Scratch n' Snuff

NDN went to Ireland this week. When he came back, he had a scruffy beard and he rubbed it against my cheek until it was all red and scratchy. I love that. He also brought me back a very special present-- a little tin of snuff tobacco. I don't know that I'll use it, but it's always good to have a little snuff around the house, don't you think?

Anyway, this week has been exhausting, mostly due to the fact that I've been running a low-grade fever. I finally went to the doctor today and she prescribed me an antibiotic.

On Tuesday, Meema brought a friend to the huge AA meeting that we go to. I was running late and barely made it in time to do my duty as a greeter. Another guy from our therapy group came too. (I still don't have a name for him). The speaker at the meeting was really moving to me and I told her so afterwards. She invited me out with a bunch of other women to do "fellowship" after the meeting. We went to Patsy's (not far from Bloomingdale's). I felt awkward, as I always do in those situations, especially with women. I find it so much easier to feel at ease when meeting men for the first time. It's strange... In any case, I did my best to talk to as many people as possible, and two of the women, I think I'll call again.

Later that night, I ended up on the phone with Contessa (an old college friend). She is having major drama with her overbearing parents. It's funny-- listening to her, I was able to realize just how much I've changed and grown in the past few months. I could hear right through so much of what she was complaining about, and see it as co-dependent thinking or misplaced efforts at control.

Brick called me later on in the night, unable to sleep.

"I've been thinking about why I did what I did with your phone," he said.

"And...?"

"Well, I think I did it because things were going so well with us."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that... We were getting along. Everything was great. And I had to mess it up. I knew it would upset you."

"Well, I think I can be okay with it as long as you promise never to do it again."

"I do. And I'm really sorry," he said.

"Okay."

That night, it wasn't so easy for me to fall asleep. I'm teething. Yes, I know I'm already 27, but I have the only wisdom tooth to thus far make an appearance, pressing its way into my back, right gum. I need to make an appointment to go to the dentist.

Yesterday I went to get my hair done. It's redder now... a kind of punky, intense red. I'm rather loving it. I bleached my eyebrows blonde, and so the whole look is dramatic and intense. Afterwards, it was raining. I stood in the rain waiting for the crosstown bus (right near Hammer's apartment), trying to catch wind of what had happened with that plane flying into a building. That whole story is just so bizarre! Anyway, while I was waiting, Brick called me and asked if I wanted to come over when he got off work. I agreed and headed to his neighborhood instead.

I ended up waiting for Brick in Barnes & Nobles where I read a lot of poetry and made several purchases. Here's what I bought:

Aesthetics: A Reader in Philosophy of the Arts, De Profundis (Wilde), Poems (Rilke), Philosophical Writings (Schopenhauer), and a pocket copy of Wuthering Heights!

Anyway, I met Brick at his place at around 6:00. We were both drenched from the rain. Neither of us had much money, so we decided to eat eggs and toast for dinner, but Brick wanted to do it over at my place so that he could avoid his roommate, Bikram. We packed up a bag of goodies, took Lucy, Brick threw on some rain gear, and we were off.

Before getting to my apartment, we stopped off and bought ice cream, microwave popcorn, hot chocolate, and I picked up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. We were all set for a cozy night in.

Brick told me that he broke it off with Sherbie and that he was seeing OlderMan again. I don't think that's such a good idea, but of course, it's none of my business, and I'm doing my absolute best to keep a firm boundary there. We watched Law & Order SVU and at around 10:00 pm, Brick wanted to go to sleep. That's way too early for me! But I was saved from slumber by the ringing phone. It was Liu. She has been going through a very hard time the past two weeks and I want her to know (if she's reading this!) how much I love her and what a wonderful friend and human being I think that she is. We talked for a while, with the phone call briefly interrupted by none other than Narc! In fact, he had texted me a few times.

Text #1: Reading at Blaue Gans if you want to come by

Text #2: Also, you and Brick make up yet?

Text #3: Elvis moment in "Forrest Gump"...!

When I got off the phone with Liu, I called him. He was talking to ModelChick. He said he would call me back. So, I got into bed with the snoring Brick and watched Studio 60 while I waited for his call. At 11:20, I sent him a text:

Going to bed around midnight, fyi. So, if we don't' get to talk, but if you want to get together tomorrow night, let me know.

That's Hyde's attempt at preserving her dignity... Could you tell?

Anyway, he called me back a few minutes later and we talked for nearly an hour. I still find those phone calls so amazing, as Narc and I don't often have all that much to say to each other. He told me about his friend M-Ro and all of her romantic troubles as of late. He also said that they went to have their tarot cards read. I talked to him about Wuthering Heights and liminality and how it all turns me on. He told me that he is no longer in love with Henry James, but Mr. James has yet to be replaced. When it was time to go, I repeated my offer of a Thursday night hang-out. He sounded surprised that I was trying to make a plan in advance.

"Um... yeah... sure... We can, um, figure something out... sure."

Why are things so difficult???

Today I woke up and went to the doctor, like I said. Afterwards, I called my voice teacher and left him a message. I haven't spoken to him since March or so. I told him that I have been having some issues with alcohol and drugs and have been sober five months, and that I'm still passionate about music, but that I can't afford lessons right now, and that one of my deepest regrets is the way that I just disappeared and flaked out on him. I felt that I was ready to make that call. I feel better having done it.

So, now I'm off to another AA meeting. I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to see Narc tonight. I'm not sure of a lot of things.

But, I'm still here.

And I'm doing my best, one day at a time...

-h-