Let's start with today...
Today:
Right now, I'm wearing a brown sweater. I'm sitting at my home computer, even though I should be giving an office hour. Why? Because I agreed to meet B for lunch at my place. He just called me. He's stopping off to pick up some sushi for us.
Before I got here, I took a cab from school. The cab driver was Korean. He told me that New Yorkers are "savages" and that his job is insufferable. He told me to go to Asia to see what "respect" is all about. He was an old man who spoke little English. Our conversation started when we passed a Barry Manilow billboard and he asked me whether or not Barry Manilow had plastic surgery to look so young. I told him I thought the poster had been air-brushed. Anyway, he asked if I were married, and when I said "no," he told me not to get married before visiting Korea.
"Find an Asian man," he said. "He'll treat you like a queen!"
Kind of an odd ride home...
Sunday:
Anyway, last night I hardly slept. I'm lucky if I got in three hours... It was a combination of feeling a little bit better after my month-long illness, and Narc-anxiety.
Before that, I hung out with NDN at my place, just "shooting the shit," as he likes to say. I gave him a jar of whipped honey that I had bought for him as a present. I also gave him a cookie.
He arrived at my house as I was eating dinner-- Chinese food that I picked up while on the phone with Dan. I talked to Dan for my entire walk home from the AA meeting that I attended earlier in the evening. I also had a sour apple blow pop while I walked... and talked.
It was a good meeting. I am feeling much more comfortable in my home group and I met another new woman last night who made me feel better about where I'm at in the program right now. I'm starting to know a lot of people, and it feels like I have friends. It's pretty cool.
Before the meeting, I didn't do much. In fact, I spent all of Sunday afternoon indoors cleaning my house. I mostly worked on the bedroom and the kitchen. Earlier in the day, I chatted with Hammer and B on the phone.
Hmmm... What am I up to in my backwards account? Ah, yes! Saturday.
Saturday:
Saturday was an interesting day... I went apple picking upstate with members of my home group! Unfortunately the day began just a tad too early for me with a 7:45 am meeting time on the Upper West Side and a biting chill in the air. We had rented a van that fit about 15 people, and drove about an hour north of the city. There, we arrived at an orchard where we ate hot cinnamon donuts and drank warm cider. We also stood around looking at some roosters and a goat before heading into the orchard for the apples. I was really stuck in my head for most of the afternoon. I have been in so much pain about Narc that it has progressed beyond thought. I just feel sick. I did my best to pull myself out of it, though, opening up to people, being as friendly as I could muster, and trying to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. By late afternoon (and enough caffeine) I was feeling significantly better, although still not great.
When we left the orchard, we headed into town and ate at a sleepy old-school diner. From there, it was back to the city. One guy broke a jar of honey that he bought at the farm, but as I had bought three jars (in Hyde-ian excess!) I gave him one of mine and everyone thought that it was so nice of me. What can I say... (As you know, the second of the three jars went to NDN!)
Later that night I just did my best to relax at home, eating some cereal and going to bed early. My throat was really hurting. Why is it so hard for me to do minimally functional things like open my mail or fill a prescription for antibiotics? The doctor wrote me that prescription a week and a half ago and I didn't fill it until yesterday!
Anyway, that brings us back to Friday...
Friday:
On Friday I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was depressed out of my mind. I woke up late, ate lunch locally with NDN and came back home to take a nap. I slept for most of the afternoon and skipped out on going to a meeting. Not a good move, I know, but that's where I was at. Yuck. Right now, I don't even want to think about how sad and how stuck I felt on Friday.
At around 5:00 pm, Brick called and woke me from my nap.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I have to give up Lucy," he said.
He was nearly in tears.
"What?!? WHY???"
"Because! She cries all day when I'm not home. I've tried everything and my neighbors are still screaming at me! She barks all day and I can't handle it anymore!"
"Are you serious? There's nothing you can do?"
"I've gotten dog walkers, special muzzles, a special collar that sprays citronella... everything short of obedience school and I can't pay for that right now. Yesterday I came home and my neighbor attacked me in the hallway. Today I came home and had a noise complaint from the city! They're involving the city!"
"When are you bringing her?" I asked.
"Today," he said.
"Want me to come?"
"Would you?"
Okay.
So I got up out of bed for Brick. And for Lucy. They picked me up in a cab and we headed to the animal shelter in East Harlem. It was so incredibly sad. Just adding sadness to sadness. It sucked. Afterwards, Brick went to his place and I went to mine. It turns out that he's back together with Sherbie and Sherbie was waiting for him to make it home for dinner.
I went to bed early.
Thursday:
Thursday was a bad day for me too. I woke up that morning on Long Island, having spent the night before at my parent's house. Why did I stay over there mid-week? Because I had to go to the dentist and I went to see my mom's friend who only had early morning weekday hours. I had been in serious pain the previous week due to an incoming wisdom tooth, but by the time I made it to the dentist, I was feeling better.
He checked my teeth out and luckily, the tooth is coming in fine, so although it hurt, I don't even have to have it pulled! Yay! Other than that, my teeth were perfect. No cavities. I'm lucky to always have had really healthy teeth. I've never even had one cavity!
Anyway, after that, my mom took me to the train. When I got back to the city, I was beyond exhausted. I laid down in bed to nap for an hour and then... I don't know what came over me... I was just out like a light. I had set an alarm to wake me up for teaching, but when it did, I didn't think I could function. I was so depressed, it felt like it was sticking to the walls of my stomach and throat like syrup. I called in sick.
And then I went back to sleep.
And I slept for nearly six hours!
I woke up, ate dinner, and went right back to bed that night by 9:30 pm. I was supposed to have gone to an intellectual history seminar or at least to an AA meeting, but I went to neither. Nor did I go to the Mets final playoff game, which my mom had tickets to. She ended going with LilSis, JBC and B!
Oh-- but before I went to sleep, I sent Narc an email. (Yeah... I know!)
I wrote:
How are things over there? Just writing to say hi... and that I'm thinking of you. I went to the dentist today. Thank God, I'm cavity free (still!) and didn't have to close my eyes to any strange instruments. In fact, he said that I don't even have to pull my wisdom tooth if I don't want to, as it's not causing any problems. Yay!
Not much else is going on... I'm going to a seminar tonight-- intellectual history. After that, I may stop by for IrishBird's birthday party and see the whole Cheers crew.
That's it for now. I'm cooking and better get back to it. I hope that Russia is proving to be a worthy adventure and that the cyrillic isn't driving you too crazy!
miss you, though.
lots of love,
hyde
Wednesday:
Wednesday was a much busier day. I woke up bright and early and set off to teach that morning. Afterwards I headed home. I didn't have all that much time, though, because I planned to take a late afternoon/ early evening train to Long Island.
I was rushing to Penn Station, running late (as usual!) when I saw hordes of people moving in the opposite direction. For some reason the entrance I normally use was closed. I worked my way around to the other entrance, missing my train in the process, only to find the crowd so thick that it was nearly impossible to move. There was a gate blocking the entrance to the Long Island Rail Road and the security staff was only letting people pass in a single file line. Somehow I managed to catch wind of the fact that there had been an electrical fire in one of the tunnels under the East River. As such, many trains were cancelled and some were pushed back as much as 40 minutes. I had to scramble to figure out a different train I could get on.
I ended up waiting on the platform for around an hour. Some guy standing behind me asked me what the tattoo on the back of my neck says.
"It says 'Jerusalem' in Armenian," I replied.
That sparked a brief conversation. Then, when the train came and the doors opened, that guy shielded me from the shoving crowd and saved me a seat next to him, much to the chagrin of a particularly bitchy woman to my right.
I didn't plan on talking to that guy, instead cracking open Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling, but the gentleman was very chatty and soon enough was blatantly hitting on me, asking me questions like "What does your boyfriend think of your tattoos?"
"I don't have a boyfriend," came the blushing reply.
And so on and so forth.
I wasn't interested in this guy, it's just that I'm not used to such brazen men... at least not in sobriety. I guess when I was drinking I put up with a lot worse (KHill saying he wanted to impregnate me and pissing on my hand and what not... ha ha.)
Anyway, the total time it took to get me from my place to my parent's house was just over three hours. That is fucking insane.
When I got there, my stepbrother had just gone to bed, but I peeked in to see him anyway. He was so excited to see me that he got right up.
"Two! Two!" he said.
(He has taken to calling BigSis "1," me "2" and LilSis "3." Interesting how the brain works, no?)
My mom told me that he is learning some oldies songs at his school, so I started singing them with him. I was doing funny little dances and facial expressions and he was cracking up. It felt really good to be able to bring some joy to him. I asked my mom if she liked my new hair color."Beautiful!" he interrupted, nodding his head.
It amazes me how far he has come.
When it was time for him to shut the lights, I promised to come back and visit him soon. He can't say "thanks," or "I'd like that," or put together some kind of complex expression, but he kissed my hand. That said it all for me. Yay.
After that, my mom heated up some dinner for me and we started to have a really long chat. I told her that Narc may be marrying someone else. She doesn't really know anything about me and Narc, but she knows that there is a Narc and that it's been over two years now. I talked to her honestly for once. I stopped protecting her (at least sort of...). I was honest about how hard I'm working... and about how much I hate myself... about how I can't turn off the negative messages, even when I know that it's sick thinking. She was amazingly supportive.
"You know me as your mother," she said, "but I wasn't all that different from you when I was 27."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know... Before your father, I dated a black man 23 years older than I was. That was a big deal back then. I remember I bought a red princess phone and I wanted him to come over to see it. He wasn't coming and I sat at the window for hours, thinking 'what's the point of the phone if he doesn't see it?' It's like I only existed in the context of him."
"Exactly!"
"With your father, too," she said, "I didn't want to leave. I knew it was bad. I miscarried after you, but I went on and had LilSis not to think about it. I wanted a fourth child, too. I guess I thought if I kept on having babies I wouldn't have to deal with leaving."
It was strange for me to think of my mother that way.
"You know me as a little old lady who's selfless and successful and tends to her flock!" she laughed. "But this is me at 60. I wasn't like this at 27. I was running around on African safaris... and your father! What was that? What was I doing marrying your father?!?"
I laughed. My mom is amazing.
Anyway, after that, I headed down for bed. I was exhausted and felt a little overloaded. The emotional struggle of this all is devastatingly difficult-- not just dealing with the pain of how Narc is treating me, but the struggle over how to end it and why I'm still in it. I know it's wrong to keep engaging with him. I can no longer follow the blind beacon of "love." But nor can I change course. I feel like when the AA's tell me to end it with him, to "turn it over," to "let go and let God," it's like someone telling me to cut off my hand.
"But don't worry... you'll feel better."
How can I believe that? How can I have that kind of faith? I just don't know. I just love him. And I just want to love him. I want to hide in that.
Anyway, that night, I chatted with Brick on the phone, before collapsing into sleep. There was a giant cricket in the bathroom, and as I'm afraid of insects, I didn't go in there all night.
So.... That brings us to Tuesday. I think I'll pick up there in a "Part II," as I have to go...
later...
-h-
One last piece of gossip- the Wizard is back in school. He survived his appeal, even though he failed out last semester. This is prompting strange dreams for Hammer!
5 comments:
So what are you hiding from?
It's so interesting because I've realized that for me to give up my fear about certain things is really difficult, mostly because I've convinced myself that acting in response to my fear keeps me safe even when it's making me miserable. I wonder if this might be true for you too.
Backwards blogging...Gnigglob? I love it, it's just like that episode of Seinfeld.
Personally, I don't think it's a matter of faith to believe that you'll feel better after Narc. It's a matter of trust, both the advice of others and logic. Think about how many people there are in New York, let alone the world. What are the odds that this guy is the best guy you'll ever meet? Given your youth and combination of attractive personal traits, I think you know that finding someone better for you won't be that hard.
I suppose there's also the issue of risk, but which is more risky? Staying with Narc, waiting to see what he does next, continuing this roller coaster of drama? Or getting out there and trying to meet someone else?
I know it's near impossible to reason your way through matters of feelings, but there's no need to make this harder on yourself by hanging this decision on something as intangible as "faith." You know you can get through this, and it's going to hurt. But I know you'll feel better at some later point. You're awesome, after all.
Trust me!
Don't worry, blog-readers! The Wizard is not really back! I mean, back into our lives in any profound way!
I'm so sorry to hear about Lucy! That must have been devastating for both of you. :0(
As for faith that things will get better, how about this: when you first decided to try to get sober, it was hard and you had your doubts. There were times when you really wanted a drink and wondered if it was worth it. Now, despite your doubts, you talk about making new friends and of how you feel better, with new perspectives. You've written of a moving spiritual experience, one which you couldn't have imagined before. You didn't know that these things would happen but you hung in there, listening to others when they said it would get better. So far, they've been fairly accurate.
The same can be true with Narc. You want him, you think you need him, you can't imagine life without him. When people tell you that eventually you'd be ok, you doubt them just as you doubted them when they promised that things would get better when you got sober. But they've been right so far; maybe they're right about this, too. It might make the leap of faith a little easier when the time comes. Remember also that you won't be alone. You'll have so much support, not only from AA but from your friends and family as well!
I haven't really been in bloggerland long, and I know that I really don't know you, but I'm sorry that things are so hard and I just wanna say I love you and hope you feel happier about the general view of life :(
It's good you got to talk to your mom and open up. I hopes you feel better :) <3
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