, but you know-- there's people talking shit and all."

Just then, he decided to change tracks and just grabbed me and kissed me, picking me up in his arms and kissing me hard. We were right in front of my building and stood there on the street kissing for a good 5-10 minutes before going back to my place.

As soon as we were in the door he wanted to fuck. I don't know how I find these guys with absolutely NO patience. As soon as we started, though, I saw that this was different. He was pissed at me and this was ''grudge sex" for sure. He was so into that dynamic that it scared me for real for a few moments. I don't know... I wish I could tell you what I mean, but that's me-- You guys can tell how much I love to obsessively recount the details and give the play-by-play of every aspect of my life, but I'll spare your delicate sensibilities and not explain exactly how he "took out his grudge." Let's just put it this way--it was a very rough and very loaded encounter After round one "in the ring" was over, and I had collapsed from exhaustion, he decided to tell me what "awful sin" I was being punished for having committed the week before.

Basically, what he said was that I started "making out" with some other guy at Cheers right in front of him. What?!?!? How can that be? That does not sound like me at all. I mean, I talk a good game and I kiss guys here and there, but I haven't been with anyone except the Stallion and Narc in months and I don't "make out" with people in public.

"Who was this guy?" I asked.

"I don't know. You said that you had let him fuck you before. He was there with two girls, and um... He was a few inches taller than you... dressed all preppy, Upper East Side, you know?"

That doesn't fit the description of anyone I can think of.

"Are you sure? I can't believe I would do that! Where was Anxious at the time? Did she see?"

"Um, well I don't think that Anxious saw, no. But my friend Mike did." (I've already sent off an email to Anxious asking her to fill me in on what she knows. But I thought we dropped his friend off at a subway somewhere. I still had my memory then, so what the hell? Am I just losing my mind?)

"And the guys at Cheers-- C'mon, Hyde. They don't respect you. They were all like, 'oh, there goes Hyde, into her party mode. She's gettin' it on!' You shouldn't hang out there. I mean, every guy in there knows that if they get you shit-faced enough, they can take you home and fuck you."

"That's so unfair," I said. (Now it seemed like he was just trying to hurt my feelings. Was this all coming out of his stupid 'wounded pride?')

"Besides, Stallion-- So what if they think that. It's not true. I only have to live with myself and I'm comfortable and okay with my behavior. I don't owe a moral explanation to anyone, you know? Even still, though... I've only been with you and Narc--that's it--for months."

"Look, I'm just lookin' out for you, girl," he said. "I don't care what you do, I mean you don't have to explain yourself to me. You can live your life however you want, you know? I'm just worried about you, that's all. And it's not cool to hang out in a place where people are disrespecting you, so I'm just giving you a heads up."

"Whatever..." I rolled over. I hate being sober at night.

I had ten million thoughts racing through my mind.

"Well, I'm sorry I did that to you," I said. "It's so awful of me and I don't blame you for not wanting to go back there. I didn't mean to embarass you or disrespect you like that. I really didn't." (God, I'm an awful person... I manage to drive everyone away somehow.) "I don't know, Stallion. I don't know why... I mean, I don't ever want to treat people like that. I can't believe I could do that. I mean, what was I thinking?"

"I said something to you then," he told me, "but you were all like 'leave me the fuck alone; you have a girlfriend, so you have no right..."

"Yeah, but I still can't believe I would do that. I don't know. Maybe I was just angry. I just feel really tossed around lately. Like every guy will give me a little piece, but no one wants to offer me a package deal. It makes me feel like shit and I have trouble manifesting anger. I don't know." (Uh oh, Hyde... Stop yourself. Don't go all psycho-babble on him. He doesn't care why you did it, only that you embarassed him.)

I changed gears. "Listen, it doesn't matter at this point. I've already decided to try to cut the drinking."

"Well, you've got to do it for yourself," he said. "Otherwise, you let people think badly of you and talk shit about you."

"I know..."

We lay there for a while together, but I was unsettled. I was wide awake, my body tensed, and my mind racing over whatever memory I had left of that night.

"I see those wheels turning in your head," he said.

I felt very far away from him.

"Let's see what I can do to cheer you up..."

Then, lots more fucking. It distracted me for a few moments, but didn't "cheer me up." After it was over, he was clearly heading into sleep mode. He said he has to leave really early (like a 5:30 alarm--that's only an hour and a half away). I lay there for a while, but I couldn't sleep. I mean, I can't sleep. I don't want him in my bed right now, but I'm not about to kick him out. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be with Narc right now either. I don't want to be with any of these men who are just fucking my body and discarding the rest of me. Then they turn around and criticize me for treating them the same way. I got up to come blog.

I mean, think about it. I tried to offer my heart and my soul to Narc. He rejected that package. He literally told me I should "move on." Last fall when I started telling him I wanted to be faithful to him, he repeatedly told me to "take other guys up on their offers." However, this past Sunday when I gently tried to bring up the condom issue for his benefit, he looked at me like I'm some kind of whore. Now the Stallion is on my back, telling me that I embarassed him and myself because once again, I'm just some kind of whore. (Well, they certainly both treat me that way!)

First of all, I am not. But second of all, even if I am, what does he expect? How the fuck did he meet me? From a one night stand in the bar. Does he want to take me out? Get to know me? Do anything that would show some regard for my humanity? No! He calls me for a "fuck and run;" He is the one "whoring around," cheating on a long-term committed relationship. Yes, it was awful and shitty of me to kiss someone else in front of him (if I even did that), but whatever. If I did it and I was that wasted, it was poor judgement and nothing more. Leave me the fuck alone, you know?

I don't know, guys. What do these men want from me? I'm giving them all the sex they ask for whenever and however they ask for it. They say that all they want is sex and nothing more. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Apparently that just means that they don't want to give anything else from themselves. As for me, well I'm just supposed to keep on giving. I'm supposed to be all devoted and exclusive and stroking their egos while Narc emotionally abuses me and the Stallion goes home to his girlfriend. What the fuck?!?!

UGHHH! I can't deal with these fucking double standards. Even the flirty Colombian (whom I've never had more than two or three conversations with) turned into an asshole when I showed up with another guy.

On top of that, I honestly can't think of anyone who meets the description of this elusive "guy I made out with." I'm having trouble believing that it happened. Maybe I didn't "make out" with anyone... Maybe I was just flirting, or being a little touchy feely with a friend or something. I can't wait until Anxious writes me back and can fill me in on all this a little.

I don't know. I'm fucking sick of all of this. I give and give and give, and what am I left with? Guys who have no respect for me at all, except perhaps as an entertaining sperm depository.

I feel like shit, and if I can't drink, I don't think I'm ever going to get a wink of sleep again.

Uh oh... The Stallion just came out here to see his "little insomniac." He wants another go at it.

A la Sunshine:
Lesson learned: I don't know... Apparently nothing learned since I'm going back in to fuck the Stallion, even though I just wrote an entire rant on how it degrades me. Will I ever learn my lesson? Sunshine, can you help me out here? Anyone?

-hyde

_________________________________________________

Alright... It's 9:45 am, the Stallion just left and I came out here to edit and post last night's insomniac entry. In the process, I got an "illuminating" email from Anxious. (Which makes me even more nervous about the Stallion's motives.)

She wrote:

Hi H,

Well, I wasn't keeping tabs on you, because that's not my style. But I wasn't drunk, either, and I didn't see you making out with anyone at all. I did see you talk to the Colombian guy (in the normal, friendly way) and I saw you fall down and that's the extent of what I saw you do. I think I would have noticed if you were making out with somebody else, but I guess it's technically possible that you kissed someone while I was in the bathroom or something. Or while I was kissing BulgarianGuy.

As for why the Colombian guy is mad at you-- I have no clue either. But are you sure he's referring to that particular night last week? Could it have been another night?

In terms of the Stallion's friend being there-- You know, although I wasn't particularly drunk, I wasn't paying too close attention at that point in the night. I dimly remember talking about dropping Mike off somewhere, and although I don't really remember exactly how it happened, I do recall that at some point he wasn't there anymore, and I agree with you -- I could've sworn he WASN'T at Cheers later that night. My last memory of him is in the taxi in Brooklyn, discussing where he was going to get dropped off. I really hate it when people use "disrespect" as a verb, and I can't imagine why the staff at Cheers would do that. They love you. They know you have problems, but so do they and most of the people who come in regularly and most of the world, so why the hell would they talk shit about you? That doesn't sound right to me.

Gee, I wish I could help more. But here's my overall take on things:

1. If you want me to keep on eye on you when we go out, knowing you may black out, tell me and I'll be more observant.

2. I don't think Mike was there at Cheers.

3. I don't think you kissed someone else, but given your advanced drunken state and my lack of attention, it's possible. However, why should the Stallion be preoccupied with it? He has a fiancee, for crying out loud.

4. It is possible that he is making some of this stuff up for some reason to make you feel bad, or guilt you into paying more attention to him, or something. Or it is possible that some of it did happen and you'll never know because you were too drunk. Blacking out is really scary, and it's an awful out-of-control feeling not to know what's been going on in your own life.

Stay calm, try to think positive thoughts, and only spend time with the people who make you feel good. If the Stallion starts giving you a hard time, tell him to quit or else.

Love you too :)
Anxious

WHAT DO YOU GUYS MAKE OF THAT?
IS THE STALLION A LIAR?
WHAT SHOULD I BELIEVE?