Leapin' Lizards!

Leapin' Lizards! Annie is on TV! Annie was only my absolute favorite movie throughout the earliest years of my life. I wanted to be Annie and would prance around with red curls, red velvet dress and all. So I'm happy with it right now.

As for the rest, today has been a day of eventful text-messaging. I still haven't called N back and am proud of myself for whatever little self-restraint that it shows.

The Stallion, however, is another story. After he wrote to me asking if he could "pick me up," I wrote him back the following:

Not sure yet where I'll be coming from. Will text you later...

I didn't want him to come here, because I didn't want to let myself fall into bed with him. (I can be quite a pushover in that department. It's the "people-pleaser" in me). I went next door to NDN's (to swap duty free items) and asked his advice. Above all, I hate girls that are a "tease." I guess you could call it a pet peeve. I absolutely abhor "big talkers" and flirts who don't follow through. I don't know why... So I asked NDN if I would be misleading the Stallion to invite him out without wanting the sex.

"Well, yes. Because sex is all that there is between you guys," he said.

So, with his guidance, I decided to write the Stallion back again. This was bold beyond belief for me! I said:

Look-- Would love to see you tonight, but feel a little strange b/c I don't want to have sex...

I didn't hear back from him for quite some time.

In the meanwhile, I also had an MG correspondence to deal with. Don't get me wrong-- I'm not really interested in the Stallion or in MG, and I really only truly want Narc, but Narc has made it abundantly clear that I can't have him. So in the interest of prepping myself to rid myself of my Narc-addiction, I'm shifting some boys from the back-burner to the front. I had texted MG in my drunken exploits "What's up?" on Thursday night. He responded on Friday morning:

Holidays were very busy. How are you?

This afternoon I decided to reply:

I'm good. Was in Argentina. Wanna meet up sometime next week?

His answer: Sure. Argentina. Huh. You'll have to tell me all about it.

So, we'll have to see where that goes.

In the meanwhile, back to the Stallion. A few hours after I sent the bold "no sex" message, I got a reply. He wrote:

Look, let's not complicate things. We have not seen each other in a long time. I miss you a lot. Let's just go out and have a fantastic time. We always have! Ok, damn text messaging is hard. I will pick you up at 9:30 with a wonderful smile, great company and flowers.

Wow. So the Stallion is courting me! What the Fuck? He is so smooth. Embedded in that text, I could still see some positioning for sex, and I didn't know what else to say after I had been so plain. So I didn't say anything. Instead, I set about doing the dishes. Mid pan-scrub, he called me. I picked up.

"Hey, beautiful!" he greeted me. "Did you get my texts?"

"Um, yeah... I got them. I just... I mean, I'm feeling a little strange and all because..."

"Because you're Hyde?"

"I know. I'm sorry," I said. "I know I can get sort of intense."

"Sort of intense?!?" he exclaimed. "More like incredibly, insanely intense! But that's okay. I've come to expect that from you and I can deal with it. It's cool. It's you. And I love you just the way you are."

"Yeah, well thanks."

(I don't know if it's coming across here, but this was one of the most awkward conversations I've had yet!)

"So, can I pick you up?" he asked.

"I guess... As long as we're clear. I mean, I just have a lot going on in my head and I don' t want to complicate things for myself any more than they already are. So, I really can't..."

"Can I give you big hug and a kiss, at least?" he asked.

"Well, yeah, that's okay. As long as there's nothing more... well... complicated, right?"

"Don't worry, Hyde! You worry way too much. I just want to have some fun with you. Lighten up, you know? We always have a blast!"

I started to remember why I liked this guy to begin with.

"Yeah, I could use some fun!" I agreed. "Lighthearted..."

"One day, I'm going to take you for coffee," he said. "And we're going to sit down and have a long talk."

"That sounds good."

I can't imagine what that would be like.

So, that's that. It's just about 6:00. He'll be here in a few hours. Until then, I'm going to clean and watch some more Annie and sing along whenever I can.

I've been regressing into childhood musicals lately. Yesterday I sat at my computer for hours, crying and listening to Gordon Macrae sing Carousel. Gordon Macrae. Damn. That voice in that role is my man. He is first man with whom I've ever been in love. I was five years old when I first heard him and he won my heart in a way I've never experienced since. It was an entirely pure and fully enrapturing love, a pure childlike love, but intensely sexual in a way that I could never have understood at the time. I'm brought back to it when I hear him sing.

(But, hmm.... Learning about one's first love from Carousel can NOT have been a good thing...)

Anyway, hopefully the Stallion will be able to help me keep my mind off N this evening. I don't know what I'm going to do about N. I don't know what I'm going to do about my broken heart. But I'm reaching my limit. Yes, even I have limits.

Leapin' Lizards! Something's got to give.