Back on the Stallion

This weekend I hardly did anything productive, although I feel thoroughly squared away to start an intense workday today. It wasn't helped by the fact that all I did Thursday and Friday was lay around the house in tears about Narc, until the opera Friday night. Saturday was a lot more of the same.

As I already told you, I texted the Stallion to invite him out to Nipkins' party. He accepted, but wanted to "pick me up." I wanted to avoid the "pick-up" because I was sure it was a code for pre-party sex. I hadn't seen him since May. He told me, in early May, that he "loves me," right around the same time as I was getting "back together" with N. So I stopped seeing him in order to avoid the whole issue. (I wrote about that last meeting here.) This time I didn't want to stumble into any kind of uncomfortable situation, so I told him upfront that I didn't want to have sex. I set about watching Annie and applying my makeup. At around 6:00pm, the phone rang.

It was Narc's number that came up on my cell phone and my stomach tightened. I ignored the call. My land line rang. I sat frozen in my chair, eyeshadow brush in hand. I pricked my ears. He was leaving another message, although I couldn't hear what he was saying. I was in my bedroom and the machine went off in the living room. (Incidentally, I love the way his voice sounds, but whatever...) I waited a few more minutes, still glued to the floor. Finally, the tension started to dissipate. I warily picked up my cell to check the message. He was in the neighborhood, he said. He had just finished dinner with some friends and had another party to go to later that night, but he wanted to know if I had any time to meet up for a drink in the meanwhile.

I did battle with myself for about three seconds before calling him back. (I know, I know... Not too impressive). I told him that I could only see him until 8:00. I figured that should give me ample time to get home after our meeting and put on my finishing touches before the Stallion's arrival at 9:30. Narc and I agreed to meet at Cheers.

When I got there, the place looked empty. Peering through the window, I could see BarMan alone at the counter working on a crossword. I tried the door.

"Hey, Hyde!" he greeted me.

"Are you guys even open?" I asked.

"Yeah, we opened about twenty minutes ago."

"Hard to tell! What time do you open on Saturdays, these days?"

"It all depends," he laughed. "Just text me, if you want to know, and I'll tell you. I always open the place. Or check the football schedule. We usually open for a game."

I perched myself at the bar and ordered a glass of red wine, chatting with BarMan about my trip, his upcoming vacation to Punta Cana and my plans for the evening. I explained that I was meeting Narc to show him pictures but would be seeing the Stallion later and had to avoid being pressured into a sex. He laughed and shook his head.

Soon enough, Narc arrived. The only others to have joined us in the bar up to that point were FightingMensch and the girl he has recently been hanging out with. FightingMensch didn't look at N or say anything. I set about showing N the pictures from my trip. He seemed gloomy and I tried to cheer him up.

"At least one of us had a lot to do over the holidays," he said.

"You did a lot of blogging," I pointed out.

"Yeah, that's because I didn't do anything else."

Then our talk turned to the opera. I asked N if PopStarChick enjoyed it-- if she liked her birthday present.

"Yeah, she liked it." He paused. "Your present is on its way. It took a little difficulty to arrange, but it should be here in a few days to a few weeks."

I smiled, unsure of what to think or say.

Neither he nor PopStarChick really loved the opera, though. Narc didn't like the minimalist sets, and I don't think he quite expected the Weimar-nihilism. The play that he performed in college was Büchner's original-- imbued with much more of a 19th century liberal message than that to be found in Berg's interpretation. We talked about that for a while, and I defended the opera. I didn't want to be talking about PopStarChick, though. Narc told me she had been a classically trained pianist in Russia, that she knew all about classical music and that she was trying to remember the name of her favorite opera.

"Something...Igor," he said.

"Prince Igor," I answered. "It's Borodin."

Neither of them knew who James Levine was, either, (which in NY kind of precludes you from any sort of status as an opera buff), so she couldn't be that into classical music. Besides, I wanted to change the subject.

Later Narc told me that he had lost 10 pounds while I was away.

"Really? How'd you manage that?"

"Well, you were gone and CouchSleeper is in Ireland, so I really didn't do much drinking," he said. "I lost both my drinking buddies."

(Is that what I am?)

"Good for you," I said. "So, when are we going to have a 'real' hang-out, N?"

"I don't know. I don't want to go binge drinking, though. It would have to be a bottle of wine at home or something low key."

"That's totally fine! Since when have I insisted on going out drinking?"

"I don't know. We always just seem to wind up at the Patriot, or something."

"Yeah, but that's because you sleep in all day and then you want to get out of the house at midnight and there's nowhere else to go."

Our conversation went on for a while, about many different things. I found myself getting tipsy and I started trying to explain to Narc my Nostalgia post on the old "Annals." I wanted to tell him how this year I was resolved to to rid myself of illusions; how my New Year's resolution is to surround myself with people I respect, people who respect others around them, people who respect me-- generous people. He agreed that it was a good idea. I wonder if he understood at all what I meant. I tried to tell him how I wanted to stop making the effort to "dissolve" myself. I tried to talk to him about my "creative sublimation" vs. "love" theory. I felt like I was babbling, though.

By now it was after 8:00, and I had to go. N said that he had some time to kill and was going to head to a Starbucks on the West Side. On the street corner, I asked him for a hug.

"Yeah, sure," he said.

I gave him the most tremendous hug I could muster. He always awakens such incredible nurturing feelings in me. It's maddening. Once we had parted, I sent him a text.

It was really nice to see you. I missed you... I wrote.

He wrote back:

You too! Glad you enjoyed your trip. Will hang soon.

Back at my place, I finished getting ready, but the more I thought about it, the more I was sure it was a bad idea to have the Stallion come to my place. I decided to head back to Cheers and have him meet me there. BarMan laughed to see me back so soon. I ordered another drink and waited it out. Later, KHill arrived. I greeted him with a smile.

At long last the Stallion came through the door. When he saw me, he grabbed me, picking me up and kissed me. That guy radiates energy and fun, and I remembered again why I liked him to begin with.

We stayed at Cheers for a few more drinks. I was getting drunk much earlier in the evening than I would have liked. We also made out quite a bit at the bar, something I try not to do in front of the other "regulars," like KHill and FightingMensch and PumpedUp. But, oh well... What can you do? They had just seen me there with Narc, and then back with a second date, so I'm sure they all think I'm a promiscuous nutcase, but then again, I think they all thought that already. And I know that I'm not... (We were being kind of gross with the PDA, though...)

The Stallion and I progressed from there down to Nipkins' party. He kept going on about how much he missed me, and put his hands around my waist. The best thing about that guy is that he can get along famously with just about anyone. I didn't have to worry about him at all at the party as he made conversation with all of my old college friends as if he had known them for years.

At around 11:00 or so, NDN stopped by the party with his friend JC and JC's girlfriend. They didn't stay very long, as JC and his girlfriend are in from out of town and were exhausted. Upon leaving, NDN sent me the text, "I love the Stallion!" (If you want to know why, you'll have to ask him. But as NDN put it to me last June-- "too bad he's a sodomizing adulterer!") We stayed at the party for quite some time-- until I was drunk enough to have lost track of time. After that, the Stallion wanted to head over to Rudy's on the West Side, where some of his friends work. I was hesitant because it was a Rudy's bartender who assaulted me in the hallway of my building in November, 2004 (I don't think I ever told that story here). But the Stallion promised me that if that guy were there, we could leave right away.

At some point in the move between Revival and Rudy's, the Stallion brought up our Thursday night conversation-- the one that I have absolutely no recollection of.

"It made me sad, Hyde," he said. "Sad that you said you feel you can't trust me."

I said that to HIM? What???

"Well, you know..."

I didn't know what to say. I was just shocked that I had been so honest. Why do I feel hesitant around him physically? Some of you may not have been reading as far back as the early spring, so I'll give you a brief update.

(Well, first of all, if you want to know how I even met the Stallion in 2000, (and had a sordid hook-up with him and a friend of his) a few years back, I told that story here.)

The background: I bumped into the Stallion again in Summer '04, but he was just visiting NY, living in CA at the time with his girlfriend. Despite his relationship-status, we had a 2-3 week fling. It was right around the time that I first met Narc. That Fall, the Stallion returned to California.

In late February, Narc and I had a falling out and stopped talking to each other. Coincidentally, the Stallion moved back to NY to take care of his sick mother right about the same time.

We started hooking up. Then, one night in March we went to a party. He claims that I made out with other guys in front of him and his friend. I blacked out, so I don't know for sure what happened, but I highly doubt that I did that. Plus, I asked Anxious about it, as she was there, and she says I did nothing of the sort. (I wrote about that in my post Falling off the Stallion.) So, in my mind there was something fishy about the Stallion trying to manipulate me by using my black-outs against me.

After that, the next time I saw him, he was incredibly sexually rough with me, as if he wanted to "punish" me, not just in play, but for real. It scared the shit out of me and he ripped up my throat. (I wrote about that in my post: Ouch!)

The next time I saw him, in late April, he was apologetic. We had a great night until I got an unexpected call from Narc (with whom I wasn't really speaking at the time). Narc ended up coming to my apartment while the Stallion was still there. I told the Stallion to stay in my bedroom and I slept with Narc on the couch. It was incredibly crazy. I wrote about that here. The next day, I was sure the Stallion would be no longer speaking to me. I called him to apologize for my appalling behavior. He quickly forgave me.

I saw him once more in very early May. It was then that he told me that he's "in love" with me. But by that point, Narc and I had started seeing each other again. I didn't want the complication of the Stallion, so I dropped him.

I spoke to him on the phone once or twice since then, but hadn't seen him again until this weekend.

So, anyway, the reason I didn't trust him physically was because of the sexually brutal encounter we had that one time. Although, in all fairness to him, he didn't seem to realize how he had hurt me. At least, so he says.

This Saturday, at Rudy's he went on some more about how he "loves me."

"But, Stallion, you have a girlfriend!" I kept protesting. (One that he's been with for over five years, no less!)

He didn't seem to take that into account.

I can't say that I remember the very end of the night. I told him I wanted to go back to Cheers, and so we did. N texted me at around 12:30 am:

Still out? At friend's party in Soho, but leaving soon.

My response:

Not home yet...

I did text him again, when I got home (at around 3:00 am) to see if he was still awake, but he was not.

After the Stallion and I parted ways, he sent me a text as well:

Love you, he said.

Wow.

That's all I have to say about that.

In the meanwhile, I have that guy from the Patriot still texting me. What a can of worms I opened while in blackout-mode Thursday night! I'm hoping that enough ignoring will send the right message his way.

On Sunday I wasted much of the day puttering around my house. B and I met for lunch and had a nice talk over steaming bowls of soup. Later that evening I met my parents. They were in the city for an afternoon at the theater and afterwards we dined at a little Italian place. I showed them the pictures from my trip and gave them their souvenirs. My mom was especially thrilled with a Limoge piece I got her in the antiques district. NDN and I laughed about the pictures I removed from the pile before showing them to my parents-- I removed all those of booze, cigarettes, and sexy-shots of NDN. (And there were a lot of those!)

In terms of everything with N, I'm still not convinced that there is any hope for us, so I'm going to have to find a way to get this out of my life. The only question is how. It's too much for me to work out at this very moment. Besides, I've got more practical matters on the mind today.

Today I'm spending the day in my office catching up on grading. Boy, do I have a shitload of work to do! So, now that my story is told, I better get back to it!

Later...

-h