Narc...Narc...Narc... Brick!

Okay, so back to the never-ending Narc drama of the past week.

I left you all off after that all too real conversation last Monday during which Narc told me flat out that we have no future and I told him flat out that it hurts too damn much for me to continue on like this. I think the last thing I wrote about was my trip to the Mets game with B, BigSis and Bro-in-Law.

I rushed back from the game in order to make my Wednesday night group, but when I got there, I was met with a surprise. The group was being led by a new man-- the director of the entire clinic, in fact! Our counselor had disappeared under some shady circumstances and wouldn't be back, even for closure and termination. It was quite an awkward group, but I finally had to jump in and let it out-- everything about the fight Narc and I had about AA and the entire Monday night conversation.

After group, I got into bed early, curled up, and dozed off to sleep by midnight.

The next thing I knew, the phone was ringing. It was 5:00 am. Yes, it was Narc.

"I just wanted to talk to you," he said. "I just wanted to be with you... near you."

"Okay... But, I'm not sure what that means."

This was all followed by the (inevitable?) "what are you wearing?" question and some phone sex. I am such a push-over, it's a complete and utter joke.

"We shouldn't be doing this. We shouldn't be doing this, Hyde. I want to see you, but... I don't want to hurt you. And I don't know about PopStarChick--"

"Narc! New rule-- I don't want to hear about her. And besides, it's a little too late for 'I don't want to be doing this,' don't you think?"

"I know, but we're friends now, Hyde... just friends..."

"I don't masturbate on the phone with my friends."

"Oh."

He laughed. He was clearly drunk.

"Does that mean I can see you, then?"

"It's 5:30 am."

"I know."

"The sun will be coming up soon."

"Just come here, Hyde."

"You know what? Fuck it. I'm on my way."

I scrambled into a cab and was in his building lobby twenty minutes later.

The doorman buzzed upstairs to him. There was no answer.

"Try again. I know he's there," I said.

He tried again. No answer. He tried again. No answer. My stomach was sinking.

I'm going to fucking KILL HIM! I thought.

I called his phone and left a message. I called again. No answer. The doorman buzzed again. No answer. I was on the verge of tears.

"Can I just go up there and ring the doorbell?" I asked.

"I can't let you do that ma'am. I can't let you go up there unescorted."

"Is there someone who can escort me, then?"

"Hold on. Let me see."

A few minutes later, one of the porters came out and walked me to the elevator.

"I saw him come home a little while ago," he told me. "Man, did he look tired."

"I know he's expecting me," I mumbled through gritted teeth.

When we got up to Narc's door, I rang the doorbell. Suddenly, my cell phone rang. It was Narc.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"Outside your door!" I exclaimed.

The door swung open.

"Narc! Wait!" I wedged myself in front of the door. Narc was naked. The porter was embarrassed and scurried off back to the lobby.

Once I got inside, Narc started to kiss me and undress me.

"I love you, darling," he said. "I love you so much."

(He is really big on the "I love you's" these days. It's emotionally exhausting for me to keep my defenses up.)

Then it was some sex and sleep.

The next morning, we stayed in bed until nearly 1:00 pm. Narc woke up with a hacking cough. We had sex anyway. For several hours.

"I think I'm going to go back to bed," he announced.

"Okay. Try to get outside at some point today, though. You'll feel better. I've gotta go teach now."

After teaching, I went to an AA meeting. As I was walking home, I turned my phone back on. I had a text from Narc.

Just got up and it's dark out!! Ugh, kill me now...

I called him right away, laughing.

"I knew it! I knew it!" I said. "I knew you were going to be a vampire. It was daybreak when I got to you this morning!"

"Wanna come over again and keep me company?" he asked. "I really need to get out of the house. We can go get a bite at Blaue Gans if you like."

"Sure. But I can't be there for at least two hours. I'm just out of my 'cult meeting,' and I have to go home and shower and change, etc. I haven't been home since you called me out of my sleep last night and I'm all gross from having sex all day."

"If only your students knew," he laughed.

"Ewww. Don't say that!"

So, I walked the rest of the way home, took a nice long shower and took my time getting ready. At around 10:00, I sent him a text telling him that I would be later than I originally thought.

Dying...! Came the reply.

By the time I got to Narc's place, it was nearly 11:00 and Blaue Gans was no longer serving food. I told Narc to bundle up, as there was a chill in the air, and we went strolling looking for an alternative. His cough was getting worse and worse.

"I don't mean to gross you out, but I vomited this afternoon," he said.

"What?!? What happened?"

"From the cough. I just coughed so hard."

He can be such a drama queen. As we were walking, Narc said that he couldn't get much air into his lungs.

"Don't mind me if I'm a little woozy or wobbly on my feet," he said.

"I think I can handle it," I smiled. "I've seen you at all levels of intoxication."

We ended up at Edwards, a little bistro on West Broadway. I ate an omelet. Narc couldn't eat much at all. We had a nice talk, though. A talk about life... about God, about loneliness, about change. It's very rare, but at moments like those, I actually feel like we're real friends and that we have something in common. Then it all slips back into role play.

After dinner it was just past midnight. Narc was still coughing, so I suggested we get him some cough medicine. He said that he was out of money, so I paid for it. Then it was back to his place where we watched Bill Mahr and climbed into bed. Strangely domestic, n'est pas?

The next morning I had to leave to go have lunch with B. I left Narc curled up on his couch playing video games.

"Give me a call if you're not feeling well or if you need anything at all!" I said. "I don't have much planned for tonight, so I could always come back here if you needed me to!"

"I think I'll be okay," he smiled. "I'm going to go to the doctor today."

"Okay. Are you sure you don't need anything?"

"Actually... Could you go get me some laundry detergent?" he asked.

"Um... yeah." (Why do I DO things like that???)

I ran across the street to the deli, ran the detergent back up to Narc and then dashed out the door to go meet B.

I met him at my apartment. It was a chilly day for early October, so we ate Chinese and I had a piping hot bowl of noodle soup. Yum!

Later that day I came home, did a little work and lounged around. I was starting to feel run down myself. I sent Narc a text.

How was the doctor?

He wrote back: Finally out. No diagnosis. Like all Western doctors: completely useless. Gave me a general purpose antibiotic, though, which should do the trick.

At around 6:30, I wrote to him again, asking if he wanted to meet up. I didn't want to spend the night alone and was trying to make evening plans.

Feeling same, but will probably survive. May just lie low this evening, not sure.

That was fine with me... I guess. Instead, I made plans to meet up with Brick and Sherbie for dessert. I showered and changed and did my hair and makeup when, lo and behold, Brick called and flaked out on me!

"Let's meet for lunch tomorrow instead!" he suggested.

"I can't. I'm meeting BigSis and English."

"How about dinner? Sherbie and I can make you dinner at my place."

I agreed, even though I was disappointed. So, you can imagine my elation at around 10:00 pm when I got the following text from Narc:

Going to see "departed" at 11 if you want to come...

I immediately sprang into action, buying my ticket online and jumping into a cab. Narc suggested that I pick him up in the cab on the way to the theater. When we got there, though, he said he had no money to help chip in. I am dirt poor these days, so it was really bothersome to me.

"Fine," I said. "But at some point, we have to split up cab costs or something. I've spent at least $50 coming to see you this week and I can't afford it. If you're going to call me late at night for these visits, you have to help me out."

"Yeah, yeah.... of course," he said.

But, I wasn't sure if he meant it.

It's interesting-- Narc really is looking for a job these days... his first "real" job ever. I guess his mom really is about to cut him off. Still... It's not fun to be buying him laundry detergent and cough medicine and paying for cabs when I know he just took PopStarChick to the Ritz Carleton. Whatever...

I already wrote about this, and told you guys that I loved the movie. (Dan-- I'm not sure whether or not Narc saw the original. I didn't even know that there WAS one!)

The next day, I left Narc's early to go to that "Double Winners" meeting and told him so.

"I've got to run," I said. "I've got another cult meeting to attend."

He smiled at my sarcasm. I'd rather we have it this way, though, than for me to be lying to him about my recovery.

Before I left his place, I noticed his cell phone plugged into its charger in the kitchen. I feel AWFUL about this, and can't believe I'm confessing it here, but I picked it up and looked at his texts. He had sent PopStarChick the exact same text as he had sent me about his visit to the doctor. She had written something back like

Oh, honey, darling! Make sure you drink some hot tea with lemon and honey.

I have to wonder how she has text messaging to the US from Russia. The whole thing made me want to puke. Then I heard Narc's bedroom door open. I snapped the phone shut. I hate myself for how I snooped. It's really not how I am, in general. I just feel so insanely insecure with Narc. I never know where things stand. For example, did he ask me to go see the movie because he wanted me to come back that night, or did he ask three other girls first. Ugh! I can't let Narc do that to me... make me become someone that I don't respect. It left me feeling "dirty" in a way. I was glad to get out of there and to go to the "Double Winners" meeting.

After the meeting, I called a few women from my home group that I hadn't reached out to before. Here's the compromise that I've come to in terms of Narc... I HAVE to stop beating myself up for seeing him. It doesn't help. That said, if I want to continue seeing him, I MUST stay out of bars and away from alcohol, I CAN'T allow myself to participate in anything that's too sexually degrading (I'll leave out the details on that one!) and I MUST pursue new relationships with sober women in AA to build my strength. That, I think I can do. So, I feel a little better about it all this week.

Anyway, like I said in an earlier post-- I met my sister and English and we saw "The Queen." That night, I did, indeed, go to Brick's for dinner and had a great time meeting Sherbie. Brick and I put on a horror movie but he fell asleep. I headed home, pit-stopped at Cheers (foolishly) and then came home and went to bed. I saw that Narc had sent me a text while I was at Brick's (I don't know why my phone didn't buzz!). He said that he went to see Shortbus, an indie film. So, I texted him back before bed, but he didn't write back.

The next morning (we're up to Sunday now! Almost all caught up!) I woke up with my throat hurting even more. I sent Narc a text:

Uh oh. Hurts to swallow. Good thing I have no teaching tomorrow. Columbus day! How are you?

That is a typical manipulative Hyde text. I really just wanted him to know that I didn't have to teach the next day and that I was "available for him" should he want me to come over. He didn't answer though. Nor did he call. Let the knots in my stomach begin their knotting!

For the rest of the day, I had to wonder why he was ignoring me. The only logical explanation? That our sobering phone call the previous Monday had scared him into spending those three nights with me, but now that I had shown myself to be infinitely available, he didn't have to bother with the courtesy of responding to me. I'd clearly be there either way. (Yes... feeling just a little like I completely suck.)

I decided I had to get on with my day in my own way. That night, I invited Brick to come with me to my home group meeting. Then I made plans to meet another girl from the group for coffee before the meeting.

I need to give her a name... Hmm... I think I'll call her Lana.

So, I met Lana for coffee near the meeting and we got to talking. We have some very similar issues in terms of how we relate to men. The only thing? She's a junior in college! It made me feel very old. She's seven years younger than I am, and it showed, just in terms of where she's at in her self-discovery and her world view. She has about 11 months sober and she was really cool. I'm glad I went out with her. I totally feel comfortable calling her now if I ever need to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through. I suppose that's the point of "fellowship," right?


Lana went in to the meeting early, as she's a greeter. I waited to meet Brick outside. I was glad that he came because I think he really enjoyed it. Since he started temping (and dating Sherbie) he's only been going to meetings once a week or so. I have officially decided that I can't worry about it, as it's not my problem, but even so... it made me feel good to bring him to a "fun" meeting with a lot of young people. As I introduced him around, it was amazing to realize just how many people I've already gotten to know in my home group. I think that Brick, too, realized what he's missing out on by not putting down roots anywhere.

Brick laughed when I pointed out a guy to him in the meeting who I sort of have a crush on. This guy has total arm sleeve tattoos. He's SO not as effete as Narc. I don't really want him (or anyone but Narc) and I'm certainly not going to pursue it, but I think it's good for me to nurture some new crushes. I need an opening in my heart.

After the meeting, Brick and I had dinner at a diner. He asked if I wanted to stay over his place that night. It felt good to be hanging out with him... I really do miss the intensity of our friendship earlier this summer, but at the same time-- I have to remember to proceed with caution as far as Brick is concerned. I agreed to walk him home and hang out for a while, but I said that I didn't want to stay over.

Once back at Brick's place, we took Lucy out for a walk and stopped for ice cream. I felt anxious though. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Narc had been ignoring me since Saturday. (I know it was only one day, but it felt like an ETERNITY!)

After the ice cream, we went back to Brick's and watched some TV (that new show with Calista Flockhart). We sat around and talked and I asked Brick about things with him and Sherbie. It's strange... Brick acts just like Narc in his romantic relationships.

"I was dying when you were telling Sherbie about taking care of Narc and buying him the cough medicine," Brick said. "Because I was complaining that I was sick the other day, and Sherbie got all concerned and went to buy me cough medicine."

"It's no mistake that you and I became such close friends," I laughed.

Brick and I were having a great time and everything was going along just fine when my phone buzzed. It was Narc! He was answering my text from that morning.

Not much improvement, still coughing, etc. Can't believe I'm sitting around watching "A Knight's Tale," but there we have it...

What came next was a HUGE source of stress for me. Brick grabbed the phone from me and started to write something back.

"Brick! Give me back the phone!"

He held it away from me.

"I mean it, Brick! It's not funny! Stop it!"

He kept typing.

"Brick!!! If you send anything to Narc, I'll kill you. I mean it!!! I'll punch you in the face! It's not funny!!!"

I was starting to feel panicked and hysterical. Finally, I jumped on him to grab the phone. He had already pressed "send." I furiously started pressing the "stop" button to cancel the message. Thank GOD I did it in time. Want to know what Brick wrote?

U need to learn to take care of urself.

I was ready to fucking KILL him. I grabbed the phone and my bag and stormed out the door.

"Hyde! Where are you going?" he called after me.

"Fuck you!"

I stood by the elevator, my chest heaving. I really thought I was about to have a panic attack. I couldn't seem to get a deep enough breath. My temples were throbbing and my throat felt tight. Brick came out to look for me. He was laughing.

"C'mon, Hyde. Give me a hug."

"Don't you fucking TOUCH ME!" I shouted at him, shoving him away.

I got into the elevator and disappeared into the lobby. I was so dizzy though, that I couldn't go far. I had to stop and sit on a bench in his building.

He does... and u need to stay away from him, Brick wrote.

Fuck you. You have no business messing with my heart like that, I wrote back.

Brick: K... Can we chat?

Hyde: I'm coming back up for my cigs.

Brick: Hyde.. I didn't mean to hurt you... just help u stand up to him

Once I was back at his place, though, it wasn't much better. He tried to hug me and I pushed him away.

"Get off of me!" I said. "I can't trust you and I don't want you touching me."

I tried to explain to Brick how what he did was so upsetting... how it shook every ounce of possible stability and security in me for him to take my phone and write something like that to Narc! I'm always so careful with Narc! It's not a "joke" that I can clean up. (It's like I always say to NDN-- "There's nothing funny about Narc and Hyde.")

"You know I love you, though, Hyde... You can't stay mad."

"No. I guess I can't. But do you understand why I'm so upset?"

Brick decided that he was done talking about it.

"I don't want to argue," he said. "I need to get to bed. So... see you another time?"

I couldn't believe it.

"You're too much, Brick! You call me back up here 'to chat,' and then as soon as you're sure that you're out of the hot water, you kick me out?!? What about my feelings?"

I stormed into the hall once again and slammed the door behind me. Lucy had followed me out, though, and so Brick had to come looking for her. I didn't even look at him as I once again disappeared into the elevator.

This time, I started to cry-- to sob, in fact. I felt so tired... so weary... I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread sometimes, and I just can't take the badgering. I sent Narc a text, to make sure that things were okay. Then I texted the entire fight with Brick to B. B ended up calling me and giving me a big hug over the phone to make me feel better. Meanwhile, my throat was hurting worse and worse and I felt feverish and dizzy. I was grateful, when I got home, to just collapse into bed.

Okay, so that takes us all the way up through Monday. I am EXHAUSTED from writing, and I need to go get a hair cut, so for the moment, I'll leave it at that.

Hope you are all well!

love,
h