Drunk Drawing

I'm tired of chronicling my life with Narc.

I'm tired of a lot of things.

I opened my journal last night and saw the following page (to the left) and I don't remember anything about how it got there. On the top left is Narc's handwriting.




It says:

ASKED HOW OLD SHE WAS
THE GIRL-
HELD UP FIVE FINGERS.

What the hell does that mean?

Underneath that is my incredibly drunken chicken scrawl. It says (as far as I can make out):

@ times like this I long for my (and then something is scribbled that I can't read.)
me-
@times like this I long for something you don't understand.
Him- Maybe I do understand. Maybe we just don't have it together.

Anyway, finding that there depressed me.

Underneath is a drunk drawing that Narc did a week or two ago. He said it's me. He said it's the two halfs of me and that he "channeled" the drawing somehow...



Pretty pathetic.

I'm feeling pathetic in general lately... Very low self-esteem. I hope it passes.

I scratched my hand pretty bad on Wednesday. It was perfect at the time, but now it's making me feel worse about myself.




Sometimes, when you are on the cusp of change, things backlash in the worst way, out of fear.







I think I need to be more like Brando in On the Waterfront-- All beaten up, but still going to work.