My Love for Heathcliff

Well, I have to get back into my Narc story from last week, or it's never gonna get told! So, let me, once again, just pick up where I left off...

If you recall, I met Narc last Saturday night at the Patriot and we had that discussion during which he told me not to go to AA anymore. I stayed over his place; the next day, I spent half the day with him and then I joined Hammer for Yom Kippur services. After all of that, on Monday morning, I woke up depressed.

I was supposed to go to services with Hammer again on Monday, but I was swimming in sadness and just couldn't motivate myself to get up out of bed. I ended up canceling on her, and she was pretty annoyed with me. I couldn't help it though. My head was spinning and I was sick to my stomach. Everything in my chest hurt. Everything felt out of control. I called B to talk, but ended up weeping on the phone.

"Let's just talk later," I suggested. "I don't want to get all out of control emotionally."

I didn't know where to put my feelings, or how to sit with them. I didn't want to call a friend and dump on anyone. I didn't want to be with anyone, but neither did I want to be alone. I sank down deeper under my covers. Finally, at nearly 1:00 pm, the tears streaming down my cheeks, I sent Narc a text:

I can't do this anymore... it's too painful for me.

I was scared to send that message and I didn't expect a reply. So, as you can imagine, I was surprised when my phone buzzed with an answer.

What, Jewish ceremonies? he wrote.

Ha ha. No. I skipped out on that today. Last night was enough of that for me. I'm just home today & sad. I meant me and you...

A moment later my phone rang. I really felt sick. I let it ring five times before I picked it up.

(Keep in mind, this is a much edited version of the over an hour long conversation that ensued. I just can't remember it word for word anymore!)

"Hey." My voice was scratchy and there was a sob in my throat. "What's up?"

"Nothing," he said. "Going to a concert with ModelChick tomorrow night."

"Oh, really? Who are you seeing?" I asked.

He gave me some answer that I don't remember. It was something about a DJ and the girl from Cocteau Twins.

"So, you didn't go to services today?" he asked.

"No. But I'm going to my aunt's house for dinner tonight. NDN is coming with me."

"Oh. Well, that's nice."

There was a long and pregnant pause.

"So... Is there something you wanted to talk about?" he ventured.

"I don't know, Narc. I don't know."

"There must be something..."

And then it all came out like a flood. I told him that it hurts. It just plain hurts.

"I can't be doing this with you while you're pursuing someone else. You know that I love you," I sighed. "It's too confusing to me. I don't know where things stand... where I--" I was crying hard and fast.

"I love you too, Hyde," he interrupted. "I really do."

"You don't!"

I started to cry harder. I could hardly breathe.

"I do. But there's no future for us. I've told you that before. There's just no future, and I've made that very clear."

I couldn't answer. I could barely catch my breath between sobs. He didn't say anything. He just listened to my pain on the phone.

"Hyde? Are you there?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm here. I'm here, Narc, but I don't get it. I just don't get it. I don't know how you can hold this all together in your head. I don't know how you can say that you love me and be loving someone else too, or trying to..."

"C'mon, Hyde... You've known from the beginning that you and I weren't going forward. You're seeing other people too, aren't you?"

"Not really."

"Well, you should be... I mean, I thought you were. I remember having this conversation back in February."

"Yeah, when I was seeing Double-T. But I couldn't sleep with him. I can't sleep with anyone else. I can't really be with anyone else when I love you."

"But you should, Hyde," he said. (I couldn't believe what I was hearing.) "It'll help you feel better."

"Not really. I can't fuck someone else, okay? It feels dishonest... violating... invasive."

"You can't live in your feelings."

"My heart is my heart, Narc. I hate it, but that's who I am. You know that. I don't get how you can do otherwise."

"I don't know. I mean, I do love you. And when I'm with you, I'm with you. But when I go into work-mode, I turn the other stuff off. And when I'm with PopStarChick, I turn the other stuff off, and when I'm with ModelChick, I turn the other stuff off... You know what I mean?"

"I wish that it were that easy for me to switch on and off," I said. "I hate my heart sometimes. I just fucking hate it. It's so awfully Wuthering Heights. It's oppressive and I hate it."

"You're just very emotional."

"'My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath-- a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff-- he's always, always in my mind--not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself--but as my own being.'"

"Oh my God, you're dramatic. But, don't hate it, Hyde. You just need to find the right person to be with, you know?"

I didn't answer.

"I do love you," he went on. "But you and I are no good for each other. You deserve someone who will be 100% with you, if that's what you want. Like I said-- there's no future. We're not going to end up married, or something. We just have bad energy, you know? We watch TV together. That's our energy. I need to be with someone who is going to motivate me... move me to do my best."

"Narc, I'm not crazy," I said. "I'm not. I don't think we're going to end up together. I don't really want that either. Believe me-- I'm not sitting around wanting to marry you! I don't think you bring out the best in me either... I know you're right in that. It's just that... I don't know. Once my heart has been given, I can't so easily take it back. And it really hurts."

"I don't want to be hurting you, Hyde."

"I know you don't."

The pain in my chest was so great, and yet, I was starting to feel numb.

"We should stop sleeping together," he said. "If this is hurting you like this, we should stop."

"It has been hurting. It always has," I whispered.

"I thought we were on the same page, Hyde," he said.

"What page would that be?"

"That we were having fun together. You know... We don't have a future. I'm trying to see if there's a future for me with PopStarChick, but I don't know if there is. I don't know if she wants to be with me or not. You know... Like I told you, we're not exclusive. I was only seeing her every ten days or so. I don't even know if she has the time for me."

"Narc, I don't want to hear about that."

"No, really, though... my friends all keep telling me not to put all my eggs in one basket. That I should keep dating other people. You know? Because everything is so unsure with her. I was out with ModelChick last night and she told me just that-- not to put all my eggs in one basket with PopStarChick. Everyone thinks I should date, so I thought it was okay that I was still seeing you."

"I wouldn't exactly call what you and I do 'dating,'" I snapped.

I was starting to feel hostile.

"I don't see how what you're doing makes any sense," I continued. "Put all your eggs in one basket? You don't have any 'eggs' with me! You don't have anything at stake with me..."

"Hyde, I thought we were having fun, you know? It's nice to be with someone. I mean, human contact is a good thing, right?"

"Human contact? Is that what you want? Why don't you just call a prostitute."

"What? I would never do that."

"Why? Because you get it from me for free? Lucky you! I don't even ask you for travel money. But seriously-- I could be anyone for all you care. Is that what it's about? A fucking warm body?"

"Hyde, it's not like that. I really do care about you."

"Well, it feels like that to me."

"It's not like that. There are other women I could call... plenty of other women. But I choose to be with you."

That was a joke. I rolled my eyes and tried to keep from laughing right into the phone.

"Okay, Narc... Whatever. I don't think we're getting anywhere with any of this."

"Do you want me to stop calling you, Hyde? Do you want to take a break for a few months? I mean, I thought we could be friends, but..."

"Friends? You thought we could be friends? Yeah, we pretend to be friends, but when have we ever been friends? You don't even know me!" I cried. "That's how you wanted it from the beginning!"

"What do you mean?"

"From the very start, Narc! Summer, 2004. I wanted to go out... do things together. You told me that we couldn't. That we couldn't do simple things like brunch because if we were fucking and friends, that would mean we were in a relationship and you didn't want that. You said you weren't looking for a relationship."

"Wait a minute--" he interjected. "I never said I didn't want a relationship. I said that you and I didn't have potential. And I didn't mean that we were in a relationship if we were friends. I just wanted to keep the distance there, so no one would get hurt."

"Well, it's a little too late for that."

(I thought of that conversation back in December when he told me that he's not boyfriend material.)

"I've tried to be your friend, Hyde," he said. "I went to everything you invited me to."

"Like what?"

"Like your birthday party... and out for Memorial Day."

Do you guys see how he fucks with my sense of reality. Suddenly, Narc seemed rational and I seemed like the crazy one. My head was spinning out of control.

"I don't know, Narc. I just don't see how we can be friends, with the dynamic that we have between us."

"So... do you want a break for a few months?" he asked. "Do you want me to stop calling you?"

Suddenly, I started to panic. The thought of his disappearance was too much for me to bear.

"I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore. I just don't know."

"Because if this is hurting you, then that's no good," he said.

His voice sounded so cold. How can he be so controlled?

"I don't know. I don't want to do anything drastic right now," I said through the tears.

I was in a panic and caving in.

"I'm too emotional. I'm too emotional right now and probably not making much sense. I don't want to make any big decisions with my heart like this. I mean, I'm too emotional to reason."

He laughed.

"Yes, you can be a very emotional girl."

I didn't answer.

"Anyway, I have to go," he said. "I've got a meeting about the law suit and Mark is coming over in a few."

"Okay."

"So, I guess I'll talk to you soon," he said.

"Yeah, I just need to clear my head."

"Okay, take care."

"Okay. Bye."

And that was that. Narc and I had broken out of our roles, just for a little while, and had a real conversation. Too bad it was inconclusive and left me flushed, feverish and soaked in tears. I got out of bed and attempted to pull myself together.

I called B to tell him what had happened.

"You should get out of the house, Hyde," he suggested. "Go to a meeting, go have dinner with your family tonight. You can still have a nice day. Don't live in what just happened."

"You're right. You're right."

So, I did just that. I went to a 3:15 round-robin meeting and I shared about what I was feeling. A woman in the meeting passed me a note and told me about a "Double Winner's meeting" on Saturdays. I actually went to it... I think I mentioned it already in an earlier post-- AA plus Al-Anon. Anyway, after that, I broke the Yom Kippur fast when I ate a muffin, drank some coffee, smoked some cigarettes and met NDN to head to Long Island for the official "break-fast."

I brought the amethyst ring with me to Long Island. Did I ever tell you guys about that? On Thursday, Sept. 28th, I bought myself an amethyst and diamond ring on my mom's charge card. It was a horribly impulsive addict thing to do, and to make it right, I decided to give my mom the ring until I can pay it off. So, I gave it to my mom last Monday and felt better once it was no longer in my possession. When I get it back, I'll take a picture of it and post it here.

Anyway, the holiday dinner was nice. NDN and I had a nice long chat on the train back to the city. As we were hailing a cab, my phone buzzed. It was Narc! I couldn't believe it! I had thought for sure that it would have been at least a week until I would hear from him. I guess he was nervous about my near departure from his life and wanted to cement things. Anyway, here's what he wrote:

P&P on.

(That's Pride & Prejudice" for those of you who didn't guess it...)

"Don't write back, Hyde!" NDN advised. "Call me, if you have to, before you write back to him. Don't put yourself through this again, though. Don't answer tonight!"

I agreed that answering was probably a bad idea.

NDN and I came back to our building. I went down to the basement with him to pick up a suitcase out of his storage space. (He left to visit a friend in Ireland later in the week). Then, I came back to my place. Just about half an hour after Narc's message, I couldn't control myself. I wrote back. I was tired and aching in my chest and just wanted to. I have no other explanation for it.

Which channel? I wrote.

Narc: 217

Hyde: Ah, but it's nearly over

Narc: "Oh Mr. Darcy, Mr. Darcy..."

Hyde: Yes. Darcy is lovely.

Narc: Keira Knightly dating him in real life.

Hyde: Look at you, w/ the Hollywood gossip...

Narc: Actors... all they do is fuck...

Hyde: Hmm... Not like academics... or writers, Huh?

So, as you can see, Narc and I both slipped back into denial... back into our masks... back into a roles... the truth was no longer to be spoken of.

After that, he didn't write back. I started to panic.

Did I say something wrong? Was he upset at me that I brought up "fucking" again. Was he trying to be "just friends" and there I went and made things more complicated?

I started to feel nervous and nauseated.

Was he mad at me?

Was he mad at me?

I couldn't sit with it, so I wrote to him again:

Good night, I said.

I waited for half an hour. Still no answer. So, I wrote again.

You still there?

Again, he didn't answer. This was pathetic. I hated myself. I forced myself into bed, and tried to fall asleep.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up and checked my phone. Still, there was no response from the night before. By 4:00 pm, I was losing my mind. So, I wrote him again!

Have fun at the concert, I wrote.

Still, he did not respond. Okay. So I was being "punished" or "ignored." I couldn't tell which, but there was nothing to do but wait.

That night I went to my home group meeting where I'm a greeter. Meema came with her husband and it was cool to get to meet him. I also finally saw my sponsor and "confessed" to her that I had seen Narc on Saturday night and lied to her about it on Sunday afternoon. We had a good chat though, and I generally felt better about things with her.

As I was walking home from that meeting, Brick called. I hadn't seen him in over two weeks, so we made last minute plans to meet up at a diner. It was really great to see him again. He told me all about his new temp job and about the new guy he's dating-- Sherbie. Brick also had some very strange news. He told me that the counselor who runs our Wednesday night group was leaving the place where we do outpatient and that the next night would be her last. I couldn't believe that she was leaving so suddenly without it was the last night she would be there, I decided to try to move things around to make it.

Despite all of the pain and drama of the weekend, I was starting to feel a little more supported-- by my home group, my sponsor, Meema, Brick, and of course, B and NDN. As such, Wednesday was a little more even keeled.

It was a beautiful day out on Wednesday and after teaching, I headed to Grand Central to meet BigSis to go to the Mets playoff game. BigSis and I rode the 7-train to Shea where we met B and Bro-in-Law already in their seats. I was wearing a black Mets t-shirt with "Reyes" and the number "7" on the back. I don't know anything about baseball, but BigSis is a huge fan and Reyes is her favorite player.

It was nice to be at the game. I hadn't been to the stadium all summer, and even though I don't like sports, I grew up going to the Mets games and so it always smacks of childhood for me. It was also really nice to be outdoors.

Anyway, the Mets were winning until the Dodgers tied the game up. Unfortunately, as good a time as I was having, I had to leave before the end of the game if I wanted to get back to Manhattan for group that night. And as it was my counselor's last session, I did want to be there. So, I left at the top of the 8th and caught the news while on the subway that the Mets won the game! Hooray!

Anyway, there's a lot more that went down between me and Narc this week, but I'm exhausted from writing and I need to get going...

So, I hope you're all well out in blogland.

love,
h

"I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always-- take any form-- drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"

PS: I just checked what I was doing one year ago. Damn. I suddenly feel a hell of a lot better about today. Check it out...the post was entitled "I feel like hell..."